(currently I am at age 22 trying to concieve my third child))
I was a pawn, a barganing tool. I was used to cause my parents pain. On visitation days Rose would make promises of great presents and adventures that she planned if I stayed home. I was normally left in tears pulling out in a car with my mother. Kicking and screaming I would go on the visitation. Within a few hours I would calm down and begin enjoying the stay. Just to go through the crying spells all over again when it was time to leave and go home.
I don't remember much about that part of my life although I know it was full of luxerous gifts, big holidays and always torcher concerning visitation. When my father would get me Rose would say don't let Karin see her, When my mother got me Rose would say don't let Jeff see her. Tug of war with a life was a difficult thing.
At seven I went to live with my mother after a brief phone conversation. Laxton told my mother that he could no longer handel the little bitch to come get me now..... At that time I realized just how cold my family could be. I was upset by his words but, finially I would get what I had always wanted, I was going to live with my mother......
Shortly after the move Rose died, She had been a hyprocondreact and years of over usage of prescription drugs had deteriated her body. It had caused her mussels to quit functioning. Maybe she was better off. I can remember the day that I was told my mother came to my school personally walked me home. She wrapped her arms around me and gentally told me my nanny had passed away. I must have fell into shock because I never shed a tear. We went to the funeral again I didn't cry it wasn't until after the funeral that reality set in. Every one was coming and going out of the house I had drifted into the laundry room where the funeral flowers were. When I let out a scream that would wake the dead. Never speaking a word I never mentioned it again......
My years of happieness would soon be scared by events beyond my control. Although I could not tell you when the abuse actually began I know I was nine. I don't remember the first touch I got really good at hiding my pain. Drifting off into my own imagination that I still fall back on in times of need.
I do however remember the first penatration how gross, and dirty I felt. How scared I was and how I desparately wanted to be saved. How could I tell Who would listen and would they believe me. This was the family that I had always wanted how could this man that I had loved so much do this.
I was twelve when my mother found out about the situation. She had confronted me because I hadn't used any feminin pads that month and she wanted to know who I was sleeping with. I begged that I wasn't sexual active but her presistance caused me to lash out and tell all. It was a sunday morning in march 1985, she sent me to church and when I returned I found him gone and mom crying. She told me that he left , he admitted he had done what he was being accused of. We were both emotionally broken. Thank God Buzzy was fixed and I wasn't pregnate.....
The house was Buzzy's and we had to find a new place to live. We went to visit our formal minister and that's when things got worse. Mom told him what was going on , he informed her of his obligation to report all child abuse. He did however give her a couple hours to call herself before he made his call. She would look better if she called first. otherwise they may take me from her and neither of us wanted that.
That's how Butler County got involved in my life. I was forced into counseling, forced to tell every heart breaking detail over and over again. My counselor Dr. Scott worked hard on my healing proscess and after several months he decided that I was ok and would hold out and live a productive life. He dropped us from his list and told the courts that further counseling was no longer nescasary. Instead of taking his advice they forced me into a new program in an office where the workers were old, angry, and uncoroperative. They placed blame on my mother my father and in ways I think she placed blame on me. Needless to say that our meetings did apsolutely nothing for my mental statude.
It was during this time that I was living with my father my choice of course I asked for it with the judge. Dr. Scott agreed that it would be a good change. I was then where I wanted to be again, But again the situation would turn aggressive. My father decided enough was enough I was being torchered by the agencys that were there for my protection. Every apointment left days of nightmares and outbursts. My father had me pack my belongings and we left on his semi-truck to an undeturmined area.
My father allowed me to run my own life. Treating me like an adult I was never denied my own discissions. Drugs were fine , alcohol was fine, even sex was fine. Lord and behold when we left I was unaware that I was about 2-3 wks pregnate with the child of my teen age lover Russell. This child was a loss waiting to happen. My teenage body was not ready to except the terms of pregnacy especially after all those years of sexual abuse. I lost my son and honostly I was full of too much fear to even tell anyone what was happening.
I lost alot of blood and I became more and scared. Alone I handeled the situation using baby diapers to stay dry. By the time my father knew I was bleeding the evidence of pregnacy was gone after all I had been bleeding for over a month.
I had only one real boyfriend during this time a guy I met through a mutral friend at school in Fayetteville Arkansas. This guy introduced me to a new way of life. At the time neither of us knew the impaact this relationship would have. I went to my first N.A. meeting and though I was still in denial I listened. After wards I had an experiance of a life time. This teenage boy of only 14 years of age was going to take me on the most romantic adventure. To my dismay we moved shortly after and right before i left i gave him a gift one that for so long was taken. I do believe that was the first time i knew love.....
The next stage of my life left me feeling more a victom than I had ever known. Buzzy was not my father so I marked him off as a sick pervert and I was not about to allow him to spoil my future. But now I was being faced with an even worse issue. MY FATHER.........
