[DOL main room. In the center of the room, a large gaming table has been set up, covered with miniature hills, trees, and an occasional medieval building. Mulan (in her usual robes) is sitting at one end of the table. Spread out in front of her are a multitude of miniature figurines, representing a vast Elven Army. Her figures are deployed at nearly full strength in battle formation. Across the table stands Clopin, wearing his jester garb and looking over his scant Human army, much of which is in complete disarray. Tarzan (who has ditched his loincloth in favor of jeans and a T-shirt) is crouching near Clopin, with his eye just above the table, getting a 'soldier's eye view.' In a pile beside Clopin lie a bunch of discarded 'dead' miniatures. Miscellaneous dice, templates, and measuring tapes are strewn over the table.]
Mulan: (As she's idly flipping through a rulebook.) Take your time guys. I'm in nooooo hurry.
Clopin: (Anxious) Well Tarz, what do you recommend?
Tarzan: Surrender. Give up now, and spare yourself any more humiliation.
Clopin: (Sarcastic) Oh, thanks for the big help.
Tarzan: (Standing up now) Seriously? Consolidate all your remaining troops behind that hill. (Tarzan points to tree-covered hill near Clopin.) Take up a defensive position and wait for Mulan's troops to come to you.
Clopin: (Still sarcastic) Sure, Tarzan, 'hide behind a bunch of trees.' That's a great tactical maneuver.
Tarzan: Can you think of anything better to do?
[Clopin thinks for a moment, then grudgingly grabs a ruler and begins moving his figures toward the hill. Tarzan looks over the battlefield.]
Tarzan: Man, Clopin, you got routed. What happened? Did you try to play with only half your army?
Clopin: (Snide) No, I did not try to fight with only half my army. I just got massacred. I even used your strategy, for all the good it did me...
Tarzan: (Curious) Which strategy?
Clopin: The one you told me about yesterday. Where I take a bunch of knights and charge straight into her archers. My knights were supposed to wipe out the archers in hand-to-hand combat, then move on to the next unit. Well it didn't work. My knights got killed before they even reached the archers.
Tarzan: (While looking through the 'dead pile.') How many knights did you take? I only see a few in here.
Clopin: Five. And all had magic armor and weapons.
[Beat.]
Tarzan: Five?! With magic armor?! You mean you put five HEROES on the table without any troops accompanying them?
Clopin: Yeah...
Tarzan: Dude, you're an idiot. You might as well have given them big signs saying 'Here I am, come and shoot me!'
Clopin: (Exasperated) But isn't that what you told me to do?!
Tarzan: No, I told you to take a unit of about TWENTY ordinary knights, with MAYBE a hero leading them, and charge the archers. A few knights would die en route, but the rest would slaughter the archers. Without any bullet-catcher in front of them, your heroes were just very expensive cannon fodder.
Clopin: (Disgusted) Well, thanks for clearing that up now...
[Clopin continues moving his miniatures. Tarzan surveys the board again.]
Tarzan: Not that it would have changed anything. You still would have been massacred.
Clopin: (Snide) And why's that?
Tarzan: (Matter-of-fact) You're playing as the French. Anything French is always going to loose a fight.
Clopin: (Defensive) No we don't! And besides, my army is not French!
Tarzan: Yes it is! Your whole army has the red, white, and blue color scheme. The French color scheme.
Clopin: Oh, come on. That doesn't make them French. Half the western world uses that color scheme!
[Beat. Mulan is now watching the argument with an amused expression on her face.]
Tarzan: (Yelling) What are you talking about?! That's the French flag right there on your standard bearer!
Clopin: (Defensive) No it's not!
Tarzan: Oh, so you put a star in the middle stripe. Big deal. Its still the French flag! You and your little cheese-sniffing soldier wannabes were doomed from the very beginning!
Clopin: (Challenging) Oh yeah? Big talk from a spectator! Think you can back it up on the table?
Tarzan: (Challenging) You bet I can!
[Tarzan ducks under the table and pulls out a tackle box. He opens the box and begins pulling out Centaur and Minitaur miniatures and placing them on the table. Clopin, meanwhile, has begun taking models out of the 'dead pile' and reforming his original army.]
Mulan: (Casual) So, Clopin, can I assume this is another forfeit?
Tarzan: (Challenging) You're going down, Frenchie!
Clopin: (Challenging) To you and your flea infested mongrels? I don't think so!
Mulan: I'll take that as a yes. (Mulan picks up a notepad and makes a few marks on it.) Heh, heh. Twenty-four and one. Even Shang would be proud of that record.
[The Bells of Notre Dame start ringing.]
Mulan: Can it guys. The Horned King is calling.

[Still glaring at each other, Tarzan and Clopin reluctantly put down their miniatures and leave the table. All head over to 'the desk,' where a yellow light is flashing. Mulan hits the light. Cut to Tower 13. Rasputin and Disney's Gaston are standing in the foreground. In the background, Genie and Gizmoduck are setting up some projection equipment.]
Rasputin: Well, if it isn't Heuy, Louis, and the News... I trust that the three of you finished your Sidekick Exchange before you started your little games.

[DOL.]
Tarzan: (Confused) 'Heuy, Louis, and the News?'
Mulan: (While holding up a poster) You bet!
Clopin: Have we ever not been ready?
Tarzan: (Confused) 'Heuy, Louis, and the News?'

[Tower 13.]
Rasputin: Good. Would you like to go first, or shall we?

[DOL.]
Tarzan: (Confused) 'Heuy, Louis, and the News?'
Mulan: I think we'll let you go.
Tarzan: (Confused) 'Heuy, Louis, and the News?'
Clopin: (To Tarzan) Knock it off.

[Tower 13.]
Rasputin: Very well. Try not to stare directly at the sidekick, or the sheer brilliance of it may blind you.
Gaston: (To the Beta-Readers) Okay, boys, roll 'em!

[Rasputin and Gaston step off-screen as the lights go down. Gizmoduck turns on a slide projector and focuses on a screen at the back of the room. Genie appears next to the screen, wearing a suit and jacket. There is a *click* and the face of a man appears on the screen.]
Genie: (Gruff) This, is the sidekick, Biff.
[Slide changes to a full-body shot of Biff. Biff is an overly muscled young man with slicked back brown hair. Biff is wearing a typical medieval soldier uniform.]
Genie: (Gruff) Biff is a jock.
[Slide changes to a group shot of Biff and a bunch of similarly dressed people. Next to Biff is a somewhat scrawny, younger soldier.]
Genie: (Gruff) Biff is also in the army. Along with many other people. Next to Biff is Mark, the hero.
[Slide changes to Biff and Mark running like heck during the night.]
Genie: (Gruff) The story begins when Biff dares Mark to do something really stupid. Trouble ensues.
[A series of slides are shown of Mark and Biff during various stages of the story.]
Genie: (Gruff) Mark and Biff survive a series of encounters with the villain and his henchmen. The adventures reveal Mark's hidden strengths and help him finally find fulfillment and self-worth. Biff continues to revel in his own jockness. Along the way, they meet up with...
[Slide changes to a generic 'hot babe.']
Genie: (Gruff) Princess Reanna, who falls in love with Mark, and helps him on his journey of self discovery. In the end...
[Slide changes to an exterior shot of someone falling off a tower.]
Genie: (Gruff) The villain is defeated.
[Slide changes to Mark and Reanna kissing.]
Genie: (Gruff) Mark is married to Reanna, making him the new king of the local kingdom. They both live happily ever after.
[Slide changes to Biff, now dressed in a highly embroidered soldier costume. He is flanked by two Bimbettes, one on each arm.]
Genie: (Gruff) And Biff is promoted to Captain of the Guard, where he, and his girls, continue to revel in his jockness. He also lives happily ever after.
[Lights go back up. Gizmoduck walks up to the screen and he and Genie congratulate each other on the presentation. Gaston and Rasputin walk back onscreen.]
Rasputin: (Awed) That... Was so... Brilliant! The Oscar for best supporting actor is practically ours.
Gaston: So guys, what'cha think?

[DOL.]
Mulan: That was awful!
Clopin: For once, I agree with Mulan. That was the worst sidekick I've ever seen. There isn't one likable thing about him.
Tarzan: Without a doubt, that was the lamest sidekick I've ever seen.

[Tower 13.]
Rasputin: (Sour) Oh really? And what did you come up with, Disno-philes? Another wisecracking talking animal?

[DOL.]
Tarzan: Of course not. We use those for the Hero, nowadays. (Mulan elbows Tarzan in the gut.) Ow! What was that for?
Mulan: (Quiet, to Tarzan) Silence, twit.
Clopin: (Oblivious to the other two) Close, but not quite. Our sidekick is of a supernatural nature. Much like your green demons, actually.

[Tower 13.]
Rasputin: (Intrigued) Really?

