A N E A S T E R H I C K E Y and A "P A S S I O N" - A T E R A N T ----------------------------------------------- A MiSTing by Jim Gadfly | jim.gadfly | | @ | | lycos.com | Published April 8, 2004 8======8 8======8 8======8 8======8 8======8 8======8 8======8 In the not-too-distant future In another reality Mike Nelson and his robot pals Are still in captivity Still held by that evil Pearl Forester With Professor Bobo and Observer Still trapped in the Satellite of Love The experiment continues as they orbit high above Pearl sends them rants and fanfics, Spam and other assorted things (la-la-la) Mike and the 'bots must read it all No matter what pain it brings (la-la-la) In this world networks can't control When the series will ever end. Mike may spend all eternity Trapped with his robot friends E-bay Recall: Cambot (Are we back on?!) Gypsy (Great phoenix!) Tom Servo (Re-check me out!) Croooow! (We're the same!) If you're wondering why I write this stuff Since the series bid life farewell, The answer is that I loved that show And the networks can go to -- Wisconsin! (Woooo Packers!) Long live Mystery Science Theater 3000! (Guitar twang) ...o...2...3...4...5...6...* [Satellite of Love. Main console. CROW is located in his usual spot, but is wearing a rabbit costume and is "bruck-bruck-bruck"-ing like a chicken. After a few seconds MIKE and TOM enter, chatting to each other. CROW continues to "bruck." MIKE and TOM notice the odd vision before them, and stare at CROW for a moment.] TOM: The hell? MIKE: Uh, what's up, Crow? [CROW pauses from his "bruck"-ing and looks over at MIKE.] CROW: Oh, hey, Mike! I'm trying out to be the new Cadbury mascot! TOM: Uhhhh ... Cadbury mascot? CROW: Yeah. You remember that old commercial, the one where you see that rabbit sitting there clucking like a chicken, and at the end it lays a candy egg? They call it the Cadbury Bunny? Well, I thought I'd try out for the Cadbury robot! You know, give it a new, futurist-type-twist-thingy. What do you think? TOM: I think it's kinda stupid. CROW: Hey! MIKE: [To TOM] Now, Tom, please. [To CROW] Well, I think they already did an audition thing for a replacement for the rabbit on one of their commercials. They had different animals all dressed up like the bunny, but none of them -- CROW: Yeah, yeah, but those were ANIMALS. I'm a ROBOT. You know, 21st century technology and all that. And after all I -- oh, my! [Crow suddenly stares, transfixed at us, and starts "bruck"-ing with more intensity. Something odd is obviously happening.] MIKE: [Concerned] Crow! What is it?! What -- [We suddenly hear a mild "thump" from behind the console. MIKE and TOM look down somewhere behind CROW.] TOM: What the blazes ... [MIKE leans down below CROW, then stands back up, holding an egg in his hand. The egg is normal size ("medium" in grocery parlance) but is colored gold like CROW's metallic frame.] MIKE: Crow you ... you ... you laid a golden egg! CROW: Wow! And I didn't even need a softener! TOM: Good grief, Crow! I never knew you had it in you! CROW: I guess I don't, anymore. TOM: I mean, I've seen you lay eggs before, but never LITERALLY. CROW: Well, my name *is* "Crow." MIKE: Do you think you can do it again? CROW: I guess. TOM: Guys! Do you know what this means?! MIKE: We're rich! RICH! TOM: That's right! Filthy, stinkin', screw-Social-Security-and-cut-my-taxes-NOW-type RICH! MIKE: HA-HA! TOM: HA-HA! MIKE and TOM: [Together] HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA!!!! CROW: [Who has NOT been joining in the merriment] Uh, guys, what's with this "we" stuff? [MIKE and TOM's laughter quickly fades and they look over at the stern-looking CROW.] MIKE: Sorry, Crow, I assumed you'd want to share -- TOM: Yeah, Crow, you don't wanna be selfish. CROW: I'm selfish? I'M SELFISH?! TOM: Well, at least you admit it. CROW: Why, you ... [mumbles something incoherent, then] Look, it was MY "stupid" idea, MY egg-hole, and so it's MY fortune! DIG?! TOM: Your grave, maybe! [CROW lunges at TOM, who lunges back. MIKE quickly interposes himself between the two and pushes them back apart.] MIKE: Now boys, take it easy! We don't want to lapse into a "Treasure of the Sierra Madre"-type thing here. TOM: We wouldn't if Mr. Bunny-ears here didn't suddenly think he was Fred Dobbs! CROW: Oh, yeah?! Well, Tom, you can just jump up my b-- b-- [CROW's eyes suddenly turn glassy as he stares off at nothing, then he again begins] bruck-bruck-bruck ... [There is another mild "thump" from behind the console beneath CROW.] MIKE: [Looking beneath CROW] Crow! You did it again! TOM: All right! Many more and we'll have to start worrying about some dumb brat climbing up here on a beanstalk and stealing ya! CROW: Very funny, Tom. [The Mads light begins flashing.] TOM: Oh-oh! Speaking of greed and stealing and stuff, the Mads are calling! CROW: Mike! Quick! Ditch the egg! MIKE: Huh? [Notices the he is still holding the first golden egg] OH! [He looks around frantically and confusedly for a moment, and then in desperation pops the egg into his mouth as he and the 'bots stare towards us, MIKE's mouth bulging and lips barely sealed where he is trying to hold in the egg.] [Castle Forrester. PEARL is standing in the foreground of the Great Hall while in the background OBSERVER and BOBO are adding a 3-foot square box onto a large stack of same-sized boxes, a stack some seven boxes across and three boxes high.] PEARL: [To us] Well! Good evening Mike, Tom and ... [Squints for