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MORE JOKES

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28 of the World's Biggest Lies...
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  1. The check is in the mail.
  2. I'll respect you in the morning.
  3. I'm from your government, and I am here to helpyou.
  4. It's only a cold sore.
  5. You get this one, I'll pay next time.
  6. My wife doesn't understand me.
  7. Trust me, I'll take care of everything.
  8. Of course I love you.
  9. I am getting a divorce.
  10. Drinking? Why, no, Officer.
  11. I never inhaled.
  12. It's not the money, it's the principle of thething.
  13. I never watch television except for PBS.
  14. ...but we can still be good friends.
  15. She means nothing to me.
  16. Dont worry, I can go another 20 miles when the gauge is on"empty."
  17. I gave at the office.
  18. Don't worry, he's never bitten anyone.
  19. I'll call you later.
  20. We'll release the upgrade by the end of theyear.
  21. Read my lips: no new taxes
  22. I've never done anything like this before
  23. Now, I'm going to tell you the truth
  24. It's supposed to make that noise.
  25. I *love* your new _____!
  26. ...then take a left. You can't miss it.
  27. Yes, I did.
  28. Don't worry, it's OK -- I'm sterile.

Four Letter Words

A young couple got married and left on their honeymoon. When they got back, the bride immediately called her mother. "Well," said her mother, "so - how was the honeymoon?"

"Oh, mama," she replied, "the honeymoon was wonderful! So romantic..." Suddenly she burst out crying. "But, mama, as soon as we returned Sam started using the most horrible language - things I'd never heard before! I mean, all these awful 4-letter words! You've got to come get me and take me home... PLEASE MAMA!"

"Sarah, Sarah," her mother said, "calm down! Tell me, what could be so awful? WHAT 4-letter words?"

"Please don't make me tell you, mama," wept the daughter, "I'm so embarrased - they're just too awful! COME GET ME, PLEASE !!!"

"Darling, bubeleh, you must tell me what has you so upset... Tell your mother these horrible 4-letter words!"

Still sobbing, the bride said, "Oh, mama...words like: Dust, Wash, Iron, Cook..."

20 Things that men wish women knew...
  1. Don't ask what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as navel lint, sports,and monster trucks.
  2. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials.
  3. Shopping is not a sport, and no, we're never going to think of it that way.
  4. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine. Really.
  5. You have enough clothes.
  6. You have too many shoes.
  7. Crying is blackmail.
  8. Ask for what you want. Let's be clear on this one: subtle hints don't work, strong hints don't work, really obvious hints don't work....just say what the heck you want!
  9. No, we don't know what day it is. We never will. Mark anniversaries on a calendar.
  10. Yes, going to the bathroom standing up is more difficult. We're bound to miss sometimes.
  11. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.
  12. Foreign films are best left for the foreigners.
  13. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. All comments become null and void after 7 days.
  14. If something we said can be interpreted two ways, and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.
  15. Christopher Columbus didn't need directions, and neither do we.
  16. What the heck is a doily?
  17. All men see in only 16 colors. Peach is a fruit, not a color.
  18. If it's OUR house, I don't understand why MY stuff gets thrown in the basement?
  19. If we ask what's wrong and you say "nothing", we will act like nothing is wrong. We know you're lying, but it's just easier that way.
  20. If it itches, it will be scratched.

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