STAR TREK

With

Rosencrantz and Guildenstern

Starring

(in no particular order)

Captain Jean-Lucy Picardo

Commander Info

Milhouse

Mr. Smock

Commander Snottie

Narrator

Deanna Detriot

Rockulan Fleet Commander

Janitor

Extras number 1 through 305

Phaser guy

Patrick, the overworked, underpaid extra

Other People ... as I need them

Narrator: Somewhere in the deeps of the galaxy, Captain Jean-Lucy Picardo and his bald, bad and bold crew...

Picardo: Wait, wait, wait!!!

Narrator: What? Did I say something wrong?

Picardo: We don't have a ship!! It was blown up in the last episode!!

Narrator: Oh...okay. Somewhere in the deeps of the galaxy, Captain Jean-Lucy Picardo and his crew float along.

Picardo: Hold it, hand on. We're not floating through the galaxy anymore.

Narrator: You're not!!!? Could have fooled me. I was going to become Don Quixote's campaign manager.

Picardo: No, we're in Admiral Tupok's office, trying to get another space ship.

Narrator: (quite exasperated) Okay...somewhere in the deeps of Admiral Tupok's office, Captain jean-Lucy Picardo and his crew are locked in a violent struggle with Starfeet Command and Conquer.

Picardo: Thanks.

Narrator: Right, now I'm off to campaign for my close friend, Don Quixote!!! (exits stage right, holding a "Vote for Don Quixote" sign).

(The scene changes to Admiral Tupok Shakur's office. Admiral Tupok is a black (African American, sorry) Vuclan. The only African American Vuclan. All the others come from the planet Vuclan.)

Tupok: I'm sorry, but I just can't give you another ship. They're all booked up.

Picardo: But, sir!!! We'll do anything, anything.

Smock: Superior, it is logical that you give us another ship.

Tupok: What!? Are you sure? Do you know what I think, Mr. Smock?

Smock: No, it would be illogical to assume that I could read you mind, superior.

Tupok: I think that your time with these creatures has warped you mind. That's what I think.

Smock: What!!? That's illogical.

Tupok: You're illogical!!

Smock: Am not!!

Tupok: Are too!!

Smock: Am not!!

Tupok: Are too!!

Snottie: D-two!!

(They both turn to look at Mr. Snottie.)

Smock: I don't get it?

Info: I like C3PO better, anyway.

Snottie: That's because you're a freakin', stupid android.

Picardo: What!? I'm the only one allowed to call Info a freakin', stupid anything.

Snottie: Sorrieee....

Tupok: (Exasperated) That's it!!! I'll give you another ship if you'll only get out of my office!!!!!

(Sometime later...the crew is in a shuttlecraft, Mr. Snot at the controls, flying toward their new ship...)

Picardo: Look out, you nearly hit the "South Dakota" back there.

Snottie: Sorry Keptin, but the hyper-jammer array is shortin' out on us back'a'der.

Picardo: Fix it, then!!!

Snottie: But Keptin, who'll'a fly the ship while I'ma gone?

Picardo: Info, you freakin', stupid android. Take the controls. Now get back there Mr. Snot.

(Mr. Snot grumbles as he climbs back into the hyper-jammer array. Sparks shoot out as he climbs in.)

Deanna: Are you sure that that's safe??

Picardo: That that?? Why do we always use 'that that', anyway??

Info: It's logical that your warped English language would lead you to such a confusing situation.

Picardo: Really? How would you say Deanna's line?

Picardo: Wow!!! What did you say??

Deanna: What about Mr. Snottie?

Snottie: (Electrocuted) Aaaaaaaiiiiiiiieeeeeeeee!!!!!!!!!!

(He comes shooting back out of the hyper-jammers, smoke pouring out of his ears and his hair standing straight up.)

Picardo: Info, we need you back here. Snottie is injured.

Info: Right, how bad is he hurt?

Snottie: NO!! I will not be treated by an android. Where's our doctor??

Picardo: We don't have a doctor.

Snottie: What, how can we not have a doctor!???

Picardo: Well, it's like this. Starfeet was running out of molah when they commission this crew. They couldn't even show the scene where our security redshirts were wiped out in a tragic subway mugging. I understand that they've gotten one of the bit part actors to stand in as all of the extras.

(Disturbance. Voice out of shot): But you do have a doctor!!!!

(Crappy music commences as an old geezer jumps out of nowhere, shoves the Captain aside, throws Info into the hyper-jammer room, and shoves Mr. Smock into a sharp object.)

Moans: It's me!! TA-Da!!!! Moans, out of retirement to save one more life.

Snottie: What!!! It's you Moans!! You gotta save me, laddie.

Moans: Laddie. I'm hardly a laddie, you know.

Picardo: Who is this quack?

Moans: Listen here. I'm Moans, the greatest doctor that ever existed.

Picardo: Weren't you put away in the insane asylum two years ago?

Moans: Shut up.

Snottie: It's great ta see ya laddie, but I think that I'll make it.

Moans: (Throws Mr. Snot back to the floor) No!!! Don't you see what you've done? Now I'll have to do surgery.

Picardo: Surgery!! Not on my chief engineer. Well, wait, what about liposuction?

Snottie: I'm not fat!!!

Picardo: Have you seen your last weigh-in?

Snottie: Shut up.