a moment] furry? Huh. Well, I guess after that CSI episode, more people have been getting into that stuff. And ... uh, Nelson, what's up with YOU? You supposed to be chipmunk, or what? [SoL] TOM: Mike? No, he's -- um -- [Looks up at MIKE, who looks back helplessly.] CROW: He's got a toothache! [MIKE quickly looks over to CROW with relief and gratitude in his face, then points at CROW and nods towards us.] TOM: That's right! A toothache! His mouth is full of gauze and stuff. CROW: Kinda like Tom Hanks in "Castaway." TOM: Yes! Absolutely! [MIKE nods enthusiastically, mumbles "um-hum", then holds the side of one jaw, grimaces and moans as if he is in pain.] [CF] PEARL: Ahhh. Sorry to hear that, Nelson. If you want, though, I can probably get an associate from Feinstone and Caine to come up and pay you a housecall. [SoL] TOM: No, no, that won't be necessary! CROW: Yeah. It comes and goes. As soon as the Anbesol kicks in he'll be as right as rain! [MIKE nods and points to CROW.] [CF] PEARL: Okay, whatever. Anyway, the reason I paged you morons, in addition to sending your latest experiment, is that I wanted to share with you THE idea that will make us more money than ... well, more than YOU guys can ever imagine! [SoL] CROW: Oh, I don't know. We've been imagining a LOT lately. [MIKE elbows CROW.] CROW: Ow! [To MIKE] What? [CF] PEARL: Not like this, I'm sure. You guys have probably noticed all the crowds that have been flocking to see that controversial new Mel Gibson move, "The Passion of the Christ", right? Well, as much money as it's made for Mel, there's ONE area that he hasn't thought to exploit yet. And it's so obvious! Tell me, what does every blockbuster movie have that THIS film doesn't? [SoL. MIKE -- mouth still full -- and the 'BOTS look at each other, confused.] TOM: Uhhhh ... a plot? CROW: Oh, don't be silly! Of COURSE it has a plot. MIKE: Mmm m um. TOM: Yeah, right! Jesus is arrested, gets the stuffings beat out of him in graphic detail, and then is killed. The end. CROW: So? That's a plot. TOM: Oh, come on! What about context? What about backstory? CROW: Context?! It's JESUS, for Chr-- for goodness sake! Everybody already KNOWS the context! TOM: So that's an excuse to violate the most basic tenets of filmmaking? MIKE: Um m mm m. CROW: Oh, so you insist on limiting Mel's artistic vision to what fits into YOUR pathetically limited paradigm of what a movie "should" be? I'll bet if you'd been around back in 1927, you'd have dissed "The Jazz Singer" for TALKING! TOM: No, but I'd have dissed it if the film had only consisted of two hours of Al Jolson on stage in blackface singing endless variations of "Mammy." Except for a few blink-and-you-miss-them flashbacks, that's basically what "Passion" is; an endless barrage of ways that we can see Jesus tortured! What about his life and ministry? The things that would make us CARE about the character in the first place? CROW: IT'S JESUS CHRIST!! If you DON'T already KNOW these things -- TOM: Of COURSE I know them! And THAT'S what I'd like to see celebrated in film, or at LEAST given more attention than what "Passion" gives! MIKE: Hm um m m mmm. CROW: But that wasn't Mel's goal! He stated flat out, right at the beginning, what his goal was: Filming the CULMINATION of Jesus' ministry, the events leading to his sacrifice at Calvary, which was the entire POINT of His coming to earth to begin with! If you want the depth of a miniseries, go watch Zeffirelli's "Jesus of Nazareth" -- TOM: Which was, by the way, a MUCH better and even-handed treatment of the story than "Passion", what with the latter's cardboard villains and obsessive focus on gore -- [CF] PEARL: [Infuriated] ENOUGH!! I didn't ask for a religio-philosophical review of the bloody flick, I just asked you what other blockbuster movies had that this one doesn't! And the answer is ... [At this point PEARL snaps the fingers of her right hand. OBSERVER rushes up to take a place beside her to her right, then holds out a 10-inch figurine of a bearded man with long black hair and wearing a maroon robe.] PEARL: [Excitedly] ACTION FIGURES! [SoL. MIKE and the 'BOTS stare back blankly for a moment.] TOM: Your big get-rich idea is ... Jesus dolls? [CF] PEARL: No-o-o-o-o, not "dolls", ACTION FIGURES. You see, even though Mel Gibson made the film, all the characters and scenes are in the public domain. Even CONGRESS hasn't pushed copyrights back THAT far yet! Which means that it's all fair game to anybody who has the gumption and gall to exploit it -- meaning ME. Show 'em how it works, Egg-white. OBSERVER: Yes, Madam. [To us] You see, This d-, er, action figure comes with a pull-string which, when retracted, causes the figure to randomly recite one of the seven sayings that Christ reportedly uttered on the cross. Of course, in keeping with the film, it only recites the sayings in Aramaic, which is now considered a dead language and -- PEARL: [Impatiently] Oh, for Pete's sake! Stop talking and just DEMONSTRATE! Pull the string! PULL THE STRING! OBSERVER: [Somewhat annoyed] Very well, Madam. [He pulls a string in the figurine's back.] FIGURINE: [Tinny voice] Eloi, Eloi, lama sabachthani? [SoL. MIKE and the 'BOTS stare back, perplexed and unimpressed.] CROW: So ... you're gonna to get rich by selling talking Jesus dolls? [CF] PEARL: [Annoyed] ACTION FIGURES, DAMMIT! [Forces herself to calm down] And no, they don't JUST talk. That's just the beginning! Show 'em the rest, Brainswell. OBSERVER: Yes, madam. [To