[DOL.]
Clopin: Yup. Mulan, if you would...
[Mulan holds up a poster with a picture of green and purple sprite.]
Clopin: Our sidekick is a sprite. A mean-spirited sprite who hangs out with the villain, and does some of his bidding.
Mulan: Our sidekick's gimmick is that he's the living embodiment of insipidity, and is one of the original spirits released from Pandora's box.
Tarzan: He's a very uppity, rude character, and throws a fit whenever someone mispronounces his attitude, which happens on a fairly regular basis.

[Tower 13.]
Gaston: Hmm. Not bad. Not good either, but not bad.
Rasputin: Indeed. But enough about the sidekick exchange. Today, you will--

[DOL.]
Clopin: Hold up, Raspy, I think I can take it from here. (As Rasputin) Today, you will have the honor of screening Fox's most recent animated masterpiece, the wondrous sci-fi epic: Titan AE. (Normal) ...Again.
Mulan: (resigned) Well, we've already seen it eight times. One more time isn't going to hurt much.
Tarzan: Besides, the fight scene ROCKED!
[Clopin and Mulan give Tarzan the evil eye.]

[Tower 13.]
Rasputin: Well, I'm glad you liked it, Ape Man. But I'm afraid you aren't watching Titan today.
Gaston: Y'know boss, it's kind of ironic how their sidekick came from Pandora's box...

[DOL. All three are exchanging horrified glances]
Clopin: (wide-eyed) You don't think... It couldn't be...
Tarzan: (bashing head into wall) No...No...No...
Mulan: (wringing hands) Oh, my. Oh my.

[Tower 13.]
Rasputin: (laughing evilly) I have finally found it! There is NO WAY you can survive this one!

[DOL. The three are whimpering pathetically.]

[Tower 13.]
Rasputin: Now, prepare for Death By Fandora. And make sure you have a Motion Discomfort Bag within reach. I don't want any chunks blown all over my nice theater seats.

[DOL. The trio stands there in shock for a moment.]
Clopin: (sounding rather unsure) You'll never break us. We made it through that Pokémon shipper fic last week...
Tarzan: Well, more or less. Mrs. Potts is still recuperating from Mulan's little outburst...
Mulan: I'm SORRY, okay?! I didn't know she was there!
Clopin: (ignoring this point) ...and we'll make it through this!

[Tower 13.]
Rasputin: Well, you can try. But I doubt you would be so optimistic if you knew what was in store. (cackles) Gaston! Send the fic!
Gaston: Yes sir!
[Gaston obediently presses the button.]
Rasputin: Now, get in there! [laughs evily]

[DOL. The Bells of Notre Dame start up.]
Tarzan: We've got Pandora Sign!!
Clopin: (while frantically passing out barf bags) Aaaahhh!
Mulan: (taking the bag and looking pained) You know, this is becoming a bit tedious.

[Theater. All Enter and take their normal seats, stowing their airsickness bags within easy reach.]
Mulan: A Pandora fic... Ancestors, what did I do to deserve this?
Clopin: (ticking off his fingers) Weeeeell...there was the time that you set fire to the matchmaker, then you dishonored your family, then you...
Mulan: Can it, Ye of Little Taste.

Clopin: Symbion

Tarzan: Oh-ho-ho. Just rub it in, why don't you?

>The dome was huge and orange, contrasting sharply with the red-orange of the surrounding landscape.

Tarzan: Red-orange and orange contrast sharply?
Mulan: (As author) Well, maybe not so sharply, but you get the idea.

>Pandora and Charles, dressed in the most stylish of spacesuits,

Clopin: Hopefully, helmets have gone out of style on Mars.

>held each other fearfully in front of it.
>"Charles, darling," Pandora said, fear showing in her voice, "What is that?"

Tarzan: (As Charles) It's the plot. Ignore it, maybe it will go away.

>"I don't know, but whatever it is, I don't think it's a natural geographic feature,

Clopin: (Sarcastic) What do you mean Charles? How could a huge orange dome not be natural?
Mulan: We're not even 15 lines into this, and Upchuck's vocabulary is already starting to annoy me.
Tarzan: 'Natural geographic feature?' Is that anything like a National Geographic feature?

>sweet baby," Charles replied. You could see fear in his voice

Mulan: Is she going for symbolism here or something?

>too, as well.

Tarzan: (as author) ...also, in addition to, likewise.

>As the pair looked on in fear,

Clopin: (As author) Neo Sapien E-Frames rushed out of the dome and opened fire on them.
Mulan: Clopin, isn't it a bit early to start killing off the 'heroes?'
Clopin: It's never too early to kill Upchuck.

>the dome suddenly levitated approximately 30 feet (10 m)

Mulan: Pandora is considerate to our neighbors across the pond.
Clopin: Hey! Some of us needed that!
Tarzan: Actually, 30 feet is closer to 9.144 meters.

>as if inviting

Clopin: How does levitation constitute an invitation?

>the fear-stricken couple to come inside, where glittering neon-colored bulidings

Tarzan: Hey Pandora, most computers come with a spell-checker. Try using it.

>rose into the sky.

Mulan: So, they walked into a Martian version Las Vegas?

>"Wow, we must have tripped a laser or something, baby," Charles told his lover.

Clopin: (As Charles, stoned) ...Or maybe we're just trippin'.

>Just then, a most beautiful woman stepped out from under the dome's shadow.

Tarzan: Jane Porter?
Clopin: Esmerelda?
Tarzan: Akima?
Clopin: Jessica Rabbit?
Tarzan: Mary Jane Watson?
Clopin: Belle?
Mulan: Me?
[Beat.]
Clopin: Um, probably not.
Mulan: Quit stomping on my dreams, Frenchy.

>The woman was tall and statuesque, with a full, curvy body and a narrow waist.

Tarzan: ::Whistles::
Clopin: (Suave) Very nice...
Mulan: (Disgusted) Can't be any narrower than Meg's though. Anorexic bimbette...

>She had dark forest green hair, pearly skin, and large, strangly colored aquamarine eyes.

Mulan: Tarzan, I just have to ask: Is Daria anime?
Tarzan. No... Just a very stylized American show. But not that stylized...

> Her lips were full, and they were strikingly blood-red against the pale, flawless skin.

Mulan: (Deadpan) Gee, why am I not surprised.

>She wore an outfit strangely reminiscent of old days on Earth, perhaps the 1800s,

Mulan: (As author) ...Or perhaps the 1300's. I'm really not sure.
Clopin: Hey, the 1800's. This is your time, Tarzan.
Tarzan: No! Pandora, you've already butchered my favorite show! Please don't butcher my time period!

>but modernized.

Clopin: (While looking at Tarzan) So basically, she's wearing a spandex loincloth...
Tarzan: Shut up!

>Her brocade skirt was pale blue with red brocading and her top was of the same pale blue material. Her high platform sandals

Mulan: Platform sandals?! Girl, get some fashion sense.

>were see-through plastic in pale blue and red.

Mulan: See-through plastic platform sandals... I think I'm going to puke.
Clopin: (Condescending) That's why I gave you an air-sickness bag...

>She wore an odd headress

Tarzan: Head-ress? What's a head-ress? Or does that say "hea-dress"?

>and necklace, both in the same colors as her dress.

Tarzan: Well, at least she's color coordinated.
Mulan: Unlike our little French friend, with his amazing, technicolor dream tights.
Clopin: You're just jealous because I look good in this, and you'd just look stupid...

>All in all, the whole outfit was mostly in the colors of pale blue and red.

Tarzan: (As Wayne) NO WAAAY!

>"Hello," she said in a voice as smooth as honey. "I am Princess Livedevol-Naitram.

Clopin: ::gasp:: It's Martian Lovedevil spelled backwards! Pandora has gotten cleverer since the last we saw her!!
Mulan: (playing along) Clopin! You're ruining the surprise!

> You, I have no doubt,

Tarzan: (singing) Sorry, I’m not home right now, I’m walkin’ in the spiderwebs so leave a message and I’ll call you back.

>are the new ruler of Earth - or shall I say Chucktopia -

Clopin: Please, don't.

>and his consort. Welcome to Marsbase, Charels

Mulan: Certainly she didn't...
Tarzan: ::gasp:: She misspelled her darling's name!

>and.

Tarzan: (scolding) Never end a sentence with “and”! Didn't you learn anything in English?
Clopin and Mulan: No.
Clopin: Why? Does anyone?

>Pandora.
>The princess smiled briefly,

Clopin: Before remembering she still had braces and looked really stupid.

>revealing teeth of the palest blue.

Tarzan: (as Livedevol-Naitram's mother) How many times do I have to tell you? Don't put on lipstick while driving!

>Pandora couldn't say for sure, but she thought that maybe, just perhaps, they were.pointed. Pandora didn't like the way that the >princess looked at her

Mulan: Then you're going to hate the way I'm looking at you, Pan-dork-a.
Clopin: (Under his breath) And she gets on my case for being rude...

