RATING: G

SPOILERS:
Several episodes mentioned, up to and including "Leonard Betts".

DISCLAIMERS:
"Modern Major General" belongs to Gilbert and Sullivan.
"Close Encounters of the Third Kind" belongs to Spielberg.
Scully, Mulder, and The X-Files belong to Chris Carter.

DISTRIBUTION:
Anywhere, as long as this document is intact and my name is on it.

SPECIAL FBI AGENT

MULDER:
I am the very model of a Special FBI Agent
I've information paranormal, mythical, and alien!
I know where UFOs crash and I quote the sites historical -
from Arecibo to Roswell in order categorical

MULDER:
I'm very well acquainted too with matters most un-natural.
I understand mutations, both the simple and unusual
About liver-eating mutants I am teeming with a lot of news!
With many cheerful facts about the Gregor clone in Syracuse

SCULLY:
I'm very good at finding explanations for nocturnal lights
I know the scientific names of viruses and parasites
In short in matters paranormal, mythical, and alien!
I am the very model of a Special FBI Agent

SCULLY:
I know about astrology, and what was in that Martian rock
I even wrote a paper all about Einstein's Twin Paradox.
I quote - with trepidation - from those X-Files that are dangerous
With science I can floor peculiarities incredulous

MULDER:
I can tell undoubted UFOs from Venus and toys tied on string
I know the Cancerman's policy is to deny everything
Then I can recall facts and figures as the truth I try to find
And whistle that five note tune from "Close Encounters of the Third Kind"

SCULLY:
Then I can write reports which will debunk outrageous theories.
And give you every detail of deadly bugs which live inside trees.
In short in matters paranormal, mythical, and alien!
I am the very model of a Special FBI Agent

MULDER:
In fact, when I know what is meant by recombinant DNA
When I can tell at sight a "bounty hunter" from a hybrid grey
When evidence of abductions and alien implants I get
When I know precisely what is meant when they say 'the date is set'

MULDER:
When I have learnt what progress has been made in military jets
When I know more of men in black than I do about Leonard Betts
in short when I've found out why Samantha was taken from me for
you'll say there's never been a better FBI Agent before

MULDER:
For my conspiracy knowledge, though I'm paranoid and so spooky
has only been brought down to me by the Lone Gunmen - they're kooky
But still in matters paranormal, mythical, and alien!
I am the very model of a Special FBI Agent

Chris Hadgis, May 1997

Author: Chris Hadgis

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