I remember the day I woke up and everything had changed. It wasn’t a gradual progression from little girl to woman. It was a total shock. I remember the first time I wasn’t just Nathan’s little sister’s friend. It was the scariest, yet happiest moment of my life.
It was shocking to me when I first received the attention of a boy. My heart did flip-flops. I couldn’t believe HE was talking to me: a real life boy. Every word he spoke gave me a reason to live. Even now I can still hear his voice, but to be honest I don’t know what I was thinking. I guess it’s true that when you get older you realize the errors of your ways. I look back now on the first boys that I “loved” and I wonder what drugs my parents were giving me.
It all started with Gary. He was my first real “boyfriend”. We dated for a total of 3 days, but they were the happiest 3 days of my life. We talked on the phone for hours. We didn’t go on any actual “dates” because neither of us could drive and we couldn’t get a ride from my parents because I never told them I had a boyfriend. I was afraid how they’d act. I’ve looked back at my diaries from this time of my life and have seen where I wrote, “Gary is one of those people who deserves a million dollars just for being great.” I was a weird child. Gary broke up with me for my best friend. I didn’t know it then, but this becomes a pattern throughout the rest of my life.
The next step on my ladder of love was Jeremy. He was the first older boy to pay attention to me. He was in 10th grade and I was in 8th. I think that’s sick now, but back then it was wonderful. I met Jeremy through an older friend, Elizabeth Spooner. At the time, she was interested in hooking up with Jeremy’s good friend, Mike. In the process of trying to hook Liz up with Mike Koontz, I inadvertently began talking to Jeremy. Jeremy and I never really dated. He never took me on a date. I never called him my boyfriend. We were just extra close friends. He dated almost all of my friends, Leah, Keri, Katie, and Vanessa. What can I say though, I was an ugly child with no fashion sense or hair care products.
The next love of my life was Brandon. This was my “bad boy” phase. UGHHHH what was I thinking? Brandon was a senior in high school when I was a Freshman. I scold others (the Jeremies) for dating people of the same age difference. This probably stems from the horrible experience of Brandon. He was a player, drug dealer, and my best friend’s boyfriend. He actually got kicked out of church. Everyone I knew warned me about him, but he was my rebellion. We didn’t date. Brandon doesn’t date people. He just takes their hearts and souls. I sometimes think he feeds on his power over people. He really did have a power over me. It was because of him that I lied to my parents and friends. Some of my friends have yet to forgive me. My actions with him were proof of my naivity and worldly inexperience. If I hadn’t been such an innocent, I would have seen him coming from miles away, but I hadn’t seen the world, and I thought he loved me. Why would he lie about something as sacred as that? When he broke my heart, I saw that the world wasn’t a magical palace. I finally realized that there are more Captain Hooks than Prince Charmings. My experiences with him have inadvertently ruined me for future relationships. I’m afraid things will be the same. I have trouble trusting. Its difficult for me to believe someone cares. It takes me a long time to make close friends. Anything beyond friendship never seems completely real. I have a hard time thinking someone could actually love me. It’s a hard price we pay for stupidity, but its one I must live with now.
I haven’t dated much through high school. I think I’ve been scared. I had brief relationships, but something always held me back. The first guy I dated while in high school was Andy. I met him at a party in 10th grade. At homecoming, he kissed me and asked me out. I didn’t know how to say no (a problem I still have), so I said yes. I worried about it all weekend. When Monday arrived, I wrote him a letter and sent it through a mutual friend. This was my first experience dumping someone.
Next came Seth, he’d been my friend for over a year. One weekend he came home from college, and called me to go out with a group of friends including his brother and Tim. I agreed. I remember my parents questioning me about Seth and I swore up and down that Seth was just a friend and that’s all he would be. That’s what I believed. He picked me up and the evening went rather normally. After the evening I remember looking back for signs something was different but nothing was out of the ordinary. He payed for dinner but that’s typical for Seth. He’s a gentleman. So we all decided to go see a movie. I remember looking at him during the movie and thinking, “He’s going to kiss me.” He did. But long distance relationships don’t have a habit of working plus I think I was too young for Seth and we made better friends. So things ended right before the worst day of my life.
