=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-= T H E B O O K O F J O E L =-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-= Originally by God (as told to Joel, son of Pethuel) MiSTed version by Joe Blevins e-mail: joeblev@concentric.net (please don't smite me) =-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-= with the short: "God Angels And Miracles" =-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-= [PRE-CREDITS SEQUENCE: A NONDESCRIPT SOUNDSTAGE] [The "fast-talker" guy from the 1980s Federal Express commercials steps in front of the camera, takes a deep breath, and begins speaking in an amazing rapid-fire monotone.] GUY: This is Joe Blevins' second season premiere of MUT3K. In case you missed the last episode, "The Penguin's Withdrawal," here's what happened in a nutshell: Pearl went broke, lost the castle, moved into a condo, and sold Bobo. She couldn't keep the experiment going, so she put Mike and the 'bots into suspended animation chambers, but Brain Guy hooked them up wrong and blew a fuse, and it looked like our heroes were dead meat. Meanwhile, Bobo had been discovered by a talent scout and had become some big-shot movie star. Get it? Got it? Good. [The fast-talker, exhausted, gasps for breath.] ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ [ROLL THEME SONG & CREDITS] [Guitar twang] [Dog bone, 6, 5, 4, 3, 2, *] [SATELLITE OF LOVE - BRIDGE] [The bridge is dark. The suspended animation chambers are inactive. Suddenly, we hear harp music. Ghostly images of Mike, Crow, Tom, and Gypsy emerge from the chambers. They look around, utterly confused. A strong white light beams down on them from above. Fog rolls in.] TOM: ...the hell? CROW: What in the name of Mitzi Gaynor is going on here? MIKE: Guys, I... I think we're dead. TOM: How, exactly, did you arrive at that conclusion? MIKE: Well, for one thing, we're translucent and bathed in white light and clouds. We're floating outside our own bodies, for crying out loud! TOM: Really? I hadn't noticed. MIKE: Look around you, Tom. [He does.] TOM: Well, what do you know? We *are* dead! Go figure. GYPSY: I can see my own body! Neat! Hi, body! CROW: Not to be a spoilsport here, guys, but I think we should check this out to be sure. MIKE: Check it out with WHO? TOM: Please, Mike, it's "with whom." MIKE: Check it out with WHOM? CROW: With God, of course! MIKE: Oh, right. God. [calling] Are you there, God? It's me, Mike Nelson. [We hear a disembodied voice -- friendly, casual, not at all imposing.] GOD: Yell-o. This is God speaking. What can I do ya for? MIKE: [after a pause] Uh, God... are we... you know, dead? GOD: Hmmmmm.... Well, it's kinda complicated. TOM: Complicated? GOD: Yeah. I'll explain it after we get back from the commercial break. MIKE: Oh... okay. I guess we'll be r-- GOD: Please, Mike, let me say it. MIKE: Sure, God. Take it away. GOD: We'll be right back. [pause] How was that? CROW: Great! TOM: Perfect! GYPSY: Really very nice. GOD: You're not just saying that, are you? ALL: [shaking their heads] No! [COMMERCIAL BREAK] [SATELLITE OF LOVE - BRIDGE] [Mike and the 'bots are still in ghostly form, chatting with God.] MIKE: So, God, what's the deal? Are we dead or...? GOD: Well, like I said, it's complicated. See, right now, you're in a state of limbo. I haven't really decided what I want to do with you guys yet. I'd let you enter the kingdom of Heaven, but it's really a lot of paperwork, and we've got a backlog as it is. How 'bout this: I'll put you guys through another experiment, and if I like what I hear, you're in. If not... CROW: ...You'll send us to H-E-double-hockey-sticks? GOD: Nah. Keeping you alive on this Satellite seems like punish- ment enough. Does that seem fair to you? MIKE: I guess so. Are you sending us a movie? Something with Charlton Heston, maybe? GOD: Oh, no. Nothing that cruel. I'm going to send you one of my lesser-known books of the Bible. Maybe you guys can "punch it up" a bit with your quips. MIKE: Which book? GOD: Joel. MIKE: No, he left. I'm Mike. GOD: [testy] I *know* he left, you nimrod! I'm sending you the BOOK of Joel! And to get you in the mood, I'm including a little spam-lette called "God Angels And Miracles." [The white light flashes on and off. We hear a choir of angels repeatedly singing a staccato note -- a celestial siren, if you will.] ALL: Ahhhhh, we got RELIGION sign! [SATELLITE OF LOVE - THEATER] [Mike and the 'bots enter and take their seats.] TOM: What *is* a "God Angel," anyway? MIKE: It's someone who sponsors an angel, like a godfather. > > Subject: God Angels And Miracles CROW: Not to be confused with Smokey Robinson and the Miracles. > Date: 1/12/99 3:21:25 AM Pacific Daylight Time TOM: It's 3 am. Do you know where your cherubim and seraphim are? > From: > To: aweisler@home.com MIKE: Why doesn't "aweisler" just cut out the middle man and mail this spam to