The scientific theory I like best is that the rings of Saturn are composed entirely of lost airline luggage. (Mark Russell)
Inanimate objects are classified scientifically into three categories-- those that don't work, those that break down, and those that get lost. (Russell Baker)
An expert is a person who has made all the mistakes that can be made in a very narrow field. (Niels Bohr)
Reality is that which, when you stop believing in it doesn't go away. (Philip K. Dick)
"Sanity is relative. For some of us, it's just a distant cousin." -B.J. Zanzibar
Mad, adj. Affected with a high degree of intellectual independence; not conforming to standards of thought, speech and action derived by the conformants from study of themselves; at odds with the majority; in short, unusual. It is noteworthy that persons are pronounced mad by officials destitute of evidence that themselves are sane. For illustration, this present (and illustrious) lexicographer is no firmer in the faith of his own sanity than is any inmate of any madhouse in the land; yet for aught he knows to the contrary, instead of the lofty occupation that seems to him to be engaging his powers he may really be beating his hands against the window bars of an asylum and declaring himself Noah Webster, to the innocent delight of many thoughtless spectators. -Ambrose Bierce
"When no one else listens, talk to walls."
"It's good to know that if I behave strangely enough, society will take full responsibility for me." -Ashleigh Brilliant
"I suppose it is much more comfortable to be mad and not know it than to be sane and have one's doubts." --G.B. Burgin
Hope is the denial of reality.
When we talk to God, we're praying. When God talks to us, we're schizophrenic. -Lily Tomlin
"As I was walking up the stair,
I met a man who wasn't there.
He wasn't there again today.
I wish, I wish he'd go away."
-Hugh Mearns
"Of course I'm sane! The voices told me so." -Michael DeRosa
If it is green or it wiggles, it is biology. If it stinks, it is chemistry. If it doesn't work, it is physics.
All inanimate objects move just enough to get in your way.
Angular momentum makes the world go around.
Give me a lever long enough and a place to stand and I will break the lever.
All that glitters has a high refractive index.
Smile..It makes the world wonder what you're up to.
The computer is mightier than the pen, the sword and possibly the programmer
If at first you don't succeed, redefine success
Abandon the search for Truth; settle for a good fantasy.
Any small object when dropped will hide under a larger object.
Don't force it, get a larger hammer.
I don't know. I don't care. And it doesn't make any difference.
I'm not cynical. Just experienced.
You have a right to your opinions. I just don't want to hear them.
SATANIC (n): Anything a fundamentalist Christian doesn't like
Tourists are terrorists with cameras. Terrorists are tourists with guns.
I don't have an reality problem. You have a perception problem
Si hoc legere scis nimium eruditionis habes. (Translation: If you can read this you're overeducated.) -Xandriel
"What makes life worth living? To be born with the gift of laughter and sense that the world is mad." --Searamouche
If at first you do succeed, try to hide your surprise.
Gravity is a myth, the Earth sucks.
Life is like an analogy.
Albert Einstein said the faster you go the heavier you get and the longer you live. This applies to everything except racing drivers.
Blondes have more fun because they're easier to see in the dark.
A gossip is one who talks to you about others; A bore is one who talks to you about himself, And a brilliant conversationalist is one who talks to you about yourself. (Lisa Kirk)
It's so easy to have a fatal accident and ruin your life
Mass murderers are simply people who have had enough. (Quentin Crisp)
When confronted by two evils, a man will always choose the prettier.
You can get much further with a gun and a kind word than you can with a kind word alone.
Needs are a function of what other people have.
Books only teach people to talk about something they don't understand.
People will believe anything if you whisper it.
Test for Paranoia: If you can't think of anything that's your fault you've got it. (Robert Hutchins)
The race is not always to the swift, nor the battle to the strong, but that's the way to bet.
The man of action is always unscrupulous; it is only the observer who has conscience. (Goethe)
Skiing combines outdoor fun with knocking down trees with your face.
If your enemy wrongs you, buy each of his children a drum. (Chinese Proverb)
The best time to run is BEFORE you're dead.
Why worry about tomorrow when today is so far off
Early to bed, early to rise, makes a man knackered, grouchy and generally no fun to be with.
