T h e V o l u n t a r y H u m a n E x t i n c t i o n M o v e m e n t ------------------------------------- A MiSTing by Jim Gadfly gadfly@angelfire.com Published August 5, 1999 8======8 8======8 8======8 8======8 8======8 8======8 8======8 [Season 10 opening images and theme.] ...o...2...3...4...5...6...* [Satellite of Love. Empty Bridge. After a few moments, Mike, Tom and Crow enter from the side chatting and take their places behind the console.] MIKE: Man, I couldn't believe that Pearl actually sent us a *good* movie. TOM: What, that shameless piece of fluff we just saw, _Runaway Bride_? Come on, Mike, you *liked* that cliched, predictable love story? Why, I could drive the satellite through some of those plot holes-- MIKE: Jeez, Tom, lighten up. What are you, possessed by the spirit of Gene Siskel? I thought it was a cute little film. CROW: Yeah, I could tell by the way you kept "shushing" me -- just for *talking*, this time, not for what I was *saying*. MIKE: Anyway, Tom, you've got to admit it was a lot better than the standard fare Pearl sends us. CROW: Especially those three-star Leonard Maltin "classics." TOM: Well, you've got me there. [The mads light begins flashing.] CROW: Ah, we're being hailed by one of those female archetypes that Richard Gere missed, the Evil Widow. MIKE: [Shushes him, then to us] Hello, Mrs. Forrester, and thanks for the movie! [Castle Forrester. Great Hall. Pearl stands with Bobo and Observer (holding his brain try) flanking her. All are looking at us. Pearl is smiling, but Observer has a somewhat annoyed look on his face.] PEARL: So, you think I was doing you a favor, Nelson? Actually, it's part of a new twist on the experiment: I show you something decent, and then turn around and send you something dreadful! This way I've raised you to a high from which to send you crashing down -- OBSERVER: Which is why I suggested you send them something *truly* classic like _Citizen Kane_ or _Casablanca_, not a silly little comedy like _Runaway Bride_. BOBO: Well, *I* liked it! Especially that hilarious scene where Julia Roberts imitates a duckbill platypus. [Bobo holds his hands up to his face and pinches either side of his mouth shut while trying to force his tongue out. Observer rolls his eyes and Pearl watches Bobo for a few seconds with growing irritation, then bops him hard on the chin.] BOBO: OW! MY TONGUE! [Exits picture, moaning, with his hands over his mouth.] PEARL: [Turning to Observer] I'll only say this once more, and get this through your thick -- [notices brain tray and checks herself, then] -- anyway, in *my* opinion, which may-I-remind-you is the only one that *counts* around here, it was a darned good film! OBSERVER: What, that that sappy, superficial chick flick-- PEARL: [With sudden concern] Oh-oh! Quick, you'd better give me that! [She reaches out for his brain tray.] OBSERVER: [Confused, yielding the brain tray] Why? What do-- [Pearl stomps on Observer's foot.] OBSERVER: YEOW! [He grabs his injured foot with both hands and begins hopping about on the other. This continues as Pearl returns her attention forward and addresses Mike and the 'bots.] PEARL: Anyway, guys, you remember the running "visualization" thing in the movie? Well, try this. Visualize ... Human ... Extinction. [SoL] ALL: [Look around at each other puzzled, then back at us.] HUH?! [CF] PEARL: [Smiling] That's the banner on one of the illustrations at the Voluntary Human Extinction Movement site. Although the author here is relatively polite and rational as compared to some of the ranting zealots you've reviewed, it's a cause that he's pretty "vehement" about. But you'll find that out soon enough as you browse the site's "About the Movement" page. Brain Guy? OBSERVER: [Still hopping about] Y-es Mad-am? PEARL: Page 'em. OBSERVER: Ver-y well Mad-am. [Still hopping, he moves his head about as "brain noise" plays, which warbles in time to his hops.] [SoL] CROW: Hey, Mike, what did the triceratops say to the stegosaurus as they watched that big growing light up in the sky? MIKE: What's that, Crow? [Alarms blare and lights flash.] CROW: WE'VE GOT EXTINCTION SIGN!! ALL: AHHHHH!!! *...6...5...4...3...2...o... [Theater. Mike enters, carrying Tom, followed by Crow. They take their usual seats.] >[http://www.vhemt.org/aboutvhemt.html] > > ABOUT THE MOVEMENT > > > Q: What is the Voluntary Human Extinction Movement? MIKE: Uhhh -- a movement to have humans voluntarily become extinct? TOM: Ah, that's just what they *want* you to think! > > VHEMT (pronounced vehement) is a movement