Baring it All (part 43) Dear Momma I managed to sneak away from Travis and Danesha after dinner. My mind had been reeling for the past several days and I needed to talk to someone who could help me make sense of it. I knocked lightly on Granny's door, just in case she was still sleeping. She opened the door quickly. "Hey Baby! What are you doing here so late? Is everything all right?" she asked. "Yes, Granny. I mean no. I mean, I need to talk to you." I stammered. Granny invited me in and I sat down on the couch. She offered me a cup of her decaffeinated orange pekoe tea. I took the cup from her hand and sipped.It made me feel all warm inside. Granny always had a way of doing that for me. "So, what did you want to talk about?" she asked. "When was the last time you talked to Momma?" I said. Granny looked at me surprised. I never asked about Momma. Granny sometimes offered unsolicited information that I pretended not to hear. She always invited me to join her when she went to visit. I declined each time making up some excuse. "I actually talked with her on Sunday. She called and we had a pleasant chat." Granny answered and sipped on her tea. I waited for her to continue before I realized Granny wasn't going to make this easy for me. She was going to make me come out and say exactly what I was thinking. Of all the times in the world for Granny to stop rambling on and on she picked today. "How is she?" I asked trying to sound casual. "She's doing fine Baby...just fine." I sighed deeply. Granny peered at me over her glasses. Finally she said. "What's this all about child?" she asked. "Granny, why did she do it? How come she loved those men and sex more than she loved me? I don't understand Granny." I said, "Marissa, I've told you many times your Momma loves you dearly. Why do you continue to doubt that?" She answered "Momma cared about sex, and making money. I had no place in that. If she loved me why wasn't she a secretary, or a teacher, or even a factory worker?" "I never judged your mother Marissa just like I don't judge you. I did my best to raise you both but somehow I failed. I failed both of you." she said quietly I was stung by Granny's words. "She'd failed with both of us" rang over and over in my ears. I knew that she saw my mother when she looked at me. "What brought all of this talk on?" Granny asked. "What happened with your mother was a long time ago. Why is it so important now Marissa?" she said. "I don't wanna end up like her Granny," I said as I wiped away a tear. "What do you mean honey? Granny asked "I don't approve of you dancing at Chocolate Paradise but it's legal...isn't it?" she asked. "That's not what I mean Granny." I said She looked at me puzzled. "Momma let sex control her destiny. Until a few weeks ago it was the driving force in my life. I don't want to be that way anymore Granny but I don't know how to change. I've become Momma and it scares me." Granny took me in her arms as the tears began to fall. She held me closely until I felt the warmth inside that Granny could always bring. When I was composed she asked me. "Marissa, what do you want to do? Are you saying you don't want to dance anymore at Chocolate Paradise? Are you giving up sex girl?" she asked. "I don't think I want to dance anymore Granny. The last time I was there I ran out. I ran to Travis. Then when Lisa was murdered and Travis was arrested everything got so confusing. Now Monica's dead too, and Marcus is planning to reopen in a few days. I don't think I can go back Granny." "Then don't." she said matter of factly. Then she added. "What about sex? Is that what this is all about?" "I nodded my head." Granny knew I had been promiscuous since I was 14. She lectured and punished me but I never stopped. When Momma was arrested 3 weeks before my 18th birthday I quickly became out of control. Granny worried but she realized I was an adult. She couldn't make my decisions for me. Before I had met Travis I could not imagine sleeping with the same man night after night. But now it was all I wanted; all I craved. I explained that to Granny. She smiled. "Love can sometimes do that to you Baby. But make sure that you are not changing for the Reverend. He loves you anyway. You have to do what makes Marissa happy" she said I nodded my head. "Granny, can I have Momma's address? I want to write her." I said. I knew I wasn't ready to see her but I knew that I could finally forgive her. I'd hated Momma for so many years for not taking control of her life but now I realized she didn't know how to anymore than I did. I wasn't completely in control but with Travis and Granny helping I knew I was gonna be okay. While Granny was in the other room getting the address I called Travis and told him I was spending the night with her so he wouldn't worry. He told me he loved me and I hung up. There was no tea, and there was no Granny in the room but I felt all warm inside.