us] You see, there is an area in the figure's back [here he removes its robe, leaving the figurine's torso bare] which, when pressed, causes the figure to "sweat blood" -- [here he presses on its back and little red droplets begin to ooze from small "pores" in its plastic "skin"]. Actually, of course, it's not real "blood", but a dyed red fluid that -- PEARL: [Holding up a bottle that resembles a ketchup dispenser] We mix ourselves and can resupply for additional fees! It also evaporates quickly -- even in the container -- so that the kids will have to buy new bottles that much more quickly! Clever, or WHAT?! OBSERVER: In addition, certain parts of the figure's "skin" peel off, just like in the film. [Here he removes a part of the figure's side to reveal flayed red inner "flesh" with some ribs exposed.] PEARL: A-ha! Doesn't look like your average talking dolly now, does it? And that's not all! Wait 'till you see the accessories! Bobo! [BOBO hurries up to take a place by Pearl's left side. He is carrying one of the boxes, this one opened.] BOBO: That's right! And you know what they say -- "The only thing that separates us from the animals is our ability to accessorize." Heh-heh-heh! [PEARL and OBSERVER roll their eyes.] BOBO: Anywho ... [Begins rummaging through the box] We have the cross, of course -- [Pulls out a plastic cross briefly and drops it back in] Roman soldiers -- [Pulls out a pair of plastic dolls in Roman soldier uniforms. The dolls have sneers on their faces and one is holding a wooden whip and the other a cat-o-nine-tails. BOBO drops them back in.] A Judas -- [Pulls out a small rope, at the end of which, tied by the neck with a noose, dangles a dark-haired, bearded doll in a plain tunic. The doll's neck is bent to one side and its tongue is lolling out. BOBO drops the doll back into the box.] And, of course, Satan -- [Pulls out a pale-skinned figurine wearing a dark cloak and hood. BOBO holds up the doll while nodding over to OBSERVER.] Kinda reminds ya of Brain Guy over there, doesn't it? I mean, except for the little maggot you see attached to the figure's nostril there. PEARL: [Smiling widely] Well, guys, what do you think? [SoL. MIKE and the 'BOTS stare back again, but this time they are shocked and aghast. They hold that pose for several seconds.] TOM: That's one of the most disgusting, tasteless, repugnant displays I've seen in my life. CROW: You can say that again, Tom. Not to mention sacrilegious and probably blasphemous. What do you think, Mike? [MIKE continues to stare towards us for a few seconds more, then makes a gagging sound, covers his mouth, and ducks down behind the console.] TOM: I couldn't have put it better myself. [MIKE stands up from behind the console, wiping his mouth. He no longer has the egg in it.] MIKE: [To us] Oh, man, you guys really went over the top THIS time. How do you plan on selling those ... THINGS, anyway? No respectable business would want to touch them. [CF] PEARL: Simple! I'm going to run my business myself, through eBay! That way, even if I only get ten bucks or so for an item, I can hit the dumb schmuck who bought it with a $30 postage charge! HA!! [SoL] MIKE: [Shaking his head] Pearl, you are really a piece of work. CROW: Yeah, Pearl. Sometimes you can be real b-- b-- [CROW's eyes turns glassy as he stares at us, then] Bruck-bruck-bruck-- TOM: Mike! MIKE: Got it! [He reaches over and quickly covers CROW's mouth with his hands.] [CF] PEARL: [Confused and suspicious] Sa-a-a-y ... just what's going on up there? [SoL] MIKE: [Still holding CROW's beak shut, although we can still hear muffled "bruck"ing.] Oh, uh, nothing, it's just ... TOM: It's Mike's toothache! It's catching! MIKE: Oh! Uh, right! [We suddenly hear another mild "thunk" from behind the console beneath CROW. MIKE glances down reflexively then looks back up at us, smiles nervously and releases CROW.] CROW: Oh, man, what a relief! [CF] PEARL: [Wrinkling her nose.] Ugh, that's DISGUSTNG! Brain Guy, send these uncouth barbarians their experiment before they make me ill! I need to go sign on the computer and set up our eBay account. OBSERVER: Yes, Madam. [OBSERVER takes center stage as PEARL steps away. He addresses then us.] Mike and company, in the spirit of the holiday and of our new business venture, we're sending you a PAIR of pious posts. The first you might recognize from a certain Ms. Hickey. You read her pointers on Christmas and Halloween before; now, courtesy of Google's archive, we are able to send you a golden piece of inspirational advice on Easter-time decorum. Following that, you'll have the pleasure of dealing with the ranting of a gentleman who takes offence to the aforementioned "Passion" film. Happy Easter! [He then jiggles his head about as "brain noise" plays.] [SoL. Alarms blare and lights flash.] MIKE: Oh, no! We've got... TOM: HICKEY SIGN!! CROW: NOT AGAIN!!! ALL: AHHHHHH!!!! *...6...5...4...3...2...o... [Theater. MIKE enters, carrying TOM, followed by CROW. They all take their usual seats as the first post begins.] > From: Reverend Mother Henrietta Hickey MIKE: You know, guys, I think I'm developing an allergy to penicillin. > Subject: Easter Do's and DONT's TOM: With a literal emphasis on the "DONT's." CROW: Why am I not surprised? > Date: 1999/03/30 MIKE: Curse you, Google archive! > Newsgroups: alt.parenting.solutions,alt.christnet.nudism CROW: Uhhh ... that's a rather odd cross-posting, so to speak. TOM: alt.christnet.nudism, presenting