Picardo: You know, they had to air-lift you onto a livestock scale!

Snottie: Shut up!

Moans: No, not liposuction. He needs brain surgery. Do we have a donor?

Picardo: Brain surgery!! Mr. Smock, tell him that that's illogical!!

Deanna: There you go with that 'that that' again!

Moans: (Becoming much more gentlemanly) Ah!! A lady, I didn't see you before. Hows about we leave this two-bit shuttlecraft and find a good bar.

Deanna: (Angrily) What!!? You, you, love deprived, festering, smelly, old geezer!!!! I wouldn't date you even if my only other choice was Mr. Info!!!!

Moans: Oh well, back to the surgery. Deanna, you can be the donor.

Smock: (With trouble as he has a gaping wound in his chest) T-that's illogical, doctor.

Moans: Why, it's you!! I haven't seen you in years you green-blooded, arrogant, Vuclan. Wait a sec. Your blood isn't green.

Smock: (Looks down and notices that regular red blood is running from his gaping wound. He blushes.) Uh-oh. Heh-heh. Hang on a moment. (Mr. Smock turns around and takes a vial of green food coloring out of his pocket. When he turns around again, his blood is green.)

Smock: There we go. Moans, I must warn you that this man is in no need of a brain surgery.

Moans: There you go again. I suppose that you're going to explain the logic behind this?

(Mr. Snot tries to get up and Moans throws him back onto the floor.)

Moans: I don't have time. Look at this man. He keeps trying to get up and doesn't have the brain power to do it. I must get a donor. Mr. Smock, it's either you or the babe over there. (Points to Deanna.)

Deanna: That's it you...you male chauvinist pig. You've insulted me for the last time. Now I'm gonna use my Betadork powers on you.

(Deanna sticks her index finders in her ears and wiggles them. Moans gets up and opens the door to the shuttlecraft.)

Moans: (Gasping for breath and struggling against the power of the Betadork mind hold.) Are you sure that you won't reconsider my offer?

(With a last gasp, Moans goes flying out the door. It closes.)

Snottie: (Getting up.) Lassie, ya saved my file. If'n I can ever do anything to help ya lassie, just give me a call.

Picardo: I'm glad to see that you're alright Snottie. How about you, Mr. Smock, are you okay?

Smock: (Clutching at gaping hole in chest.) It'll be...urk...okay. I can...ohh...stand the...arrgghh...pain. Sir...oww...permission to...akkkk...get some...huff....A-A-A-A...ouch...Aspirin.

Picardo: Permission granted.

(Mr. Smock staggers off stage. Muffled scream. Sparks fly from the hyper-jammer room.)

Picardo: Where were we going, anyway?

Snottie: To our new ship, remember.

Picardo: Yes, that's right. I get this funny feeling that I'm forgetting something.

Snottie: My goodness, the door to the hyper-jammer room is wide open. I'll close it.

(As Mr. Snot closes the door, the laugh track comes on.)

Picardo: (Startled) What was that?

(Someone knocks on the door of the hyper-jammer room, from inside)

Picardo: (annoyed) What was that?

Deanna: That's 'that'.

Picardo: Shut up you, with that stupid line.

(Knocking sound again.)

Snottie: It sounds like it's coming from inside. Let me open it up.

Picardo: No, too risky. We'll let Info or Mr. Smock run some tests on it. Info, run some tests.

(Laugh track as they realize that Info isn't in the room.)

Picardo: Someone get Mr. Smock back.

(They all look around.)

Picardo: Bring on the Extra!!!

Other Voice (offstage): Bring on the Extra!!!!

Different Voice (even further offstage): Bring on the Extra!!!!

Another Voice (heard as a distant echo): Bring on the Extra!!!!

(Drums start up.)

Yet another Voice (almost not heard over the drums) Bring on the Extra!!!!

(Drums flare up, increasing in volume. Base drum starts playing so that that plates fall from the overhead in the shuttlecraft. Timpani plays so loud that the door to the hyper-jammer room falls open. Info, char-black, with smoke rising from his body, falls out. Mike enters, drums quit)

Mike: Mike, Extra number 1, reporting for duty.

Picardo: (Ears ringing) What? I can't hear a thing. What did he say, Snottie?

Snottie: (Ears ringing) Look sir, it's Info. He was stuck in the hyper-jammer room.

Picardo: (Ears continue to ring until I say that they've recovered hearing.) He's ordering Little Caesar's Pizza? No, tell him that I want Mr. Smock back in this room.

Snottie: (Ears thing with him too.) You're right! It looks like all of Info's circuits are fried.

Picardo: Kentucky Fried Chicken!!?? What is he talking about, Extra number 1?

Mike: Sirs, this is crazy!

Snottie: You're dizzy!!? Maybe we should get that Moans guy back here?

Picardo: Bones!? Whose bones?? Where's Mr. Smock? We need to get an investigation started.

Snottie: Tupok?? Who needs him?? We need Mr. Smock!!

Both (to Extra number 1): GET MR. SMOCK IN HERE NOW!!!!

Mike: Okay, all you had to do was tell e that in the first place.

(Mike exists and a moment later returns with Mr. Smock, who is all patched up.)

Smock: What seems to be the problem, sir?

Picardo: Something about bones. Snottie said something about bones.

Snottie: The Keptin's dizzy, sir. We need to treat him.

