G l e n o r G l e n d a ? ----------------------------- A MiSTing by Jim Gadfly gadfly@angelfire.com Published October 10, 1999 Notes: This MiSTing is a sequel to "Night of the Ghouls", at http://pinky.wtower.com/mst3k/archive/night_of_the_ghouls.JG.txt or http://www.angelfire.com/va/gadfly/notg.txt You do NOT have to read the earlier MiSTing to understand what goes on below, although it might help Mike's summary explanation make *somewhat* more sense. The transcript for "Glen or Glenda?" that provides the source for this MiSTing was copied (with permission) from "The Chamber of Dr. Werdegast" website ( http://www.geocities.com/Hollywood/Set/6240 ) It was transcribed by Chris Veinot ( chrisveinot@home.com ) and based, of course, on the Ed Wood movie. I have made some minor spelling and other corrections and added a few additional stage directions to make the action more clear for those who have not seen the film -- these are denoted by {braces}. Enjoy! 8======8 8======8 8======8 8======8 8======8 8======8 8======8 [Season 10 opening images and theme.] ...o...2...3...4...5...6...* [Satellite of Love. Bridge. Streamers hang from the ceiling and party music is playing. Mike, Crow, and Tom stand behind the console. All are wearing party hats. Crow and Tom have wine glasses in their hands and Mike is holding a bottle of champagne and is just finishing topping off Crow's glass.] MIKE: Okay, how about you, Tom? TOM: Sure, Mike, fill 'er up! It's not often we triumph over Pearl! [Mike starts to fill Tom's glass.] TOM: Whoa, buddy, why don't you just pour it right in the old dome? MIKE: Really? You sure? TOM: Hey, why not? The stuff goes straight to my head anyway. MIKE: Okay. [Lifts the cap off Tom's bubble head and begins slowly pouring champagne in it.] Say when, Tom, okay? TOM: You bet. CROW: [Looking at us] Hey, Mike, we're on! MIKE: [Also looking at us] Oh, hi! We're just having a little celebration here. It seems we were just able to stop a plot by Pearl Forrester to take over the world by resurrecting Ed Wood and clandestinely using his -- talents -- as a writer and director to produce a hoax about the earth being invaded by aliens and tricking the U.N. into making her dictator so as to deal with the situation. It's, um, kind of a long story. TOM: [His bubble half full] When. MIKE: [Not having heard Tom and continuing to pour] Anyway, with the help of a seance where we spoke to Bela Lugosi -- CROW: A seance which was *my* idea, I might add. TOM: [His bubble two thirds full, his words slurred] Ah, Mike, you can stop any time -- MIKE: [Still not having heard Tom and still pouring] Yeah, anyway, Bela was able to get word to some people back in the netherworld who sent a soultaker -- ironically, T.V.'s Frank -- down to Ed who was able to warn him of Pearl's plan. Ed was able to thwart the hoax then returned with Frank -- TOM: [His bubble overflowing, his words greatly slurred, his "stance" wobbly] And when Pearl found out, she keeled right over, man, it was a bootiful thing to see. She keeled right -- ooooh [He faints behind the console.] MIKE: [Looking down where Tom fell] Oh, no! Tom, I'm sorry! CROW: Servo never could hold his liquor. MIKE: [Looking back at us, embarrassed] Ummm, we'll be right back. [Break for commercials.] [When we return from commercial break, Mike and Tom are behind the console. Tom has an ice bag on his head.] MIKE: [Softly] Does that help any, Tom? TOM: Ooooh, God, why doesn't my head just explode and get it over with? [Crow enters from the side, carrying a glass of something with a straw stuck in it.] CROW: Here you are Tom, I made you some-- TOM: WILL YOU PLEASE STOP YELLING! CROW: Hey, I wasn't yelling. TOM: THE HECK YOU WEREN'T! MIKE: It's true, Tom, he-- TOM: MIKE, DON'T YOU START, TOO! Ooooooh -- CROW: Anyway, Servo, try to drink this down. It's a special hangover remedy. TOM: At this point I'll try anything. [Takes a long sip from the straw.] Gaah, that's DISGUSTING! It's rancid and -- and STRINGY. What IS it?! CROW: Just a little hair of the dog -- mixed with buttermilk and liquefied to frothy perfection. TOM: WHAT?! UGH-- [Tom ducks under the console and we hear vomiting noises as Mike looks down at him and wrinkles his face in distaste.] CROW: Sorry, Tom. Did the buttermilk upset your stomach? [The mads light begins flashing.] CROW: [Noticing light] Oh-oh, Mike, looks like Pearl's back off the mat, too. MIKE: [Grimaces.] Oh, great. She's gotta be in an awfully foul mood. Maybe I can pick up Tom and we can slip out -- [Castle Forrester. Great Hall. PEARL is in the foreground, her hair disheveled, and movie film wrapped around her neck and arms. In the background, general damage has been done to the furniture and equipment. OBSERVER sits on a couch, his brain tray in his lap. He is moaning and holds one piece of raw steak up to an eye and another piece on his brain. BOBO sits beside him on the couch, a bandage wrapped around his head and one arm in a sling.] PEARL: [To us, angrily] NOT SO FAST, NELSON! You and your tin-plated parking meters think you're pretty hot stuff, eh? You like Ed Wood and Bela Lugosi, eh? Well, you're gonna get 'em now! I'm going to send you a film even *Clayton* didn't have the shriveled little heart to send you! This is the movie that really introduced the world to the peculiar "genius" that was Ed Wood. Prepare yourself for the landmark, camp cross-dressing cult classic, "Glen or Glenda"! [To Observer] Okay, Meat Head, let 'er rip! OBSERVER: I'm afraid that's impossible, Madam. It's already ripped. In fact, in the fit of pique you threw when you awoke, you destroyed every Ed Wood film we had. It was the most irrational tantrum I ever witnessed outside a tennis court. PEARL: WHAT?! OBSERVER: [Alarmed] Not to say you didn't have good reason to throw it! PEARL: Well, why didn't one of you say something? BOBO: I tried, Lawgiver. But when I did you stuffed a film reel down my throat. PEARL: And you call that an excuse?! BOBO: Well, I, uh -- OBSERVER: If I may make a suggestion, Madam. There is still our stack of transcripts. I believe there is one for that particular film you mentioned. PEARL: Well, I guess that's better than nothing. [To us] Okay, Nelson and nelsonettes, here comes that torturous tale of transvestite travails, that quintessential piece of Wood-work, "Glen or Glenda"! [To Observer] Initiate transcription transmission! OBSERVER: Yes, Madam. [Moves head about as "brain noise" plays.] [SoL. Alarms blare and lights flash.] ALL: AAAAAAAAH! WE'VE GOT TRANSCRIPT SIGN! *...6...5...4...3...2...o... [Theater. Mike enters, carrying Tom, followed by Crow.] TOM: Oh, man, I still have one doozy of a headache. MIKE: Sorry, Tom. Unfortunately, I don't think this film will help it any. CROW: Yeah, we'll *all* probably want headache medicine after this. TOM: That or hemlock. [They take their usual seats as the transcript begins rolling.] > > Glen or Glenda? MIKE: Is *he* asking *us*? TOM: Maybe we're supposed to choose our own title? CROW: Oh, neat! An audience participation movie centered around a transvestite, what a clever idea! > > {A still screen with the following words appears} > > "In the making of this film, which deals with a strange > and curious subject, CROW: Cable television? > no punches have been pulled -- no > easy way out has been taken. MIKE: Ed sealed the exits so the cast couldn't escape 'till the film was finished. > Many of the smaller parts > are portrayed by persons who actually are, in real life, TOM: Actors. > the character they portray on the screen. This is a picture > of stark realism... taking no sides... CROW: Yeah, right, and the Christian Coalition is non-partisan. > but giving you the > facts... All the facts... MIKE: And nothing *but* the facts... > as they are today... > > You are society --- JUDGE YE NOT...." TOM: Leave it to professionals like Koch and Judy. > > {Shot of what looks to be a combination "mad doctor's" laboratory and > den. BELA, wearing a smoking jacket, sits in an easy chair reading a > large book. He closes it and looks up at us.} ALL: [With Bela accents] Good e-ven-ing! > > BELA: Man's constant groping of things unknown, TOM: Rather like Torgo -- > drawing > from the endless reaches of time, brings to light many > startling things. Startling because they seem > new...sudden...but most are not new to the signs of the > ages. MIKE: Signs, signs, everywhere there's SIGNS! > A life...is begun! People... CROW: People who need... People... > all going somewhere. All > with their own thoughts, their own ideas. All with their > own personalities. MIKE: Individuality has never sounded more depressing. > One is wrong because he does right...one > is right because he does wrong. TOM: We accidentally get tuned into G. Gordon Liddy's show here? > Pull the strings! CROW: Get Bill Clinton off the draft list! > Dance to > that, which one is created for. MIKE: He's a maniac! MANIAC! > (sigh) A new day is begun. > A new life is begun. TOM: [Singing] Memory... All alone in the moonlight... > A life...is ended. > > [cut to room.] {The body of a man, dressed as a woman, lies on a bed. CROW: A Boy Named Sue: The *True* Story. > A plain-clothed POLICEMAN, a DOCTOR, two uniformed policemen > and some reporters enter the room. A reporter snaps a picture > as the doctor examines the body for a moment. The doctor looks up > at the policeman and glumly shakes his head.