The scene opens on a guard post somewhere in the wilderness of Nosgoth. A
tough-looking guard is on duty, resting on his axe.<br><br>Guard: It's a boring, lonely, dangerous life being a Nosgoth Guard. Not
many people can do it. The constant Vampire attacks, the lack of any
interesting activity (and that isn't a contradiction, so there!) makes most
people insane, seeing things that aren't really there. But not me. I'm made
of sterner stuff.<br><br>At that moment, Kain walks by, thrusting hit feet out oddly and singing
loudly.<br><br>Kain: (singing) Na na na-na...HEY! Na-na na-na...HEY!!!<br><br>Kain goes off, still singing. The guard blinks, then pulls himself
together.<br><br>Guard: Like just then. I didn't see a singing, dancing Vampire.<br><br>Hash'Ak'Gik walks past, playing on a lyre.<br><br>Hash: (singing) I'm looking over a four-leafed clover that I overlooked
before...<br><br>Guard: *ah-hem* Nothing odd going on here! I'm perfectly sane!<br><br>Raziel: Hi. I'm from the Church of the Knights Who Kill Block Puzzles. Can
I ask you for a donation?<br><br>Guard: Shutupshutupshutup! You don't exist!!!<br><br>There is a tidal wave, and Mortanius shoots by on his surfboard, dressed in
a Hawaiian t-shirt and shorts.<br><br>Mortanius: Cowabunga dudes!!!<br><br>The guard slumps down and bursts into tears.<br><br>***<br><br>Meanwhile, in the nice, pleasant town of Dark Eden, Earthworm Jim is going
to be ripped off yet again in this LOK-a series. In this case, Bane,
Anacrofte and DeJoule walk by, all laughing evilly and bragging loudly
about their evil plans. Two old men sitting outside a shack nearby watch
them.<br><br>Man 1: Well, lookee yonder! There be another group of them Mage-villains!
Now why do ya suppose they always pick on ah hum'le town of Dark Eden?<br><br>Man 2: Dunno. Per'aps we shouldn' gotten drunk that night we visited the
Pillars of Nosgoth...<br><br>There is a brief flashback of the two men, drunkenly stumbling around and
decorating the Pillars of Nosgoth with a crate of woman's underwear...<br><br>****************************************************************************
*****<br>
Welcome to Chapter 5 of Blood Omen 1a - Things to do in Nosgoth when you're
Dead!<br><br>In todays chapter, blood-drinking, killing and revenge all play an
important part. Watermelons do not.
****************************************************************************
*****<br><br>It is night at the Pillars. Ariel has just finished texting her shopping
buddies when Kain slinks back, looking like he's trying not to be seen.
Ariel turns around.<br><br>Ariel: Ah, the lord returns empty-handed. Does the Sarafan elude you?<br><br>Kain: It's not my fault!! I'd have beaten him, except...<br><br>Ariel: Except..?<br><br>Kain: Well, when I whent into his bastion, I was attacked by this huge
boxing glove. I destroyed it, but then...<br><br>Later...<br><br>Kain: ...and after all that, the door was a false one! So...<br><br>Even later...<br><br>Kain: ...into a cheesecake of all things! But even that didn't stop me...<br><br>Much later...<br><br>Kain: ...a tower bristling with laser cannons, and an orbiting satellite
with an atomic blaster!! So I had to dodge like crazy...<br><br>A long time later...<br><br>Kain: ...but I said &quot;No, Malek, I never give in!&quot;, and we started to
fight...<br><br>A veeeeeeerrry loooooooooooooooooooooooooong time later...<br><br>Kain: ...but then seven hundred and eighty giant spiders stormed the
room...<br><br>So much later that it's embarrasing...<br><br>Kain: ...but even though not even the moon falling on top of me could stop
me, Malek cowardly ran away while I was finishing off his army of a hundred
million fire-breathing dragons!<br><br>Ariel: I see...<br><br>Kain: But I'll get him next time.<br><br>Ariel: Yes...but I have a suggestion.<br><br>Kain: Yes?<br><br>Ariel: Go east of Malek's bastion. The Oracle's pool sees all. And he tapes
all on his VCR. Bring back the tape of your fight with Malek, and we'll go
through it to try and find any weaknesses.<br><br>Kain: Er...uh...ah...um...w-wouldn't it be faster...for me to ask the
Oracle...how to defeat Malek? Yeah, faster!<br><br>Ariel: Whatever, just go. I'm going to the cinema.<br><br>Kain: But I thought you were bound here to the Pillars for all eternity?<br><br>Ariel pulls a lever. Kain falls into a deep pit that opens up beneath
him...<br><br>...and lands just outside the mountains that lead to the Oracle's cave.<br><br>Mortanius: Oh, little Vampire, the game grows interesting. But with so many
pawns, can you find the true player?<br><br>Kain: Yes - he/she's on the other side of the TV screen, pressing buttons
on their joypad to control my actions!<br><br>Mortanius: Oh. Yes. Of course.<br><br>Kain: That shut him up!<br><br>Kain marches through the caves, fights baddies, yadda yadda. Finally, he
comes to a museum full of artifacts.<br><br>Kain: The shield was newly crafted, its metal shone brightly in the
firelight. Its crest I did not recognise.<br><br>Kain: Another shield, rusted, Lion of Willendorf.<br><br>Kain: A Super Nintendo! Haven't seen one of those in a while! Excuse me a
couple of hours while I play through the Soul Blazer series. Oh, happy
memories.<br><br>Kain: Odd. This armour resembled that of the Ward and his minions, yet the
steel seemed newly crafted, untarnished by time, and had the message &quot;I woz
ere B4U&quot; scratched on it...<br><br>Kain: Hidden amidst the many obscure artifacts in that museum...well, in
plain view on a pedastal, actually...I discovered an ancient chronicle,
with a passage that caught my eye. After slotting my eye back in, I went to
read the words.<br><br>Book: It was during these dark times infested with the plague of the
undead, that the Circle brought the Sarafan to existence.  Trained to be
devoutly loyal to the Circle, and the perfect exterminators of the undead
scourge, they were led to many victories by the righteous paladin, Malek.