Smock (to Mike): how long have they been this way?

Picardo: That's what I think; it's a regular mystery.

Snottie: It's misty?? But we're in a shuttlecraft. It can't be misty!!

Mike: They were like this when I entered.

Picardo (noticing Info): Where'd he comes from?

Snottie: Pee comes from the bladder, sir! Why'd you want to know that?

Picardo: I know that Pi is approximately 3.14, but what about Mr. Info?

Snottie; No, it doesn't look like snow. We're still in a shuttlecraft.

Smock: I see the problem.

Picardo: Yes, E does equal MC squared, but what about Info?

Snottie: MC Hammer, now he's worse than that Tupok character.

Picardo: Chicken Pox!!? Where!!? I never got it when I was young.

Smock: Mike, from now on, no more loud intros.

Snottie: No more long internet? Keptin, I think that Mr. Smock is insane!!

Picardo: More smoke in Spain!!! What!!?? Mr. Smock, I think that something's wrong with Snottie!!

Snottie: Something's wrong with the potty? I'll get to work fixing it right now.

Picardo: You're going to work on a garbage scow!!?? What about your career?

Snottie: Nothing's wrong with my rear. How about your head?

Picardo: I'm dead!!! Okay, notify my family.

Snottie: Club Med!! Something's wrong at Club Med?

(At his point, Info sits up and makes a loud, high pitched noise. The Captain and Snottie regain their ability to hear.)

Picardo (shouting): I still can't hear you!!! Something's wrong with our ear...(noticing that he can hear)...wait, never mind.

Snottie: I'ma glad that's over. Thanks, laddie. Ifn there'sa ever anything I canna do for ya.

Info: No problem. I just emitted a high pitched noise that would clear your...

Picardo: We know you freakin', stupid...

(At this point everyone notices that the shuttlecraft background has faded away. It is now misty.)

Deanna: I don't think that we're in Kansas anymore.

Smock: We were never in Kansas in the first place.

Info: I'll just turn on my infrared vision and see what's causing this.

Picardo: So, what do you see?

Info: No shuttlecraft, but three men are approaching.

(As Mr. Info said, three approach. Two are well dressed Elizabethans. They are Rosencrantz and Guildenstern. The other is a Starfeet officer who is recognizable as Milton Milhouse, Captain Jean-Lucy Picardo's executive officer. The Elizabethans have a money bag. It is nearly full. Milhouse has another money bag. It is nearly empty. They are playing a game with coins. Milhouse flips a coin and Rosencrantz calls it "heads." It has been "heads" for the last eighty-seven times.)

(Rosencrantz, hereafter referred to as "Ros", is a little embarrassed to be winning so much money off Milhouse -- let that be his character note.)

(Guildenstern, hereafter referred to as "Guil", has noted the unusuality of the situation, but has resolved not to panic -- let that be his character note.)

(Milhouse flips a coin into the air.)

Ros: Heads. (It is.)

(Milhouse flips a coin into the air.)

Ros: Heads. (It is.)

(Milhouse flips a coin into the air, catches it, flips it over in his hand, flips it under his leg, catches it, and flips it onto his head.)

Ros: Heads.

(Ros walks over to Milhouse to look at the coin. It is heads. He takes it from Milhouse's head.)

Guil: There must be some reason for it all.

(Milhouse flips a coin into the air.)

Ros: Heads. (It is.)

Guil: There is something going on here, besides the redistribution of funds. What could it mean?

Milhouse: Don't worry. It'll come up tails one of these times. (He flips a coin into the air.)

Ros: Heads. (It is.) So, what do we assume here?

Guil: We can assume that he has flipped a coin ninety-two times and ninety-two times it ahs come up heads.

Milhouse: The laws of probability are in my favor. (He flips a coin.)

Ros: Heads. (It is.)

Guil: There are many reasons that this might be. First, that this is some form of punishment to you, Milhouse, such as the Lord did to Lot. Second, you yourself might have willed it this way. Third, time has stopped and one coin has come up heads ninety-three times. Or, fourth, we have witnessed an incredible display by which each coin has come up heads on its own.

Milhouse: What?

Ros: Conceivable.

Guil: Syllogism the first, probability is a natural phenomenon. Syllogism the second, probability has disappeared. Therefore, we are now subject to sub, un, or super natural forces.

(They are now clearly visible to everyone else. They don't notice that they've been seen.)

Ros: What's the last thing that you remember?

Guil: Meeting this lively chap on the road to...wherever we were going.

Milhouse: Where are we going?

Ros: We were called.

Milhouse: For what?

Guil: By a messenger from the king.

Milhouse: What king?

Ros: Why?

Guil: Who?

Ros: What?

Guil: When?

Picardo: Milhouse!! Where have you been?

(Milhouse looks at Picardo. There is recognition in his eyes. Ros and Guil look around and suddenly notice everyone.)

Milhouse: Captain!! I was afraid I quite lost you on the way to Admiral Tupok's office.

Info: Who are these people?

Ros: Who're you?

Info: I'm Mr. Info, commander...

Ros: Statement!! One-love.

Info: What is this?

Ros: Whose serve?

Info: What is this?

Ros: Foul!! No repetitions. Two-love.

Info: I don't understand.

Ros: Understand what?

Info: This game.

Ros: Statement!! Match to me. One-love.