There is no other name for Thesaurus.
Never put off till tomorrow what you can forget forever today.
People in glass houses should sack their architect.
The large print giveth and the small print taketh away.
A cat may look at a king but I'll lay odds that is doesn't understand even the basic principals of monarchy.
You can stop almost anything from functioning by hitting it with a large rock. (Bell's third law)
If you take a sideways look at lateral thinking it's just like real life.
The truth is just an excuse for a lack of imagination.
Mad: Affected with a high degree of intellectual independence
Proximity isn't everything, but it comes close
Any philosophy that can fit in a nutshell belongs there.
Those of you who think you know everything are annoying to those of us who do.
Indecision is the key to flexibility.
There is absolutely no substitute for a genuine lack of preparation.
Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.
The facts, although interesting, are irrelevant.
Someone who thinks logically is a nice contrast to the real world.
Things are more like they are today than they have ever been before.
I have seen the truth and it makes no sense.
All things being equal, fat people use more soap.
If you can smile when things go wrong, you have someone in mind to blame.
One-seventh of your life is spent on Monday.
Not one shred of evidence supports the notion that life is serious.
The more you run over a dead cat, the flatter it gets.
There is always one more imbecile than you counted on.
The trouble with life is, you're half way through it before you realise it's a "do it yourself" thing.
Never argue with an idiot. They drag you down to their level then beat you with experience.
If you cannot convince them, confuse them. (Harry S Truman)
And thus I find that I have a good reason to believe in the existence of other people as I have to believe in the existence of material things. (Ayer)
Friends are God's apology for relations. (Hugh Kingsmill)
You couldn't get a clue during the clue mating season in a field full of horny clues if you smeared your body with clue musk and did the clue mating dance. (Edward Flaherty)
You can pay attention to the fact, in which case you'll probably become a mathematician, or you can ignore it, in which case you'll probably become a physicist. (Len Evans, professor, Northwestern University)
What if nothing exists and we're all in somebody's dream? Or what's worse, what if only that fat guy in the third row exists? (Woody Allen)
If you can't answer a man's argument, all is not lost; you can still call him vile names. (Elbert Hubbard)
To escape criticism -- do nothing, say nothing, be nothing. (Elbert Hubbard)
Free will is an illusion. We are all slaves to heredity and our upbringing and environment. Hence the opinions expressed here are not my own. Please feel free to flame my parents and friends.
Warning: dates on the calendar are closer than they appear
You're just jealous `cause the voices don't talk to you
Change is inevitable...except from a vending machine
Laugh alone and the world thinks you're an idiot
Puritanism: the haunting fear that someone, somewhere, may be happy
Some people are alive only because it is illegal to kill
When angry, count to four. When very angry, swear. -Mark Twain
"See the happy moron.
He doesn't give a damn.
I wish I were a moron.
My God! Perhaps I am!"
- anonymous
"If you ever fall off the Sears Tower just go real limp, because maybe you'll look like a dummy and people will try to catch you because hey, free dummy." - Deep Thoughts
You can only be young once, but you can be immature forever. Unknown
I like work; it fascinates me. I can sit and look at it for hours. Jerome
"Why is it that if someone tells you that there are 1 billion stars in the universe you will believe them, but if they tell you a wall has wet paint you will have to touch it to be sure ?"
"Nothing is faster than the speed of light. To prove this to yourself, try opening the refrigerator door before the light comes on."
"...when all else fails, duck. It's not practical, but it can be momentarily comforting." -- UNIT Procedures Manual, Zen Division.
"Entropy, the second law of thermodynamics. The more you keep putting things together, the more they keep falling apart, and I never heard a truer word said." -- Doctor Who
"Guinan is Yoda on stilts. Yoda is Kermit on drugs."
Now here's what I'd like to see: a battle between the red-shirted lackeys from ST:TOS and the Stormtroopers from Star Wars. By law the red shirts must die, but, by law the Stormtroopers can't hit the broadside of a barn... It would be a long, boring, drawn out battle ending in a stalemate. Chris Seamans
"Blessed are the poor in spirit? Well, then, blessed are the Trekkies, too. Theirs is the Kingdom of Heaven." -- The Dreams our Stuff is Made Of by Thomas M. Disch
Member in Good Standing of The Society to Turn Wesley Crusher Into a Small Styrofoam Dodecahedron
"Don't bother me, I'm busy conserving energy, momentum, and angular momentum."
