Whats My IP Address a very good movie... and star
amelie from montramere (i know i spelled it wrong)
i just finished the stephen king novel.. the stand.. uncut and unabridged.. 1141 pages.. shew.. heavy duty.. took me a few months *L* i'm a busy man.. course the ultimate hitchikers guide the the galaxy is around that long and includes all of douglas adam's novel's in the series. also a good read. both come highly rated
9.17.02 (THAT MEANS AN UPDATE! *GASP*)
well.. i guess i should've worked in reverse order the whole time. believe it or not somebody read my site that goes to vt (that i don't even know) called the VT police department, and since they couldn't find me.. they called the carroll county sheriff and said there's boy that has left a suicide note and nobody knows where he is. I wasn't in carroll either though.. so they had to go harass my parents which is funny.
now.. here's a big thing... i have moved to kansas.. that is where the love of my life is.. i'm ashamed party the way i left.. i simply left my family a note while they were on vacation. Many a nights i lie awake and weep silently to myself. how much i miss them.. how i'm missing my bro growing.. missing protecting my sister from all the bad things.. missing my mothers face.. her caring words.. even when i fail.. because that's all i seem to do in life..
i work three jobs.. that's right.. three.. i work at subway, dollar general, and for the hospital here.. why 3? i don't know.. because i don't want to work 40 hours at one job.. so i work 20 at both dg and subway.. and a few at the hospital.. sarah.. the love of my life works 40 for the hospital... we used to work together.. but then she wasn't getting any hours so she had to switch jobs. i'm almost always happy.. there are times.. i don't know.. when i doubt myself.. when i feel lonely.. even when she's right there beside me... i'm not going to be here forever.. i know that.. i wish she were awake though.. because i do feel particularly bad at the moment.. she's sick and took some nyquil.. so i know she's out like a lite... no lovin' tonite obviously *sigh* i miss my friends.. aron and justin.. the coolest guys.. and johnny and erica *sigh* johnny.. i don't know.. i shouldn't go into it.. it gets complicated.. he's pissed at me for not keeping in touch.. but i had no way to... i gave him my number... and he hasn't called me.. am i pissed? no.. his fone's been disconnected and i'm supposed to call him? i'd mail him but he moved! so how.. yeah.. i know.. hush jonathan.. i have little baby guppies now too.. in a nice 20 gal... hopefully i'll get more phish soon.. for once in a long while i just have money to spare (not really, i'm just waiting for the right thing to do with it) i owe my mom more than 1000 dollars (in my mind at least) and owe her much more than that.. my entire life.. my entire being.. i just wish i could repay her.. i miss everyone really.. when i came here.. i abandoned the world... truely.. everything that i have ever known was left behind in virgina... never doubt how hard it is to move.. and then imagine doing it all by yourself.. i impressed myself for being such a week person... goodnite all
a mindless babble of self-uncontrol... blabbing on and on upon how pitiful ones life is.
its true... i'm coming down, hard... don't want to crash, i'm going down
want to stop, but like most things in life, i can't.... why do you think i'm coming down for example
it's not bad, it's an excuse for humans to hide from there emotiions, there are a lot i need
to hide. People have learned not to listen, people can't hear the silent scream of something...
how one screams how one loves the other, but the recipient not knowing a thing... that's life, and it sucks, but
does it suck all the time... probably not, there is always the day with the rainbow that
seems you got closer to childhood for the moments, those i guess is what living is all about....
temporary happiness is easy to find, even if you claim you will love someone forever only in hopes of remaing
happy for that period of time, but it fades... why? Why is it in humans emotions to fade away... that's what
society is... fading away. It's better to burn out, why do you think there are people like me. scum, not the good
scum you see on the streets... they can't hurt you, it's us, the devient sludge of the crime scene. We are the killers
who look around the murder scene while cops are checking it out... people who run over animals for fun
we look at life and say, "if it's shit, it's shit, let kill it" it doesn't matter, we might be pessimistec, but we are
realist.... so eat that mother fuckers. Life doesn't matter in more, so neither do you, i'm
just another teenage burnout. I found another good thing about life, it relates to the rainbow thing...
cartoons, cartoons can always transport you back when times were simple, were they simple or just not that bad?
how does the world dying compare to a dirty dress clothes... one of the worlds mysteries... usually one people
see the creation of the world as a biblical sense or as a scientific, i think it's more scientific, that's something
most people don't do... people think i'm weird because i practice wicca, i'm weird because i just don't practice the same
religon. A girl called me a psycho the other day, i didn't know why, based on what? then i didn't know whether i should fuck with her
computer or just leave her alone... i'm the scum of the earth though, so if i could find an easy way in, i would
i wonder how long this thing will go on... probably until i'm a little straighter... if any teachers read this i sure hope
they stopped reading a long time ago... of course, the only teacher that would read this doesn't really care.... she's the best teacher
i ever had, and not because she was "easy" i wouldn't really say that, she could be tough, but she was fun, made learing worth it..
that's important, teachers teach nowadays, and that stinks, because they don't care, discipline not quality of learning! learn or like it! can't do both
there's a site that i check out occasionally, just to see when i'm going to die, Deathclock.com Guess witch one i am?