} TOM: [As Doctor] He's dead, Jim. > > POLICEMAN: {Gesturing toward a note on bedside table} Let me see that > note. MIKE: [As if reading] Dear Sue, I know this may come as a shock, but we just found out the doctor who delivered you marked the wrong sex on your birth certificate. > > VOICE: The records will tell the story. TOM: Ah, this was before "Books on Tape." > I was put in jail > recently. Why? Because I, a man, was caught on the street > wearing women's clothing. CROW: That he was J-walking didn't help much, either. > This was my fourth arrest for the > same act. In life I must continue wearing them, therefore > it would only be a matter of time before my next arrest. TOM: See? Guys like this are the reason for 3-strikes laws. > This is the only way. Let my body rest in death forever in > the things I cannot wear in life. MIKE: Signed "M. Butterfly." TOM: The tragic thing is that the local cop just had a crush on him and didn't know how else to express it. > > [cut to doctor's office] > > SECRETARY: Inspector Warren is here to see you Dr. Alton. CROW: [As Alton] Damn! Winston Wolf *assured* me this wouldn't happen! > > ALTON: Just show him in, Ms. Stevens. [Warren enters] > Inspector. > > WARREN: Doctor. > > ALTON: Sit down. MIKE: [As Alton] Good boy! Now, speak! > > WARREN: Thank you. You're a very busy man, Dr. Alton, I > know. I appreciate this time you're giving me. TOM: [As Alton] *Giving* you? You don't understand. My timeclock is already running. So far you're up to $200. > > ALTON: Business or pleasure, Inspector? CROW: [As Alton] Do you want me to *be* Doctor or *play* Doctor? > > WARREN: In a way, business. From policeman to inspector. > Twenty years of it. I guess I've seen everything there is > for a policeman to see. MIKE: [As Warren] But I've never been to me. > Yet I wonder if we ever stop > learning. Learning about which we see, trying to learn more > about an ounce of prevention. I'm a man who thrives on > learning. TOM: That and donuts 'n coffee. > We only have one life to live. If we throw that > one away, what is there left? Doctor, I'm hoping to learn > something from you. CROW: [As Alton] Dammit Inspector, I'm a *doctor* not a *tutor*! > And with that knowledge maybe save some > human from a fate which I just witnessed a few days ago. A > four-time loser. MIKE: Like the Vikings and Bills. > This type of case comes to me, as well as > yourself, many times during the course of one month. > > ALTON: The suicide? > > WARREN: The suicide. TOM: Uhhh, the suicide, then? MIKE: Sounds that way. > ALTON: Most of us have our idiosyncrasies. CROW: 'Though some are more idiotic than others. > > WARREN: This fellow's was quite pronounced. MIKE: It was as plain as the rouge on his cheek. > > ALTON: Yes, but I wonder if it rated the death warrant it > received. I don't think so. TOM: Oh, Alton must not be a Republican. > > WARREN: That's why I'm here today, Doctor. What do we do > about it? CROW: Uhhh, bury him? > > ALTON: I've always heard you to be a hard-hearted > policeman, Inspector. MIKE: No, actually that's hard-HEADED. > > WARREN: Isn't that what's thought of most policemen? The > laws are written, the policeman is hired to see that those > laws are enforced. We have a job to do, as in most jobs > there is always someone who doesn't want that job to done. > In most factories today, the employer has put up suggestion > boxes. TOM: Yeah, there's usually rows of them in the restrooms. > Even the employer needs advice once in a while. I > think in the case we're referring to, I need advice. Maybe > it shouldn't have happened as it did. CROW: Maybe he should have just jumped out the window. > Perhaps the next time > we can prevent it. MIKE: Smokey says, only *you* can prevent cross-dressing suicides. > > ALTON: Let's get our stories straight. TOM: [As Alton] In case we're captured and questioned separately. > You're referring to > the suicide of the transvestite? CROW: [As Warren] Oh, heck no! I'm just selling tickets to the Policemen's Ball! > > WARREN: If that's the word you men of medical science use > for a man who wears women's clothing, yes. MIKE: [As Alton] Naah, we call 'em girley-men. > > ALTON: Yes, in cold, technical language, that's the word. > As unfriendly and as vicious as it may sound. TOM: Huh? CROW: "Unfriendly"? "Vicious"? MIKE: Whaa? > However in > actuality it's not an unfriendly word, nor is it vicious > when you know the people to whom it pertains. TOM: Guys like Milton Berle and Flip Wilson. > > WARREN: Would a sex operation do these people any good? I > understand you were quite prominent in a case that hit the > headlines a few weeks ago. > > ALTON: Some cases yes, others no. MIKE: Did Warren really expect a simple answer from a *psychiatrist*? > > WARREN: Well the papers sure had a field day with that one. > > > ALTON: Strange as it may seem, even though it was a "field > day" as you so aptly put it, it's not a new story. Sex > changes have been performed many times. Those whose sex can > be changed, they're the easy ones. CROW: Well, duh. > But what of those who so > desperately want to be of the opposite sex, yet can't > change their sex, such as was the case with Patrick, > Patricia, the suicide. MIKE: The suicide? TOM & CROW: The suicide. > > WARREN: I'd like to understand this, Doctor, as best you > can tell me. [All sigh resignedly.] MIKE: Hunker down, guys, here we go. > > ALTON: You can only fully understand the sex change by > taking two entirely different cases. Two men with exactly > the same background from childhood to manhood, and onto > their own decisions and destinations. CROW: Do people really *talk* like that? > > WARREN: I'd like to hear the story to the fullest. TOM: OH, WILL YOU PLEASE STOP EGGING HIM ON?! > > ALTON: Only the infinity of the depths of a man's mind can > really tell the story. MIKE: Wow. You can't get much deeper than that. CROW: But what exactly is it that we're deep *in*? > > {Cut back to Bela's den.} > > BELA: Dr. Alton. A young man though he is...speaks the words of > the all-wise. TOM: Rush Limbaugh? > No one can really tell the story. CROW: Then what the heck are *we* here for?! > Mistakes > are made. MIKE: [As Bela] Like when I agreed to do this role. > But there is no mistaking the thoughts in a man's > mind. The story...is begun... TOM: Hey, I thought the story began an hour ago! MIKE: Actually, it was just a few minutes. TOM: Really? > > {Town street in daylight. Enter GLEN, dressed as GLENDA, > with blonde wig, blouse, skirt, etc., walking down a sidewalk. CROW: Suddenly Eddie Murphy pulls up and offers him a ride. > He stops at a storefront window featuring mannequins > modeling women's undergarments and nightclothes. He > examines them, and strikes a pose imitating one of the > mannequins.} MIKE: Hey, look, he's trying to act as stiff as they are! TOM: I have a bad feeling that he'll succeed. > > NARR.: One might say, there but for the grace of God go I. TOM: [As Narrator] 'Cause fortunately I'm just a disembodied voice and don't have to make a fool of myself on-screen. > > {Cut to newspaper with headline "WORLD SHOCKED BY SEX CHANGE."} > > Why is a modern world shocked by this headline? Why? Once, > not so very long ago, people were saying: CROW: Lugosi? Hey, he's able to raise the level of *any* film he's in. > > WOMAN: Airplanes...ha! Why it's against the Creator's will. > If the Creator wanted us to fly, he'd have given us wings. TOM: Well, he gave 'em to Paul McCartney. > > NARR.: But we fly. Maybe some of you remember an even > sillier remark: MIKE: Bill Gates? That geek will never amount to anything. > > MAN: Ottymobeels? Ah...they scare the hosses. CROW: And the Little Joes! > If'n the > Creator hadda meant for us to roll around the countryside, > we'd have been born with wheels. TOM: Like the Unsers. > > NARR.: Silly? MIKE: Yes, you are. > Certainly. We were not born with wings, we > were not born with wheels. But in the modern world of today > it's an accepted fact that we must have them. CROW: [As jittery junkie] I-I just GOTTA have 'em, m-m-man! > So we have > corrected that which nature has not given us. Strangely > enough, nature has given us all these things, we just had > to learn how to put nature's elements together for our use, > that's all. TOM: [As Porky] The-a -- a-the-a -- a-the-a -- a-that's all, folks! > Yet the world is shocked by a sex change. MIKE: Of course. *Anybody* can see the logic flow of that. > > WOMAN: If the Creator had wanted us to fly, he'd have given > us wings. > > MAN: If the Creator hadda meant us to roll around > the countryside, we'd have been born with wheels. CROW: If the Creator had meant us to go to the moon, we'd have been born strapped to the top of a Saturn V. > > YOUNG WOMAN: If the Creator had meant us to be boys, we > certainly would have been born boys. > > YOUNG MAN: If the Creator had meant us to be girls, we > certainly would have been born girls. TOM: If the Creator wasn't sure, we would have been born Mr. B Naturals. > > NARR.: Are we sure? Nature makes mistakes, it's proven > everyday. MIKE: Consider, for example, Yahoo Serious. > This person is a transvestite. A man who is more > comfortable wearing women's clothing. CROW: Oh, yeah? Try getting through a date in high heels and a tight girdle and see how comfortable *you* feel, fella! [Crow notices Mike and Tom looking at him oddly.] CROW: [Nervously] I've, uh, *heard* it was pretty uncomfortable, anyway. Heh-heh. > The term transvestite > is the name given by medical science to those persons who > wear the clothing of the opposite sex. The title of this > can only be labelled Behind Locked Doors. TOM: I thought the title was "Glen or Glenda?" > Give this man > satin undies, a dress, a sweater and a skirt, or even the > lounging outfit he has on, and he's the happiest individual > in the world. MIKE: [Singing] I'm the ha-pi-est guy In the whole... U.S.A.... > He can work better, think better, he can play > better, and he can be more of a credit to his community and > his government because he is happy. CROW: Somehow I don't know if this is quite what Jefferson had in mind when he wrote the Declaration. > These things are his > comfort. But why the wig and makeup? TOM: Yeah, what gives? > He dares to enter the > street dressed in the clothes he so much desires to wear. > But only if he really appears female. The long hair, the > makeup, the clothing, the actual contours of a girl. MIKE: Oh, so *that's* where the guys in that Lite Beer commercial made their mistake! > > {Cut to a kitchen. Glen and BARBARA sit on opposite sides > of a dinette table.