Following are examples of random emails I have received & responded to:

Last updated 09-28-01

hi i have just knew about your web site yesterday.mya be you are not going to believe my story. i have been married for 2 years now, and i never had sex any single time due to vaginasmus. my life is turning into hell and i am fighting with my husband every day and we are about to be divorced at any time. i fell like am not a normal person any more and i am confused what to do. can you help me.

Shireen,

Please know that I am thinking of you and can't imagine how frustrated, scared and lonely you are right now with all this arguing surrounding vaginismus and your marriage.

Since I am unsure if you were diagnosed by a doctor or not, I would encourage you to visit your physician, and bring your husband along so that he can be told what is physically happening that is preventing the penetration. Additionally, due to the stress on the marriage, it would be most beneficial for you too to seek counseling so that you can mediate discussion, free from unrelenting fighting for at least an hour.

Other things that may be of assistance for you is to join the vaginismus list for sufferers only at www.vaginismus@yahoogroups.com

And to have your husband join www.vaginismuspartners@yahoogroups.com which is a place for husbands to vent and discuss how difficult it is for them to deal with too.

Another group that might be of benefit is the list for both sufferers, partners, and professionals to read and respond to: www.1vaginismus@yahoogroups.com

The reason I suggest these is that support is one of the things that seems most lacking for women sufferers. Many women suffer in silence, these support groups give them a voice. Plus, the sufferers only group has over 600 members, all with varying degrees of vaginismus. Definitely you will no longer feel completely alone after reading their stories.

Shireen, I urge you to read all you can on vaginismus to educate yourself on your body and its responses so that you can take pride in yourself as a women. This may be the most difficult part to accept. That is loving yourself and knowing that this disorder is not a punishment nor your fault. It just is and by accepting yourself, you can learn that vaginismus though frustrating is only an obstacle that you can overcome in time.

Be patient with yourself, and relish in the pride it took to make this first step to reach out for help.

In Sexual Health,
Andrea
www.sexualitytutor.com

_______________________________________________________

Pelvic Exams

When you suffer from vaginismus, how do you get a pelvic exam? I am 41 years old and have never had one due to this condition. Any suggestions?

Dear Dimi,

Some women who suffer from vaginismus are still able to have exams depending on the severity of the contractions or spasms of the muscles surrounding the vaginal walls. However, it is not always comfortable or without incident. Depending on the women’s severity of vaginismus, the actions of the physician, and her anxiety associated with the pending exam determine whether an attempt at an internal exam is traumatic or not. Part of the solution is finding a sympathetic doctor who is specialized in pelvic dysfunction or disorders that approaches this cautiously. The second part is using calming techniques before the exam to help ease the compounding problems associated with anxiety over such an exam.

For women who have severe vaginismus contractions and spasms who either have had no luck with attempts at the internal exam or who have been traumatized by prior attempts, anesthesia has been used to complete a full pelvic exam. My feelings on this are conflicting as though I see pelvic exams as necessary to prescreen for ill health; the need for anesthesia in my opinion should be avoided unless there is reason to suspect severe illness.

Another option might be hypnosis, however, I have yet to hear of a gynecologist that uses hypnotherapy as an internal examination tool. Definitely something to consider getting worked out! If you are already seeing someone for hypnotherapy and requested to your physician that they are present in the room and have you under while the doctor examines you.

Really the best solution in these cases is a gradual approach to the exam. This would be most beneficial to the patient if you are able to find a health care provider willing to take the time. A great example would be to go in for an oral interview fully dressed to discuss patient history. Then a second appointment to inform the patient of procedure, showing them the room, the tools used, and how they work. Then a third appointment is made where you are examined externally only. I hope that by the fourth appointment an internal can be attempted.

Note that this technique as a solution might only work if the person is susceptible to high anxiety in addition to her vaginismus symptoms. If the result of the vaginismus is physical in nature only, the extreme methods may be the only choice. However, this gradual approach certainly wouldn’t hurt and would open the line of communication and trust between patient and doctor.