himself? > > ___________________________________________________________ > This Message was Composed by a user of Extractor Pro '98 Bulk E-Mail > Software. CROW: So were John Grisham's last three novels. > If you wish to be removed from this advertiser's future > mailings, TOM: So God's in the ad game now, eh? > please reply with the subject "Remove" and this software > will automatically block you from their future mailings. MIKE: Can't I just *pray* for you take my name off your mailing lists? > > > To all those who wish toknow about REAL & TRUE miracles > andof GOD.. CROW: And to those about to rock... TOM: This typisthas a tendencyto run wordstogether. > > It is said that unless you can tell theworld > of the things that God has donefor you, MIKE: He'll make sure the room you get in Heaven is right next to the noisy ice machine. > and > of the Miracles, CROW: And of the Temptations. > TRUE& Real Miracles which > you have had fromGod, Then don't Preach > or Brag about him. TOM: "Then," "preach," and "brag" get capitalized, but *not* God's pronouns? > Well toall the people > who want to know, I cantell you it is true > indeed. MIKE: Did you spill Orange Crush on the keyboard? Use the damned spacebar! It won't bite! > I can tell you thatthere is a REAL > God, CROW: Not like that FAKE God all the suckers are praying to. > and Miracles,real Miracles & Angels, > which Ihave had everyday of my life. TOM: Why just this morning, I found thirty cents in the couch! > The story, TrueStory about myself & what > God has done for me. MIKE: This is the true story... of one deity... picked to reign supreme over all things... and have His life taped... > A (Tragic) &(Trauma) that > happened to me on December16th. 1994 CROW: Sheesh! E.E. Cummings' punctuation wasn't this erratic! > & how > I came to Godand found out 100% he was > There & Real. TOM: Samuel Beckett's "Waiting For Godand." > I can promise youthis, When you > hear what happened to me thatyear and where > I am today, MIKE: I can only assume you're behind the counter at a Stuckey's somewhere. > you will never doubt, not everthat > there is a God. CROW: Of course there's a God. We just talked to Him a few minutes ago! > Your life will changeforever > as mine has. TOM: Uh, I don't think I want my life to change the way yours has. > My story will bring tearsto your > eyes perhaps even make you cry, MIKE: Aren't those kinda the same thing? > because youwill > find it to be unbelievable! but Trust me,its TRUE. CROW: After all, would a spammer lie to you? > There are people in the world that don'tsurvive > what I have gone through, TOM: Yeah, those frontal lobotomies *can* be tough. > And if they did, itis > a sure thing that they themselves cantell you > how true this story really is. MIKE: Unless they've been sworn to secrecy by the Grand High Master. > I cantell you > Ladies, Gentlemen & Children,Teenagers and > Criminals, [Mike, Tom, and Crow all have a hearty laugh at this line.] CROW: Teenagers *and* criminals? Isn't that redundant? > no matter what walk of life,let me > tell you this. TOM: One word -- plastics. > I will never turn away fromGod, > My Saviour. MIKE: But what if God wanted to turn away from YOU? > My Story Changed many peopleslives > already, CROW: By driving them to suicide. > especially those who knew me, and of me. > They were in total shock, TOM: They thought I'd *never* get out of that institution. > and Now they Believe& > so will you. MIKE: You Will Believe a Man Can Fly! > Never ever have doubts about God, CROW: He tends to frown on that kind of thing. > He > was there for me, and he will be there for you also. TOM: This isn't theology! It's the "Friends" theme song! > My Name Is Wanda, Iam 47 years old. MIKE: [as Wanda] And I am an alcoholic. ALL: Hi Wanda! CROW: Why did she wait til the END of the message to introduce herself? > > To find out how God dramatically changed mylife, TOM: But that was Billy Joel's best song! > Please Send a Cheque MIKE: "Cheque" with a q? This isn't even AMERICAN spam! > or Money Order for$10.00 > In order to cover the cost of printingand My > time to mail myincredible story to you. CROW: I'd rather she spent the money on typing lessons. > > Don't ForgetYour Return Address. TOM: I won't. Thanks for your concern. > > Please Allow 2weeks for Cheques to Clear. MIKE: And another 6 weeks for me to change my name and address. > > Send Cheque or Money Order for $10.00 > C/O Andy Weisler CROW: Wait a minute! I thought you said your name was Wanda! > 90 Winston Blvd. > Cambridge, Ontario. TOM: So... this Spam is Canadian Bacon! > Canada > N3C-1L6 > MIKE: Canada -- our vicious, hurtful neighbor to the North. CROW: Maybe we should rethink that whole "longest unprotected border in the world" thing. > > aweisler@home.com > TOM: What a coincidence! My address is dontbotherme@home.com! MIKE: I can't believe these spammers got a personal endorsement from God. He'll