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Thursday, 20 May 2004

Below are my Prom 2004 Pics. Enjoy!

Posted by un/wonderxful at 9:32 PM EDT
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Tuesday, 11 May 2004

I can remember falling in love, and watching it shatter unmournfully until it was gone. Every thought inside reminds me of why I had given up finding another one to love, the weight upon my soul was far too much for even Hell to endure. My mind suffered and discraced all I touched. I became callous, unforgiving. Death became me as I began to think that the flawed figment of myself deserved nothing. I met someone as we became closer I began to know that the feelings I had once felt were never love at all. They were desperate emotions of clinging on to things that were never meant to be. I have now found the love I desired so badly...the sunlight I will forever envelop in thankfulness.

I regret dwelling on those tired, dark feelings for so long. I mean on someone so ugly in mind, body and, I'd rather not elaborate because even thinking of the last person I had a serious relationship with embarasses me. I regret causing so much trouble with other people during that time too. I just wanted to keep my mind off of things, but getting in arguments with others just did not help. Nothing alieviated the inner pain and stress that was trapped inside me. All I can really say to help me move on is that it really is in the past. That all of the terrible feelings are gone and all I need to do is heal.

I thank the Lord every day and night for James. I never thought I could get someone like that. He is funny, kind, understanding, respectful, drug free, handsome and has a great body. I could go on and on forever about how much I love him. He is a million different people in one body that gives me enlightened spirit and happiness. I sat today in math class, listening to my voice mail (yes, in class lol) and I heard his message he left for me. I know deep in my heart he loves me as much as I do, something I have never expirienced.

I've never had one single doubt that he did not love me. In fact, I've only had thoughts that he loved me even more than I love him. Sometimes I realize that he drives across the river every night, even when he is tired, just to lay on my couch with me and watch a movie or a t.v. show that he usually is not that interested in. Probably because all I ever watch are documented plastic surgeries. It is oh so cute to watch him cringe! Just kidding...but it makes me realize all he gives up for me. He gave up ALL of his spare time for me, the time he could be doing other things. Every second he has free he uses it to at least talk to me.

School is going pretty good. Grades are pretty good (because I haven't had any unexcused absences). I found out I am in no danger of failing AP Government
and I never was. I have almost a C average, but I definetly will pull that up. I even almost have all straight A's! It is quite an accomplishment, if I can pull it off. If I do, I'll do a crazy dance. I also won a Senior Award. Hopefully it isn't anything stupid. My grandma told me not to worry about it because I won't win the "itty bitty titty" award. She said her sister won that in college, but I think she might be making that up.

Until that day...


Posted by un/wonderxful at 6:30 PM EDT
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Monday, 3 May 2004

Here is an update on the job search. I got a job as Dining Aide at Country Meadows retirement community! I start orientation the 18th and I am getting drug tested and T.B. tested Wednesday. It's a refreshing feeling to know there is no way that I am going to fail a drug test. And something else wonderful is the feeling that I don't need substances to have fun or to calm myself.

Friday was a day of dreams and of scribbled etchings of nightmares. James does this cute little thing all the time, where he apologizes for something so trivial hundreds of times. On Thursday, he came over to my house two hours later than he initially told me. He made it seem like he cheated on me or beat my Grandmother! So he decided to take me out to Olive Garden the next evening. Even though I was not mad at him (how could I ever be), I agreed to go. Who would ever deny endless salad and breadsticks?

He also took me out for a romantic suprise. He remembered that I told him how much I loved the sunset and stars at Nawakwa, a church camp. He goes there as well, so he knew how to get there and also shared the love of the view. We didn't make it in time for the sunset, so we sat on the steps of Upper Temple to watch the stars. The clouds rolled over the few dimmed stars, leaving us alone on a dark expansive field with only the heavy wind to accompany us. As he spoke, his idle small talk, all I could think about is telling him how I felt about him. I love you, James. I mumbled softly, as if I spoke quieter, it would be of less importance. He sighed, as if from relief, I love you too, baby. He wanted to tell me for so long, but was afraid of what I would say. Such an undecieving feeling, as if I were imaginary. The happiness was something I couldn't even comprehend as a tear streamed down my face and I giddily hugged him tight.

