I suggest you don't read the next two paragraphs and skip to the warnings, if you don't understand them then come back and read these.Alright everybody! I've got some explaining to do so listen up. These are all warning labels found on certain products. I will state the product first, then put colons (:) after it. Then I will state the warning. k?(that is a rhetorical question, you do not have to e-mail me a response, but if you really feel like that question deserves a special answer, then go ahead and click here) After stating the warning I will write an additional phrase to make it funnier because some people just don't get it.


Occationally, I will have a "Mr. Brilliant Says." He is very wise so listen to him! Well, here we go! NOTE: If you want to print these, you probably don't want to waste all of that black ink so just highlight the whole thing, right click, select copy, then pull up word perfect or microsoft word and right click again and click paste. If you have aol then you can just click on file, new, and paste it on there. Now I think I am really, actually finished.



Found on the instruction sheet of a Conair Pro Style 1600 hair dryer:

WARNING: Do not use in shower. Never use while sleeping.

And never blow-dry your hair while you're sleeping in the shower.

Found on a microwave package of Orville Redenbacher's gourmet popping corn:

Do not puncture or tear bag before popping.

C'mon, Orville-you're taking all the fun out of watching the corn pop.

Found on a package of Ray-O-Vac Renewal AA reusable batteries:

If swallowed or lodged in ear or nose see doctor.

If you lodge a battery in your ear or nose, you might also want to see a psychiatrist or consider a career in the circus.

Mr Brilliant Sez: "How ya supposed to read the label when the battery is stuck up your nose?"

Found on Axius Sno-Off Automobile Windshield cover:

Caution: Never drive with the cover on you windshield

Unless, of course, you cut a big hole in it so you can see.

An FDA proposed warning label for packages of Frito-Lay's new Max potato chips, made with Olestra fat substitute:

This product contains Olestra. Olestra may cause abdominal cramping and loose stools. Olestra inhibits the absorption of some vitamins and other nutrients. Vitamins A, D, E, and K, have been added.

It's a potato chip! No, it's a laxative! No, it's a multivitamin!

FACTOID: Procter & Gamble Inc. has reportedly sked the Food and Drug Administration to allow use of a less-graphic warning label because consumer test groups reacted negatively to teh proposed FDA warning. No doubt they had problems finding a consumer group that would react positively to such a warning.

Instructions found on almost all bottles of shampoo:

Wet hair. Lather. Rinse. Repeat.

If you follow these instructions literally, you'll spend the rest of your life shapooing your hair.

Found on Super Tiger Champahne Party Popper (small plastic novelty bottles that shower confetti after a string is pulled):

WARNING: Flammable.

Yet the other side reads:

Flameproof-contains 0.25 grains of powder or less.

Novelty fireworks can be dangerous enough. Fireworks manufactured by companies who hire schizophrenic warning label writers, well, that's just plain disturbing.

Found on a Bungee cord:

USE EXTREME CAUTION when stretching cord over load. Keep face and other vulnerable body parts away from potential cord rebound path.

but feel free to attach the Bungee cord to yourself and leap off a tall bridge.

Found on a bottle containing a purified chemical:

For purposes of complying with the New Jersey Right to Know Act, contents partially unknown.

Who in the name of- oh, it's New Jersey law. Never mind.

Found on Tilex mildew remover:

Use only in well-ventilated areas.

If you were in a well-ventilated area in the first place, why would there be mildew?

Found on packages of Betty Crocker Fruit Roll-Ups:

Peel fruit from cellophane before eating.

If consumers can't tell the difference between your product and its packaging, you might consider adding more fruit flavor.

Mr. Brilliant Sez: "So that's why Fruit Roll-Ups are so darn chewy."

Found on Tootsietoy Marshall eight-shot ring cap pistol:

WARNING: Do not fire more than four ring caps consecutively. Do not carry ring caps in your pockets.

This warning raises several questions. If you aren't supposed to fire more that four ring caps at a time, why is this cap gun and eight-shooter? Where are you supposed to carry ring caps if not in your pocket? And more important, why buy your kid a toy gun in the first place?

Found on many return envelopes:

Post Office will not deliver mail without postage.

Was there ever a time when the post office did deliver mail without postage? You guys (or gals) had better be back soon because I am actually updating this a bunch later today.

