My
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This was a huge wedding with about 300 guests. After the wedding, at the reception, the groom got up on stage at the microphone to talk to the crowd. He said that he wanted to: thank everyone for coming, many from long distances, to support them at their wedding. He especially wanted to thank the bride and groom's families for coming and to thank his new father-in-law for providing such a fabulous reception. He wanted to thank everyone for coming and bringing gifts and everything , he said he wanted to give everyone a special gift from just him. So taped to the bottom of everyone's chair was a manila envelope, including the wedding party. He said that this was his gift to everyone, and told everyone to open the envelopes. Inside each manila envelope was an 8x10 picture of his best man having sex with the bride. He had gotten suspicious of the two of them and hired a private detective to trail them weeks prior to the wedding. After he stood there and watched the people's reactions for a couple of minutes, he turned to the best man and said "F--- you," he turned to the bride and said Fuck you," and then he turned to the dumbfounded crowd and said, "I'm out of here." He had the marriage annulled first thing that Monday morning. While most of us would have broken off the engagement immediately after finding out about the affair, this guy goes through with it as if nothing was wrong. His revenge: making the bride's parents pay over $32,000 for the 300 guest wedding and reception. Letting everyone know exactly what did happen. And best of all, trashing the bride and best man's reputations in front of all of their friends, their entire families, i.e. their parents, brothers, sisters, grandparents, nieces and nephews, etc. This guy has balls the size of church bells. This is his world, we just live in it.
My Rating: O_O V_V O_O
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There is a man who has three girlfriends, but he does not know which one to marry. So he decides to give each one $5000 and see how each of them spends it. The first one goes out and gets a total makeover with the money. She gets new clothes, a new hairdo, manicure, pedicure, the works, and tells the man, "I spent the money so I could look pretty for you because I love you so much." The second one went out and bought new golf clubs, a CD player, a television, and a stereo and gives them to the man. She says, "I bought these gifts for you with the money because I love you so much." The third one takes the $5000 and invests it in the stock market, doubles her investment, returns the $5000 to the man and reinvests the rest. She says, "I am investing the rest of the money for our future because I love you so much." The man thought long and hard about how each of the women spent the money, and decided to marry the one with the biggest breasts.
My Rating: ^_^ ^_^ ^_^
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Two men were driving down the road when a sign
appeared to them advertising 'PEACHES FOR SALE, ANY WAY YOU LIKE THEM!!!!'. The
two men looked at each other completely confused. So they continued driving and
they see the same sign. 'PEACHES FOR SALE, ANY WAY YOU LIKE THEM!!!! NEXT EXIT!!
So the two men looked at each other wondering, a peach is a peach, how else
would they come? So they decided that they were going to check this place out.
When they arrived at the place that sold peaches any way you like them, they got
out of the car the place had a large shed and trees all around growing with
peaches. The men looked around for a couple of minutes and an old farmer came
out of the shed asking how he could help the two young men. Immediately one of
the men asked about the sign advertising the peaches any way you liked them. The
old farmer asked the first young man what his favorite kind of food was and he
said that he absolutely loved peanut butter and jelly sandwiches. So the farmer
goes in his shed and gives the man a peach and tells him to take a large bite
out of it. When the young man did so, he exclaimed, "WOW! This tastes just
like peanut butter!" The old man told him to turn it around and taste the
other side. "WOW!", the young man said, "This tastes just like
peach jelly!!!" The farmer looked pleased with himself and he turned to the
other young man. "So what's your favorite kind of food?" Well, this
took him quite a bit longer to decide because he was so amazed by this creation.
Then he finally looked at the farmer with a big grin and replied, "Let's
just see if you have this kind of peach in store. I would have to say pussy,
pussy is my FAVORITE kind of food!!" So the farmer smiled and went into the
shed and brought out another peach and gave it to the young man. The man took a
large bite out of the peach waiting to savor the taste and right when he did so,
he shouted in disgust, "Man!! This tastes like shit!!!!!" The farmer
smiled and looked at him and said, "Try the other side!!!".
My Rating: ^_^
^_^ ^_^ ^_^
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A couple with their young son decided to spend a day
at a nude beach. After an hour in the sun, the father went for a walk while the
son played in the water. After a while the boy came up to his mother and said,
"Mommy, I saw ladies with boobies a lot bigger than yours!" The mother
said, "The bigger they are, the dumber they are." So the boy went back
to play. Minutes later the boy returned and said, "Mommy, I saw men with
dingers a lot bigger than Daddy's." The mother said the same thing:
"The bigger they are, the dumber they are... " so the boy went back to
play. Several minutes later the boy ran back to his mother and said,
"Mommy, I just saw Daddy talking to the dumbest lady I ever saw, and the
more he talked, the dumber he got..."