put his name on ANYTHING. TOM: Yeah, speaking of which, here comes the main feature... > > > T H E B O O K O F J O E L > CROW: Hey! Joel wrote a book after he left! Good for him. > > > Chapter 1 MIKE: Last night, I dreamt I went to Nazareth again. > > 1:1 The word of the LORD that came to Joel the son of Pethuel. TOM: The Lord told him, "Ye shall be a sleepy-eyed prop comic." > 1:2 Hear this, ye old men, and give ear, CROW: "Matlock" is on in five minutes. > all ye inhabitants of the > land. Hath this been in your days, or even in the days of your > fathers? MIKE: Or was it on "Days of Our Lives?" > 1:3 Tell ye your children of it, TOM: If ye do not talk to your children about marijuana, who will? > and let your children tell their > children, and their children another generation. CROW: Or just post it on the Internet and... oh, wait. They didn't have the Internet back then. > 1:4 That which the palmerworm hath left hath the locust eaten; MIKE: Yuck. Imagine eating something actually *passed up* by a palmerworm. > and > that which the locust hath left hath the cankerworm eaten; TOM: Oh, so filth and excrement suddenly aren't good enough for you, Mr. Gourmet Locust? > and > that which the cankerworm hath left hath the caterpillar eaten. CROW: And anything left after that hath Dom DeLuise eaten. > 1:5 Awake, ye drunkards, and weep; MIKE: It's closing time. Ye do not have to go home, but ye cannot stay here. > and howl, all ye drinkers of > wine, because of the new wine, for it is cut off from your > mouth. TOM: Are you getting this, Otis? > 1:6 For a nation is come up upon my land, strong, and without > number, CROW: It just wants to borrow a cup of sugar. > whose teeth are the teeth of a lion, and he hath the > cheek teeth of a great lion. MIKE: But he hath the physique of a choreographer. > 1:7 He hath laid my vine waste, and barked my fig tree: TOM: He hath thrown eggs at my house and soaped my windows. > he hath > made it clean bare, and cast it away; the branches thereof are > made white. CROW: Oh... you've been TP'd. > 1:8 Lament like a virgin girded with sackcloth for the husband of > her youth. MIKE: Nothing ruins a honeymoon like sackcloth lingerie. TOM: [sings] Like a virgin... Girded with sackcloth for the very first time... > 1:9 The meat offering and the drink offering is cut off from the > house of the LORD; CROW: And there's no breakfast served after 10:30 either. > the priests, the LORD'S ministers, mourn. MIKE: Just because "Father Dowling Mysteries" was canceled? > 1:10 The field is wasted, TOM: [stoner voice] Totally wasted. > the land mourneth; for the corn is wasted: CROW: Man, *everybody's* wasted in this book! > the new wine is dried up, the oil languisheth. MIKE: Why doesn't the oil get off its ass and get a job? > 1:11 Be ye ashamed, O ye husbandmen; TOM: For ye have forgotten your wives' birthdays. > howl, O ye vinedressers, for > the wheat and for the barley; CROW: And the hops. > because the harvest of the field > is perished. MIKE: Should've used Miracle Grow. > 1:12 The vine is dried up, and the fig tree languisheth; TOM: Okay, God, we got it already! Things pretty much stink! > the > pomegranate tree, the palm tree also, and the apple tree, even > all the trees of the field, are withered: CROW: Now this is just overkill, God. MIKE: God needs a good editor. > because joy is > withered away from the sons of men. TOM: And all this because of Michael Jordan's retirement. > 1:13 Gird yourselves, and lament, ye priests: ALL: [as priests] We're ALREADY lamenting! > howl, ye ministers of > the altar: come, lie all night in sackcloth, ye ministers of my > God: CROW: This sounds vaguely kinky. Not to mention itchy. > for the meat offering and the drink offering is withholden > from the house of your God. MIKE: No problem. We've still got Tater Tots and Mr. Pibb. > 1:14 Sanctify ye a fast, call a solemn assembly, TOM: Yoo hoo! Solemn assembly! Over here! > gather the elders > and all the inhabitants of the land into the house of the LORD > your God, and cry unto the LORD. CROW: Gee, that sounds great, but I think I'll go to a movie instead. > 1:15 Alas for the day! MIKE: When Bruce married Demi. > for the day of the LORD is at hand, and as a > destruction from the Almighty shall it come. TOM: What nerve! You'd think God would at least *call* first. > 1:16 Is not the meat cut off before our eyes, CROW: Cut off? Ouch! That's gotta hurt! > yea, joy and gladness > from the house of our God? MIKE: Or at least from the House of Style. TOM: Or the House of Pancakes. CROW: Or the House of the Rising Sun. > 1:17 The seed is rotten under their clods, the garners are laid > desolate, TOM: Especially James Garner. > the barns are broken down; for the corn is withered. CROW: This is like a depressing episode of "Hee Haw." > 1:18 How do the beasts groan! the herds of cattle are perplexed, > because they have no