The rest of the night was from an ominous delusion. It played over and over the entire night until I cried myself to sleep and awoke the next evening at five o'clocks. My nerves were shot and I twinged at even the slightest thought of the night before. James got a phone call from our friends Ash and Chuck, asking if we wanted to play pool with some kids that James went to school with. It sounded perfect, a great end to an already perfect night. Ashley wasnt there of course due to the fact she was at Dawns. She was not hanging out with me and a black baby named Chapelle. We left quite quickly because of the foreboding warnings of a fight occuring. One of James' friend's boyfriend, wanted to see James' Trans Am. He was quite impressed by the way! We watched his other angry friend beat his jeep in an animalistic rage, roaring and shoving a girl out of the way. My heart began to race and my skin began to crawl. I walked about in circles, unable to talk. I was beginning to have a panic attack watching this large man scream in inflaming fury. I don't remember much about the ride home, except for James holding my hand and making sure I didn't pass out. We went home and James helped me calm down. But once he left and I was alone, I went into panic mode again. That was a rough night.

Saturday we went to the car show. Not the ricer war waste of time, we went to the one by Soda Jerk with really nice muscle cars. Oh so beautiful! We ate at Isaacs, then had cuddle-time downstairs in my basement until 2am. Sunday, he went with me to Kite Day at my youth group. It was so much fun!

I love that boy so damn much. Everything I do I think of him, and everyone I see whispers his name. Our one month anniversary is tomorrow...I have no idea what we are doing...which is 1/2 the excitement. The other half is the dream of being in his arms again.

I love you like you wouldn't believe. <3 What an idea, what a dream.

Posted by un/wonderxful at 9:14 PM EDT
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Tuesday, 27 April 2004

It's hard to start writing again after I stopped for so long. I had my second interview for Country Meadows. I have my shadowing for it tomorrow evening, which I am very excited about! I really need some money, especially with school coming to an end.

2nd Layout on this journal. I am just far too fickle for my own good. I think its because I only seem to get comments from Brandon. Thanks Brandon! I wish others would comment, but I just dont think they know they don't need a website to comment. All you need it to click the comment link and type away!

So much has happened since my last post that its hard to say everything that occured, even harder to put it in chronological order. There were a lot of fights with my parents, including one that ended physically. The shame was more painful that the bruises that still show. I put things like that behind me and move on. Plenty of prom preparations such as getting the dress and tux, and trying like hell to figure out what is going on afterwards and if I am going to host a preferably drug-free hotel party.

I also saw my friends Erin, Britt and Chad! I was so happy! They are so tall, there must be something in the water on the other side of the river! Britt and Erin are so pretty, wow. I hope we can do something ASAP like the good ol' days before we moved away from the lovely Central Dauphin area.

Anything left mentioning is right here:
Go Team Saturn is out to get us!
Ignoring Stacy
School is way too butt-fucking early
The Punisher is an excellent flick.
I still really like cereal!
I wish there were more Minge-heads I could yell at.
The Daily News is the best invention ever.
I'm pregnant.Oh wait, that's not true.

And of course, how can I even think of dismissing James! From dates to off roading on Tower Rd, I've spent most of my waken hours with James. Yes, I have fallen for him. We had a conversation about how close we have become in the past month or so. He had told me that he never felt the tiniest bit of anxiety when with me, and I realized the same. The only time I ever felt the tiniest bit nervous when I was with James, and that was when I was being flung around his truck when we were on Tower Road. That is beyond amazing.

That boy is beyond amazing. I was intimidated of love, of dating for a couple months. The thought of holding someone does not daunt me. I see myself as so flawed, so terribly scarred that the words could never escape from my lips, unless they were a false pretence or out of impulse. How sweet it is, he sweet it feels. The inner happiness, even when we are apart holds tight to my body.

But the words escape me when I am with him. Why can't I murmer the words I've been dying to say to him for what feels like eternity? It collects in the back of my mind, ordering me to say those three words. I refer to it around my friends as the inescapable "L-word," the word that can never completely escape into the air. I know he would not judge me, but I know it may make him feel he must say it back. It would make my heart soar to hear he felt the same, but if he is not at that level with me yet, I can understand. But sometimes I think maybe he is feeling the same, but afraid that I will not say anything in response.

But I am oh so content regardless if that word is not exchanged. <3 It's an uncomplicated thing, that makes me feel unimaginably happy.