not an > organization. CROW: Well, yeah, else its abbreviation would be "VHEON" and they'd blow their cute pronunciation. > It's a movement advanced by people who care about > life on planet Earth. TOM: Just not *human* life. > We're not just a bunch of misanthropes and > anti-social, Malthusian misfits, taking morbid delight whenever > disaster strikes humans. CROW: Their psychosis runs much *deeper* than that. MIKE: Come on, now, let's give this guy a fair hearing. The idea may not be as kooky as it sounds. > Nothing could be farther from the truth. TOM: Except maybe saying Bill Gates has no interest in controlling the Internet. MIKE: Or that Bill Clinton is the epitome of marital fidelity. CROW: Or that Jerry Falwell opposes any attempt to make the USA into a theocracy. > Voluntary human extinction is the humanitarian alternative to > human disasters. CROW: Kinda like the old "if a tree falls in the forest and nobody's there to hear it" type of thing. TOM: Actually, wouldn't it be more like clear-cutting the forest so that no trees would fall in the first place? MIKE: Maybe, but I don't think that this group would appreciate that particular analogy. > > We don't carry on about how the human race has shown itself to be > a greedy, amoral parasite on the once-healthy face of this planet. TOM: [As author] It *has*, of course, but we don't carry on about it. > That type of negativity offers no solution to the inexorable horrors > which human activity is causing. CROW: But they're not going to carry on about that. TOM: No, they're never, never negative. > > Rather, The Movement presents an encouraging alternative to the > callous exploitation and wholesale destruction of the Earth's > ecology. TOM: Which they're *still* not carrying on about. > > As VHEMT Volunteers know, the hopeful alternative to the > extinction of millions, possibly billions, MIKE: [As Carl Sagan] BILLIONS and BILLIONS -- > of species of plants and > animals is the voluntary extinction of one species: Homo sapiens... > us. MIKE: Well, that makes sen-- HEY! CROW: [As Coily] No humans! Heh-heh-heh-heh-heh-heh! [Whistles.] > > Each time another one of us decides to not add another one of us to > the burgeoning billions already squatting on this ravaged planet, TOM: But squatters have rights, too! > another ray of hope shines through the gloom. CROW: Like the headlight of an oncoming train. > > When every human chooses to stop breeding, Earth's biosphere > will be allowed to return to its former glory, and all remaining > creatures will be free to live, die, evolve (if they believe in > evolution), [All giggle.] MIKE: If *they* believe in evolution?! TOM: [As a reporter] Excuse me, Mr. Frog, do you believe in evolution, or do you hold with creation science? CROW: Ree-deep, Ree-deep. > and will perhaps pass away, TOM: Like old quarterbacks -- > as so many of Mother > Nature's "experiments" have done throughout the eons. CROW: What, Mother Nature has people trapped in some theater and forces *them* to watch bad movies, too? MIKE: Hey, they warned them not to try to fool her, man. > Good > health will be restored to the Earth's ecology... to the life form > known by many as Gaia. TOM: Wasn't that one of Gamera's opponents? CROW: No, you're thinking of Gaos. TOM: Oh. > > It's going to take all of us going. MIKE: Kinda like at a football stadium during halftime. > > Q: Are you really serious? CROW: Was Yahoo serious? > > We're really vehement. TOM: But are you *seriously* vehement? > > Many see humor in The Movement MIKE: Really? TOM: Who would do that? CROW: Don't look at me! > and think we can't be serious > about voluntary human extinction, CROW: Oh, man, I feel one serious Movement coming on. TOM: I told you to go before we entered the theater! > but in spite of the seriousness of > both situation and movement, there's room for humor. MIKE: Yep, and *this* is the room for it! > In fact, > without humor, Earth's condition gets unbearably depressing -- a > little levity eases the gravity. TOM: [Singing] We love to laugh, Loud and long and clear ... > > True, wildlife rapidly going extinct and 40,000 children dying each > day are not laughing matters, CROW: So stop laughing, you insensitive jerks! > but neither laughing nor bemoaning > will change what's happening. We may as well have some fun as > we work and play towards a better world. MIKE: [Singing, little girl voice] My name is Cindy, When I get married I'm going to have them Tie up my tubes ... > > Besides, returning Earth to its natural splendor and ending