Gone Too Soon
Some People
only dream of angels
But I held
one in my arms...
I am so glad you found your way to my page! This site is deticated to my little angels, Hope, David & Jeremiah. As I get this page finished you will be able to read poetry and stories written by other bereaved parents.I have also started an online support group to help you through your grief, and lots of links to other resources.
I too have been there as I have lost three babies. I will be sharing my own story with you. This is a very long journey that I believe will never be finished as long as I am on this earth. But also want to share the positive things I have gained through this worst tragedy I have ever had. You don't have to be alone in your grief. Please bookmark this site and visit often as I will get more listed weekly. And please dont forget to join our online support group A Time To Heal, a link can be found below. God Bless!
My First AWARD, THANKS Sharlene!
New AWARD program! Do you know of a great website that has touched your heart? Or have you made a website about your loss? Submit it for this award. Please email me the URL along with a short reason you feel this site should have this award.
My Story
When I was a little girl I alway's feared that I would not be able to have children. I thought that was a fear that every girl had and was not till later in life that I realized that was not true. Mabey it was a little bit intuition about what was to happen later in life.
It was October of 1993 when my then boyfriend, Ed and I were sharing a small apartment. I had just started a new job as an Assistant Manager for a major clothing chain. Ed was also working hard and we were planning on getting married very soon. We talked about having children but not in the near future. Ed had two children from a previous marraige and me with my fear that in reality I might not be able to give him any children.
My job was, needless to say very demanding and has I started getting sick throughout the day and very tired I really thought it was stress. When I missed my period I finally called the doctor, thinking mabey something was wrong but still not really thinking I could be pregnant as I was on birth control pills. When they suggested a pregnancy test I was shocked, and even more so when Ed was actually excited. So much went through my mind during one of the longest 5 minutes of my life. When we were called back to the office and I was told I was pregnant I could not believe it!! All those years of worry about not being able to get pregnant and here I was on the pill, and pregnant. It was not the best timing as we were not married yet but never the less we were both thrilled. I remember on the drive home daydreaming about being a mother and starting to feel love for this tiny life growing inside me. I just knew it was a girl.
The following morning was an early one as we had a meeting at work at 7am. I remember how awful I felt and how good it felt to know that I felt awful because I was pregnant not just sick with the flu! It was not to long after arriving that during one of my many trips to the bathroom I noticed a spot of pink blood. I was not sure what to think, I knew nothing of pregnancy let alone pregnancy loss. A co-worker finally urged my to call a nurse and ask. She recommended that I be seen in the ER right away. I still was not really scared, not knowing what would later follow. They said everything looked alright and sent me home and bed rest. Within the next 24 hours I would start bleeding heavily and end up in the ER again and have a D&C to remove "tissue" that they said had probably already been lost. I will never forget the use of the word "tissue", I kept thinking this was a baby was'nt it? The use of that word would trigger a long time of denail and loss of being able to greive this baby. No one talked to me about feeling like my heart had been ripped out or grieving this baby that I believe at one time was thriving inside of me. An OB/GYN told me this was normal and just to wait a month and try again that everything would be fine. So I pushed back all the feelings I had and tryed to go on.
When my manager told me she expected me to be back within the next day, and that my miscairrage was no big deal, I said too much and ended up getting fired. That was an awful time.
Then we decided we wanted to have a baby, I think now looking back it was the only thing we thought would take away the pain we were feeling. So we waited a month and started trying again.
I got pregnant right way. How funny I thought since I alway's thought I would not be able to get pregnant. I searched for a new doctor that I felt I would be comfortable with and that would understand my worry. I finally found one that agreed with what I felt that I needed to be seen right away, Dr. Benedict.
Everything was going great, had an ultrasound and heard my babys heartbeat and I was finally over the dreaded first trimester. Women did not lose babies later than that (or so I believed). So I was on top of the world. We decided to get married in the spring and moved in with my mom and dad to save on rent so I could take it easy.
It was two day's before we moved when I had the most troubling dream (or vision as I now know it was, I am in the process of writing this vision and other related ones I had during this time for you to read so check back) I was shown a very tiny but perfectly formed baby, no words were exchanged but I knew what I was being told. I also knew this baby was a boy. He would be born too early and die. In my dream I was not upset, it was like I had known all along this was a Divine plan for this baby, to receive a body and return to heaven. But ofcourse upon waking I was devestated and very upset. I remember calling my mom and telling her. She tried to calm me down saying it was just stress from my earlier loss.