all the bare facts about Christianity. > > > Hallelujah, my children! I hope you haven't missed me ALL: Hope fulfilled! > and > that my dear Sister in Christ Jesus Eulalia Meadows is > keeping you sufficiently enlightened with her Holiness > preaching. I wanted to come back and share another of my > priceless sermonettes with you on the Importance of > Christ's Resurrection from the Dead. CROW: Mike, what's a sermonette? MIKE: I think it's a female sermon. > > 1. DON'T go to work on Maundy Thursday OR Good Friday. TOM: We're sure you boss won't mind. And if he does -- well, you didn't wanna work for some hell-bound heathen anyway, did you? > Stay home Thursday and prepare a sumptuous Passover meal of > unleavened bread, bitter herbs, haroset, eggs, grape juice > (wine being the devil's potion), and a little lamb like > Mother Mary had. MIKE: Really droll joke there, Ms. Hickey. TOM: Kinda gives a different perspective to the manger scene, doesn't it? > Recount the story of how God led the > Children of Israel out of the House of Bondage in Egypt CROW: I thought the House of Bondage was on 4th and Belmont. > and > gave Moses the 613 Holy Commandments in the Wilderness of > Eastern Africa. CROW: 613 Commandments? MIKE: That must have been the unabridged version. TOM: Try sticking THOSE on a monument in an Alabama courthouse. MIKE: Actually, I won't be surprised if somebody tries. > Remember also how God led African > Americans out of slavery on the Southern plantations and > how greedy white people keep many of them in economic > bondage to this day while leaving our borders unpoliced > against the rising tide of illegal immigrants. TOM: Ah, yes. The Christian love just OOZES out of that paragraph! > > 2. DO schedule family reunions for Easter weekend when the > kids are home from school. Don't go frolicking in Florida > during "spring break." Jesus is coming back very soon. CROW: So clean this place up! > Don't let him catch you loafing around on the beach MIKE: Or fishing around in the water ... > or > sinning under a sun shade. Invite relatives you haven't > seen for years to spend Easter with your family and recite > the Commandments to them, TOM: All 613. Thus reminding them of WHY they haven't visited you in years. > paying special attention to those > against laziness, gossip, disrespect to parents, lying, > cheating, fornication, and adultery. CROW: What about judgementalism? MIKE: Somehow I suspect she skips that part. > > 3. DO open your door during your Holy Thursday Passover > dinner to welcome Jesus in should He decide to come that > night. TOM: But first ask to see his I.D. You can't be too careful. > Invite the stranger and the beggar to sit down and > sup with you. Be sure to give them a generous portion of > lamb -- MIKE: Ah, you see? Momma Hickey DOES have a heart! An offer to share her food with strangers with no judgements or -- > and plastic utensils so they won't have any > opportunity to steal and then hock your grandmother's fine > silver. MIKE: Uh, never mind. > Let them sleep over in the garage if it's > convenient, and take them to a decent employment agency > come Monday morning. The best way to keep flotsam and > jetsam off our city streets is to CROW: Build the streets away from the seashore? > keep them busy doing > something productive. TOM: This also has the advantage of taking menial jobs away from those horrible illegal aliens! > > 4. DO go to Church on Good Friday and listen to sermons > describing how much Jesus suffered on His Cross to atone > for your many and varied sins and transgressions. Meditate > on the agony in the Garden of Gethsemane, the Bloody Sweat, > the Mistrial of Mockeries, the Scourgings, the Crowning > with Thorns of Acacia, and the Crucifixion on Golgotha. > Imagine how many pints of Jesus' precious Blood poured > forth from His Five Wounds to redeem your rotten, wretched > soul from an eternity in the Bottomless Pit. CROW: [As Krankor] Ya SCUM! > > 5. DO repent from all your cursing and kvetching MIKE: [Yiddish accent] That's all I hear around here, kvetch, kvetch, kvetch ... > and > rebellion against God and His Chosen Messengers TOM: Like President Bush? > and promise > never to utter a harsh word against them again. CROW: Or you'll have to answer to Mr. Ashcroft! > > 6. DON'T bow down before graven images of Our Lord and > those closest to Him. TOM: Like Jerry Falwell? > Those are idols crafted by the devil > to lead you to idolatry and away from Christ. CROW: In Falwell's case, I can believe that! > > 7. DO fast on Good Friday and Holy Saturday in remembrance > of Jesus' suffering and entombment away from all who loved > Him. MIKE: I bet the restaurant lobbyists are gonna want a law passed against spreading THAT piece of advice. > > 8. DON'T forget that it was the Faithful Women around Jesus > who stood by Him to the Bitter End and beyond. Remember > the three patient servants of the Lord who gathered before > dawn on the Day of the Lord and were greeted by the Angel > of the Lord, who told them first, "Jesus is Risen!" TOM: So ... that meant it was okay for them to go on in and clean His room? > > 9. DO follow the example of the Faithful women and gather > with your entire family before sunrise and sing hymns of > Hope as you wait for the dawn. No matter how cold it is > you must stand waiting for at least an hour and watch the > Sun rise over the horizon giving Hope of Christ's > Resurrection and Eventual Return to judge the