Aiyana's journals

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OOC NOTE: What you read here is STRICTLY to get to know her thoughts. This will not be used IC. No Screen names will be given, just names. Remember, this her privacy. I thought, as her mun to let the viewer see them, since most do not give personal thoughts to others. These pages are for mun eyes. Chars will not see them for her journals are hidden and since I will not tell where your chars have no clue, so how can THEY see these pages? Last note, some of these entries will be the past I will not get into the present until later.

**UPDATE** 6/18/2001
due to my overwhelming amount of work load, stress over the last 6 months or more and recent coping of a family members death..I have stopped writing Aiyana's journals altogether, they are way behind and need a makeover. I cannot keep up with it and have considered to stop and take it down. I know this used to be one of the favorite pages on my site, vote here to let me know and I will see if I can motivate myself to write more. If I know people still care it will help my out a great deal!

::this parchment is yellowing with age and the handwriting is sloppy and cude, looking like childs work, as the ink is smeared and smuged in some areas::
I's fine you toDay Booc, you is biG and hard. you my sekrat, I rite you. Kant let MaSter see you. He will be maD. I is glad Mona taot me to read and rite. She gon now. MaSter said she knew alot and haD to go away. MaSter said she make me bad and tat is how com he hurted me bunches. He said, not hurt, but it hurted to me, but I's not sopose to talk bac to MaSter. What he says is rite. MaSter always good to me, he hurteds me cuse I bad girl. when I is good he touches me all over and kisses me too. AnD if I really good I sleep in his BeD. it warm there, he is to. I want a BeD, soft and good smell. MaSter says I can when I be best girl. i got to go MaSter wants me to kleen him. Bye Booc.

This next entry is graphic and may be upseting to read. It may also offend people so read with caution.

::as you flip the page you noticed that the page is horribly spotted with blacked spots...blood perhaps? also the handwriting is bad, like the writer was in a hurry or scared::
Booc I feel not good. I not see good too. one I not open for me and it hurts. it's dark and cold here. I very stared, but MaSter is gon for now. I is shaking and feel sick, MaSter hurted me, he says it will go away soon but I know it will never. Girls hav hard stuff to do, wush I was a boy so MaSter won't kisses me. He used his tonge and sucked on my face and my mouth. I thot he was gon to eat me...I cry and he hit me sooooo hard. I not cry no more. Told Me to lie still and he pulled my cloths off and was toching Me, I moved and he bite me, left a mark too, it still bleeding. Took his cloths off too and showed me his Dic, he call it that. it was ugly, big and long. He poked me with it, it was icky and wet. I wanted so bad to go away, but MaSter said men do this to girls cause that's all we good for. he rubbed it in my face and my body, I not like it at all. Stuck in my mouth and moved it in there, taste very bad and me choke, when I bited him, he got on top, he was very heavy and I not move he put it in my legs and move up and down. I screamed but he suck my face again. He made noises and it burned beteen my legs, like it was fire, couldn't breth good, ooooohhhh it hurted me real bad Booc. I felt like I was being torn and blood was everywhere and I can taste the icky stuff. The faSter he went the more it hurted and when I went pee, I cry. when he took it out he put his face there. Why do I feel dirty? He used his tonge and the teeth and figers. A long time went and I lay still and yelled at Me to Move, pulled my hair hit my tummy my I's blood came my mouth and he put me in here. I go now to sleep. You a good frend Booc. I'll be the goodest for MaSter.

::as you keep turning the pages of the large leather bound book worn with age and use, you read of her years of abuse and neglect by her Master. Learning his name is Delron. A sense of pity and anger can be felt reading these pages as you read about how she pleased her Master, he punishments for disobeying, being locked in dark rooms. Beaten and bloody, her burning desire to be away from him, a fear making her stay. You study the smeared pages, with food and blood stains, hating to imagine what else is there. The handwriting changes becoming more clear and structured, like that of an older person and no longer one of a child.::

::from this entry, even though it is short, has much meaning to the person wtiting it in neat script::

Oh Book, I did it today! I escaped Delron! The World is SO big, I can move on my own without being pulled by that accursed chain! Theres more too, clothes...REAL clothes, of any fabric. Only food, no money and no place to sleep. Maybe I can work for it and buy the things I need later? I must hide though...Delron will be looking for me. I need a name, he never called me a name, he just called me "Little One" Oh well I'll think of one right now I must find shelter, it is starting to rain. Maybe then when things get settled in I can search for my family...

