december 27, 2000
christmas was beautiful as is today. last night the snow whirled around outside and landed on everything it could touch. it was the silver, powdery stuff, the kind that comes in those plastic snow globes. i imagined a child with a giant snow globe with our city inside. she shook it and spun it around until the white crystals had woven their white blankets on every street and roof. two days ago around midnight, i imagined a child's birth shaking up far more than this city, but the entire world and the rest of time as well..something so important in such a small package. i sat under the dim lights and silver organ pipes, and wondered if everything i've heard in that same place all my life is really true. and i wondered how it could -not- be true, having lasted for so long and having touched so many people, myself included. this spirit is both the red and blue in the sunset and the mystery underlying all my days. it's what is breathed from the trees along with the oxygen that keeps us up and running. i don't know if there is a guy or girl somewhere named god..some think so, some think not. but i do know there's a feeling that makes me keep feeling. it's the joy that jumps out when i see someone i love, or when i hear the notes from saxes or voices or trees' branches, that music that i long to capture in my own sterling silver bell. it's the sparkle in snow as it flutters down to us and lands on our noses, the sparkle that makes sparks and stories and thoughts in blue arial size three type.
december 22, 2000
still walkin down the cold streets of the city, just like i always have, but these days feel different. warmer..slower...and the lights burn outward and upward to fill the darkness on both sides of my skin. knitted wool over my head and glances that turn into stares; yes, it feels like summer or spring, even when i'm outside playing in the snow.
december 17, 2000
when i get married, if i ever decide to get married, i'd like the whole thing to be beautiful like the glow of christmas lights, the little white ones that make everything look rosy and serene. friends with instruments and voices will be there to warm the air with notes..a warm, rich trombone choir to escort me down the aisle and give me away. and may the chords of "my one and only love" be with us from our first dance until our last breath. nothing needs to be showy, as nothing in this girl's life demands extravagance, and as nothing in our shared life would require glitter beyond what we possess down in our hearts. people will speak of us as they spoke of my cousin and his new bride last night.."they are so beautiful together. and strangely i've never seen them fight. they just -never fight-.." i wonder if that will ever change between them. i wonder if i will ever change my mind. watching weddings (strangely..heh) makes me think about weddings..all the planning and cake-building and invitation-sending. thinking about the time afterward, though, makes me want to run, and run, and run..in many cases, that is.
december 12, 2000
and now begin the lazy days..the days of writing by the light of vanilla candles and rainer maria, the afternoons of walking down city streets and looking in all the windows, cold days made for playing and trying to bake the perfect vegan christmas cookie. since the lights went out and the ice came down, i have loved this time of year. it's a big change for one who once cringed at thoughts of december, doing everything short of growling at the sight of christmas trees and gold foil tinsel.
today i went shopping for three of the people who have made me who i am. despite all the miles of pavement and guardrails in between us, it is still easy to be close to them. i like giving people presents, so christmas is a good excuse to do so. there is just something great about seeing somebody you care about as they tear open the wrapping paper and like what they see. it's like when you play a song for somebody and their face lights up, or when you sit on top of your best friend's car and watch the sun set...one of those good things that comes with being able to breathe.
today has been a lazy day, just like yesterday and maybe just like tomorrow as well.
today i will run and think and quietly listen, and then surely make some noise of my own. and until the night brings those golden keys back under my fingers, a love will sing pianissimo through my thoughts. that sound..it makes my steps softer, takes the slickness from the bricks beneath these black rubber heels. makes me want to give people things, and catches me grinning as i relax in the dark.
thoughts...in my sight comes the sound, the tremendous crescendo that has me singing as well.
you make my life the book it has become.