Quick and the > Dead. CROW: What, the western with Sharon Stone? MIKE: I guess in this case you REALLY don't want a "thumbs down." > > 10. DON'T leave Church early. Stay and join in the praise > all morning. DON'T go home and watch TV. TOM: Unless you REALLY want to share in suffering. > > 11. DO return home at lunchtime and have another Easter > feast. DO buy your children nice spring clothes for Church > and make sure they wear them there every week! MIKE: And wash them at least every other month. > > > 12. DON'T lie to your children about the Easter bunny and > DON'T feed them fattening sweets that are bad for their > teeth. Feed them wholesome food and PUNISH them if they > fidget too much or whine during the Easter Sunrise Service. CROW: After all, what is a Sunrise Service without at least a FEW howls of pain from inattentive children? > > 13. DON'T eat too many colored eggs. MIKE: Personally, I tend to peel the colored part off first. > They're pagan TOM: Eggs have a religion? > and full of vile cholesterol. CROW: I guess that's the "bad" type of cholesterol, huh? > DON'T eat chocolate eggs at all. > They're symbols of the devil and represent his travesty of > Christian sacraments. MIKE: Wow, some people even take the term "devil's food" literally! > > 14. DO take part in the Lord's Supper if you've repented > and are worthy. CROW: But won't Jesus object to us eating His supper? I'd sure object to somebody eating MY supper! > God will not leave unpunished the > hypocrite who partakes of the Lord's supper with > unacknowledged sins on his conscience. TOM: And I guess we're talking more than indigestion, huh? > > 15. DO continue to eat unleavened bread for eight days > beginning on Maundy Thursday. MIKE: Not to be confused with Maundy Monday. TOM: Can't trust THAT day! > > 16. DO ask your children to explain why Easter differs from > every other Holy Day -- and make sure they can recite the > answer based on a thorough reading of the Holy Bible. CROW: The application of electric shocks for wrong answers does WONDERS for focusing concentration. > Jesus doesn't want HIS Children to grow up in ignorance and > doubt about what is Good, True, and Righteous. TOM: That's right, ignorance and CERTAINTY are MUCH better. > > 17. DO encourage outsiders to come to your Church and hear > the Gospel preached to them. Have an altar call and > prevail upon sinners to repent and rededicate their lives > to Christ. Invite drunkards and whores you may know and > encourage them to let the Spirit move them to repentance > and Salvation. CROW: But wouldn't the drunkards have already had too many spirits? > > 18. DO give your children new holy names to commemorate > their New Birth. Make sure to avoid wicked names CROW: So I guess "Judas" and "Jezebel" are out. MIKE: And "Osama" and "Saddam." TOM: And any names that sound like they came from France. > and > aberrant spellings, TOM: Like "Favre"? > both of which are an Abomination unto > the Lord. MIKE: Wow! And I thought Miss Galway from my 8th grade English class was tough! > > 19. DO preach hell so hot you start sweating bullets and > making the proud and the smug squirm in their seats. CROW: What about the pompous and self-righteous? TOM: Hey, what would Momma Hickey know about THEM? > > 20. DO witness to others and share with them the Good News > that Christ is Risen -- Hallelujah! -- and that He wants > every sinner to repent and take the hard road to Heaven, TOM: Personally, I prefer the *Highway* to Heaven. MIKE: Yeah, but now I've heard they've instituted a toll. > where a beautiful mansion has been prepared for all true > Believers, but not for scoffers and mockers. CROW: Oh, poor Ringo! > > 21. DON'T forget to invite cold-hearted atheists to your > Church to hear True Preaching. Many are so moved they > start going to Church week after week. CROW: And listen to preachers like Momma Hickey? TOM: These atheists aren't just cold-hearted, they're *masochistic*, too. > > 22. DO keep on going to Church yourself whenever its doors > are opened, MIKE: So hide in the bushes near the entrance and wait for your chance! > praising God and giving thanks for His > Sacrifice on the Holy Cross of Calvary. > > > Jesus Loves You ALL > And Wants You to Have a Joyous Easter! TOM: You know, I never feel quite a joyous as after reading one of Hickey's "sermonettes." > > > Mother Henrietta Hickey of New Sodom MIKE: Isn't that the new condo development down by Greater Gomorrah? CROW: You mean that giant flying turtle? TOM: No, that's GAMERA. CROW: Oh. Sorry. > From: biniohas (biniohas@hotmail.com) TOM: Speaking of sorrows, it look like that "Passion" rant is starting. > Subject: Gibson's 'Passion' is Too Liberal MIKE: Funny, I never thought I'd see Mel Gibson's name and "too liberal" used in the same subject without a "not" tossed in somewhere. TOM: Maybe Jesse Helms wrote this? > Newsgroups: alt.religion.christian, alt.fan.rush-limbaugh, > alt.abortion, alt.atheism CROW: I bet he included the atheists just to rub it in. > Date: 2004-03-05 15:52:08 PST > > The Truth About Mel Gibson's > The Passion Of The Christ MIKE: [As Jack Nicholson] But we can't HANDLE the TRUTH! > > On February 25th, 2004, a new movie directed by > superstar Mel Gibson opened in thousands of > theatres throughout the United States. It was > Ash Wednesday, as it is called by many, TOM: Well, yeah, I guess you *could* call several million Christians from around the globe "many." > when the > new