} > > Most transvestites do not want to change their life, their bodies, > many of them simply want to change the clothing they wear to that > as worn by the opposite sex. CROW: Hey, what's wrong with that? If Mel Gibson can win an Oscar wearing a skirt -- > Glen is engaged to be married to > Barbara, a lovely intelligent girl. TOM: Who's appearing in this movie despite all that. > > BARBARA: Those fingernails have got to go. MIKE: [As Glen] Okay. [Makes ripping sound] AAAAAAAH! > > GLEN: You know I didn't realise they were as long as they > are. ALL: LIAR! LIAR! LIAR! > > BARBARA: My goodness, they're almost as long as mine. Maybe > even prettier. We'll have to paint them some time, just for > the fun of it. TOM: Huh? CROW: Sounds like Barbara has her own little "idiosyncrasies." > > GLEN: We'll trim them... > > BARBARA: That's for sure! TOM: That or learn to run track. > > GLEN: You know Honey, you've invited me to dinner so many > times in the last couple of months, it's almost like we're > married already. MIKE: [As Glen, gruffly] So why don't you go get me a beer while I sit back and turn on the game. > > BARBARA: I wish we were, Darling. It's been a long year. CROW: [As Barbara] In fact, the more time we spend together, the longer it seems. > > GLEN: For both of us. TOM: [As Barbara, indignantly] And just what do you mean by *that*? > > BARBARA: But now, my studies are through, college is > concluded, and I'm free at last! MIKE: [As Barbara] Free to bind myself to a man who'll keep me in servitude the rest of my life! > > GLEN: Free...for the time being. CROW: [As Glen] Until those handcuffs I ordered come in, heh-heh. > > BARBARA: Huh? Oh...how about joining me for an after-dinner > drink? TOM: [As Barbara] Or two? Or five? > > GLEN: The living room? > > BARBARA: Uh huh. CROW: The living room, the bedroom, the pool table -- wherever. > > NARR.: Modern man is a hard-working human. Throughout the > day his mind and his muscles are busy at building the > modern world and its business administration. His clothing > is rough, coarse, starched, MIKE: Like the meals Barbara makes for Glen -- > according to the specifications > of his accepted job. At home, what does man have to look > forward to for his body comfort? The things provided for > his home. A wool or flannel robe, his feet encased in the > same thick, tight-fitting leather that his shoes are made > of...these are the things provided for his home comfort. It > doesn't look so comfortable, does it? TOM: Jeez, where does this guy do his clothes shopping, "Masochists 'R Us"? > And get the hat - or > better still get the receding hairline. Men's hats are so > tight they cut off the blood flow to the head, thus cutting > off the growth of hair. Seven out of ten men wear a hat, so > the advertisements say. Seven out of ten men are bald. CROW: Ed Wood, founder of alt.conspiracy.balding. > But > what about the ladies? Yes, modern woman is a hard-working > individual also. MIKE: In those undervalued jobs that men were willing to concede to them back then. > But when modern woman's day of work is > done, that which is designed for her comfort IS comfort. > Hats that give no obstruction to the bloodflow, hats that > do not crush the hair. Interesting thought, isn't it? TOM: Uh, well, no, actually. > > {Cut to scene of an African village with dancing natives.} > > Just for comparison, let's go native. Back to the animal > instinct. CROW: [As a native] I am not an animal! I am a native dancing! > There in the lesser civilized part of the world, TOM: But it doesn't *look* like Wisconsin. MIKE: Cute, Tom. > it's the male who adorns himself with the fancy objects, > such as paints, frills, and masks. MIKE: So now we know where Dennis Rodman got his inspiration. > The true instinct. The > animal instinct. TOM: The "let's assume blacks are closer to being animals than whites" instinct. > Bird and animal life. Is it not so that > it's the male who is the fancy one? Could it be that the > male was meant to attract the attention of the female? > What's so wrong about that? CROW: Yeah. You gotta problem wit'dat? > Where is the animal instinct in > modern civilization? MIKE: Wall Street? > Female has the fluff and the finery, > as specified by those who design and sell. TOM: It's a corporate conspiracy, I tell ya! > Little Miss > Female, you should feel quite proud of the situation. CROW: Yeah, you prissy little -- > You > of course realise it's predominantly men who design your > clothes, your jewelry, your makeup, your hair styling, your > perfume. MIKE: You're just an ignorant dupe of The Man! > But life, even thought it's changes are slow, > moves on. TOM: [Slowly] Ooo... blah... dee... > There's no law against wearing such apparel on > the street, as long as it can be distinguished that man is > man and woman is woman. CROW: And a Manwich is a meal. > {Cut to image of a homely looking > man in an easy chair wearing a dress and reading a paper. He > has no wig or makeup and has a beard.} > > But, what is it that would happen were this individual to appear > on the street? MIKE: Road kill? > You're doing it now - laughing. TOM: Actually, we've been laughing since the movie started. > Yet, it's not a > situation to be laughed at. ALL: [Feigned remorse] We're sor-ry. > Thus, the strange case of Glen, who > was Glenda, one and the same person. TOM: One person, under God, indivisible -- > Not half man-half woman, but MIKE: An incredible simulation! > nevertheless, man and woman in the same body, even though by all > outward appearances Glen is fully and completely a man. CROW: Well ... we'd probably have to check with Barbara on that. MIKE: [Standing and picking up Tom] Come on, guys, it's time for a break. TOM: Hey, works for me. CROW: Let's do it. [All exit theater.] [Break for commercials.] [SoL. Bridge. The mads light is already blinking on the console as Crow, Mike and Tom enter from the side.] CROW: Hey, look! Pearl is calling already. MIKE: Good grief, what does she want now? TOM: Really. [They all stare at us for a moment.] TOM: Hey, there's nobody there! CROW: I guess she forgot to turn off the interface again. MIKE: Yeah. Wait, look -- here comes somebody. [Castle Forrester. Great Hall. Furniture is still knocked askew, some equipment is still overturned, and strips of move film lie everywhere. Observer enters, wrapped in his usual cloak and cowl, and carrying his brain tray. He apparently does not realize he is being watched.] OBSERVER: [Mimicking Pearl] "Brain Guy, I want you to clean this place up while I take Bobo to the vet to get his head examined." As if the vet will *find* anything up there! Oh, well, if I've got to do this I may as well make myself comfortable. [Observer sets down his brain tray. He then unbottons his cowl and slips it off, revealing that he is wearing a long blond wig. He drops his cape and pulls off his tunic, revealing a blouse and short skirt. His legs are in pantyhose. He begins whistling "Morning Train" as he starts picking up the film and resetting the equipment and furniture.] [SoL. Crow, Mike, and Tom stare blankly at us, their mouths ajar.] [C.F. In the midst of his housekeeping, Observer notices the time on a wall clock.] OBSERVER: Oh, my goodness! "Designing Women" is on! [He quickly runs forward and turns on a TV set, the front of which we cannot see from our angle, then goes back and sits on the couch.] FEMALE VOICE ON TV: Good afternoon. Welcome to Lifetime TV. [Observer smiles, crosses his legs one knee atop the other, and swings his top leg gently as he takes out an emery board and begins filing his nails.] [SoL. Mike and the 'bots continue to stare blankly at us. Suddenly Mike shakes his head as if awakening from a trance.] MIKE: I, ummm, think that we need to speak to Pearl about leaving that interface on. TOM: Uh, yeah. CROW: Huh? Oh, right. Good idea. [Alarms blare and lights flash.] MIKE: Oh, great, and now we've got TRANSCRIPT SIGN! ALL: AAAAAAAAH! *...6...5...4...3...2...o... [Theater. Mike enters, carrying Tom, followed by Crow. They retake their seats.] MIKE: You know, I think I like the Brain Guy better as an ObservER than an ObservEE. TOM: I concur with that observation. CROW: Me too. The guy's definitely *not* webcam fodder. [The transcript resumes.] > > {Begin flashback to Glen's earlier days at home.} > > GLEN: My sister let me borrow her dress. TOM: [As Glen] I then agreed to stop twisting her arm. > > FATHER: You want to borrow your sister's dress?! What for? > > GLEN: I want to wear it the Halloween Party. CROW: [As Glen] I'm gonna splatter it with pig's blood and go as Carrie. > > FATHER: There are names for boys who go around wearing > girls' clothes. MIKE: Unfriendly, vicious names like ... TRANSVESTITE! > > MOTHER: Oh, don't be silly Darling. You go ahead and wear > your sister's dress, Glen. You always did look much better > as a girl than you do as a man. CROW: Thanks, Ma. *You're* a big help. > > NARR.: Glen did wear the dress to the Halloween party. He > even took first prize. Then one day it wasn't Halloween any > longer. TOM: That's right, it was ... [ominously] ALL SAINTS DAY. > > {Cut to scene where Glen's sister, SHEILA, walks in on > Glen who, wearing a dress and wig, sits reading a paper. > Both appear shocked and speechless. CROW: [As Sheila] You're wearing THAT? In AUTUMN?! > This fades to scene with > Sheila and a FRIEND standing beside a water cooler chatting.