I found out I was pregnant just before Christmas 2003. We were so excited because we had been
trying for nearly three years (I have unexplained infertility issues). It was a really different
pregnancy from my first. I got to experience the joys of morning sickness for the first
time, I got the flu at seven weeks, and I was allergic to my papaya shower gel.
From the beginning I was scared that something would happen, even though there were no signs
of anything being wrong. I used up 14 home pregnancy tests in the first month.
April 6th my friend called and asked if I wanted to go with her and her husband to the Jordan
River Temple (I am a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day-Saints). My husband
had school and I was reluctant to go without him, but I decided to go and I am so glad I did.
I was struggling that day because I had found out that I may be loosing my at-home data-entry
job. So I went to pray about what I should do, since I never want to work outside of the home.
I began to pray and I was stopped by a feeling that I can only describe as overwhelming,
all engulfing love. My prayer of asking changed immediately to a prayer of thanks -- thanks
for all my blessings including the life inside of me. On my way out of the temple I began to
think about the ultrasound the next day. I was worried that it would reveal something wrong,
but I never imagined the worst. Suddenly the thought came to me that,
"Everything is exactly as it should be." I thought that was a strange answer to my prayer.
The next morning, April 7th, we went in for a standard 20 week ultrasound. I remember on
the way into the ultrasound telling my husband that although I was telling everyone
that all I wanted was a healthy baby, I secretly was hoping for a boy. If I had only known.
We went into the ultrasound room and the technician was unusually quiet. She took a few
pictures and then excused herself. When she came back she said we needed to go right over to
my doctors office, which was on the other end of the same building. It was the longest walk of
my life. In the elevator on the way down to the doctors office it occurred to me that the ultrasound
technician had not been able to find a heartbeat. My heart sunk. We sat in the waiting room for
what seemed like an eternity. Tears streamed down my face. We were shown into the doctors office
instead of an examining room and then I knew. I sat down sobbing as the doctor told us that our baby
was dead. I couldn't believe it, we had just heard the heartbeat two weeks before and I had
felt the baby move just days earlier. Then I remembered the prompting in the temple. It was a
hard pill to swallow that this was how things were supposed to be. I cried until I was numb.
That same night I was induced and after about five hours were introduced to our Angel. It was 3:54 am
on April 8th. The doctor said that he thought it was going to be a boy, but because he was so
small, about the size of a 16 week fetus, there was no way to know for sure. So we named him
Angel. I decided later in my heart that he was a boy. The cord had twisted (I think they call
it cord strictures) and eventually it had clotted off causing him to grow slowly and eventually
to die. I was able to hold him for a few short minutes, and I will treasure that always.
I know that our Angel was sent to this earth just long enough to receive a body, but not
long enough to endure the pain and trials of earth life. I know that I was blessed to be
his mother. I know that in God's plan he is mine forever. I know that I will
be reunited with him someday.
We miss him terribly and love him always.