Well Book, it has been a few days, I am now at the Whitethorn Inn. Nadiia and her fiance` are very generous to let me stay in there cozy home and eat too! All I have to do is tend it when they need help. It's fun, I see lots of people and they're nice and ACTUALLY talk to me. Well some anyway but I don't mind the grouchy ones. Nadaiia says I do a good job and I get paid for my work.
I met an interesting man today...his name is Morgan Vlad Sylverfyre....he looks scary but he's not so bad. I thought it looks rather strange for a man to wear fishnet on his arms and face paint on his features, but then again he found it rather strange I did know what or how to make ice cream, so he taught me how. He is the first man who did not touch me in a sexual way and that felt really nice. We talked for hours, it was good to be listened to.
Another man I met today was Doctrine Asacara, he is very handsome Book, finely groomed black hair, the prettiest blue eyes and a fantastic smile. He is well mannered and plays music well, he promised to teach me to play a piano. Well, it seems I have written a lot in you today. I have to talk to a book binder about adding pages to you, I'm running out of space, I may even patch up your cover. Good night my Keeper of Thoughts.

::As you keep turning pages they get cleaner and whiter as you get closer to the present but you notice that you are not even near the middle::

Well Book,
You have two hundred sheets added to you and a brand new cover added to you. Don't worry I didn't get rid of the old pages even though I would very much like to. You look very good I must say and I think these new pages will last me awhile. The pages took a month to put in you because I had no money, so let me fill you in on the last two months.
I have wonderful news, I'm getting paid more and Angel, well Doctrine....he prefers to be called Angel now, he's courting me now Book. Every night he comes to the Whitethorn to walk with me. We talk about the future, he has big plans to become a renound musician someday and wants me to join him, but I want a nice house, not big not small and many children. Doctrine says that's boring...I guess it is. He told me he loved me, I feel warm and fuzzy inside. When he kisses me...I feel light as air.
Before I can write a million pages on Doctrine let me get to my other news. Nadiia is getting married to her Rowen WhiteThorn next Month, she is very excited. I'm helping her make the dress. Vlad is doing well too, he has been promoted in his Guild to a higher rank. I might join a Guild one day. He told my dreams weren't boring, that he too wanted a house, neither big nor small and that a child or two would be nice. I think he would be a good father despite his outward appearance and attitude he shows everyone. I see it in his eyes, they are always smiling. Well, Book I've updated you and now it is time for bed. Goodnight.

I'm so sorry Book,
I know it has been awhile since I have written in you. It's just I have been so busy and my mind whirling with so many thoughts right now. I really don't know where to begin. Nadiia has gotten married, it was a lovely wedding, so many people. Little had I thought I would be attending my own. That's right Book, Doctrine purposed and I said yes....and we got married that night...just him, me, and the priestess. I felt so silly in my cotton white robe while he was in a white silk suit, so nicely done too. His house is SO big Book, I felt lost in it.
That night, with him was so akward...I mean yes we made love Book, but not the way I expected or not what I was used to with Delron. Instead of me doing the work, I wasn't fotced to please him but rather I was to just lie there. He WAS gentle, as silly as it sounds, I prefer Delrons method...I like to move around. Don't get me wrong I don't like being forced into anything and then get punished for not doing something. All the same though...lying still is a restraint just like being told what somebody wants done to please them. Ok, yes I'm done musing over my sex life. If I have time tomorrow, I will write.
Again another few months have gone by and I feel trapped. Mr. Doctrine Asacara says I'm silly for writing you. I rarely see him and when I do he's "gotta go, in a hurry" I feel like I have two faces. The happy me and the lonely me. The happy me is when he performs in inns and taverns and he tags me along, but I'm NOT really happy Book. I put up a front for him so he will not be disappointed in me, I want him happy, it means a lot to me. The lonely me is when we get home, away from the eyes of the public and all the sudden he changes saying he must leave and does. I go to the Whitethorn to get away from that empty house. Vlad is my only company these days. He's so nice I don't see why people don't like him. He sure doesn't like Delta, he wants to kill him. Delta seems to be a tad annoying though but a good friend nonetheless. I will end here for the Day.