The most frustrating part of the whole aspect for me is that pelvic exams as they are defined seem to be conducted solely for the purpose of a pap smear of the cervical tissue. My definition of a pelvic exam should include visual inspection of the vulva’s anatomy including labia majora, labia minora, and the clitoral area. Additionally, manual touch to feel for lumps, tenderness or pain triggers would rule out other disorders or dysfunction that is not always apparent to the naked eye. Once that is conducted, the Pap smear, which is a conducted by opening the vaginal walls with a speculum, inserting a long q-tip or small wooden spatula to brush against the cervical tissue to collect cells for a microscopic scanning be included. On other aspect of the pelvic exam is to have the doctor insert fingers in the vagina and anus to feel for irregularities in the walls or lining of the pelvic region.

One last thing, be open and express your expectations and fears to the physician pending exam. Doing your part to establish an open communication line will encourage the physician to meet you halfway in regard to discussing and determining the best way to conduct exams for your particular needs.

In Sexual Health,

Andrea

_______________________________________________________

Long Distance Relationship/Pain with Intercourse
Dear SexualityTutor,
Hello.
I'm a 22 year old female, recently married. My husband, and I are the same age, and were both virgins. We live apart, as it's a paper marriage, for a year till he finishes his studies, when we live together. We have had a few opportunities for intercourse.
My question is: he seems to enjoy it. As far as I'm concerned, I feel a great pain as he thrusts, and I keep moving away, it's very hard to control myself so he can thrust all the way.. each time I've tolerated the pain, while he thrusts.. I also feel a pressing need to relieve (urinate) myself during intercourse, and sometimes also after it.
The point is, all I feel during intercourse is pain. My husband is very very considerate, doing a lot of foreplay, etc, but it all leaves me a bit cold... in my heart... though my body does respond..
So, why the pain, and what could be wrong? I have masturbated since I was 9, though I'm trying to avoid it, since marriage.
glad of your help!

Dear Xene,
Several things within your email may need to be addressed. First of all, in long distance relationships it is not uncommon for the physical separation to cause us to feel emotional separation. By feeling disconnected, though our bodies may respond accordingly, our emotional self may not get our needs met. Therefore, though we can be sexual, we may desire or require other types of intimacy through conversation, time together, and holding each other. From an assumptive point of view, your emotional needs in not being met by the physical separation may be causing resentful or hurt feelings that causes a disconnection between the two of you when engaging in sexual contact.

With that, if you are not fully aroused, the vaginal area may not have engorged or lengthened internally nor will you have properly lubricated. This may be contributing to the pain you feel with intercourse. Try using lubrication such as "Probe" or any vaginal lubricant during sexual play.

Though you mentioned that you engage in "foreplay", it may be helpful for you both to read books on other forms of sexual play. Also, realize that engaging in sexual play for pleasure instead of focusing on sexual play for preparation of intercourse will do much to improve your relationship.

Additionally, you mentioned that feeling of pressure or need to urinate. This is not unusual and can be derived from several aspects of functioning. Urinate before sexual intercourse and afterwards to alleviate the pressure in the bladder. Along with that, the angle of penetration can be changed with positioning to avoid pushing on the anterior or front wall of the vagina that lays along the bladder. In figuring out new positions is where the assistance of books comes in handy so that you have pictures to imitate. Please note here too that sexual activity after a period of no activity can be irritating to the vaginal area and/or bladder as the tissues and mucous membranes are not used to the friction. Hence, the need to fully become aroused and be properly lubricated.

Moving on, my main concerns with your letter are your discontinuation of masturbation since marriage and your allowing painful intercourse to continue. Masturbation is a way to keep the pelvic organs healthy while instilling good feelings within yourself and your sexuality. It is quite possible that in trying to inhibit your sexual desire to masturbate that you are incidentally inhibiting your sexual desires with your spouse. It is difficult to go from sexually "off" for months to sexually "on" for a weekend.