"Quantum Mechanics: The dreams stuff is made of." - Stephen Wright.
"Alcohol and calculus don't mix. Never drink and derive."
"I feel like a fugitive from the law of averages." - William H. Mauldin.
"When a body is immersed in water - the telephone rings." - Archimedes' Other Law.
"Things get worse under pressure." - Murphy's Law of Thermodynamics.
"Any inanimate object, regardless of its composition or configuration, may be expected to perform at any time in a totally unexpected manner for reasons that are either totally obscure or completely mysterious." - Dr. Fyodor Flap.
"Neurotics build dream castles, psychotics live in them and psychiatrists collect the rent."
Conclusion /nm./: the place where you got tired of thinking.
Paranoia is simply an optimistic outlook on life.
A professor is one who talks in someone else's sleep. Auden, W. H.
We Americans live in a nation where the medical-care system is second to none in the world, unless you count maybe 25 or 30 little scuzzball countries like Scotland that we could vaporize in seconds if we felt like it. Barry, Dave (*)
"Tragedy is when I cut my finger. Comedy is when you fall into an open sewer and die." -Mel Brooks
"Reality is the leading cause of stress for those in touch with it." - Jack Wagner
"Going to church does not make a person religious, nor does going to school make a person educated, any more than going to a garage makes a person a car." -Author Unknown-
"Cocaine is God's way of telling you that you have too much money."-Author Unknown-
"Everybody wants to go to Heaven but no one wants to die." -Author Unknown
"The Internet is so big, so powerful and pointless that for some people it is a complete subsitute for life." -Andrew Brown
This life is a test.
It is only a test.
Had it been an actual life
You would have recieved
Further instructions on
Where to go and what to do!
--Found on a bulletin board
"Admiration: Our polite recognition of another's resemblance to ourselves." -Ambrose Bierce
Give a man a fish, and you'll feed him for a day. Give him a religion, and he'll starve to death while praying for a fish. -Timothy Jones
Pain is a part of the growing experience... so go slam your head into the wall and mature a little. --Unknown
It is better to keep your mouth shut and appear stupid than to open it and remove all doubt. --Mark Twain
Eat right, exercise regularly, die anyway. ~Unknown
Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing. ~Redd Foxx
A synonym is a word you use when you can't spell the word you first thought of. ~Burt Bacharach
Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark. ~Unknown
Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you are a mile away from them and you have their shoes. ~Saturday Night Live, Jack Handey, "Deep Thoughts"
Man was predestined to have free will. ~Hal Lee Luyah
The only problem
with Haiku is that you just
get started and then
~Unknown
The probability of someone watching you is proportional to the stupidity of your action. ~Unknown
There is no mechanical problem so difficult that it cannot be solved by brute strength and ignorance. ~William's Law
Order is for idiots, genius can handle chaos
A nuclear war can ruin your whole day.
Lord, grant me the serenity to accept the things I can not change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to hide the bodies of those I had to kill because they pissed me off.
SUSHI: Known to the rest of the world as 'Bait'
I'd insult you, but you're not bright enough to notice.
"Nobody's perfect. Well, there was this guy -- but we killed him."
PHILOSOPHY: A study that lets us be unhappy more intelligently
SLEEP: That fleeting moment just before the alarm goes off.
Keep Sweden tidy, shoot a tourist
All extremists should be taken out and shot.
Obviously the only rational solution to your problem is suicide
I'd explain it to you, but your brain would explode
"This calls for a particularly subtle blend of psychology and extereme violence." Vivian, "The Young Ones"
It is generally agreed that "Hello" is an appropriate greeting because if you entered a room and said "Goodbye," it could confuse a lot of people. Dolph Sharp
Life may have no meaning. Or even worse, it may have a meaning of which I disapprove. - Ashleigh Brilliant
Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?
