july 29, 2000
all at once so disconnected, a steeping soul takes flight...as a single electrical burst once roared up into ravenously grasping flames, so does another destroy imagined miracles. these foolish illusions quickly deteriorate under such words, such imagined and intended actions. here sounds the last line of a dying song, its strains becoming mired in the tense silence that has been built up like the highest wall, the strongest fortress..more separation than any amount of miles could offer. the song resumes but a distance away, efforts redoubled with a new verse and freer tempo, so that one may dance and enjoy.
blackness..each pulsation of false hope precedes its own shadow, the stones that stack up to forever hide the sun from the view of the ones left behind.

july 28, 2000
today is now officially named international frustration day. i didn't know the meaning of *high blood pressure* until now, it seems. and i had forgotten how terrible people are in general..when i remembered, i just wanted to kick someone! aaacck!! (and obviously i still do.) the only person in the whole wide world who is exempt from my must-kick list is the person who gave me a free oreo mcflurry at mcdonald's about an hour ago. i ate it and smiled, because that cup of frozen dairy and cookie mush was the highlight of my day.

july 25, 2000
the summer air of austria has made its way over the streets of virginia, as the sun peeks through the thin spots in the clouds and lands on the buildings below. and sitting outside in the soft wind will be the perfect way to spend a day like today.

july 20, 2000
things are amazingly good right now...i love just breathing in and thinking about it. last night i had a spur-of-the-moment dance party with four really cool people, and in the morning i flew southward to put up my nice homemade shower curtain and to play at an awesome fest! there aren't many times like this, when "all is right with the world". so while the goodness lasts, i'll spend my time eating spanakopitas and savoring the moment~

july 19, 2000
"what if i just screamed..really loud, right now?" she thought, as the thick carpet gently grated on the back of her neck. everyone in the building would wake up and come over to see what was happening..or maybe some would just perk their ears up and snicker themselves back into dreams. as she got to her feet, she felt she was in a dream as well. the gentle glow of cloudy skies at 7 a.m. beamed through the glass, lighting up the white cotton curtains whose ends rested lazily on the windowsill, as the air moved sweetly past half-asleep eyes. gazing around the room, she brushed her hair from her face and re-fluffed the pillows on the sofa. and with a grin, she began walking toward the new day with thoughts of the one just passed.

july 18, 2000
i have been terrible terrible terrible about writing on this little blue page lately. but i have an excuse..stuff has been going on. i moved into my new apartment last friday, for one thing. the place is awesome, and on top of that, i furnished the whole thing for under two hundred bucks. ahh, the wonders of yard sales..it's cool how you can buy something old and fix it up so it looks brand new. the best part about getting this apartment though is the fact that it's the first place i've had that i can really call my own. during the past few months i've had this unquenchable thirst for independence. earlier this year, i didn't even feel like a separate entity anymore, but only a shadow of someone else. and although that someone else is a person i love very much, it is still disheartening when i go to a meeting or a show (or anywhere for that matter) and the first words out of anyone's mouth are to ask me why i'm alone. and it hurts when the guy in the record store says, "whatever, you guys are the same person anyway.." up until a few months ago, i didn't realize it..or maybe i did, but just ignored it. problem is when i did realize, i pulled away so fast that it tore all the seams between us, and again i hurt someone. things seem to be better now, but i'm sure there are scars that are easily masked by miles of telephone lines and typed words on a screen. i'm thinking that this is a "time will tell" type of thing. time for the one i hurt to heal, and time for people to figure out i'm not just an added appendage on another person. i can see an autumn full of sticky situations and hard times..but if i look away from that view, it will be easier to leave what i see behind.

july 11, 2000
hehe...tonight i went to OZZFEST! *for free!* yeeeeah, ozzy and pantera rule the galaxy! (did you ever think you'd see these words here??)
it was very fun..something i wanted to do a long time ago but never got the chance. when i was twelve years old, i taped the headbanger's ball every saturday night. ozzy and pantera were a couple of my favorites, and i watched their videos until the tapes were nearly worn out. back then, they seemed like such far-off entities that i would never even have a chance of seeing with my own eyes. but tonight, there they were, and my inner eighth-grader rejoiced at the sight : )

july 7, 2000
years ago i faced an enormous problem..probably one of the biggest problems a person could encounter in his or her lifetime. for some reason i was lucky enough to realize what had happened, where i had been before and where i had arrived at the end of some months that still register only gray in my mind. my head was propped against the wall, and it was eleven thirty in the morning. against the white comforter on an unfamiliar bed, my arm looked mottled, lifeless..so disgusting to me that i cried and begged to be locked away from the world, just until i could make things right again. in the darkness, i thought, "i got myself into this mess, and i will get myself out." and little by little, the haze cleared, its gray wisps dispelling ever so gradually until the view looked almost the same as before. and all the while, not even my closest friends knew what was going on. it was the ultimate in d.i.y., although probably not the smartest thing to do. but since then, i have tackled every problem in that same way..plugging away and sticking it out on my own, until everything was solved. all along it seems to have worked beautifully, that is, until now. i had so badly shattered something that today it seemed there was no hope of ever putting it back together. a slow division had been going on for some time, and in an effort to fix it, i took all the cracking pieces into my two hands. but piece after piece had begun to fall through my fingertips, and i had no way to save that which was seemingly lost. but all the while, another set of hands had been far below mine, catching all that my clumsy fingers could not grasp. those hands and mine working together could mend even the most terrble cracks and could heal the most painful wounds. sometimes, i am not enough..i might as well be trying to win the world cup with a team of one. but when there are two of us, one can guard the goal while the other scores points.

july 4, 2000
it makes me feel so patriotic, listening to a cheesy brass band and watching fireworks light up the sky. today the old men were driving down the street with flags tied onto their antennas, and there were kids with sparklers lighting up the night. sometimes i wish i were four years old, wearing little pink shorts and running around with one of those sparkling magic wands. i can even remember when it was that way, and even though it was so long ago, the feeling lingers so that it seems to have just passed.
the fourth of july fireworks tonight were the first i had seen in seven years...i had been too busy playing expatriate or being rained on in a canoe with my cocky eagle-scout friend (who got us lost and navigated us right into the worst part of a summer storm.) two years ago, this day's sun shone on one of the scariest places my feet have ever walked..a place where feet stopped walking, and countless lives were discarded like used paper towels or crusty bars of soap. but then the night gave way to dancing and tall bottles of coca-cola, just for us. four years ago, i ate coffee-flavored gelati, and sat under a tall ceiling washing feet and comforting a friend. no sparklers for us...just beautiful conversations held four floors over the spas of italy, where all the waiters wear tuxedos and graciously pour champagne into your glass even if you don't ask them to. i love taking one day and remembering how it was spent in different years. it's named just the same as today's date, but there are nineteen different versions, with more on the way.

july 3, 2000
on the road, a cassette tape had broken and was spilling all over the dark pavement with the wind of each car's passing. as i came to the corner and stopped, a huge pickup truck came speeding from the other way, flinging the endless jumble of magnetic tape up into the air. and under the streetlights it glittered like silvery stardust falling from the sky.