movie, The Passion Of The Christ, was > presented to the general public. CROW: Generals, Colonels, corporals -- hey, ANYBODY could see it! > The general > consensus of massive multi-million dollar > ministries was, "This is a 'must-see' movie!" MIKE: If you're into either Christianity or S&M. > At > this point, we must remember that we are living > in the end-time, TOM: As evidenced by the increasing number of a-holes. > and that these last days are > days of great deception and strong delusion. CROW: Oh, c'mon! It's not like major world leaders are launching international wars under questionable pretenses or anything! > Jesus himself said in Matthew 24:5, "For many > shall come in my name, saying, I am Christ; and > shall deceive many." The Mel Gibson movie > presents a two-dimensional Christ who is MIKE: Played by a one-dimensional actor ... > found in > the secret chambers called movie theatres where > admission money must be paid or those chambers > cannot be entered. TOM: Uh, I don't think that you could call movie theatres "secret" when advertisements and stuff about them is posted all over the papers and 'net. > In Matthew 24:26 Jesus said, > "Wherefore if they shall say unto you... behold he > is in the secret chambers: believe it not." CROW: That was Jesus? I thought it was Ripley. > In > Luke 17:22 Jesus said, "The days will come, when > ye shall desire to see one of the days of the son > of man, and ye shall not see it. And they shall > say to you, see here; or, see there: go not after > them, nor follow them." The religious leaders are > telling the millions of people that they must go > and see one of the days of the Son of Man, and > since most Christians can no longer think or > discern, they will TOM: Listen to Rush Limbaugh? > blindly follow blind leaders, > and as Jesus said, "They will all fall in the > ditch!" MIKE: I guess Jesus was into slapstick. CROW: He always did enjoy those Mr. Magoo cartoons. > If people would only pray fervently and > stay in the true Word of God instead of > performing like trained seals in front of their > religious leaders, they could then survive TOM: And win the million dollar prize! > the > gross darkness of deception. CROW: Y'know, deception's bad enough, but does it have to be GROSS, too? > > One vital fact that we must never forget is that MIKE: The popular vote is meaningless; it's the Electoral College count that matters! > the crucifixion of our Lord and Saviour, Jesus > Christ, happened only once, and that singular > event is effectual for all eternity. TOM: Jesus has received offers to play repeat performances, but for some reason turns them down. > Hebrews 6:6 > warns of what happens if that event were > re-enacted in any way as the following words > reveal: "... Seeing they crucify to themselves the > Son of God afresh, and put him to an open shame." CROW: So ... ANY dramatic re-enactment of the crucifixion goes against Scripture? TOM: That seems to be what he's saying. > > Another point that must be remembered is MIKE: [As author] I'm now off my medication. > that the > movie claims to depict the "last twelve hours" of > Jesus' life on earth. This is an outright lie > because Acts 1:3 clearly states, "To whom also he > showed himself alive after his passion by many > infallible proofs, being seen of them forty days, > and speaking of the things pertaining to the > Kingdom of God." TOM: Ah, score a point to the theological nit-picker! CROW: Well, it's not Mel's fault! He WANTED to bill it as "the last twelve hours of Jesus' life on earth before his death and resurrection and all that other stuff" but the promo department cut it. > > It is quite obvious that God does not approve of > this movie for we can see clearly that His Word > condemns it. MIKE: Yep, it's as clear as a mudhole in a fogbank. > During the filming of the movie, God > was sending obvious signs of His disapproval. CROW: Yeah, His advance column in "Variety" was particularly scathing. > The > star, Jim Caviezel, who played the part of Jesus, > had the following things happen to him during the > filming. Caviezel suffered hypothermia as he hung > on the cross nearly naked and caught pneumonia > and a lung infection. TOM: Funny how God shows His "disapproval" of people who don't take proper precautions in bad weather. > He dislocated his shoulder > while carrying the cross, and he was struck by > lightening twice. MIKE: Wow! Most actors wait their entire careers for lightening to strike just ONCE! > This was confirmed by an > Associated Press report. In another scene, > Caviezel was chained to a post to be whipped, and > in the simulation, the actor doing the whipping > missed and actually struck Jim Caviezel putting a > 14-inch gash in his back. When this happened, > Caviezel said, "I may be playing Jesus, but I > felt like Satan at that moment. I turned to him, > a couple of expletives came out of my mouth." CROW: I guess Mr. Caviezel didn't learn a lot from the guy he was portraying, huh? > There you have it! Jim Caviezel, the man playing > Jesus said he felt like Satan, and began to cuss > at the other actor. TOM: After the other actor had screwed up and injured him. Thus proving Caviezel was ... uh, human, I guess. > > Another star of the movie, The Passion of the > Christ, who was hand-picked by Mel Gibson, is > Monica Belluci, who plays Mary Magdalene. Monica > Belluci is well known in Hollywood as a hard-core > pornography star! MIKE: She IS?! CROW: I