There is a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot. - Steven Wright
I am sick unto death of obscure English towns that exist seemingly for the sole accommodation of these so-called limerick writers -- and even sicker of their residents, all of whom suffer from physical deformities and spend their time dismembering relatives at fancy dress balls. Editor of the Limerick Times (Limerick, Ireland)
When cryptography is outlawed, bayl bhgynjf jvyy unir cevinpl. ("When cryptography is outlawed only outlaws will have cryptography")
Death and Famine and War and Pollution continued biking towards Tadfield. And Grievous Bodily Harm, Cruelty To Animals, Things Not Working Properly Even After You've Given Them A Good Thumping but secretly No Alcohol Lager, and Really Cool People travelled with them. The eight Bikers of the Apocalypse Terry Pratchett & Neil Gaiman, Good Omens
"Natives who beat drums to drive off evil spirits are objects of scorn to smart Americans who blow horns to break up traffic jams." -Mary Ellen Kelly
If there's nothing wrong with me, there must be something wrong with the Universe..." ~Crusher,
"Adults are just obsolete children and the hell with them." ~Dr Seuss
"Always read stuff that will make you look good if you die in the middle of it."
Opera is when a guy gets stabbed in the back and, instead of bleeding, he sings. ~Ed Gardner
"Cricket is a game which the British, not being a spiritual people, had to invent in order to have some concept of eternity." -- Lord Mancroft
Deep Thought
"The wise man can pick up a grain of sand and envision a whole universe. But the stupid man will just lie down on some seaweed and roll around until he's completely draped in it. Then he'll stand up and go, 'Hey, I'm Vine Man.'"
"Is there anything more beautiful than a beautiful, beautiful flamingo, flying across in front of a beautiful sunset? And he's carrying a beautiful rose in his beak, and also he's carrying a very beautiful painting with his feet. And also, you're drunk."
"If life deals you lemons, why not go kill someone with the lemons (maybe by shoving them down his throat)."
Tell a man there are 300 Billion stars in the universe and he'll believe you. Tell him a bench has wet paint on it and he'll have to touch to be sure. ~Unknown
Kids Words of Wisdom
It's more fun to color outside the lines.
If you're gonna draw on the wall, do it behind the couch.
Even Popeye didn't eat his spinach until he absolutely had to.
If your dog doesn't like someone you probably shouldn't either.
Even if you've been fishing for 3 hours and haven't gotten anything except poison ivy and sunburn, you're still better off than the worm.
Sometimes you have to take the test before you've finished studying.
If you want a kitten, start out asking for a horse.
There is no good reason why clothes have to match.
If the horse you're drawing looks more like a dog, make it a dog.
Save a place in lines for your friends.
Just keep banging until someone opens the door.
Making your bed is a waste of time.
Make up the rules as you go along.
It doesn't matter who started it.
Ask for sprinkles.
Hang on tight
Ask "why" until you understand.
"One of the advantages of being disorderly is that one is constantly making new discoveries." -A. A. Milne
"Frisbeetarian: One who believes that when you die, your soul goes up on the roof and gets stuck."
"Life is something to do when you can't get to sleep."
"If a man speaks in the forest, and there's no woman around to hear him... Is he still wrong?"
"Philosophy is a game with objectives and no rules. Mathematics is a game with rules and no objectives."
"In India, 'cold weather' is merely a conventional phrase and has come into use through the necessity of having some way to distinguish between weather which will melt a brass door-knob and weather which will only make it mushy." -Mark Twain
"If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you."
"In the beginning there was nothing, and God said, 'Let there be light.' And there was still nothing, but you could see it."
"I have an existential map. It has "You Are Here" written all over it." -- Stephen Wright
"If you look like your passport photo, you're too ill to travel." -- Will Komen
"I can please only one person per day. Today is not your day. Tomorrow isn't looking good either."
"Nobody realizes that some people expend tremendous energy merely to be normal."
"Growing older is mandatory, growing up is optional." -- Rich Yarnot
"The world is divided into two kinds of people: those who have tattoos, and those who are afraid of people with tattoos."
"When all else fails, read the instructions."
Road safety notice outside school: "Drive carefully. Don't kill a child. - Wait for teacher."