>or the way she said her name.

Mulan: ...Or the way she misspelled Charles' name.

>And she certainly didn't like the possibility of her having pointed like a bat.

Clopin: And just how, precisely, would one go about pointing like a bat?

>Pandora hated bats, even though she knew that most of them ate fruit, not the flesh of humans.

Tarzan: Actually, most of them eat bugs.

>But then she looked at her eyes.
>"Äquamarine," she thought to herself, "the color of Christ.

Tarzan: It is?
Mulan: Frenchy? You've lived around churches, can you confirm that?
Clopin: Um, actually, that sort of thing never came up...

>She can't be that bad.

Mulan: Uh, yes she can. And probably is.
Tarzan: Quotation marks! Quotation marks, people!

>"Come," said the princess,

Mulan: (Warning) Clopin, not one word.
Clopin: (Indignant) Do you really think I'd say something that tasteless?
Mulan: (Blunt) Yes.
Tarzan: She's got you there, pal.

>walking over to Charles and taking his arm. "I must show you the city."

Tarzan: Um, has anyone else noticed that this whole story revolves around having a city on Mars? And that it appears to be inhabited by humans? And that this is supposed to be in the Daria continuum?
Mulan: Yes, but it really hurts to think about such things.

>As she led Charles away,

Clopin: (As author) ...Towards the guillotine...

>the princess moved closer to him so that their bodies were touching in some places like their hips,

Clopin: (As author) ...Hands, arms, chests, mouths, tongues...
Mulan: (Disgusted) I did not need that mental image, Frenchy.

>but not in their waists because they both has pretty narrow waists,

Clopin: (as author, hick accent) Ah ain't nevuh seed two naruh-er waists in awl uh mah liahf!

>except Charles' was muscular and narrow,

Tarzan: Pandora, have you ever actually watched Daria? Upchuck is skinny as a twig! There is no muscle in him!

>but the princess's was just narrow.

Mulan: (Grumbling) Anorexic, waif...

>Pandora didn't like that either, so she quickly followed her lover and the woman who was now competition for her into the dome,

Tarzan: Competition for her into the dome? What the hell is an "into the dome"?
Clopin: And since when did this turn into a sporting event?

>which closed when she was only a few inches inside. This did not help to ease her feeling that something was very, very wrong >with this strange place called Marsbase.

Tarzan: What exactly is it a base of? Is there a military on Mars?

>* * *

Clopin: Three stars? I think that's being a bit too generous.
Mulan: Clopin, this is going to be bad enough without you making fun of the dividers...

>Charles was not sure what had taken over his brain,

Tarzan: Well, duh! It was a Yeerk!
Mulan: A what?!
Tarzan: A Yeerk. They crawl into your ear and take over your mind.
Mulan: Dear, have you been watching Snick again?
Tarzan: (embarrassed) Um...no. No, I haven't.

>but he was sure that something had.

Clopin: But...how do you take over a non-existent brain?

>He now reflected that he could not even remember who Pandora was.

Tarzan: Now, that was a well thought out sentence.

>In fact, the only thing he could concentrate on was the princess: her beauty, her smell,

Mulan: No comment.

>and her presence. She smelled like coconuts and oranges, both at the same time,

Tarzan: (As author) ... In conjunction, simultaneously, concurrently...

>though he thought that she might smell a little more like cocnuts than oranges, and it might have been lemons not oranges, after >all, but he wasn't sure.

Mulan: Pandora seems pretty indecisive in her writing, doesn't she?
Tarzan: (Awed) Wow... That sentence was almost 4o words long...

>In any case, he thought he was in love, so her leaned down and

Tarzan: (as author) ...her bited he neck!

>purred gently in her ear.

All: Huh?
Mulan: How can she purr in her own ear?

>She smiled at him and squeezed his arm.

Tarzan: (As author) ...Applying a devastating hammerlock that broke his arm in seconds!

>"Oh, you're a sexy one, aren't you?"

All: (decisively) No!

>she returned.

Clopin: (as author) ...to her usual vegetable state.

>* * *

Clopin: Star light, star bright, third star I've seen tonight...
Mulan: Stop it.

>They were led to a beautiful stainless steel palace

Clopin: For some reason, stainless steel doesn't strike me as a material used for palaces.
Mulan: Maybe they just couldn't afford anything better...

>with windows and doors made of huge rubies

Mulan: ...Or maybe they blew their wad on the ruby doors...

>where they were served

Clopin: (as author) ...To an enormous, mutant star goat!
Tarzan: (thoroughly impressed) Cool! How'd you come up with that one?!
Mulan: (bluntly) He didn't.

>an elegant feast.
>Apparently, the princess was having a party, because there were a lot of people there, too.

Tarzan: (Exasperated) On Mars?! Will Pandora please explain what PEOPLE are doing on MARS?!
Mulan: Relax, Tarzan. She probably just means lots of Martians.
Tarzan: (Exasperated) Then would Pandora please explain why the Martians are welcoming Upchuck into their inner sanctum after he just CONQUERED EARTH?!
Mulan: (sighs)

>After dinner, there was a lot of festivity and dancing,

Clopin: (as author) ...and drinking and promiscuous behavior...

>and everyone was having so much fun that they never noticed a beautiful girl with long strawberry blonde

Tarzan: (Exasperated) Strawberries are RED! Not blond, RED!
Mulan: Calm down Tarzan...

>hair being led away through a hidden door in the room by two evil-looking guards.

Tarzan: Nobody noticed? Not even the guards? And what about Pandora?
Mulan: Well, I can see how Pandora would miss something like that.
Clopin: Just once, I'd like to see a couple of happy, care-free guards in a story...

>* * *

[Clopin's puppet appears in the seat next to Clopin and begins singing.]
Puppet: When you wish upon three stars...
Mulan: (Growling) One more divider joke, and I'm going to sharpen my katana on your ribs, Frenchy.
[Clopin sullenly puts his puppet down.]

>Octavia Ruttheimer

Clopin: Ooh, 'Octavia.' The Martians gave Charles eight arms and a sex change!
Mulan: (Disgusted) Clopin...

>adjusted her black rectangular framed glasses and pushed strands of her short, curly orange hair

Mulan: (Exasperated) Enough with the bizarre hair colors! I want a character with normal hair! NORMAL HAIR!
Tarzan: (singing) Normal hair. Nor-MAL HAIR. NORMAL HAIR. NOOOORMAAAAL HAAAAAIR!
Clopin: (Amused) This fic is really getting to you two, isn't it?
Mulan: (Angry) Shut up, Frenchy!

>out of her eyes as she sat typing in her room. She could well remember that time just a few yearss

Clopin: (As announcer) Pandora: Human or snake? We'll find out on 'World's Scariest Fanfic Authors.' Next, on Fox.

>ago when she had gone to be a counselor at a summer camp

Clopin: Camp Onawana?
[Beat.]
Tarzan: (Puzzled) Well, that was obscure...
Mulan: (Equally puzzled) And completely unrelated to anything mentioned so far... Well, I assume it isn't...

>for three weeks. When the three weeks were over, all of the other counselors, as well as the kids, were

Mulan: (As author) ...Rushed to the nearest hospital for treatment after a bad case of anthrax broke out.

>picked up by relatives. Octavia wasn't.

Mulan: (As Author) ...And thus, poor Octavia died.
Clopin: (Amused) Mulan just killed off one of the characters... Cool! She's snapped!
Mulan: Oh, be quiet.

>She had at first thought that it was a misunderstanding, that surely in a few hours, days at the longest, her family would pick her >up and apologize.

Tarzan: HA! Misunderstanding, my a—
Mulan: Tarzan…

>But it didn't take now 20-year-old Octavia long to figure out that her family had, in fact, forgotten her - she was smart in that way.

Mulan: Oh come on! Even Gaston is smart in THAT way.

>She soon adapted to her new life in the wilderness,

Tarzan: (Proud) Hail, fellow Outdoorsman!

>living some off the land and mostly off the camp's cafeteria food that they left there year after year.

Tarzan: Eeeww!
Clopin: I wonder if that causes some sort of mutation?
Mulan: Oh, it couldn't have been too bad. ...Unless the Chinese army donated some of their travel rations to the camp...

>But then, a month prior to now, the Martians had beamed her up

Tarzan: Beam me up, Scottie!

>to their planet.

Clopin: (As random Martian) Hey, screw all this flying saucers garbage, we've got planet-to-planet teleportation now!

>She had been walking in the woods, trying to find some edible tree bark to supplement her diet of cafeteria food

Tarzan: Yeah, finding edible tree bark takes a lot of time. Most of it’s full of dirt and bugs and stuff...
Clopin: That's just disgusting...
Mulan: As if a snail eater like you has any room to talk...
Clopin: Bite me, Ms. Rice-a-Roni!

