Kitty's Bath &
Pill Time &
Kitty's Rules
& Advice
Kitty's Bath
Those of you who have actually had this experience will laugh
the hardest, those of who haven't and have never bathed a cat, heed the
words well.......................
CAT BATHING AS A MARTIAL ART
Some people say cats never have to be bathed. They say cats lick
themselves clean. They say cats have a special enzyme of some
sort in their saliva that works like new, improved Wisk -
dislodging the dirt where it hides and whisking it away.
I've spent most of my life believing this folklore. Like most
blind believers, I've been able to discount all the facts to the
contrary, the kitty odors that lurk in the corners of the garage
and dirt smudges that cling to the throw rug by the fireplace.
The time comes, however, when a man must face reality: when he
must look squarely in the face of massive public sentiment to the
contrary and announce: "This cat smells like a port-a-potty on a
hot day in Juarez."
When that day arrives at your house, as it has in mine, I have
some advice you might consider as you place your feline friend
under your arm and head for the bathtub:
-- Know that although the cat has the advantage of quickness and
lack of concern for human life, you have the advantage of
strength. Capitalize on that advantage by selecting the
battlefield. Don't try to bathe him in an open area where he can
force you to chase him. Pick a very small bathroom. If your
bathroom is more than four feet square, I recommend that you get
in the tub with the cat and close the sliding-glass doors as if
you were about to take a shower. (A simple shower curtain will
not do. A berserk cat can shred a three-ply rubber shower
curtain quicker than a politician can shift positions.)
-- Know that a cat has claws and will not hesitate to remove all
the skin from your body. Your advantage here is that you are
smart and know how to dress to protect yourself. I recommend
canvas overalls tucked into high-top construction boots, a pair
of steel-mesh gloves, an army helmet, a hockey face mask, and a
long-sleeved flak jacket.
-- Prepare everything in advance. There is no time to go out
for a towel when you have a cat digging a hole in your flak
jacket. Draw the water. Make sure the bottle of kitty shampoo is
inside the glass enclosure. Make sure the towel can be reached,
even if you are lying on your back in the water.
-- Use the element of surprise. Pick up your cat nonchalantly,
as if to simply carry him to his supper dish. (Cats will not
usually notice your strange attire. They have little or no
interest in fashion as a rule. If he does notice your garb,
calmly explain that you are taking part in a product testing
experiment for J.C. Penney.)
-- Once you are inside the bathroom, speed is essential to
survival. In a single liquid motion, shut the bathroom door,
step into the tub enclosure, slide the glass door shut, dip the
cat in the water and squirt him with shampoo. You have begun one
of the wildest 45 seconds of your life.
Cats have no handles. Add the fact that he now has soapy fur,
and the problem is radically compounded. Do not expect to hold
on to him for more than two or three seconds at a time. When you
have him, however, you must remember to give him another squirt
of shampoo and rub like crazy. He'll then spring free and fall
back into the water, thereby rinsing himself off. (The national
record for cats is three latherings, so don't expect too much.)
-- Next, the cat must be dried. Novice cat bathers always
assume this part will be the most difficult, for humans generally
are worn out at this point and the cat is just getting really
determined. In fact, the drying is simple compared to what you
have just been through. That's because by now the cat is
semipermanently affixed to your right leg. You simply pop the
drain plug with you foot, reach for your towel and wait.
(Occasionally, however, the cat will end up clinging to the top
of your army helmet. If this happens, the best thing you can do
is to shake him loose and to encourage him toward your leg.)
After all the water is drained from the tub, it is a simple
matter to just reach down and dry the cat.
In a few days the cat will relax enough to be removed from your
leg. He will usually have nothing to say for about three weeks
and will spend a lot of time sitting with his back to you. He
might even become psychoceramic and develop the fixed stare of a
plaster figurine.
You will be tempted to assume he is angry. This isn't usually
the case. As a rule he is simply plotting ways to get through
your defenses and injure you for life the next time you decide to
give him a bath.
But at least now he smells a lot better.
-Author Unknown-
Kitty's Pill Time
HOW TO GIVE YOUR CAT A PILL
1. Grasp cat firmly in your arms. Cradle its head on your elbow,
just as if you were giving a baby a bottle. Coo confidently,
"That's a nice kitty". "Drop pill into its mouth".
2. Retrieve cat from top of lamp and pill from under sofa.
3. Follow same procedure as in #1, but hold cat's front paws
down with left hand and back paws down with elbow of right arm.
Poke pill into its mouth with right forefinger.