needless > suffering of humanity are happy thoughts -- TOM: So sprinkle me with fairy dust and point me to Neverland! > no sense moping > around in gloom and doom. CROW: [Singing] In my own little corner In my own little chair ... > > Q. Do Volunteers expect to be successful? MIKE: Not really. That's why they should hire professionals. > > VHEMT Volunteers are realistic. TOM: You know, there's something inherently oxy-moronic in that statement. > We know we'll never see the day > there are no human beings on the planet. CROW: Well, yeah, 'cause if there were human beings here to see it, then there would still be human beings on the planet. TOM: I think we came dangerously close to a Norman Loop there. > Ours is a long-range goal. MIKE: Like electing a female President of the United States. > > It has been suggested that there are only two chances of everyone > volunteering to save the planet: slim and none. The odds may be > against preserving life on Earth, but the decision to stop > reproducing is still the morally correct one. TOM: They've staked out the moral high ground here and they're going to defend it, dammit! > Indeed, the likelihood > of our failure to avoid the massive die off humanity is engineering > is a very good reason to not sentence another of us to life. CROW: You get the feeling that this is a "glass half-empty" type of group? > > Even if our chances of succeeding were only one in a hundred, we > would have to try. TOM: Do you think that this guy realizes that even one in a hundred is an extremely optimistic guess as to this group's chance of success? MIKE: Well, he *did* say it was a long-range goal. Maybe he's counting on the next generation of VHEMTists to build on what they've started. TOM: Uh, Mike ... MIKE: Oh! Ignore my last statement. > Giving up and allowing humanity to take its > course is unconscionable. CROW: [As Vizzini from _The Princess Bride_] It's inconceivable! TOM: Actually, yeah, that's the general idea. > There is far too much at stake. MIKE: As Dracula said to Van Helsing. > > The Movement may be considered a success each time one more > of us volunteers to breed no more. TOM: [As volunteer] I will breed no more forever. > > ... > > Q. Does VHEMT have any enemies? CROW: And how do we join them? > > After we've seen a few hundred TV dramas where the good guy > kicks the bad guy's butt, it's tempting to look at the real world with > this same knee jerk, zero-sum mentality. MIKE: That's because the knee jerk helps get leverage for the butt kick. > We might look for an > enemy to attack when championing our righteous cause, TOM: Well, that *is* the American Way. > but in > reality our enemy doesn't have a butt to kick. CROW: Rats. Does it at least have a groin to knee? > > In the end, the real "enemies" are human greed, ignorance, and > oppression. We can achieve more by promoting generosity, > awareness, and freedom than we can by vainly kicking at a buttless > foe. MIKE: Wow, sounds like our foe took his dieting a bit too far. > > Great progress will be made toward improving the quality of life > on Earth by countering greed with responsibility, ignorance with > education, and oppression with freedom. TOM: Totalitarianism with democracy, idiocy with intelligence, foolishness with wisdom, myopia with far-sightedness -- MIKE: Okay, okay, I think we've all got the gist here. > > Instead of meeting the bad guys in the street at high noon and > shooting it out, why not CROW: Ambush them on their way into town? > invite them into the saloon to work things > out? CROW: Oh. TOM: I wonder if this whole Movement was invented in a saloon. > > ... > > Q. What is the official position of VHEMT? TOM: Given their goal, it's probably not Missionary. > > Since the Voluntary Human Extinction Movement isn't alive with a > brain or a mouth, MIKE: Or even the sound of music -- > it can't take positions or have opinions. It can't > get into arguments, tell people what to do and think, nor get > punched for doing so. CROW: You know, it's pretty gosh-darn wishy-washy, when you think about it. > > Voluntary human extinction is simply a concept to be added to > existing belief systems, TOM: Oh, kinda like a belief system plug-in. > not a complex code of behavior to live by. > No committee of Movement shakers decides what position > everyone else should take. MIKE: Well, except for their yearly "Simon Says" tournament. > > Most Volunteers subscribe to the philosophy embodied in the > motto: "May we live long and die out," CROW: Hummmm -- somehow I still like the Vulcan