What You Can Do to Stamp Out Bullying
Bullying, some say, is just
a normal part of childhood, but most experts believe it is a serious problem
with long-lasting effects that can be the root cause of criminal behavior,
depression, academic failure and lack of self-esteem later in life.
A first grader in California was the victim of repeated teasing and
harassment. Then one day the teaser lashed out and punched Charlie in the
stomach. A teacher caught the student in the act and immediately sent him to
the principal's office. His punishment was a one-day suspension which he spent
sitting in the school office, where other students could see him. The student
learned his lesson and never bullied again, and Charlie learned that his school
was a safe place where bullying and violence would not be tolerated.
The best way to combat bullying, says Charlie's mother, Jeanette, is
having a school community where the message is clear: Bullying simply is not
tolerated. Teachers, students and administrators are all very aware of the
policy. If an incident occurs, the teachers respond immediately. The students
know that the behavior is unacceptable, that there are trusted adults they can
confide in and that there will be consequences.
Debra
Chasnoff, a San Francisco-based filmmaker who is producing a video for schools
in which bullies and the bullied tell their stories, advocates a kinder,
gentler approach. "Just focusing on tough discipline isn't enough. Schools
should place a priority on building community. Teachers who can get kids to
know and trust each other, to empathize with each other, will have fewer
problems in the classroom and on the playground. You are less likely to turn on
someone you know as a fellow human being."
What are the signs
that my child is being bullied?
Look for:
What are the signs
that my child is a bully?
Look for:
Bullying,
commonly thought to be a problem for boys, is just as prevalent among girls. It
often takes the form of intentional verbal abuse or malicious gossip by several
girls ganging up on one girl. Jessica, an overweight sixth grader in Canada,
recounts the torment of being continually teased by three girls she previously
considered her best friends: "How many times do you feel so bad that you
want to change schools, leave all the actual friends that you do have or just
lock yourself in a room forever?" she asks in telling her story on www.bullying.org,
a Web site dedicated to stories and responses about bullying.
Characteristics of bullies
Characteristics of victims
The problem of bullying is widespread and is often cited as a
contributing factor in the recent cases of school shootings. According to the
National Resource Center for Safe Schools in Portland, Oregon, 30% of American
children are regularly involved in bullying, either as bullies or victims, and
approximately 15% are "severely traumatized or distressed" as a
result of encounters with bullies. Researchers agree that children who bully in
childhood are more likely to become violent adults and engage in criminal
behavior; victims of bullies often suffer from anxiety, low self-esteem and
depression as they grow into adulthood.
When is it teasing and when is it
bullying?
One of
the common myths about bullying is that it is just a normal part of childhood.
Everyone gets teased now and then without a great deal of harm, but bullying,
characterized by repeated, intentionally hurtful acts, can have long-term
consequences for the bully and the victim. These acts can be physical, verbal,
emotional or sexual, and there is generally an imbalance of power between the
bully and the victim.
Statistics on
bullying
As a parent, what can I do about
bullying?
The most important thing you can do is listen to your child. Ask about
how things are going at school. Ask if your child has had any experience with bullies
or has seen other children experience bullying. Often children are too
embarrassed or scared to bring up the topic on their own. You can bring it up
by discussing sympathy and respect for others, asking such questions as
"Why do you think she said those hurtful things?" or "How do you
think it feels to be bullied?"
You'll want to have a discussion about how to handle bullying situations
and warn your child never to resort to violence, even as a reaction to a bully.
Stan Davis, a Maine school guidance counselor and trainer in bullying
prevention, advises encouraging the majority of students who are not victims or
bullies to stand up to bullies, to ask adults for help and to reach out as
friends to isolated students.
You may be tempted to intervene by confronting the bully and his parent
yourself, but most experts advise against doing so. If you confront the bully,
you will only verify for him that your child is a weakling. Many bullies come
from homes lacking in parental involvement, so confronting the parent might not
prove productive. Besides, it will probably be difficult for you to talk to the
bully's parent in a calm and rational manner and that might only exacerbate the
problem.
Your
instincts may tell you to let the child learn to handle the situation himself,
but in actuality he may need an adult (either a teacher or a parent) to
intervene when bullying takes place because of the imbalance of power. Alert
your child's teacher or principal when bullying occurs and work with your
school to make sure the atmosphere is safe and that there is effective
monitoring. Ask to be notified should your child be involved in a bullying
incident. To really know what goes on at school and to help create a positive
atmosphere, volunteer to be a playground supervisor or a classroom assistant.
Resources on the Web
www.bullying.org
This Web site is dedicated to letting victims of bullying
tell their stories and allowing others to respond.
www.stopbullyingnow.com
This site provides information on bullying prevention.
www.drphil.com
The popular television psychologist and talk show host
offers advice on launching an anti-bullying campaign at your school.
Books for adults
Fried, SuEllen and Paula Fried. Bullies & Victims: Helping Your
Child Through the Schoolyard Battlefield. New York: M. Evans and Co., 1996
Olweus, Dan. Bullying at
School: What We Know and What We Can Do. New York: Blackwell, 1993
Simmons, Rachel. Odd Girl Out: The Hidden Culture of Aggression in Girls. Orland, Florida:
Harcourt, Inc., 2002
Books for children
Berenstain, Stan and Jan. The Berenstain Bears and the Bully. New York: Random
House, 1993
Romain, Trevor. Bullies
Are a Pain in the Brain. Minneapolis: Free Spirit Publishing, 1997
Powell, Jillian. Talking
About Bullying. Austin, Texas: Steck-Vaughn, 1998
