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Avery leaned against the door frame, trying to keep her balance. She didn’t want to remember. She couldn’t. Not now. Not yet.
But it wouldn’t go away. She put her head in her hands and tried to think of something else.
“Where did you get that?” she tried again.
“Avery” Cole pronounced. “In mommy’s closet. ”
She kept them.
Avery got up and blindly picked up her brother. She couldn’t believe her mother.
And she couldn’t stop the next thought from entering her head.
She still remembers.
A few minutes later they went up the half rotten, dirty, rat infested stairs. Walking down the hall, she tried not to step on the weak moldy boards. She carefully avoided the masses of roaches obstructing her path.
She felt bad for the roaches.
Poor things. They don’t deserve to live here. No one does.
She wished she could ship them somewhere faraway. Maybe somewhere beautiful, somewhere magical, somewhere enchanted, somewhere she could go to as well.
If only things didn’t have to be this way.
If only her brother hadn’t messed up.
If only things hadn’t changed.
If only.
She slowly put her brother in bed next to her and tried to go to bed.
The experience downstairs with her baby brother had surged forth memories that she’d been avoiding ever since they occurred. She didn’t want them to come back.
She tried not to think about it. She couldn’t. Her emotions would overpower, the pain and loneliness she’d gone through would surface, and she didn’t want that. She was already too weak; she’d break. She couldn’t help it though.
Those damn power rangers.
They’d gone through so much. She remembered how things used to be; she remembered how much they cared. She remembered the laughter, how they cracked jokes, how they shared stories, how they mocked all the girls, how they hit each other playfully, how they grinned, how they cried, and how they shared. She’d give it all to go back; anything and everything. She missed them. They don’t miss me she thought, but she missed them.
She wanted to run to them, they’d cradle her and keep her safe forever. Maybe their presence would block her memory from it all, from her abusive mother, from the death of her sister, from the confusion, from the disappearance of her father, from the filth she lived in now. She needed them. God she needed them.
Avery curled up in a little ball and closed her eyes. Her brother’s tiny chest was rising up and down, and his little hand was placed on her neck.
She wanted to forget. I can’t think about this now. I need to go to sleep.
She wasn’t sure how it all began; she was so little.
Ten.
She wished she could be ten again.
Most of what she remembered was Zac secluding himself farther and farther away from the family. He’d be smiling and hyper on camera. It was his cover up, his refugee, a place where he could be anyone but himself. Zac’s public life was the life he wished he had, the relationship he wished he held with his brothers, and the personality he wished he possessed. He’d pretend, and the outside world bought it.
However, he was far from what was portrayed. Off camera he was a mess. He’d get home and go to his room, start drawing, and ignore everyone else. Other days he’d play Playstation 2 in the tour bus for hours. His eyes would fix on the TV and nothing could take him out of his trance. The family worried about him, but doctors assured Diana and Walker that it was just a phase he was going through. They said everything would be alright. It was only stress. They swore he was fine. They promised he’d get better.
They promised.
Those were still the good days however. Despite the constant whispering Avery heard between Isaac and Taylor, despite the worried glances Diana and Walker would give their son, and despite Zac’s behavior… they were still together. They still loved each other.
Plus, she and her brother had a special relationship.
When Zac knew no one was around, he’d let Avery up into his room. Sometimes she would spend the night and he’d tell her cool stuff. He would laugh with her and talk to her. Zac saw something in Avery, something he didn’t see in any of his other brothers and sisters. Even though she was little, she was the only person he felt he could turn to. She was all he had from going insane. She wasn’t with Zac because of who he was, and she didn’t annoy him the way the other ones did. Avery had common sense. She was tiny and cute, caring, loving, and smart for her age. She was this little jewel. She made so much sense, she was his voice of reason in his world of confusion. She didn’t need to say anything when they were together. Sitting there in silence, he knew she cared, he felt content with her presence. It was a peaceful, beautiful kind of quiet. There was nothing he liked more than when she crawled into his lap and wrapped her arms around him. When she giggled and her eyes lit up. He found her happiness infectious as a grin would find itself on his face as well. Everybody loved Avery, but he loved her the most. She’d break his walls; she’d reach to him.
When Avery was born, Zac was only six. He’d taken one look at her and picked her up carefully. He kissed and kissed her and wouldn’t stop. He had looked up at his parents and said three words-- “This one’s mine”
However, Zac’s relationship with his other siblings was another story. They weren’t “best friends only bester.” Taylor and Isaac didn’t understand why Zac was isolating himself, and he wouldn’t explain. Beaten, they gave up on their little brother.
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