4. Retrieve cat from under bed. Get new pill from bottle. (Resist
impulse to get new cat.)
5. Again proceed as in #1, except when you have cat firmly cradled
in bottle-feeding position, sit down on edge of chair, fold your
torso over cat, bring your right hand over your left elbow, open
cat's mouth by lifting the upper jaw and pop the pill in quickly.
Since your head is down by your knees, you won't be able to see
what you're doing. That's just as well.
6. Leave cat hanging on drapes. Leave pill in your hair.
7. If you're a woman, have a good cry. If you're a man, have a good cry.
8. Now pull yourself together. Who's the boss here anyway? Retrieve
cat and pill. Assuming position #1, say sternly, "Who's the boss here,
anyway?" Open cat's mouth, take pill and...Oooops!
9. This isn't working, is it? Collapse and think. Aha! Those flashing
claws are causing the chaos.
10. Crawl to linen closet. Drag back large beach towel. Spread towel
on floor.
11. Retrieve cat from kitchen counter and pill from potted plant.
12. Spread cat on towel near one end with its head over long edge.
13. Flatten cat's front and back legs over its stomach. (Resist
impulse to flatten cat.)
14. Roll cat in towel. Work fast; time and tabbies wait for
no man or woman.
15. Resume position #1. Rotate your left hand to cat's head. Press its
mouth at the jaw hinges like opening the petals of a snapdragon.
16. Drop pill into cat's mouth and poke gently. Voila! It's done.
17. Vacuum up loose fur (cat's). Apply bandages to wounds (yours).
18. Take two aspirins and lie down.
-Author Unknown-
Kitty's Unbending Rules
Having control over myself
is nearly as good as having
control over others!
1. Stray cats will not be fed.
2. Stray cats will not be fed anything except dry cat food.
3. Stray cats will not be fed anything except dry cat food
moistened with a little milk.
4. Stray cats will not be fed anything except dry cat food
moistened with warm milk, yummy treats and leftover fish
scraps.
5. Stray cats will not be encouraged to make this house their
permanent residence.
6. Stray cats will not be petted, played with or picked up
and cuddled unnecessarily.
7. Stray cats that are petted, played with, picked up and
cuddled will absolutely not be given a name.
8. Stray cats with or without a name will not be allowed
inside the house at any time.
9. Stray cats will not be allowed inside the house except
at certain times.
10. Stray cats will not be allowed inside the house except
on days ending in "y".
11. Stray cats allowed inside will not be permitted to jump
up on or sharpen their claws on the furniture.
12. Stray cats will not be permitted to jump up on, or sharpen
claws on the really good furniture.
13. Stray cats will be permitted on all furniture but must
sharpen claws on new $114.99 sisal-rope cat-scratching
post with three perches.
14. Stray cats will answer the call of nature outdoors in
the sand.
15. Stray cats will answer the call of nature in the
three-piece, high-impact plastic tray filled with
Fresh'n'Sweet kitty litter.
16. Stray cats will answer the call of nature in the
hooded litter pan with a three-panel privacy screen and
plenty of head room.
17. Stray cats will sleep outside.
18. Stray cats will sleep in the garage.
19. Stray cats will sleep in the house.
20. Stray cats will sleep in a cardboard box lined with
an old blanket.
21. Stray cats will sleep in the special Kitty-Komfort-Bed
with non-allergenic lambs wool pillow.
22. Stray cats will not be allowed to sleep in our bed.
23. Stray cats will not be allowed to sleep in our bed,
except at the foot.
24. Stray cats will not be allowed to sleep in our bed
under the covers.
25. Stray cats will not be allowed to sleep in our bed
under the covers except at the foot.
26. Stray cats will not play on the desk.
27. Stray cats will not play on the desk near the computer.
28. Stray cats are forbidden to walk on Dogbyte's
computer keyboard when he is relieving himself
at alt.binaries.asdfjjhpmn9ugq[98e67b`c130cuibh]08h
---TrashLaughs---
University of Hard Knocks
dogbyte@netzone.com
IT'S FREE!!!
To be added to the list, go to:
http://www.min.net/~dogbyte
Kitty's Advice
Advice for Cats in Running Households.
______________________________________
1. DOORS.
* Do not allow closed doors in any room.
* To have a door opened, stand on hind legs and hammer door with
forepaws.
* Leaving claw marks in doors is a good deterrent to this
undesirable human habit. More effective on lightly-colored or painted
doors; less effective on dark wooden doors.