motto better. > but if someone doesn't > want to live long that's their business. TOM: Them and Dr. Kevorkian. > Really, the only requirement > for being a VHEMT Volunteer is the decision to never add another > human being to the population. A couple could conceivably be > expecting and decide to become VHEMT. That new human would MIKE: Need Operation Rescue? > be the last one they produced. VHEMT Supporters are not > necessarily in favor of human extinction, CROW: Uhhh, then aren't they supporting the wrong group by definition? > but agree that no more of > us should be created at this time. TOM: Oh, kinda like the Republicans with immigration. > > Volunteers are so diverse in religious, political, and philosophical > views that it would be divisive to begin formulating official > Movement positions. Beware of dogmas. MIKE: Insert your favorite dogma/karma joke here. > We speak with our own > voices. CROW: Well, except for the ventriloquists among them. TOM: Don't you mean their dummies? CROW: Hey, I'm *trying* not to pass judgement on their mental abilities -- TOM: No, I mean their *ventriloquists'* dummies! CROW: Oh. I guess you're right. > > Q: When and how did VHEMT start? MIKE: Let me guess -- when the founder's girlfriend started bugging him about getting married and settling down? > > Roots of VHEMT run as deep as human history. Potential for a > voluntary human extinction movement has been around for as long > as humans have. TOM: Yeah. They almost got Adam and Eve to join, and brother, would *that* have made a difference! > > When Ice Age humans hunted animals to extinction, at least one of > the Neanderdunces CROW: Neanderdunces? TOM: Yeah, haven't you checked that chart lately? I believe they came just after Java Man. MIKE: Actually, I think Sun threatened to sue, so now he's just called JMan. > among them must have grunted in > bewilderment. MIKE: Kinda like Tim Allen. > As the Fertile Crescent became a barren desert, and > the Cedars of Lebanon were sacrificed for temples, someone must > have thought, "this bodes ill," or words to that effect. TOM: Well, not *exactly* those words, of course, since they didn't speak English back then. > > When the ancient Phoenicians created the Sahara by clearcutting > jungles to build ships, and Romans fueled their empire by > extracting resources from near and far, surely someone remarked, > "Humanus non gratis." CROW: Actually, it was probably more like "*Hvmanvs* non gratis." > SOMEONE had to get the idea that the > planet would be better off without this busy horde. MIKE: No, I think everybody was too busy hoarding stuff to pay that much attention. > > Someone, that is, besides the middle-eastern god, > Yahweh/Jehovah/Allah. TOM: Oh-oh, he called God by all three names, the Lord must *really* be in trouble now! > Tradition tells how, in prehistoric times, > this creator-god realized his mistake in making humans and was > going to flush us from the system, but in a weak moment he spared > one breeding family. Oops! TOM: Something tells me if this guy had been there he'd have taken a pickax to the bottom of the hull. CROW: Oh, come on, what insane idiot would -- uh, never mind. > > The situation today is critical, and any of us who thinks about it > long enough will come up with the same solution. We call The > Movement VHEMT, but it's undoubtedly been given other names > throughout history. CROW: Not all of them printable here. > > There must be thousands, if not millions, of people around the > world who are independently arriving at the same conclusion. A > large portion of today's Volunteers were vehement extinctionists > before they learned of VHEMT. TOM: Yeah, I think Tom Clancy just wrote a book about them. MIKE: Hey, that's not really fair. _Rainbow 6_ was about radical environmentalists who wanted to off people very INvoluntarily. CROW: That's right. This guy's proposing a kinder, gentler cataclysm. > > The true origins of The Movement can be found in the natural > abundance of love and logic within each one of us. MIKE: But if each one of us has a "natural abundance of love and logic" then how come as a species we've shown ourselves "to be a greedy, amoral parasite on the once-healthy face of this planet"? CROW: Well, did he mention that you're also inconsistent? > Our in-born > sense of justice guides us to make the responsible choice. TOM: And here we're *really* talking about FINAL justice. > > Q: Who is the founder? MIKE: George Washington? TOM: Odo? CROW: Joel Hodgson? MIKE: Joel *Hodgson*? Who's he? CROW: I don't