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may 31, 1999
right now i'm tired, but i feel great cause i just came back from helping somebody out. earlier today though, i was feeling worried over a person i couldn't help at all. sometimes there is just stuff wrong with how things are, i guess..some things are easy to fix, but some could never be fixed by the most skilled teams of repairmen.

may 28, 1999
"so this is what it is to be alive," she said. when the songs are not the right ones and the words don't say what needs to be said. when everything a person is becomes everything others need to avoid. she stands always alone on an earth that only reluctantly holds her weight, and seeks shelter from the sun, whose wish it is to slowly char her life into nonexistence..

may 26, 1999
an old friend of mine used to say his entire life was an example of murphy's law in action.
after today, i can definitely relate to what he was saying..so many things went wrong, it was almost comical..

may 25, 1999
12:38 p.m. blah..forgotten birthday today..looks like i have to take someone out to eat cause i don't know what to get them at all. the kitty is screaming at me right now but i don't want to get up cause i'm stuffed with won-tons and fried rice. oh the joys of the chinamen's buffet...

may 24, 1999
we sat in the dark but stared at the light..just one sweep of his arm and a thousand slender bows stretched upward in response, ringing wordless praises into the night. tonight your hands and your lips shot out the fire from inside your hearts--magnified and sent deep into the silence to melt this one girl from the inside out..
tonight i stared into the eyes of the first love of my life..and for once, i got a look back.

may 22, 1999
there is something rumbling outside..it sounds like someone is scraping a crate across the outside of the house. hopefully they won't use that crate to rob us blind or anything..
today i saw old friends, talked about things that happened a long time ago, and even smelled the smells that i breathed in years before now. everything i looked out at was exactly the same as it always has been, but on the other side of my eyes, what i see is anything but the same.

may 21, 1999
every night i thank god for you..and every morning i wish the first thing i see could be your eyes..

may 19, 1999
night is the best time to drive...then you can sing as loud as you want and nobody gives you strange looks. (or maybe it's just too dark to see them looking at you..) the other day when i was driving, this jtt jtt kid i used to know was next to me, and he witnessed my beautiful rendition of a song by jejune..i don't think i've ever seen that same expression on -anyone's- face before.

may 16, 1999
a year ago, when i met you, you only spoke to me when other eyes weren't looking. months ago, when i had just been hurt, you were there to pull the skin back and make the wound bleed harder. tonight, when i was happy with myself, you were the one to show me i'm a failure. i know you mean no harm by the things you say. maybe you just don't realize it..or maybe i'm the one who's not realizing something.

may 15, 1999
tonight i made 56 dollars and 28 cents. i got hit on by a 40 year old. and I JUST LEARNED HOW TO DO FRAMES!!!! yeah, today was good, minus the forty-year old.

may 14, 1999
when i was in fifth grade i used to pretend i was an international spy..basically i did it just to get through the day. and mission was to gather information on people in my class. it was perfect cause i sat in the back of the room and i could just sit and look at everybody, and no one would ever look back. nobody really talked to me, cause i was [am] a dork, so i got to just sit and think uninterrupted.
now it's 8 years later, and in a way i'm right back where i was before. it's like i can just lean back and look at the rest of the world right now, and sit around and listen to 7" and re-fold every pair of socks i own just for the heck of it. and no one will make my phone ring, and no one will come to my door...
nobody else knows i'm here yet..and that makes me smile.

may 12, 1999
my first soliloquy in months...no one left to share this stage. we spoke to each other in the faintest of voices--a half-silent dialogue between weary minds. still the words echo but in much softer tones. the sound of you could never be forgotten, but lines spoken in solitude will never commit themselves to my memory.
"a man and a woman make the greatest duet"-duke ellington

may 9, 1999
facts of the day:
#1--sometimes there's just too much stuff to learn in one night.
#2--some cats are determined to replace the alarm clock as we know it.
#3a--if you play the same measure of music for 40 minutes, people near you will get upset.
#3b--if you play the same measure of music for 40 minutes, you will most likely be hurting the next day.
#4--this site is highly educational (as if you couldn't tell already!)

may 3, 1999
sometimes you have to pay for things you've done, and i did that again last night. if i had known four years ago that what i was doing would cause me to miss rainer maria last night, i would have just stopped right there. but i didn't know rainer maria back then. so the show went on without me, but the night ended up being awesome, thanks to an angel with a sofa. no one else has ever come in to check on me, but he did. fighting the sherlock holmes-looking people just wouldn't be the same if with only a one-girl army..words of the day for today and yesterday "call an ambulance..i dont want to walk home alone" by rm.

may 1, 1999
last night i overcame my fear of show people. i think i'd been scarred by the 'acolytes' who were where i used to live (we called them that cause they worshipped 'the scene'. and they were fanatic about it to the point that it was just plain scary.) but for a long time i would go to see a band and just sit in the back and not talk to anyone, cause they all scared me for some reason. but last night i talked a lot--to the point that i must have seemed out of character. i might have made friends...wow..i feel proud of myself!
and this morning i remembered how nice it is to wake up and see a beautiful person next to you. and you listen to them breathe and look at their long dark eyelashes that flicker a little bit once in a while. it's a view i could take in every morning until there aren't any more mornings.

april 30, 1999
today is a slow day. tonight we eat and then we party, but that still leaves the rest of the afternoon....ugg.

april 29, 1999
8:53 on a thursday morning.. i was just reading on my friend's page that they banned trenchcoats in my old high school. that's so weird to me like that...they say it's because of all the violence that has been going on in colorado and the schools in our area, too, but why are they blaming coats instead of people? maybe it's because part of the blame would come to rest on the ones with the pointing fingers...
in 20 minutes it's time to take a piano exam. it's all scales, and since i've been annoying everyone in a 50-mile radius with playing them for the past 2 weeks, it should all go well. some people say i practice too much..but i say it's not quite enough