>when a strange green light enveloped her. She knew enough about alien abductions not to struggle or fight the green beam,

Clopin: (As author) ...Or the dozen or so anal probes...
Tarzan: Ew...

>and she was soon standing in what she now called home - the mysterious city called Marsbase.

Tarzan: 'Mysterious' being the operative word, since Pandora still hasn't explained JUST WHAT THE HECK A CITY IS DOING ON MARS AND WHY ITS CALLED A 'BASE!'
Clopin: (Amused) Cool, Tarzan's snapped too. I'm the only sane guy in the theater. Heh, heh...

>After she got there, it was explained to her that the Martians had long been analyzing the DNA of all of the human-like creatures in >the solar system

Tarzan: Just how many 'human-like creatures' ARE there in this solar system anyway?

>in hopes that they would find the perfect male. Octavia was the closest that they had found so far,

Tarzan: Wait a minute! This Ruttheimer chick is the closest thing to the perfect male...?!
Clopin: Obviously, they weren't looking hard enough.

>and she was not male, but they beamed her up anyway.

Clopin: (As random Martian) Damn! We picked up another woman. The boss still hasn't forgiven me for that Ping incident a few years ago...
Mulan: Oh, shut up.

>She had a good life here on Marsbase, after all, she had everything she wanted:

Mulan: (as author) …fame…
Tarzan: (as author) …fortune…
Clopin: (as author) …festivities…
Tarzan: (as author) …sex…
Clopin: (as author) …drugs…
Mulan: (as author) …rock and roll…
Tarzan: (as author) …Artie the Skinless Wonder…
Clopin and Mulan: What?!
Tarzan: Never mind.

>a typewriter, plenty of her favorite white capri pants and red polka dotted shirts (although she did have to craft her own red and >white platform boots

Mulan: This fic is turning into a fashion show. A bad one, at that.

>using paint in the colors,

Clopin: ...Of the wind?
Tarzan: I've never quite understood how that was done...

>an old pair of galoshes, and some wooden platform-shaped blocks), all of the fiber bars she could eat, and.Elvis.

[All burst out laughing at this absurdity.]

>Octavia had always been absolutelt

Mulan: Is that French?
Clopin: (indignant) Absolutely not!
Tarzan: (ignoring him) Sounds more German to me.
Mulan: (also ignoring him) Point taken. Any idea what it means?
Tarzan: Nada.

> fascinated with Elvis Presley, and,

Clopin: (As author) ...His enormously fat gut.

>whenever she visited her grandmother at whatever town he used to live in, she would spend the entire time outside the gates of >Graceland,

Mulan: Presumably then, her grandmother lived in Graceland.

>waiting for him to come home.

Tarzan: (Elated) Who-HOO! That sentence hit the 40-word mark!
Clopin: (Equally elated) All Right!
[Tarzan and Clopin high-five.]
Mulan: (Confused) And, how is that a good thing?
Tarzan: Ah, who cares? It’s something to celebrate!

>When someone finally explained to her that he was dead, she had a nervous breakdown and had to be hospitalized from the time >she was seven to when she was eighteen.

[Clopin points and laughs at Octavia's suffering.]
Mulan: Clopin, try to show a little compassion...

>When she was released. She went straight to the ill-fated summer camp.

Tarzan: (Depressed) This isn't a Daria fanfic, this is a Sick-Sad-World fanfic...

>Thus, the only memories she had of her little brother Charles were

Clopin: (As author) ...Of him crying after he wet his bed. [beat] ...Uh, Mulan?
Mulan: If you're waiting for me to argue with that, you're going to be waiting a long time.

>clouded by her period of insanity, and his were limited because of his young age (only 4) when she was taken away.

Tarzan: So the integrity of Upchuck's memories are dependent of his sisters presence?
Mulan: I think the author was trying to say that Charles doesn't remember his sister.
Tarzan: Oh...

>And when she was beamed up, the first question she asked was, of course, if they had Elvis here,

Mulan: (as author) "Yes, in fact we do," they informed her, seconds before removing her brain and replacing it with grape Kool-Aid.
Clopin: (As author) Then came the anal probes.
Tarzan: Eeewww...

>for she knew he wasn't really dead.

Clopin: (as author) He was just kind of deceased.

>It turned out that they did, in fact, have him at Marsbase. You see, the Martians had been looking for the perfect male for awhile >now

Mulan: (under breath) What lead them here?

>and when they heard of "the King" from Earth, thet decided there was a pretty good chance that he was it.

[OHs are again laughing.]

>So, they went down to Earth, staged his death, and beamed him up.

Clopin: Considering how Elvis 'died,' I'd say the Martians have a really sick sense of humor.

>However, they found that his body wasn't in a very youthful state, so they made him young, handsome, and svelte

Mulan: Have either of you two ever heard that word outside of this girl's fics?
Clopin: I'm thinking she made it up.
Tarzan: Excuse me! I believe I said it last time.
Clopin: Okay, I apologize. You made it up.

>again and instilled in him a love of heathfulness

Tarzan: Mmmm...Heath...

>and healthy food so he wouldn't get fat again. But, after all their trouble, they dissapointedly discovered that he was only the >second most perfect male.

Clopin: ::snort:: We all knew that!
Tarzan: (beaming) Yeah! I'm the perfect male!
Clopin: Sorry, Jungle Boy, but that title belongs to Yours Truly.
Tarzan: In your dreams!
Clopin: (heavy sarcasm) Ooh! Good comeback!
Mulan: Okay, guys. Break it up. We'll do something about this in a minute.

>But they kept him on Marsbase because he liked it there and his singing was very entertaining,

Tarzan: (whispering) I'm cuter.

>so when Octavia arrived, she beacame his girlfriend.

Mulan: (Bitter) Of course she did. ...Stroppy nymph...

>Just then, Elvis walked into the room.

Mulan: (As announcer) Ladies and gentlemen, Elvis has entered the building.
[All cheer loudly]

>"Hello, my Lovely Lady Lucky Eight!" he greeted he as he always did, and kissed her.

Clopin: (also whispering) I am!

>"Hi, Elvis darling. How's the new song going?"

Mulan: (As Elvis) Not good. 'Blue Suede Platform Shoes' just doesn't have a good ring to it.
Tarzan: Mulan, can we leave yet?
Mulan: After the next break.

>* * *

Tarzan: Lets move, people!
Mulan: Well, that was quick...

[DOL. Scene opens with Mulan standing in the middle of the room with a microphone and dressed in a particularly loud plaid suit. The bridge is decorated as a sort of beauty pageant runway type thing with two catwalks coming from opposite sides of the room and meeting in the middle. Curtains hide the hallways on either side.]
Mulan: (announcer voice {continues through scene}) Welcome, all, to the First Annual Dungeon of Love Manly Man Competition, where we will decide once and for all who is the perfect specimen. Our judges this evening are Genie, Gaston, and Gizmoduck.

[Cut to Tower 13. The said three are sitting at a desk. Gaston is admiring himself in a desk mirror much like "WKRP"'s Herb had. Gizmoduck waves to the camera.]

[DOL.]
Mulan: (accusingly) And let it be known that if there is one single Ping joke, I will kill every one of you.

[Tower 13. Genie holds his hands up innocently. Gizmo’s look says “who, me?” Gaston is examining his fingernails. Back to DOL.]

Mulan: The rules of the game are simple: each competitor has 30 seconds to prove to our judges here that he is the sexiest man alive. But, do keep it clean. So, with out further ado, the competition!
[A very cheezy clap track is flipped on, then off again.]
Mulan; In this corner, we have the challenger: Prince of Primates, Chief of Chimps, Sovereign of Simians, Tarzan, King of the Jungle!
[Tarzan comes through one of the curtains and down the catwalk as the clap track is turned on again, thumping his chest and making gorilla noises.]
Clopin: (off screen) But, I thought King Kong was King of the Jungle.
Mulan: (glaring) I know you didn’t just make a Rugrats reference. [beat.] And in this corner, we have our returning champion, everyone’s favorite court jester, Clopin, King of the Fools!
Clopin: (dancing on stage to the sound of tambourines; under his breath to Mulan) Flattery will get you nowhere, my dear.
Mulan: (looking smug) Tarzan, would you like to begin?
Tarzan: Yes. Thank you. I will be showing the tree surfing scene from my movie, Mulan.
Mulan: Alright!
[Clip rolls. When it finishes, shot cuts back to the DOL. Tarzan is flexing his muscles for the camera.]
Mulan: Thank you, Tarzan. Clopin?
Clopin: I will be reading a few excerpts from various places on the Infobahn. [clears throat.] Roaming Tigress says: “What makes Clopin attractive to me is that he's got a great singing voice and a wonderful, lively personality. He's pretty cute, too.” Phorum Ghost Pierrette writes “What drew me to Clopin was the color mixed with mystery. He's not one of those characters that Disney spelled out for us. Why the devil does…” Eh heh. I’ll just skip this next part. Um…finally, ToonQueen says it all with: “He's just all around cool, he's been around the block, knows human nature, but is fun.” How true. How very true.
Mulan: (raising an eyebrow) Alrighty. Judges, please make your final decisions…now.