Info: Huh?

Ros: Foul!! No grunts. Two-love.

Info: Wait a moment.

Ros: Why?

Info: My logic capacitators can't take this.

Ros: Statement!!! Match point to me.

Info: What is this?

Ros: What is what?

Info: STOP ANSWERING ME WITH QUESTIONS!!!!

Ros: Statement!! Point, game, and match. You need some more practice at questions.

Guil: A quick round!

Picardo: Milhouse, who are these people?

Milhouse: This is Guildenstern (indicating Rosencrantz) and this is Rosencrantz (indicating Guildenstern).

Guil: No, I'm Guildenstern...I think.

Milhouse: Ooopps! I guess that you're right! This is Guildenstern and that is Rosencrantz.

(Jean-Lucy Picardo sticks out his hand while Ros and Guil are bowing. Ros hits his head on Picardo's hand.)

Ros: Ouch!!

Snottie: What were we doing?

Smock: Logic dictates that we were...uh...uh...I forget!

Picardo: Mr. Info, tell us what we were doing.

Info: Something's not right. I don't remember.

Picardo: How can you forget?

Ros: He didn't forget. He merely traded one set of questions for another.

Picardo: He's an android you idiot!!! He's not able to forget!

Guil: Maybe it's because were subject to supernatural forces.

Picardo: I don't believe in such nonsense. They're all fairy tales.

(A unicorn bounds by.)

Milhouse: What was that?

Guil: It was a deer with an arrow stuck in its head.

Picardo: What?

Ros: Why?

Picardo: Not now!! I don't have time for silly games!!!

Guil: What were we doing?

Smock: We were trying to figure out where we are.

Deanna: Guys, you oughtta come over here and look at this. (Deanna has found a strange metallic door stuck in one of the trees.)

Picardo: Not now, we've got to find out what we were doing.

Snottie: These uniforms oughtta tell us something, laddie.

Smock: Logic states that we are in some sort of hierarchical order.

All: What?

Smock: Never mind.

Milhouse: That doesn't explain Rosencrantz and Guildenstern.

Picardo: No it doesn't. Say, when did you two appear? It seems like I've known you for all thirty...no wait...am I thirty? Never mind. It seems like I've known you for all my life.

Ros: Each exit's an entrance somewhere else.

Deanna: Guys, I've found something over here!

Picardo: Shut up. Can't you see that we're in the middle of an important discussion.

Smock: Mr. Rosencrantz, your statement is illogical. By the mere virtue of being an exit, it cannot also be an entrance. That's why movie theaters have both an entrance and an exit.

Guil: What's a movie theater?

Ros: What's a movie?

Smock: Never mind.

Milhouse: Well, at least we all know each other.

Picardo: Who are you?

Smock: Who are you?

Snottie: Who are you?

Info: Who am I?

Picardo: No, no, no...you're suppose to say, "Who are you?"

Info: Why?

Picardo: I don't know why? Don't ask, "Why?"

Deanna: Guys, this might answer your questions.

aLL: shut up already!!

Deanna: Fine, I just won't tell you anything then. (She storms off to throw a hissy-fit.)

Picardo: She can be so annoying sometimes.

Guil: Or she can be not so annoying other times.

Picardo: What?

Ros: Or, part of the time she can be partly annoying.

Picardo: Stop it, stop it, right now!!

Smock: Okay. Logic obviously dictates that you are commander.

Picardo: Why? Is it my impressive command skills? The way that I silence the masses?

Smock: No, it's your ego and whiny attitude.

Picardo: What?? That's it, my first order is to have you executed!!!!!

Smock: You can't execute me.

Picardo: Why not?

Smock: Mostly because you don't have a weapon.

Milhouse: I could sit on him and fart.

Picardo: No thank you. That would kill us all.

Ros: It's good to see that we haven't lost control.

Guil: Indeed.

Snottie: Look at that!

(He indicates the door Deanna had noticed earlier. They walk over to it.)

Milhouse: Okay commander, tell us what this is.

Picardo: (To Info.) Okay, since you're the one with all the info, you tell me what this gruesome thing is.

Info: I believe that this is an exit.

Ros: Or an entrance somewhere else.

Guil: Maybe that's an exit from somewhere else and what we're looking at is the entrance.

Smock: That's illogical!!

Picardo: All right!! This exit, or entrance, or whatever it is...how do we open it?

(They all look at Snottie.)

Snottie: All right laddies, I'll try to open it.

(He walks over, examines the door, and tries to push it open. He retreats, studies, then advances and pushes again. He repeats this cycle many times over the next fifteen minutes.)

Snottie: I just canna do it laddie, there just isananuff power to do it.

(Deanna walks over, looks at the door, and pulls it open. She walks through and the door swings shut behind here.)

Picardo: What??

Milhouse: How?

Ros: How what?

Guil: Foul!! No combinations from the last two players. One-love-love-love!

Picardo: I don't have time for games. We've got to figure out what she did to open the door. Mr. Info, did you record what she did?

Info: Yes, in all colors of the spectrum at all frequencies, wavelengths, and bandwidths, also in all...

Picardo: Shut up, you stupid, freakin' android. I don't have time for all this. We've got to get this uh...uh...this thing...

Smock: Exit.

Ros: Entrance.

Guil: Exit and entrance.

