AUTHOR: X-Poet Lacy
SUMMARY: A Seussian take on season 8 of TXF. An 
altogether loving filk of one of my all-time 
favorite stories by a legendary author who will 
live always in our hearts. We miss you, Ted.
DISCLAIMER: I own neither TXF, any of its 
characters or stories, nor The Grinch. Duh.
DEDICATION: Here's to all of us who grew up 
with the magic of the good Dr. ... Seuss, that 
is. If you have any comments or glowing words of 
praise, please feel free to e-mail me at:


By X-Poet Lacy
Every fan in the wide world loved "The X--Files" a lot,
But FOX... who lived out west in L.A.... DID NOT.
FOX hated "The X-Files", more with each passing season;
Don't bother with why, it's some mystery reason.
It might be, perhaps, that their butts were too tight;
It might be their brains weren't implanted just right.
But I think that the most likely reason of all
Might have been that they thought their bank accounts were too small.
But whatever the reason(and we could speculate quite a while),
Those executives stood around hating all Philes.
Staring down from pricey offices with grumbling frowns
At the fans round the globe in each city and town
For they knew out in Fan World all Philes everywhere
Were waiting excitedly for new episodes to air.
"They're all talking about it", the executives sneered.
"The fall will be coming; Season 8's almost here!
For months now, we know, all the Phile boys and girls
Will gather on the Internet all over the world!
They'll bring out their merchandise and M&S toys,
Then...oh, no, all the debating and noise!!!"
And the more that FOX thought of this X-Files fling,
The more that FOX thought, "We must stop this whole thing!
Why, for seven long years we've endured it all now!
We must find a way to ruin "The X-Files"... but how???"
DD sued, then bailed out... and FOX got an idea.
FOX got an evil and AWFUL idea!
So they called their Dog John, and their Surfer Boy Chris,
Tied horns to their heads, stuffed bogus scripts in their fists.
And into Mercedes they slid, every one,
Then they whistled for Surfer Boy Chris and Dog John.
It was November 5th; anticipation filled the air;
Every Phile was dreaming Phile dreams without care...
When FOX slunk to the X-Files Soundstage they found there.
And FOX began barking orders to one and to all,
"Listen up, people! Things are changing this fall!"
They had Mulder abducted, made Scully PG!
They killed CSM, and chased off TLG!
Krycek got sent home, Scully gave Dog John a desk,
FOX said, "We'll have Philes 'round the world in distress!"
Then as FOX charged about, throwing their weight around,
They were stopped in their tracks by a very soft sound.
Then they turned; and there stood before them our McPhile
Young fan McPhile, who was no more than a child.
And she(he?) questioned, "FOX bosses, why??
Why are you hurting our favorite show....WHY???"
And you know, those execs were so sly and so slick,
They thought up a lie, and they thought it up quick!
"Why my dear young Phile", the executives lied,
"It is time we got back to the dark, scary side.
So we're taking Mulder's badge to our office, my dear.
We'll shine it up there, and we'll bring it back here."
And their lie fooled some fans (though not our McPhile)
And they sent the fan off and flashed a snide smile.
And when young McPhile had gone from the stage,
FOX turned right around and continued to rage.
And the one shred of hope that they left on the set
Was as puny as one shred could possibly get.
Surfer Boy Chris told the press all was well,
While behind him FOX caused it all to go to hell.
Then they sent out wild rumors, told fabulous lies,
And out on the Internet word started to fly.
Then they did the same thing to all X-Files sites,
And the arguments heard caused FOX devilish delight.
Then back to the heights of the networks' ivory tower
The executives went to watch and to glower.
"Philes are just waking up, we know just what they'll do!
Their mouths will hang open a moment or two,
Then the Philes out in Fan World will all wail 'Boo-Hoo'!
That's a noise", hissed execs, "That we've just got to hear!"
And they paused... and they all put their hands to their ears.
And they did hear a sound rising up 'round the world,
From the homes of a great many Phile boys and girls.
'Twas the sound of the off button, blacking TV lights,
As Phile after Phile tuned out Sunday nights.
Some watched and enjoyed, but many were gone...
Off doing laundry or singing a song.
Then accountants and Neilsen reps howled at their doors,
And FOX thought of something they hadn't before.
"Maybe X-Files", they thought, "Shouldn't be made a bore;
Maybe X-Files", they thought, "Deserves so much more..."
How I wish that I could write an end to this tale
That would make our hearts glad and cause us not to wail.
But the ending won't come 'til Spring 2001,
And until then, each Phile will just have to hang on.
Whether we stay and watch or wait for Mulder and go,
Until spring comes, the end we will not know.
But we must do our best not to let the FOX win;
To our anger and frustration we must not give in.
We must all remain friends, believe what we may...
And we must all hope the show will have its day.
We all belong here, all Philes and friends,
And together we'll wait to see how this tale ends.
(***I hope that you liked it, I hope you enjoyed;
And that's all for now, All you Phile girls and 

No matter what time of year it is when you read 
this... Merry Christmas.

Author: X-Poet Lacey

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