Alone with my father I traveled never staying in one place or the other never finishing a year of school or being allowed to make close friends.My father would start each episode the same way. You see my father was a practicing warlock and used that to over power me.
Never in a million years would I tell especially after what happen the last time. So I pulled myself up by my boot straps and decided that Something somewhere had to change. I had been the toy of two men now and It was time that I got passed this........
At fourteen I agreed to marry my off and on boyfriend Johnny Montgomery who at the time was twenty-two years old. This was a discission my father made. The courts were getting ready to intervene and he was going to get the last word if he had to sacrafice me to get it. I was more concerned with moving on with my life and being a child I wanted a family even if I had to make my own.........
September 3rd , 1997 I married Johnny in Kentucky, The beginning of another new adventure. We returned on the night of our wedding . We stayed at my in-laws house. The honeymoon was interrupted by Johnny's drinking. he asked for a cup of coffee and then passed out when I went to get it. The marriage was never consamated. I would never tell that back then because I didn't want people saying I wasn't woman enough to please my man. I cried that night and felt very dirty and unwanted neglected so to speak.
The next morning I was awaken by my father telling us that we had to go to court and face the judge. He promised we would be fine and that there wasn't anything that the courts could do. Boy was he wrong.....
Judge Niehause took me into custody, far away from my husband and placed me in a juvinile detention center. five days I was locked up like a criminal and hadn't done anything wrong. When they realized that they were wrong they sent a psychologist from childrens diognostic center (CDC) to do an evaluation he in return said that I was depressed. as if I would be anything else being treated like an animal. locked in a cage.
After these five days I was transfered to Emerson A North Hospital were they hoped to evaluate me and brain wash me into being a kid again. While there I made many new friends and still did not return to the innocent child they wanted. My treatment team was very supportive and allowed me to take charge of discissions I could without the courts involvement. I lived there for thirty days, then I got smart I issued the hospital a three day notice to find something wrong or dismiss me imediately. At the same time my mothers insurance had done the same thing. so in october I was given a discission by my treatment team. They left the discission up to me I could go into a foster home, my mothers home, or a girls group home. I only wanted to go home to my husband where I felt safe and loved. They agreed that that would be their choice but the courts would not allow such a thing.
After careful thought I looked over my possibilities. Mom was a no she did not support my marriage, the group home would be like jail, the only logical choice was a foster home, atleast there I could win trust and eventually get a chance to run away.....
It took aproximately five months or so to accomplish this. My foster parents were wonderful although I don't think I realized just how wonderful until I was gone. There was a no contact order between Johnny and I but they allowed letters to go out as long as his name wasn't on them. I made regular phone calls and I know now that they knew but allowed that too.
I was a woman stuck in a childs body. and they knew my past had made me more mature than my years. I think they knew I needed to be let loose from the balls and chains of the state of Ohio.
In March 1988 I made my big escape. I arranged for my father to meet me at a skating rink where we would leave from and never return. When Maryanne came to pick me up I was no where to be found. Sorces say she gave me a running chance. she waited to call me in and did not tell my mother either. Bless her heart She made the best discission.
As we left that night I was again betrayed by my father I was soon to find out just how much of a lier he was. We passed the exit where my husband was doing seventy miles per hour. When I questioned his reason he simply told me that Johnny did not wanna go with me....
I cried but, could not turn back. If I had asked my father would have let me out to walk and lord knows I wasn't interested in that. How would I explain this. Never! I kept going.
We went to Arkansas, a place I had lived before with him. I began to be pressured again by my father to do sexual favors and I knew I was not going to let that happen. So in a fit of desparation I cashed in a 2000$ bond and moved out. I got my own apartment.
I filled my apartment with the things I needed food, clothes (five outfits) bathroom stuff, new dishes and alot of milk crate furniture. Hay it was clean and I was safe from the sexual abuse. I can't say that it was great I was so scared and intemidated by being alone. I would lock the doors, close the blinds and hide in the bathroom. I slept in a three foot square behind a locked bathroom door where no one had to know I was home at all.
The thing I remember the most is my boyfriend, a face from the past I never thought I'd see again. Love immedately escalated into full passion. There I was happy during the day with a boy that I loved and desparate at night for the fear that I had.
Within a couple months money started to run short I needed to do something. At fifteen even being married no one would hire me. So I became desparate for a solution. I was attending Narcodics ann. with my boyfriend I was clean half the time. and I met a real nice older gentalman who would make me an offer I could not refuse. I knew It was wrong but hay what did I have to loose no one ever had to know right. He offered me $400.00 to pose for four nude pictures. Needless to say it payed my rent and I had made it through one more month........