[Tower 13. Rasputin collects the ballots, which have been folded and placed in envelopes.]

[DOL.]
Mulan: Sir, if you will?

[Tarzan and Clopin look as if they are about to wet their pants in anticipation. Cut to Tower 13. The 3 G's have begun a drum roll]
Rasputin: Here's one vote for...Tarzan.

[DOL. Tarzan is shown dancing around triumphantly and thrusting his fists in the air. Return to Tower 13.]
Rasputin: And this one says...Clopin.

[DOL. Clopin looks smug. Very smug. Back to Tower 13.]
Rasputin: And finally, our deciding vote...it could go either way on this one, folks... The last ballot says...

[DOL. Mulan, Tarzan, and Clopin are fairly eating their fingers.]
Tarzan: Oh, please, oh, please, oh, please!
Clopin: Come on! Come on!

[Tower 13. The drum roll has reached a climax such that Rasputin is yelling over it.]
Rasputin: KNOCK IT OFF!
[3 G's cease drumming.]
Rasputin: Now, as I was saying...the winner is... (unfolds paper) GASTON!?!

[DOL. Tarzan and Clopin imitate DW and Quiverwing at the end of "Paint Misbehaving", except they aren't sitting down. Tower 13. Gaston looks very self-satisfied and resumes primping.]
Rasputin: (laughs) That was pretty cute. But you realize that I will have to kill you. [Begins beating him over the head with a couch cushion.]
Gaston: (shielding his hair) No!!! Not the hair! I just had it done!
Genie: (to Tarzan and Clopin) Sorry, guys.
[Cut away to Genie and Gizmoduck.]
Gizmo: Yeah. I thought one of you would win it for sure.
Genie: Uh, Gizz...
Gizmo: Yes, Gene?
Genie: Never mind.
Gizmo: (chasing after him as he walks away) What? Tell me! Please?

[DOL. Mulan is comforting Tarzan while Clopin watches some magic show, seemingly unperturbed. The Bells start up. The gypsy sighs and turns off the TV.]
Mulan: (condoling) Come on, Tarz. It's okay. We need to go into the theater, alright?
Tarzan: (as they walk towards the theater) But, this means that I'm at most #3. ELVIS beat me!
Mulan: (puts her arm around his shoulder) It's going to be fine. No one won. Stop crying!

[All enter. Mulan is shushing Tarzan.]

>Pandora was led into a small cell by the evil-looking

Mulan: (as author)...transport proteins.

>guards.

Clopin: (As guard) You will wait here while the anal probes are prepared. And don't worry too much, one out five people we try this on actually enjoys it.
Tarzan: Eww...
Mulan: (Annoyed) Clopin, can the anal probe jokes.

>The cell had a window when they threw her in, but, when they locked the door, it turned from a ruby to a sort of see-through >stainless steel.

Clopin: (Sarcastic) So, let me get this straight. Starfleet uses transparent aluminum, while Martians use transparent steel? Makes sense to me.
Tarzan: ...Actually, it kind of does...

>Then, she had a vision

Clopin: A vision?!
Mulan: The author's just randomly handing out powers now... I swear, this IS anime. Any moment people will be jumping fifty feet straight into the air, throwing spirit bombs at each other, turning into concept sketches during dramatic moments...

>that she had been seeing the beginning of lately but which always ended before she could make anything of it.

Tarzan: Clopin, you called it the first paragraph. Charles and Pandora ARE tripping.

>Mist

Clopin: All right, we will!
Tarzan: With a vengeance!

>clouded over her eyes and she saw the princess walking through the

Tarzan: (as author) … large pile of dog droppings.
Mulan: Grow up.

>mist

Mulan: Well, okay, but only because you're so insistent...

>with something written on her chest

Tarzan: 'I'm with Stupid?'
Mulan: More like 'I'm Stupid."
Clopin: (As Bill Engvall) Heeeere's your sign.

>that Pandora couldn't quite make out but soon realized was the princess's name: Livedevol-Naitram.

Clopin: Martian Lovedevil!

>Suddenly, the princess flip-flopped and became a mirror image of herself, and it was all too clear to Pandora what the princess's >true name was.

Clopin: (slowly) Maaaar-tiannnn Llllllooooove-deeeee-viiiiiilllll.
Mulan: Naw, I think it’s Jolene.
Tarzan: Or Tina.
Mulan: (shaking head) Chel.
Tarzan: Kim Kelly.
Mulan: Lila.
Tarzan: Monique.
Mulan: Jean Gray.
Tarzan: LeeLee Greenwell.
Clopin: Nope. It’s definitely Martian Love-devil.

>Mist that was red as blood covered

Tarzan: (as author) ...the fanfic.

>the princess's form and the vision ended, leaving Pandora collapsed on the floor

Clopin: (As author) ...Dead.

>and gasping for breath.

Clopin: (As author) ...Almost dead.

>She would have to act fast, for Charles was in great danger. She would save her love from this monster, this...

Clopin: Martian Love-devil!
Tarzan: Cummon…Say it…
Clopin: Love-devil.

>Martian Lovedevil.

Clopin: (muttering) About friggin time...

>* * *

>Charles had had an enchanting evening dining and dancing with the lovely princess.

Clopin: Jasmine?
Tarzan: Ariel?
Clopin: Aurora?
Tarzan: Eilonwi?
Clopin: Anastasia?
Tarzan: Angelina Cantessa Louisa Francesca Banana-fanna-fo-fesca, the Third?
Mulan: Me?
Clopin: Uh, Mulan, you're not a princess.
Mulan: Yeah, yeah, yeah...

>He had seen Pandora being led off by guards, but because he didn't know who she was anymore, he didn't notice it.

Tarzan: So, not knowing someone makes it impossible to notice them?

>Later that night, the princess took him into her chambers and they talked for a long time, only Charles was the one who did most >of the talking

Clopin: (Suave) I think I can guess why the princess wasn't talking much. Heh, heh... [Beat] Wait a minute, she was doing that to Charles Rut--Hurk! [Clopin frantically grabs his airsickness bag and begins puking in it.]
Tarzan (Looking at Clopin) What the...
Mulan: A victim of his own sick imagination...

>and she just asked a bunch of questions about his life and stuff.

Clopin: (Recovering) That... Was... Disgusting...
Mulan: (Mocking) Y'know, for someone who eats snails, you have a remarkably weak stomach.

>After that, Princess Livedevol-Naitram

Tarzan: Livedevol-Naitram, the soothing heartburn medication.

>picked up a silver and ruby brush with pure gold bristles, let down all her really long hair that smelled like coconuts and citrus fruit

Mulan: Yes, yes, we went over that part already...

>and asked Charles to brush it for her. He did and was so enthralled

Tarzan: You know, for someone with the IQ of a bucket of mayonnaise, this girl has a damn good vocab.
Mulan: (throwing hands into the air) I give up.

>with her that he never noticed the tiny tendrils

Tarzan: “Tendrils.” Does that make anyone else think of shrimp?
Mulan: (raising eyebrow) Um...no.
Clopin: (Ill) Tarzan...

>of amost see-through hair creeping around his body like a net, nor that her aquamarine eyes were slowly turning as red as blood.

Mulan: Oh, I can see how he would miss that.

>* * *
>Pandora sat in her cell, thinking hard.

Tarzan: Think hard now, Pandora. Think really hard, you poor dope. Scan that scrap heap you call a br--
Mulan: (cutting him off) Tarzan, dear, we've already stolen their concept. What say we leave their comments alone, alright?

>Then, she realized that her magnetic health bracelet was really bothering her, so she took it off and

Clopin: (as author)...called her lawyer. She was awarded 2.5 million.

>started tapping it on the wall, just out of boredom.

Tarzan: (Sniffing) Hm... I smell a plot devise coming.

>Shockingly, however, when she got to the window, her hand went straight through!

Tarzan: (Triumphant) I was right!

>She realized that the window was actually a force field

Clopin: Ooh... Anyone else having a Titan AE flashback?
Mulan: Now that you mention it, yeah...
Tarzan: Cool! Maybe the field will shock her and knock her across the room!

>and that the magnet in her bracelet activated it and let her go into another room in the palace.

Mulan: Rats...
Clopin: So much for this turning into Titan.
Tarzan: Well, there's still some hope. Maybe Elvis will inexplicably turn evil and snap Charles' neck.

>Although she had no idea what this room was,

Tarzan: Or anything else, for that matter.

>she decided that going to it was her only chance,

Mulan: (as author) After all, if she avoided everything she didn’t understand, she’d still be curled up in the fetal position, sucking her thumb.

