Here is an update on the job search. I got a job as Dining Aide at Country Meadows retirement community! I start orientation the 18th and I am getting drug tested and T.B. tested Wednesday. It's a refreshing feeling to know there is no way that I am going to fail a drug test. And something else wonderful is the feeling that I don't need substances to have fun or to calm myself.

Friday was a day of dreams and of scribbled etchings of nightmares. James does this cute little thing all the time, where he apologizes for something so trivial hundreds of times. On Thursday, he came over to my house two hours later than he initially told me. He made it seem like he cheated on me or beat my Grandmother! So he decided to take me out to Olive Garden the next evening. Even though I was not mad at him (how could I ever be), I agreed to go. Who would ever deny endless salad and breadsticks?

He also took me out for a romantic suprise. He remembered that I told him how much I loved the sunset and stars at Nawakwa, a church camp. He goes there as well, so he knew how to get there and also shared the love of the view. We didn't make it in time for the sunset, so we sat on the steps of Upper Temple to watch the stars. The clouds rolled over the few dimmed stars, leaving us alone on a dark expansive field with only the heavy wind to accompany us. As he spoke, his idle small talk, all I could think about is telling him how I felt about him. I love you, James. I mumbled softly, as if I spoke quieter, it would be of less importance. He sighed, as if from relief, I love you too, baby. He wanted to tell me for so long, but was afraid of what I would say. Such an undecieving feeling, as if I were imaginary. The happiness was something I couldn't even comprehend as a tear streamed down my face and I giddily hugged him tight.

The rest of the night was from an ominous delusion. It played over and over the entire night until I cried myself to sleep and awoke the next evening at five o'clocks. My nerves were shot and I twinged at even the slightest thought of the night before. James got a phone call from our friends Ash and Chuck, asking if we wanted to play pool with some kids that James went to school with. It sounded perfect, a great end to an already perfect night. Ashley wasnt there of course due to the fact she was at Dawns. She was not hanging out with me and a black baby named Chapelle. We left quite quickly because of the foreboding warnings of a fight occuring. One of James' friend's boyfriend, wanted to see James' Trans Am. He was quite impressed by the way! We watched his other angry friend beat his jeep in an animalistic rage, roaring and shoving a girl out of the way. My heart began to race and my skin began to crawl. I walked about in circles, unable to talk. I was beginning to have a panic attack watching this large man scream in inflaming fury. I don't remember much about the ride home, except for James holding my hand and making sure I didn't pass out. We went home and James helped me calm down. But once he left and I was alone, I went into panic mode again. That was a rough night.

Saturday we went to the car show. Not the ricer war waste of time, we went to the one by Soda Jerk with really nice muscle cars. Oh so beautiful! We ate at Isaacs, then had cuddle-time downstairs in my basement until 2am. Sunday, he went with me to Kite Day at my youth group. It was so much fun!

I love that boy so damn much. Everything I do I think of him, and everyone I see whispers his name. Our one month anniversary is tomorrow...I have no idea what we are doing...which is 1/2 the excitement. The other half is the dream of being in his arms again.

I love you like you wouldn't believe. <3 What an idea, what a dream.