don't know. Why are you asking ME? > She has starred in such movies > as "Irreversible", which reportedly included rape > scenes so explicit and intense that at its > premiere showing, 250 people walked out, and some > needed medical attention. MIKE: By William Castle. > Twenty people had to be > given oxygen. TOM: The rest were given helium ... just for laughs. CROW: It was a real gas! > This is the woman chosen by Mel > Gibson to be a star in his movie. CROW: So ... the actress playing a woman who Jesus cast seven demons out of and who has been presented for centuries as a prostitute should be totally chaste? > When we > consider that such ministries as Focus on the > Family are promoting the Mel Gibson movie with > its pornography star, we can see that Dr. James > Dobson is out of focus MIKE: A little ecclesiastical humor there, heh-heh. > and should have done his > homework! Dr. Tim LaHaye said: "Everyone should > see this movie. It could be Hollywood 's finest > achievement to date." TOM: As if THAT were high praise! > > There is also a powerful mystical side to the Mel > Gibson production containing elements of > witchcraft. CROW: Yes, if you pay close attention to the crowd scenes, you'll definitely see some of the women wiggling their noses. > One review said, "Flashbacks, > special effects, and a sulfurous evil presence > lurks throughout the film." MIKE: Sounds like that poor reviewer sat near somebody who forgot their Beano that day. > Jim Caviezel said, "I > drew heavily on my Catholic upbringing, TOM: He even had a nun slap his hand with a ruler to bring back the memories. > reread > the Gospels and studied writings of Christian > mystics." Caviezel also said, "Ivan Dragicevic CROW: Gesundheit! > and his wife Lorraine gave me a piece of MIKE: Quiche? > the true > cross. I kept this on me all the time. They made > a special pocket in my clothes for it. I also had > relics of Padre Pio, St Anothony of Padoua, St > Maria Goretti, and Saint Denisius, the patron > saint of actors." TOM: Is that Denisius Hopper? > > Mel Gibson stated that he based his script > largely on the visions of two Catholic mystic > nuns: St. Anne Catherine Emmerich, who was an > 18th century Augustinian nun, and Mary of Agreda, > who was a 17th century Franciscan nun. CROW: So I guess Mel could have subtitled this movie, "What Women Write." > Gibson > said, "Emmerich supplied me with stuff I never > would have thought of." TOM: Does he mean things she wrote like "the sight of [Jesus'] sufferings, far from exciting a feeling of compassion in the hard-hearted Jews, simply filled them with disgust, and increased their rage. Pity was, indeed, a feeling unknown in their cruel breasts"? Stuff like that? MIKE: Well ... I ... uh ... let's move on, shall we? > The script was originally > written in English for this movie but was > translated by a Jesuit priest, who calls himself > "Father" William J. Fulco. CROW: Weird the way that Jesuit priests wanna be called "Father." > > It was quite a script and was filled with blood > and torture to excessive extremes. CROW: Isn't "excessive extremes" somewhat redundant? MIKE: Not for THIS movie. > The Bible does > not use such intricate details. The Scripture > tells us what we need to know. TOM: Yeah. Imagination? Who needs it! > In Luke 23:33 it > says, "And when they were come to the place, > which is called Calvary, there they crucified > him, and the malefactors, one on the right hand, > and the other on the left." It is also of great > interest to note that MIKE: [As author] I just saved a TON of money by switching my insurance to GEICO! > when Diane Sawyer > interviewed Mel Gibson she asked him, "It's your > hand in the film holding the nail?" He answered, > "It is, yeah, my left hand." CROW: So ... Diane Sawyer recognized his HAND? TOM: Odd -- that's not the part of Mel's anatomy that MOST women recognize. > Gibson made a point > of the fact that it was his left hand holding and > positioning a nail to be driven through the hand > of Jesus. TOM: Um, don't MOST people position nails with their left hand, since they hammer with their right? MIKE: Well, yeah, now that I think about it. > In the occult, the left hand indicates > "the force", MIKE: [As Obi-Wan] Use the FORCE, Luke ... TOM: Matthew ... CROW: Mark ... > and the Latin for left is sinister. MIKE: Uh, I think we need to go ahead and apologize to southpaws everywhere for where this is heading. > There is a high order in esoteric Illuminism > called Ordo Sinistra Vivendi or "Order of the > Left Hand Path." TOM: Founded by Ben Franklin, Babe Ruth, Ronald Reagan -- MIKE: Steve Young, Phil Michelson, Paul McCartney -- CROW: Bill Clinton, John McEnroe, Billy the Kid -- > Its purpose is to destroy > Christianity by deception. CROW: I guess they try to keep the right hand from knowing what the left hand is doing! > > During a showing of the Passion movie in Wichita, > Kansas, a woman was watching as Gibson's left > hand held the nail, and at the precise moment > when the nail was driven in and blood poured > forth, she dropped dead. MIKE: If only Mel had been holding the nail with the toes of his right foot, she'd be alive today! > Kansas is the > geographical center of our country TOM: Not counting Alaska. MIKE: Or Hawaii. CROW: Or Mexico. > and the nail > was centered by Gibson's sinister hand. TOM: And "Wichita" is an anagram for "I a witch." Coincidence? > Was this > a sign? MIKE: Yeah, it's a sign that SOMEBODY