Picardo: Whatever, we've got to get it open. Mr. Info, run your recorder back and do exactly what she did.

Info: Right!

(Info immediately walks over to the door, pulls it open, walks through, and lets it close behind him.)

Picardo: Wait!!

Milhouse: Did you figure anything out?

Ros: Out of what?

Snottie: It must require immense strength to open.

Picardo: That doesn't explain Deanna.

Guil: Maybe God's watching us and has willed that we can't ever leave.

Picardo: We gave up religion two centuries ago.

Smock: Religion - illogical.

Guil: That's sad.

Ros: What's sad?

Picardo: Shut up!! Mr. Smock, since you are a Vuclan, you can do the Vuclan stomach meld with me and we can recall the memory.

Ros: We were called for also.

Guil: By the king.

Ros: Yes, by the king.

Guil: Stop repeating me.

Picardo: Enough!! Start with the stomach meld.

Smock: Okay, now I need to know what you had for lunch.

Picardo: I...I...forget.

Smock: How can you logically expect me to do a stomach meld if I do not know what's in your stomach?

(Deanna opens the door and sticks her head out.)

Deanna: Do I have to hold the door open for you? Get in here!

(They all troop in through he door, which immediately disappears. Two rabbits come up to the spot where the door was.)

Rabbit 1: Where'd that exit go?

Rabbit 2: It was an entrance!!

Rabbit 1: Okay, where did it go?

Rabbit 2: Wait a sec, how come we can talk?

Rabbit 1: Uh-oh!! We'd better leave before they figure us out!!

(The tow rabbits bound off, headed for the US Nuclear weapons storage site. That's at www.nukem.com, for all you Red Chinese spies out there.)

(Back in the shuttlecraft.)

Ros: That was some entrance.

Smock: It was an exit!

Guil: It was both.

(There's a horrible tearing sound and someone outside screams.)

Picardo: Okay, what in the heck was that.

Milhouse: Come over to the window.

(Jean-Lucy walks over to the window and looks out. The shuttlecraft is passing through the starship "New York.")

Picardo: Omigod!!! Who's driving this thing?

Info: No one.

Picardo: Didn't I tell you to drive this?

Info: Yes, but after that you told me to help save Snottie.

Picardo: (To Snottie) This is all your fault!!

Snottie: (Looks around for someone to blame.) No, it wasna my fault, Keptin! It was ummmmm....the little green men who messed up the hyper-jammer room.

(Jean-Lucy's beeper starts to buzz.)

Picardo: What is that annoying buzzing at my leg?

Ros: It's alive, dear God, it's alive!!

Picardo: What!! No!!! Crew, shoot it.

(Mr. Smock, Info, Milhouse, Deanna, and Snottie all put out phasers and shoot at Jean-Lucy's leg. All of the phasers malfunction.)

Snottie: Stupid Japanese phasers.

Smock: It was logical that we should upgrade to Phasers 2000.

Info: What are the odds of this kind of thing happening?

Milhouse: Good thing this didn't happen when the Rockulans were around or we'd be in trouble.

(A phaser blast hits the shuttlecraft. Sparks fly out of the hyper-jammer room.)

Snottie: Dern!! And we just got that thing working again.

Ros: It seems we've traded one reality for another.

Guil: I don't like this. Can we go home?

Picardo: Will you two shut up. We need to figure out what's going on here.

Milhouse: Maybe Starfeet is shooting at us.

Picardo: They wouldn't do something like that!! It's inhuman...horrible...crazy.....you really think that they might?

Info: It appears to be a Rockulan Bird of Pray disrobing!

Picardo: Oh no!! Say, why do they call it a "Bird of Pray" anyway?

Smock: Because that's all you can do when they get you in their sights.

Collin; Dear Lord, please save us from the evil, nasty, not so good...

Ros: I thought that you guys didn't have religion?

Guil: That's sad.

Picardo: Security, lock those two in the brig!!

Info: We don't have security.

Picardo: What?

Info: All the red shirts died in the first act!

Picardo: What happened to Mr. Wart!!!?

(More phaser fire smashes the ship. The camera person rocks the camera violently.)

Picardo: Say, do you think that that audience actually believes that we're all rolling around when that stupid thing does that?

All: Nah!

Deanna: Five that's in one sentence. That Captain is on a roll.

(Twelve Rockulans beam down into the shuttlecraft. Mike (hastily made up as a Rockulan Fleet Commander) is among them.)

All: Oh no! Eleven Rockulans and a really ugly guy! What'll we do?

Mike: Ha, ha!! You will all surrender to me.

Patrick: (Rushing into the scene) Wait, wait, wait. When do I get a line?

Picardo: Right now...that's it...be sure to pick up your paycheck on your way out.

Patrick: Hey, these two idiots (indicating Rosencrantz and Guildenstern) get more lines than me and no one in our target demographic will ever catch he true meaning of any of their jokes!!!

Ros: You just need to find meaning in your life. Trade one set of questions for another.

Patrick: NO!!! I will not be sucked into an existentialistic discussion with a ninny like you.

Mike: Hey, can you two take your argument somewhere else? I've got a bunch of Starfeet crewmen....

Deanna: Sexist pig!! Oink!!! Oink!!! Oink!!!

Mike: Sorry...crewpeople, to incinerate.

Patrick: Come on fool. You heard him. Let's take this outside.

