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She tossed and turned.
Avery knocked on Zac’s hotel room door in New York City one day when she was ten. It was a hard week. They’d had twelve interviews and a photo shoot in two days and the boys were just plain tired. Apart from the fact that Taylor had been tackled to the ground and kissed, Zac had been pushed against a door frame that day as well and he wasn’t happy.
She had gently knocked on the door. Zac hadn’t left his room all night so she was bringing him a sandwich.
“Zac? It’s me”
“I’m busy…” she heard him reply.
“Nah…you’re not Zaccy..” she replied “Don’t lie. Anyways, I brought you some food, aren’t you hungry?”
“AVERY LEAVE!” he’d yelled from inside.
He had yelled, and he had called her Avery. He never called her Avery. He called her Avie, it was his nickname for her. He'd glare at whoever else accidentally called her that.
Stubborn and annoyed, she stuck her tongue out at the door.
“Fine” she’d replied and walked off in a huff. If he didn’t want to talk to her, then she wasn’t going to force him. These kind of encounters were occurring more and more often. He was slowly shutting everything out, and would soon collapse from it all. She just didn’t understand why.
He wasn’t the Zac he had once been. She remembered that Zac, he was playful and happy. He had a twinkle in his eye, and was always smiling to himself about something he’d refuse to share. He would actually hug Taylor, he would laugh at Ike. He’d tickle baby Mackie.
This new person wasn’t the Zac she knew. This was a miserable person. A stranger.
That morning, after Avery and Zac’s encounter, Diana and Walker found their son asleep on the cold bathroom tiles with his clothes still on. He had thrown up and passed out.
Avery remembered hearing her mother cry that day. All of their interviews for the next few days were cancelled. A few days later however, the doctor dismissed Zac’s behavior as “just a stomach virus”, so the boys were soon back to promoting fourteen hours a day.
A few weeks later Avery finally got the chance to talk to her brother. Isaac and Taylor had gone out with Josh. Diana, Zoe (who was almost three), and Mackenzie were visiting some relatives that lived in the city. Jessica had gone shopping with Ashley, and Walker was in his room sleeping.
She had knocked on the hotel door and refused to stop until Zac got up and unlocked it.
She hadn’t seen him in two days, and was shocked at what she saw when the door opened. He glared at her, then slowly beckoned her to enter.
The face staring back at him wasn’t the face she knew.
She saw him and quickly drew her breath.
“Zac..” Avery had whispered “What’s wrong?”
His face was pale and long, his eyes looked dispirited and contained heavy black bags under them. His nails were bitten bad, so bad in fact that he’d made them bleed. His posture was slouched, and she realized that it was costing him a great effort not to topple over right then and there. She realized how tired and jet lagged he was; it had been growing on him slowly.
“Nothing Avie. Just go. ” he told her and walked towards his bed.
“No Zac! What’s wrong? For Christ’s sake you look miserable! It shouldn’t be this way Zaccy… why are you so sad?”
Zac looked at her and rolled his eyes, “Avie, drop it. Just leave, I’m tired okay?”
“No! Zac, you’ve always told me before and today’s no different. What’s the matter with you? Why do you look so sad?”Mbr>
Zac glared at her “Why do I look so sad? Why am so I sad?” he mocked “I shouldn’t be sad!! I have the perfect life don’t I?”
“No Zac, you don’t. Don’t treat me like I’m some idiot. I know this sucks sometimes, but you shouldn’t act like this. Some people would kill to live your life. I know it’s been worse that usual lately but…. just look at Tay and Ike. They’re taking it day by day. I don’t understand why you’re this sad. Zaccy..”
“Go away. Please, I want to sleep. I’m tired…”
“NO!!”
“Avie!” Zac yelled, “Leave me the fuck alone!”
Avery glared at Zac “I’m not leaving you alone this time, because something’s wrong. Something has been wrong. And if you don’t tell me, you won’t tell anybody, and you’ll be sad forever. At least try Zaccy. Please? Try to tell me what’s wrong……” she paused, “I care..” she said softly.
Her last two words struck him hard.
She cared.
She hadn’t given up on him, he realized. She still cared.
Zac studied her carefully
Should I tell her?
Her eyes were wide, and looked shinier and bluer than usual. Her arms were crossed, and she was pouting, but her face was gentle and loving. She was waiting for an answer, and wasn’t leaving until he gave her one.
Zac decided to give it a try. He took a deep breath, “ I can’t take this anymore Avery.”
He paused, then continued “That’s what’s wrong. This is such bullshit, all of it..
I’m living this life but I’m not feeling it.”
Those words struck her hard. She kept listening.
“I’m just so sick of it.. I hate being so busy all the time, it’s like a whirlwind of things I can’t control because they go by so fast! I’m leading this so called awesome life but I don’t even know that it’s happening.”
He looked at her uneasily, and she beckoned him to continue.
“What’s my life right now? All I’m doing is promoting a stupid CD, yet it’s all my life revolves around. Where’s my life? I’m going to die lonely, but who cares about that, ‘cause I’ll have gone platinum. Who cares? I’m not feeling anything towards anything except bitterness towards my craft.
“I used to love music, now music isn’t fun anymore. I don’t get the rush I used to get now when I run onstage in front of thousands of people. My heart doesn’t skip a beat anymore when I do a drum solo. I don’t get a sense of satisfaction when I bow after a concert. It’s gone.
