[ed. note: this is a leetle risque. So: MC Warning.]
[ed note 2: and the rhyming is terrible. but I find this amusing.]

"The Chris Who Stole Scully's Action"

Every gal down in X-Ville loved action a lot,
But the Carter who wrote them, well he just did not,
Carter HATED luvin'! The whole luvin' thang.
Now, please, don't ask me why. No one quite knows
the reason. It could be his head just had not been
screwed just right. It could be perhaps, he has mother
issues. But I think that the reason most likely of all,
may have been his heart was two sizes too small
(among other things).

But whatever the reason, his heart or issues,
he stood there over X-Ville writing along,
denying dear Scully her moves.
Now down in X-Ville everyone was quite busy,
And our Scully dear, she was feeling quite sexy.

"And she'll never get any inside of her stockings!
Mr. Morgan and Wong, for I am king!"
he snarled with a sneer. "Season six is behind us!
Finale's almost here!"
Then he growled, with his Chris fingers drumming,
"I must find some way from keep it and her from both coming!"

But there was no stopping the end, no sirrie bob.

All the X-Boys and all the X-Girls,
Woke up one day as horny as squirrels,
They woke bright and early, the noise!
Oh, the noise! They rushed for their lovers,
That's the one thing he hated, the noise!
The banging, the shifting, the moaning, the groaning,
If he couldn't get some then Scully shan't in the morning.

But Scully was tired of Carter's dry spell, his damn writing.
She'd make him write "it" as clear as a bell, tattoos blazing.
The gals down in X-Ville, even homgray Ms. Peacock,
Let out a cheer,
For Scully would save them, the great Saint was here.

...But HOW?

I know just what to do! Scully laughed in her throat.
She slipped on her best outfit -
only a boa, black garters and a large trench coat.
And she chuckled and smiled, "I'll show Carter an X-File yet!
With this boa and coat he'll fall in my net!"

"All I need is a weapon, so he'll give me a life"
Mulder'd lost her gun, "I know! A really big knife!"
A cleaver she grabbed, that was steady and true,
If he didn't give in she'd know what to do.

So she left Carter's X-Ville,
She gave him the slip,
Found his house - Beverly's Hill,
A cheap suburb off-rip.

And she found him in there with his sufer boy mansion,
And surf boards, and sex wax, his curlers contraptions,
His bamboozle-dee scripter for Teso and Schizo,
His empty shelves for his one award statue.

And she pitied the Chris who had stolen her fun,
"Oh, well, too late now, time to show him who's won."
Scully turned around fast, saw aforementioned Chris,
"Why look," he said, "It's my number one Miss."

Scully was now faced with this Carter,
Now we would see who really was smarter.
She pulled off her trench and was left with the boa,
But Carter just gasped, "Put on your clothes you rank ho-a!"
(ok, weak. It's the altitude.)

"Ok, that's it, I can't show you the way,
So now," Scully sighed, "You'll have to pay."
And she pulled out her knife,
and she flipped off his wig,
The balding Chris Carter,
Stood still as a twig.

But then something happened, he stared at Dana at the door,
"Maybe," he thought, " Having sex doesn't make you a hoar.
Making love.. Just perhaps..means a little bit more!"

And what happened then..? Well, in X-Ville they say,
That sight of Scully made his head unswell three sizes that day!
And the minute his head wasn't so big,
he whizzed out some love scenes that everyone could dig,
For Mulder, and Krycek, the Gunmen - though 'Hikey made him faint.

...And Scully,
Picked just the right guy,
Twas a miracle.

No, I'm not saying who the right guy is.
And remember, I warned it was MC. So...um, sorry.

Author: Minor Shannon

| Back to Filks |