now it seems like this page will just be even more random... I sure hope i don't have to put br at all the ends of these line,
i hope my page doesn't look like one huge line... i think this is a good idea... people like me, i occasionallly stir in with different societies
... i do like it there, but the people there, even though i admire them... i don't see myself like that... i'm much lower then them
"it's too late, i fell through"... i went back to my own level... scum... what does it stand for
Some Crap Under Mice... i think that shows are level, below mice crap
i'm pathetic, i ask for help because i'm depressed, but truth is, i like being depressed, it seems like such and oxymoron
but it's ture, i like to cry, make myself feel pitiful, that's cuz i am... maybe this is my confession to the world
i've said it to myself a million times, yes... i am a loser... i'll probably be ashamed to show my page to anyone... they might now
how i think... then they'd run... nobody can stand me being close.. but that's all i want to do, and after a while it's just too mcuh
trouble... i'm gone, a no one once again, of course i never really was interesting... i'd put music on this site to make it more interesting..
to think anyone would actually have interest in my page anyway... suckky human being = sucky home page... even my friends, don't get me wrong, they
get to me too... i look to be mentioned, i'm hurt when not... i know it sounds selfish... but i want to look for it in someone
i want the friend you see on television that is your best friends... but people move on... i need someone...
someone strong but soft, that's it... knows the difference from when i'm hurting and need comfort and helps make me strong again
but not bitch... nobody likes that... maybe it's impossible though... my friends can't do it... i can't even get together something from
all the sitcoms... "the guys" i've never said that... i missed life, i never hung out... i stayed at home, my friend
has been the computer... for a long time... k-7 i don't remember those years 8-9 those weren't that great... i started feeling lonely and
founded my current standing as a genre... 10-12... those just sucked... it's weird how you hear good and bad experiences about high school
if the people were normal and above, school was great, but for the minority of the underside of normal, it sucked... it wasn't that we didn't enjoy
it, where else do you go to meet people? i think i'm going to go watch the flintstones, bring back memories, want to hear them?
i think i should write them cuz i don't want to forget them... every summer for a long time i was on the swim team, every morning at around 6 i awakened
and went to work with mommy, i couldn't spend all my time up there with her, so i stayed in the lobby and watched tv... somethimes i think i even
stayed in my pajamas, and ate my lucky charms out of bill and ted excellent adventure bowel. I think i was cute then, people say so, and i can saee why, now
i'm me... what a loser i am, this girl... who supposedly liked me... i don't know... i had such strong feelings for this girl, so i guess i was over anxious
i blew my only chance with her, this girl though, even though physical appearences aren't that important, this girl had everything i wanted... and her personality
was wonderful... i'd make a deal with the devil to just blurt out my love for her, not that that would've helped any, then i'd only be laughed
at and ridiculed for the rest of high school.. oh wait... too late
problem is the girl will never see this page, i guess that saddens me, it'd be horrible if she found it, and finally found out about how i really feel
i think she'd be shocked and really weirded, maybe it'd turn out good though... yeah right! when has anything turned out good for me?
school starts in 7 hours... ... take the edge off the day... i really do care about you SoJo... i know you probably
don't like that name very much, but right now it's your code name... i'm too ashamed... other peoples crushes are normal, but not mine, mine are obssessions, so
i think my obssessions are pathetic, so i hide them... i don't want to offend you, believe me, if you knew how much you meant to me, you'd never think it
nothing can compare to what i feel... i'm even talking about a scientific level... a black hole sucking in ever last atom from the univers doesn't have as much power as
heart beats for thee... and that's exactly what i didn't want this page to be about... love...
i think about it too much, and right now, i'd get suicidal if i started thinking about,
i think i will reside now.. watch johnny bravo, even though i hate the shovinist pig, i'll watch something though
well, i looked at last entry, and decided what i typed wasn't
worth putting up, so here's another deep one. I've finally
found a song that fits my description. "i wish i was special,
so fucking special, but i'm creep.... i don't
belong here" creep if you couldn't tell. I
guess that's me, i always pictured myself as
a nice guy, but that gives judging a book
by its cover an understatement. Inside i'm
slowly rotting away, but what's that matter
as long as people believe i'm happy
everything goes just fine. pain not only
phases me, it weakens me, little by little.
I used to think as a little kid, everyone
would pick on me... i descirbed myself
as the worlds punching bag, but soon i'll
burst and be no more. Just spilling out beads
or whatever out all over. But it'd be different
then a punching bag, it'd be real. Who cares though
not the guys who picked on me, girls probably
picked on me to. Just cuz i was little, i guess
i didn't have feelings, boy where they wrong.
even without love, i feel a lot more emotions in
one day then most people feel in a month. maybe i have a
tempremental personality, but hey, i can't change
that. I am what i am, accept me or kill, you have
the knife, you chose. i chose not to one time.
but that's for another time
i dont' want to give all my speech away.
Another day, another unfortunate day to face my own personal guilt and repulse for the entirety of life. *sigh* another dull day, filled with hatred for life, hatred for everything. Everything but what i want. Course, then i feel all shelfish right? I guess i'm just a horrible guy. That's why i'm still alone. I need a sign. an "asshole" sign so people just know to stay away. But, what do i need that sign for, people stay away anyway. But maybe it would keep the people that annoy me to stay away. That or just a gun. *sigh* no threats there. I can't stand this anymore. Life supposed to look up anytime now. Guess that's what i'm waiting for.