pasture; MIKE: They're just wandering around Manhattan now, asking for directions. > yea, the flocks of sheep are made > desolate. TOM: Desolate but delicious. > 1:19 O LORD, to thee will I cry: CROW: Don't you think God has *better* things to do than listen to you complain? > for the fire hath devoured the > pastures of the wilderness, and the flame hath burned all the > trees of the field MIKE: Left Eye Lopez must've broken up with another boyfriend. > 1:20 The beasts of the field cry also unto thee: for the rivers of > waters are dried up, TOM: But the rivers of mucous are still overflowing. > and the fire hath devoured the pastures of > the wilderness. CROW: No disrespect, but is God a secret pyromaniac or something? TOM: Maybe He's just a careless smoker. MIKE: C'mon, guys, let's get out of here. [They get up to leave.] CROW: I'm starting to see why the Book of Joel is one of the more obscure books of the Bible. TOM: Hey, God's a prolific author. They can't all be gems. [*, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, Dog bone] [SATELLITE OF LOVE - BRIDGE] [The suspended animation chambers are gone, and the console has been returned. Mike, Tom, and Crow enter and are pleasantly surprised. They are still in ghostly, translucent form.] CROW: Hey! Look at this place! Those stupid cigar tubes are finally gone! MIKE: And the console is back. TOM: God must have fixed this place up while we were in the theater. [calling] Thank you, God! [We hear the voice of God again.] GOD: No problem. It was nothing, really... what with me being omnipotent and all. MIKE: We really appreciate having our furniture back. While you're at it, do you think we could maybe check in with Pearl? I hate to be a bother, but... GOD: Think nothing of it. Here you go. [CONDO FORRESTER - MODEST KITCHEN-ETTE] [Pearl is alone at the breakfast table. Dozens of dirty plates are stacked in front of her. There are more in the sink. We see a small transistor radio on a counter behind her. It's playing innocuous bossa nova music.] PEARL: [looking up] Oh, hey, Nelson. You're alive. Whaddyaknow? Look... sorry that whole "super-marionation" thing didn't work out too well. [SATELLITE OF LOVE - BRIDGE] MIKE: If you mean the suspended animation chambers, we forgive you, Pearl. CROW: We do? TOM: I don't. [CONDO FORRESTER - MODEST KITCHENETTE] PEARL: Say, you guys look different. Did you color your hair? Lose weight? Gain weight? [SATELLITE OF LOVE - BRIDGE] MIKE: No, nothing like that. We're transparent right now because we're having out-of-body experiences. We have literally heard the voice of God and... [CONDO FORRESTER - MODEST KITCHENETTE] PEARL: [blasé] Yeah, yeah. Whatever. Listen, Brain Guy's not here right now. He's off working as a magician at some kid's 8th birthday party, but when he gets back, let's... [Suddenly, the bossa nova music stops. We hear a radio announcer.] ANNOUNCER: We interrupt "Afternoon Melodies" to bring you this late-breaking news bulletin. Actor-writer-director Professor Bobo, the beloved Hollywood star known to millions simply as "Ol' Red Butt," has disappeared! [A dramatic close-up of Pearl's shocked expression at this news.] [SATELLITE OF LOVE - BRIDGE] [Mike and the 'bots are shocked, too.] MIKE: This is disastrous! TOM: This is catastrophic! CROW: This is... well, it's not good! [Celestial light and heavenly "siren" as before.] MIKE: This is even worse! ALL: We got Bible sign!!! [Dog bone, 6, 5, 4, 3, 2, *] [SATELLITE OF LOVE - THEATER] [Mike and the 'bots enter and take their seats.] CROW: Gee, I hope Bobo's okay. TOM: Concerned for his safety, huh? CROW: You bet I am! Now that he's rich, I'm hoping to hit him up for a fellowship grant or something. > > Chapter 2 MIKE: Is this where he sends his infant son to Earth because Krypton is going to blow up? TOM: No, you're thinking of the Book of Jor-El. > > 2:1 Blow ye the trumpet in Zion, and sound an alarm in my holy > mountain: CROW: Or just set the clock radio, and... Oh wait. It's still Biblical times. Never mind. > let all the inhabitants of the land tremble: for the > day of the LORD cometh, for it is nigh at hand; MIKE: Pencil it in your Franklin Day Planners. > 2:2 A day of darkness and of gloominess, a day of clouds and of > thick darkness, TOM: I think this is the Book of Eeyore. > as the morning spread upon the mountains: a > great people and a strong; CROW: And a strong WHAT? TOM: Two great people and a strong dog. > there hath not been ever the like, > neither shall be any more after it, even to the years of many > generations. MIKE: This time, they've *really* gone "Beyond the Valley of the Dolls." This is not a sequel. There has never been ANYTHING like it. > 2:3 A fire devoureth before them; and behind them a flame burneth: TOM: There's that "pyromania" theme again. > the land is as the garden of Eden before them, and behind them > a desolate wilderness; yea, and nothing