} > > FRIEND: I wish I had the sight into such things to be able > to advise you, Sheila. Maybe...maybe if you took the > problem to a doctor. MIKE: [As Sheila] I did. He just had me drink some awful lime and coconut mixture. > > SHEILA: It's Glen that needs the doctor. TOM: [As Sheila] It's Glen, I tell you! Glen! GLEN! > But, but when > things like this go wrong with someone so close, and in > your own family, it's so hard to believe. > > FRIEND: It's not really hard to believe, it's just hard for > you to accept! CROW: Oooo, score one for the young Ruth Westheimer! > > SHEILA: Well of course it's hard for me to accept! Suppose > I were to come home with Roy or one of my other boyfriends > [!!] some night, and find Glen like I did last night. MIKE: Do I detect a hint of jealousy there? TOM: Just because Glen looks better in a dress than Sheila -- > > FRIEND: Yeah...that would be hard to explain. CROW: Hey, "Friend", whose side are you on, anyway? > > SHEILA: That's the understatement of the year. Just how > does one go introducing your friends to your brother when > Brother's wearing you best sweater, your skirt, and makeup > to boot?! TOM: Well, just tell 'em he's trying to stay out of Korea. > > NARR.: Glen is not a homosexual. Glen is a transvestite, > but he is not a homosexual. MIKE: He is a transvestite. > transvestitism is the term given > by medical science to those persons who desperately wish to > wear the clothing of the opposite sex, yet whose sex life > in all instances remains quite normal. CROW: Except sometimes he mistakenly puts on his partner's clothes the morning after. > {Shot of a lineman > at work.} Would you be surprised to know that this rough, > tough individual is wearing pink, satin undies under his > rough exterior clothing? He is. TOM: [Suggestively] And just how would *you* know, hummmmm? > Then there is your friend > the milkman who...who knows how to find comfort at home. MIKE: [Old-time radio voice] Who *knows* what comfort lurks in the homes of men? > > {Cut to a Superior Court judge sitting behind his bench. > We hear several successive women's voices addressing him.} > > WOMAN: I can't stand it any longer. He wears all my > clothes...nothing is sacred to him. Even my briefs! TOM: What, this woman has sacred briefs?! MIKE: Maybe she used to be a nun. > > WOMAN: He has every one of my sweaters stretched out of > shape. Of course he has always replaced them, but then they > didn't last long either! MIKE: Hey! Do I detect a market for a new line of super-stretch sweaters here? > > WOMAN: But your Honour, ruffles on his shirts and > shorts...really! CROW: George Washington didn't have a problem with it. > > NARR.: Glen and all the hundreds of thousands of other > Glens across the nation face quite a problem. Glen is > engaged to be married to Barbara, a lovely intelligent > girl. TOM: Except in her choice of fiancees. CROW: Hey, didn't he already call her "a lovely intelligent girl" a little while ago? MIKE: Remember the movie "Ed Wood"? The actress playing Barbara was Ed's real-life girlfriend at the time, and he wrote the part for her. CROW: Oh, that explains it. > The problem? Glenda, Glen's other self. The girl that > he himself is, his other individual personality. MIKE: It makes it hard to compete with the other woman when you're in love with him. TOM: Yeah, it makes for one weird love triangle. CROW: Don't you mean line segment? > > {Cut to a living room. Glen and Barbara sit in a pair > of adjacent chairs.} > > BARBARA: You look tired tonight Glen. > > GLEN: Yeah, I guess I am. It's been a long day. ALL: [Singing] It's been a hard day's night... > > BARBARA: Have you seen the paper yet? > > GLEN: No, why? CROW: [As Barbara] Oh. Okay. That must have been the dog then. > > BARBARA: It's headline. A man had his sex changed to a > woman. Isn't that a strange case? I wonder how some > people's mind works. TOM: It's not his *mind* that works differently now. > > GLEN: Well some people aren't happy the way they are. > > BARBARA: I suppose so, but to change one's sex, that's a > pretty drastic step to take. CROW: Well he tried rearranging the furniture, but that just didn't cut it. MIKE: Crow, don't use the term "cut it" right now. CROW: Huh? > > GLEN: If it's the only way, I'm for it. MIKE: [As Glen, sheepishly] Uhhh, don't you agree? Honey? > > BARBARA: I wonder what I would do in a case like that, if I > were in the mental turmoil that person went through. TOM: [As Glen] Yeah, it's a crying game-- I mean *shame*. > Or if > I suddenly realised that something was mentally wrong with > you. CROW: [As Glen, defensively] NOTHING'S WRONG WITH ME! [Embarrassed] Oh, uh, sorry. > Ooh...it's hard to visualize. MIKE: So let's go to the slides. > Here we are, two > perfectly normal people, about to married and lead a normal > life together. TOM: Ah, Ed Wood's "subtle" attempt at irony. > And there's this poor fellow who never could > have been happy if it wasn't for modern medical science. > Our fourth term in psychology explains a lot of the facts, > but I'm afraid the end of study is only the beginning of > reality. CROW: No, it's the end of *college* that marks the beginning of reality. > > NARR.: Glen's problem is a deep one, but he must tell > her...soon...She's begun to notice things: his nails, his > eyes when he looks into a lady's store window, so many of > the little things that are so hard to hide. MIKE: And following her into the ladies room at the restaurant that time -- that was a pretty big slip-up. > Soon she will > realise. Then there was the time Barbara was wearing the > sweater Glen had always wanted to feel on his own body. It > was becoming an obsession to him. He must have it. TOM: Well, couldn't he just buy another one like it for himself? CROW: And take a chance on both him *and* Barbara showing up somewhere wearing the same thing? Please! > > BARBARA: What's the matter Darling? > > GLEN: Oh, I guess I was daydreaming. CROW: So Glen's a daydream believer *and* a homecoming queen? TOM: No, Glen is *not* a homosexual. > > BARBARA: Something seems to be troubling you. Why don't you > tell me? > > GLEN: It's nothing. MIKE: Poor deluded Glen thinks that'll stop her. > > BARBARA: Once, long ago, just after we started going steady > together, we promised we'd never lie to each other. Are we > gonna start now, just because we're engaged to be married? TOM: Well, it makes good practice for *after* you're married. > > GLEN: It's just that, oh Barbara it's nothing that a little > sleep won't cure, it's been a long day. TOM & CROW: [Singing] It's been a hard d-- MIKE: Whoa, guys, we covered that one already. > > BARBARA: It's more than that. Come on, tell me Darling. Who > knows, maybe I can help. CROW: Boy, she's really trying to *drag* it out of him. [Mike & Tom moan.] > > GLEN: That's just it you could. TOM: [As Barbara] Oh, in that case -- huh? > > BARBARA: Then something is troubling you. > > GLEN: Yes. CROW: [As Barbara, excitedly] YES! I knew it! Man, my psych prof would be so proud! > > BARBARA: Do I have a right to know? MIKE: Note the difference: Fiancees *ask*, wives *assume*. TOM: Oh, right, Nelson. Like *you'd* know. > > GLEN: You have a right to know. But let's just say for the > moment, I'm afraid to tell you. I'm afraid I'd lose you. TOM: Ah, *that* should alleviate all her worries. > > BARBARA: Nothing could be as bad as all that. I love you, > and you love me, and nothing in the world can change that. > > GLEN: I hope not. I really hope not. CROW: [As Glen] I mean I REALLY, REALLY hope not. > > BARBARA: Glen, is it another woman? MIKE: [As Alton] In Some cases yes, others no. > > {Cut to an overhead shot of an agitated buffalo herd which fades back > to Bela's den.} CROW: 'The hell??? TOM: [As a buffalo] Oh my God! Debbie's not a real cow, she's a bull wearing a set of fake teats! > > BELA: Pull the string! Pull the string! CROW: Get Dan Quayle into the National Guard! > A mistake is made. > A story must be told. MIKE: Oh, God, not another one! ALL: NOOOOOOOO!!! > > NARR.: Always the same. He's not had the nerve to tell her. > But he must soon come to some conclusion or forget the > marriage. TOM: Yeah, I'd love to see a conclusion myself about now. > Should he tell Barbara of his Glenda now, before > the wedding, or hit her between the eyes with it after, > when it might be too late for either of them. The world is > a strange place to live in. CROW: Actually it's not the world so much as the people in it. > All those cars, all going > someplace, all carrying humans, which are carrying out > their lives. The world is shocked by a person who changed > his sex. Glenda is shocked also, but by another reason: > Someone like her had the nerve to do something factual > about their situation. MIKE: [As Glenda] Well of all the nerve! > There are so many problems for Glen > and all the other Glens. Perhaps the fear of discovery of > the underthings they wear beneath their regular outer > clothing, or that which they wear during their nightly > visit to Morpheus, God of Sleep. TOM: Ah yes, good ol' Morpheus, God of SLEEEEP! > > {Shot of a CASHIER behind a lingerie counter, with a > male customer in front.