Without communicating your discomfort and pain with intercourse to your spouse, I am afraid that compounds the problem. You said that you think he enjoys it, ask him to open up communication lines. Because if he thinks things are fine, even that you are enjoying it, and all the while you are hurting, you both may fall into a pattern of sexual play that is unsatisfying and painful. As your husband, he will care and want to contribute to make your sexual contact more enjoyable so tell him what is occurring so that way he can engage in solutions with you to ease the discomfort.
On a final note, please visit your physician, telling him everything you told me and giving him more details. That way infection or disorders can be ruled out and that you can be make sure nothing else is going on medically.
Once that is determined, feel confident that many aspects of our lives contribute to situational pain and discomfort and that you have the ability to address your needs and desires to foster growth in your marriage.
In Sexual Health,
Andrea, the SexualityTutor.com

-------------------------------------------------------

Regarding Penis Size in relationship to Vaginal Length
Dear Andrea,
I have been using graduate dilators for the past few weeks now and I seem to be stuck on 6". I have been able to get it in as far as 5 3/4 but then I feel like I hit a wall. Is it possible that my vagina can only 'hold' a penis that is of that length? If so, I will probably have trouble finding a partner that is less than 6" (when erect)
L

Dear L,
When we are aroused, the vaginal length increases to varying sizes. From reading various studies, the length of the vaginal canal when aroused ranges from 6 - 8 inches. Taking that into consideration when using the dilators, if you are not aroused or only mildly aroused, you may not be reaching your full potential of expansion.

From interviewing men, it is my general consensus that they are satisfied with penetration to varying degrees. Though they admit to the awe of full, deep penetration, most of them do not require it in order to reach orgasm or consider it a factor in describing their sex lives as satisfying. Anyhow, due to arms, legs, and physical limitations on flexibility, creative sexual positions other then the missionary (man on top) method, getting full penetration is near impossible.

Since you raised questions concerning male genitalia, you may wish to view this site on averages of penis size including length and width. The averages are based on information submitted by over 3,100 males. http://www.connection.com/~dickie/result.html

To heighten your arousal during dilation exercises, try using music, candle lighting, romantic movies, romance novels, fantasy, written erotica, or sexual oriented movies. Whatever turns you on the most would be most beneficial in bringing you to full arousal.

As a side comment, I would like to add that picking a partner needs to be based on his qualities and not his penis length. If he is a high quality male in his words, actions, and ability, you will be able to work out any minor inconveniences and still have fulfilling sexual relations.

Healing Wishes,

Andrea Adams-Miller, the SexualityTutor

_____________________________________________

Dear andrea,
i am 13 and have no idea how to masturbate please help. i am a girl .
love jenna

Jenna,
Your question was on the topic of masturbation. Masturbation is a natural act of discovering how your body works and feels. There is no set way to do that. Just as there should be no shame in exploring, it still is to be a private personal time. So explore what works for you in moments that you are alone, like in the shower or bath, or in the privacy of your bedroom.
With the coming of puberty, the changes can be overwhelming. The ideas and questions of sex and sexuality consume our minds. The best advice I can give you is to tell you to accept and find your physical appearance beautiful as it is, to respect your body as your own not sharing it with others, and to focus on bettering yourself and educating yourself to your full advantage. By doing so, you will be a healthy confident woman who can make educated decisions and weigh the consequences of such decisions when exploring sexual thoughts and ideals.
My main concern is that young women let sexual thoughts consume themselves so much that they focus on boys and how to get boys to like them more, instead of turning that energy inward. Because of this, I always encourage that teens find an adult to confide in, so that the questions you ask can address personal situations in your life. If not your mother, maybe another adult women that can be trusted. I also recommend the book, "What Every Young Women Needs to Know," by Dr. Bill Fitzgerald.
And Jenna, just because you feel curious and want to explore does not mean you have to or should engage in any particular sexual behavior. Every decision in our lives comes from personal choices based on how we were brought up, our religious beliefs, and our personal convictions for what is right or wrong. This a time for you to make decisions based on on what you believe works for you. I will reiterate to try to talk to your parents. Give them the opportunity to answer your questions before you seek outside counsel. You may be pleasantly surprised.
Sincerely,
Andrea, the SexualityTutor

_______________________________________________

Subj: re: dialators... dialation...
To: Andrea@sexualitytutor.com

Would it be alright to use natural.....objects such as a carrot..or carrots of various sizes for dialation?! And should they be peeled first? And what about something like a weiner? Or a Frank?! Would Ballpark franks be ok? They are softer....
Thanks Ms. Andrea,
Bluemoon