know. The name just popped into my head and for some reason seemed to fit. > > No one person is the founder of VHEMT. CROW: Oh, then that was a trick question! > Les U. Knight gave the > name "Voluntary Human Extinction Movement" to a philosophy or > worldview which has existed for as long as humans have been > sapient. TOM: Or "saps" for short. > It's an awareness which has been arrived at independently > in many places throughout history. MIKE: As indicated earlier. > > Like millions of other people, Les followed a simple train of logic, TOM: Off the edge of a cliff -- > guided by love, and arrived at the conclusion that CROW: All men are created equal? > Gaia would be > better off without humans. TOM: Oh, so he doesn't think Gaia is capable of making her *own* decisions? CROW: Since when did Mother Nature get assigned to a nursing home, and when did she give this guy power of attorney? > > Although he has become known internationally as a spokesperson > for The Movement, no one can speak for all VHEMT Volunteers. > There is no official position on issues beyond what is implied in > the name of The Movement. MIKE: And, as they've already conceded, even *that* doesn't necessarily apply, at least for supporters. > > Q. We have children. Can we still join? CROW: [As author] Sure! We're a family-friendly group! > > Naturally. You won't be alone. TOM: Well, not quite *yet*, heh-heh. > When people gain the VHEMT > perspective, they decide to add no more to the existing human > family. They don't pressure their children to give them > grandchildren and might encourage them to make a responsible > choice with their fertility. MIKE: That choice being to "just say no." > > There is no reason to feel guilty about the past. Guilt doesn't lead > to positive solutions. Being VHEMT has nothing to do with the > past. It's the future of life on Earth that Volunteers want to > preserve. CROW: Well, *most* life, anyway. > > Today's children are tomorrow's destiny. Our children have the > potential for achieving the awareness needed to reverse > civilization's direction and begin restoring Earth's biosphere. Most > could use our help in realizing their full potentials. TOM: That's awful purdy, but I thought the whole goal of this movement was to *not* have those children who might "reverse civilization's direction and begin restoring Earth's biosphere." > > Q: Are some people opposed to VHEMT? MIKE: And are they *vehemently* opposed? > > At first glance, some people assume that VHEMT Volunteers and > Supporters must hate people and that we want everyone to commit > suicide or become victims of mass murder. CROW: [As Dalek drone] Exterminate! Exterminate! > It's easy to forget that > another way to bring about a reduction in our numbers is to simply > stop making more of us. Making babies seems to be a blind spot in > our outlooks on life. TOM: [Singing, as Stevie Wonder] Aren't they love-ly, Aren't they beau-t-ful ... > > The idea of all of us voluntarily refraining from procreation is > often dismissed without much consideration. Examples: > > -"People are going to have sex, you can't stop that." * MIKE: That's *not* what the abstentionists on the school boards claim. > -"It's a human instinct to breed." * CROW: [Singing] It's just a race that can't say no, Everyone oughtta get fixed ... > -"But I just love babies." * TOM: Well, except for Rosemary's. Now *there* was one instance where Planned Parenthood would have *really* been useful! > -"Some of us should reproduce because we're better than others." * MIKE: Man, I *hate* people who think they're better than others. CROW: Yeah, me too. Those people are such low-lifes. TOM: I'm glad that we're above such petty scum. > -"Humans are a part of Nature." * CROW: The same way Windows is a part of your software library. > -And so on. ALL: And so on, and so on -- > > However, if any of us thinks about the situation long enough, and > makes the effort to work through those socially-instilled blocks to > clear thinking, TOM: "Clear thinking" defined as thinking like these people do? MIKE: Of course! Do you know any group that *didn't* define it that way? TOM: Hummm. You've got a point. > we will arrive at virtually the same conclusion: we > should voluntarily phase ourselves out for the good of humanity > and planet. CROW: So *that's* what comes after Phase IV. > > VHEMT is naturally in opposition to involuntary extinction of any > species, as well as any efforts encouraging human extermination. > There are presently concerted efforts supporting both