"survival of the fittest" it should be changed, it might have been that when humans carried spears and gathered berries. Now, it's just survival of the meanest. How childish does that sound? Who survives longer, the guy with all the necessary tools for life, or Bill Gates. Bill Gates can buy all his tools. But hurting people, that just makes them more inclined to think highly of themselves. They are below the ones getting hurt however. And considering that people that are hurt, like me, think of themselves at the bottom, that only makes the ones that hurt even lower. So here's the sign you all need people... just a big fuck you. They wonder why kids are destructive. If people would concentrate on their own happiness instead of acting out of dislike. Happiness is the emotion humans strive for. Some must've been sent to destroy it. Should i let it get me down? Why not... no one cares. I've just been here, floating through the world while crying. No one's really comforted my pain, because no one can. if they are local, i'm just a friend. But if they are far away, they seem to be more. Funny how it ends up like that... considering it's the probability of ever meetings is greatly reduced. Oh well, sometimes it's just not worth crying any more. I'm crying for the wrong reason. I'm just afraid when the right reason comes along. I am man, i am depressed. I will not survive.
Well, i'll have to change the date in like 6 minutes... i'm puttin icq on away for now... closing down aol conversations. Ceasing operations. Why? it's time to speak my mind, i need silence i suppose. It's been a rought night, i'll talk about it in the morning. That's only two minutes away. *sigh* it's been a rough day... apparently my lucky day to get yelled at numerous times and great amounts. I've decided parents (well, mine anyways) are only driven by their own obsessions to own as much as possible. I promised myself tonite to never treat my kids as horribly as they treat me, and my siblings. It's so hard to say how bad... but if you could see the tears... i hope you would understand.
Well, it's the morning, maybe you want to hear about my night. I can't even talk to the girl who has made my life from a dream to a reality... i never thought i could be this happy, until my mother rained on my parade. She wouldn't let me talk on the phone, not even for ten minutes. I'm so tired of it. I tried to fight, but i dont' fight. I could take her down easily, but come on... i just dont' fight. So i ran, i hid and cried. I cried for a couple hours. What else could i do... if i saw her face again i knew i would just explode. It's getting too late for now. of course, i'm just lying, i just dont' feel like writing much more... i want to play grand theft auto, get out some pressure and stress that's been building all fucking day. It feels good to cuss in just regular speech. Try it some fucking time. Okay, i'm back, for a little. Gotta get my mind at least a little clear, it helps at 2:20 in the morn. What can i say, i'm a lonely guy without anyone to be lonely with. My computer i guess, i'll probably play some more games then hit the sack. I've had a really bad evening, it's okay though, nothing out of the usual, constant thoughts of suicide, but there is always something out there that keeps me from ever EVER doing it. That's right, you know who you are... you keep me smiling when i'm down. All i can think of is "leaving on a jet plane" by john denver, i don't know why. But tonite, i leave you with a song.
"You are my sunshine, my only sunshine,
you make me happy, when skies are grey,
you'll never know dear how much i love you
please don't take my sunshine away"
for you. *sigh* off to cry a little more...
The non-depressed post. I'm here now, mellow as all hell. Bet it'd be nice to have someone to talk to. Everything would be kewl. I wanted to hurt this company by submiting there names to anti-spamming companies. they'd sue there asses, but i can imagine myself in that own situation. I guess that would eventually make me a greedy person. But right now... it's all good. Caught up with a good friend on icq tonite, she doesn't think too much of me i think... but, that's the norm i suppose. My sister likes to bitch at me, like my mom.... i guess thats what i'm good for. I'll probably go try and find a way to play grand theft auto, thats a hellaciously good game. Lets go kill some people eh? This is a good song too... i couldn't be in a band. I'd get too much into the music. I'd be lost in the chords, dancing on the melody. But anyways, enough of that shit, lets go kills some people.
I've never had this feeling before. I got something from the government apparently yesterday. I wasn't here, but i had to sign for it, i'm going to go pick it up tomorrow. It is fear, but i was feeling too good for fear. My mom plainly stated how "you can't do anything right" that hurt. Finally someone else believes what i've thought all along. Now that's how i am, alone, cold and alone. Maybe i'll call someone, maybe not. No one wants to talk to me, unless there is something in it for them. That's what life has come to now a days. My brother's teacher was murdered, i'm trying to figure out how to take it, i don't know what he is going through, to think of a human life being taken away. The society around me tells me to be sorrowful and mournful. Sometimes however, i feel no pain where there should be, and lots in a safe pain-free place. i guess i'm just weird... but i'm me, and i can't change it. All alone, all very alone. Someone in distress that you can't help. You care so much about this person but can't do anything to help. It's 9, i think i'll turn in soon. I've had a rough weekend, as i mentioned, listening to depressing music doesn't help much either. Sorry... "A friend in need is a friend indeed, but a friend with weed is better" That should say it all. Love to all.
So depressed, can't even type the date. Too much work. I think i have social anxiety, unfortunately, i'm too young for the drugs for it. Isn't that a bitch. Guess the only medicine for me is death. I know a lot of people would rather see me dead then sitting here bitching about my problems. that's life, it's a bitch, my life will flow into yours. Sorry. I can't say that enough, blame me, scar me, hurt me, fight me until the end. Make my death as slow and painful as possible. That's all it is really, life, a slow downward spiral (sorry NIN) to death. No wonder they named a couple cd's after that. Just want to live no more, and wish no more. I've wished all my life for happiness "you can wish all you want, you have to do something though". Fuck you! I should evolve before that. Someone at the trailer park is happy, why can't i. Life sucks... so fuck you.
well, apparently, nobody likes my html skills, just the
the thing to brighten anybodys day. That damn monkey
that you can punch is dancin on the top of my screen.