>so she closed her eyes, took a deep breath, and leaped through.

Clopin: (As author) ...And found herself outside the Marsbase dome. Her death was slow and painful.

>She found herself in a room whose walls were entirely covered with Elvis

Tarzan: Eww... Octavia must have snapped or something...

>posters. The only other occupant of this room was a young woman who was typing as a desk and who bore a remarkable >resmblance to

Tarzan: ...The author?
Clopin: Whoa... The Self Insertion character meeting the actual author... Trippy...
Mulan: That's one heck of a way to break the forth wall.

>Charles.

Tarzan: ...The co-author?
Mulan: And there's another way. Don't do that again, Tarzan.

>The sound of landing in the room made her turn around, but she did not seem upset or startled by the fact that a complete >stranger had just fallen out of her wall.

Clopin: (As author) For she knew that the Sliders were real, and one day they would come for her.

>"Hi! Are you related to Charles?"

Clopin: (As Pandora) ...Manson?

>asked a bewildered Pandora.
>"Yes, in fact, I am his long-lost sister. My name is Octavia Ruttheimer. And you?"
>"I'm Pandora, Charles' lover.

Clopin: (as Octavia) Nice to meet you, Pandora Charleseslover. That's a funny last name there. Is it Polish?
Mulan: Does this girl even have a last name?
Tarzan: “Spocks”.
Mulan: What?
Tarzan: “Spocks”. Her last name is “Spocks”.
Mulan: Ah.
Tarzan: (a la Crow) Rasputin told me.

>Please, you must help me, for Charles is in great danger."

Mulan: Pandora Spocks. ::snort:: Cute.

>Pandora explained all about her situation and Octavia instantly agreed to help.

Mulan: (As Octavia) Yes, strange woman with unnatural hair, I trust you implicitly...

>So, then, Octavia called Elvis in and he said he'd help too. And so they got to work.

Clopin: Eh, I don't want to touch that one...

>Fortunately, Octavia knew of a small duct that they could go through to get to the princess's chambers. However, they found that >the duct was too unstable to hold but one of them,

Tarzan: (As author) Sadly, they learned this when the duct collapsed under them as they all crawled in. Their deaths were quick and messy.

>so Pandora would have to go alone.

Clopin: (Deep voice) And then there was one...

>On learning this, Octavia said, Elvis and I both know how to pilot a spaceship, and I know of a small one that has no one guarding >it.

Clopin: (as Octavia) It is, however, being watched carefully by a two, a three, and a four.

>We can go and get that so that, after you rescue Charles, we can escape in that."

Tarzan: Oh, I see! Pandora has thought everything since "She can't be that bad"
Clopin: (To Mulan) What is he talking about?
Mulan: A missing quotation mark or two, I think.

>Pandora said, "Oh, that would be wonderful. You guys are such great
>friends. Now, please help me into this duct."

Clopin: (As author) "Will do," replied Elvis, as he sliced her up with a laser cutter and stuffed her remains in the duct.
Mulan: (Sarcastic) Well, that was a tasteful way to end a segment.
Clopin: Who cares. Lets just get out of here.

[All Exit]

[DOL main. Mulan and Clopin are sitting around discussing the fic. Mulan has a cup of tea, while Clopin is working on a Brewski(TM).]

Clopin: ...Look, all I'm saying is that this fic DESERVES all the death riffs its getting. I mean, look at all the insipid, one-dimensional characters in it. The whole thing is just one big, poorly written fan-girl's demented fantasy.
Mulan: I'm not arguing that. I fully agree that it’s a horrible fic. But does that really warrant killing off the author every other sentence?
Clopin: I think it does.
Mulan: ::sighs::
Clopin: Heck, I wouldn't be surprised a group of real Daria fans out there haven't started writing anti-fics about--

[Clopin is interrupted by Tarzan madly dashing on-screen.]

Tarzan: (Hyper) Guys! Guysguysguysguys!
Clopin: (Cringing after dropping his drink in surprise) Gah! What?!
Tarzan: (Hyper) You've gotta come see this! Hurryhurryhurry!

[Tarzan grabs Clopin and practically drags off-screen. Mulan calmly sets down her tea and follows. Camera pans to the side, showing Tarzan crouched in front of a computer, with a perturbed looking Clopin standing next to him.]

Clopin: (Snide) Alright, Jungle Boy, what's so important it couldn't wait the ten seconds it would've taken me to WALK here?
Tarzan: (Proud, pointing to the screen) This! Check it out!

[Mulan sits in the chair in front of the screen, while Clopin reads over her shoulder.]

Mulan: Hmm... Looks like a webpage...
Clopin: (Reading) Hmm, marsbase.com/ind--Marsbase?!
Tarzan: (Excited) Yeah! I figured that I'd check the net to see if I could find any info on this 'Marsbase' thing. Y'know, to see if it was all Pandora's idea, or if there was something else behind it. And there is! Check it out, Charles and Pandora actually stumbled into the headquarters of the SpaceCorps 137th Battalion!
Mulan: (Interested) Cool. (Begins looking through the page)
Clopin: (Condescending) Now Tarzan, do you really think that a girl like Pandora would--
Mulan: (Interrupting) Whoa! Check out these battle-suits! Man, I wish I had had one of these Crusaders during the war. I would have stomped all over those Huns!
Tarzan: A Crusader? Mulan, they've got MUCH better than that! Check out the Rapier! Or the Ronin!
Mulan: They look good, but I wouldn't have wanted to maneuver those through the mountains. Still, if one of those showed up in the fanfic...
Clopin: Uh, Mulan...
Tarzan: Hey, the story's at Marsbase! Some of these babies have GOT to show up.
Clopin: Uh, Tarzan...
Mulan: (Amused) Yeah... Just think of Elvis piloting a Ronin. He'd try to swivel his mechanical hips before firing!
Clopin: Uh, guys...
Tarzan: (Also amused) No, I think he'll take the Gekko. (As Elvis) Hey baby, lemme show ya ma Blue Suede Smartstick Missiles!
Clopin: (Exasperated) GUYS!

[Tarzan and Mulan stop talking and look at Clopin.]

Clopin: (Exasperated) Listen to yourselves! You're carrying on like you actually expect these things to show up in the fic!
Tarzan: But they have to! I mean, the story does take place at Marsbase... How could they not show up?
Clopin: (Deadpan) How could a Daria fanfic not mention Daria and end up on Mars?
Tarzan: (Suddenly very depressed) Oooooh...
Mulan: Well, Tarz, it was a nice interlude...

[Bells of Notre Dame begin ringing.]

Mulan: ...Which just ended. Come on boys, back to the theater.

[All Exit.]

[All Enter and take their seats.]

Tarzan: (Disappointed) I should never have gotten my hopes up.
Mulan: Oh, it'll be okay...

>The duct was yucky inside,

Tarzan: (As a ditz) It was icky...

>with a lot of dirt and these gross spiderwebs that stuck in her hair,

Clopin: By now, the Elvis fans and the spider sympathizers are lining up with torches.
Mulan: Mustn’t forget the three people who have actually sat here and read this far into the series.
Tarzan: You mean us?

>but Pandora would do anything for Charles.

[Clopin opens his mouth to speak but Mulan puts her hand over it]
Mulan: Don’t. Even.

> She quickly found the place where the duct had an opening in the princess's chambers. She silently dropped down into the room >behind the red velvet curtain that was used to conceal the ugly duct.

Mulan: 'The Ugly Ductling?' I don't know, it has a nice ring to it, but I just don't think the story would work.

>Pandora saw that, over in the corner, Charles was brushing the princess's long, silky, dark green hair and was clearly enjoying it >and this made her mad and sad at the same time.

Tarzan: Ooh! Nice use of rhyming words!
Mulan: Its sad when that's the best thing you can say about a story...

>In fact, she was so mad and sad that she walked right over to the pair,

Clopin: (As author) ...Pulled out an uzi, and gunned the two down in cold blood!

>who had their backs turned to her, and grabbed the brush right out of Charles' hand and

Tarzan: (As author) ...Impaled him with it!

>threw it on the floor.

Clopin: (Sarcastic) Temper, temper... Must be that time of the--Oof!
Mulan: (After elbowing Clopin) Don’t even go there.

>The princess turned around because when the brush fell on the ground, it made a noise which the princess heard and she wanted to find out what made the noise.

[Tarzan points and laughs at the sheer obviousness of the sentence.]
Clopin: Aren't those the lyrics to a They Might Be Giants song?

>When she turned around, she found herself looking into the mad and sad eyes of Pandora.

Tarzan: What was she doing in her eyes?
Clopin: And how did she lose herself?

>"You stole Charles from me!" Pandora said to the princess. "And you're really a devil!"

Clopin: Oh, touché.
Mulan: Nah. The DeVils had much better fashion sense than this girl.

