Aiyana's Journal Continued
::As you turn the last page of the mournful entry you hope to read something better...anything. Then you noticed that the next page is entitled Kagato with little designs here and there so turn the page and begin reading::
I know I have not written you in a month or two, but I have not had the time. No sign of the Energy Gate or my people anywhere. I have one more month before I know what sex the baby is. I hope it's a girl. The Inn construction is going nicely thanks to Pyro and Delta's help, they have become my official Bodyguards now. I joined my first guild, Elite, I am a Knight. Well, enough of my personal updates, let me tell you who I met today.
He is rather strange, but I feel like I know him from somewhere, though I swear I never ever seen his face before in my life...isn't that odd? For the life of me, I cannot remember his name, though he invited me to visit his friends. I met Tenchi...rather nice but I'm not ready for a relationship yet...maybe never. What was his name? What was his name? Oh bugger! He sure talks a lot...and arrogant. I have a feeling that will cause problems later on. I can't STAND arrogance.
KAGATO IS HIS NAME! I found out a week later when I saw him Next time though, I think I'll bring ear plugs. I suppose I am his teacher of sorts. He is a quick learner and pretty soon won't need me anymore. I think he'll start a guild of his own soon. Seems to be too much work to me. He's intelligent and quick witted which I admire, but he can be so mouthy and immature sometimes and for some reason he always seems to rub me the wrong way. So many men want to be with me, but I feel like I'm betraying Vlad. Yes I know my thoughts are jumbled, but Kag always seems to have that affect on me...that is if I'm not angry.
Okay...now I swore in my mind that I'd never talk to him again and it's been about a month...or two and today I think about him and actually start to miss him, and what happens? He visits me, acting like he didn't miss me or that I was angry at him. I just want to slap him..scream at him..yell. He always acts like nothing bothers him and it ANNOYS me. He always drives me away, I leave because even when I say go away he never does.
Another relationship failure Book,
When will I ever learn to never get my hopes up or believe in people. They just let you down. Kagato is trying to impress some girl and asked my opinion on his writing. He is extremely romantic and touches the heart with his written words. If he'd only apply this wonderous gifts to speaking voice, women would be all over him. A soft man he is...but why does he hide it? That flute of his....I love its music....so pure and relaxing. He is a mystery to me....I wonder if I am the same way to him?
I felt at ease something I hadn't felt since Vlad was alive. The baby is making me look bigger, but no kicking yet. Kagato said I wear pregnancy well...that I glow. Well perhaps I do. I hope one day that Kagato will be close to this child. The reason? He will know this child...he's been watching it grow inside me and I'm sure he will do many more things along the way.
It is a girl...her name will be Selena, as I am sure I mentioned that before, kicking has started and sometimes it really hurts. Elite has been disbanded and I have been in four other guilds which have been disbanded as well. My heart aches again...Rowen has left and I don't know why and Artix is back in my life for the second time. I haven't talk to Kagato much...he is busy in Guilds too, I wonder how he is...? I miss him, but it is so hard to tell him...sometimes I don't think he cares so I act as if I don't. I know that's not right but I'm scared...I know we would not work, so why tell him I miss him, it would only complicate things.
I left Kagato again....and yet again, I really do not know why. I think I'm too confused to deal with his carefree nature. I want to be happy but how can I if I go from man to man. I don't want to be alone, but why can't these men commit? What is it about me? Am I just a good lay...someone for pure comfort but not for a life long mate? He is my friend nothing more, he is the first man to show no interest in me, for which part of me is so glad and the other part is confused on men in general. I will go back to him but not right now, I need to think yet again.
Not much of interest happened, but a lot did happen which fills me with regret and wondering if I am in my right state of mind. I saw the ghost of Vlad for the second time. This time I'm mentioning it, first time I thought I missed him so much that I was making him up, but no, I really saw him..just checking up on me he said. Artix left again and came back AGAIN. I told Kagato I was going to marry him which was another stupid mistake by me...the look on his face hurt me but on a good note.Selena will be due in three more months.
Okay, so Selena did not wait three more months, it has been a week since the labor. I have not been that scared in a long time. I was in a Cavern of all places with one healer woman and three men. Delta, Edgar, and Kagato. It was a long but not too dificult of a labor. Edgar was hysterical, Delta had no clue what to do. Only Kagato was level headed. He got the healer, calmed me down relaxed me playing music and coached me. I'm sure he was scared but he didn't show it. He had to leave right when Selena's head start to show.
Selena is such a beautiful girl, she already reminds me of her father. She has big blue gray eyes, that I think will change when she grows some and the thickest, blackest hair you ever seen. She has this white streak going through it. I swear she has Vlads face. I could not be prouder, I need to thank Kagato for his help the next time I see him.
I find it rather odd, that Kagato and I are not so close. Maybe I annoy him? Perhaps he feels I don't like him or I have too many men, I really don't know. I do like him, a lot. I respect him for his wits, intelligence and charisma, but as always his pride shuns me. It's like he has to put up a defensive wall around himself whenever we get into conversation. I tried to thank him for helping me with the birth but I never had the chance too. We got into a debate that turned into an argument, and as usual I got frustrated, blew up at him and my emotions so jumbled up as they were...I forgot my purpose in coming to him in the first place. He always confuses me. I don't understand why he must twist every simple lil thing I say? Do you know the answer Book?
Hmmm, I debating on whether or not to discuss this entry. I might as well, I tell you everything.