shall escape them. CROW: The Book of Joel is kind of a bringdown, isn't it? > 2:4 The appearance of them is as the appearance of horses; MIKE: He must be talking about the British royal family. > and as > horsemen, so shall they run. TOM: Like scared little girls. > 2:5 Like the noise of chariots on the tops of mountains shall they > leap, CROW: God needs to work on writing simpler similes. > like the noise of a flame of fire that devoureth the > stubble, as a strong people set in battle array. MIKE: Devoureth the stubble? That sounds like a fancy term for shaving with an electric razor. > 2:6 Before their face the people shall be much pained: all faces > shall gather blackness. TOM: This was before blackface was politically incorrect. > 2:7 They shall run like mighty men; CROW: And fly like Mighty Mouse. > they shall climb the wall like > men of war; MIKE: They shall play "Down Under" like Men at Work. > and they shall march every one on his ways, and they > shall not break their ranks: TOM: Oh, it's a Pride Parade. > 2:8 Neither shall one thrust another; CROW: Nope, it's *not* a Pride Parade. > they shall walk every one in > his path: and when they fall upon the sword, they shall not be > wounded MIKE: They shall merely be killed. > 2:9 They shall run to and fro in the city; TOM: They should get a map from the Tourism Bureau. > they shall run upon the > wall, they shall climb up upon the houses; they shall enter in > at the windows like a thief. CROW: Whoever "they" are, they need Ritalin. > 2:10 The earth shall quake before them; the heavens shall tremble: MIKE: The Jell-O shall wobble around a little. > the sun and the moon shall be dark, and the stars shall > withdraw their shining: TOM: Uh oh. God didn't pay His light bill. > 2:11 And the LORD shall utter His voice before His army: CROW: [as God] So, anyone here from out of town? > for His > camp is very great: MIKE: He's a regular Oscar Wilde. > for he is strong that executeth His word: > for the day of the LORD is great and very terrible; TOM: So which is it? Great or terrible? MIKE: [squeaky voice] Oh, very good but very mysterious. > and who > can abide it? CROW: And who can afford it? > 2:12 Therefore also now, saith the LORD, MIKE: Showeth me the money. TOM: Don't goeth there. CROW: Talketh to the hand. > turn ye even to me with > all your heart, and with fasting, and with weeping, and with > mourning: MIKE: I'd rather turn to you with singing and dancing. > 2:13 And rend your heart, and not your garments, and turn unto the > LORD your God: TOM: So don't loan God your sweater. > for He is gracious and merciful, slow to anger, > and of great kindness, and repenteth him of the evil. CROW: He's an omnipotent Ward Cleaver. > 2:14 Who knoweth if He will return and repent, and leave a blessing > behind Him; MIKE: Tune in next time and find out! > even a meat offering and a drink offering unto the > LORD your God? TOM: God's a real glutton. > 2:15 Blow the trumpet in Zion, sanctify a fast, call a solemn > assembly: ALL: We already *did* all that! > 2:16 Gather the people, sanctify the congregation, assemble the > elders, CROW: Get Elton John and Billy Joel. > gather the children, and those that suck the breasts: MIKE: They're called "congressmen." > let the bridegroom go forth of his chamber, and the bride out > of her closet. TOM: Uh, if the bride's been in the closet, I don't think the marriage is going to work out. > 2:17 Let the priests, the ministers of the LORD, weep between the > porch and the altar, CROW: Jimmy Swaggart took this verse *way* too literally. > and let them say, Spare thy people, O > LORD, and give not thine heritage to reproach, that the heathen > should rule over them: MIKE: Well, I think the heathen are *already* ruling over us. > wherefore should they say among the > people, Where is their God? TOM: He's with Waldo. > 2:18 Then will the LORD be jealous for His land, and pity His people. CROW: [as God] I pity the fool. > 2:19 Yea, ALL: Yay!!! > the LORD will answer and say unto His people, Behold, I > will send you corn, MIKE: [as God] I will send you Tim Conway's "Dorf" videos. CROW: Now that's corn! > and wine, and oil, and ye shall be satisfied > therewith: TOM: [as God] You'll take what I give you and LIKE it. > and I will no more make you a reproach among the > heathen: CROW: Unless you *really* screw up. > 2:20 But I will remove far off from you the northern army, and will > drive him into a land barren and desolate, MIKE: Ohio. > with his face toward > the east sea, and his hinder part toward the utmost sea, TOM: So he's mooning the utmost sea, basically. > > and his stink shall come up, CROW: I hope it doesn't come up from his hinder part. > and his ill savour shall come up, > because he hath done great things. MIKE: He hath written three episodes of "Felicity." > 2:21 Fear not, O land; be glad and rejoice: TOM: For ye shall be a shopping