Posted by un/wonderxful at 7:06 PM EDT
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Tuesday, 6 April 2004
Taking Me allThis
Tonight I watched The Ladykillers with James. It was really good! It reminded me a bit of Oh Brother, Where Art Thou? with the whole laid back southern and rural atmosphere. But Oh Brother definetly takes the cake in comparison. They both also follow an antiquated theme that I read a lot in English class, the comedy. This kind of comedy normally ends often in ironic tragedy. Now, why exactly is that called a comedy? No idea! Tom Hanks was superb as the head hauncho professor. He had a wheezy, kind of pompous laugh he did often and it makes me smile just thinking about it. James and I went to Outback after that. I got really spicy shrimp. I didn't know they were that spicy! The flavors there were so strong, from the spicy shrimp to the radically garlicky Caesar salad. But I did love the grilled zuchinni and pineapple that went along with my shrimp! I brought a lot of it home, hoping that someone could make a meal out of it. Waste not, want not!

2nd day on Zoloft. Switching medication is an even more terrible feeling than complete withdrawl from one medicine. I thought it would be a similar feeling, but its a complete turn around. Now I have two anti-depressants in my system instead of none. I have the same physical effects, dizzyness, mind numbing headaches,insomnia and tiredness, but there is just something else there that I can't put my finger on. It's not a physical side effect, it's something in this head of mine, almost a cloudy blur. I do recognise I am very frightened of Zoloft and it could just be my nerves. It could numb me and put me into a sedative-like state. I often think that when I am saddened and tourtured mentally, my creative side takes complete control and I blossom with imagination and zest. On the other hand, when I am overly-medicated, I don't feel content. I am happy to an extent, but I don't believe I am real. I just function. Believe me, I function appropriately, I'm dilligent, patient and happy, but not satisfied. I often missed my creative spark, it was what separated me from the masses. I guess nothing is what it seems.

I am not my own reality.

Posted by un/wonderxful at 1:10 AM EDT
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Monday, 29 March 2004
Dare to Move
Had my first interview at Country Meadows today. I was a bit nervous about working at a nursing home again, but the bonuses of this job outweigh the senility and blank stares of the elderly. There are many programs I can involved in that can help me with college and nursing. First, they offer free classes in first aid, and they also can sell me discount computers and cars. Instead of upgrading a company car or computer, they just buy new ones and sell them at really cheap prices. A year old computer with office programs already downloaded for $300? Heck yeah! Also, I get a bunch of other nifty things such as getting paid double on my birthday! Sounds like this job and me are going to get along quite well...

School was physcially exhausting. One teacher lost a whole chapter's work that I need to have done by Wednesday or it's a zero. It aggrivates me that I work so hard, but when I have no home and can't make it to school so I have 2 unexcused absences, my teachers think I don't care. One teacher actually seems to have taken it as a personal offense. I don't think I deserve to be treated like this, when I see someone who doesn't try get a 98% and I work my ass off and get a 84%. It's like my grades are predestined or something.

Since Sarah and I cleaned up our rooms, we were awarded a trip to Gabriel Brothers, my favorite store. But Sarah gave up the opportunity to go play with her boyfriend, so Jenny, Mom and I went together instead. I got a new graduation dress, it was $14 and it is beautiful. It is a strappy white dress that flares out and just ends below my calves. It makes me feel so feminine and it flatters all I want to flatter. I also got some dangly earrings, a jean purse, work clothes, and jelly beans. My mom won't let me eat my jelly beans though! I was very upset!

Jenny of course doddled on the way out of the store. It never bothers me, because she is the light of my eyes. Her smile makes me melt and her happiness gives me more joy than she will ever know. She isn't tainted like the rest of us. She watched her sisters wilt and die within themselves, seeing her Sarah try to kill herself and me struggle with my drug addictions. She never complained, she never does. She just let it all absorb in. She's still a kid, but she has to deal with such adult issues. Jenny and I were rough housing in the parking lot and she kicked most of my toenail off. Ouch!

James came over and we watched Blue Collar Comedy Tour. We always have so much fun. I was a bit worried because Ashely told me that James told her the night previously that I would be perfect for him once he changed me. It really astounded me that he could ever say anything like that, nor that he would think that he could change me.

No more control...I promised myself that. No more trying so hard to be someone I'm not. It brought me undescribable agony when Nate left me craving unachievable happiness that I found in the worst ways. I'd rather be dead than someone I'm not.

So, moving on.

I like James. A whole lot!

He reads this though so that defeats the purpose of 'playing hard to get.' My Mom told me to do that more often, but it's impossible for me I think. Why act like I am repulsed by his touch when in fact I cannot stop smiling?

