august 28, 1999
i cried last night, for the same reason i cried on a sunny saturday morning almost a year ago. all these labels that i will never understand, all these people i will never be good enough for. i thought this was all left behind back when i was twelve years old, but that is not the case. now i cannot deny that the past repeats itself...sometimes you just aren't able to tell--situations and ideas can have masks just like faces on halloween night. so now the past must repeat itself again..the part of my past in which i became strong. but it is so hard to understand anything, when something thought of as a refuge turns into the enemy itself. and it is almost impossible to stand up with the weight of their looks on my shoulders, and the heaviness of their false judgements above my head.
and one says i didn't even try..that i brought it all upon myself. i never asked for rejection. and i think i dealt with my dose of it well. that is until i realized that it is something i shouldn't have to deal with in the first place.

august 23, 1999
things have been so beautiful lately, especially your face. i hope that at 8:40 tonight i can put out sounds worthy of describing everything you are..
[and i hope that soon, i will be up and writing regularly again on this pretty blue webpage.]

august 13, 1999
practice is making me a good trombone player, and old and new friends are making me feel like a very happy person. this is a good place i'm in, and i'm very glad to be here.

august 11, 1999
"nothing changes..nothing ever will." give it a day..

august 10, 1999
in the city, the air was so cool and it took its scent from the little restaurants nearby--sometimes you could taste a whole meal just by breathing in. and there were trees..even ones big enough to climb and hang from..the kind that reach and reach for a sky they could never touch. this was the sky whose arms stretched so far, the end of the blue could never be seen, and where all the most beautiful clouds would go to relax and glisten in the sun. and in a small room below, i found a place to lay my head. some things feel strangely perfect..

august 1, 1999
the computer was slow and strange last night...i put a couple of things up here only to find them gone today. like i said, strange. my nice family vacation to the beach was good, but mostly because of the non-family member who was there. during this trip i realized a great many things about where i came from and who i am now. i guess i just finally noticed how different things have become, and it was very scary. i did a lot of scrawling in my notebook late at night, hoping that if i wrote about it enough that everything would become more clear. and even though it took a while, things did become easier to understand. i realized that people are always changing, whether they notice it or not. but even though people may become different from one another, it doesn't mean they have to grow apart or like each other any less. nothing can stay exactly the same, but that does not mean things have to get worse.