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Many people are interested in ways that they can predict they are about to become involved with someone who may be abusive. Below is a list of some behaviors that have been consistently linked to potentially abusive people. The last four signs are almost always seen if a person is abusive. If a person demonstrates three or more signs, there is a strong possibility for physical violence. The more signs a person demonstrates, the more likely they are to be abusive. In some cases a batterer may have only a couple of the behaviors that a person can identify, they are very exaggerated, [e.g., extreme jealousy over ridiculous things]. Initially an abusive person may try to explain their behavior as genuine concern and love, however as time goes on the behaviors become more severe and serve to dominate and control the victim.
Abusers often say, at the begining of a relationship, that their jealosy is a sign of love; jealousy has nothing to do with love! Jealousy is a sign of insecurity and possessiveness.  BEHAVIOR Abusers may show concern for your safety, advise the victim to use their time wisely and make good decisions; yet abusers will be angry if the victim is "late" getting home from an appoinment, or the store. The abuser will closely question where the victim went, and who they spoke with, how much money was spent and so on. INVOLVEMENT Many victims dated or knew their abusers for less then six months before they were engaged or living together. It may have seemed like a "whirlwind romance" or "love at first site". Abusers need someone desperately and often the victim is pressured into making a commitment. EXPECTATIONS Abusers are very dependent on the victim for all their needs, and expect the victim to be the perfect husband, wife, lover and friend. Victims are expected to take care of everything for the abuser, emotionally and in the home. Abusers try to cut victims off from all resources. Friends & family who are of support are accused of causing trouble or interfering in the relationship. Abusers may want to relocate to an area in the country, live without a phone, not allow the victim to use the car, have any money, work or go to school. If the abuser is chronically unemployed, someone is always doing them wrong, or out to get them. Abusers may make mistakes and then blame the victim for upsetting them or keeping them from concentrating on their jobs. Victims are often told they are at fault for almost everything that goes wrong in the abuser's life. Victims are often told by abusers, "you make me mad," "you're hurting me by not doing what I ask," or "I can't help being angry." Abusers make decisions about what they think and feel, but use those feelings to manipulate the victim. Often victims feel guilty, as if they can never do enough or be enough for the abuser, and desperately try to please the abuser and make then "Happy". Abusers are easily insulted, claiming they feel "hurt" when they are really mad, and take the slightest set back as a personal attack. Abusers may "rant and rave" about the injustice of things that have happened to them, things that are a part of everyday living, [e.g., getting a traffic ticket, being asked to work overtime, helping with chores or the children]. Abusers may punish pets and animals brutally or be insensitive to their pain and suffering. Abusers may expect children to be capable of doing things far beyond their ability, [e.g., whip a 2 year old for wetting their diaper, expect a 5 year old to do his/her own laundry]. Sixty percent of abusers [men] that beat their spouses also beat their children. |
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