of these > horrors. For example: > > -Production and use of weapons. MIKE: Aha, I *knew* when that neanderdunce in _2001_ started swinging that bone-club that it'd eventually lead to mankind's destruction! > -Toxin production, such as petrochemical and nuclear. TOM: Oh-no, you got petrochemical all over my nuclear! CROW: Hey, You got nuclear all over my petrochemical! > -Exploitation of natural and human resources. MIKE: Actually, some prefer the term "wise use." > -Promotion of reproductive fascism. CROW: Like in _The Boys from Brazil_? MIKE: Uh, not *exactly*. > -And so on. ALL: And so on, and so on -- > > The above could be called the Terrorist Human Extermination > Movement (THEM), TOM: No, that acronym's already being used by an organization run by giant ants. > but that's labeling and encourages a "Them or > Us" attitude. TOM: And these guys might lose to the ants. > > VHEMT is opposed to what these people are doing, but it's > doubtful any would bother to return the favor. Really, there isn't > much point in opposing a voluntary movement which harms none > and benefits all. CROW: And is so far in left field that few take it seriously. > > Q. How does one become a member? > > Being VHEMT is a state of mind. MIKE: Right. Just keep thinking about baseball. > All you have to do to join is > make the choice to refrain from further reproduction. TOM: So if you work for Xerox or Kinkos, resign. > For some, > this is an easy decision to make. CROW: Like Pee Wee Herman, they've found workable alternatives. > For others, it's a moot issue. MIKE: Or it will be once they cancel their Viagra prescription. > But > for many, joining The Movement means making a monumental > personal sacrifice. CROW: I didn't know that that many people *had* personal monuments. > > The Voluntary Human Extinction Movement is not an organization > -- no membership dues go to officials in offices. TOM: No, they prefer to work out of their cars. > We are millions of > individuals, each doing what we feel is best. MIKE: [Singing] We are the world, Without more children -- > > Loosely, humans relate to VHEMT in one of three ways: CROW: Laughter, dismissal, or avoidance? > Volunteer, Supporter, and Potential Volunteer or Supporter. CROW: Oh. TOM: I think he missed "none of the above." > You > are invited to select the one which comes closest to your current > perspective on The Movement. MIKE: Are we allowed write-ins? > > VHEMT Volunteer: "All of us should voluntarily refrain from > reproducing further, bringing about CROW: The collapse of the photocopy industry. TOM: Which leads to the downfall of bureaucracies everywhere. CROW: Hey, this Movement *does* have an up-side! > the eventual extinction of > Homo sapiens." CROW: Oh. Well, that works, too. MIKE: Hey! > > VHEMT Supporter: "Intentional creation of one more of us by any > of us is unjustifiable at this time, but extinction of our species goes > too far." TOM: So these would actually be for a Voluntary Human *Reduction* Movement, or VHRMT, pronounced "Vahrment." > > Potential VHEMT Volunteer or Supporter: "Stop trying to put > words in my mouth. Maybe I agree, maybe I disagree, and maybe > I'd like to know a little more about it before I decide." MIKE: Hey, I've got a part of a Milky Way bar here, you guys want to share it? CROW: Stop trying to put food in my mouth! Maybe I want it, maybe I don't. Maybe I need to know if you have a cold or are suffering from some other contagion -- MIKE: Oh, just forget it! > > > These EXIT Times > > "The vehement voice of the Voluntary Human Extinction > Movement." TOM: But I thought the guy said they speak with their "own voices." > > Offers items of interest to VHEMT Volunteers, Supporters, and > Potential Volunteers in paper form. CROW: What, all these volunteers and supporters are just made out of paper? MIKE: So *that's* how he's able to claim millions of adherents! > > Back issues of These EXIT Times: > > Issue number One: Still serves as a basic all-purpose introduction > to VHEMT. TOM: Not to mention it's *great* for lining birdcages! > January 1991, 12 pages, two copies for $1. MIKE: *Two* copies? Aren't we being a bit wasteful with paper, hummmmmmm? > > Issue number Two: Letters from readers reassure those who felt > alone in their vehemence. A good follow-up to number one. July > 1992, 20 pages, $1. CROW: Of course, after hanging around Usenet for a while, you come to realize that *no* idea, however profound *or* kooky, is without a core group of supporters. > > Issue number Three: Was not printed in order to