march 29, 2001
been hurtin in my head, hurtin from goin too fast.
seems my thoughts get agitated, and they bounce off each other violently, faster and faster...till i get slammed down.
somebody last night said to me, "sometimes you've just gotta sit down and think slow."
although it was painful, i'm surely grateful.
march 27, 2001
lately i've felt something i've never felt before...
between my shoulder blades sits a presence as if a hand were softly pressing beneath my skin,
pushing out the tension from my back, making warm comfort grow. evenings stretch like shadows
on the floor, and i realize the meaning of something once infathomable to my mind. for once
i know just where i'm going, even though my journey leads into unknown territory. although
the path ahead may change direction, the same bricks will pave the way as far as i
can see and as long as i can imagine.
i rest my wrists on my knees and take in the light
with eyes closed.
thoughts drift and roll like clouds and minor sevenths. feeling and sensation
are white dresses, all dried in breezy sunlight.
under the night sky, bright stars, blue eyes, let's
sit with our legs crossed and pick peace out of the air.
march 21, 2001
they want to force me to say, "it's hard to walk down the street anymore,"
and they try with all their might to change favorites into fears. cold eyes speak of the "wrongness"
of my actions, and fill my heart with the chill some so quickly assume was there all along. but
are those eyes are any match for the flood of heat stirring just beneath my skin?
a new fire--coltrane
said it best--
a warmth like no other that holds me in both sleep and waking.
time has passed, thinking
it has stolen away the orange of the flame.
people have passed, each teaching
the same uncaring lesson.
but this fire heeds no person's thoughts nor their actions, and its warmth
invites no hatred. so go ahead, pour your ice down my throat.. no freezing wind can cool a warmth
that never dies. leave me just one spark, and i will see the sun!
march 19, 2001
after a week of snowboarding and relaxing and having a nasty cold,
i'm back in the place i normally am, doing the ridiculously large amount of things that i'm
usually doing. it felt almost strange to relax...i got very angry at myself for taking an entire
day and sitting around and doing absolutely nothing with it. my body, however, was jumping
around and cheering inside over the fact that i finally gave it a moment's rest.
when i came here to
learn about music, i would often get stressed out over all the things i had to do...but now, that
rarely happens anymore. it's gotten to the point where the more stuff i have to do, the more
energy i have to do it, and the more momentum i have to drive me closer to my goals.
music school is this: mountains and mountains of things to do and learn.
when you first hit the foothills, it seems like such a daunting, tiring trek that is sometimes just
plain scary. but as you go along, your muscles become accustomed to the climbing and your
shoes get used to the wear and tear that each day brings. and one day you look up at the
next mountain you're about to climb, all the new concepts you have to learn and/or improve,
but you don't feel stress or anxiety anymore. you just say, "ok, bring it on!" and take off
running with a huge grin on your face. each day is a challenge, and i have come to love
challenges with all my heart. each new concept i learn creates a new goal to reach towards,
and my arms and mind have learned to stretch soovery far..
i think that's what they're trying to do around here. all the professors, all the performers, all
the visiting clinicians...they turn my eyes toward the mountains and then put their hands on
my back and give me a push, and then another, and then another.
one day i sit dejected and broken,
desperately asking why.
next day i turn around to find that i'm strong.
march 10, 2001
tonight i can hear you moving outside, turning the doorknob in hopes of
walking into my thoughts. when i was younger, i picked flowers from the trees and placed
them in a bundle next to where you slept..and when my pet guinea pigs got tired and
needed rest, i let them lie down by your side. and although i never knew any of you by more
than a name and a childhood story, i always knew you were no enemies of mine. you shared
my quiet time and my thoughts, your sleeping place gave me solace. time and time again
found me running from the world, back to the place where arms of peace would fold around
my shoulders. in this your time of uncertainty, i'll make my words into hands for you to hold,
just as you have done for me so many times before.
march 6, 2001
benches and strangers can't read me your thoughts.
march 1, 2001
heavy beats and dancing...
you know "i've grown so close to you"
voice on the line speaks of delay, brass fingers follow in time...
you know "i've grown so close to you"
look inside. see colors and music and light. unblurred by clouds, the sun can wipe the ashes
from every head.