It is winter, Selena is about 5 months and she gets more beautiful every day. Artix sttod me up in December at the alter and today I find out Kagato is getting married in a few days. I think the pang I felt was MY pride getting stung for once. Jealous no...hurt yes..hurt because he does not love her and I know it. He confuses it with caring. He doesn't even really know her, he's marrying her because she will die. That is pure fucking bullshit in my opinion. She just wants to break him. I know the marriage will not work. Did I voice my ugly opinion to him? Of course not I'm not as cold hearted as people think. I wished him well and lots of happiness and I meant it. Kagato is a good man regardless of his impulses.
After his wedding I helped my current lover Anthonie form a guild called DoomGuard, I am placed as Second in Command in charge of paperwork. My biggest position since Elite Disbanded and I put up my Knights Armor. Geez I never knew how much work was involved. I was very excited at first. I even got Kagato to Join. But as months wore on, I was basically running the Guild. I don't regret it that much since I met Valas, a drow, Dark Angel, an angel and Azrael another angel. Azrael helped me a lot. It is now mid April. Selena is crawling and getting into everything. I quit Doomguard after an insult and the four of us are trying to run our own guild. Azrael wants to name it the Storm Riders of Rhy'Din. I love him, he is my strength. I haven't heard much from Kagato, I hope he is doing fine.
It is almost May, the Guild is small but we just started April 18th, our first official member was Darien so it's ok to be small. It sure is a lot of work though, but Azrael is there to help...I want to marry him.
I haven't told Kagato of course, I guess I am afraid too, which is silly but he is having troubles with his wife Comet, my plans might remind him of his maritial problems. Plus, I think in my opinion that he doesn't like Az and he knows deep down I value his opinion...so I won't tell him.
I know it's been a lil over a month and it's early summer but the guild takes a lot of my time as well as talkitive but adorable Selena and the man I admire..Azrael. He loves me I can feel it, oh it feels so wonderful. After the death of Vlad, three failed marriages and numerous failed relationships, I deserve true happiness don't you think?
What troubles me though, is Kagato. He seems so unhappy but he doesn't talk about. He's drifting away again. He doesn't realize, I understand what he is going through, I know his pain...if he would only talk to me, I would help.
Let me stop this writing of mine before I ramble on when I should be working. I will write soon.
Good morning Book,
Today marks the day one full year ago Vlad died. July 13th will forever haunt me. I have come far and have grown more stronger since his death. I have a new love and perhaps a bright future. As much as I would like to move on and with time..forget, I cannot. He is in the face of our daughter. Ever time I look at her, I see him. I remember our love so keenly, he is a part of my soul and my memory and no matter how much I move on, like right now I carry Azrael's child inside me. Vlad is and always will be my first love and the holder of my heart. How does Kagato tie into this? It is simple...He understands who and what Vlad is to me. That is very important to me. I think that Vlad is proud of me, proud of his daughter. She will grow and prosper, especially happy and I will make certain that she will know who her father is. She has a bright, hopeful and happy future ahead of her and I will make sure with everything I have, she will stay that way.
Kagato joined the guild today, he is till having trouble with Comet. I'd wish he just leave her, he is not happy, but his guilt makes him stay. I told you he didn't love her book. He is headed in the wrong direction, he is hanging with some other woman lately, if he goes any further he's going to hurt Comet. While yes, I don't give a damn about her, I know the pain and rage of being used and cheated on. Most men, it's a pity..can't keep their dick where it belongs and sluts...well they can't keep their hands other women's men... ever hear the term "I want what they have cause it's better than mine?"
Well enough about that, the reason I brought this up is because I'm going through a similar problem with Azrael. I'm jealous. But I honestly think it is more than that. He has this slave....and book you know how I feel about slavery. This "girl" is named Shyra. She is always indecently dressed. What does she think this is? Gor? I'm so pissed at Azrael..he let her join the guild without filling out an application nor did he consult. I don't want the bitch here, something about her just rubs me wrong, she clings to Azrael like a lover...what am I just a lil pretty puppet? No I am his fiance. You think anybody will miss her if she had an acident and I maybe possibly hid the body somewhere? Too cold? sorry...I just don't like slaves..some enjoy and lie, steal, love sex, are spies...need I go on? Well I better go do something to get my mind off this.
ALL THE MEN IN THIS WORLD ARE FUCKING ASSHOLES!! it's been about two weeks since I told wrote in you. Just been so busy. Was to mad to write anyway. Azrael and Shyra, not to mention Valas left the Guild. Now I'm running it by myself.
Kagato fucked the slut he was spending time with, Comets heartbroken, they're getting a divorce. Azrael is not speaking to me, called off the engagement.
I'm sorry book I know I'm going to fast and skipping around...let me try to explain better. A few days ago, Shyra asked Kagato can she serve him in anyway, he made some comment about slaves and how no one should serve him. the bitch got insulted told Azrael he got pissed off cause he's jealous of Kagato for some reason. He blew up at me, things got very bad and out of hand. You know what the bastard said to me? Shyra told him I was unfaithful and now HE says, the child I carry is not his....I should have slapped him or gutted him...or something. How the hell does he figure cause some jealous slutty ass bitch told him? Azrael and I are togeter 15 hours a day, fuck 4 times a day...EXCUSE me but for 9 hours is when I actually sleep and work out the soreness from sex. I am not a damn nymph I'm not going to go at it 24/7. They're all crazy. Yeah so Azrael went on leave for a month oooo and I kissed another guy......ooooooooooo big crime. It was Rowen of all people I kissed. He's my dearest friend and yes we used to be a couple, but Rowen nor I would take it far, Rowen is a gentleman and I would not cheat on Azrael. I love Azrael I guess he can't see that...insulting my virtue, and my comitment to him. The kiss was a light friendly kiss...it involved no passion, tenderness, tongue....I tried to explain, but he wouldn't listen. Now I'm alone, taking my frustraion on Kagato and his stupid ass mistake with his almighty dick! I HATE MEN...sometimes.