>Even though she said this to the princess, Charles was the one who answered, which was kind of weird.

Clopin: Oh, yes. Frighteningly so.

>"Pandora," he said, "I don't care what you say about the princess

Tarzan: Cool. (Gets up) Hey Princess! You're a—
Mulan: (Interrupting) Keep it clean Tarzan... As much I probably would have agreed with you...

>because I'm in love with her. I don't need you anymore. In fact, I don't even know who you are!"

Clopin: (As Charles) ...Evidenced by the fact that I just called you by name.

>Pandora knelt down beside her love and took his face in her hands.

Tarzan: (as author) ...slicing a huge gash across his cheek with her dragon-woman claws from hell.

>"Oh Charles," she said, "You know that our love is much stronger than any devil magic.

Tarzan: (Cupping his hands) Buuuuullll--Shhhhhiiiii—
Mulan: (Warning) Tarzan...

>Please believe me when I tell you that you don't really love the princess - she just has you under the spell of her evil spell."

[Tarzan points and laughs again. Meanwhile, Clopin's Mini-me puppet pops up.]
Mini Me: Evil!
Mulan: (sighing) Oh, no. Not again.

>To reinforce her point, Pandora drew forth a red, heart-shaped powder compact from her purse,

Mulan: (Mumbling) Please don't let this turn into a Sailor Moon crossover. Please don't let this turn into a Sailor Moon crossover...

>opened it, and showed Charles their reflection together in its mirror, which looked really romantic because it was heart-shaped.

Tarzan: (Sarcastic) And isn't that what romance is all about...?

>This broke the princess's evil

Mini Me: Evil!

>spell.

Mulan: (as author) ...checker.
Tarzan: What spell checker?

>"You're right, Pandora," he said. "You are the one I truly love, my darling feisty baby. Princess, I don't need you anymore. I'm

Clopin: (As Charles) ...Dumping you like a sack of potatoes! So long, you fat-assed wench!
Mulan: (warning) Clopin…

>returning to the one I truly love."

Mulan: And so, the day is saved thanks to Pandora's heart shaped Deux Ex Machina...

>Howeverr,

Clopin: To 'err' is human...
Mulan: To 'moo,' bovine. [beat] What?

>when he tried to raise himself from the chair to embrace Pandora, he was snapped back into the sitting position by a horrible, >almost invisible net of hair which he hadn't noticed before.

Tarzan: Upchuck really isn't too bright...

>When Pandora turned around to protest to the princess about this,

Mulan: Like that would do a lot of good...

>she saw, much to her horror, that

Clopin: (Hopeful) ...Charles had turned into Chucky?

>the princess was going through a horrible change

Mulan: Look, its just a natural part of growing up. And besides, I really don't think a fanfic is any place to discuss that sort of thing.
Clopin: (Cautious) Um... Didn't you just tell me not to say anything like that?
Mulan: Oh, be quiet.

>that neither Pandora nor Charles had noticed before because they had been so wrapped up in each other's presence.

Tarzan: (grinning) What were they doing in each other’s presents?
Clopin: Hey! What did Eddie say about puns?
Tarzan: (playing along, as Servo) To shove them up my --
Mulan: Now, stop it!

>Even though before they hadn't noticed that her eyes had turned all red, they did now!

Mulan: Yeah, I’ll just bet they did.

>And then they noticed that the red from her blood-red lips was at first slowly but then quickly seeping and dripping throughout her >skin like blood,

Mini Me: Eeeeww…

>and her skin soon became all red too.

Tarzan: 35 words. Close, but we've had longer.

>Then they noticed that her headress had split in the middle and become black and pointy so now it was two horns and that she >has suddenly grown a tail.

Mulan: Not only did that not make sense, it changed tense.
Tarzan: Mulan! You--
Mulan: (burying head in hands) I know. I rhymed.

>Next, they noticed that her sandals had melded onto her feet

Mulan: That's what you get for wearing plastic sandals on a hot summer day.

>and transformed into black cloven hoofs, that her fingernails got black and clawlike,

Clopin: (coming up) I was under the impression that they already were.
Mulan: No, that's Pandora. We've moved on to Livedevol-Naitram.
Clopin: Oh, I get so confused! [ducks below the seat again.]

>that her ears became big and pointy, and that her teeth did turn out to be pointy like a bat's,

Tarzan: (Deep, feminine voice) I'm Batman!

>which Pandora hated.

Clopin: Yes, we've firmly established that Pandora hates bats. Lets move on now.

> Finally they noticed that all the princess-devil's hair turned black

Mulan: Finally, a normal color.

>before falling all out of her head.

Mulan: ...Or not...
Clopin: (As the princess) Damn! I knew I shouldn't have used that Nair shampoo!

>The fallen-out strands lifted themsleves up and flew over to Charles, where they joined the already existing hair-net to make an >even stronger and tighter net.

Tarzan: Wow! This fic brings new meaning to the word 'hairnet.'
Mulan: That was just dumb, Tarzan.

>The now fully transformed

[All imitate the 'Transformer' sound.]

>love devil advanced towards Charles and told him that "his little girlfriend was right about me" and that she intended to suck all his >blood and soul out.

Tarzan: Oh, oh, oh! Is she going to use one of those condom-things?
Mini Me: (as Servo) It’s the Sooooooooultakah!

>"You see," she said to them, "Every time my eyes get all red, it means that I have

Mulan: (As the princess) ...Run out of Clear Eyes.

>to feast. Fortunately, though, I don't have to eat very many times a year, which helps me stay thin and beautiful."

Mulan: She's a snake!

>"Oh," Charles said, "I was wondering why you didn't eat anything at dinner.

Tarzan: (as Charles) I just figured you were anorexic.

>But now I see, you ugly devil,

Mini Me: Evil!
Clopin: Oh, that says "devil". I'm sorry.

>that you were fasting so you could feast.on ME!"

Tarzan: Waitaminute! The author has already stated that the Martians were looking for the 'perfect male,' right?
Clopin: Right.
Tarzan: And the author has hinted that Upchuck is the perfect male, right?
Mulan: Right.
Tarzan: And that 'Livedevol' is the Martian Princess, and that she needs to feed periodically. Probably on males, right?
Clopin: Yeah.
Tarzan: And now she wants to eat Upchuck, right.
Mulan: Yup. And I say, good riddance.
Tarzan: So the whole reason the Martians were searching for the perfect male was so their princess could eat him?
Mulan: Uuumm... I guess...
Clopin: (To Tarzan) Well, bud, looks like it’s a good thing that little contest of ours fell through, huh?
Tarzan: Yeah, I guess it is...

>The love devil smiled an evil

Mini Me: Evil!
Mulan: Stop it.

>smile and nodded, then began walking towards him again and making sucking noises

Tarzan: (Chanting) Livedevol Sucks! Livedevol Sucks!

>with her lips like the witches did in "Hocus Pocus".

Mulan: (singing; as Bette Midler) I put a spell on you/And now you're mine!
Tarzan and Clopin: (singing backup) Watch out, watch out, watch out, watch out, she ain't lyin'

>Charles started looking kind of washed-out

Tarzan: (as author) Like an old pair of jeans.

>and Pandora decided that now was the time to take action.
>"No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no!"

Mulan: Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes!
Clopin: (deadpan) You tell her.

>she shrieked and jumped at the love devil's back, breaking her concentration.

Clopin and Tarzan: (chanting) Cat fight! Cat fight!

>She stopped sucking

Clopin: Eww...
Mulan: Oh, I wish that were true...
Tarzan: (Yelling) Livedevol doesn't suck, YOU SUCK!

>and Charles' color started coming back. She whipped around to face Pandora, who was just mad now and not sad anymore.

Clopin: Oh, she's still sad all right... Sad, pathetic, you name it...

>"I guess I'll just deal with you now, you ugly wretch!" she screamed at Pandora. "You're just getting in my way, and when people >get in my way, they DIE!"

Mulan: Now, she's a cat.
Mini Me: When Mr. Bigglesworth gets angry...

>As soon as she got finished saying that, a big red laser beam shot right out of her eyes right at Pandora!

Mulan: Nooo! Don’t give Rasputin any ideas!
[Tarzan screams and ducks]
Clopin: (As announcer) ...Starring Scott Summers as the Martian Love-Devil...

>Pandora knew that she wasn't going to make it, but she put up her hand in a futile

Clopin: (As the Borg) Resistance is futile. You will be assimilated.

>attempt to protect herself. Fortunately, though, she still had he compact in her hand, and the mirror of the compact reflected the >laser right back at the princess and zapped her to death with it,

Mulan: And Pandora's Deux Ex Machina saves the day again...

>leaving only a wisp of gross-smelling red smoke that quickly faded away.

Mulan: But, wouldn't it smell like citrus fruit and coconuts?
Tarzan: I thought it was coconuts and citrus fruit.
Mulan: That's what I said.
Tarzan: No, you said "citrus fruit and coconuts" I distinctly remember that.