Ros: (Walks over to the shuttlecraft door and opens it.) Sure, after you.

Patrick: Thanks.

(He walks over to the door, steps out, and immediately flies away from the shuttlecraft. Rosencrantz closes the door.)

Guil: Rosencrantz, what have you done!!!!

Ros: I was angry. I had to do that.

Guil: NO!!!! You made an independent decision. Don't you know the ramifications??

(Rosencrantz and Guildenstern begin to melt.)

Guil: If you ever make an independent decision, it violates our very existence. We've been separated from the course of events that was supposed to happen!!!!

Ros: Unless it was supposed to happen this way.

(Guildenstern's legs have completely melted.)

Guil: We're melting, melting...(he starts to sob uncontrollably)...Dear God!!! Oh poor, poor us. Cruel world!! (He breaks down completely.)

Ros: No, don't you see. I had to make that choice. We must accept this end. We are existential heroes. It is our duty to accept whatever happ...(his mouth melts away).

Guil: We'll know better next time. Now you see us. Now you...(his mouth melts away, too.)

(Their bodies melt into a puddle on the shuttlecraft floor.)

Mike: Yuck, what a mess. Don't you guys ever clean up around here?

Picardo: Actually, we do. (To computer.) Computer - clean up the garbage around here.

(Water washes over the Rockulans and the crew. They get drenched.)

Picardo: What!! Snottie, what went wrong?

Snottie: The main computer's pun matrix is shorting out. It doesn't understand the difference between cleaning up and "cleaning up".

Picardo: No way!! (To computer) Computer - clean up the garbage around here.

(Water washes over the Rockulans and six of them disappear.)

Picardo: Don't tell me...

Snottie: ...the targeting scanners are off line, as well.

Picardo: I told you not to tell me that.

Mike: Can you stop bickering so that I can kill you?

Picardo: Oh...sorry.

Mike: A very clever move, James T. Kirk.

Picardo: My name isn't James T. Kirk!!!! It's Jean-Lucy...wait, why do I get a sucky name like this anyway?

Mike: I don't know. However, a very clever move, Jean-Lucy, cleaning up half my force with a single blow. But we still have you outnumbered.

Picardo: You do? Oh wait, that's right. Deanna's a female, she can't fight.

Deanna: (Enraged) That's it. You're ALL gonna die now!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Mike: Someone shoot her before she annoys me to death.

(All turn to shoot Deanna; however, the Starfeet phasers are still jammed.)

Mike: Hey, your phasers are jammed.

Picardo: (Blushing) Yipe!!! So they are...heh...heh...heh.

Info: What are the odds of that happening twice in the same show?

Smock: We shouldn't have upgraded. Nothing wrong with Phasers 98.

Milhouse: Good thing that this didn't happen when the Rockulans were around...whoops!

Mike: Now you will die.

Picardo: We can still fight hand-to-hand. Charge!!!

(Jean-Lucy rushes up to Mike, the Rockulan fleet commander.)

Picardo: How do you like my Woo-tang fighting style?

Mike: I would like to see your Woo-tang fighting style.

Picardo: Good, let's begin.

(Gansta rap music starts. Jean-Lucy waits until the song really get going and then assumes a stylized, martial arts position, one hand extended threatening toward Mike. Mike grabs Picardo's little finger. Jean-Lucy is nonplussed and extends his other hand threateningly. Mike grabs the other little finger.)

Mike: Is that sucky attack what you call Woo-tang?

Picardo: I have just begun to fight! (He head-butts Mike. Unfortunately, since Mike's forehead has ridges on it. Jean-Lucy only manages to make his own head bleed. Mike lets go and throws Jean-Lucy back.)

Picardo: (Unsteadily) Had enough, eh? Mr. Smock, get him with the Vuclan Hair Pull!

Smock: (To Mike) I must inform you that the Vuclan Hair Pull has ripped a Rockulan's head off.

Mike: (Yawns) Bring it on! Bring it on!

(Mr. Smock walks over to Mike who put on a shower cap with the Nike logo all over it.)

Mike: Deface this and face that wrath of an army of torte lawyers.

Smock: This will be more difficult than I imagined.

Mike: Your stupid little Hair Pull will do nothing as long as I have a contract with Nike. Ha-ha-ha.

Picardo: Mr. Info, you can't feel any pain. Attack!

Info: Right!

(Info moves toward Mike who pulls out a screwdriver.)

Mike: Do you know what this is?

Info: No, no. It can't be...

Mike: Torex T-10, the exact kind of screwdriver that will unscrew the screws holding you together.

(Mike takes off Info's arm.)

Info: No. no!!! Mercy! Please!!!

(Mike removes Info's tongue.)

Mike: What's the matter? Cat's got your tongue?

Picardo: Oh no! Snottie, do something.

(Snottie struggles against his own weight to waddle over to Mike. He leans back and throws a punch. It misses by a mile.)

Mike: I thought that an engineer might have better aim than that.

(Snottie tries again and misses again, nearly toppling over in the attempt.)

Snottie: I canna do it, Keptin. There just isn'tanuff powah.

Mike: Translation: You're too fat!

Snottie: I'm not too fat! That's it...you're going down.

(Snottie rears back to build momentum for his next punch. Mike sneezes and Snottie falls over backwards. He rolls into Info and Mr. Smock and they fetch up in a pile on the floor.)

