I can remember falling in love, and watching it shatter unmournfully until it was gone. Every thought inside reminds me of why I had given up finding another one to love, the weight upon my soul was far too much for even Hell to endure. My mind suffered and discraced all I touched. I became callous, unforgiving. Death became me as I began to think that the flawed figment of myself deserved nothing. I met someone as we became closer I began to know that the feelings I had once felt were never love at all. They were desperate emotions of clinging on to things that were never meant to be. I have now found the love I desired so badly...the sunlight I will forever envelop in thankfulness.
I regret dwelling on those tired, dark feelings for so long. I mean on someone so ugly in mind, body and soul...wow, I'd rather not elaborate because even thinking of the last person I had a serious relationship with embarasses me. I regret causing so much trouble with other people during that time too. I just wanted to keep my mind off of things, but getting in arguments with others just did not help. Nothing alieviated the inner pain and stress that was trapped inside me. All I can really say to help me move on is that it really is in the past. That all of the terrible feelings are gone and all I need to do is heal.
I thank the Lord every day and night for James. I never thought I could get someone like that. He is funny, kind, understanding, respectful, drug free, handsome and has a great body. I could go on and on forever about how much I love him. He is a million different people in one body that gives me enlightened spirit and happiness. I sat today in math class, listening to my voice mail (yes, in class lol) and I heard his message he left for me. I know deep in my heart he loves me as much as I do, something I have never expirienced.
I've never had one single doubt that he did not love me. In fact, I've only had thoughts that he loved me even more than I love him. Sometimes I realize that he drives across the river every night, even when he is tired, just to lay on my couch with me and watch a movie or a t.v. show that he usually is not that interested in. Probably because all I ever watch are documented plastic surgeries. It is oh so cute to watch him cringe! Just kidding...but it makes me realize all he gives up for me. He gave up ALL of his spare time for me, the time he could be doing other things. Every second he has free he uses it to at least talk to me.
School is going pretty good. Grades are pretty good (because I haven't had any unexcused absences). I found out I am in no danger of failing AP Government
and I never was. I have almost a C average, but I definetly will pull that up. I even almost have all straight A's! It is quite an accomplishment, if I can pull it off. If I do, I'll do a crazy dance. I also won a Senior Award. Hopefully it isn't anything stupid. My grandma told me not to worry about it because I won't win the "itty bitty titty" award. She said her sister won that in college, but I think she might be making that up.
Until that day...
fin.