june 28, 2000
silent drives are what i hate the most..sitting in a car in which the air is so heavy with tension that it becomes hard to breathe. thankfully, this was one of the last. and thankfully as well, it was not one of the worst. flying past the whitewashed plank fences of goochland county, va, the place where the land starts rolling up into gentle slopes. as the storm moved in on the horizon, you could see wisps of clouds collecting around the trees. silence gave way to complaining, a sound i have grown very accustomed to in the past few years. staring out over the green fields, i prayed that i would never pass by the place in which some people have been stranded for so long. but i know that the beauty of a country road will never be too simple for me to enjoy. and i know that two hands on my back and four-a.m. conversations are about all i could ever ask for.

june 27, 2000
last may 16 found me writing about the same person who is on my mind right now. that day's writing was actually for reasons similar to those about which i write today...you can say, some people never change. they just put masks on or take them off, as if they were in some kind of fitting room. this time, he played the part of my best friend..and for a while, that is what i saw in him. it was something i had thought would happen...someday...the two of us being the closest set of friends the world had ever seen. close enough that two states' worth of distance would mean nothing to us. and then one day, early in june, it had seemingly happened. our typed conversations extended past the usual "hey, what's up?" and into the long talks that only european soil could draw out of us before. soon, we were speaking of visiting for the first time in two years and catching up on all that we had done. it sounded wonderful to me, so exciting, and i could not wait to get in my car and head northward.
that is, until i found out -why- i was wanted to be up there. my friend is now a classic "true til college" ex-straightedge. in the past month, he has tried alcohol, weed, and lord knows what else. but there was one thing he hadn't tried yet, and he needed a volunteer to er, help him with it. there was one volunteer he wanted. and so then came swirls of endless sweet-talk, in green times new roman font, onto my instant messenger screen. and so i thought...god, he just wants to scrump. heh. and on top of that, it turned out that he was expecting me to drive 5 hours there and 5 hours back, all in one day. he had plans the next night, so i'd have to go home before then, he said. and never before has something been so painfully obvious to me. i thought again...yeah, scrump. and then send her home. whatever happened to hanging out with a good friend he had not seen in over two years? i guess that's not quite as important in that particular pair of eyes.
it angered me that someone would even think of trying to use his friend like this. so, i told him that everything was off..i would not be not coming up there in any capacity, ever. and he was totally oblivious as to why. he said i was scaring him. he said he was confused. just as back in may (when he had just basically told me how terrible of a musician i am, and that all my dreams are kinda, well, petty.) i can't tell if he's being a jerk on purpose or if he truly doesn't know that he is screwing someone over. it has been a dull headache all along, with each little occurance a jostling slap in the face. despite the fact that i don't like things to end, i can see this road crumbling in front of my feet. i'm tired, and it's not worth all this walking anymore.

june 25, 2000
a return to words.. the past ten days have taken me thousands of miles. my little white car turned 41,000 miles today as i delivered pizza, and a borrowed green car turned three thousand somewhere outside of orlando. our trip to florida was wonderful. we played three shows, one in sarasota, one in gainesville, and one in myrtle beach, south carolina. in sarasota, we walked a ways and found the gulf of mexico. then we walked some more and were in france eating bread out of a straw basket, and salad straight from the garden. i even have a sticker on my notebook to prove how much i liked that town. gainesville is home to an entire streetfull of punk rock! i could have sat for hours in the feminist bookstore, going through their box of pins. and i could eat at the gyro plus every day for a long time. the sidewalks there were beautiful for walking, too. the next morning, we awoke early to go to the islands of adventure theme park. usually i do not like theme parks too much, but this one was absolutely amazing! it was well worth the price of admission..something rare nowadays. everything in the park was created with such attention to detail, from the marvel comics city to the crazy world of dr. seuss. and when night fell, the clubs opened. their lights far outshined the ones of our hometown..all the stupid drunks in my classes would have had an absolute field day. we stood by and watched for a while before driving off into the blackness of the interstate highway. two state lines and a few hours later, we found ourselves in a familiar place..but this time, it looked brighter despite the looming thunderclouds. we ate at johnny rockets, because believe it or not, they serve veggie burgers! (they were killer, too..but expensive. eh, it was worth it though.) the show was awesome, with kids sitting on sofas and getting mellowed out, and then being made to scream..all in a little record store that felt more like a friend's home than anything. such an open place, with people that make you feel happy to be there. i hope these memories don't just fade into faint outlines..this trip was far too wonderful to lose anything to time.
right now there is a rainstorm making tapping noises on the roof. soo late at night, when i close my eyes it will chant me to sleep. peaceful raindrops and a typed reassurance translate into dreaminess, as my arms finally feel safe to drop down.

june 15, 2000
OH i love packing and going on trips! and that's exactly what i'm doing right now..eib is going to florida. getting everything ready is half the fun, too, when you're one of those people who is crazy about making lists and checking off everything. for some reason, putting stuff in my little brown bag and crossing it off on the list is very fun for me. i always end up forgetting something (or some*things* most of the time), so i guess those lists don't really serve their purpose. but i like them anyway. i sound like an absolute nut case..but everyone knows that anyway, after listening to me talk about the inexhaustable joy i receive from folding socks while listening to stacks of 7inches. florida is going to be hot and sticky and fun...can't wait to write about it.

june 10, 2000
officer down, seeking assistance.. someone...anyone......

june 8, 2000..part 2!
evenings in the summer are for delivering pizza and watching the sun fade through a -kinda- clean windshield. these are the most beautiful times, when one glance at anything is enough to wash your eyes away in wonder.
tonight i made forty-nine dollars and eighty-seven cents..SO very not bad for a thursday. i have never heard the words, "go ahead and keep the change," so much in such a short amount of time. and when i returned from my last delivery, a girl i know told me that i am the worst female driver she has ever seen.
but of course..that -is- how i got a job at pizza hut, isn't it? ; )

june 8, 2000
found some old notebooks and old friends..summers are for reminiscing. sometimes i wish the days and nights were much longer, and that i had much more paper and many more pens that actually worked.

june 6, 2000
something has been propelling me forward. maybe it was that song i heard in my car the other night on a skinny, dark road with two yellow lines. i turned it up and wailed with bright eyes, and passion spilled out from inside my mind. and since then the ground under my feet has turned squishy and the air has begun to speak of dreams, exciting, deep blue dreams. flashes of highway and countertops, where i sit resting on my elbows, staring and grinning at what i see.

june 3, 2000
tonight i made forty-eight dollars and seventy-seven cents. i scrubbed my car until it was shiny and bright white instead of dull gray. i saw the biggest bee i have ever laid eyes on. and i was hit with the truth that had been covered over with sweet caramel in my mind. in my thoughts, it carried the exciting shimmer of a beautiful song illuminating the thick night air. in real life, it seems as nothing but a cold business deal..would we shake hands afterwards, like the men in silk ties and gray suits do?
today i read too much into something, made facts out of mere hopes. and i didn't say the right things, much less anything that made much sense. and that which is real came crashing into my mind with such unbearable force, reminding me that i will never be what i wanted to be.