The relationship between me and my boyfriend was spoiled when I thought I was pregnate. Although planned and upset by past tests this time things were differant. He informed me that he was only 16, he still lived at home, he had a future planned and was not ready for the duties of being a father yet. He insisted on an abortion which I did not believe in. I became close to a mutural friend who moved in to take care of me. No sexual relationship just roomies. When sparks between martin and I started to fly Donnie stepped in. He told me he had an arguement with martin and during this arguement informed Martin that if he couldn't be a father step down and he would be a man and take care of me and the child. Thats where it ended for me and Martin. A few nights later Mine and donnies relationship became broader than ever. I also found out that the pregnacy was false again I thank god that I made it through...
Now, there I was with a new guy in an apartment no job no money and time was running out. eventually we had to move but where? we were kids in charge of lives we did not understand. so we made the disicion to leave with a person we really didn't know. We packed what we could in a pick up truck and left for texas. our first stop took us to a farm where we again went thru our stuff leaving most in a barn, never to be seen again. our second stop was to a lake where we lived for 2 wks. still no money no job and now no home. it was summer time so we just camped. after two weeks we decided to go home with a nice family we met taking our stuff with us.
This nice family wasn't so nice.when we got to theyre house i became frightened one of the guys sat weird at the kitchen table reading a bible, not so comforting when he had a ciggerette in one hand and a pistol by the other..... the next day we re did our stuff again leaving stuff at that house too, again never to see it again. for two years we traveled with truck drivers, sleeping where we could and eating when we could. When we weren't walking or camping (even in the winter) we lived in trucks I slept most of the time, my health was ok although I lost weight and became anemic. we setteled on a milk farm once where we found out I was pregnate. We were happy and we started planning. But, we lost that job and moved on we headded back to fayetteville than to bentonville to stay with his mom. We were back in N.A. and we were both clean had been for 6 months or nine. when a phone call was made.
We were calling everyone we knew to brag about our pregnacy and also to check on people..we called friends and family....we even called Martins house....where a new night mare began....Martins mom answered the phone when she found out who it was she screamed " YOU BITCH U KILLED HIM" I was speachless I said "what???" she said "YES HE KILLED HIMSELF OVER YOU" "HE HUNG HIMSELF"....... I threw the phone , ran to my room fell to the floor and cried insainly for days..... I wouldn't eat, drink, sleep or move.......I was completely in shock..... I loved him I did and I was loosing my mind with guilt..... Those were some pretty long days.... But I finially managed to pull myself together and get as close back to normal as I could.....
Life for me was changing..My idenity was changing.... I was gonna be a mother and a young one at that I knew it wasn't going to be easy but I was doing everything I could.....
One night we went to a N.A. meeting..... It was Martins birthday and I was already hurting.... I got ready in my best maternity clothes did my hair, my makeup and we left.... I had told everyone that morning that something was going to happen.... If I had known what that something was I would never have gotten outta bed....
We approched the meeting... walked through the doors... entered the room... and There he was... sitting in a chair accrossed the room was Martin..... I took several looks before realizing my mind wasn't playing games on me that it was him.....older looking longer hair even a full beard and mustach .....BUT HIM never the less.... I dropped everything out of my hands ran to the bathroom locked the stall door and fell to the floor.....I had been drinking coffee all day and after that night It was years before I could drink it again.... All I could do was cry and get sick..... (REMEMBER I WAS PREGNATE AND THE STRESS WAS NOT GOOD 4 ME)
No one came after me......I was wishing he would give me an explanation (that would have to wait 13 years.) after the meeting was about over I did manage to reenter the room...I was still crying , but, couldn't take my eyes off him....We all respected the meetings too much to cause a seen in them but when the meeting was over shit almost hit the fan...
Martin took off out the door to avoid conflict...Donnie close on his heals and me tugging at donnies jacket........ I was torn up again , Donnie was pissed off..... and Martin pulled away without a word..... Leaving me to wonder what the hell was going on.... I have tried to get over that moment and for the most I have.. But death is a hard topic for me and loosing a love one is even worse...don't get me wrong I am not afraid to die but I don't wanna push the issue....
Nov. 1988 we had left his mom's house moved to coffeeville kansas where Donnie and I were living in a little cabin...on the outside of town.... I was pregnate still and life seemed good until..... he decided to get in trouble....on our annaversary he took off went joy riding on a tractor that what a key in it on a tractor lot .... on his way home he got busted...DUMB ASS!!!!!! I guess he spent a week in jail or so... I worked his job at the resturant and got him out of jail....with in notime we were running again..... We went back to arkansas got a new house where we stayed ohhhhhh about 2-3 wks....... then we left again..
This time headed twords ohio...yes the state I hated but I needed someone to help us thru this...... On the way there my car broke down thanks to donnie driving and falling asleep...... we fixed it but got stuck in Ky. no money no gas and no food....stuck at natural bridge..... after a few days I called daddy.....no other choice I had started bleeding.yep u guessed it I was misscarring the baby.... Dad came and got us.......