Mike: Excuse me.

Snottie: (Struggling) B-b-bless you..unghhh. (He collapses.)

Mike: Captain Jean-Lucy, your crew has been defeated. Surrender now and your death will be painless.

Picardo: Milhouse, fart!!!

Milhouse: Aye-aye. I feel a big one coming on now.

Mike: (Without expression) Oh-no.

Milhouse: Ahhhhh....

(He farts. Mike pulls out some kind of gadget. He flips the "ON" switch. The gases of the fart are sucked up into the gadget. Mike flips another switch. A green beam hits Milhouse in the nose. Milhouse gasps and collapses to the ground, clutching his nick.)

Picardo: What did you do?

Mike: The antifart-o-tron. It turned his own fart against him.

Picardo: That's cruel. It's inhuman.

Mike: So what? I'm not human.

Picardo: Oh, right.

Mike: It's all over Jean-Lucy. Your crew is defeated, your shuttlecraft is captured, your existentialist heroes are melted, and your underworked, overpaid extra is floating back toward Earth.

Picardo: Deanna, I'm sorry for all the bad jokes I've ever made. Defeat Mike and I'll never make another bad joke again.

Deanna: You say that every show.

Picardo: (Pleading) NO!!! This time I really am sorry. Do I have to beg?

Mike: Ignore him. Join me and you can go join the Narrator as a political groupie.

Deanna: Political groupie!! All right. See ya later Jean-Lucy.

(She bounds out of the room. A door slams in the background.)

Mike: Got any more tricks up your sleeve?

Picardo: Just one; Bring on Extras 2 through 305!!!!!

Mike: NO!!! You can't make me do this.

Picardo: But I can, ha-ha.

Mike: Oh shoot!

(Mike walks over behind Jean-Lucy.)

Mike (as extra 48): Captain, we're here. What do you want us to do?

Mike (as Fleet Commander) : Rockulans, destroy the intruders ... I mean me!!

Make (as Extra 279): Captain, we'll save you.

(He pulls out his phaser, which promptly jams. A Rockulan lunges at him to shoot.)

Mike (as Fleet commander): No. Don't shoot me!! Shoot him. (Indicating Jean-Lucy.)

(Jean-Lucy ducks behind Extra 64).

Picardo: Bring on the phaser guy.

Mike: I'm the phaser guy too!!!!!

Picardo: That's a direct order.

Mike: Okay.

Mike (as Extra 12): The phaser guy has arrived!

Mike (as Phaser Guy): What seems to be the problem?

Mike (as Fleet Commander): Capture them all.

Picardo: Extras 3 through 71, charge!

Mike (as Extras 3 thru 71): Okay (said 68 times).

Rockulans: Uh, what the hey?

Mike (as Extras 3 through 71): Prepare to defend yourselves!

Mike (as Fleet Commander): You heard me, defend yourselves!

Picardo: Phaser guy. I need you to fix the phasers. They're all jammed.

Mike: I'm a little indisposed right now.

(Mike flings himself at the first Rockulan. The Rockulan, unsure if it the fleet commander or the extras, slips and falls.)

Mike (as Fleet Commander): You idiot. When we get back to Rockulus, I'll have you executed.

Rockulan who fell: Sorry, sir!

Mike (as extras 3 through 71): Ha-ha, we've got you now!

Mike pulls out a knife and slays the Rockulan. Then he rushes back to Jean-Lucy.)

Mike (as phaser guy): Huff...puff...whew! Sorry, that took longer than expected. Let me have a look at that phaser.

(Jean-Lucy hands over the phaser.)

Mike (as Fleet Commander) : Don't just stand there! Attack!!!

Mike (as phaser guy): I see the problem. These phasers are cheap plastic imitations. I've got a real one on me right now.

Mike (as Extras 3 through 71): Quick!! Pass it to me.

Mike (as phaser guy): Right!!! (He passes the phaser to himself.)

Mike (as Extras 3 through 71): Now Rockulans, you die!!

Rockulans: But Commander.

Mike (as Fleet Commander): Don't just stand there, defend yourselves!!!

Rockulans: But we can't attack you, sir!

Mike (as Fleet Commander): It isn't me, you dolts!!

Mike (as Extras 3 through 71): Good bye!!!

(He fires the phaser at each Rockulan until they are all fried.)

Mike (as Fleet Commander): Ha-ha. I'll still kill you Jean-Lucy.

Picardo: Extras, kill the Fleet Commander!!!

Mike (as Extras 3 through 71): Aye-aye, Captain.

Mike (as Fleet Commander): Just try it. I have a phaser too.

Mike (as phaser guy): Wait a moment, if I'm the phaser guy, the extras, and the fleet commander, what'll happen when I...

(Mike (as Extras 3 through 71) shoots himself as Mike (as Fleet Commander) shoots himself.)

Mike (as Fleet Commander): Oohhhhhhh! You got me good, Jean-Lucy! The battle may be yours, but I'll still win the war.

Mike (as Extras 3 through 71): Arrrgghhh, he got us Captain! We're fading fast!

Mike (as phaser guy): See what I said? It just doesn't work when you shoot yourself.

Mike: Why didn't Patrick get some of this work? (He collapses.)