You think punching something would make you feel better
not for me. I'm weird, there, i said it. Not like i haven't
said it before. Most of my friends sites are all
about their glorious lives. how happy they are, how
wonderful their friends are. I'm not saying my friends
are bad. i'd never let them see the side of me that
hurts so very much. they don't deserve to see that
they have enough going on in their lives. Sorry folks.
I wish i had a friend that had problems like me
i know it exists somewhere, but if i found someone like
me, i'd know they would be so weird, i would just run
away. Sorry whoever you are. I know what you feel.
I tried to get some space @ suicide.com. they probably think
i'm just too weird for their site. too suicidal. I'd
drive away any traffic. Such is my pitiful, horrible,
too depressed too write
if you really wanted to know more about me (not saying that any of you did) just thought i'd include it... my poetry page is here... Poetry bye... let me die
2.21.00 1:20 am
well.. ... she means so much... if she only knew... god... it hurts whenever i think now... means more than my life.. means so much... can't stop crying... just thinking... how it used to be.. we used to be close.. real close.. then she killed me... she thinks i took it well... the hardest thing in m life... why must my life be so hard?? what did i do??? oh well... i feel horrible now.. .. and i realize i'll always love her.. i'll ALWAYS love her....
hehe... i like that... , just happy. Ice cream headache though, but my mommy brought me this ice cream, it's better that way. hmm, all happy today, can't wait for tomorrow, it's anniversary, i think... one year ago today, or yesterday... or something! i know my memory isn't that grand, people get mad at me when i forget birthdays... i'm sorry in advance. I guarntee i will... i have hard enough keeping up with my own birthday. leap day is weird *L* i love it... time is grand, it doesn't exist, but i have plenty of it right now. woooooohhooooo... probably today is my anni, i just don't remember (fried them thar' brain cells good didn't i) like seems to go that way "life is a constant downward spiral of dying brain cells" alright... my kinda place... i wish i could get as deep as that first time i wrote, wait till i'm suicidal again...
I give up, i mean, everyday, i try to make myself happy, and just yesterday, some mailed me about my beliefs, and then asked if i was black or white. I've known this girl for about a year and a half, i've shown her pictures, i've even loved her, but she doesn't know me anymore... i guess that's what i deserve... everyone should just stay as far away as they can get, not because of me getting hurt, because of them, i don't want to hurt anyone, but i know i would. *sigh* all i can think of is adam's song... god, that song is so sad... and yet it fits. i wish i could just blurt out my emotions, but i don't know... i don't know whether to forget the e-mail, forget the girl (definately don't see that happening) or just forget my life. I know one person who'd definately like to see the third one, but i wouldn't give her the satisfaction either. but i'm drowning in my own pool of tears and sorrows. have a nice day.
oh, it's late, i'm alone. Trying to hurt me? Maybe you'll see this, but if you see
this, how can you deny visiting my page? anyway,
my calm underlying rage is creeping up on me. Only
thing surpressing that is the depression caused by
words of hurt from a supposedly helping person. Does't
work that way unfortunately. You don't have to constantly
tell me i'm going to be a no one, i should or have to
believe in god, that i'm forever going to be alone.
i know about the first and third one... is you spent
one day in my shoes.. in my mind, in my soul... you'd
see something, and realize how little and what torture
to go through everyday. a hurt uncomparable to anything
known or describable. an alone that nothing will ever be
able to fill. That's why i'll be forever lonely... no one
can fill that gap. I only blame myself damnit, i only
3.5.00 I just wanted to say something real quick, it might not be important to anyone of you out there, but i think i found someone, someone that makes me very happy, like we were made for each other, i haven't told her this, i don't know. I'm not going to push her, half the fun has yet to come! I just have to go to my dad's tomorrow. It's going to be hard, but maybe people will mail me, especially her. compared to my previous writing, i bet this someone could... if she up to it, why i was so down then, is because she was gone, thats right, on a trip, no you know who you are girl, and this was dedicated to you *smiles* = ) I promise i'm thinking about you.
search and ye shall find... behold, the electroboy story.
the end of an era, the begining of the end... here i am... wallowing in self pity, wishing i could feel an important part of someone's life. The one person that could make me feel better isn't even here, i wish she was, a single touch could rid me of every pain and illness. I was arguing with my sister, i guess that is what got me all started. the chemical imbalance in my mind is making me depressed, terribly depressed. I used to be happy, i used to be clean, i used to be a lot better than i am now. What happened to this boy, this god fearing, ever curious, do gooder. All that's left is a shell of dark clouds with a permanent shower of rain. Let the clouds show what the heart feels. well, if it matters, i'll go sit in the rain now.
believe me... it's hard... i try, i want you to know what i feel, you don't believe me, what if you think i'm nuts? it's simple. but so complex... it's the only way to explain it. i'm sorry world, this burnout has returned for another trip... let the tears roll as the heart bleeds... no one knows what it's like. that's why i come here, yet the words don't come.. only the hurt... if i could show the hurt... you all would cry. Believe what you will... i don't believe anymore... i've stopped everything.
