What the hell is she thinking?? Does she have any sense?? I wish I knew what made her tick! If only someone would shine some light on this situation.. Well for all of you who have ever wondered those things while talking to me.. here ya go! This will serve as a portal to my innermost thoughts. I won't type everything. Just things I find of particular interest. I might even go back and find some stuff from the past and drag it up again. It might be helpful. I hope to revive, "The Rules," for any of you who missed them. Anyways.. Feel free to browse around. It might be boring for a while. Oh yeah I'm not using any names so feel free to fill in the asterixed parts with any name you feel compelled to fill it with.
Diary-4/24/01- I'm not sure what he's thinking. Things seem different between us and it's like we're stuck somewhere in between friends and more than friends. It doesn't make sense that I can tell him anything but that we can't talk about something as simple as our feelings about what happened. ** was really upset today. I'm beginning to get really frustrated with him. I care about him but I'm not sure if I'm emotionally capable of dealing with this. I admit it. I dont really understand what goes on in his head. Back to ******, I'm so much more comfortable around him than I've ever been around anyone before. I was thinking today about the man who helped me at 7-11 when I broke down the other day. He was so kind to me, and he didn't even know me. I remember he told me his Bible had been stolen. I wish I had given him mine, but it didn't even enter my mind I think I will go up there tommorow and hope he's there. I think its my most heartfelt regret.
Diary-7/2/01-I have no clue whats going on in my life right now. Nothing makes sense and the hot weather seems to escalate my insanity. The world feels like its decided to be my enemy. Though, maybe, the loneliness is actually because I'm losing my best friends in a month. My heart isn't making any sense and I can't tell whether its just flailing out for anything that will love me in return or whether my feelings are sincere. I can pinpoint the moment my feelings for him changed. I got so scared that I jumped up and went inside. Its frightening because he doesn't love me and even if he could ever love me, we're leaving in a month. I might as well prepare for a broken heart.
Diary-7/9/01-I am officially the most horrible person I know.
Diary-7/15/01- Well I thoguht things would work out but it turns out they aren't going to. I think I will lose everything. I wish things didn't have to be this way, but I screwed up and somehow misplaced my heart again.
Diary-9/10/01-This has been a really bad day. I thought everything would be okay. This weekend was so wonderful. It began with seeing **************************. I was so happy that day. * was even cuddly with me. I've missed him so much. My life isn't complete anymore. Know what I miss the most? Just being near him. * tells me I need to be strong and that i can live without him. Sometimes I think I can but when I saw him there on Friday, I realized that I dont want to live without him. I dont understand myself anymore. Identity vs. Identity Confusion. I dont know how to think anymore. I can't make coherant decisions. He was the only thing on my mind, all weekend. Yet Sunday, when we were alone, I pushed him away. For some reason, I didn't think it was a good idea. One of the most important people in my life is dying and the only thing I can think is; I wish it was me instead. He has so much to live for. He has a family. He makes an impact on so many lives. I owe so much to him, he helped fix me. I dont do anything. I think God sent him to me, to help me find life again, yet when I'm finally beginning to live, God takes him away. I've found my faith again because of him. He never gave up on me no matter what stupid mess I found myself in. I just dont understand sometimes. Please take me instead.
Diary-9/11/01- Please God let this be a dream and let there be no draft.
Diary-9/14/01- They are here. Well most of them. Someone disappeared. Maybe they think I'm stupid. Maybe they are right.
Diary-9/15/01-......must they rub it in my face. In my room? be a little more considerate??... lots of gaps.. need to sleep.. I deserve this.. I'm sorry ***
Diary- 9/15/01-They look beautiful on my floor. I wish I could climb down and kiss him. Its not a good idea. I'm not good enough for him. I never was. I never will be. He deserves a star and I'm just a faded twinkle.
Diary- same day- I would love to freeze this scene and bottle it up and take it out when I have a sad day like a music box.
Poem-same day- And maybe I love him..
I'm just not worthy of his love
I'm not good enough
And most likely never will be
I'm dont light up the sky
But there are twinkles in my eyes
Can't he catch a glimpse of those
Or does he only see the grey sadness
That used to be my bright fire for him
Haiku- same day-
Did you ever ask?
How your actions would affect?