Homecoming was the worst day of my life. I would have been happy and content to go to the dance with my friends, Julie, Leah, and Mike, but I was still going with Seth, when I would have rather not seen him. The day got worse. I went to my hair appointment and they messed up my hair. When I returned from the appointment, my parents went to Walmart, leaving me to get ready by myself. I, then, received the worst phone call I’ve ever received. “Hello?” I answered. Leah’s voice was on the other end. “Suzi, Mike’s been involved in a horrible car accident. He was flown to the hospital by helicopter last night. He wrapped his car around a tree. He was apparently coming to surprise us. They don’t know I he’ll be okay.” I’ve never cried so hard in my life. My poor mother, I called her cell phone, sobbing. She didn’t know what to say to me. She called my Aunt Sandy, and persuaded her to check on me. I think she was afraid to leave me alone. I eventually calmed down, but I was in such a state of shock. I would have been content to sit and cry. I had a commitment though. I suffered through the evening. It was miserable.
My next real boyfriend was Kelly. Kelly and I met in a weird way. He was the first guy I met who actually like me from first glance. He was my first love. We met at a church lock-in at a haunted church. Lambs Creek was an interesting night all around. Mike and Leah dragged me to it. We walked in late because I had worked until 9. It looked like it would be a boring evening, but then I was grabbing my stuff out of Mike’s car, when I met this cute guy, in a letter jacket, named Kelly. I was immediately attracted to him, but well, my previous experiences with guys had been less than encouraging. I didn’t think I had a chance. As the night progressed, he kept talking to me and he ended up sleeping next to me. When morning came, we were the only two early risers and we had time to talk. He put his arm around me and I fell back to sleep on his shoulder. I thought nothing of this. I tend to be better friends with boys and I thought Kel would make a good addition to my list of friends. I left the retreat with a major crush on him. For the next week, Mike had to put up with my questions about Kelly. I found out he went to Colonial Beach High School, which I wasn’t thrilled about. After about a week of my questions, Mike couldn’t take it any longer. He set me and Kelly up. We had a picnic at my house with a few of our friends. It was excellent. Toward the end of the evening he kissed me, and on the ride home he gave me his class ring. I felt very special. My favorite memory of Kelly and my relationship was going to town in his blue Skylark. It was the first time I met his friend Pat. Kel was so proud to be holding my hand in the mall. Everytime he saw someone he knew he would show me off and let them know that I was HIS girlfriend. It was great to have someone care about me that much. In the car on the way home, Pat fell asleep. I was very proud to be sitting next to Kel in the front seat. Each time we’d stop at a stoplight he would lean over and kiss me. It was the sweetest thing I’ve ever experienced. He called me beautiful. Everytime a love song would come on the radio, he would change it to be sung to me. Wake up little Suzi.. Unfortunately, I woke up from this dream world.
After about a month and a half of seeing each other, I began to realize that Kel and I weren’t going to work out. I look back now and realize that it wasn’t me making the decision. It was the way that he didn’t fit into my life at that time. I was working a lot. I didn’t think I had time for a boyfriend. I didn’t want to hurt him, but I knew I needed to end the relationship. I tried very hard to break up with him for about 2 weeks. Finally, on the phone one evening, I just spit it out. He sounded like a hurt puppy. It was a horrible moment.
The next weekend we’d planned to go on a church retreat in the mountains with a lot of our friends. At this youth retreat, which happened over my birthday, he tried everything to win me back which upset me because I was battling inside myself to know whether or not I’d made the right choice. I spent most of the weekend angry at Kel for not giving me my space. For a long while afterward he came to my house every day to to talk. I am a busy person and even though I really missed him, I needed my space so I could sort out my feelings and he really wasn’t giving me that. Well he didn’t give me that until a few months later when he called and said he was moving to Florida. He left a beautiful letter and drawing on my car window. It was an oil pastel he had made for me as soon as he arrived home after meeting me. I still have this drawing and I treasure it along with Kel in my heart forever.