october 28, 1999
two days for downcast eyes, with the weight of others' thoughts on my shoulders. warming-up just makes me colder, and trying to please all of you only makes me bleed harder. i'm clinging to the frayed rope of the anticipation of some solace, praying all the while that it will hold my weight for one day more.

october 23, 1999
this time last year i was a month out of a bad place to be as far as the music scene goes, thinking that i would never be wanted here, either. it's all about that conditioning stuff that psychologists talk about...reinforcement and punishment. but there i was at 3 this morning eating tofu burgers with friends i never thought i'd have, talking about things i'd rarely gotten the chance to talk about before. so this is where the psychology unravels...

october 20, 1999
i wonder what it is like to be shallow. for real, i do. cause i can't imagine sitting for half an hour or more just talking about things i have, how rich i am, and what a lovely car my daddy drives. i wonder how it would feel to be able treat humans like objects that can be thrown away and replaced, not even caring how the other person feels. and i'd like to know what life would be like as a mere series of calculations...to "choose" a boyfriend because he possesses only acceptable qualities for someone to take care of me for the rest of my life, without even thinking about or learning who that person really is. but most of all if i were in those shoes, i wonder how i would be able to wake up and look at myself in the morning, and if i could possibly walk with my head facing anywhere but the ground...because that is the place i would truly belong.

october 18, 1999
now i'm old and feeling rejected. and as always, i have no idea why the rejected part is true. it seems that out of the pair i'm a part of, i've always been the less "cool" one. it has seemed like that less and less as time goes on, but today it screamed out at me so loudly. this is most likely all in my head, cause i tend to read too much into things. but i'll neverreally know whether my feelings are for something real or not. it's like, you never know what you look like when you walk down the street. and you never know what everyone you know really thinks about you. most days i don't even care, but today is a day that hit me hard for some reason. i'm wishing for one of those nights where everyone comes to hang out and talk. i'm wishing someone would smile at me right now and let me know stuff is ok. maybe tonight will see these made real.

october 12, 1999
.."in the pocket."
and he sounded so beautiful, even though his speech was simple. he knew that every second didn't long for sound, and cherished those little spaces at the ends of the words. and then we spoke to each other from across the room, eye to eye over twenty-four times four. his words were so easy to understand, but they explained the most inexplicable of ideas. i replied, "how did you get to be the way you are?" and he said, "i closed my eyes and did THIS..."
someday, i will be like you, too.

october 11, 1999
i'm bad about writing down my thoughts as i think them. or sometimes the computer just doesn't want to hold those thoughts for me. but lately most of these thoughts have been so good, and life has been a song. a jazz song..with harmonies so sweet they linger on into my dreams.