I went to the hospital several times each time same story some ass hole male dr. would tell me to go home and put my feet up..... finially Dec 16th I got a female who sent me for an ultrisound and thats when my life shattered again...The baby was dead and I needed a DNC... (for those of u that don't know what that is..it's where they dialate u and scrape all the stuff out of ur uterus..It's not painful just emotional) I remember laying there after the medication.. I remember one tear slowly falling out of my eyes...
Then I remember waking up alone scared and empty!!! Donnie had went home to bathe and my Mother was there...Just what I needed..I asked her to get a preacher only because they aren't suppose to lie.. He told me what the hospital had done with my baby which only sent me into further fits....
The doctor told me I'd never carry a child I might get pregnate but carry one NEVER!!! all I ever wanted was a family now they were telling me that dream was over....what ass holes..15 yrs old and nothing to hold onto.......
The DNC had left me feeling empty and the thought of never having my own family was devestating...My boyfriend was dealing with our loss himself and being so young he couldn't handel me at the same time.... I would cry uncontrolably for hours and hours.. I locked myself in my room and just let the guilt and dispare over run my life.
One night lieing in bed he asked me to try again..He said he didn't believe the doctors and in his heart he believed that the possibility still existed..... I loved him so much, and failing him by loosing his son was more than I could handel. so despite the dr.'s orders I gave in...
I was terrified and trying to make him happy all at the same time... Everytime we finished he would softly kiss my stomach as to say " I will this" and we would go to sleep.....
We never mentioned James again...Yes James Cobretti Hill-Boswell would have been my sons name..... now adays he would have been 13 years old... To this day I wonder what he would have been like.. would he have looked like starla. would he have had his fathers looks too? would he have been good at math like me...what would he say to me if he could talk??? Oh well I guess I will never know.....
April 1989, It happen I was so sick so Donnie took me to the doctor and we found out that I was again pregnate.... I cried and went into denial which continued until months after I had Starla... During the earley pregnacy we had an ultrisound which said we were having twins... WOW.... TWINS.... I started collecting small idems unlike b4 when I sold everything that belonged to james... but bibs a few blankets but that was it...
We ended back out on the streets where we lived until I was 6 months along... I got sickly and frail...I wasn't gaining weight .....hum I guess thats cause I wasn't eating right.after all we were homeless and might have ate every other day..what was my body to do? duh....
truckers fed us and gave us places to sleep and even provided shower tickets everyday (justabout) I would sleep just to keep the pain from killing me.. It was hard but I believed as long as I hung on life would get better and it did..........
We ended up meeting a man. a truck driver named ledfoot.... he was a heavy set man with a nice smile and a warm heart. he knew I was far enough along that I could pop any time so he told us to come home with him... He called his wife and took us home..The deal was we could stay 30 days and during that time we would find a place of our own.
two weeks later we were sitting in our own apartment..no furniture no food no gas. no car...but we had each other..
I started school at a small alturnitive school...mostly black teachers and all black students... in the worst part of town and yet I felt safe. I met the most perfect man he was my teacher and a prominate town leader..after all he was the city commishener of grand rapids michigan.... Mr. merriweather was so good to me... It's been 12 years so i guess its safe to tell my story after all how much trouble can he get into now?? NONE!!!!!
One day I went to school. I almost collapsed, I was pale and dark eyed...Mr.Merriweather knew something was wrong so he pulled me aside. he asked me what was wrong and if I needed to go home. In a shy meek voice I explained to him that I had not eaten in four days..
He was shocked and out of shene kindness he handed me $5.00 and told me this. " I can not tell you to leave school, but here" as he handed me the money he said, "Do what you need to do"
I walked accrossed the street to the RED LION resturant and ordered breakfast....Boy food never tasted so good.. But, I felt guilty.... Donnie hadn't eaten either.. so I ate half the food and asked for a box. this way I could share with Donnie...
After wards I went back to school and finished the day....
Mr. Merriweathers kindness didn't stop there that evening he cane to our apartment and delivered a bag of groceries... he checked on us often. he even bought us a hot plate and coffeepot so we could prepare small meals...at least we could eat right???
I was doing well in school....By november The teachers were pushing me to take the GED test..I was not as self confident but did as they asked...
At 16 years old I earned my GED..... Everyone was so proud of me..but most of all I was proud of myself....after I finished school at 8 months pregnate I went to work at a truck stop cleaning showers. this didn't last long b4 the doctor stopped me. he said that the chemicals would effect the baby so I lost that job real fast...
I was finially eating and the weight was comming on strong.. Months of not eating was making me gain faster.. I gained almost 80lbs with starla...in the matter of 4 months....
Everyday I would examine my body for new stretch marks and everyday I would cry....I watched as my perfect teenage body became big fat and the stretch marks made my stomach look like a map.... Everyday I would spend thinking that something was gonna happen and This baby was gonna leave me....