i know it's been awhile since i've added anything... but i couldn't help it... today... a couple weeks from prom.. no date... listening to other people relationships... find my own so lacking, letting the tears come slowly, my eyes even hurt. everyday, i find myself... less and less of a person... everyday, a part of me, dissapears into the black of night, i watch it float away, and can't help but cry even more. some people were just put on this world to be hurt i think. i want to stop my hurt... i want to just stop it.... i don't think it'd take much either way... but the way where i don't come back, is more likely to happen. no one really cares.. they say they do.. but thats what they think... people do fear me, i don't know why... i guess i don't appeal really to anyone, the few friends i do have, sometimes don't like me... i can't blame them... maybei should just end all their suffering, with me dissapearing. some say wait till your in college, you'll meet someone. i know i won't... if no girl ever really cared in high school.. my chances aren't much better in college. by the time college rolls around.. there wont' be anything left of my heart.
can you believe. everyday, i wake up, hoping some good will come to my life, and everynight, i fall asleep without anything that i had hoped for. It reaches beyond everything i've ever wanted before, why do i want to be loved so much? because my heart is the thing that aches. Whenever my eyes open i see a relationship budding, or blooming, or even fading. But it's still a relationship, in the equilibrium of life, i'm the downside.
My page had to be edited unfortunately, starting with the suspicion of me smoking weed. To think, i can't have anywhere, away from him especially. My mom is kewler at least. He has decided he's not going to pay for my college education at all. what an asshole, it burns me with rage. Especially considering the conversation he, my mother, and i had on the front porch confronting this "marijuana suspicion". He said that if i was smoking pot in college the "financial rug would be pulled out from under me". WELL FUCK HIM! He's not even paying a damn dime! Gosh, why does my life suck so much, i think i find happiness, yet i'm always sadly decivied. My first day back to my computer in weeks and nobody is even here to talk to = (. I'm going to return to myself soon though. Maybe i'll play some of grand theft auto after i get rid of all the junk mail from where i've been gone. I'm sorry world.
I wonder if i'll write in this a lot in college. It'd be nice. Maybe i'll publish it some day, but why would anyone care! Anyway, my current "song that i sing a few of the words i know when i'm bored or just thinking"-- it is "teenage dirtbag"... it just floats in my mind all day. It also reminds me of a song my bestest friend wrote.. "just another teenage burnout" it was harder... it was kewl. My own utter depressing fascination. My father is an asshole, i don't care if he see's it on here, hears about it or anything. It's my statement to the world, from now on i will dissociate myself from my father. I hope to not have to hear his voice for a long long time. What else is going in my life? I don't know... nothing ever exciting happens, i'm going to college, it's not exciting, i guess it will probably be another bad experience. *LMAO* my sister is cussing my brother out for talking so much, i should tape record that sometime and put it on the net. I could make me millions. *ROTFLMAO* ahhahahahahaha!
utterly bad, utterly bad feelings being cast through every last nerve of my body. I've been trying to figure out life, why it exists. I suppose really it is a difficult task, i keep arriving to what looks like a wall. When i was in maryland with my awesome cousin i tried looking from somewhere else. Up there, my family was so prestigous. Nothing was regreted, it seemed so perfect. I could see why they lived like they do, and it worked. Here, i tried it, it crashed like a train. if i could just get my frustrations about this e-mail i got. I don't know, it's just hard i guess, i care, and i want to help. Sex bothers me i guess. I've never had sex, i'm neither proud nor happy of that fact. When i'm confronted with the issue, i just shudder. I heard on love line about this 11 year old girl by a 38 year old... this e-mail was something like that. I just hate rape, i think it is the worst thing someone can do. I just hate a lot of things i guess. Never a person, never a person.
4th day of being in college and i'm already horribly depressed. It wasn't just something that kinda creeped up on me slowly. It just kinda hit me at once. I can't help it.. i know i'm in love, but i look around and i see all these girls. I know, none of them would ever even give me the chance to speak to them. Course, i don't blame them.. i wouldn't give me the chance either i guess. I am in love though.. i'm taken, my heart stolen, to never be found again. Kinda nice thought actually. I know i'll love her forever... forever and ever. She's not here right now.. that's why i'm so depressed. I miss her really. I don't know.. now a friend is trying to tell me how i'm cute, which i don't see. I just feel like i have to cry. Like it's sitting right behind my eye lids.. just waiting to burst. i guess i'll go now.. my heart aches too much so i'll die with it. goodbye cruel world.
now i'm really upset...
i didn't realize so many days got erased :( I'm really going to make a back up i guess. I figured this would be the one place that's a lot safer then my hard drive. and it took and act of god to even get in this damn thing. I've decided to hate browsers :( enough ranting about that i guess. Complaining won't bring it back. I finally feel so clear on what i feel. I saw it when i was sitting in my english class this morning. I felt the tension in the air, and i just sunnk below it. You would think that would help... but it didn't. I was disappointed so to say, this one girl just brought down my idea of society. So that's all well and good. I survived that... then the class let out, and i kinda skipped the last step and sorta tripped but didn't fall. The same girl laughed, and i just coldly walked away. Hurt, i walked in the crosswalk, and what was coming at me.. a bus. I held my life by a thread there. Stay in the crosswalk, end the humility, end the pain, end the suffering. So i walked across the parade field, mixing with the cold damp air. The atmosphere perfect. Only if it had been raining. I walked back and thought, my only place to hide from the world is my dorm room. My computer, the gateway i need and use. The only place where people care. Then i realize i'm just a number, to not just everyone else, but to the university, to the government. Everyone. People who down on internet relationships, i guess that just makes me a loser. Does it make you feel better to know that your crushing on the only thing i really have. The only thing that i can actually get up every day for. Without the internet, and the people i know. I would have never made it this far. So i'm a loser, i hope someone feels better about knowing it. i just can't stand it much longer. Tears would only be a welcome site. So i got sick of society for now. Then i came back, and read the injustices on the basis of race. Only upsetting me more. I guess i'm done with my rant now. blah blah blah.. that's all i'm about i guess.