"A day without sunshine is, like, night."
Insanity is relative. It depends on who has who locked in what cage." Ray Bradbury
Insanity - a perfectly rational adjustment to an insane world. R. D. Lang
"No entry except for access." --sign in Victoria Street, London
Ross: I've been given the gift of time! Chandler: Well, that's funny, because last Christmas I got the gift of space. We should get them together and make a continuum. --"Friends"
All of us are born with a set of instinctive fears–of falling, of the dark, of lobsters, of falling on lobsters in the dark or speaking before a Rotary Club & of the words “Some Assembly Required.” — Dave Barry
"More than any other time in history, mankind faces a crossroads. One path leads to despair and utter hopelessness. The other, to total extinction. Let us pray we have the wisdom to choose correctly." - Woody Allen
"I'd call him a sadistic, hippophilic necrophile, but that would be beating a dead horse." - Woody Allen
"Karate is a form of marital arts in which people who have had years and years of training can, using only their hands and feet, make some of the worst movies in the history of the world." - Dave Barry
"Life is anything that dies when you stomp on it." Dave Barry
I considered atheism but there weren't enough holidays.
I always wanted to be a procrastinator, never got around to it.
Blessed are the young, for they shall inherit the national debt (Herbert Hoover)
Tell your boss what you really think about him and the truth shall set you free. (Patrick Murrey)
I could have done the job myself in twenty minutes, but as things turned out I had to spend two days to find out why it had taken someone else three weeks to do it wrong. (J. L. McCaffrey)
What’s the use of happiness? It can’t buy you money. (Henny Youngman)
Happiness is getting a bill you’ve already paid, so you can sit down and write a really nasty letter. (Peter Nero)
Those proud of keeping an orderly desk never know the thrill of finding something they thought they had irretrievably lost. (Helen Exley)
I started out with nothing. I still have most of it. (Michael Davis)
A good rule of thumb is if you’ve made it to thirty-five and your job still requires you to wear a name-tag, you’ve probably made a serious vocational error. (Dennis Miller)
I feel sorry for people who don’t drink. They wake up in the morning and that’s the best they are going to feel all day. (Dean Martin)
You’re not drunk if you can lie on the floor without hanging on. (Dean Martin)
Reality is an illusion causing by a lack of alcohol. (N.F. Simpson)
Your superego is that part of you which is soluble in alcohol. (Thomas L. Martin)
I will not eat oysters. I want my food dead. Not sick, not wounded, dead. (Woody Allen)
After a year in therapy, my psychiatrist said to me, ‘Maybe life isn’t for everyone.’ (Larry Brown)
The dawn is a term for the early morning used by poets and other people who don’t have to get up. (Oliver Herford)
I always read the last page of a book first so that if I die before I finish I’ll know how it turned out. (Nora Ephron)
Writing is easy. All you have to do is to stare at a blank piece of paper until drops of blood form on your forehead. (Gene Fowler)
I love children. Especially when they cry – for then someone takes them away. (Nancy Mitford)
Another good thing about being poor is that when you are seventy your children will not have you declared legally insane in order to gain control of your estate. (Woody Allen)
In general my children refuse to eat anything that hasn’t danced on television. (Erma Bombeck)
There are only two things that a child will share willingly – communicable diseases and its mother’s age. (Benjamin Spock)
No man who has ever wrestled with a self-adjusting card table can ever be quite the man he once was. (James Thurber)
I don’t feel old – I don’t feel anything until noon. Then it’s time for my nap. (Bob Hope)
Tell your nice mummies and daddies to buy this book for you and hit them until they do. (Spike Milligan)
Remember, blood is not only thicker than water, it’s much more difficult to get ff the carpet. (Phyllis Diller)
Never raise your hand to your kids. It leaves your groin unprotected. (Red Buttons)
Men are superior to women. For one thing, men can urinate from a speeding car. (Will Durst)
Women should have labels on their foreheads saying ‘Government Health Warning: women can serious damage your brains, genitals, current account, confidence, razor blades, and good standing among your friends’. (Jeffrey Bernard)