Dear Bluemoon,
Yes, it is sometimes more practical to use items within the household for insertion exercises. As far as carrots, I would recommend washing them first. As far as peeling, it makes sense to peel the carrots smooth to avoid the friction factor, unless of course that feels good to you. Actually, many women prefer candles to carrots because of the smoothness and the oddity of using food items turns some people off. However, others find it erotic. Either way, both items are tapered, which allows for gradual dilation.
Because of my concern for the vaginal pH balance being upset, which could allow bacteria to flourish, I am not for insertion of products with oily residues such as hotdogs,unless you put a condom over them. The vaginal canal does have the ability to cleanse the vagina, however, our natural secretions are not made to dissolve oily by-products left behind by such objects.
Food and objects are a fun fantasy for many persons during sex play so your questions are not unusual. If you prefer an object specified for that use, I suggest a jelly dong. These dilators are made of a flexible jelly-like plastic and come in various shapes, sizes, and colors.
As always, I plead with everyone to use caution and common sense with insertion of any items.
In Sexual Health,
Andrea, the SexualityTutor

__________________________________________

Subj: sex activity after 65 for men
From: Ahmad To: Andrea@SexualityTutor.com

during masturbating i noticed color change of the sperm fluid tending to be red
at the age of 67 old man how many sexual activities could be safe & its period
i had a prostate gland operation 1993
appreciating your advice
best regards
Ahmad

Dear Ahmad,
Please make an appointment with your urologist right away. Having blood mixed in the seminal fluid can be very serious if left untreated. Since you have already had problems in the past, you may have an infection or other disorder within the prostate or anywhere within the genitals. Beyond that problem, sexual activity for men is been shown to prolong longevity. So I say the more that you can enjoy sexual pleasure the better for your health as long as it doesn't interfere with your obligations in life in work, with spouse, and so forth. Contrary to popular belief, there really is no normal or average stats that you should concern yourself with trying to maintain. Sexual interest and sexual activity varies with each person and is based on hormones, age, lifestyle, health and other factors. If you are satisfied with your frequency of activity, chances you are doing the best for yourself that you can.
In Sexual Health,
Andrea, the SexualityTutor

________________________________________________

Subj: penis size
Hi, i have a question about a normal penis size. I have 4.75" penis size and a circumference of 5.5". I feel the normal length of penis is 6". Mine is smaller than the average... I am still a virgin.... Will the smaller size affect my sexual life with my fiance or will it affect an orgasm.......Please reply.
S

Dear S,
I have put a link here for you to review as far as averages in penis size at the end of this response. There you will see that you are very within average range. I must tell you that I am suprised at how many men worry about their penis. Women's vaginas are equally diverse and adaptable to many sizes of girth and length in regard to partners for sexual intercourse. So many men believe that women base good sex on the man's size when in marriage good sex is based more on ability to adapt to differences and great foreplay and communication. When you are in a committed relationship, both partners should be able to make adjustments to find pleasure despite the partners shortcomings. (Pun intended.) However, in your case, you are well within normal. I might add that your concern for her sexual pleasure and ability to research for answers tells me you have more to offer then any man with only a larger penis size. In asking her needs and her desires, she is sure to find not only you but your penis able to stimulate her to orgasm. Have a great honeymoon, just relax and know to take your time. You don't have to do it all in one night. Use your honeymoon time to enjoy, play and experiment.
In sexual health,
Andrea, the SexualityTutor
http://www.connection.com/~dickie/summary.html

______________________________________________
Subj: Porn Industry
Date: 11/16/2000
From: Doug
Dear Andrea

I am a 29 year old guy who has fascinated for several years about working in the porn industry. I masturbate about 4 to 5 times a day thinking about it and watching the shows. Is this wrong? and if not can you tell me ways of going about getting into the industry?
Thank you.
Dreams O' Porn.

Response to Dreams o'Porn aka Doug
Doug,

Your question requesting to know if it is wrong to be masturbating dreaming of sex can only be answered by you. In my opinion, feeling good & having fantasy of being paid to do something you enjoy can be a healthy fantasy as long as it is not preventing you from seeking other relationships or is not in conflict with your religious/moral beliefs, is not a way to avoid being intimate with a partner or is obsessive to the point of preventing you from completing necessary duties in your life, like jobs and housework. Since you asked me the question, I can't help wondering why YOU think it is wrong? Maybe by exploring the thoughts above, you can answer for yourself why this may be wrong in your opinion, as you have direct information to know how it is impacting you life favorably or unfavorably.