mall someday. > for the LORD will do > great things. CROW: Yeah, yeah. Promises, promises. > 2:22 Be not afraid, ye beasts of the field: MIKE: Listen, ye professional athletes and fraternity boys. > for the pastures of the > wilderness do spring, for the tree beareth her fruit, the fig > tree and the vine do yield their strength. CROW: This sounds like an ad for those "all natural" shampoos. > 2:23 Be glad then, ye children of Zion, TOM: For school is canceled today. > and rejoice in the LORD your > God: MIKE: [as God] Go ahead. Drinks are on me. > for He hath given you the former rain moderately, and He > will cause to come down for you the rain, the former rain, and > the latter rain in the first month. CROW: So in summary -- rain. TOM: Maybe God is Willard Scott. > 2:24 And the floors shall be full of wheat, and the vats shall > overflow with wine and oil. MIKE: Somebody's going to have to clean this up. > 2:25 And I will restore to you the years that the locust hath eaten, CROW: [as God] And I will also pay the locust's bar tab. > the cankerworm, and the caterpillar, and the palmerworm, TOM: You remember -- the connoisseurs of fine cuisine we read about before. > my great army which I sent among you. MIKE: The KISS Army, that is. > 2:26 And ye shall eat in plenty, CROW: Unless ye be Alley McBeal. > and be satisfied, and praise the > name of the LORD your God, that hath dealt wondrously with you: TOM: Sheesh. God's pretty full of Himself. > and my people shall never be ashamed. MIKE: Except for the Village People, who should be very ashamed. CROW: Why are you always picking on the Village People, Mike? I happen to think "In the Navy" is pretty darned catchy. > 2:27 And ye shall know that I am in the midst of Israel, TOM: [as God] But I'm only in town for a few days. > and that I > am the LORD your God, and none else: and my people shall never > be ashamed. MIKE: Until Carrot Top's next movie comes out, that is. CROW: And why this vandetta against Carrot Top, Mike? It's like an obsession with you. MIKE: C'mon, Crow, you've gotta let me get in a few shots at the "old reliables." > 2:28 And it shall come to pass afterward, that I will pour out my > spirit upon all flesh; TOM: He's pouring out his spirits? Quick, someone get Foster Brooks to clean it up. > and your sons and your daughters shall > prophesy, your old men shall dream dreams, MIKE: Dreams about fiber and golf, I bet. > your young men shall > see visions: CROW: While listening to "Dark Side of the Moon" and sniffing Magic Markers. > 2:29 And also upon the servants and upon the handmaids in those days > will I pour out my spirit. TOM: And upon the lambs and sloths and carp and anchovies... > 2:30 And I will show wonders in the heavens and in the earth, blood, > and fire, MIKE: Uh, that's Earth, WIND, and Fire. CROW: Don't correct God, Mike. > and pillars of smoke. TOM: From some cosmic bong, no doubt. > 2:31 The sun shall be turned into darkness, MIKE: And the guest bedroom shall be turned into a den. > and the moon into blood, > before the great and the terrible day of the LORD come. CROW: Which we now call Arbor Day. > 2:32 And it shall come to pass, TOM: [as sports announcer] But the pass is intercepted. > that whosoever shall call on the > name of the LORD shall be delivered: MIKE: So there are a LOT of Amway salesmen in Heaven, huh? > for in mount Zion and in > Jerusalem shall be deliverance, CROW: Squeal like a pig, boy. > as the LORD hath said, and in > the remnant whom the LORD shall call. TOM: And when God calls the remnant, he makes sure to use 1-800- Collect, saving the remnant up to 44%! > > Chapter 3 MIKE: "A New Beginning." > > 3:1 For, behold, in those days, CROW: Oh, great. Gramps is talking about the "good old days" again. > and in that time, when I shall > bring again the captivity of Judah and Jerusalem, TOM: For a special one-time only engagement! > 3:2 I will also gather all nations, MIKE: Except Belgium. > and will bring them down into > the valley of Jehoshaphat, CROW: Of "Jumpin'" fame. > and will plead with them there for > my people and for my heritage Israel, whom they have scattered > among the nations, and parted my land. TOM: Now, I'm sure there's enough Israel to go around. You kids will just have to SHARE, that's all. > 3:3 And they have cast lots for my people; and have given a boy for > an harlot, MIKE: Talk about "trading up." > and sold a girl for wine, that they might drink. CROW: This still goes on in some parts of Wisconsin... except it's for beer instead of wine. > 3:4 Yea, and what have ye to do with me, TOM: And what have ye done for me lately? > O Tyre, and Zidon, and all > the coasts of Palestine? will ye render me a recompense? MIKE: Er, I'm not sure I understand the question, God. > and if > ye recompense me, swiftly and speedily will I return your > recompense upon your own head; CROW: Is that good or bad? I'm not