Some are born great, some achieve greatness, and some hire public relations officers. (Daniel J. Boorstin)
Jogging is for people who aren’t intelligent enough to watch Breakfast Television. (Victoria Wood)
Ordinarily he was insane, but he had lucid moments when he was merely stupid. (Heinrich Heine)
I refuse to endure months of expensive humiliation from a psychoanalyst only to be told that at the age of four I was in love with my rocking-horse. (Noel Coward)
We are all born mad. Some remain so. (Samuel Beckett)
A grave is a place where the dead are laid to await the coming of the medical student. (Ambrose Bierce)
A violin is the revenge exacted by the intestines of a dead cat. (Ambrose Bierce)
Classical music is the kind you keep thinking will turn into a tune. (Kin Hubbard)
A highbrow is anyone who can listen to the William Tell Overture and not think of The Lone Ranger. (Jack Perlis)
The English winter – ending in July, to recommence in August. (George Gordon)
The devil will not come to Cornwall, for fear of being put into a pie. (Clement Freud)
An ambassador is a person who, having failed to secure an office from the people, is given one by the Administration on condition that he leave the country. (Ambrose Bierce)
The men who really believe in themselves are all in lunatic asylums. (G.K. Chesterton)
Philosophy is unintelligible answers to insoluble problems. (Henry B. Adams)
I have tried in my time to be a philosopher, but cheerfulness always kept breaking in. (Oliver Edward)
Maybe this world is another planet’s hell. (Aldous Huxley)
A church is a place in which clergymen who have never been to heaven preach about in to people who will never get there. (H.L. Mencken)
All are lunatics, but he who can analyse his delusions is called a philosopher. (Ambrose Bierce)
The speed at which boiling milk rises from the bottom of the pan to any point beyond the top is greater than the speed at which the human brain and hand can combine to snatch the confounded thing off. (H.F. Ellis)
If there had been a computer in 1872 it would have predicted that by now there would be so many horse-drawn vehicles that the entire surface of the earth would be ten feet deep in horse manure. (Karl Kapp)
Anyone who says he’s been eaten by a wolf is a liar. (J.B. Theberge)
I told the traffic warden to go forth and multiply, though not exactly in those words. (Woody Allen)
I once sent a dozen of my friends a telegram saying FLEE AT ONCE – ALL IS DISCOVERED. They are left town immediately. (Mark Twain)
I do not have to forgive my enemies – I have had them all shot. (Ramon Narvaez)
I always pass on good advice – it’s the only thing one can do with it. (Oscar Wilde)
I live in terror of not being misunderstood. (Oscar Wilde)
If you can keep your head when all about you are losing theirs, it is possible you haven’t grasped the gravity of the situation. (Jean Kerr)
Blessed is he who expects no gratitude, for e shall not be disappointed. (W.C. Bennett)
I wish I loved the human race;
I wish I loved its silly face;
I wish I liked the way it walks;
I wish I loved the way it talks;
And when I’m introduced to one
I wish I thought, What jolly fun.
(Walter Raleigh)
It’s going to be fun to watch and see how long the meek can keep the earth after they inherit it. (Kin Hubbard)
Go jogging? What, and get hit by a meteor? (Robert Benchley)
The rules of soccer are basically simple – if it moves, kick it; if it doesn’t move, kick it until is does. (Phil Woosnam)
Football combines the worst features of American life – frantic violence punctuated by committee meetings. (George Will)
Never catch a loose horse. You could end up all day holding the f****** thing. (Lester Piggott)
With good practice at high level diving you can avoid killing yourself. (Elizabeth MacKay)
A filling cabinet is a place where you can lose things systematically. (T.H. Thompson)
No problem is insoluble, given a big enough plastic bag. (Tom Stoppard)
If it’s not one thing, it’s two. (James Ledford)
The pen mightier than the sword – and considerably easier to write with. (Marty Feldman)
There is no more agreeable spectacle than to observe an old friend fall from a roof-top. (Confucius)
A collision is what happens when two motorists go after the same pedestrian. (Bob Newhart)
Modesty: - The gentle art of enhancing your charm by pretending not to be aware of it.
What this country needs is a good five-dollar plasma weapon.
On the other hand, you have different fingers....