} > > CASHIER: Thank you very much and I'm sure she's going to > enjoy it very much. If you want to return it be sure that > you bring the sales slip. Thank you. [enter Glen] Can I > help you Sir? MIKE: [As Glen, nervously and rapidly] I'M NOT A TRANSVESTITE! [Embarrassed] Oh, sorry. > > GLEN: Yeah. Let me see a nightie. > > CASHIER: What size? > > GLEN: Twelve. TOM: [As Glen] I know that's about *my* size, but that doesn't make you suspicious, does it? > > CASHIER: The colour, the material? > > GLEN: Black, very sheer. CROW: [As Cashier] Height? Weight? Date of birth? > > CASHIER: Just a minute. Well we have this here. If you like > that, something like this? That lace? MIKE: That Covergirl lace. > > GLEN: Yeah... > > NARR.: Perhaps he admires the material too long. TOM: Perhaps asking to take it into a dressing room wasn't such a good idea. > > CASHIER: You can see how sheer the material really is. > > GLEN: Yes. CROW: [As Glen, breathlessly] Oh, yes! Yes! > > CASHIER: You see it's all pure nylon and only $21.95! And > of course it will never snag. MIKE: Rip, tear, run, sure. But never snag! > > NARR.: But, Glen and Glenda, and all the Glens and Glendas, > have an even bigger problem. TOM: Shifting fashions? > The homosexual, it is true, > does adopt the clothing or the makeup of a woman to lure > the members of his own sex. CROW: "Lure", huh? So we're non-judgmental about transvestites, but we can still stereotype blacks and homosexuals? MIKE: I guess you could call it "Liberal Lite." > But this is not so for the > transvestite. The transvestite is not interested in those > of their own sex. MIKE: Glen is a transvestite. TOM: Glen is not a homosexual. > The clothing is not worn to attract the > attention of their own sex, but to eliminate themselves > from being a member of that sex. CROW: Which is *much* healthier. > > {Cut around various shots of traffic, then shots of industrial > steel-making machinery as we hear the voices of JACK and JOE > overlaying it all.} > > JACK: Hi Joe. > > JOE: Hiya Jack. TOM: [As Joe] Where's Jill? > > > JACK: Monday again. MIKE: Just can't *trust* that day. > > JOE: You know I think Monday's about the worst day of the > week. A perfectly wonderful weekend then... > > JACK: Back to the sweatshops. CROW: Oh, these guys must work for Nike. > > JOE: Too bad we was born to work. Say, did you read about > the guy who had his sex changed to a girl. Say's he was > perfectly normal, too! TOM: A normal -- which? > > JACK: How could a guy be normal and go and do a thing like > that to hisself? > > JOE: It must take a lot of guts to pull a stunt like that. MIKE: And a lot of money helps, too. > > JACK: That's a problem I don't ever intend to face. > > JOE: Maybe it's a problem we should all face. TOM: We should all get our sexes changed? > > JACK: I don't getcha. > > JOE: Just think of the unhappy life. The miserable time > this world of ours must have given that poor guy. > > JACK: I still don't getcha. CROW: [As Jack] You see, I'm a simple stereotypical palooka. > > JOE: Now here's a guy who wanted to be a girl. Suppose'n > there had been no way to change his sex. > > JACK: You sound as if you were really head up on this > thing. > > JOE: I guess I am. MIKE: [As Joe] I read a whole "Reader's Digest" article about it last time I went to the can. > > JACK: Do you realise what would happen if every man in the > country who wanted to wear women's clothes or felt like a > woman went to the doctors and wanted a sex change? TOM: Uh, Jack, you apparently *know* a lot of such people? > > JOE: Of course, that's why I say perhaps society should be > a little bit more lenient, but maybe society should try to > understand them as human beings. CROW: [As Jack] Goodness, Joe, you really *are* a bleeding-heart pinko commie! > Another day done...thank > goodness. See you tomorrow, Jack. > > {Cut to a dark cloudy sky. Lightening flashes and thunder cracks > and we hear a female VOICE.} > > VOICE: Yeah, so long Joe. Until tomorrow. TOM: What the-- MIKE: Hey! Magic Voice had a bit part in this! CROW: All these years, and she never told us! TOM: Do you blame her? > > {Cut to JOHNNY's apartment. Glen enters.} > > JOHNNY: Hi Glen! > > GLEN: Hi Johnny. MIKE: Monday again. > > JOHNNY: Come on in. I'm headed right for the kitchen > [although it sounds like he says kickin']. CROW: Maybe Johnny's a dancer in "A Chorus Line." > I can't let that > dinner burn. TOM: Yeah, you remember what happened in "Mrs. Doubtfire." CROW: Then again, some like it hot. > You know I thought I was going to have to eat > alone tonight. > > GLEN: Well you probably will because I've already eaten. MIKE: [As Glen] I didn't want to take a chance on having to choke down one of *your* meals. > > JOHNNY: What's up? > > GLEN: Nothin' much. CROW: [As Glen] Not since I left Barbara's a while ago, anyway. > > JOHNNY: Say, you really look down in the dumps. TOM: Yeah, he looks like a regular Fred Sanford. > > GLEN: I guess I've got a problem. > > JOHNNY: Haven't we all? > > GLEN: I mean a real problem. MIKE: [As Glen] Not an overblown complaint like *you*. > One like I've never had to > face before. CROW: [As Glen] I just can't decide on the style of wedding gown I should wear. > > JOHNNY: Our whole existence is one big problem after > another. > > GLEN: I want to get married. TOM: [As Johnny] Well, gee, Glen, I *like* you and all, but -- > > JOHNNY: You have a problem. When did this all come about? > > GLEN: For nearly a year I've been engaged to a very > wonderful girl. MIKE: [As Glen] Did I mention she's also a lovely, intelligent girl? > Now the time is getting very close to the > man with the book, and I'm scared to death. CROW: What, is he talking about Stephen King? > > JOHNNY: Do you love her? > > GLEN: Very much. > > JOHNNY: Does she love you? TOM: [As Glen] Hell, no. But I figure after I abduct her and cut off her arms and legs -- > > GLEN: Yes. > > JOHNNY: There's no problem. Marry the girl! MIKE: [As Johnny] You kids today are always trying to make things sound so complex! > > GLEN: Are you forgetting about my other self? > > JOHNNY: You have to tell her of course. CROW: [As Glen] But my other self already *knows* about Barbara. > > GLEN: Yeah...I have to tell her. But when? Before? Or > after? > > JOHNNY: I think you know the answer to that one yourself. TOM: [As Glen] Oh, of course, you're right! The wedding night it is! > > GLEN: My mind's in a muddle, like in a thick fog. CROW: [As Glen] I keep having visions of Adrienne Barbeau -- > I can't > make sense to myself sometimes. MIKE: [As Glen] It's worse than a Marilyn Manson video. > I thought I could stop > wearing these things. I tried, honestly I tried. I haven't > had a stitch of them on for nearly two weeks until tonight. > Then I couldn't stand it any more. TOM: [As Glen] I had to pop a couple of buttons. [Sobs] I washed them down with gin. > I had to put them on or > go out of my mind. I'm afraid I'll lose her. I don't want > that to happen because I really love her. > > JOHNNY: Okay. Here's a story from fact... ALL: [A la "Dragnet"] Dummm--da-dum, dum. > > {Cut to scene with Johnny sitting in an easy chair wearing > a frilly nightgown.} TOM: Oh, Johnny must be the transvestite who originally recruited Glen into his life of perversity. MIKE: God, Tom, transvestitism doesn't work anything like that! TOM: Hey, you trying to imply that Falwell and Robertson are *wrong*? > > NARR.: Johnny tells his story. He had not too long ago been > married himself. He had kept quiet about his transvestite > desires in hope that the new wife would never discover it. MIKE: [As Mrs. Johnny] Honey, you bought yet *another* dress for me that's three sizes too big! CROW: [As Johnny] Darn! Well, just stick it in the closet with those *other* oversized dresses. I really gotta return those some day. Hum, hum hummm... > > {Johnny's wife enters the room. She is angry at seeing > Johnny dressed as he is.} However, one day, the little woman > came home unexpectedly an hour early. CROW: Well, what did "the little woman" do then? TOM: Move to Indonesia and get a job as a news cameraman? > > JOHNNY: That marriage ended here. {Shot of a door labelled > "SUPERIOR COURT Division 7." We then return to Johnny's > apartment where he is talking to Glen.} Will your problem be > like mine? Most probably it will, because her love hasn't been > built up for such a thing. ALL: [A la Hans and Franz] You've got to [clap] PUMP IT UP! > She, your wife, she will not > have been taught enough about the problems to cope with it. MIKE: Maybe they have a course on it at the local Community College. > > NARR.: Glen, Glenda, must now make her decision, or > forever forget the marriage to Barbara. Glen, Glenda, > should consult a competent psychiatrist, TOM: That or consult Alton -- > but then very few > transvestites wish to change their desires. This is their > life. To take it away from them might do as great a harm as > taking away an arm or a leg, or life itself. CROW: Kinda like removing a symbiot from a Trill. > Many even > carry their transvestite desires to the grave with them. MIKE: Like Dr. Frank N. Furter. > Yes, it is a problem, but Glenda...remember back almost a > year ago when Glen and Barbara accepted each other? TOM: Uh, no, we haven't been following this story for an entire year. CROW: It just *seems* that way. > > {Cut to scene of living room. Glen and Barbara are kissing.