>Charles sat in the chair, struggling to get out, but even though the love devil was no more, her evil

Mini Me: Evil!
Mulan: Quit.

>hair

Mulan: Evil Hair? Wasn't that a rock band from the 80's?
Tarzan: No man, they were THE rock band of the 80's!

>still held tight to Charles and he could not get out.

Tarzan: So, what about Elvis’ song? Pandora really left us hanging.

>Pandora rushed over to him and swiftly freed him by cutting the net with her french-manicured, razor-sharp fingernail.

Mulan: I could make a French joke here, but it’s just too easy...
Clopin: Tai Toi!

>He leapt out of the horrible chair

Mulan: Hey, now! The chair was an innocent bystander!

>just in time because all the evil

Mini Me: Evil!
[Mulan hits Clopin on the head with her slipper; the mini me is reluctantly retired for the night.]

>hair fell on the floor in a circle around the chair and burned a hole in the floor,

Mulan: But yet, it did nothing to Charles?
Tarzan: Stupidity must produce antibodies or something...

>which the chair fell right through!

Tarzan: (as author) ...killing three and injuring seven.

>"Oh Charles, I'm so glad you're safe!" Pandora lovingly told her lover.
>"Thank you, feisty Pandora,

Clopin: (as Pandora) What, thank and talk of feist? I hate the word as I hate hell, all Ruttheimers, and thee!
Mulan: Y'know what the best part of this fic was? Upchuck didn't talk much. ...Until now.

>and I'm so sorrry for the way I treated you whenever that horrible devil took over my brain!" he replied.

Clopin: (As Charles) It was awful! I had this uncontrollable urge to dye half my hair white and wear Dalmatian fur!

>Pandora was going to say something like, "Oh, it's all right, these things happen,"

Tarzan: Only to utter morons like you two.

>but before she could get another word out,

Clopin: (As author) ...A 'Free Mars' terrorist aimed a PPG at the couple and opened fire.
Mulan: Clopin, haven't you killed those two enough already?

>Charles took her in his strong arms and caressed her face, then kissed her with the most gentleness, but with fiery passionate >gentleness.

Tarzan: There's an oxymoron if ever I've heard one.

>Then, he looked into her eyes and said, "Pandora, you saved me, and for that I owe you my life.

Clopin: (As author) With that, Charles reached into his chest, pulled out his still beating heart, and offered it to Pandora.
Mulan: Apparently not...

>I want to stay with you forever. My darling, gorgeous, wonderful

Tarzan: (As Charles) ...Slutty...
Mulan: Tarzan!
Clopin: ”My darling, gorgeous, wonderful, slutty Tarzan”?! You aren’t going to let her talk to you like that, are you?
Mulan: (growling) One more time, Trouillefou. Just one more time.

>Pandora, will you please be my bride?"

Clopin: (as Pandora) Well, I'd love to, but I really don't think my husband would appreciate that.
Tarzan: No, that's called a plot twist. Those are apparently against this girl's religion.

>"Yes, oh, yes, my dearest Charles! I have longed for so long to hear you say those words, my beautiful angel."

Clopin: 'Angel?'
Mulan: When did this become a 'Buffy the Vampire Slayer' Crossover?
Tarzan: When did this become an 'X-Men' crossover?

>With that, he kissed her once more and a gentle breeze stirred the couple's hair.

Mulan: Considering they're still indoors, I'd say the Martians have a pretty crappy ventilation system.

>This breeze turned out to be Octavia and Elvis

Tarzan: (As Elvis) Whoa! Sorry 'bout that. Ah guess 'Heath' is Martian for 'Bean Burritos...'

>in their getaway spaceship.

Clopin: Which, apparently had breached the Marsbase dome and crashed next to the Princess's room...

>As the fiances strode bravely on board the ship, eager for their next adventure,

Tarzan: Nooooooooooo!!!!
Mulan: Two of these are bad enough! Please don't make this a series...

>and Octavia ran towards her long-lost brother, Charles called out in his deep, melodious, and manly voice,

Tarzan: That does it. Pandora has never in her life actually watched Daria.

> "Fire this baby up and set a straight course for Earth! We're goin' home, baby!"

Mulan: Well, what do you know? I guess the world really is enough.
Tarzan: Yup. Let's get out of here.
[Tarzan tries to get up, but Clopin holds him back.]
Clopin: Wait for it...wait...

>THE END

Clopin: Alrighty, now we can leave.
[All file out]

[DOL. Scene opens with Tarzan showing Mulan “Esteemsters” and Clopin pecking up a storm on the computer.]
Tarzan: Okay, now that’s Ms. Manson. She doesn’t show up after this episode, and she’s evil, anyhow, so you can just forget about her.
Mulan: (trying to soak it all in) Okaaaaaay…
Tarzan: (watching intently and saying each line with the character, not missing a beat)
Quinn: I'm exempt.
Mrs. Manson: You won't be graded.
Quinn: Oh. Okay, then. Let's see... they've been going out for awhile, and he's upset because other people keep asking her out, and she's saying she can't help it if she's attractive and popular, and besides, nobody ever said they were going steady, and if he does want to go steady he's got to do a lot better than movie, burger, back seat, movie, burger, back seat, because there are plenty of guys with bigger back seats waiting to take her someplace nice!
[Tarzan reaches the end of his attention span and wanders over to Clopin. Mulan continues watching.]
Tarzan: Whacha doin’?
[Clopin continues typing, ignoring him. Tarzan reads over his shoulder and almost immediately begins laughing loudly.]
Mulan: (looking up) Uh oh. (to Tarzan) What, pray tell, is so funny?
[Tarzan motions her over. She begins reading the screen out loud.]
Mulan: “No more, Pandora. No more fanfics. Do you hear me? Stop writing them. You will stop writing those abominable fics this instant, or, upon the honor of my family, I swear I will hunt you down--” Clopin, what is this?
Clopin: (still typing) Up With Chuck.
Mulan: What?
Tarzan: Up With Chuck. Pandora’s fan site.
[Mulan reaches for the keyboard as Clopin starts deleting the last few lines. After a bit of squabbling, Mulan gains control and begins typing. The screen is shown and the following appears. Tarzan can be heard laughing in the background]
“Mulan: Clopin, what are you--Clopin! What did I tell you about making threats over the net?
Clopin: Look, Mulan, it has to be done. And if no one else will, I WILL.
Mulan: Oh, no you won't. Give me that keyboard...
Clopin: Hey give that--sadljfhklfghasklgugihwea bnfdgnqeriweyth bareutgjg bgnb
++Transmission cut off++”
Mulan: (sighing) Why didn’t I just delete that when I had the chance? [beat] Oh, great. Now the Fashion Club is calling.
Tarzan: (hitting the button) Welcome to the Dungeon of Love. May I take your order?

[Tower 13. The three Gs are in the background, playing Guestures. Rasputin is in the foreground.]
Rasputin: Très amusant. Obviously that wasn’t near painful enough. I’ll just have to try harder next time. So be it. (tapping finger tips together and muttering) I'll have to look for a good Sailor Moon/Daria crossover...
Gaston: Sir, it’s our turn.
Rasputin: [over his shoulder] I’ll be right there. [back to the camera] Until next time, my little ponies. [pushes the button and heads back to the game] Soda! Shake! Fizz!
>FWISH!<

Notes
Thanks to Roaming Tigress, Phorum Ghost Pierrette, and Toon Queen, who have forgotten all about posting those messages by now, for the excellent quotes and to Brittany and Maggie for all of the inspiration, editing, etc.
Robin appologizes for the obscurity of parts of Mulan and Tarzan's discussion regarding the Lovedevil's real name. Heh. That one got a bit too personal.
The guestbook entry was actually posted by Charlie Stadele and can be veiwed over at Up With Chuck. It is dated November-somethingth. So this one has been in the works a while...

Disclaimer:
The original MALT3K, Mystery AL Theater 3000: The Spam, was written and copyright Charlie Stadele.
Tarzan, Mulan, Clopin, Genie, Gizmoduck, Mrs. Potts, a vast majority of the plethora of names tossed around, Hocus Pocus, and all related movies and references are copyright Disney.
Rasputin, Titan A.E., and all related movies and references are copyright Fox Animation.
All MST3K concepts and references are copyright Best Brains Inc.
Charles, Quinn, Ms. Manson, and all other Daria references are copyright MTV. The conversation between Quinn and Ms. Manson is a direct quote from episode 101 – Esteemsters.
All Hitchhiker references are copyright 1979 by Douglas Adams.
”Spiderweb” is copyright No Doubt and their record label.
No challenges to copyrights are intended. Please don’t sue.
Please send all questions, comments, etc, to Robin or Chuck.

"I don't think it's a natural geographic feature, sweet baby."

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