I lost interest in everything between sickness and depression I was a lost soul... Donnie had started parting again. he was drunk most the time and yet I hung on....
During this time he was making pretty good money and he lavished me with gifts from rent to own companys..... we had the most bueatiful apartment..full of great stuff....
I will never in all my years forget the country blue livingroom suit with high backs and fluffy pillows. matching tables and the entertainment center from hell......we had everything until....... Donnie got layed off....
Back in earley 1990 there were automotive strikes going on and this effected DUNRIGHT INC. the company he wked for.... if cars weren't being made who needed the parts right?? So we began to loose everything...first the living room suit I dearly loved then the entertainment center .....and the apartment went last....
After that Donnie felt like a failure. he began drinking worse and worse.. staying drunk for days... I bet he didn't even know his name most the time....
One night I yelled Donnie it's time, I'm having contractions...In a U-haul he drove me to the local hospital which don't even have a maturnity ward and the nurse informed him he needed to get me to hospital in grand rapids which was 30 miles away.... That the baby was comming....
You guessed it his drunkenness went right out the window.. he was scared sober and became the most supportive person i know..... he held my hand, kissed my cheek and stood by me the whole time...we played cards while the pains were mild, we walked the halls and felt a closeness unlike no other.... at 7pm on feb.2 1990 the doctor walked in and announced he was breaking my water...I became so scared...but donnie held me and together we made it thru that event....
as the pains became worse I decided natural child birth was not as great as I expected I wanted drugs and now...they brought in the stuff for an epidural... I was again so scared shaken with fear...they put donnie infront of my bed tray u know the kind that has wheels and then they leaned me over the tray...they told donnie to hold me firmly and if he let me move I could become paralized....thus scaring us both even that much more....I remember how my back felt like it was breaking after all I was having complete back labor....It felt like forever and a day but they finially got the tube in....
it was time for a small dose of the medication, small is the word... they gave me 3c.c's...as they waited to see what the effect would be on me..the doctor checked my dialation...I recall him saying take it out, its too late.....I remember him saying jesi on the next contraction I want you to grab both your feet bring them as close to ur chest as you can ...and PUSH!!!!!
my first three attempts to do this failed because the nurse kept crossing my body...the 4th try when she did this I doubled up my fist and knocked the hell outta her...no lie...she didn't do that again...crazy broad.....that time the dr. said jesi u have to push I said I AM!!!! he said no u r not...on the next contraction I want shit right here!!!!! well the next contraction came and the babys head came out....within seconds she was born.....a bueatiful baby girl... 8lbs and 10 oz. 21 inches long... red as she could be with a bluesh tent but healthy.....We named her starla... her name was after the stars in the sky which we so loved to watch....
Exausted and still very much in pain we insisted she stay with us...donnie slept next to me in the hospital bed and we took turns...he did most the work....I remember how proud he was and how much trouble he got into for doing cartwheels in the hall of the maturnity ward....
My mother came to michigan to see us and bought alot of baby stuff and a few things for mommy too....she fell in love with her first grand child... it was sad to see mom go...but work was ahead of her and so ohio bound she went...
we left the hospital after 48 hrs and returned to our friends house...I was worried about being a new mother but very pleased, maternal instinct was almost natural and I regained my strength fast....
two weeks after stars birth one of the people we lived with did something to harm anothers child, when childrens services stepped in they made everyone but the mother move out...it was quite unfortunate on us...because after all donnie was laid off and we had no where else to go.....I called my mom...
Mom drove all night and loaded her small car with what we could, we left everything else in the ladys care...having made arrangements to return for our idems...we felt safe...(little did we know she would neglect her promise)
we returned to ohio...stayed in my mothers boyfriends trailer and then moved into an efficancy apartment.... mom helped us and we were ok. until one day I began to feel my mother was gonna try to pull my child away from us...she was becomming too attached to star and treating us like she owned us...in fear we packed in the middle of the night leaving a note and a key with a family member....we returned to michigan where we stayed with another friend...
again not lasting very long , we moved into a house with two other familys it was a pretty good sized house so we were comfortable after all we had a roof over our heads and food and he went back to the company that had laid him off... life was good for awhile... I returned to colage and began working not easy with a new born child....but I was making the deans list 3.0 average and my efforts seemed to b paying off...
then one day the worst happen...donnie had been drinking heavily and we had an arguement he hit me unlike times b4 he didn't stop..I fought back but ended up with a big gash on my eye...this being just the beginning...donnie left wrecked our car, landed in jail,and from there it was all down hill...
the last straw came when I awoke one evening to find him asleep on the couch with a girl named sue, my best friend at the time....sue was just 16 yrs old and we had been hiding her from the athoritys and her parents who had been abusing her...