My heart and My soul
10/8/01---Well today was a fairly normal day here at Virginia Tech. I'm getting used to being alone. Its really cold though. I had dinner with Katie. We talked alot which is nice. I think I miss conversation the most. I'm trying to figure out whether or not I'll go home this weekend. JC really wants to and so do I but I really hate driving home alone and he would want to stay til' Tuesday and wonderful VT doesn't give us a fall break. I dont know. I think I should probably just wait til' Thanksgiving before I go home. I'm really enjoying working on this web page. Its giving me something to do although I should really be doing my Human Development Mini-Paper. Its an autobiography and I really dont feel like doing another one because it feels like I just did that huge one for Mrs. Dibble. Oh well, I'll get to it later. Its a Monday. I hope Seth is night monitoring. Mondays are the highlight of my week. I'm beginning to become happy here. I'm relying on myself which is lonely, but I'm learning that I can manage. Megan's getting ready to transfer. So much for contact with the outside world.... Oh well. I'll cheer up I'm sure. On a brighter note, I talked to Mike Koontz today. It was good to hear from him. I haven't seen him in 5 years. I told him I saw Eric, he thought that was cool. love, Suzi
10/9/01***Well yet another day has passed at wonderful vt...hm... nothing much to write eh?? eh?? what the hell am i canadian?? It must be really late.. i talked to jc today and my parents and kelsey and mike.. wow its been a talkative day. My RA messaged us today about Condom Olympics. That gave me a good chuckle.. as did Seth's dumb pic on my site. LOL. that always makes me chuckle. So does JC. He's awesome.. LA LA LA I wrote my autobiography today and go it to fit on an opt scan. That was kinda cool. I hope I get an A I also hope Jimmy feels better.. He seems so sick. Megan's getting sick too. I hope she gets better too. So there aren't germs and so she isn't feeling bad. Kitty Kat needs to feel better too. Dang on it. Everyone is sick.. EVERYONE FEEL BETTER..i think we all need to call our mommies and go home from school GOOD IDEA SUZI.. also.. i noticed today that i've started talkign to myself alot.. like ALOT.. I dont know if this is a good thing or the product of being lonely here. Who knows.. I just keep telling myself.. THings will get better. And hey I'm still smiling right? Right. Sweet dreams my loves. love, Suzi
10/10/01- I love Virginia Tech where else can you get 10 free condoms and entered to win a free pizza!!!??? I have had a very interesting day. Katie's quote of the day, "I dont like to have sex with people." You take it as you will. I'm kinda sick, but I'm really excited about going home this weekend. I really miss normalcy. Kelsey comes tommorow for 2 days. That should be fun, a little glimpse of home at least. I need to go take my online bio quiz. Maybe I'll write more later.
10/11/01~~They found a bomb today in the library. Thats really scary to me especially after watching the president's prime time address to the nation where he warned us all that more attacks are coming. I guess I thought I could feel safe in Blacksburg, but it seems like we can't feel safe anywhere. I didn't realize the possibility of us being hit again. I never thought it was possible. Call it the naive hopes of an idealistic generation, but I have always felt safe living in America.. I wonder how the Afghanistan people feel every day.. I dont feel bad about what we're doing over there. I just feel bad for the children who are waking up to bombs coming down on the next village. Its hard to say whats right in times like these...Its just a sad day in my heart...
Not only did all that happen today but I found out that we can't go see TUdor and MIke tommorow. This is a large disappointment, because I miss them so much. but I guess absence makes the heart grow fonder.. and I can wait a little longer. I'm scared to go that close to DC anyways. I'm leaving here at like 2 in the afternoon tommorow. I hope everything goes well at home. JC and I are going to try to catch a football game. I'm really excited about going home..
10/12/01**Well I'm home.. I'm so happy to be home. but.. now that I'm home.. there's nothing to do. YAWN I'm sleepy. I can't wait tilthe fall festival tommorow.. Its gonna be sooo exciting. I hung out at Bob's house this evening. it was wonderful. I missed jennie adn jc and bob and all the craziness of life at the moran's. Life is good.
10/14/01**I had the best weekend of my life.. I wouldn't change a thing!! I got to see all my friends, my family, and my dog. It was excellent. I am back at school now and the happiness is staying with me. Its awesome. KG fall festival was great I went to the parade, then came home and hung out with Jimmy and Billy T. then I went to my grandma's. Then today I came home and my parents were there. We rode the gocart and had all kinds of crazy fun!! The trip back here was nice too, but I'm not looking forward to the week ahead. Its gonna be rough! I love everyone though!! I hope you can all be as happy as I am. *BIG KISSES* Ciao