sure. It sounds bad, though. > 3:5 Because ye have taken my silver and my gold, TOM: [as God] And ye have not returned those David Cassidy albums ye borrowed from me. > and have carried > into your temples my goodly pleasant things: MIKE: You mean those little licorice candies? CROW: No, those are His Good 'N' Plenty things. > 3:6 The children also of Judah and the children of Jerusalem have > ye sold unto the Grecians, TOM: That reminds me of an old joke. MIKE: If it's the one about the "Grecian urn," you can forget it. > that ye might remove them far from > their border. CROW: I think God's talking about the INS. > 3:7 Behold, I will raise them out of the place whither ye have sold > them, TOM: The flea market. > and will return your recompense upon your own head: MIKE: We should be wearing crash helmets for this experiment. We've got recompenses falling down all over the place. > 3:8 And I will sell your sons and your daughters into the hand of > the children of Judah, CROW: [as God] But I will try to get at least the fair market value for them. > and they shall sell them to the Sabeans, > to a people far off: for the LORD hath spoken it. TOM: In his column for the Wall Street Journal. > 3:9 Proclaim ye this among the Gentiles; MIKE: Jackie Mason is funny. Trust us. > Prepare war, wake up the > mighty men, let all the men of war draw near; let them come up: CROW: War... huh! Good God, y'all. What is it good for? TOM: Lots of things, actually. Want me to name a few? CROW: Nah. > 3:10 Beat your plowshares into swords, and your pruninghooks into > spears: MIKE: Beat your ironing boards into nose hair clippers. > let the weak say, I am strong. TOM: And if they don't, let's kick their weak little asses. > 3:11 Assemble yourselves, and come, all ye heathen, CROW: [sings] O come all ye heathen Sinful and repugnant > and gather > yourselves together round about: MIKE: I think what God is trying to say is, "Come together, right now, over me." > thither cause thy mighty ones > to come down, O LORD. TOM: Hey, don't run with thithers. > 3:12 Let the heathen be wakened, CROW: For "The Howard Stern Show" has started. > and come up to the valley of > Jehoshaphat: MIKE: Or go Beneath the Valley of the Super-Jehosaphats. > for there will I sit to judge all the heathen > round about. TOM: I can just hear God saying, "I know you've been sworn in, and I have read your complaints." > 3:13 Put ye in the sickle, for the harvest is ripe: CROW: [as God] And put the lime in the coconut. > come, get you > down; MIKE: Come, get you funky. > for the press is full, the vats overflow; for their > wickedness is great. TOM: Hey, God just said the press was wicked! CROW: So George Clooney was *RIGHT* all along! > 3:14 Multitudes, multitudes in the valley of decision: MIKE: Here, God describes a typical L.A. traffic jam. > for the day > of the LORD is near in the valley of decision. TOM: Weather permitting, of course. > 3:15 The sun and the moon shall be darkened, and the stars shall > withdraw their shining. CROW: [Scottish accent] It's SHIN-ning. Do ya want ta get SUED? > 3:16 The LORD also shall roar out of Zion, and utter His voice from > Jerusalem; MIKE: Surprisingly, He sounds a lot like Alan Alda. > and the heavens and the earth shall shake: TOM: When Marlon Brando goes for a stroll. > but the > LORD will be the hope of His people, and the strength of the > children of Israel. CROW: But what about the children of the Kennedys? MIKE: A lenient justice system will be their hope and strength. > 3:17 So shall ye know that I am the LORD your God dwelling in Zion, > my holy mountain: TOM: [as God] Ye shall know me because of my "GOD LIVES HERE" sign on the front lawn. > then shall Jerusalem be holy, and there shall > no strangers pass through her any more. CROW: Jerusalem was really ahead of the times on the whole "gated community" idea. > 3:18 And it shall come to pass in that day, that the mountains shall > drop down new wine, MIKE: It shall be a deliciously dry Chianti. > and the hills shall flow with milk, TOM: And the sound of music. > and all > the rivers of Judah shall flow with waters, CROW: Except for Wonka's river of chocolate. > and a fountain shall > come forth of the house of the LORD, and shall water the valley > of Shittim. [Mike, Tom, and Crow all try to stifle embarrassed laughter.] MIKE: That valley *really* needs a new name. TOM: Do you think it's anywhere near the valley of Wettem? MIKE: Tom, please, don't make this any more difficult than it is. > 3:19 Egypt shall be a desolation, and Edom shall be a desolate > wilderness, CROW: Hey, but at least the exchange rate is good. > for the violence against the children of Judah, > because they have shed innocent blood in their land. TOM: Oh, a little club soda will get that blood stain right out. > 3:20 But Judah shall dwell for ever, and Jerusalem from generation > to generation. MIKE: Like "Cats," it's now and forever. > 3:21 For I will cleanse their blood that I have not cleansed: for > the LORD dwelleth in Zion. CROW: And He is such a neat freak. [Mike and the 'bots get up to exit the theater.] MIKE: And speaking of which... it's time to go meet the Big Guy himself. TOM: Arthur Carlson? MIKE: No... God! TOM: Oh, right! God! [*, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, Dog bone] [SATELLITE OF LOVE - BRIDGE] [Mike and the 'bots (still in ghostly form) enter. They are joined by Gypsy, who is also still a ghost.] MIKE: So, God, what did you think? CROW: Are we bound for the Promised Land? GYPSY: Will I finally get to meet some of the original Lassies? I've always wanted to meet Lassie #3. [We hear the voice of God from above, as before.] GOD: Gee, guys, I don't know how to break this to you. The roof collapsed at a convention of 700 Club members. I'm afraid Heaven is all booked up for the forseeable future. Sorry. Now, if you'll excuse me, I've got Mike Ovitz on the other line. Toodles! ALL: Bye, God. [The bridge suddenly fills with smoke. When it clears, Mike and the 'bots are no longer in ghostly form. They are once again corporeal. In other words, their spirits are back in their bodies.] GYPSY: Hey! We've got our bodies back! CROW: Aw, rats! I liked being a ghost! I could eat anything I wanted and not gain weight. TOM: Mike, don't you think we should check in with Pearl to see how she's doing? MIKE: Good idea, Tom. [Mike presses the button.] MIKE: Mrs. Forrester? Are you there? [CONDO FORRESTER - KITCHENETTE] [The kitchenette is decorated for a party. A banner in the background reads: "WELCOME BOZO!" and there are streamers everywhere. Bobo, now dressed in an Armani suit, has joined Pearl and Observer, who is still wearing his party clown outfit.] PEARL: Nelson, guess who showed up on our doorstep about half an hour ago? BOBO: [cheerfully] Give up? It's me, Bobo! They're throwing a "welcome home" party just for me. There's saltines and flat ginger ale and EVERYTHING! OBSERVER: Plus, I swiped some decorations from that kid's birthday party while I was there! PEARL: [to Mike] Bobo's the same loveable primate we all remember except for one big difference. BOBO: Yeah! I'm totally loaded now! I've got more money than I know what to do with! I don't know why people say it's so difficult to make it in Hollywood. I was raking it in hand over fist. It was just too easy, so I walked away. PEARL: Say, Bobo, I've got a suggestion for what you can do with that money. Keep in mind, this is just off the top of my head now. BOBO: By all means, I'd love to hear it, Lawgiver! PEARL: Well... I was thinking, it might be a good idea to use the money to buy Castle Forrester back. We could move out of this dump, and with the money we've got left over, we could keep experimenting on Nelson and trying to take over the world on the side. What do you say? BOBO: That's a typically flawless idea, O Great Lawgiver. I'll do it on ONE condition. PEARL: Oh yeah? What's that? BOBO: Once we move back into Castle Forrester, I don't want you to treat me any differently because I'm a big wealthy star. I got so tired of the phonies kissing up to me. I want you to treat me just like the toadying lackey I used to be. PEARL: With pleasure. Now, start cleaning this kitchen! It's a pigsty. I want to see my reflection in this linoleum. BOBO: Yes, ma'am. PEARL: What?!? BOBO: I mean, yes, LAWGIVER. PEARL: That's better. [Fade to black.] [ROLL CLOSING CREDITS AND THEME SONG] Based on a series created by JOEL HODGSON Written and directed by JOE BLEVINS Joe's Mystery Usenet Theater 3000 Episode Guide ----------------------------------------------- [101] Boycott This Blasphemous Movie [102] Sweet Valley High: Oracle On-Air [103] Revenge of the Old Queen [103R] Revenge of the Old Queen [Revised] [104] Three Usenet Posts About "Titanic" [105] Orgy of the Dead [106] IMDb Entry for Rick Sloane [107] Ray Wolfe's Online Guide to ERASERHEAD [108] I Was a Teenage King Kong [109] President Clinton's Apology to the Nation [110] A Shameless Clip Show [111] Sensual Dreams [112] President Clinton's Second Apology to the Nation [113] The Penguin's Withdrawal / Joker's Fountain of Youth [L01] Roger Ebert Reviews "Dark City" and "Dick Tracy" [201] The Book of Joel All my MiSTings are available here: http://pinky.wtower.com/mst3k/ ----------------------------------------------------------- D I S C L A I M E R ----------------------------------------------------------- Mystery Science Theater 3000 and its associated characters and situations are the property and trademarks of Best Brains, Inc. In no way should this MiSTing be construed to be an infringement on those rights. All rights reserved. Copyright (c) 1999 by Joe Blevins > Let the bridegroom go forth of his chamber, and the bride out > of her closet. Produced in the sebaceous glands of the Sci-Fi Channel