I didn't make a scean I only left a simple note on the table her or me in bold print...then I went back to bed...low and behold I awoke the next morning to my answer written below it...u guess!!!! that was it..I packed a few idems and left with starla...
we went to a friends house where I met up with donnies best friend... an attractive fella, whome made me feel good at the time...one good turn deserves another right? NOT!!! any way we had intimate moments that night and then larry and I went in seperate directions him back to his house and I home to brag...yes I had to rub it in...not very smart at all...but hay I was only 17 no kid has common scence at 17....
when donnie found out he was crazy mad ready to fight thank god star was at my friends because all hell broke out..I slapped the tar out of him cause he got in my face and i felt defenseless and he took the first 30 or so hits....then sue walked in...and I went off....
I probably would have killed her but donnie tackeled me to the floor grabbed my throat and eyes...when I did manage to fight my way loose I beat his ass good...I told him I would never take another beating and when I was done I left..walking through drug infested streets I arrived safely at the convienate store where I called DADDY!!!!
This is what I said," Daddy I can not see outta my right eye, I think my left arm may be broke, I have mulitple bruises alover my body please daddy come get me." and so he left ohio to retreave me again..this time for good.....
when dad arrived we packed the van and a uhaul trailer full of mine and stars stuff leaving everything other than our clothes and blankets and her toys and bed...they had discusted me so much I was just ready to go...hell with the material Idems I had my daughter and thats all that mattered....I remember crying all the way back to ohio...the emotional pain had become physical...starla crying for her daddy and with each passing second I felt more and more guilty.....
Once in ohio we stayed at my mothers because dad and I can not stay under the same roof...as i explained be fore... mom became demanding again acting as if she owned me...she kept star in her room and that was intemidating...I was stars mother and my child should have been with me....
My next move was in desperation..I walked to john's house, or should I say his parents house...there I found out johnny was now living with another woman right accrossed the street...I knew john he would not go a day without seeing his family so I sat and waited patiently...when he walked in roger( his brother) and I were standing in his parents bed room listening to a tape...john walked in with kim into the kitchen then back into the living room, I turned around he seen me...my hair was blond but he knew who I was...he walked kim home and returned moments later....
"WHAT DO U WANT" he said as he walked through the door...I said here read this and then we can talk....he calmed down read the letter and then said let me think about this..I have moved on....but u are still just as bueatiful as u ever were.....then he left....
that night I layed wondering what was gonna happen next, would he take me back or was I on my own...
the next day his sister told me that johnny was playing games with my heart and he had no intention of taking me back....then she said something that threw me off guard...
she said roger loves u always has and if you would just give him a chance u would see...i could not believe what I was hearing.....but the fear of being alone over whelmed me....
the next night roger and i sat up alone talking and playing cards...he admitted to caring very deeply for me and through the mist we became close...not physically but emotionally...roger respected me as a woman, he did not want me to think he was after one thing...
after a few days of this come and go stuff I left my mothers and moved in with my sister in law to be closer to roger and the rest of the family..still hiding this from john.....and well....his parents too...only shirley the sister knew at that time.....
it wasn't long before star started calling roger daddy I being young dumb and nieve let her....discussions started turning into living together and we started looking for a home....
I didn't know where donnie was and at the time didn't care....one day I got a phone call..donnie was hurt and in the intensive care unit down in florida...that hit me hard..for awhile everyone thought I would run to his side but I came to my sences and kept my tail put....donnie pulled through with minor real damage....
Roger and I found an apartment close to his family and began to make a life for our selves....I think we were happy except that roger was pushing marriage and I was not ready..the more he pushed the more I avoided...I hadn't even divorced yet...I wasn't ready..........
Feeling pressured I tried to break free but roger clung on to me...he was not a physical man but he had me emotionally and the more I tried to break it off the more he tried to stay...one day he came home and found me with some one else...I had tried to break up but roger would not except that...so he became devestated when he arrived home to find another man....He finially moved out.... Over the next few months alot happen... Donnie called begging to come home..I felt like o.k. maybe he has learned that violence isn't the answer, maybe he has hit rock bottom and is ready for a family...WRONG!!!!! it wasn't two weeks and he was starting the shit again, breaking my stuff, violent out bursts,refusing to work, and partying like hell.... nothing had changed at all...so in a fit of desperation I pucked his stuff up peice by peice and threw it out the back door....I was not gonna take it.....
by then my divorce had went through and I was again single...
Mom was taking star on the week ends and I would go out with friends...I went to bars and partys, wked and life was ok...except that I was alone...I found myself bringing home men, and of course going home with men...this lasted about a month...when i remet a old neighbor , we went out a few times.... and i moved in with him...
another mistake...he was just using me and one day he decided to take back his x wife who he hadn't been with in almost 2 years...
I made a grand exit on the back of a motorcycle with another man... returning that evening to get my stuff and again I was in a new live in relationship... he was a good guy much older than I but, he treated me and star good...
every morning he would leave 15$ on the counter for cigarettes and lunch and every evening he brought home dinner....all he ever asked of me was to keep the house clean and him happy...at 18 I was nieve and thought I had no choice so I excepted this as a way of life...at least I had a roof over my childs head and food in her stomach....
