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Clan Hunchback IIC     

 Smokie's Bandits

               

                                       

The Morons Behind the 'Mechs


Grant: "I swear man, he's been trying to kill me!"

Reid: "Grant, Robinson may say he's going to kill you, but he doesn't really mean it."

Robinson: "Actually, he's right, I have been trying to kill him but all attempts to do so

have failed.  He's hard to hit because he's small, I think I'll call him Mini-he.*Puts pinky to mouth*"

Trotter: "*Fake Sneeze* RIPOFF! *Fake Sneeze*"

Reid: "Do you expect Grant to stand around and let you kill him?"

Robinson: "No, Mr. Reid, I...expect...him...to...DIE! *Strokes white cat*"

Trotter: "*Fake Sneeze* ANOTHER RIPOFF! *Fake Sneeze*"

Sir Pissalot: "ooh aah uhh, oooo aaahh! ["Shut the hell up, I'm trying to sleep!"]"

Masson: "I see dead people..."

Mcguire: "*Sigh* You guys gotta stop smoking my pipe."

This section discribes the mechwarriors of Smokie's Bandits. While the names of the characters are real (unless otherwise noted as "Character"), please note that the character stories are not a reflection of their human counterparts. Reid is not really a disgruntled, drunk, pistol whipper. Infact, he's too friggin' quiet half the time IRL. Travis, while he is good with the ladies, is not really a pimp (unless he actually wants to be called that). Chuck is not really a lunatic, even though he's too into "Star Trek". Matt is not really a crackhead, he just has a good sense of humor. It has been decided that it may take too much time to try to get photos of the everyone dressed as their character, so we have come up with another idea instead. Pics will be added if possible, but for the others we will include a drawing of their character. The pics will be placed on the front section of this page. For the drawings, we will place them on a different page for each character that will include their game stats. This will be added as a link to each story so that the main character page will not load slowly. Please read on.

Colonel Richard Reid :

This Drunkard is the idiot who is supposed to keep the rest of these saps in line. Reid took command of the Bandits when its former CO, the late Jason "Smokie" Leer was killed by Clan Ghost Bear during the Clan invasion of the Innersphere. Reid some how managed to rally his comrades, in which they fought the Clan units to a stand still ( We don't know how he did it either. We have decided that maybe miracles do happen. Either that, or the Ghostbear units were having a bad day.) until reinforcements arrived, allowing the Bandits to escape. This guy seems to think that just because he can fly a plane he can pilot a mech ( Riiigghhhhttt... maybe that explains why his Thunderbolt falls down in combat so much. Stick with your day job Rick!). The Colonel is prone to heavy drinking and pistol whipping at the drop of a hat, which has lead to a few problems. In a bar on the planet Outreach, home of the merc unit Wolf's Dragoons, Reid had a little too much to drink and began to sing "100 Bottles of Beer on the Wall" quite badly. When Jaime Wolf told the Colonel to "shut the hell up!", Reid replied with the barrel of his gun across the Dragoon commander's face. Colonel Reid was then attacked by two Dragoon battle-suited Elementals, sparking a barfight between the Bandits and the Dragoons. The Bandits would have had their butts kicked had it not been for the skill of  Lt. Sir Pissalot. A bloody nosed Jaime Wolf banned the unit from Outreach, but later revoked this sentence when Major Travis Robinson made him "an offer he couldn't refuse."

Reid puking his guts out.
Photo: No sir, don't puke in the docking bay! NOOO!!! Damn, now we gotta clean that up!


Major Travis Robinson :

Major Travis Robinson is the pimp of the unit. If he isn't in a battle or a barfight, he's either with women, drinking, sleeping, or all of the above. This guy is a crucal member of the unit, as he has the job of finding dates for the rest of the Bandits. His secondary job is as the unit's Assault Force commander. Robinson and his Lance mates have the job of punching through an enemy line while the battle rages around them. The Major's Atlas has become a feared sight on the battlefield to any unit that is on the recieving side, being laid to waste by his mech's heavy Autocannon. Robinson almost drinks as much as Reid. Travis was recently debunked by the Colonel for having a beer fridge hooked up in his  Atlas's cockpit, until the Major pointed out that the Colonel had a cooler of beer under his Thunderbolt's command chair   ( Reid: "I swear I never knew it was there!" Robinson: "Then why are there a bunch of empty beer cans in it?!" Reid: "I don't know, they came with the mech when I bought it!" Robinson: "Riiiigghhhhttt..." ). Travis was on Outreach when the barfight between the Bandits and the Dragoons broke out, and later made a deal with Jaime Wolf to revoke the exile of the unit from Outreach. The "offer" was 30 scantly clad women and a rented hot tub. Needless to say the Dragoon's commander gladly accepted.

The Major struts his stuff at the annual mercenary convention.
Photo: The Major struts his stuff at an annual convention for mercs. "Tre Pimp!"