My Rating: ^_^
^_^
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Good:
A policeman had a perfect spot to watch for
speeders, but wasn't nabbing any. Then, he discovered the problem - a 10 year
old boy was standing up the road with a hand painted sign which read "RADAR
TRAP AHEAD". The officer then found a young accomplice down the road in the
other direction with a sign reading "TIPS" and a bucket full of
change.
Better:
A motorist was mailed a picture of his car
speeding through an automated radar trap. A $180.00 speeding ticket was
included.
Being cute, he sent the police department a picture of $180.00. They responded
with a mailed photo of handcuffs.
Best:
A young woman was pulled over for speeding. As
the motorcycle officer walked to her car window, flipping open his ticket book,
she said "I BET YOU ARE GOING TO SELL ME A TICKET TO THE MOTORCYCLE COP'S
BALL". He replied with "MOTORCYCLE COPS DON'T HAVE BALLS". There
was a moment of silence while she smiled, and he realised what he'd just said.
He then closed his book, got back on his motorcycle and left. She was laughing
too hard to start her car for several minutes.
My Rating:
^_^ ^_^ ^_^ ^_^
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A man is in a hotel lobby. He wants to ask the clerk
a question. As he turns to go to the front desk, he accidentally bumps into a
woman beside him and as he does, his elbow goes into her breast. They are both
quite startled. The man turns to her and says, "Ma'am, if your heart is as
soft as your breast, I know you'll forgive me." She replies, "if your
penis is as hard as your elbow, I'm in room 1221."
My Rating:
^_^ ^_^
^_^ ^_^
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A lady goes for her first golf lesson. The pro
says, "You've got to hold the club like you hold your husband's
organ." She takes the club and hits the ball. He says, "Beautiful.
Perfect shot. Right down the fairway. Now, take the club out of your mouth, put
it in your hands, and we'll go for distance.
My Rating: ^_^
^_^
Beautiful One Liners....
1) Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
2) I want to die in my sleep like my grandfather...........not screaming and
yelling like the passengers in his car.
3) I took an IQ test and the results were negative.
4)He who laughs last, thinks slowest.
5) Diplomacy: The art of saying 'Nice doggie'......until you can find a brick.
6) Jesus loves you..........everyone else thinks you're an arsehole.
7) Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.
8) If you try to fail..........and succeed..........which have you done?
9)Whose cruel idea was it for the word "lisp" to have an "S"
in it?
My Rating: ^_^
^_^ ^_^ ^_^ O_O
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One day at the end of class little Chris's teacher
has the class go home and think of story and then conclude the moral of that
story. The following day the teacher asks for the first volunteer to tell their
story. Little Suzy raises her hand: "My dad owns a farm and every Sunday we
load the chicken eggs on the truck and drive into town to sell them at the
market. Well, one Sunday we hit a big bump and all the eggs flew out of the
basket and onto the road." The teacher asks for the moral of the story.
Suzy replies, "Don't keep all your eggs in one basket." Next is little
Mary ... "well my dad owns a farm too and every weekend we take the chicken
eggs and put them in the incubator. Last weekend only 8 of the 12 eggs
hatched" ... teacher asks for the moral of the story... Lucy replies
"Don't count your chickens before they're hatched" Last is little
Chris ... "My Uncle Ed fought in the Vietnam war, his lane was shot down
over enemy territory - he jumped out before it crashed with only a case of beer,
a machine gun and a machete. On the way down he drank the case of beer.
Unfortunately, he landed right in the middle of 100 Vietnamese soldiers. He shot
70 with his machine gun, but ran out of bullets, so he pulled out his machete
and killed 20 more. The blade on his machete broke, so he killed the last ten
with his bare hands." Teacher looks in shock at Chris and asks if there is
possibly any moral to his story... Chris replies, "Don't fuck with my
Uncle."
My Rating:
^_^ ^_^ ^_^
O_O
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The greatest truck driver in the world
was driving along a country lane late one night when his truck broke down. All
he could see was a faint light in the distance. So he headed towards it. He came
to an old farmhouse and knocked on the door. "Hello," he says,
"I'm the greatest truck driver in the world and my truck is broken down. I
wonder could I have a bed for the night?" "Well," says the
farmer, "there's only two rooms, myself and the wife in one, and my young
daughter in the other." "Look, I'm the greatest truck driver in the
world and all I want is a bed for the night, your daughter will be as safe as a
house," says the greatest truck driver in the world. "All right,"
says the farmer, and they all went to bed. At four in the morning, the farmer
heard the headboard next door banging against the wall. He got up and looked in,
there was the greatest truck driver in the world driving it into his daughter,
with his bare ass going up and down. He went down stairs and loaded the shotgun.
