[ed. note:  I suppose if Jerry Springer did a talk
show in the 1600s, and Mulder and Scully were alive then,
this would be the result.  Or, I suppose that if Serin
sits around smoking the good crack, this would be the
result.  Go Serin!]

CIII. JERRY SPRINGER:  

Alack, what poverty my Show brings forth, 
That having such a scope to show no pride, 
My hapless guest all bare is of more worth 
Than when he hath his dignity beside! 
O, blame me not, if here thou doest not all see, 
Look in Blockbuster's, and there appears to rent 
That which over-goes the FCC,
If strategic edits are what thou doest resent. 
Wilst thou welcome, then, to my Show CGB, 
Who hath invited Fox and Dana here as well? 
For to no other pass shall he make free 
Than of his sexy secret now to tell;   
And more, much more, than in my Show can sit   
What is too hot for TV shall not be transmit. 

AUDIENCE APPLAUDS:

XXXVII.  CSM: 

As thine decrepit father took delight 
To see his active child pursue the truth, 
So I, made lame by fortune's dearest spite, 
Took little comfort of mine own spuddish youth. 
But whether beauty, truth, or wealth, or wit, 
Or any of these all, ad infinitum, 
Entitled in thy parts do crowned sit,
I make love to thine ex and to thine mom: 
On water-skis I am not lame, poor, nor despised, 
Whilst Fowley's underwire doth such substance give 
That I in such abundance am sufficed 
And by association in thy glory live.   
Look, what is best, that best would be Scully:   
This wish I have; then ten times happy me! 

AUDIENCE OOHS AND AHHS

XVIII. FOWLEY: 

Shall I compare thee to yon feckless Fox? 
Thou art all that and a bag of chips beside: 
Do strip and shake thy darling moneybox, 
That all eyes may feast upon thy crinkly hide: 
Sometime young Jeffery is too prone to whine, 
And too often are his addled wits yet dim; 
Indeed Krycek was looking mighty fine, 
Hadst I not more fun with his prosthetic arm than him;
But thy eternal haze shall never fade 
Nor lose the sweet perfume of one well Morley'd; 
Nor shall the Elders brag thou wander'st in their
shade, 
When they are now and forever fricassee'd:   
So long as unearthly invasion shall forestay,   
So shall thou be mine own 'Rico Suave. 

CSM STRIPS AND BUMPS AND GRINDS.  AUDIENCE CHEERS

LXXVI. MULDER: 

Why is this news so barren of new import, 
So far from variation or quick change? 
Why am I not bereft by this report of his treachery or
of thy couplings strange? 
Was I not driven mad, yea, madder I became, 
When thou didst show me thine brassiere through
stealth, 
And did I not with every breath yell Scully's name, 
As thou pressed thyself upon my rune-afflicted health?

O, know, foul hoochie, to wear thy lingerie I did once
construe, 
And saw his wretched smokes in thy apartment; 
So thou and he are but dressing old as new, 
Spending again what is already spent:   
Thus as I am well rid of such a zero,   
So have I got myself a saintly hero. 

AUDIENCE CHEERS

IV. SCULLY: 

Unthrifty loveliness, why dost thou spend 
Upon thy porn thy beauty's legacy? 
Nature's bequest gives nothing but doth lend, 
And shall pass as swiftly thine own sanity. 
Then, beauteous niggard, why dost thou abuse 
The bounteous largess given thee to give? 
Profitless usurer, why dost thou use 
So great a sum of sums, yet canst not live? 
For having traffic with thyself alone, 
Thou of thyself thy sweet self dost deceive. 
Then how, when artifacts madden with their drone, 
What acceptable audit canst thou leave?   
Thy unused beauty is committed with thee,   
Thus, must get I mine own with Frohike.

AUDIENCE GASPS

III. FOWLEY:

Look in thy glass, and tell the face thou viewest 
Now is the time that face should form another; 
O! But I forget thou cannot thyself renewest, 
Thou dost beguile the world, but shall not be amother.

For what is she so fair whose plunder'd womb 
Disdains the tillage of alien husbandry? 
Or who is he so fond will be the tomb 
Of his self-love, to stop posterity? 
Mulder, thou art thy father's glass, and he in thee 
Called back the intrigues of another time: 
So thou through windows of my child shall see 
Despite of wrinkles this thy studly prime.   
For though thou were well-drugged, I did conceive,   
Kick to the curb she who does not believe. 

AUDIENCE BOOS

XIV. SCULLY: 

Not from the stars do I my judgment pluck; 
And yet methinks I have astronomy, 
But not to tell of good or evil luck, 
To foretell deaths, yet less deaths to decree; 
Nor can I the thoughts of those around me tell, 
Control by whim the thunder, rain and wind, 
Or say with Mulder if it shall go well, 
By oft predict that I in heaven find: 
But from science my knowledge I derive, 
And, constant star, in such I read such art 
As truth and beauty shall together thrive, 
Thus to mine hand should thou thy thoughts impart,    
Or else of thee this I prognosticate:    
My chair shall find its home upon thy pate. 

AUDIENCE CHANTS JERRY! JERRY! JERRY!

XXXVIII. JERRY SPRINGER: 

How can my Show want subject to invent, 
While thou dost breathe, that pour'st into thy verse 
Thine own dysfunction, too excellent 
For every vulgar paper to rehearse? 
I give myself the thanks, if aught in thee 
Entertainment stand against thy sight; 
For who's so dumb that cannot exploit thee, 
When thou thyself dost give thine own shame light? 
Be thou the tenth Muse, ten times more in worth 
Than those old nine which rhymers invocate; 
And he that calls on thee, let him bring forth 
Eternal ratings to outlive long date.   
 If my slight Show do please these curious days,   
The pain be thine, but mine shall be the praise.

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