Major Chuck Trotter :

The card carrying lunatic of the Bandits. Chuck has an obsession with walking onto the bridge of ships shouting "Mr. Spock! Report!" and "Captains log, Stardate  215.3. I've lost my toupee and girdle and can not leave my room!" When not in battle, Major Chuck can be found hanging around the engineering section of the units dropships, playing with the intercom and yelling "I'm giving her all she's got captain!" (Ahab: "What the hell!? Trotter, how the hell did you get down there again!" Trotter: "I can't help it captain, the engines just won't do it!" Ahab: "That's because they're shutdown you blooming moron!" Trotter: "Ack, how do expect me to be a miracle-worker under these conditions lad!" Ahab: "Security to the engineering deck now! Take the tear gas with you this time!") The Major recently had a disagreement with Lt. Sir Pissalot. Since they are in the same Lance, it should be interesting to see what might happen on the battlefield between them. Chuck also enjoys torturing the prisoners of war that the unit sometimes captures ( "Ve have vays of making you talk! Zigfred! Hand me ze cattle prod!"). Unfortunately the Bandits were fined 500,000 C-bills two months ago when Chuck went too far with one prisoner. It seems that the major thought that tying a POW to his Awesome's PPC cannon while in combat was an effective form of interrogation. The Bandits have tried to have the Major committed, but none of the Innersphere institutions would accept him. Maybe the Clan ones will. We can only hope.

Run! Run for your life!
Photo: The photographer of this image mysteriously disappeared. His body was found in a shallow grave in the woods. Moral: Don't call the Major a nut to his face.


Lieutenant Sir Pissalot (Character):

Sir Pissalot is the only sane member of this sorry troop. He is an excellent Mechwarrior with more skill in his little finger then the the entire unit has combined, and his elite rating proves it. Sir Pissalot is often prone to feces throwing and fighting. He has a blackbelt in several martial arts, including Kirate, Tai Kwan Do, Feung Shung, Fling Sh#@, and Tai Bo. His skill has saved the unit members from many a barfight - most recently one  involving the Dragoons. Sir Pissalot often spends his free time laughing at his comrades, and during parties he can be found above the crowd up in the rafters of the building, drinking a bud light and doing his namesake on the heads of his fellow Mechwarriors. Not surprisingly, the Bandits are normally too drunk to notice this. Sir Pissalot has a grudge against his Lance Commander, Major Chuck Trotter, after an unfortunate incident at a Mercenary convention. Chuck tried to introduce Sir Pissalot to the mascot of the Merc unit Snake's Crushers, Mr. Squeeze 'um. Trotter made the mistake of letting go of Sir Pissalot too soon. The monkey turned around and beat the living tar out of the Major, finishing the fight by ramming Chuck's head down the python's throat. The python was tramatized by this incident and the Bandits had to pay for the snake's counseling. Despite all that has happened, Sir Pissalot is glad he joined the unit, proudly proclaiming "Ooh ohh ahh ohh ahh uhuhuh!" <"I was better off with the organ grinder!">                                                                                           

Sir Pissalot laughs his butt off at the unit's preformance doing a training exercise.
Photo: Sir Pissalot watches a Smokie's Bandits Training exercise before making a performance review. You can guess by his laughter how the unit did. 


Lieutenant Matt Mcquire :

Matt is the crackhead of the unit, who loves to shout "I drive mech! I drive mech!" when on the battlefield. He is the unit's Anti-Infantry Commander, and he enjoys his job a little too much - "Matt crush puny human!".  Matt uses his  Stinger's Machine guns, Medium Laser, feet, and sometimes his whole mech to destroy entire companys of troops. This guy gives new meaning to Korn's song "Freak on a Leash". He has befriended Sir Pissalot, and is the only unit member to ever beat him in a fight. On his spare time, Matt can be found at the bars with his crack pipe and hitting on women with winning lines such as "I see you have breast, I have breasts to." Mcquire was once studied by scientist when it was discovered that the electrical shock received through a Mechwarrior's helmet from ammo explosions did nothing to him. The scientist discovered that this was due to the fact that Matt smoked so much that he did not have any living brain cells left to fry ( We coulda told them that! ).


Captian Ahab: (Character)

Captain Ahab is the dropship force commander for the unit, his flag ship being the Union class DS "Zorro's Ride". This old pirate has the job of getting the unit safely to its dropzone, giving fire support, and controling any space battles as well as sending fighters to the areas that they are needed for support. This space sailor often rants and raves during parties, mumbling about a "great white jumpship" and some dick named moby (We think Ahab might be gay.) The bandits have a slightly negative outlook towards the habits of Ahab and are quite sick of having to swear blood oaths to kill that dick (which we never find thank god!) while drinking rum from hapoons (though Reid doesn't mind the rum part.) every time they go into battle. The bandits have decided that when they get a jumpship, they'll paint it white just to see if Ahab has a fit.                                                                                           

Ahab's talking about that dick again. Everyone's got issues, right?

Photo: Ahab's talking about that dick again. Everyone's got issues, right?


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