save trees. TOM: Oh, that's cute. CROW: So I guess that makes up for the extraneous copies of number one? MIKE: You know, I tried that "saving the trees" excuse on my biology teacher once on why I didn't do my term paper. She didn't buy it either. > 1993, > zero pages, out of print. CROW: Wait a minute -- how can something be out of print if it were never printed to begin with? TOM: Oh, that's easy. The hard part would be to keep it *in* print if you never printed it. > > Issue number Four: Printed on paper saved by eliminating number > Three. [All three guffaw.] MIKE: Whoever thought of *that* really ought to get a job on some politician's staff. CROW: So I guess we're still in arrears for the extra copies of issue one? TOM: No, we've got two copies of one, one copy of two, no copies of three, and one copy of four, so it all evens out. > Discussion of deeper issues related to VHEMT. Graphics > by Nina Paley. CROW: Oh, goodie! Any pictures of Captain Planet? > August 1994, 16 pages, $1. TOM: If you want, you can send them that dollar bill you *would* have used to pay for issue three to save even *more* paper. > > Insert from the Earth First! Journal. MIKE: Ah yes, Earth First, the group whose web site bombards you with such intellectually stimulating exhortations as "DEVELOPERS GO BUILD IN HELL." > Designed for readers who > consider themselves environmentally aware. TOM: Saying Earth First is "environmentally aware" is like saying the Taliban recognizes patriarchal traditions. > Some reprints of > articles from previous editions. CROW: These guys believe in recycling *everything.* > A visually more impressive > introduction to VHEMT than number One, but has a more Earth- > centered approach. MIKE: Jeez, any more Earth-centered and you'd be in Satan's septic tank. > February 1995, four legal-sized pages, free > copy for a self-addressed stamped long envelope. TOM: How long do they want it? CROW: Oh, long enough to stuff it and send it back. TOM: D'ohhh! > > Bumper stickers: "Thank you for not breeding" and "May we live > long and die out" $2 each. CROW: These are particularly useful for young childless ladies who want to drop subtle hints to their nagging mother-in-laws. > > Order from, and checks to: > Les U. Knight > P.O. Box 86646 > Portland OR 97286-0646 > NORTH AMERICA MIKE: Ah, this will avoid confusion with the Portland, Oregon in *South* America. > > Latest About The Movement > > The VHEMT web site has been available to visitors since July > 1996. A growing number of people all over the globe are visiting > these pages, averaging about 120 per day in 1998. The site was > redesigned and udpated in October 1998. CROW: In an attempt to discourage the traffic? > > Response has been mixed, naturally. TOM: That's right, no artificial mixtures at *this* web site! > Negative responses are > usually the results of misunderstandings, so simple clarification > resolves them. CROW: I think "simple" is the operative word here. > Positive responses usually come from those who > were already vehement about preserving life on Earth. MIKE: So I guess that's a nice way to say that the site isn't very persuasive. > > A major goal of our web site is to advance the population- > awareness movement, which seems to have become stuck, and > may have slipped back to the pre-ZPG, Inc. level. CROW: What, ZPG is a corporation now? TOM: Yeah. Actually, they're a subsidiary; Disney bought them out a few months ago. Rumors are they plan to dismatle it. > The more > progressive population awareness groups advocate a one-child > average and two maximum, but few, if any, dare to advocate zero > procreation. TOM: The cowardly fools insist on trying to maintain a modicum of credibility. > > Far too many seem to think only of hungry masses in other > countries when excessive human population comes to mind. Others > appear to be more interested in stopping people from moving into > their particular nation-state or bioregion, than in dealing with their > own contributions to our growing numbers. CROW: [Falsetto] Honey, there are some VHEMT supporters moving in next door! MIKE: [Deep, gruff voice] Ah, Jeez, there goes the bioregion. > > An online list for VHEMT Volunteers and Supporters to share and > discuss ideas related to voluntary human extinction is going strong. MIKE: That's 'cause it takes organic dietary supplements and works out. > To find out how to subscribe, click here. > > If you have unanswered questions after reading the pieces posted > here, or would care to comment on anything, please feel free to > contact me. > > Les U. Knight TOM: That's very noble of Mr. Knight, but I think we're just about commented out. > > Q. Where do I get more information about human population > issues? > > KZPG CROW: Definitely a NON-pop station. > > VHEMT links page MIKE: Please, don't give Pearl any more ideas. > > [© (Copyright) 1996 Les U. Knight. www.vhemt.org.] TOM: All right! That looks like a sign for our Exit Time. CROW: Yep, and I say we advance a Movement outta here. MIKE: I couldn't agree more vehemently with the both of you. [Mike picks up Tom and they all exit the theater.] ...o...2...3...4...5...6...