* Family members may feel hurt, alienated, frustrated or discouraged if the survivor loses interest in family or intimate activities and is easily angered or emotionally isolated and detached. family members often end up feeling angry or distant towards the survivor, especially if he or she seems unable to relax and be companionable without being irritable, tense, anxious, worried, distractible or controlling, overprotective and demanding.
* Even if the traume occured decades ago, survivors may act (and family members may feel) as if the trauma never stops happening. They may feel as if they're living in a warzone if the survivor is excessively on-guard, tense or easily startled or enrated. Family members can find themselves avoiding activities or people and becoming isolated from each other and from friends outside the family. They may feel that they have no one to talk to, and that no one can understand.
* They may find it very difficult to have a cooperative discussion with the survivor about important plans and decisions for the future because they feel there is no future to look forard to, because they have difficulty listening and concentrating without becomeing distracted, tense or anxious, or because they become angry and overly suspicious toward the family member or towards others (hypervigilant). They may find it difficult to discuss personal or family problems because the survivor becomes either controlling, demanding or overprotective, or anxious and fearful about problems becoming terrible catastrophes.
* Family members may become overinvolved with their children's lives due to feeling lonely and in need of some positive emotional feedback, or feeling that the partner can't be counted on as a reliable and responsible parent.
* They may find their sleep disrupted by the survivor's sleep problems (reluctance to sleep at night, restlessness while sleeping, severe nightmares or episodes of violent "sleepwalking". Family members also often find themselves having terrifying nightmares, afraid to go to sleep, or difficulty getting a full and restful night's slep, as if they are reliving the survivor's trauma in their own feelings and sleep.
* Ordinary activities, such as going shopping or to a movie or takgn a drive in the car, may feel like reliving of past trauma when the survivor experiences trauma memories or flashbacks. The survivor may go into "survival mode", suddenly and without explanation shutting down emotionally, becoming pressured and angry, or going away abruptly and leaving family members feeling stranded, helpless and worried.
* Trauma survivors with PTSD often struggle with intense anger or rage and can have difficulty copoing with an impulse to lash out verbally or physically. Family members can feel frightened of and betrayed by the survivor, despite feeling love and concern.
* Addition exposes family members to emotional, financial and domestic problems. Survivors experiencing PTSD may seek relief and escape with alcohol or other drugs, and through addictive behaviors such as gambling, workaholism, overeating or refusing to eat (bulimia and anorexia). Addictions offer false hope to the survivor by seeming to help for a short time but then making PTSD's symptoms of fear, anxiety, tension, anger and emotional numbness far worse. Addictions may be very obvious, such as when binge drinking or daily use of drugs occurs. However, they may involve lighter or less frequent episodes of "using" that are a problem because the survivor is dependent ("hooked" on the habit and can't cope without it.
* When suicide is a danger, family members face these unavoidable strains: worry, guilt, grief and anger.
What can families of trauma survivors with PTSD do to care for themselves and the survivor?
* Continue to learn more about PTSD by attending classes.
* Continue to learn more about PTSD by viewing films or reading books on the subject.
* Encourage, but don't pressure, the survivor to seek counseling from a PTSD specialist.
* Seek personal, child, couples or family counseling if troubled by "secondary" trauma reactions such as anxiety, fears, anger, addiction or problems in school, work or intimacy.
* Chidlren often have low self-esteem and blame themselves for their father's unhappiness. There is a good chance that the child will feel unwanted, unloved and inadequate.
* Anyone can have sexual problems, but there is a greater likelihood that they will occur in couples where one partner has PTSD. For some veterans, it just doesn't mean anything anymore. The wife will feel rejected. The feeling of being unloved will diminish her self-esteem and she will feel that the veteran is not meeting her needs.
* Like othe rworking women, spouses of veterans with PTSD play many roles. But a veteran's spouse also needs to worry about her husband's psychological condition while continuing to function at work. For financial reasons, she can not afford to lose her job. Often she has to play the role of both mother and father. Eventually, she realizes that she doesn't have time to take care of herself, and blames herself for all shortcomings.
Preoccupation with the veteran. Constant tensino and anxiety because she "never knows what he'll do next". Critical or self-righteous martyr attitude because of "what he puts me through". Continual manipulation of veteran and/or circumstances in order to be in control in a situation that is out of control.
ISOLATION:
May have a few friends or be unable to relate to friends as she would like because the Vet has alienated them with his attitude and actions in the past. The Vet has isolated the family and/or is jealous of them. She has alienated friends because of her constant family hassles. The friends and family she does have tell her to "get rid of him".
EMOTIONAL NUMBING:
Sexual problems. She feels that she cannot be truly intimate with her Veteran husband. Distrust of God ("How could He let this happen?"). Low self-esteem. Escapes into a fantasy world, television, thoughts of affairs, compulsive buying, etc. May lean on children, friends or her mother too heavily for emotional support.
DEPRESSION:
Sense of helplessness and hopelessness. "Tired of trying". Low self-esteem, evidenced by poor appearance, dirty home, etc.
ANGER and OTHER RELATED EMOTIONS:
Resentment and bitterness developed over the years not only toward the Vet, but others. Withdrawal from Vet and family emotionally. Constant fear and anxiety. May provoke or instigate fights or arguements with Vet or take it out on the kids.
OVER-RESPONSIBILITY (the "Enabler"):
In an attempt to keep the family stable, may take over the financial and other responsibilities as well as the "wife" and "mother" roles leading to such traits as: feeling responsibility for others, perfectinoism, nagging or silence, peace at any price, does things out of a sense of duty, feelings of anxiety, pity, guilt, need to "help" husband, pressure, constant time pressure, blames the husband for the situation the family is in, feelings of anger, victimization, lack of appreciation and being used.
GUILT:
Guilt for having married a Vet, as well as guilt for thoughts of leaving him. Sorry for putting the children through such a life. Constant financial stress, never knowing how they will be able to pay mounting bills, how long he will work, "if I were a better wife, he would be different". Feels guilty about spending money no themselves or having a hard time just having fun. Feels guilt abuot just about everything. Fears rejection. Feels that if "one more thing happens, I'll lose my mind". Over-commitment leading to constant pressure.
EMOTIONAL EXPLOSIONS OR PROJECTION:
Takes otu frustrations on the children. Children may become severly withdrawn or demanding, hyperactive and agitated. Children may have less friends because of a negative hoem environment leading to their own loss of self-esteem. They may try to find fulfillment in other worthy causes, including getting overly involved in the church, children's activities and other "worthy" organizations or projects.
DENIAL:
Denies that she or the children have problems. Denial that husband has problems or totally blames him for ALL the problems. Denial that the Lord or others can help her husband or her family.