} CROW: Careful, the lipstick might rub off. MIKE: Barbara's pretty careful about that. CROW: I was talking about *Glen*. > > GLEN: G'night. > > BARBARA: That's the sixth time you've said goodnight. TOM: [As Glen] Sorry. I guess I shouldn't have watched "The Waltons" tonight. > > GLEN: I guess it is. Look, come on over here a minute. > > BARBARA: What is it? CROW: [As Glen] It's one-sixtieth of an hour, but that's not important right now. > > GLEN: Nevermind, just sit down. [pulls out a ring] MIKE: [As Bela] Pull the ring! > > BARBARA: Oh, I was beginning to think you'd never get > around to it! TOM: [As Glen] Really? How did you know I was going to ask your opinion of this ring I bought for Mary? > > GLEN: Then you mean you will? > > BARBARA: What do you think? > > GLEN: When? CROW: [As Barbara] Right now. What do you think *right now*? > > BARBARA: I must finish college first, only seven months to > go. MIKE: [As Glen] But that's what you said at this time last semester before you flunked! > > GLEN: Well that's hardly long enough for you to get a > trousseau together. > > BARBARA: How would you know about such things? TOM: [As Glen] Oops -- uh -- that's a collection of Doonesbury comics, right? > Glen, what's > the matter? > > GLEN: Huh? > > BARBARA: All of a sudden you seem a thousand miles off. > > GLEN: Yes, I guess I was, Honey. CROW: [As Glen] I've been working on my Astral Projecting lately. > That's a mighty pretty > dress you're wearing tonight. ALL: OH-OH. > > BARBARA: I wear my best to please you. MIKE: [As Barbara] Do you find me pleasing? Do I please you? > > GLEN: You know, when you look at me you just tie me in > knots. TOM: [As Barbara, sighing resignedly] Oh, I guess you're in one of *those* moods tonight. > > BARBARA: I love to tie you in knots. TOM: Whoa, Barb, I was just *kidding* there! > I'll be so happy when > these next few months are over. > > GLEN: Some special reason? MIKE: [As Barbara] Uh, the wedding? CROW: [As Glen] Oh, yeah, that. I forgot. > > BARBARA: Of course. So you can stop kissing me goodbye at > the door every night. > > GLEN: Yes. > > BARBARA: So you can hold me close to you always. > > GLEN: Yes. CROW: [Breathlessly] Oh, yes! Yes! > > BARBARA: Then all you'll have to do is call, and close your > eyes, and feel my lips on yours. TOM: [As Glen, excitedly] Forget college! Let's head for Vegas, NOW! > > {Return to present day. Glenda enters an apartment, > distraught, and collapses beside a couch. Fade back > to Bela's den.} > > BELA: Beware...beware! Beware of the big green dragon that > sits on your doorstep. MIKE: Dudley? > He eats little boys...puppy dog > tails, and big, fat snails. CROW: Oh, neat! He keeps obnoxious kids and dogs away *and* prevents those unsightly slug trails on the front of your house! > Beware, take care....beware! TOM: Play fair! MIKE: Show flair! CROW: Use Nair! MIKE: You know, *whatever* they paid Bela to recite this dialog, it wasn't enough. > > [And here begins the horribly strange, long, and quite > boring dream sequence.] TOM: So we get to skip the dream sequence? MIKE: [As Bela] How fortunate! This will simplify everything! CROW: Oh, thank you, Mr. Transcriber, sir! > > {Cut to scene of Glen's bedroom. Glen walks in dressed as > Glenda. He sits in front of his dresser, stares at his > reflection with great anxiety, then dramatically rips off > his wig.} MIKE: [As Glen, angrily] Oooo, if I hear one more "dumb blonde" joke -- TOM: Maybe it's just his time of the month. CROW: And it's about our time to take another break, isn't it? MIKE: [Standing and picking up Tom] Works for me. TOM: Let's boogie. [All exit the theater.] ...o...2...3...4...5...6...* [SoL. Bridge. Crow and Tom stand behind the console. Mike enters and takes his place between them. He has a large plate of steaming escargot in one hand and three smaller plates and a spoon in his other.] MIKE: [Setting the large plate down] One thing about this film and its talk of snails; it's caused me a sudden hankering for escargot! [Mike places a small plate in front of each of them and begins spooning escargots into the small plates from the larger one.] TOM: Uh, Mike? MIKE: Yes, Tom? TOM: You're kinda weird, you know that? MIKE: [Pauses a moment, then] Does that mean you *don't* want escargot? TOM: Of course not, you silly man! Dish 'er out! MIKE: All right! [Resumes spooning.] CROW: Mike, what exactly was Ed Wood talking about with that "big green dragon" thing? MIKE: [Pauses in spooning again] Well, it's always a bit dangerous to guess about what Ed Wood means in any particular scene, but I think the green dragon was some sort of analogy for jealously. [As Mike continues speaking, Gypsy, disguised as a large green dragon, begins creeping, unseen, into the picture behind him and the 'bots] MIKE: I'm guessing that the eating of little boys, puppy dog tails and snails is symbolic of some males, like this Glen guy, becoming consumed with jealousy of females, or something like that. CROW: So the dragon's not real? MIKE: [Laughing] No, of course not! GYPSY: ROAR! I AM THE BIG GREEN DRAGON THAT SITS ON YOUR DOORSTEP! BEWARE! ROAR! MIKE: [Terrified, facing Gypsy] OH MY GOD! IT'S THE DRAGON!!! MIKE, CROW & TOM: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!!! [Mike, Crow & Tom, panicked, all dash offscreen. Gypsy casually moves forward and takes a long sniff of the abandoned plates of food which she now has all to herself.] GYPSY: [Sighs contentedly, then looks at us] What can I say? I like escargot! [Break for commercials.] [Following the commercial break, we rejoin Mike, Tom and Crow as they retake their seats in the theater.] CROW: Oh, yeah, right, dragons aren't real. MIKE: Well, how was I to know? TOM: Next you'll be saying that "Puff" song wasn't based on a true story. MIKE: It wasn't! CROW & TOM: MIKE! MIKE: Okay, okay, nevermind. [The transcript resumes.] > > NARR.: Glen, Glenda, has made the decision. CROW: Wow, I never even thought he'd go the distance! > > {Cut to living room where Glen and Barbara sit beside each > other on a couch.} > > Glen has decided to tell Barbara of his dual personality. To > tell her of the nighties, the negligees, the sweaters and > skirts, the robes and dresses, the stockings and the > high-heeled shoes, the wig and the makeup. TOM: All right, already, I think we get the point! > All that goes to > make Glen into Glenda. MIKE: Poor Glenda should realize that it's the *inner* her that really matters. > He tells Barbara he cannot cheat her > of the knowledge that she as his fiancee should possess. All > the facts. He tells her softly, hurriedly at first, then > slowly as he becomes more technical. TOM: [As Glen] And here, Darling, is the precise way I apply mascara. Pay attention, now, because it looks much better than yours. > His hands move to > caress the smooth material of her angora sweater, which he > has so long, so desperately wanted to put on his own body. > He tells of this to her, and she looks to the sweater and > to his hands. Then, CROW: She hurls -- > when it is all over, and that much of > the story he knows is told, Barbara is not sure of her own > thoughts. MIKE: Ed was rushed and forgot to finish that part of the script. > > GLEN: That's about it Darling. I've wanted to tell you for > a long long time but just couldn't bring myself to do it. > I've been too much afraid of losing you. TOM: [As Barbara, nervously] Really? Why? Oh my, look at the time! Well, I'd better be going now -- > > BARBARA: Glen, I don't fully understand this, but maybe > together we can work it out. CROW: [As Barbara] But only time will tell if I am right or I am wrong. > > {Cut back to Alton's office.} > > WARREN: Is that the end of the story? ALL: SAY YES!!! > > ALTON: Not quite, ALL: NOOOOO!!! > I'll get back to it in a minute. MIKE: [As Alton] But first a word from our sponsor. > Glen's > case is really the lesser advanced type cases, the second > case is an extremely advanced one, however I'll get to that > in a moment. TOM: Well, dammit, what DO you wanna talk about? > First CROW: [As Alton] My fee -- > you must realise that every transvestite > the world over has his own particular problem. Each case > must be handled individually according to the person, his > past life, and his problem. MIKE: [As Wicked Witch] These things must be done DEL-icately. > > WARREN: Did this Glen have any homosexual tendencies? > > ALTON: Absolutely not. TOM: Glen is not a homosexual. > It's very seldom that a transvestite > does. CROW: [As Alton] Which, if you were listening to the narration earlier, you'd already know. > > WARREN: And he isn't a hermaphrodite? MIKE: Oh, Warren trips over words like "transvestite" but has no problem spouting "hermaphrodite"? > > ALTON: No more than he's a pseudohermaphrodite. ALL: Gesundheit! > Glen's case was entirely of his mind, brought on by the > environment of his early youth. TOM: Remember that this was before unleaded gas. > > WARREN: What about their children, Doctor. Would their > children become the same way their father is. > > ALTON: No. Transvestitism is not hereditary. MIKE: Except between fathers and sons. > > WARREN: What makes these men want to wear girls' clothes? CROW: [As Alton] Heck if I know. Ask Janet Reno. MIKE: But Janet Reno *is* female. CROW: Really?! > > ALTON: Many things, but as I've said before it usually > starts in early childhood from one cause or another. > Technically, each case has the same beginning, just a > different set of circumstances. TOM: [As Alton] Take the unique case of Dorothy "Tootsie" Michaels -- > > WARREN: Are any of them actually cured? CROW: Or perhaps hickory smoked? > > ALTON: Oh yes, many many of them. Once the source of supply > is found it can be stopped, unless the patient refuses to > cut off that source of supply. MIKE: In these cases we send in medium-range bombers to interdict the supply line. > > WARREN: Then the way I get it, this Glen and the character > he created, much as an author creates a character in a > book, was invented as a love object, to take the place of > the love he never received in his early youth, through lack > of it from his parents. CROW: Hey, where did Inspector Warren learn all this? MIKE: Probably been talking to Director Hoover. CROW: Ooooh. > The character was created and > dressed, and lives the life the author designs for him to > live, and dies only when the author wants him to die. TOM: Only to be brought back in an exploitive sequel. > > ALTON: Correct, except that for the character Glenda to die > the elements must be right. But to enlighten you a little > further there's a second story. ALL: NOOOOOOO!!! CROW: Jeez, we're into a sequel and we haven't even finished the first movie yet! > That of an