10.31.00 (that's rite, halloween time: 3:41 am)
Well, the day hasn't started yet really. So far i've made two recipes for the international college food, ramen noodles. A simply confusing evening it has been. Especially after the event occuring last weekend. Too bad i can't go into detail... can't upset any people. I can't believe that, i can't even express what i really feel because someone wouldn't like me any longer. Is it worth it. I think so... but i don't know if i'm right. I'm usually not, and if i changed my mind, it'd still be a wrong move. I lose both ways. But hey, i fixed my page, just a simple problem.. didn't even look, if i looked at the top of the damn browser i probably would have realized the problem. Oh well.. peace love and hippiness :)
10.31.00 4:37 P.M.
A feeling i know entirely too much. A feeling of coming down... too much weezer... not enough life. Burndout. Drug out. Wasted life. Say it Ain't so and the world has turned and left me here. feeling more and more alone, as the second passes. My room mate, deserting me. True, being alone doesn't bother me in my dorm. I still won't have anyone to talk to. Hours will go by me just sitting at my computer talking to the virtual people of the world. My numbers. *sigh* Life seems to keep taking away importance from me. What do i have to look forward to? A test at 9 tonite. Giving me a couple of hours. Or something.. i doubt i'll do too well. The world has turned though.. and i am here alone. Facing upon new days with eyes unseen, and with the most primordal fear of failing. That's all i've done with my life is fail. It might seem everything is going dandy and fine, but suddenly there it is to slap me in the face provoking the end of anything good. Failure. I live with it, i'm a loser. Hopeless to the end. Take heed and don't let your children turn into something like me. just would not be good at all.
so this is what i've been reduced to. i wonder if i could go any lower. i feel so cut and dry, cold and uncaring. i had a dream.. a nightmare some would say, the problem with this nightmare is that even when i woke up it seemed prevelant in my life. it was there, it was reality. cold, bitter, reality. so here i sit, a class between then and now. halfway pondering on any worth contained in my life, and talking about asymtotes for the millionth time. now i'm going back to sleep. i don't know what else to do. i don't have anyone to talk to, i don't have anyone to care. i'm alone, i'm always alone. the internet made me believe that i could get close to people.. that they could be here.. and i wouldn't be alone. it just covers my eyes though.. i am alone. and i'll always always be alone. so then i wonder, why even try anymore? i have no hope, no dreams, no life, no will, no reason, no one. my favorite sites have all been taken down. www.anti-social.com and www.suicide.com. suicide.com is on sale for 735 dollars. i hate those people now. this is my suicide.com. it's not good like there's was, but it's all i have. The only place i can go. my dark corner of the internet, where i can scribble on the walls, take a step back, and see how twisted and demented my life is. realize, how much i dont' want to be here anymore. where am i to go? there is no place to go. i can't run from this.. i can't hide from this. if i stand here, it will never arrive, and the pain will always continue. i have to get away from this bitter reality. wouldn't be hard for someone who doens't believe in reality. it's everyone else though.. those who do believe.. that force me to live in reality. there's only one way out. only one way out. from where i'm standing, it'd even be the easiest, the lease painful, less stress on everyone else believe it or not. a few people my be saddened for a day or two, then i'd be lost. "jonatan who?" let me rest my weary eyes, in hopes that i'll never open them again. I just want to escape from this cruel world, never having to look back and return.
The passed few days have rather been hectic for me. I had a birthday, i guess it was alright. Today already hasn't gone well. I woke up at about 8:07 and wondered why my alarm clock didn't wake me up at 7:30. Because i didn't change it back from 9:10. So damn, get up and go to class? or just forget about it? I got up and went to class. To my surprise Josh wasn't teaching... some girl was talking about aids. I think she thinks science and technology are bad, but thats what my major basically is so i was bothered. THEN comes the real kicker. Everyday something seems to just go out of it's way to ruin my day. I wrote this paper about 2 weeks ago. I thought it was a great paper, i wasn't the only one. Obviously though, i'm a bad writer. My paper didn't even deserve a C apparently. So am i below average writer? Then what do i have? I lost touch with all my science, it seems alien to me. I told myself at least i write pretty good, but now, i guess i don't even have that. So what do i have? I don't know... i honestly don't konw.
to think i'm let down everyday, i always end up hating yesterday, and i really don't want tomorrow to ever come.