needs to pull his "left hand indicates evil" thinking out of the Dark Ages. CROW: You know, I've been to taffy pulls whose winners had shorter stretches. > > Has this wicked nation that persists in evil > crucified the Son of God afresh and put Him to an > open shame? ALL: NO. > Is this dead woman being carried from > a theater a sign from God? MIKE: A sign that she had a bad heart, maybe. > As a former occultist > and witch, saved by the grace of God, I discern > the evil in this Mel Gibson movie, The Passion of > the Christ! TOM: So this guy really *was* a witch, huh? CROW: I wonder if this whole tirade wasn't triggered by his losing out to Fiona for that spot in "Mad Mad House." [MIKE and TOM look over at CROW.] CROW: N-Not that I actually WATCH that stupid show or anything, a-heh. > It should be avoided as a deadly > abomination. MIKE: Go see "Hellboy" instead. > > Pastor David J. Meyer TOM: [Sings] This baloney has a last name, it's M - e - y - e - r ... MIKE: Well, I guess we've done our penance. Wanna ascend outta here? CROW: Amen to that, brother! [MIKE picks up TOM and all exit theater.] ...o...2...3...4...5...6...* [SoL. We see a shot of the console, upon which sit the broken shells of the three golden eggs. Just behind the console we see three very small versions of what look like CROW's chicken puppets, only these also have small sets of bunny ears. They are moving about and "bruck-bruck-bruck"-ing with noticeably higher voices than CROW's. After a moment, CROW, MIKE, and TOM appear from stage right.] MIKE: Oh, no! Crow! Your golden eggs have ... have HATCHED! CROW: Oh-my-gosh! I'm a Father! Or ... am I a mother? TOM: Crow, I'd say you're definitely a mother. CROW: [Angrily] Okay, Tom, you can just go to -- [The chick puppets become more agitated, and begin chirping frantically.] CROW: [Cooling down] I can't say where, now, because I don't want to upset the little ones. [Speaking to "chicks"] There there, now, don't let the fat red robot upset you. TOM: FAT? Crow, you ... [CROW ignores TOM, having become completely absorbed in paying attention to the "chicks."] TOM: Oh, good grief! MIKE: [Picking up and examining a piece of broken shell] Just gold paint. Not worth anything at all. [Sighs] Oh, well. So much for our get-rich scheme. TOM: Yeah. Another one bites the dust. Speaking of get-rich schemes, I wonder how the Mads are doing with their own. [The Mads light begins flashing.] MIKE: Ah, speak of the devils. [To us] Yes, Mrs. Forrester? [CF. Great Hall. We see PEARL in the foreground sitting behind a computer desk. In the background we see the stacked boxes as before. BOBO stands by the boxes while Observer is standing beside and staring out the window, a worried expression on his face.] PEARL: [To us] Well, Nelson, we're about to officially launch our new product line! I've got everything filled in, I just need to push this "Submit" button and then -- OBSERVER: You'd best hurry, Madam! It looks like a sudden dreadful thunderstorm is blowing in. You know how they can wreck havoc on sensitive electrical systems! PEARL: [To Observer] Relax, Brainboy, I'm almost finished. [To us] All right Nelson, here we go! [Smiling from ear to ear, PEARL theatrically raises her hand, pointer finger extended, and starts to bring it down towards the keyboard. But just before she presses the key everything is filled with a blinding flash of light and a loud clap of thunder sounds. As the light clears we see PEARL still sitting at the computer, but the computer monitor is burned black and smoking. Similarly, PEARL's face -- her wild smile still frozen on it -- is blackened. Her hair is standing straight out and wisps of smoke rise from it as well. In the background, the pile of boxes are all burned and smoldering. OBSERVER and BOBO, like PEARL, have blackened faces and singed, smoking clothes.] PEARL: [Groggily, still staring into the smoking, broken monitor] Gee. I guess I should have bought that surge protector. BOBO: Look at the bright side, Lawgiver! What are the chances of THAT ever happening again? [Immediately everything again fills with a blinding flash and we hear another loud clap of thunder. We fade to credits.] 8======8 8======8 8======8 8======8 8======8 8======8 8======8 8======8 | | | Mystery Science Theater 3000 and its associated characters | | and situations are the property of and trademarks of Best | | Brains, Inc. In no way should this MiSTing be construed to | | be an infringement on those rights. All rights reserved. | | Use of copyrighted and trademarked material is for entertainment | | purposes only; no infringement on the original copyrights or trade- | | marks held by Best Brains, Inc. is intended or should be inferred. | | This post is a satire and not intended as a personal attack upon | | the original author(s) or other persons or characters presented, | | and is meant only as entertainment and commentary. | | | |---------------------------------------------------------------------| | | | Please visit "Jim Gadfly's MiSTing Page" for a list of all my | | MiSTings as well as tools and resource links for other MiSTing | | authors. | | http://www.angelfire.com/va/gadfly | | | 8======8 8======8 8======8 8======8 8======8 8======8 8======8 8======8 > Gibson made a point > of the fact that it was his left hand holding and > positioning a nail to be driven through the hand > of Jesus. In the occult, the left hand indicates > "the force", and the Latin for left is sinister.