june 30, 1999
nothing here has felt quite right lately. but actually, plenty is right..it's just, words from somebody else's mouth are often so much more convincing than the words you tell yourself.
well, two days ago i saw the white house for the first time! it was behind a big fence, to keep all the 'bad' people out i guess. and before the show, we were playing hacky sack with two homeless guys, and i kept wondering how the president could just sit behind his fence and not be able to give people a decent place to sleep. it would be annoying to be president, i think, cause you would think that you could help the people closest to where you are at least, but it's really not that way at all. after the president's house and the hacky sack game came an awesome show with such awesome people. i love it when there are nice people everywhere i look. nice people make for the biggest smiles.
june 27, 1999
seems i'm too alone and enjoy it way too much. this morning i woke up and looked in the mirror and the eyes staring back were so hollow..and the rest of the day has added on its share of emptiness. click. transmission broken. and i have never wanted to call anyone back so badly, but something made my hand stay by my side. pride, maybe? yeah it's possible. pride and the feeling that you are better off without hearing my voice again. something ended just now, and i can feel it burning behind my eyes and making more dark gray ash to smear on my face. 'well, bye'. end transmission. what have i done?
june 26, 1999
i used to imagine flying alone very early in the morning, watching the sun come up from behind the trees and dancing around in pink clouds. and now the thought that i actually might get to -do- that..wow. i saw it in a childhood dream, you could say. and being here has taught me that dreams really can become more than just thoughts.
june 23, *the next generation*
wow..somebody got me talking again..about the soul and passion and god and the universe. i was wondering yesterday if any other person looks at the world through eyes similar to mine--so far i have found two. one sits with me at night and we figure out such amazing things..maybe true, maybe just more missed guesses to questions which have no known answers. he's my down the street neighbor, in a sense. and the other, my next-door neighbor as of now, sits with me all the time. he is my gift from god, a piece of my soul you could say. and in this case, there are no questions to ask.
june 23, 1999
ohhh it's so pretty today i just had to write about it first thing! the only bad thing about staying up so late is that you miss the morning sometimes, but today i woke up and it was still there. and today whatever is going to happen will happen under such a pretty sky..so it's got to be good.
june 22, 1999
scared...for a moment.
it must have been him in that car; the sick smile gave it away. the chill i got and the way i wanted to curl up under my seat just then pointed in that direction as well. that smile, over me and blurred [for a moment] until god made me run and run and run until pink walls surrounded me...i want to rip it off your face. i want you to suffer under your own disease. that girl next to you, with the dark under her eyes..and i know. you're gonna hurt if i ever see her arms the way i saw mine. moments passed...contrast. and looking around it seems i have run so much further than that one short mile..
june 21, 1999
gloria set the pace for a cloudy day's drive, until the end of the line brought the sun to my eyes. that place was in a permanent cloud, but together we cleared away the haze. we're ten months on a flight into forever, and no amount of smokestacks could blacken our skies.
june 19, 1999
startling realization: he walked away and he's never coming back. he left because he loves us, i know it, and he didn't want us to see him when...
june 18, 1999
god..i love being alive. i really do. in the morning today i woke up and it was 9-something and i sat on the floor and stretched my legs out cause i really like to do that..and the house smelled really good like someone had made bread or something. so i just breathed, and stretched until my nose was touching the floor, and i looked at my kitty, and i kept thinking, wow. things even got better as charlie filled my ears and cheerios filled my stomach. and then i went and filled the house with my own sounds that actually sounded good today. and i stood in the bathroom and stared in the mirror at my mouth under the shiny metal, and thought about how charlie got thrown off the stage when he was young. i haven't gotten thrown off of any stage yet so i guess things are going pretty well. then later i looked up and there were old friends looking right back at me. i haven't seen you in months, i said. and they said we needed to hang out some and i said ok. for some reason i could tell their words were spoken in the voice of meaningless small talk, but still i enjoyed smiling at them instead of just smiling at -thoughts- of them. these past few hours were beautiful...
"i carry a scar," but every new day brings healing hands.
june 16, 1999
your music makes me so happy..so happy that i want to bounce around everywhere..so happy that i can't stand still. tonight i felt like a part of something for the first time. and standing there watching the circle spin around and over itself, i realized the old acolytes have all moved on from this place. so now all that's left is a moving and swaying circle of friends.
so tired and dreamy...it seems like all my thoughts have headed southward again, where you are. where i can feel your hands on my back and your eyes gazing into mine.. tonight i'll stretch out and then curl up again and dream of the one on the other side of all the miles i've driven..
june 8, 1999
today was an illustration of what the word 'hot' really means..thank goodness for ice cream and air conditioning. all i'm seeing is canada, and sharing the cool air with the beautiful face next to me..
another beautiful face picked itself up off the ground this morning and showed us that we didn't have to let go just yet. maybe somewhere he knew that what i had promised him was true, and what they said about him was wrong. halfway there, and just one more mile tonight towards home..
june 7, 1999
three days in a dream.. we walked under the stars, but the brightest light was that which radiated from your face. chasing the light in the darkness we found ourselves soaked and cold..you make me feel like a little kid in a mud puddle. you make me feel the happiness i thought i had forgotten long ago.. "will you ever know how much i love you for that?" and for everything else you are? there is no screen big enough to show you that..if i were to take light and project the way i feel, nobody would ever see the dark again..
seven hours, fifteen minutes in a nightmare for someone close by..for days a dear friend has been failing before my eyes.. now they say it's time to get ready to move on. but how can i move on from that night in january so long ago, and all the days that have seen his small face smiling into mine? i would beg him to be strong and pick his head up, if only he could understand..
june 1, part 2.
i believe i'll sit and cry over everything today..over the french toast he bought me and the ring inside the phone. there's no more tears left though. either i haven't been drinking enough water or it's time to stop being sad. i don't like being sad, so i'm not going to be anymore. tonight i made 44 dollars and 59 cents..i advise everyone here to become a pizza girl/boy, cause you can make yourself a big cheese and mushroom pizza every night if you want, and your income rivals that of big time drug dealers...
looking at the little green counter on the other page..it makes me really happy how people come here and listen to me ramble on and on about mess every day. and some of you probably don't even know me and i don't know you either..it's like we are all just computers here, and hits on a little green counter. but thank you so much for coming here--you are all very very awesome and i hope you like the stuff on this page..
june 1, 1999
this is early to some but late to me. how i would love to go to sleep and dream..it might take me away from the fact that everything about me is wrong. it might put me in a place where people actually want me to be.
i thought once that i could screw up a billion and one things..sure, everybody could. but i never thought that even my smile could hurt somebody. even that is something that isn't good enough...so why should i bother to display such an imperfect expression to someone so perfect? it will never be enough. nothing will ever be enough and it scares me so much...