here i sit, emptiness consuming my entire body. where does this feeling come from? hurts more then emptiness... that even my emptiness is draining... so i have nothing but a void. that reminds me of "the world has turned and left me here" that makes me cry. love i will never accomplish, feelings i will never feel. It is me, it's all me, my head is just messed up... damaged from something or the other... i question if i even want to live for tomorrow... people i seem close to.. suddenly float away with their tethers released. never returning. I am alone in this world... no matter how close someone gets to me. Because i am different, i don't belong.. i don't belong anywhere. I'm a reject, yet people accept me, i'm a loser, yet people think i'm not. I can't deal with this world, yet i keep going. When will it all end, and my true form will come out.. and i will die. I want the suffering to end. my eyes stinging as i open them to tomorrow.
i hate my life
here i sit... alone, in the dark. No one on my icq list, no one on my aim list. Everyone is with their families i suppose. I.. i am alone. tomorrow, i will be alone, on christmas. My other option, to go to my dad's house, to be grilled with questions i don't want to answer, cover topics that i find irrelevant to talk about on christmas. what shall i do? what can anyone do for me? I was there for everyone when they needed me, now everyone ran away, so no one needs me, no one wants me, no one has any use for me whatsoever. That past few days have taken their toll on my fragile being, straining the string that i hold on life. i'm a loser. yey.
well.. first post of the new year.. oh my god.. what a day... my life has been completely turned around since christmas.. which was the day after my last post.. my world is just crashing around me all of the sudden.. second day of classes... last night.. something happened last night that i will never be able to explain... and today.. i'm miserable... with no true outlet.. i'm an asshole.. i'm a loser.. i hate my dad... my lifes suddenly leading nowhere.. where am i to go? drive far.. far awwwwaaaaayyyyyy
a flow of distant painful emotions.. i'm almost afraid to be happy now.. i will be.. i'm going to be happy.. i listen to this song.. it makes me miss my emotions of sadness :( i can be sad now.. but my sadness is stress now.. emptiness is still tere.. but filled wit some kind of airy gas.. it's crazy. radiohead is good.. makes me miss joel a whole lot.. what a great guy.. i missed is birtday.. what a bad friend. i'm sorry man.. i'm so sorry. Time for the weezer.
2.24.01 : 5:21am
my life.. seems to be at the happiest point now :) aside from the current discomforts of a quiting room mate.. my love life hasn't been better :) the other aspects of my life kinda fuzzy though. A great girl :) god.. perfect *smiles* shite :( now i fogot all the babble i was going to put up... i haven't felt like this in awhile.. for some reason i think of the beach early in the morning of summer at my dad's condo.. i keep feeling like a failure at so many things.. but lately i think my mind has come up with some pretty crazy stuff... different perspectives of everyone.. how no perspective is the same... i remember fishing on the chesapeke bay once from a boat.. the sun felt so good. the salt air :) it was so great... then.. there's the time.. i was at somebodys house on the bay.. and there were so many jelly fish in the water.. i was scared.. but i couldn't help but stare at how many there were.. it looked like an ocean of jelly fish.. waves.. of jelly fish.. but only gentle waves.. hehe.. i remember later that night falling out of a bunk bed.. what is scary though.. is i don't think that was really me.. maybe in past life.. not the fishing part :) the bay... because i don't know any place that has ever looked like that.. *sigh* my minds moving so fast.. i don't know why.. must be the dr. pepper kicking in.. and some vitamins i took... watching woodstock on tv.. floyd has come to peace me out.. goodnight all..
remember sipping on the finer things in life trying to find out where and what my life was really for. My mind on the cigarette and toadstool racing as fast as i could. i remember go home.. it all seemed different.. but all the same. now.. my week.. a strange blur.. i wonder where it went too.. and wonder if i did better than worse. everyone seemed to fade away as te week progessed... i don't know why.. i find myself sitting alone now.. a single english class tomorrow.. my head... gone.. *sigh* i need to find the purpose.. the meaning.. the catch... what i'm missing.. maybe it's just me.. doomed to be lost forever. i know i miss being home.. i miss seeing all the blue skies.. and the white clouds.. the trees.. the grass. my family.. my friends.. my house.. my life.. here.. it's all different.. i'm still a loser... with nothing.. nothing to offer anyone. the true epitimy of the word accomplish.
wow.. it's been a long week.. i put this here to remember the 22... the first time i really kissed a girl.. a lot of things happened that night.. boy was it fun *L* corndogs in the bucket... but.. matt is a real asshole.. THE BIGGEST ASSHOLE I KNOW.. bigger than my dad even. I want to kill him..
"the worst day of my life"
feel like shit
walking in the rain
my life slowly washing away
with the raindrops
continues to wash away
where am i to go
my life now falling upon the earth
well.. here i am.. alone.. in the dark.. my day, just seems like shards of a broken bulb. I'm trying to figure out what i gained. It seems like i just became nothing when i got here.. my only friends here.. the guys down the hall.. i was so happy to see them.. then my friend was pissed :( we were all talking.. and it seemed to be getting edgy.. so i just told everyone that i love them.. then he just said he didn't care.. i was hurt.. i was miserable then.. to continue through the night.. to this abrupt conclusion falling asleep sometime after 2.. i could call this girl.. i don't know.. she's asleep.. i just need to cry.. i guess i'm just afraid if i start.. i won't be able to stop. i just want to comfort myself in a song.. or let it hurt me.. get lost somewhere.. anywhere but here.. it seems my life is finding less meaning.. i'm afraid when i'll find none at all..