If you find this is healthy for your lifestyle, then relax and enjoy your ability to find pleasure. If you truly want to explore this as a career, then research the options by contacting the agencies listed on your videos. There are people out there that love this industry & enjoy doing this. You need to explore this indepth to see if this really is a possibility for you or if just having the fantasy is satisfactory in your life.

Sincerely,
Andrea, the SexualityTutor

_______________________________________________________
Date: 11/30/2000 MALE MASTURBATION
Dear Andrea,
Would you please let me know what are the advantages and disadvantages of men masturbation? Is this very harmful? And how can I check that my penis is perfect??

Thanks for you assistance.

Imran

Response to Imran:

First let me address the question of the perfect penis: Each woman or man has her/his own ideas of what the perfect sized, shaped, and width a penis should be. The question is to you to decide if your happy with it. That can be answered by asking yourself these questions: Does it do the job you want it to do? And are you sexually satisfied? If yes, then quite possibly you have the perfect penis for you. The only other person to be concerned about is your partner. Do they say they are satisfied with it? And sometimes even if the partner says no, that doesn’t mean it’s not the perfect model of a penis for another. Quite possibly a response of no may not mean a problem with the penis per say but with the owner attached do it or what the owner does with it!

On masturbation, please refer to other questions on whether it is harmful or not, as I have addressed that before. However, no one has yet requested to know benefits of masturbation, so I will address that here. A few advantages are that I have heard mention of studies that it is healthy for males to orgasm regularly. In fact, you men will be glad to hear that regular orgasm is believed to correlate with longer life expectancy. To my knowledge the studies did not outline if the orgasm had to be with a partner or solo. Another advantage to male masturbation is that it is my belief that if you are able to pleasure yourself, if you get to understand how your body responds to stimuli, and if you are able to relate on how your body functions, that you may possibly have more fulfilling encounters. It is quite possible that you will be a better lover in teaching your partner how to stimulate you to optimum pleasure. By the way, one additional side advantage is that some partners love to watch a man stimulate himself to orgasm.
Sincerely,
Andrea, the SexualityTutor
___________________________________________________
Subj: Masturbation
Date: 7/19/00
To: Andrea@sexualitytutor.com
I am 30 years old and live a healthy lifestyle. Can you please tell me if there are currently any masturbation studies being conducted. I would like to participate and possibly make money. I live in the New York area.
Tom

Response to Tom:
Well, I had to dig quite a bit! Unfortunately, I am unaware of any current masturbation studies currently seeking volunteers in your area. However, I was able to come across two different studies currently seeking volunteers in the area of sexual behavior & sexual hormones that are being conducted in NY.

Weill Medical College of Cornell University (1-888-694-5700) has several studies being conducted, mostly concerned with Psychological aspects of behavior. The two in question that pertain to you are:
Development of sexual behavior inventory// John Clarkin, PhD// This is an instrument development project. The primary aim is to develop two instruments, one, a self-report, the other a semi-structured interview, to reliably assess realms of sexual behavior, including overt sexual behavior, sexual behavior linked to emotional investment and capacity for falling in love// For information call Pamela Foelsch, PhD at 914-997-5790

Sex hormones, sleep and circadian rhythmicity in aging// Patricia Murphy, PhD// Healthy men and women 18-30 years or over 60 years of age spend 3 consecutive nights and intervening days in the General CRC unit at New York Presbyterian Hospital. Participants are kept awake for a 36-hour period during which blood samples are obtained (for the measurement of estrogen, testosterone, LH and FSH). A final night of sleep follows the period of sleep deprivation. // For further information please call Ms. Anne Barbano at 914-997-5825

One other suggestion is for you to participate on an on-line study: http://www.internetsexsurvey.com/

The other things you can do are call your local hospitals or universities and request if they have a research dept. needing human subjects for medical research. Depending on your locality, you may be near advanced facilities offering departments specialized in the study of sexuality.
Good Luck,

Andrea, The Sexuality Tutor
_______________________________________________________

Subj: sexual intercourse
Date: 6/30/00
From: Ben
To: Andrea@sexualitytutor.com

I am 24 years old and have been going out with my g