Picardo: Don't worry Extras and Phaser guy, you'll get an honorable burial. As for you Fleet Commander, it's the trash compactor and then the reprocessing cycler.

(Jean-Lucy looks around the shuttle craft in disgust. His crew is a tangled mess on one side, there are five dead Rockulans on the other side, a pool of melted Rosencrantz and Guildenstern in the middle, and sparks coming from the hyper-jammer array.)

Picardo: Didn't I tell someone to fix it?

(No response.)

Picardo: This is all messed up anyway. I quit!!!

(He walks out of the room. Moments later.)

Computer: Warning, hyper-jammer overload in progress. Shuttlecraft will explode in 3 minutes.

(Jean-Lucy rushes back into the room.)

Picardo: What!!!! No!!!! I quit!!!!! The show isn't even running anymore.

Computer: Shuttlecraft will explode in 2 minutes 43 seconds.

Picardo: Quick, everybody up!

(All of the dead characters get back up on their feet as if nothing had happened. Rosencrantz and Guildenstern reform. Patrick flies back into the shuttlecraft door, which opens to admit him into the room.)

Patrick: All right!!! I get some more lines!!

Picardo: You idiot!!! This whole shuttlecraft will blow up in 2 and a half minutes.

Patrick: I don't care. I'm just gonna say lines.

(He blathers away.)

Picardo: Snottie, what's happening!!

Snottie: There's no way ta fix it, laddie. We've gotta end this show.

Picardo: Right. Someone cue the Narrator.

(They wait.)

Picardo: Narrator, you can end the show now!!

Ros: That thing on your leg is still buzzing.

Picardo: What?! No!!! Kill it, someone!!

Info: That's your communicator, sir.

Computer: 90 seconds until shuttlecraft explosion.

Smock: It's logical that you'll find the answer there!

Picardo: No it isn't!!!

Smock: Just answer your freakin' communicator, sir!

Moans: Are you getting emotional, you green-blooded Vuclan?

Smock: I'm not getting emotional you fool. Now you're gonna die!!!!

(Mr. Smock rushes after Moans. They fight in the back.)

Picardo: Oh, all right. Let's see what this says!

(Picardo pushes the button. It's a recording from the Narrator.)

Narrator: Hi!! Just wanted to tell you that this show was taking so long that I ran off to join the Don Quixote campaign group. I'm sorry, but you'll have to end the show yourself, okay? I'm sure that you won't have any problems once you get the hand of it. Thanks, bye!

Computer: 30 seconds until shuttlecraft explosion.

Picardo: (In panic) Oh no!!! What the heck will we do. We're all gonna die.

Mike: Speak for yourself, human. (Into his communicator) Bird of Pray, six to beam up.

(Nothing happens.)

Computer: 20 seconds till you all go kablooie!!!

Mike: What happened to my ship!!!!!

Info: It's not there now.

Picardo: This can't be happening. We can't all die, can we?

Computer: 15 seconds till you're all blown to kingdom come.

Picardo: Snottie, you're the engineer!! Save us!!!!

Snottie: Not so fat now, huh? But whata you expect me ta do, sir??

Computer: Ten seconds...

Picardo; No!!!!!! It can't end this way!!!!

Milhouse: Guys, this is just a show. Nothing's really gonna happen. The camera will just stop and we'll walk off the set, that's all.

Computer: Reality jammers are off line. Six seconds until you all die, ha-ha!!!

Snottie: No! If the reality jammers are off line, we really will die!!!!

Picardo: What?! No!! This is just a bad dream, right???

Computer: Four....

Picardo: Everybody, pinch yourselves. Someone will wake up and well all be okay!!

(They all pinch themselves.)

All: Ouch!!

Computer: Three...

Picardo: NO!!! We're all gonna die!!!!!!!!

Guil: Hardly, we'll just trade one reality for another.

Ros: We'll know better next time.

(Smock gets up from pummeling Moans.)

Smock: Sir, snap; out of it! We need you, now!!!

Computer: One...

Snottie; Hey!!! What happened to two?

Computer: Sorry...Two

Snottie: Thank you.

Info: Wait a moment. Can computers forget?

Computer: One...

Snottie: You should know!!

Info: I forgot!!

Computer: Good-bye!!

(Everyone cringes, expecting the explosion. Instead, a sign rolls down. The sign says, "BOOM" on it.)

Picardo: Whew!!! Omigod, I thought it was real for a moment there.

Milhouse: Nah, I knew it was a fake from the start.

(The shuttlecraft blows up. Everyone goes flying through space in different directions.)

Picardo: Never, never, never, NEVER, NEVER say that!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

(As the crew disappears into the depths of space, the Star Trek theme song starts up, over the credits rolling on the screen.)

Narrator: Now Captain Jean-Lucy Picardo and his bald, I mean bad, I mean bold...oh the heck...I do mean bad...crew really are floating through space.

Picardo: (In the distance) I heard that!!! As soon as I get another ship, I'm coming after you too.

Narrator: Alas, Captain Jean-Lucy Picardo never would get another ship, because his path is about to cross that of the Death Tomato!!

Picardo: Hey! What's that ugly thing?

Darth Vader (Voice of James Earl Jones): Jean-Lucy, I am your father.

Picardo: My father was a French man!!

Darth Vader (Voice of James Earl Jones): Jean-Lucy, Je suis votre pere.