Found on the inside of a pull-top lid of liquid radiator sealant:

CAUTION: Do not lick lid.

Yeah, but after drinking the entire bottle of radiator sealant, it's hard to contain ourselves.

Found on a box of Kellogg's Pop-Tarts:

WARNING: Pastry filling may be hot when heated.

Wow! Free physics lesson with every box!

Found on a can of Salon Selectives hair-styling mousse:

WARNING: FLAMMABLE. Avoide fire, flame, of smoking during use and until hair is thoroughly dry.

Once hair is dry, return to your normal routine of setting fire to your head

Found on Batman: The Animated Series Armor Set Halloween costume box:

PARENT: Please exercise caution- mask and ches plate are not protective; cape does not enable wearer to fly.

Parents: If your child believes that a polyester sheet enables flight, you should probably examine that Halloween candy more closely.

Found on public rest room Continuous Roll Towel dispensers:

MAINTENANCE OPERATOR: Failure to follow loading instructions could result in serious injury or death

Death for failing to follow instructions? Who'd have thought that janitors were working under such strict scrutiny? What's the penalty for failing to fill all the toilet-paper holders?

Found on a box of Q-Tips cotton swabs:

WARNING: Use only as directed. Entering the ear canal could cause injury. Keep out of reach of children.

Good warning. We don't see how anyone could possibly fit into an ear canal without hurting themselves, and if you did manage to shrink that small, you certainly wouldn't want any children reaching you.

Mr Brilliant Sez: "If we're not supposed to put them in our ears, what are they for?"

Found on a package of Equal sweetener with NutraSweet Tablet dispenser:

If Tablets do not dipense, shake container and try again. Do not use foreign objects to dislodge the Tablets, or injury may result.

And whatever you do, don't try to dislodge the tablets with a Q-Tip.

Found in instructions for a computer mouse:

Do not dangle the mouse by its cable or throw mouse at co-workers.

They're right. That short cable prevents the mouse from hitting co-workers from across the room. Try chucking a coffee cup or, better yet, a paperweight. Much more effective.

Found on an Intex bran Sno-Tube flotation toy:

Only to be used in water in which child is within its depth and under supervision.

Check label on child to verify its appropriate depth.

Sticker found on the base of a Bell Phones 900 megahertz cordless telephone:

Need help? Call (800) 800-8990 between 8 am - 4:30 pm PST

If your phone isn't working, how are you supposed to call the help line?

Found on a can of Nabisco Easy Cheese:

For best results, remove cap.

For worst results, hit product repeatedly with a four-pound sledgehammer

Found in specifications for a fire alarm system:

There shall be three (3) access levels with level 4 being the highest level.

These instructions are flawed for two reasons: 1. Numeric inconsistency, B. The reader shall have to reread the instructions three times and won't understand them until the fourth time, and III. The instructions neglect to mention level 5.

Mr. Brilliant Sez: "Makes sense to me, but I used to work for the IRS"

Found on plastic bags containing an Anastasia toy in Burger King Kids Club meals:

This bag is not a toy. Please discard.

Forget the toy - the movie should have the warning:

Like Pocahontas, this movie is a historically inaccurate hooey designed to sell cheap plastic trinkets. Please disregard its contents.

Found on a box of GLAD drawstring cat-box liners:

WARNING: Not recommended for food storage.

Most dogs would disagree with that warning.

Mr Brilliant Sez: "Yeah, but is it a toy?"

From a canister of Daptex latex foam sealant:

Ingestion may cause dizziness, headache, or neasea.

Besides, foam sealand also sticks to the roof of your mouth.

Found on Snak Club Gummy Worms:

No cholesterol, no preservatives. A meal in itself.

Why cook dinner when you can just give the kids a bagful of nutritious gummy worms?

Mr. Brilliant Sez: "Are gummy worms now the eighth food group?"

Found on the back of a Tamagotchi virtual pet:

CAUTION: Battery harmful or fatal if swallowed.

If you're smart enough to use a precision miniature Phillips screw driver to remove the small plastic back panel to get to the battery, you probably already know better than to swallow it. On the other hand, all that work might make you hungry.

Mr. Brilliant Sez: "Does that mean it's okay to swallow the Tamagotchi if you take out the battery first?

