january 29, 2001
night after night, eyes stay open wide, able but never willing to close. "there is just too much to see, too many things to take in, for us to stop for rest," they say, and she who owns them must always concede. she must give in because she knows the night is beautiful. the black sky is full of stars and the streetlights always catch familiar eyes...stars and eyes shining for her. here she forgets herself but never loses track of others; in dim light and discussion, they play on her mind. sunrise and she remembers herself, and life becomes the dream she would have seen if sleep had cradled her eyes. sunlight or cloudy, either way a fog rolls in, lifts her feet and floats between thoughts. the minutes roll on, jet forth into clarity.
please send my fog back. give me hours in reverse. give me a hammer and a saw and the skill to build change.
"i wish i could say something beautiful right now," but delicate syllables leave my side at the times i need them most.
for all those times that i have destroyed, this time alone holds my everything.

january 24, 2001
brahms' third. one week in autumn spent poring over the score, searching with eyes and hands, scouring with ears...hopeful to find a connection, a coherent word or two. those motives, his motives...tiny two-note-long things that wrote volumes across the strings. this night and run-down pencils running down weathered score. "slender bows stretch upward," slender fingers clasp a pale shade. i'm melting...
soft breath holds still in five lines' past.

january 22, 2001
useless? no. the past fourteen days have changed this mind, turned it back the right way from the inside-out-ness in which it had been functioning since i flew southward once again. it had been far too quiet, far too cold, too far away from all i wanted to see. even minutes like this can translate to hours, when one lets them...hours become days, so days become forever. behind and inside and under tall buildings, bathed in human warmth that shone brighter than light bulbs in the dark, somehow i knew the real forever.
if i ever doubted any love was ever there, i've been proven wrong as all holy hell.
i've been wondering if you know my thoughts although i don't get to sit in the stillness and silence and speak to you as often as i want to. i wonder if you know what i need and somehow lead me to it, or has this life simply been a series of incredibly odd coincidences and close calls. somehow it seems the latter could not have held up for this long. two decades...twenty long years this girl in all theory should not have lived to see. useless? no. there's something more and i must keep running, going forward to see what it may be. if i ever doubted this love was there...
it's there. in the people who smile when our eyes meet, in wide grins light up the darkness with laughter, and the arms that curl us up together while we're asleep and don't even realize it.
it's there, like an arioso in the darkness and total acceptance in the light of a day that was a most generous gift.
it's there..in the love i can never deny or lose, no matter how hard i may try or how far away i may go. this has appeared behind my eyes, just in time for me to pass it on. if you ever doubt all the things you are...
three hours of pavement and trees can't stop my love for you. i pray it will forever travel faster than your hope will away.

january 8, 2001
god i feel so useless...

january 1, 2001
i am a runner. in my closet is a pair of adidas, red and blue ones, their soles worn down from the grit of the pavement. they go a few miles every other day or so, hanging on to my feet to see where i'll take them. and they have seen many places, some different and some just more of the same repeated, still pounding out meter after meter soft and steady as sticks in hands.
make me more of a runner. make my entire life pulse and move, not away from the past but instead toward what is to come. i'm taking along plenty of water, and am standing ready in my favorite shorts and shoes. this year will see my strength emerge, my mind moving like hamstrings and calves and heels. in the coming days, let the wind catch my hair and make it fly as i go, moving constantly until my destination is far behind my back.