april 29, 2000
i turned around and realized that it has been a whole year. happy birthday, little blue webpage.
april 28, 2000
quiet piano melodies asked me a question today...will i be able to spend the rest of my life in a place where everything around me is the total opposite of who i am? sometimes, everything i see is gleaming with rosy light. but there are some times i wonder what i am doing in this situation. and i ask myself if these few moments of perfect happiness are worth the hours of mismatched entrances. spending these years in a piano phase* in which the melody started perfectly together and then gradually fell apart, it makes my head heavy to think about it. like staying trapped in the car waiting for those few seconds when the turn signals in the lane will click together. it's a hard decision whether a moment's joy is worth the weight of such grating chaos.
*the piano phase was made by steve reich, who was experimenting with magnetic tape in the 1960's. he would manipulate the tapes so that one of them played -justthismuch- faster than the other. the melodies on the tapes would become more and more out of sync, but eventually would come back together. then he applied the same principle to live instruments. basically, this guy invented electronica (^-^)
april 19, 2000
despite all this email, alone is the only company here. sorry for the ridiculously short writings. for one thing, there's no time. and for another thing, i'm feeling so spaced out and cynical right now that a sentence is about all i can muster.
april 15, 2000
it's tax day and i am practicing. maybe if i practice enough, i'll be a good enough trombone player for the government to take all the millions of dollars i earn. it would be so cool to be that good. then i could make my own book of warm-up exercises, and more than one person would own it!
april 11, 2000
it has been a strange couple of days. lately i have felt everything i thought was secure some crashing down. it is strange, i used to think i knew exactly who i was and where i was going, but in a matter of hours all of that came loose and fell off somewhere where i can't find it. or maybe it was one of those culminating points, where something moves away and moves away and is finally gone just when you realize it has started going somewhere. there used to be ideas running in my head so fast i coudln't even get them all out..beautiful things always demanded description, and someone was always there who wanted to hear. but now all that has been reduced to mindless small talk. i could be a robot, programmed to say the same things over and over, and no one would know the difference. and it kills me that there are so many people around but there is not a single one that i can -really- talk to. everything is so different but it's hard to find out what has changed. but it's easy to feel the fact that has been bearing down on my head..that everything i knew is gone, and that everything about me can be expressed by the word "trite". and life is tinted with the colors seen when all is lost..almost.
april 4, 2000
there is a boy in here with a permanent face for crying. he looks so sad sitting at his computer, like the weight of the world was just dropped onto his back. then again, i probably look the same way..nasty geology assignments do that to people.