* Note: Once a door is opened, it is not necessary to use it.
* After you have ordered an "outside" door opened, now is an
excellent time to stand halfway in and out and think about several
things. Or perhaps even nothing at all.
* Door opening is particularly important during very cold weather,
rain, snow, or mosquito season.
* Avoid swinging doors at all costs.
2. CHAIRS AND RUGS.
* If you have to throw up, get onto a chair quickly.
* If you cannot get onto a chair in time, get to an Oriental rug.
* If there is no Oriental rug, shag is good.
* When throwing up on the carpet, make sure you back up so that it
is as long as the human's bare foot.
3. BATHROOMS.
* Always accompany guests to the bathroom.
* It is not necessary to do anything-just sit and stare.
4. HAMPERING.
* If one of your humans is engaged in some close activity and the
other is idle, stay with the busy one. This is called "helping",
otherwise known as "hampering."
* When supervising cooking, sit just behind the left heel of the
cook. You cannot be seen and thereby stand a better chance of being
stepped on and then picked up and comforted.
* For book readers, get in close under the chin, between eyes and
book, unless you can lie across the book itself.
* For knitting projects or paperwork, lie on the work in the most
appropriate manner so as to obscure as much of the work or at least the
most important part.
* Also another fun thing to do is start to play with the yarn and try
running away with it so as to entangle everything in site and or in the way.
* Pretend to doze, but every so often reach out and slap the
pencil or knitting needles. The worker may try to distract you; ignore
it.
* For people paying bills (monthly activity) or working on income
taxes or Christmas cards (annual activity), keep in mind the following:
* First, sit on the paper being worked on.
* When dislodged, watch sadly from the side of the table.
* When activity proceeds nicely, roll around on the papers,
scattering them to the best of your ability.
* After being removed for the second time, push pens, pencils, and
erasers off the table, one at a time.
* When a human is holding the newspaper in front of him/her, be
sure to jump on the back of the paper. There's nothing to land on per
se, but the reaction from this action is equivelant to the feeling
they've just "Shot-gunned" 10 cups of coffee. Well worth your effort.
5. WALKING.
* To help keep your humans in tip-top shape, it is important to
exercise their coordination skills at random intervals. Some techniques
you may find useful:
* Dart quickly and as close as possible in front of the human,
especially on stairs (i.e., when they have something in their arms), in
the dark, and when they first get up in the morning.
6. PLAY.
* Get enough sleep in the daytime so you are fresh for your
nocturnal games. Note: If you should have an "accident" during play,
such as falling off a chair, immediately wash a part of your body to
inform any human observer that you really INTENDED to fall off the
chair. Failure to do this will result in humans with smug behavior - a
serious detriment in proper human training.
* "Cat" Games.
* "Catch Mouse"
The humans would have you believe that
those lumps under the covers are their feet and hands. They are lying.
They are actually Bed Mice, rumored to be the most delicious of all the
mice in the world, though no cat has ever been able to catch one. Rumor
also has it that only the most ferocious attack can stun them long
enough for you to dive under the covers to get them.
* "King of the Hill"
This game must be played with at least one other
cat. One or both of the sleeping humans is Hill 303 which must be
defended at all costs from the other cat(s). Anything goes.
This game allows for the development of unusual
tactics as one must take the unstable playing theater into account.
WARNING:
Playing either of these games to excess will
result in expulsion from the bed and possibly from the bedroom. Should
the humans grow restless, immediately begin purring and cuddle up to
them. This should buy you some time until they fall asleep again. If
one happens to be on a human when this occurs, this cat wins the round
of King of the Hill.
7. TOYS.
* Any small item is a potential toy.
* If a human tries to confiscate a toy, this indicates that it is
now a Good Toy. If no Good Toys have yet been identified, it is always
good to designate one or two to get the idea across. Effective starter
Good Toys include Car Keys, House Keys, Diamond Earrings and Credit
Cards. Run with it under the bed. Look suitably outraged when the human
grabs you and takes it away. Always watch where it is put so you can
steal it later.
8. HUMANS.
* Many theories have been put forth as to the reasons for the
existence of humans. Thus far, only three useful functions have been
identified:
* To feed us.
* To play with us.
* To clean the litter box.
* Humans rarely know the basic rules. As a human owner, it is your
responsibility to train them properly. They can be taught if you start
early and are consistent. You will then have a smooth-running household.
-Author Unknown-
I would like to add: If you know the Author of any of the poems
or stories where I have put Author Unknown, please send me the name
and I will add it.
Thank You.
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