extremely > advanced case. MIKE: A Sampsonite? > Let's call this person Alan, Anne. CROW: [As Warren] Uh, my name's not Anne, Doc. > Alan had > a mother who wanted a little girl. His father didn't care > much one way or the other. Alan did not enter the > competitive sports that the other boys at the school did. > However he was an extremely studious boy and always had > above average marks in his subjects. TOM: And of course no *normal* boy gives a darn about studying or grades. > Yet, sports, girls' > sports, he was always interested in. CROW: Well *I've* always been interested in ladies' mud wrestling. MIKE: But that's not a real sport, Crow. CROW: IT IS, TOO! > But he was rejected by > the girls and also rejected by the boys. It seems he > belonged to neither of them. MIKE: He'd have been pretty lonely if not for his friend, Pat. > After school, Alan would go > home to find the mother who had always wanted a girl, and > the father who didn't care one way or the other. TOM: As was previously indicated. CROW: I think it's thoughtful of Ed Wood to keep in mind those people who doze off through half his dialog. > He enjoyed > doing the woman's work around the house. Alan was becoming > a woman and didn't realise it. A woman in mind only, but > the mind rules. MIKE: [As jock] Mind rules, man! ALL: Woo! Woo! Woo! > Then came the fateful year of 1941. Alan > was drafted. He was accepted. In the army, he successfully > passed his vigorous training. He did not like it, but then TOM: Who does? > there were the weekends for his particular diversions. On > his weekend passes he would go to the nearest town where he > had a suitcase checked in a public locker. In the suitcase > he had the things he loved to wear, that which his made his > body appear to be what his mind believed it was. CROW: A Ringling Brothers clown. > Then the > day of embarkation came. But wherever Alan went, the > suitcase was sure to go. MIKE: Oh, great, now Ed's starting to borrow from Mother Goose. > [stock footage of WWII, also used > in Plan 9...goes on and on and on.] TOM: Stock footage? In an Ed Wood move? CROW: Who'da thunk it? > Then, as quickly as it > had begun, the war was over. Alan came home. Alan had > learned all the terms directed at men like himself. MIKE: Terms like "Soldier", "G.I.", "Grunt" -- > But no > one had found out his aversion. He was honourably > discharged from the service at the end of the war. He had > received a silver star and a bronze star for gallantry in > action. CROW: Unfortunately the bronze didn't match anything in his wardrobe. > While he was in an army hospital recuperating from > a wound he had received in New Guinea he learned a very > interesting fact: TOM: That koalas aren't really bears? > he learned that foreign doctors were > doing marvelous work with the sex change. Man to woman, > woman to man. Shortly after his separation from service, > Alan came to me for advice. MIKE: *That's* where he made his mistake. > There followed many sessions > with my clinical reports, and the reports of eminent > doctors. TOM: The bills quickly began to pile up. > It had been found that Alan was really a > pseudohermaphrodite, a hermaphrodite is one who has the > organs of both the female and the male in plain sight. CROW: So hermaphrodites are also nudists? > A > pseudohermaphrodite is one who has one perfectly formed > organ of either sex, and one imperfectly formed one that's > difficult to detect. Alan was of the latter. Alan was then > given his choice. That which nature had given him was a > mistake. MIKE: [As Bela] Mistakes are made. > It was up to us to correct that mistake one way or > another. Alan had to decide whether he wanted to become a > man, or she wanted to become a woman, both were completely > possible. TOM: But only if his HMO would approve. > Small boned, fair of complexion, his hair thin > like a woman's, his body thin, hips slight girlish. It was > easy to see his decision, along with the fact that he had > been brought up from early childhood to believe that a > woman was the thing to be. CROW: Maybe his mom shouldn't have read him to sleep from those Gloria Steinem books. > Alan decided to become a woman. > This, after all the help I could give him was only the > beginning. During the following two years he was to go > through the tortures of the damned, MIKE: They made him watch other Ed Wood films? > but never was there a > whimper from him because he knew that at the end of it all, > he would at least be that what he had always dreamed. > Hundreds of hormone shots were injected into various parts > of his body. Alan's face was worked on with plastic surgery > to smooth out the female elements. TOM: Michael Jackson, NOOOO! > Long tedious hours of > work. The big day, or the starting of many big days, for it > was to take many. The series of operations are performed, > slowly and at intervals to prevent any unnecessary shock to > the nervous system. CROW: And to help the surgeon afford his new yacht. > Still the hormone shots continue, day > after day, week after week, month after month, and even > then when the operation is over, the sex change, the shots > must continue as long as Alan lives. MIKE: [As Wicked Witch] As long as you're alive. > First the breasts are > brought out, TOM: Then the drumsticks -- > the body of the woman begins to appear now. Then > comes the major surgery. The removal of the man, and the > formation of the woman. CROW: Hey, what does he mean by "removal of the man"? TOM: Enlighten the naif, Mike. MIKE: Oh. Okay. [He leans over and whispers in Crow's ear.] CROW: HOLY SH-- [Mike quickly clamps Crow's beak shut. Crow mumbles for a few moments longer as Alton continues.] > But in time, Alan is Anne, a very > happy young lady that modern medicine and science has > created almost as a Frankenstein monster. The newspapers > heard of it and hit the story with their usual fullness. MIKE: Yeah, the papers probably used hyped, irresponsible analogies like "Frankenstein monster." > If > the papers had not gotten hold of the story it would have > gone untold, unnoticed as so many others in medical > history. CROW: And this movie would never have been made. MIKE: But they did, and it was. TOM: Rats! > The sex change has been performed hundreds of > times, however right here in this particular sex switch > it's not the end. Acting the woman and being the woman are > entirely different things. TOM: Are you listening, RuPaul? > Alan had all his life acted the > part of the woman. Now he is that woman and must learn how > it's done. Anne must learn how to do her own hair, how to > make the correct styling for her facial contours. MIKE: She must learn that as a woman her only worth now is to be judged by her physical appearance alone. > The > proper walk must be adopted. CROW: Hips must sway. Men must be titillated. > A lady is a lady, whatever the > case may be. Continuing my own psychiatric treatment, TOM: What, *Alton's* getting psychiatric treatment, too? > it was > my duty now to explain to Anne the duty of a woman and her > sex life. CROW: The *duty* of a woman and her sex life? MIKE: Of course. Everybody knows that *decent* women aren't supposed to *enjoy* sex. > Alan of course had known the man's, but he was > soon to realise he knew very little about a woman's. TOM: [As Alton] At least not the way *I* explained it. > Yet > through it all, Anne loved every minute. CROW: [As Alton] That's something that *I* made sure of, heh-heh. > Anne was indeed > meant to be a woman. TOM: [As Alton] Oh, MAN, was she ever! [Breathes heavily.] > Now that the sex change had been > completed, Anne was a very happy woman, and a woman who was > eager to learn. CROW: [As Alton] Such a receptive student! *Never* has my couch been put to better use! MIKE: Okay, guys, I think we've wandered far enough down that little tangent. > And now was accepted by society. A woman > born at the age of twenty-four [although she looks fifty]. TOM: Ah, she must have already learned to lie about her age, then. > In a world that for twenty-four years she had seen as a > man, but a woman who now would, and was properly instructed > to accept, a woman's world. Thus this case which has a > happy ending is due entirely to the corrections made by > medical science. MIKE: [As Alton, smugly] Not that I mean to boast, mind you. We men of science are far above that. > I have had several such cases, in fact in > my twenty years of practice I have been prominent in seven. > However my colleagues have had hundreds [!!]