another night, alone in my room, lack of joy overwheling beyond belief. I guess i deserve to be alone. Tears don't flow as readily as they used to, now it just hurts. Hurts more than it ever has. I don't know if it can ever really be soothed. I just want to find a song.. that will make me cry.. so i can get my pain out.. instead it stays inside of me.. locked inside.. to rot.. to hurt me as much as possible. Am i doing this to myself? I don't know. I don't want to talk to psychiatrists and counselors.. they can't help me.. they don't know about me. They never will. My life's a big lie to even myself. My few friends seem to vanish before me. I'll miss them over the summer. I won't have anyone else to hang out with.. just be lonely again.. i can't stand it much more.. when the only thing i crave is a friend all i get is a cold room by myself, huddled in the dark behind my monitor. Wasting my life away.. i wish i could just make it kill me now.
i know it's been awhile. with the current state of affairs writting has been the last thing on my mind. not until a nite i get depressed.. and take all of the negative things i find in my life and bunch them up before everything else. So that's all i see.. a wall of pain and sorrow. I don't know why i create it.. because it feels like i belong there. I'm not that important.. i'm not that worthy.. i'm not that great in any aspect... i'm not smart.. i'm not intellegent.. i'm not interesting.. i'm not even worth the time of day to a loser... i haven't talked to any counselers or psychiatrists lately.. i wonder if that's a problem.. just take my medicine.. that will just make it all better.. i don't see how.. maybe it does.. maybe it doesn't.. no one could cure my problems.. i don't see why people try... you talk to them.. they say.. mmmhmm.. and why do you feel like that.. okay.. well.. this is what you can do.. maybe that's what it is all about.. "this is what you can do" will it make it all better? possibly.. it's all part of a bigger picture... but it's THEIR picture... not my picture.. my picture may have supposed to been gray.. partly sunny on occasion and downpours for the most part. i run out of things to say to them.. i wish i knew what to do....
why the fuck does my life have to suck so much!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
well.. the shit.. as always.. has hit the fan. More complications.. yet music always seems to calm the anger and tears anymore. thanks zeppelin.. i'm trying to make it in this world.. well.. even when i look at the landscape of my life at the moment.. i realize school isn't that big.. maybe i'm just stupid.. maybe there's just something else out there for me.. but i don't know where i'd be with out my buddies justin and aron.. i'm gonna love you guys forever.. i just hope you know that. i was grumbling all day about my major shit.. but.. now.. i guess i'll live.. till my mom yells at me anyways... goodnite world
today is the last day of the fall semester... today is the last day of exams... i'm not sure if i'll come back next semester. I know i'll miss my friends.. but i don't have much of a choice. I don't know what i did to piss of this world so much. ever since i got to VT it seems like they've just wanted to get me out of here.. or just try and make my experience as miserable as possible. A great deal of my trouble i feel is contributed to my stupid advisor. Ah.. what a bitch... but.. i'm not one to blame other people... so i'll blame myself.. i am the cause of all my problems.. i am the problem
happy new year... well.. not all that happy... no school.. not that that's bad.. not that that's good.. i wonder sometimes if i'm worthy to even be on this planet. I guess the only one i'm letting down is my mom though.. hmm.. i don't know.. i don't know anymore.. i just try and move forward... and usually wrongly i suck
i don't understand it.. such feeling never enveloped me with such depression. i can't even explain.. my mother point out to me Cammie Justus's name.. i didn't see her... so i moved so i could.. .then i realize her boyfriend is the 1st chair trombone. the same boy who took the job i wanted so badly this summer but didn't get it becuase i wasn't fortunate enough to be the damn hospital directors son... whom i doubt had any networking knowledge whatsoever. but cammie likes him.. so that obviously makes him better than me... suddenly.. i just wanted to cry... i felt worthless.. i couldn't... so i waited.. i didn't know what i was going to do.. so i went outside as soon as the concert ended and just watched as the people left... silently.... quietly crying.. tearing myself apart inside. Maybe all this sounds stupid.. maybe i'm just stupid.. who's to tell.. and who's to deny? i personally think no one is fit.. they're just words.. and we think they have meanings.. i've never felt so depressed so quickly.. maybe it's just because i was so crazy about Cammie.. she's an incredible girl.. and i'm just a lousy boy... who could only dream about such.. i don't know how that bastard got so lucky.. and what he has that i don't.. oh wait.. apparently everything.. i'm such a loser... i wish someone would just put me out of my misery...
it feels so much like i'm losing her.. like some bastard is taking her away... too many things come back around to him.. its scary... she's my life.. she's my dreams.. she's all i have... to lose it... it would be my life.. i have no more doubt about it... it feels like that's where i should be.. or maybe i'll just pretend to be dead.. stop talking.. listening to this song.. this song..
Red wine and sleeping pills
Help me get back to your arms
Cheap sex and sad films
Help me get where I belong
I think you're crazy, maybe
I think you're crazy, maybe
Stop sending letters
Letters always get burned
It's not like the movies
They fed us on little white lies
I think you're crazy, maybe
I think you're crazy, maybe
I will see you in the next life
Pulled apart at birth
Limbless and helpless
I can't even recognize you
I think you're crazy, maybe
I will see you in the next life
i just want her to talk to me.. when i know she's talking to him.. maybe i'm wrong.. i know i'm wrong..
why do i just keep babbling on.. now she's impatient.. now i'm crying.. i just want to know i'm important to her.. more important than him at least.. i can't keep her talking to me anymore *sigh* but he can.. fuck me *shakes head and fades away* mail me