Posted by un/wonderxful at 11:54 PM EST
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Wednesday, 24 March 2004
Anger Without Enthusiasm is Called Depression
We had a half day in school today, thankfully. Us seniors got free breakfast, which I only ate a muffin because the eggs looked like sponges and the french toast looked unappealing. We all played cards until we got into trouble...I guess we were a bit too loud and violent! Then we got to choose two seminars to attend, then we could go home. I chose the seminar for students going to a four year college and the seminar for finance. I was under the impression that the finance seminar was about budgeting once we are out on our own, but in fact it was about life, health and disability insurance. The man tried to spark our interests by making wise-cracks and sexist remarks about his first and second wives (hmm, maybe that's why the marriage didn't last). My negro Dee and I amused ourselves the best way we know how: hangman. That was a lot of fun!

Stacy, Beccy, and Ang came over at about noon and I made them macaroni and cheese and we watched the Breakfast Club. Stacy forced us to look at which made us squirm in our seats. After they left, it was just me and the animals for a couple hours.

I had my job interview today at Kauffman's Wedding World. I envisioned an expansive store with beautiful decorations and dresses. I ended up driving to what was David's Bridal. My heart just dropped when I finally figured out where Kauffman's was. It was a small building beside Applebee's behind a sign-making place on 22. It was a plain store, and the only furniture was 2 lawn chairs located in the back where the 3 dressing rooms were. There was a small selection of dresses, and they were all basically the same style.

I didn't get the best impression of Ira Kauffman, the owner, initially because he called me at 11:30 the night previously to ask me to come in a half-hour earlier for my interview the next evening. I was already running about 15 minutes late because I went to the wrong bridal place, and I had to wait five minutes longer until he finally arrived. He shooed me to a lawn chair by the dressing rooms to fill out an application while he went outside to make a personal call. Once I was done, he began to ask me questions. During my interview, he answered his phone while I was talking to him not once, but twice! That was so rude, especially that both calls had nothing to do with his work and that he began to actually gossip a bit during one of the calls when I was mid-sentence. I just imagined this attractive, suave, business man with stunning looks and a sparkling personality, and found out he was nothing but a rude, dull, unattractive and sloppy man with no business ethic.

I hate to complain about this opportunity, but I predicted this dream job, and I finding flaws in the store and the owner made me lose my drive to try to get this job. I had a whole course in high school called "Careers" that talked almost all about interviews and how to get a job, and this experience makes that class seem trivial. I have a job interview tomorrow at Country Meadows Nursing Home as a dining aid (perfect hours and pay, but working with the elderly makes me uncomfortable). Commerce bank also called me back, so I go into my second interview shortly.

After my interview and being hit on by two men who worked at the sign place beside Kauffmans that could be friends with my father, James picked me up and we went out for a bite to eat and watched Secondhand Lions. We both are the worst people to watch movies with because we pick out all the things wrong with the movie, and that is exactly what we did the entire movie. We had a good time together, and that's really all that matters.

I cannot sleep. Insomnia, a sign of withdrawl. All the pain I had been feeling for almost the past two months was a mixture between the E.B. virus (the virus of mono) and of a physical addiction to anti-depressants. I don't know why I wanted to stop taking them so badly. Maybe it was easier not to take them to look at myself every night remembering that I have a severe mental illness. That's when the headaches started. A painful, dizzying blur that I would have to stop all that I was doing and clench my head in an agonizing twinge. Once my mom found out I wasn't taking my medicine, I was kicked out. It was obvious I wasn't taking my medicine. I couldn't stand frustration. Hell, I kicked a hole in my wall. I got myself all worked up that these pills were going to cause me more pain, which in a certain way is true. Going back on Celexa and accidentally skipping a day or two would give me the blurring migranes. I stayed with Dan and Clint for five days until I went back home. I missed two days and since my parents won't excuse the absence, I cannot make up a very important Finite Math test. I decided to talk to my guidance counselor so I could try to make the absenses excused so I could make the test up. Sadly, he couldn't help me with that, but he really gave me some very good insight in my future school plans, and my choices pertaining to my health. As hard as it is to say it, my parents, yet again...were right. So I'll just keep my lips closed tight, my apologies unsaid and truths unheard. Sometimes it is just better to try to forget things like that happened.

It's over now. I gave up trying to fight my need to be medicated, but right now is not the time to stop taking my medicine. I kind of actually hope to switch to a different medicine. Maybe lexapro, my cousin, sister and mom seem to respond really well with that type of anti-depressive medication. I just have to wait for time to pass though, time to let my medicine go back into my bloodstream and stop all my maddening headaches, time to let the shattered relationships with my family be put together. But time is the hardest thing to wait for.

Posted by un/wonderxful at 1:30 AM EST
Updated: Wednesday, 24 March 2004 1:35 AM EST
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