It wasn't long though before I was no longer happy, roger was still comming around and by then he was being so sweet.... He again asked me to marry him and this time I said yes...He had never given up on me and I was ready for security....
August 15, 1991 we married, moved in with his parents and worked long hours...life was miserable...and as soon as we could we got an apartment...at that point we were happy, we had a car, a home, and star was getting the things she needed... It wasn't long after we moved that we found out that donnie was in prison...supposably robbed a store after hrs...and molested a little girl. at first I sent shitty letters but then something inside me rung a bell...I do not wish to explain why but I do not believe the part about the little girl
it wasn't three months before I found out I was pregnate...wow... we gonna have a baby!!!! we were excited....we told every one..mom wasn't happy but we didn't care...but as i got further along I couldn't work and he lost his job....forcing us back into his parents home...
there we were 6 months pregnate no job, no money, living with his poor parents, and at night I would listen to their cut downs and degrading comments....
they would take almost 200 of our food stamps and 1/2 our goverment check and still complain...
it was horrible..I would sit at the top of the stairs sand cry, then go see my mom and cry...she finially got tired of seeing me cry so she rented me an apartment down the road..in town and came over to tell me about my new home...
she said that every month she would pay 50$ twords my rent to help..and she kept that promise...she helped with starla on the week ends still.. Mom and I were getting along much better matter of fact you could say that we were mending things quite well...I was writing donnie all the time, no I didn't have any intentions of getting back with him, but a friendship was not out of the question...it passed the time....Me and Roger was getting along fairly well and star was happy....Other than the migrain headaches I was healthy.
We had only lived there a few months when things started to go wrong, Even though mom was helping we were getting further in dept.Roger took a job at an amusement park on third shift and I was home alone...the silence scared the hell outta me so I had a friend stay with me..her husband was in basic training so it wasn't any problem...I was scared I'd go into labot with no one around...
Mom and I spent alot of time talking those days and I was starting to get all the deamons out of my closet..I had quit fearing her and started to trust. Mom brought Star home earley one day telling me that she was going outta town... In my heart I felt something strange about this. Here it was the fourth of july weekend and mom had never seen star with the fire works..I wanted to say please stay..but that would have been selfish I couldn't.. I was about to suggest to her , If she wanted she could take star with her about that time I felt a slap accrossed my face...It was like a strong force knocking me to my scenses. Instead when I said "MOM" I ended it with "I LOVE U"... I'm glad I did...
that night we went to the fire works and for some reason I just couldn't get over that haunting feeling that something was wrong...when we returned at midnight we weren't home an hour when someone I hated came to my door...Moms boyfriends daughter Ricki. She told me to sit down..I instantly took offence telling her I had no intention of sitting...I asked her whats wrong with your dad? she said jesilyn please sit down..which only pissed me off worse.I screamed at her something I don't even remember and thats when she said there's been an accident.... accident I said where's my mom...she said that she was in the hospital..I went nutz..Screaming and crying I HAVE TO GET TO MY MOM!!!!! she said jesi theres nothing u can do...and as she said that I knew that it was worse than I thought..Mom was dead...I started screaming hysterically and ran to the bathroom to get sick....I don't take death well and this bitch had to be lying...that night Johnny was there with us..we left starla with him and his lover and went to my grand mothers house...where I learned that Ricki hadn't lied It was true...
Everyone was crying I knew someone had to start making the calls..I was trying to be strong but when I called moms best friend and I heard her go crazy I lost my mind fell into shock and layed crying in Rogers arms..I guess I cried for several hours while we waited for Rick (mom's b/f) to get there. Never once moving from Rogers lap..like a child scared of the dark I was life less....
Rick finially showed up got out of my mothers car and threw a beer at his uncle who had gotten out of the other side. The sorry son of a bitch then did things that I will never forget...First he pointed his finger at us and said " I WANT YOU TO KNOW RIGHT NOW WE WENT TO GET MARRIED" then he handed me a seven month pregnate woman my mom's false teeth...I colapsed...into a new screaming fit....they carried me in the house...
A few minuets later mom's friend walked in and I felt her finger enter my mouth..not sure what she just did..I knew she had given me something...later I found out it was a valume....she knew some one had to calm me down b4 I went and either lost the baby or went into labor..