Found on the instructions for NAPA automotive fan belts:

CAUTION: Before starting service work, be sure engine is off.

A warning for people who also hate stopping the car to change a flat tire.

Found on the safety booklet published for Cayman Airlines:

If you are seated in an exit aisle and are unable to read this, please ask a stewardess to reseat you.

How would finding another seat suddenly enable you to read?

Found on packages containing Silly Putty:

WARNING: Not for use as earplugs.

Yeah, you don't want your kids eating anything that's been in someone's ears.

Found in a televisions set's owner's manual:

Do not pour liquids into your television set.

And please don't use your VCR as a toaster.

Found on a package of Sea Salt, a.k.a. Certified A.C.S. Crystal (described as "Sodium Chloride," which is, of course, salt):

CAUTION! May cause irritation. Ingestion of large amounts may cause systemic toxicity.

Wow! Pass the chips!

Found on instructions for a Bic cigarette lighter:

WARNING: Ignite lighter away from face and clothing.

The ultimate stop-smoking technique.

Found on instructions for a fire extinguishers:

1. Carry to fire.

Or, if carrying it to the fire is too much trouble, simply start another fire closer to the extinguisher.

Found on plastic bottles of Mott's apple juice:

Plastic Bottle. Excellent Source of Vitamin C.

To heck with oranges, other citric fruits, and vitamin supplements- eat just one plastic bottle a day and keep those colds away!

Found in the instructions of a Murray snow thrower:

Do not use snow thrower on surfaces above ground level such as roofs of residences.

Anyone determined to haul a snowblower to the roof of a house has our permission to use it wherever they darn well please.

Found on the handle of a hammer:

CAUTION: Do not use this hammer to strike any solid object.

Such as, perhaps, the head of the idiot who came up with this warning in the first place?

Found on a butane lighter:

WARNING: Flame may cause fire

Similarly, the water emitted from squirt guns may cause wetness

Found on a box of light-sensitive photographic paper:

Open only in total darkness. See further instructions inside.

Let's hope those instructions are in Braille.

Found on soda vending machines:

WARNING! Never rock or tilt. Machine can fall over and cause serious injury or death. Vending machine will not dispense free product.

We have also discovered that you can't get any free milk by tipping over cows.

Found on plastic bags used to protect newspapers from inclement weather:

This bag is not a toy. Placing bag over your head could result in suffocation.

Similarly, toys will not protect newspapers from the rain, and placing them on your head makes a really bad fashion statement.

Found on laundry instructions on a shirt made my HEET (Korea):

For best results: Wash in cold water separately, hang dry and iron with warm iron.

For worst results: Drag behind car through puddles, tie to roof rack, and drive fast to dry

Found on 24-ounce plastic bottles of Dr Pepper:

WARNING:Contents under pressure. Cap may blow off causing eye or other serious injury. Point away from face and people especially while opening.

Hard to believe the same warning label doesn't appear on handguns, land mines, and Mike Tyson.

Found in the instructions for a Hitachi HB-B201 bread machine:

WARNING: Close supervision is necessary when bread machine is used by or near children.

The next page reads:

IMPORTANT SAFEGUARDS: Keep the bread machine away from babies and children, as they may touch the control buttons.

In other words, children can use the bread machine under close supervision- but only with their powers of telepathy.

Also found in a Hitachi HB-B201 bread machine manual:

CAUTION: Save these instructions.

Which is accompanied by the following explanatory note:

The word "caution" is used to indicate the presence of a hazard which will or can cause minor personal injury or property damage if the warning is ignored.

Does this mean personal injury or property damage will occur if the bread machine's instruction manual is discarded, misplaced, or made into an origami hat?

Found on inside of cabinet door:

CAUTION: To avoid injury and damage to cabinet, do not move the cabinet while in a loaded condition.

Yeah, it's better to wait until you've sobered up.

Found on the packaging for a Ace garden hose nozzle:

WARNING: Do not spray water into an electrical outlet. Severe electrical shock could result.

Mr Brillian Sez: "How are ya supposed to clean out all that old electricity residue gunking up the outlets?

Found on a package of sugarless Bubble Yum:

Use of this product may be hazardous to your health. This product contains saccarin, which has been determined to cause cancer in laboratory animals.

Fillings now or chemotherapy later?