. CROW: Jeez, why don't they all just go in together and open a transvestite clinic? > > WARREN: Then you believe that the Glen of the first story > should have the sex change? > > ALTON: In Glen's case no, no indeed. Glen would never be > happy with a sex change. TOM: [As Alton] Weren't you paying ATTENTION?! > > WARREN: The Alan of your story ended happy? MIKE: [As Alton] No, he got hit by a truck. I JUST TOLD YOU IT HAD A HAPPY ENDING, YOU THICK-SKULLED FLAT-FOOT! > > ALTON: I'll tell it to you exactly as I told it to them. > Shortly after Glen told Barbara of his love for girls' > clothing he started treatments with me. CROW: [As Alton] Sometimes we went to Redskins games together dressed as hogettes. > On the last > treatment both he and Barbara came to me. TOM: By this time Barbara had started wearing three-piece suits. > I told them the > same story of Alan, Anne, as I've told it to you, > Inspector. CROW: [As Alton] Only *they* had the attention span to follow it all. > Anne was pseudohermaphrodite, even though one of > the sexes was imperfect, she had the organs and > characteristics of both the male and female. Glen's case is > an entirely different type of case. MIKE: It's an entirely different type of case, altogether. TOM & CROW: It's an entirely different type of case. > Remember I said no > matter what the case, it's a different thing, a new problem > to be looked into, then solved. A new challenge to the > psychoanalysis. TOM: Yeah, everything revolves around *you*, doesn't it, *Doctor*? > Glen's body holds only one sex, that of the > male. In all our talks I've learned these pertinent facts: > Glen's father had no love for his son. His father wanted > Glen to be a football hero, or a baseball player, so that > he could brag to his cronies down at the corner saloon as > his cronies bragged to him about their own sons. MIKE: You know, I get the feeling that Ed Wood expressed a lot of his own pent-up resentment in this dialog. TOM: Watch it, Mike, *Alton's* the psychiatrist here! MIKE: Sorry. > Thus the > rues of Glen's fictitious character. He invented it when he > could find no love from his mother and his father. His > mother had hated her own father. Glen reminded her of her > father, therefore she gave all her attention, love, and > affection to her daughter. Glen then decided also to become > a daughter. CROW: Ah, a textbook explanation. TOM: Probably *copied* from a textbook. > [cut to scene with Glen, Barbara, and Dr. > Alton] Glen, you can kill this fictitious character of > yours any time you wish, for your happy ending it's the > only way. MIKE: [As Alton] Just put on your ruby slippers, tap your heels together and repeat, "There's no place like home." > > GLEN: Then you think I can kill this second character by > transferring her qualities to Barbara. CROW: There's something oddly Star Trek-eske about this. > > ALTON: Exactly. But as the author and his character the > elements must be right. It's up to you, Barbara. You must > take the place, give the love and accept the facts that > Glenda has always accepted. TOM: [As Barbara] Oh, right. It's always laid on the *woman*, isn't it? > If you love each other as you > now believe you do, it'll be a hard job, but you'll enjoy > doing the job. CROW: Hey, who wouldn't? > > BARBARA: Should I let him continue to wear girls' clothing, > or should I put my foot down? MIKE: Do that and he'll start ogling your shoes. > > ALTON: If you put your foot down he'd only go behind closed > doors. Love is the only answer. Glenda must be transferred > to you. TOM: Like the fly and Jeff Goldblum. > > BARBARA: Supposing Glen never gets over wearing girls' > clothing. CROW: [As Alton] Then don't think of it as loosing a husband so much as gaining a sister. > > ALTON: Would it matter to you very much? MIKE: [As Barbara] Well, I guess we could stick to going out to k.d. lang concerts and stuff like that. > > BARBARA: I love Glen. I'll do everything I can to make him > happy. TOM: Would you sit with him through a movie marathon featuring the films of Divine? > > NARR.: The end is only the beginning. CROW: Oh no! They're gonna start the movie over! ALL: NOOOOOOO!!! > Time passes, soon, > due to a happily married life, the remembrance of the > psychiatric treatments, and Barbara's love and > understanding, Glenda begins to disappear forever from > Glen. MIKE: [As Glenda, Wicked Witch voice] I'm melting! MELLL-TINNNG! > Glen has found his mother, his little sister, his > wife, and his Glenda all in one lovely package. CROW: Just like he was any normal guy from West Virginia. > Thus Glen's > case has a happy conclusion. TOM: But of course, *Barbara* has now developed a severe case of multiple personality disorder. > > ALTON: Therefore two entirely different cases, handled in > two entirely different ways have a happy ending. MIKE: [As Warren] Yeah, but do you believe that Glen should have the sex change? CROW: [As Alton] AAARGH! > > WARREN: Yeah, those two. But what of the hundreds of other > less fortunate Glens, the world over? > > {Fade to Bela's den.} > > BELA: Yes. But what of the others, less fortunate Glens, > the world over? TOM: Yeah, what about 'em?! CROW: YEAH! MIKE: And Scarecrow's brain! > Oh, snips and snails and puppy dog tails. MIKE: [As Bela] But enough talk about my scrapple recipe. > > THE END (finally) TOM: All right! CROW: Not that I don't agree, but why did Ed write "finally?" MIKE: [Standing and picking up Tom] No, I'm sure that little touch was added by the transcriber. CROW: Really? I wonder why. [All exit the theater.] ...o...2...3...4...5...6...* [SoL. Bridge. The mads light still blinks on the console. Crow, Mike and Tom enter and look down at it hesitantly.] MIKE: You think it's for real this time? TOM: I'm afraid there's only one way to find out. CROW: Well, let's try not to be judgmental, now. As a small microcosm of society we should keep an open mind. Remember, the discomfort is in *our* minds, not-- TOM: Crow? CROW: Yes? TOM: Shut up. CROW: WHY, YOU-- MIKE: Hey, hey, guys, calm down. Let's see if we're really being paged this time. [The three of them sign resignedly and stare at us.] [Castle Forrester. Great Hall. Everything has been tidied up. Observer is alone, still sitting on the couch watching TV, but is back in his regular outfit. Suddenly we hear a door open somewhere in the background. Observer quickly points a remote control at the TV and pushes a button.] MALE VOICE ON TV: We'll return to "Walker, Texas Ranger" after this word from our sponsor. [Observer drops the remote and picks up an issue of "Sports Illustrated," turns toward the middle and begins reading it. Pearl and Bobo enter, the latter still with a bandage on his head and one arm in a sling.] PEARL: Well, we're back. OBSERVER: [Still looking at magazine] How did it go? Anything wrong with Bobo's head -- physically, I mean? PEARL: Turned out to be nothing serious, just a concussion and a minor cerebral hemorrhage. I'm going to go to the 'fridge for a beer. You want one? OBSERVER: As a matter of fact, that would hit the spot right about now. PEARL: Good. You can go get yourself one when I get back. [Pearl exits as Bobo comes forward and flops down beside Observer on the couch, the latter looking a bit annoyed at the company but still reading the magazine. Bobo stares off vacantly for a moment, then begins to sniff the air with growing curiosity.] BOBO: Is that -- *perfume* I'm smelling? [Observer bites his lower lip and continues to read the magazine. Bobo, still sniffing, looks over at Observer, then leans over and sniffs his shoulder.] OBSERVER: [Finally looking over at Bobo] I BEG your pardon! BOBO: Good heavens, it's you! I smell perfume on you and -- what's this? [Leans over and with his unencumbered hand gently picks something off of Observer's cloak and examines it.] A blonde hair! Much longer than Lawgiver's. [Bobo looks at Observer and their eyes lock for a few seconds, Observer's face showing near panic. Then suddenly Bobo laughs and punches Observer playfully on the shoulder.] BOBO: [Laughing] You old dog! While Lawgiver and I were away, you had a GIRL over here with you! OBSERVER: [Relief washing over him] I, uh, in a manner of speaking I -- well, yes, YES, I must confess, there was a, uh, a *girl* here. BOBO: Aha, I knew it! You know, Lawgiver and I were starting to worry about you. Heck, when she explained the birds and the bees to me, she said she thought that you were the type of bee that instead of pollinating the flowers preferred to hang around the queen, whatever that means. And me, well, I *was* starting to wonder if those peculiar costumes you wore every so often were for more than just play-acting. But I had a feeling that deep down you were just a regular guy -- except for the "omnipotent alien with a disembodied brain" thing. And now, sneaking a girl in here while we were out -- what could be more normal than that? OBSERVER: [Warming to the deception] Well, what can I say? We *guys* all have our needs. BOBO: Heh-heh -- say, that's not the swimsuit issue you're reading, is it? OBSERVER: Alas, no. BOBO: Too bad. I bet that issue gives you some -- *interesting* ideas, eh? OBSERVER: [Honestly] Actually, yes, it does. MALE VOICE ON TV: We now return to "Walker, Texas Ranger." BOBO: Oh, goodie! I just go ape over this show! [Bobo stares transfixed at the TV. Observer sighs in relief, then looks upward and silently mouths the words "Thank you."] [Fade out. Roll credits and play closing theme.] 8======8 8======8 8======8 8======8 8======8 8======8 8======8 8======8 | | | "Glen or Glenda?" transcript written by Chris Veinot and used by | | permission. Based on the movie written by Edward D. Wood, Jr. | | The movie is in the public domain, according to Desert Island Films | | ( http://www.desertislandfilms.com ) | |---------------------------------------------------------------------| | Mystery Science Theater 3000 and its associated characters | | and situations are the property of and trademarks of Best | | Brains, Inc. In no way should this MiSTing be construed to | | be an infringement on those rights. All rights reserved. | | Use of copyrighted and trademarked material is for entertainment | | purposes only; no infringement on the original copyrights or trade- | | marks held by Best Brains, Inc. is intended or should be inferred. | | This work is a satire and not intended as a personal attack upon | | the original author(s) or other persons or characters presented, | | and is meant only as entertainment and commentary. | | | 8======8 8======8 8======8 8======8 8======8 8======8 8======8 8======8 This is my 8th released MiSTing. To read all my MiSTings, please visit "Jim Gadfly's MiSTing Page" at http://www.angelfire.com/va/gadfly or, better yet, visit Mike Neylon's "Web Site #9" MiSTing archive at http://pinky.wtower.com/mst3k for the best collection of MiSTings on the net. > BELA: Beware...beware! Beware of the big green dragon that > sits on your doorstep. He eats little boys...puppy dog > tails, and big, fat snails.