It helped I mellowed out became spacey and quit crying.....then she removed me from that house and took me to the flea market where her shop was and let me loose to my hearts desire...I remember I only got hair things for starla...my heart was broken and I just wasn't into what she was trying to do....
later that night she took me to moms house where I walked around spaced out...looking at things and thinking NO THIS ISN"T HAPPENING!!!! Rick had seen me looking at my moms jewrey...harmlessly...when I walked out of her room.He ran up to me grabbed me and said what's on your hand...I knew Rick and he wasn't my favorite person any way so i screamed...MY WEDDING RING AND MY FUCKING WATCH!!! he hauled off and bitch slapped me...I had been in the basement and I had stuff stored down there I had grabbed a letter mom had wrote me so with that in my shirt I ran out the door crying...down the dark alley to a friends house, called the police who practically did nothing about it...he never even faced charges for hitting me....
I didn't go back to moms house again for a while...When it was time for the funeral my grand mother and uncle handeled everything...I wasn't in any shape to do anything...Still quite shocked I stayed in bed and refused to come out, I wouldn't eat and if anyone came near me except starla I went into a fit...this includes Roger....
moms coworkers at the welfare office gathered a collection...bought flowers, food and then gave the money to grandma...for something for me to wear....grandma took me to the store and bought me a maturnity dress and heels and took me home....I was thank full to everyone...
At the funeral I spent the first 2 hrs sitting in a chair outside the main door..I was froze I could not move...As stupid as it sounds I still to this day fear dead bodys....when I did go in I was escorted by my moms b/f two best friends and my husband Roger...That was the longest walk of my life....
She layed in a plush coffin...with a bueatiful pink dress on...there were what seemed like dozens of red roses on her casket.... the smell of roses and other flowers filled the air....I was paralized...Our family was very small...all that was left was me my daughter and unborn child and my uncle....but the out come of visiters was amazing...that woman was so loved... I met people I never knew..the funeral train as I call it was long....
After the funeral we went to Ricks uncles house where we heard tales about the investigation...My mothers murder was an awful thing and to this day I feel that the wrong guy was arrested...or atleast the mind behind the murder walked free...either was Rick was out and allowed to live when my mother would never do this again...
I found out that she had been shot in the back, the bullet had went strait thru...her body had undergone autopsy which had left her otherwise tiny body bloated and distorted...The evidence had disappeared because she was still alive, comatose when the care flight got there...they tried to save her...but, despite their efforts she died in route.For me its a never ending nightmare....
I spent almost three months unable to leave my house unless forced, I cared for my children and hid in my room, everything that required energy was over whelming and my friends supported and helped when possible.. the man who supposably shot my mother's name was Russel Buster Brown... he was sentanced to 7 yrs with the ellegibility of parole...
September 6, 1992 my son Roger Dylan Zachariah was born bright eyes of blue and a head full of charlcol black hair. weighing only 7 lbs 12 oz . Dylan was my smallest child born. Labor began the morning of the 6th I went to the hospital only to be sent home. they said that I was not dialating. by 8pm I awoke to a feeling, the feeling told me to get out of the bed fast...Roger came in and helped me out of our waterbed which layed on the floor. I got to the bath room pulled down my pants and wham. my water broke b4 I could sit down...I quickly changed clothes called my sister inlaw by the time she got there I was fighting the desire to push....I got to the hospital they preped me and within seconds my son was born....everything happen so fast...I cried for my lost mother Roger stood helpless and the nurses took my side...I don't remember pain I don't remember anything just the 1st glance of my son...he was bueatiful...
The next day we returned home a big happy family I now had my husband, and two wonderful kids...life was good except for the rips that I had inquired during birth... Dylan was the first of my children to actually breast feed and I felt special... Unfortunately a friend of mine moved in and my comfort level was disturbed. after only 2 months I quit breast feeding....
when Dylan was 4 months old we moved from the trailer into a house down the street from Rogers mother and father. I went back to work this time I was working long hours. Dylan became sick I knew Roger couldn't do the things needed especially since he couldn't read and Dylan needed 7 differant medications...so we had friends staying around the clock...everyone took a shift of about 4 hrs a peice. I think this was the strain that broke my marriage to Roger...I was working when I should have been caring for my child, Roger wasn't even trying...
After 4 months I became involved again with Johnny My 1st Husband. It was a late night we were still up playing cards....I had taken a valume and I was relaxing...times had been rough and I was needing attention...John knew it and zeroed in on my needs...next thing I knew it became physical...as always I couldnt control that part of myself...any way I am not a cheater so I confessed 4 days later and told Roger it was over that there was some one else.
Roger moved out and back down the road to his mothers...John moved in, that lasted a week...roger made me feel guilty by causing Star to believe he was living in the park...I decided to try to make my marriage wk if only for the kids... Roger came home but the 1st time he tried to touch me I busted out crying...It was more than either of us could handel...the next morning Roger left and I was alone...after about a week or so John began comming back over and we started rebuilding our relationship... Life was good for about a year...
my divorce went thru, and on march 11, 1994 I remarried Johnny, I was working he was working we had a nice apartment and everything was good...after almost 3 years of tryin to convieve we went to the doctor...they found out that the shots i took after dylan had caused my overy to enlarge...we began to do differant things to try to concieve...