It had been about two weeks since we had moved in with my parents. I was wearing maternity clothes and buying for a baby that I hoped I would be able to have.
One night upon waking to go the the bathroom something very large had fallen into the tiolet. It is hard to say how long I sat there with tears streaming down my face terrified to look, it felt like forever. Finally I got up, the tiolet was filled with blood, there was something in there but could not tell what it was. I screamed for my husband who rushed me to the ER where I was told the placenta was seperating, but the babys heartbeat was nice and strong. I was told to go home on bed rest and that unless there was pain or excessive bleeding it would most likely stop. What had fallen into the tiolet was a large blood clot.
Bedrest did not work and I went into labor. Due to a VERY RARE 2nd Trimester placental abruption. I will never forget how helpless I felt that day, being in labor and delivery hearing other women's newborn's crying and knowing I would not hear mine cry, he was too small and would be born dead. Feeling my tiny son slip out of my body was devestating. The nurse grabbed him as she told me it was a boy and took him away. I layed there sobbing along with my husband for a long time.
A little while later the nurse came in and asked if I wanted to see and hold my baby, I was mortified! Thinking I was going to see some deformed gross peice of "tissue" as I remembered my miscarraige being called. Why would I want to do that?? I would surely have nightmares about this I thought. I abrubtely yelled NO!! The nurse was very calm and said, "are you afraid?". I told her yes, and she described to me a pink, tiny little boy who was perfectly formed. Pink she said because her had been alive up untill the time he delivered (which was strange because at this stage the baby usually dies much earlier making his apperance dark or even black). She came in about 5 times begging me to see him. I thank God for her persistance because had she not talked me into it, my baby would have been gone without me ever knowing how perfect he was or saying goodbye. My husband and I finally aggreed and she went to get him. When she came in she brought over a little quilted blanket with our tiny perfect son. I just sat there in amazement at God's creation this tiny human being that grew in my body. It was then has I looked over and touched his tiny body that my heart filled with more sadness and greif that I had ever felt. Perfect little, nose, ears, mouth, fingers and toes even with finger and toenails! Even I likeness to my husband in this little 6 1/2" baby. I sobbed and sobbed. Not wanting to say goodbye but to put him back inside me and let him finish growing. After the nurse came and got him she asked about if we wanted to bury him. I remember thinking (I know this sounds AWFUL) that she ment take him home and bury him, like you do a pet. I did not know you buried babies let were only 4 months gestation or not fullterm. Is was not untill she asked me if I wanted her to call the mortuary, that I understood. I did not know what to do, I did not want this perfect baby disposed of. She told us to think about it while she was going to get his footprints for us and take his picture.
I called my mom crying that how was I going to bury him? I did not know we had some plots at the cemetery in the same city we live in, the cemetery that sits on a hill that I can see from my home. My mom said she would take care of it and I also asked her to please name him as I could not think.
We had a very nice but small graveside service for him. My mom named him David Alexander (after David in the Bible~so small but such a fighter). I must say seeing that little casket and buring him was the hardest of all. Along with the fact one question still remained, why did this happen? And would this happen again? No one including my doctor had the answers.We also decided to get married shortly after David's death, we were married 11 days later.
We waited three months and tried again. I got pregnant quickly and to say the least had a very stressful pregnancy. Again at about the same time another dream, this time there was a voice that spoke to me, I was told that this boy would be born too early and would not live but to not be sad because God was going to give me a heathy girl, I was shown this little baby (who I never forgot, remember to check back to read this dream in full) Upon waking I was just sick with worry. I kept telling myself mabey David was the baby she was talking about and mabey I was pregnant now with this little girl I was promised. But deep down I knew. And again we lost another tiny son we named Jeremiah Stephen. It was then after seeing and holding this, another perfect little baby that I saw myself in, that a tidal wave of grief and anger hit me. I had not properly grieved for them and now it had hit.
Believe me there is not shortcut or easy way to get through the grieving process. And truely it is a lifetime journey. Now that you have read this time of my life I hope to (as I have time to write it up) share with you the visions I had, what helped me survive through this, what I have learned from my babies death, and the miracle of being able to have my two beautiful girls. I want to incourage you to bookmark this page and come back to read more as I get it added. Also please see our Memorial Page and submit your babies names, and join our online support group. If you need information please email me. Coming SOON a "Safe Arrivials Page" for parents to list the birth of their babies. Even if the were born years ago we want to celebrate the birth! Email me if you would like to have your child (children) added. Have a story, poem or anything you would like to share and have it posted please email it to me!
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