Mr. Brilliant Sez: "How'd they get the rats to chew gum?"

Found on a box of Just for Men hair coloring:

CAUTION: This product must not be used for dying eyelashes or eyebrows-to do so may cause blindness.

On the other hand, if you end up blinding yourself, you'll no longer be troubled by that gray hair.

Found on a package containing Gold Star Wraparound Safety Glasses:

WARNING FOR YOUR PROTECTION: This type of protective product is not a substitute for using caution.

And we were tempted to put on the safety glasses and juggle chain saws.

Found on a bottle of Brut aftershave lotion:

WARNING: Flammable until dry. Do not use when smoking or near fire, flame, or heat.

You spot an attractive person, you splash on a little aftershave, you light up a smoke for that sophisticated look, you-BOOM!-you spend the rest of the night in the burn unit.

Found on a bottle of Gatorade:

Scientifically formulated to taste best when you need it most.

In other words, if you're dying of thirst, Gatorade tastes like Dom Perignon. Otherwise, it tastes like melted Jell-O.

Found on a box of Equal sweetener with NutraSweet:

Phenylketonurics: Contains phenylalanine.

Finally, a clear, concise, and simple warning we can all understand.

Found in a public restroom at rest stop alon a Wisconsin highway:

Do not eat urinal cakes.

Maybe they shouldn't make them look so much like cheese wheels.

Mr. Brilliant Sez: "You mean those aren't jumbo-sized breath mints?"

Found on white-pigmented KILZ Sealer, Primer, Stain-Blocker:

DANGER: Flammable. Harmful or fatal if swallowed.

With a name like KILZ, are any other warnings really necessary?

Found on a bottle of Scope mouthwash, wich contains alcohol:

Do not use in children under six years of age. Children over six should be supervised.

But a shot of mouthwash before bed really puts the kids to sleep in a hurry.

Found on a bottle of Mr. Bubble bubble-bath liquid:

CAUTION: Excessive use or prolonged exposure may cause irritation to skin and urinary tract.

We're disturbed that Mr. Bubble would expose himself for prolonged periods of time, and we're even more uncomfortable with the thought of him causing urinary tract problems.

Found on a package of d-Con Mouse Prufe II mouse poison:

CAUTION: May be harmful or fatal if swallowed.

Isn't that the whole idea behind poison-that it's poisonous?

Found on Caribou coffee cup holders:

Caribou Coffee is always hot!

Mr. Brilliant Sez: "Dang! I ordered mine iced!"

Seen over front doors of stores and restaurants across the U.S.:

This door to remain unlocked during business hours.

If your employees haven't grasped this concept, why did you hire them?

Mr. Brilliant Sez: "My business has nearly doubled since I've opened the doors to paying customers."

Found in restaurant restrooms:

Employees must wash hands.

Before or after unlocking the front door?

Found on a package of Wellington twisted nylon twine:

CAUTION: Not recommended for use where personal safety is involved.

But it's the perfect twine for activities involving the total disregard of safety.

Found on a Northland jumbo size fire log:

CAUTION: Risk of fire.

Apparently the fireproof fire logs weren't selling very well

Found on a Night Hawk carbon monoxide detector:

WARNING: This device may not alarm at low carbon monoxide levels... OSHA has established that continuous exposure to levels of 50 ppm should not be exceeded in an 8-hour period. This detector has not been investigated by UL for carbon monoxide detection below 60 ppm.

Well, now, that should increase sales.

Found on bottles of Clorox bleach and many other household cleaning products:

WARNING: Precautionary Statements: Hazards to human and domestic animals.

But perfectly safe for wild animals?

Found on instructions for folding up a portable baby carriage:

Step 1: Remove baby

Baby? Oh my gosh! We forgot to put the baby in the carraige!

Found on a box containing a VCR:

Instructional video on hooking up your VCR included.

Need I say more?

Found in a hearing aids instruction booklet:

Never put your hearing aid or batteries in your mouth for any reason, as they can be accidentaly swallowed.

If your hearing aid ends up in your mouth, you'll probably want to take the dentures out of your ear.

Found on the packaging for a Ace Come back soon, I update this page a lot. Sorry about saying that "I would update it later today" I forgot to the day I wrote that and I forgot I had written that I would update it.

Here is the main page. You know, the spot with all of the links and stuff?