* [SoL. Bridge. Mike, Tom and Crow stand behind the console.] CROW: So, Mike, as the lone human here, what did you think of this voluntary extinction thing? MIKE: You know, I've seen worse. I mean, the guy was pretty pissed at what he felt humans had done to the earth, and I thought he went over the top there, but he wasn't racist or go on about some wild conspiracy theory or launch into some divine retribution rant, or suggest people do themselves in. TOM: So you agree with him? MIKE: Oh, I didn't say *that*. I think he's selling mankind a bit short. Besides, even if I did agree, and with due respect to Mr. Knight, I don't think his plan has any chance of working. CROW: Well, it doesn't really matter for you, does it? MIKE: What do you mean by that? CROW: I mean, well, here you are, stuck up here on this satellite, from which you'll probably never escape alive, as the only human occupant. So whether you agree or disagree is kinda academic, since you'll never get a chance to increase the surplus population anyway, if you get my drift. MIKE: Yeah, well, uhhh -- [He begins to shift uncomfortably.] TOM: In fact, Mike, it might make you feel better to think of yourself as a VHEMT volunteer. This will help you view your enforced perpetual chastity and death of your bloodline, not as the tragic result of your pathetic victimization, but rather as a noble sacrifice in the service of a cause greater than yourself. MIKE: [Fully depressed now] Thanks a lot, guys. I, uh, think I'll go shave now. My wrists are feeling a bit hairy. [He wanders slowly out of the picture.] CROW: Gee, what's wrong with *him*? TOM: Who knows? You know how these humans are with their weird mood swings. CROW: Yeah. [Chuckles, then] Humans! Can't live with them, can't live ... hummmm. TOM: [Thoughtfully] "Visualize Human Extinction." TOM & CROW: Hummmmmmmm. [Each stares off to the side in contemplation.] [CF. Pearl stands between Bobo and Observer. She is holding a clipboard in one hand and a pencil in the other.] PEARL: Excellent result! Excellent! [Pearl looks down at her clipboard and starts scribbling on it. Meanwhile, Observer and Bobo get far-away looks in their eyes.] OBSERVER: [Thoughtfully] "Visualize Human Extinction." BOBO & OBSERVER: Hummmmmmmm. Observer shares a conspiratorial look with Bobo, and then they shift their gaze to Pearl. Bobo rubs his hands together as Observer smiles evilly. PEARL: [Still scribbling on the clipboard, without looking up] Don't even THINK about it. [Observer and Bobo sigh in disappointment and look away.] [Fade out. Roll credits and play closing theme.] 8======8 8======8 8======8 8======8 8======8 8======8 8======8 8======8 | | | As per http://www.vhemt.org/citation.html | | | | "Not-for-profit re-use of any material available at this web | | site is hereby permitted, under the following conditions: | | | | For electronic reproduction, please include: | | | | '© [Copyright] 1996 Les U. Knight. www.vhemt.org.'" | | ... | |---------------------------------------------------------------------| | Mystery Science Theater 3000 and its associated characters | | and situations are the property of and trademarks of Best | | Brains, Inc. In no way should this MiSTing be construed to | | be an infringement on those rights. All rights reserved. | | Use of copyrighted and trademarked material is for entertainment | | purposes only; no infringement on the original copyrights or trade- | | marks held by Best Brains, Inc. is intended or should be inferred. | | This work is a satire and not intended as a personal attack upon | | the original author(s) or other persons or characters presented, | | and is meant only as entertainment and commentary. | | | 8======8 8======8 8======8 8======8 8======8 8======8 8======8 8======8 > Issue number Three: Was not printed in order to save trees. 1993, > zero pages, out of print. > > Issue number Four: Printed on paper saved by eliminating number > Three.