They cleansed the vampires with fire, and released their souls to more
blessed realms.  There is no wrath as terrible as that of the righteous.<br><br>Kain: At once disgusted and intrigued, I placed that talking book back in
the museum. I prefer books that I can read myself!<br><br>Kain walks into a round antechamber, where Moebius...er, I mean the Oracle
is waiting.<br><br>The Oracle, and not Moebius: A nobleman? Seeking wisdom? Normally you
inbred cretinous noble types wouldn't know wisdom if it bit you on the
nose!<br><br>Kain: Enough stereotyping. I want answers. And maybe some sandwiches.<br><br>Oracle who isn't Moebius: Answers indeed. I have them all if you have the
questions. King Ottmar, the only hope to defeat the legions of the Nemesis.
King Ottmar. Paralyzed by that fall off the ladder. King Ottmar the
useless, and not much good in a fight! Pray, good sir, what are the
questions?<br><br>Kain: A pox upon your tricks and babble, old man!<br><br>Not Moebius, but the Oracle: Pox? Chickenpox? Smallpox? Or maybe...Cowpox?<br><br>A sheep wanders through the room. The two characters ignore it. There's no
real reason for it, to be honest.<br><br>Kain: Look, either give me a sandwich or tell me about Malek!<br><br>The Oracle who looks like but isn't a certain Timestreamer: All in good
time, sirrah. Yes, time. Unless you master it, it will master you. And now
it's time for your answers.<br><br>Kain: About bloody time. Get it? Time! I am so witty!!!<br><br>Oracle, and don't believe any rumours about it being Moebius: Malek, last
of the Sarafan sorcerer-priests. His vanity led to the slaughter of the
Circle at the hands of the Vampire Vorador...<br><br>From a long way away, we hear a tortured voice screaming &quot;Moebius, you
lying bastard!!!&quot;.<br><br>Kain: What of this Vorador?<br><br>Of course, by this time you know perfectly well that this is the Oracle,
and no one else, alright?: Follow the glow of the ignith...iggy...funny
glowing thingies in Termagent Forest. Oh, and...time, Kain? Next time...<br><br>The fire flares up, momentarily blinding Kain. When his sight returns,
Mo...the Oracle is halfway out of the window. He looks embarrased, then
presses a button on his staff. The fire flares up again, and this time
leaves Kain alone in the room. Kain is about to leave when another man
enters.<br><br>Man: Damn. Looks like I missed him again!<br><br>Kain: And you would be?<br><br>Man: I'm Duncan. I cam to ask the Oracle who is an Oracle and nothing more
about how to fix my toilet. All those enemies to fight, and I miss the guy!
Oh well, at least nothing else can go wrong!<br><br>At that moment, a portal opens up in the space-time continuum. A grapefruit
that is disguised as a melon runs out, closely chased by an avocado with
shades on. The room is suddenly filled with the corpses of a hundred 6-7
foot gerbils with swimming goggles, and the whole scene is watched by a 5
inch woman wielding a fondue fork of doom. Unsuprisingly, Duncan goes mad,
and runs out of the room screaming.<br><br>Duncan: MY FROGS ARE ON FIRE! I WANT TO BE A BAKED BEAN!!!<br><br>Kain: OK, that's it. I'm going home.<br><br>Kain stalks out. All Wibble the Avocado and related characters and
situations are used with permission from Liam Partridge. So there!
NEEEEEEERRR!!!!!</span>