Anger Without Enthusiasm is Called Depression
We had a half day in school today, thankfully. Us seniors got free breakfast, which I only ate a muffin because the eggs looked like sponges and the french toast looked unappealing. We all played cards until we got into trouble...I guess we were a bit too loud and violent! Then we got to choose two seminars to attend, then we could go home. I chose the seminar for students going to a four year college and the seminar for finance. I was under the impression that the finance seminar was about budgeting once we are out on our own, but in fact it was about life, health and disability insurance. The man tried to spark our interests by making wise-cracks and sexist remarks about his first and second wives (hmm, maybe that's why the marriage didn't last). My negro Dee and I amused ourselves the best way we know how: hangman. That was a lot of fun!

Stacy, Beccy, and Ang came over at about noon and I made them macaroni and cheese and we watched the Breakfast Club. Stacy forced us to look at Rotten.com which made us squirm in our seats. After they left, it was just me and the animals for a couple hours.

I had my job interview today at Kauffman's Wedding World. I envisioned an expansive store with beautiful decorations and dresses. I ended up driving to what was David's Bridal. My heart just dropped when I finally figured out where Kauffman's was. It was a small building beside Applebee's behind a sign-making place on 22. It was a plain store, and the only furniture was 2 lawn chairs located in the back where the 3 dressing rooms were. There was a small selection of dresses, and they were all basically the same style.

I didn't get the best impression of Ira Kauffman, the owner, initially because he called me at 11:30 the night previously to ask me to come in a half-hour earlier for my interview the next evening. I was already running about 15 minutes late because I went to the wrong bridal place, and I had to wait five minutes longer until he finally arrived. He shooed me to a lawn chair by the dressing rooms to fill out an application while he went outside to make a personal call. Once I was done, he began to ask me questions. During my interview, he answered his phone while I was talking to him not once, but twice! That was so rude, especially that both calls had nothing to do with his work and that he began to actually gossip a bit during one of the calls when I was mid-sentence. I just imagined this attractive, suave, business man with stunning looks and a sparkling personality, and found out he was nothing but a rude, dull, unattractive and sloppy man with no business ethic.

I hate to complain about this opportunity, but I predicted this dream job, and I finding flaws in the store and the owner made me lose my drive to try to get this job. I had a whole course in high school called "Careers" that talked almost all about interviews and how to get a job, and this experience makes that class seem trivial. I have a job interview tomorrow at Country Meadows Nursing Home as a dining aid (perfect hours and pay, but working with the elderly makes me uncomfortable). Commerce bank also called me back, so I go into my second interview shortly.

After my interview and being hit on by two men who worked at the sign place beside Kauffmans that could be friends with my father, James picked me up and we went out for a bite to eat and watched Secondhand Lions. We both are the worst people to watch movies with because we pick out all the things wrong with the movie, and that is exactly what we did the entire movie. We had a good time together, and that's really all that matters.

I cannot sleep. Insomnia, a sign of withdrawl. All the pain I had been feeling for almost the past two months was a mixture between the E.B. virus (the virus of mono) and of a physical addiction to anti-depressants. I don't know why I wanted to stop taking them so badly. Maybe it was easier not to take them to look at myself every night remembering that I have a severe mental illness. That's when the headaches started. A painful, dizzying blur that I would have to stop all that I was doing and clench my head in an agonizing twinge. Once my mom found out I wasn't taking my medicine, I was kicked out. It was obvious I wasn't taking my medicine. I couldn't stand frustration. Hell, I kicked a hole in my wall. I got myself all worked up that these pills were going to cause me more pain, which in a certain way is true. Going back on Celexa and accidentally skipping a day or two would give me the blurring migranes. I stayed with Dan and Clint for five days until I went back home. I missed two days and since my parents won't excuse the absence, I cannot make up a very important Finite Math test. I decided to talk to my guidance counselor so I could try to make the absenses excused so I could make the test up. Sadly, he couldn't help me with that, but he really gave me some very good insight in my future school plans, and my choices pertaining to my health. As hard as it is to say it, my parents, yet again...were right. So I'll just keep my lips closed tight, my apologies unsaid and truths unheard. Sometimes it is just better to try to forget things like that happened.

It's over now. I gave up trying to fight my need to be medicated, but right now is not the time to stop taking my medicine. I kind of actually hope to switch to a different medicine. Maybe lexapro, my cousin, sister and mom seem to respond really well with that type of anti-depressive medication. I just have to wait for time to pass though, time to let my medicine go back into my bloodstream and stop all my maddening headaches, time to let the shattered relationships with my family be put together. But time is the hardest thing to wait for.