::The handwriting in this entry is a little rushed, as if the writer was rushed::
Oh god Book, he found me......Delron found's been almost a year. Why can't I be left alone to live what is left of my happiness. I cannot go back to him, I can't. I don't want to be beat anymore, I have a name, a life. I am Moonshyne now, I will NOT let him take that away and make me feel like I'm nothing again. I know I'm more than property. I refuse to be treated like an animal. My husband says I'm too worried over nothing...he's wrong.... I know what Delron is capable of. I must protect myself. I need to learn how to fight.

Afternoon Book,
can't stay long, I have to bathe to get the sweat and grime off me. I had hard training with Vlad today. He is too easy on me I think he thinks I'm too small or something. We have gotten closer the last few months. He understands me, but I am worried for him. He has been "spying" for Delron and relaying information back to me. I am Delron's bane or something like that and my streaks have power, I'm an Ostellian and I actually have family. Vlad says I will be a great Leader someday. I don't want to lead. I want to be a mother of lots of children. I want them to be happy and not grow up scared and dirty like I did. No child should be neglected or harmed and I will make sure my children are safe and happy. Realizing they have great worth and will loved above all else.
*NOTE* this entry may be offensive to some *has sexual content*

Book I did an immoral thing today,
I cheated on Doctrine with Vlad. I will not justify what I did, because it will still be wrong to cheat on someone no matter what the reason. Yet I cannot push aside what I feel for the man, Morgan Vlad SylverFyre any longer. Denying it just made me miserable. All the love I tried to give to my husband never worked and I asked myself did he truly love me...he says he does but never shows it when we are alone. Let me explain what happened.
It all started at the Whitethorn Inn I was talking to Vlad about his favorite subject, different flavors of ice cream, when Doctrine walked in and told me to come home, I did and we argued and I told him about Delron and my training with Vlad and most of all, how I felt lonely. He called me foolish and said I was childish, that I had a big house and an inn to look after. I countered saying those are things not a person that it wouldn't kill him to hold me and I wanted something of my very own. He left angry and so did I. I went back to the Inn throwing my ring he gave me across the room, it hit Vlad who I didn't know had stayed. I told him to keep it and give it to a girl he loved and would marry but he told me the girl he wanted was married. I left confused and upset.
The next few days of not seeing Doctrine I asked Vlad for a spar on my favorite island. It was deserted and had white sands. I vented my anger towards Vlad through combat, I beat him, we were both tired afterwards. I sat down looking at the ocean and I swear he came across my vision stark naked, running and splashing in the water giggling like a little boy. I mean I just sat there book...stunned. I had no idea of what to do so I sat there until he came jogging up to me asking to go for a swim. I just kept my eyes focused on his, refusing to look anywhere else and it was then I noticed how silver his eyes really were. Bright and shining, so warm. I had no one to stare at me like the way he did. I knew then and there, looking at him, that I would be safe and have the love I desperately wanted to give and have.
He made love to me in the water. I have never felt so alive or free before he touched me. All walls and barriers crashed down as our bodies intertwined, I let him in, not just physically but in my soul. Oh Book, you would not believe the gentleness of this man. I could write pages upon pages about him but I think I took enough pages on this one entry. I need rest anyway...goodnight.

::The next few pages about ten or so, describe her and Vlad together. Doctrine oblivious of the affair and their secret meetings to the island where Vlad is building a cabin for them to live in. Aiyana discusses the plans for the future together with him. It is a happy time for her.::