If one synchronised swimmer drowns, do the rest have to drown too?
If you ate pasta and antipasta, would you still be hungry?
A professor who had taught for many years was counselling a young teacher.
"You will discover," he said, "that in nearly every class, there will be a youngster eager to argue. Your first impulse will be to silence him, but I advise you to think carefully before doing as. He is very probably the only one listening.
If A = B and B = C, then A = C, except where void or prohibited by the law
Plasma is another matter.
A stitch in time would have confused Einstein.
Three Laws of Thermodynamics (paraphrased): First Law: You can't get anything without working for it. Second Law: The most you can accomplish by work is to break even. Third Law: You can't break even.
Someday we'll look back on all this and drive right off the road into a parked car.
Stupidity got us into this mess - why can't it get us out.
In just two days, tomorrow will be yesterday
My inferiority complex is not as good as yours.
Why do they sterilise needles for lethal injections?
When a man talks dirty to a woman, its sexual harassment. When a woman talks dirty to a man, it's $3.95 per minute.
If a tree falls in the forest and no one is around to see it, do the other trees make fun of it?
What offends even the humanest Englishman is his lack of music. He has neither rhythm nor dance in the movements of his soul and body – indeed, not even the desire for rhythm and dance. (Friedrich Nietzsche, Ibid, 252)
I know exactly what I think about all this, but I can never find words to put it in. Maybe if I get a little drunk I could dance it for you. (Woody Allen - Shadows and Fog)
When someone asks you, "A penny for your thoughts," and you put your two cents in, what happens to the other penny?
Did you know that if you laid every cigarette smoker end-to-end around the world, more than 67 per cent of them would drown? - Steve Altman
What would a chair look like if your knees bent the other way?
Things that bug me: When people say "Oh you just want to have your cake and eat it too".. F*** off. What good is a goddam cake you can't eat? What, should I eat someone else's cake instead?
For long life, inhale each time you exhale.
Mountain: a failure of air to occupy a high altitude.
Calendar: a device for scheduling the unpredictable.
Television: square thing in the corner that sucks in brains and spits out giggles.
A religion is a philosophy with a fence around it.
If every discarded corporate goal in America could be changed into a muffin, world hunger might be ended.
God said, "Let there be light," and there was light. Later, IBM said, "Let the chips fall where they may," and chaos was upon the earth.
A society lady's best snub is no match for that of a summoned house cat.
When I'm very ill, no fat ladies may sing at my bedside.
Lecture: a verbal dance between voice and attention, sometimes accompanied by meaning.
Everyone contributes to society--some by serving as horrible examples.
Your bad habits will kill you if bad luck doesn't get you first.
Many newcomers in hell are soon put to work designing phone menus.
In a university you can have a bad idea without endangering the general public.
Most modern battles have been lost quietly at night in front of an open refrigerator.
Do: a verb sprinkled liberally into airline announcements to create the illusion of intense caring.
Moment: an infinitely expandable unit of time, used often in situations of love or airline delays.
If a cat could speak, it probably wouldn't.
School board meeting: a process whereby difficult problems are brought up, discussed with opinionated bewilderment, tabled, and later solved by the school secretary.
Picture your worst fear. Now don’t. Feel better?
Morning Prayer
Now I wake me up from bed;
I thank the Lord I’m still not dead.
The Lord declined my soul to take
for reasons which remain opaque.
Reality is what's left to us after all of our failures to find it.
Walk where your feet are.
"There is nothing so absurd but that it may be found in the books of the philosophers" ~ Cicero
"Five percent of the people think; ten percent of the people think they think; and the other eighty-five percent would rather die than think." ~ Thomas Edison
A wise man, recognizing that the world is but an illusion, does not act as if it is real, so he escapes the suffering. ~ Buddha (B.C. 568-488)
The wiser man, recognizing Buddha's ontological error, decides not to remain a consistent philosophical ostrich, suspends his forced and temporary absurd denial of the empirical evidence of sense perception, and using his faculty of reason, re-calibrates his ontology to allow for the reality of traffic when crossing the street, thereby escaping suffering. ~ Nominis Expers (A.D. 1954-
