may 31, 2000
uh-oh..i cheated. it has not been three weeks yet but i just couldn't resist the pull of emory remington's daily routine. and believe it or not, i don't sound terrible. i can tongue! i can slur! and i can do these things pretty well, still. i had nightmares that i would sound like i did in 7th grade, but it didn't happen that way at all.
thank you god, for giving me nice strong facial muscles : )

may 30, 2000
"sidewalks in the city" are pounding inside my head, even more than usual. somebody just told me something i never knew, a new secret to grin about in the dark. and even though the scenery i see now is lovely, i wonder once again how it would look if one thing had changed. what if we had taken our backpacks upon our shoulders and run away to paris? i looked on the map..it was only twenty miles away. three floors above the city, i stayed awake until dawn, waiting and thinking about how many bottlecaps would be stuck between the cobblestones after the celebration had finally died. there was still dancing left in the back of my eyes..it wouldn't let me sleep! and when sleep came, it had a definite theme. the detail that two-year-old memories can possess is incredible, as the desire to relive those times can be incurable.

may 27, 2000
it is nothing but relief, and nothing but happiness, and only my joy...to stand by your side.

may 26, 2000
it's a thirty-five dollar night, and something is missing. the pizza hut was very gray and very quiet, even though there were twenty people inside yelling at each other. and the world stood in slow motion. this place shares the sky above crazy punk rock shows and bowling alleys and skateboarders and backyard games of frisbee..but the isolation gives none of that away. the air is stagnant despite the the pleasant breeze, and the cars are standing still atop their spinning tires. something is wrong. something is coming. something is coming at the wrong time, and all the world sits with me to watch in suspense.

may 22, 2000
i feel like donna reed or something..oh geez. earlier tonight i was sitting in my room sewing and thinking about how much i enjoyed what i was doing. and then i wondered why..maybe i like to sew because i have something pretty when i'm finished. or maybe i like being able to say, "yeah, i know how to sew." i thought for a long time about it before realizing the obvious..it keeps my hands busy while my mind races between thoughts. it reminded me of praying the rosary. once i asked, what is the point of saying fifty hail mary's? and this very smart girl replied that the hail mary's were just something upon which to build your thoughts. it's like an ostinato in music that repeats over and over so that the melody can wind all around it. and whenever i sit down and start embroidering something, my mind can just go off wherever it wants to, all from the starting point of the color of the thread.
so maybe it is not donna reed-ish to like to sew. i guess that stuff comes into play when you have to sew somebody's pants for them, and then get into your minivan and take them to soccer practice or something. uck.
i have been doing random things like this lately..sewing, making picture frames, learning japanese..etc. i don't know if i have said yet (i know i have drilled it into everyone's heads in real life) but the dentist said no playing trombone for -at least- three weeks. THREE WEEKS! my eyes got very wide when i heard those words, but that didn't last long because they put me under right away. i think it was one of those things that was planned.."let's break the news to her as soon as you're ready with that IV.." the IV felt good, too good, actually. it scares me when i like things like that. but anyway. in between random things to do, i have been rinsing my mouth with salt water -religiously- every 4 hours. i figure maybe if everything heals quickly, the dentist will reduce my sentence. rest assured though, either way i'm gonna sound terrible. sooooooo terrible.

may 21, 2000
we have all shared so much, and it brings a flood of happiness when those things are just mentioned. and i could sit and listen for hours as you tell me about what your lives have become. we have expanded and now there is more space for each of us to explore, but all the while the air still holds a familiar scent. three months under waffle house lights and stars are waiting for us...
last night after i left, i sat up and wrote until 5:33 in the morning. and when i went to sleep, i dreamed ella fitzgerald heard me singing in the shower. they were setting up a stage for her to sing in my yard, and she had come upstairs to wash her hands. she said, "well now, i heard you in there singing my song. i remember when louis and me sang it back in 1953." and i woke up wanting to sing, and all day i have wanted to sing. so today's mission, i think, is to find karaoke night. or something like that. it is a random, random day..can you tell?

may 18, 2000
tonight i bruised myself with the lightest touch..now i look like i've been beaten up even though it has been just the opposite. they played hayden until i drifted off to sleep, and brought me soft foods that i could eat. tomorrow is my first day alone but i feel as if the loneliness has already come on full force. the second i drove away was a second of change, if not for me, for someone else. it's the same out of sight, out of mind mentality that we apply to the trash in our "sanitary" landfills. it's gone, right? calling a broken connection over and over again..i wonder why i am doing this. rejection has come just as easily as has the new purple blemish just to the left of my chin.

may 16, 2000
right now i'm short four teeth. and i'm flopping around like a little drunk girl. this is kinda fun, being all messed up and everything. but the problem is i don't know what to write. maybe they call them wisdom teeth because when they take them out, you feel incredibly stupid all of a sudden, just like the college kids downtown.

may 9, 2000
and now everything is finished. it ended up going smoothly, my mind says, but the silver lining of my head tells me that it all happened with a dangerously low amount of sleep. late night walks and good books and warm summer rain, here i come.

may 6, 2000
there was spanish dancing and children running through the grass, all bathed in the warm light of the day. and honey cakes shared in the shade made the afternoon glow. i feel somewhat mean, because i cleaned out my refrigerator and left all my roommate's food out to get warm and rotten. i hope she got there ten minutes after i left, so her applesauce had a chance of not going bad. either that or i wish i had remembered that i had left all her food sitting there before i left. i must apologize. and then it will be time to go to the show and see providence union and cross my heart. nights are perfect when they are spent listening to music and sitting under the white lights of the parking lot.

may 4, 2000
today, today..was beautiful. the sunlight fell across everything you could see, like it does at the beach. the air was warm and kept inviting me to take a stroll, even if it were just a little one. i ate a lot of chinese food today, or mongolian food, rather, and it was really good. they had a big grill and you picked out what you wanted and the guy would cook it for you. i never thought i could eat that many bean sprouts and still be hungry by the time dinner rolled around. two people told me that i was good at writing, which made me happy. and last night i got voted secretary of our little tiny kky chapter. so i get to write some more, and then read what i wrote at the next meeting. yipee, i said. i like this time of year, because it's when the ball of stress i have spent all year making starts to unwind and fall away. it's summertime, almost time to read about duke's bones and to write under the stars every night with my headphones on.