He snuck into the room and shoved the shotgun up the greatest truck driver in
the world's asshole. "All right," he says, "if you're the
greatest truck driver in the world, try and reverse out of there with a full
load."
My Rating:
^_^ ^_^
--------------------------------------------
A man comes home from a tough day of
work looking to unwind. After a relaxing dinner with his wife, they retired to
their separate beds. However the man was not yet ready to slumber. The man
called over to his wife, "My little boopey-boo, I'm lonely." So the
woman gets out of bed and crosses her room to the husband. On the way she trips
on the carpet and falls on her face. The husband with a concerned look on his
face says, "Oh, did my little honey-woney fall on her little nosey-wosey?"
The woman gets up and enters the man's bed. The two have passionate sex and
afterwards the woman rolls out. As she is returning to her bed, she once again
catches her foot on the carpet and falls flat on her face. The man looks over
his shoulder at his wife lying on the floor and says, "Clumsy bitch."
My Rating: ^_^
^_^ ^_^ ^_^
And best for last...
Perhaps
one of the most interesting and colorful words in the English
language today is the word "fuck".
It is the one magical word which,
just by its sound, can describe pain, pleasure, love, and hate.
In language, "fuck"
falls into many grammatical categories. It can be
used as a verb, both transitive (John fucked
Mary) and
intransitive
(Mary was fucked
by John). It can be an action verb (Mary fucks
like
a rabbit), a passive verb (Mary really doesn't give a
fuck),
an adverb
(Mary is fucking
interested in
John), or as a noun (Mary is a terrific
fuck).
It can also be used as an adjective (Mary is fucking
beautiful) or an
interjection
(Fuck!
I'm late for my date with Mary). It can even be used as a conjunction
(Mary is easy, fuck
she's also stupid).
As you can see,
there are very few words with
the overall versatility of the word "fuck".
Aside from its sexual connotations, this incredible word can be used to
describe many situations:
1. Fraud "I got fucked
by the car
dealer."
2. Resignation "Oh, fuck
it!"
3. Trouble "I guess I'm fucked
now."
4. Aggression "FUCK
YOU!"
5. Disgust "Fuck
me."
6. Confusion "What the fuck.......?"
7. Difficulty "I don't understand this fucking
business!"
8. Despair "Fucked
again..."
9. Pleasure "I fucking
couldn't be happier."
10. Displeasure "What the fuck
is going on here?"
11. Lost "Where the fuck
are we."
12. Disbelief "UNFUCKINGBELIEVABLE!"
13. Retaliation "Up your fucking
ass!"
14. Denial "I didn't fucking
do it."
15. Perplexity "I know fuck
all about it."
16. Apathy "Who really gives a fuck,
anyhow?"
17. Greetings "How the fuck
are ya?"
18. Suspicion "Who the fuck
are you?"
19. Panic "Let's get the fuck
out of here."
20. Directions "Fuck
off."
21. Disbelief "How the fuck
did you do that?"
It can be used in an anatomical description- "He's a fucking
asshole."
It can be used to tell time- "It's five fucking
thirty."
It can be used in business- "How did I wind up with this fucking
job?"
It can be maternal- "Motherfucker."
It can be political- "Fuck
Clinton!"
It has also been used by many notable people throughout history:
"What the fuck
was that?"
Mayor of Hiroshima
"Where did all these fucking
Indians come from?"
General Custer
"Where the fuck
is all this water coming from?"
Captain of the Titanic
"That's not a real fucking
gun."
John Lennon
"Who's gonna fucking
find out?"
Richard Nixon
"Heads are going to fucking
roll."
Anne Boleyn
"Who let the fucking
woman drive?"
Commander of Space Shuttle Challenger
"What fucking
map?"
Mark Thatcher
"Any fucking
idiot could understand that."
Albert Einstein
"It does so fucking
look like her!"
Picasso
"How the fuck
did you work that out?"
Pythagoras
"You want what on the fucking
ceiling?"
Michaelangelo
"Fuck
a duck."
Walt Disney
"Why?- Because its fucking
there!"
Edmund Hilary
"I don't suppose its gonna fucking
rain?"
Joan of Arc
"Scattered fucking
showers my ass."
Noah
"For fuck
sakes!"
Thomas Blachaller
My Rating: ^_^ ^_^ ^_^ ^_^ ^_^ ^_^ ^_^
Copyright 2002 Rayne,
LLC. All rights reserved. No portion of vAd's shit may be
duplicated, redistributed or manipulated in any form.
Only vAd
has the right to steal other people's shit and pass as his own. ^_^