OOC: Graphic Content

::the reader gathers admist a little confusion that Aiyana has not written for some time, sensing fast pace emotions from the words on the page::
I killed the sick bastard today Book! HE IS DEAD and NEVER going to hurt me again! NEVER! Do you hear me? It was his fault...he challenged me to a Death Match and there was no way I could die with Vlad so happy and his child growing within me...I need to tell him that. There was no way in hell I was going back to him after I have seen parts of the world and knowing what it means to be truly loved.
It started when he found me at my thinking spot and started hitting on me but this time I fought back. He thought that was funny. After composing myself, I accepted his challenge. I was not afraid, I was furious! I wanted so much to tear him apart and hear him scream and be afriad of me like I was of him for so many years. I have never hated someone so much as I hated this man. I had to kill him! Not just for me, but all the other people he abused and harmed. I made sure he would never ever do it again with anyone. I first went for the knee which he buckled after he sent blows to my stomach and head. God I hope my child is alright. After jabbing him in the ribs and groin he went down and I pinned him as best as I could. He didn't put up much of a fight...I think he liked it...I could tell he was dazed and light headed which made him flounder and tipsy but he was laughing and making rude comments that even I would not even dare repeat. As I write this in recollection I know I snapped at that point. I felt the rage just build up and nothing would stop me from what I set out to do.
Grabbed his dagger I did, and gutted him in the side not too deep. He screamed of course, then I trailed down his stomache a deftly cut off his penis. He gagged, screaming in convulsions, then he laughed. To shut him up I fed him his own organ, then after he ate most of it, his face slowly twisted into a sick grin, he girgled once and died.

As I write this last bit, I feel wretched. I have killed someone and it brought me little comfort to know that he would not be back. The back of my mind tells me he won, he was always one step ahead of me. He would never leave me, that grin and mad laughter....will always haunt me. The cold realization that I could kill again shocked me, and it leaves me to wonder....did the beast within Delron leave with him or did it clutch onto me making me the new monster of his lagacy?

::turning a few pages from the previous entry, the reader gets a feeling of happiness from the somber mood of the last one::

Oh Book,
this has to be the happiest moment of my life! Vlad wants to get married to me! Angel is gone, left or dead I dunno which. There is so much to plan we both want to get married since we've been together for a year. It will be in for months from this date. I am now a month and two weeks with child, I finally told Delta, Pyro and Vlad. Vlad was very pleased, he shouted and picked me up and swung me around, put me down and promptly collasped. It was a sweet moment. Now I will have what I always wanted....a family.
I also met my brother Aidan felt so strange but I knew when I saw him it was no lie. After all these years I thought I had no family left, and having recently found out what I was, an Ostellian, I thought I was the only one left. My brother said he will slowly teach me the ways of our people and prepare me for my destiny. I have not a clue what he means by that but my destiny is with Vlad. He is my all.

::Strange this entry is the only one dated and it is marked July 13th 1999 Rhy'Din Year.::

Today I received a letter, a letter stating to find and lead my people, take care of my daughter, and start my dream Inn. My mind is telling me no and my body feels cold empty. This damn letter says that Vlad is dead. Dead? How can that be? We spent the morning together discussing our wedding. I sit here in the dark, the quiet in the cabin is smothering...or is that my throat tightening up, threatening to scream? This accursed letter which I want to tear up and believe as a lie, says he died here on our beach...said it was suicide or murder. I know Vlad had enemies...but suicide did I burden him?
Everything feels out of place, nothing is right. No grieving....were his last words. I will respect his wishes at least outwardly. I will speak of him proudly with no tears to others. Alone I will not cry aloud, but my soul will ever be pierced and empty without him and I have you Book to express my deep sorrow. I know I loved him too could I not when I had nothing else to love before him? All I had known was hatred, self loathing and so much pain. That has never left me...Ir. scarred my spirit and his love was my healing. Why does happiness ALWAYS abandon me? I don't understand.
I want him...his touch...his voice...his kiss. He has trapped me here, but yet given me a gift, to ensure that I'd stay, and that is our child growing within me. If it is a boy then he will be Valamas, a Girl, Selena Ixon. The Inn will be a combination of our names. It was his decision...I think I will give the name to the child as well since we will never be will SylverShyne. I must be hard to survive...I will be called just Aiyana now. No one will call me Shyne again. Aidan and I will find my people and I will do as fate degrees. Delta and I will design the Inn and I alone will raise Selena, all for him. He will love and be proud of me. No weakling but a leader and a fair one. I will try my best, failure is unacceptable and one will replace him...never. My soul cries for it, I do not want to be lonely and I need a father for our child. Please, whatever god is seeing what I write, or hearing my silent prayer, let me find this man.

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