“The point of life is living freely and having fun, not focusing on one project that takes out every last bit of energy inside of you. It’s supposed to be made of different amazing things you enjoy. Where are my friends? Where’s a girl my age I can talk to and be with? No one else except you guys, Josh, and Ashley. My whole life is this fucking band. We’re working our asses off to please fans, and sure they like us, but they have other things to do too. I’m using up all of my energy to be a part of someone’s fun filled life. FUNfilled life.
Fun- something we don’t have anymore. We’re living for someone who could one day decide we suck, and ditch us. Then all the hard work will have been for nothing. They’ll go on with their lives, and we’ll be destroyed. We’ll be nothing. Another example of fucked up rich little pop stars. I don’t want to be another fucked up little popstar… I want to be happy. What happens if we fail? We’ll have to make it in the real world, without everything being sickeningly sugarcoated.
“All my friends plan things without me because I’m never home now. Half of them are mad at me because I don’t call. I’ve lost them. My friends. My best friends. I’ve lost them. They’re gone.
“All the fans expect me to be some perfect being with the perfect answers to EVERYTHING. Oh, and they say they love me. Right. Avie, if they loved me they’d leave me alone. God I can practically hear them screaming downstairs! I hate getting attacked, I hate getting made fun of, I hate getting mistaken for a girl, I hate getting hugged by fatties! God they’re all so annoying! I hate them! I hate all of them! I hate all of this!”
Suddenly his face turned blank. He was once again out of it, just as fast as he’d been with it.
Avery looked at him in shock. He had never gone so deep before. He was finally communicating. This is what he needed. No one could get him to do this except for her, and she knew it.
She tried to remain calm and made a face.
“Zac, if you hate it then stop doing it. Why are you even doing this? You don’t gotta you know. You’re supposed to be having fun Zaccy. And you’re looking at the bad side of it. What about all the good stuff you gain? The respect you’ve gotten by people everywhere, the lives you’ve changed, the experiences and countries you get to see.”
Zac gave her an angry look and his face clouded over.
“You aren’t listening to what I’m trying to say..” he said through clenched teeth.
Avery wasn’t sure what he’d do next—scream, kick her out of his room and give up, or continue.
“Believe me, I am. I just don’t know what to say…I just-” she was at a lack for
words. “Please don’t be sad Zaccy..or mad..”
Zac’s face softened.
“I don’t care Avie. I hate this” he whispered
“They scare me so much. Shit, I’m fifteen and I get panic attacks when I’m near too many girls. They intimidate me. I don’t want to be hugged; I want to be home. I..”
His voice broke. He stopped for a minute and took a few deep breaths
“God-- now you’re getting me started. I just need to be alone right now Avie. I told you how I feel. You got what you came for. Now just leave…”
Avery knew that the last thing Zac needed was to be left alone. He was way too upset.
“No, go on,” she told him “What else?”
Zac looked down and stayed like that for a few moments.
She waited.
“Zac..” she urged, touching his shoulder gently. She left it there.
It was her touch that did it. It had been so long, so long since someone truly cared.
He looked up at her and his eyes were brimming with tears.
Her heart was slowly breaking.
She saw him struggle to hold his tears back. He didn’t want to cry in front of her.
“All of it. I hate it all.” he finally said softly “Tay and Ike, I don’t know how they deal with it. It’s so much stress. It’s so lonely. It’s.. I--” He stopped, and his lower lip quivered.
“No matter what happens, we’ll always be here for you Zaccy. Please..just..”
His walls completely broke, and he began to cry hard.
“This hurts so bad right now..” he whispered.
Avery looked at her brother sitting on the edge of the bed, crying like a child.
He was killing her.
Her brother’s hurting was making her ache inside too. She knew that she didn’t even feel half of what he did. It took her all she could not to cry with him.
His eyes looked old beyond his years, and he was shaking in pain. His body racked in sobs, and was clenching the sides of the bed trying to suppress the emotions he’d kept locked up inside for so long. His head was bowed down and his hair was hanging forward hiding his face. Some of it was mingled in with the tears, and strands stuck to his face.
She was speechless. No one ever saw Zac cry. Ever. Zac didn’t cry.
“Zac..”
She inched closer to him for the second time, unsure of how he’d react to her touch once again. He was so unpredictable right now.
He stared straight into Avery’s eyes and whispered “I…I just don’t know what to do. What do I do Avie? Avie what do I do?”
He buried his face in his hands.
“Avie..” he mumbled pleadingly, asking for something, -anything- to make it all go away.
“I can’t do- please do something..”
Avery didn’t have an answer, she just slowly put her arms around him. Zac responded to her touch immediately and wrapped his arms around her tiny body. He buried his face in her neck and just let it all go. He had so many unresolved problems and bottled up emotions… once he let them out he couldn’t stop.
Avery held him, and was trying not to topple over with the force of his body shaking. He was completely leaning on her, his weight on completely on her tiny frame. She was doing all she could not to fall back herself. He didn’t notice, he was completely absorbed in his pain.
Zac subconsciously realized that he had told her. He had told her. He had told somebody.
I shouldn’t have-- Why did I tell her ?I can’t believe I jus- But this is Avie.
It was okay, it was only Avie. It was safe now; he was with Avie .
He needed this, he needed it so bad. He didn’t care anymore. Avery loved him. She cared.
“I’m scared” he whispered
“It’s okay..” she replied soothingly, stroking his hair “It’s gonna be okay..”
But it wasn’t, and it wouldn’t be.
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