THINGS THAT HAVE PASSED MY WAY
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THINGS THAT HAVE PASSED MY WAY


Give me a sense of humor, Lord,
Give me the grace to see a joke,
To get some humor out of life,
And pass it on to other folk

January 15, 2005

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Sunnibea
100 years Ago
Delicious Almonds
Dear Abby
A Life Sentence
Math and Stuff
Marriage and Communication
The Saturday Fisherman
FOOD FOR THOUGHT
Build A Bridge
Trouble Tree
Things to wonder about
This is Good
A Grave Tragedy
New ATM Instructions
Son to be Proud of
Enterprising Farmer
Wooo Wooo Wooo
The Vacation
HOW TO STAY YOUNG
Bang, Bang
Give Us This Day
   Our Daily Chicken
The Paint Job
Gonna be a bear
Mother-in-law
Minnesota Vacation
The Soft-spoken Lady
How Well Does Cold Water Clean?
Haiku Poetry & The Computer
Brain Cramps
God 1 - Man 0
Feeling Good
The Ostrich
A Blonde and a Redhead
The Atheist
Discipline
The Windy Pastor
The Iowa Farmer
FOR THE GARDEN OF
   YOUR DAILY LIVING
Today
Bill Boards
A Philosophy
The Time Bank
160 YEAR OLD LAWYER
Actual School Absence
   Excuse Notes
Your Peers
Medical Advice
Two Irishmen
The Watergate Hotel
2002's Best Ambiguous Headlines
The New CEO
Redneck Census Form
True or False?
Meatless Fridays
Grandpa Says
Remind Me God
A Beautiful Story
Only a true Southerner knows...
The New Pastor
Homeless
Blonde Joke
A tap on the shoulder
Which Service?
The Dachshund vs The Leopard
Stress Management
Red Skelton's Tips for
   a Happy Marriage
Once upon a time
Redneck Engineering Exam
Spare Me #2
The Phone Call
Keep Your Fork
The Lost Chapter of Genesis
Two Smart Society Ladies
   And Their  Dogs
Smart Alecks and Philosophers
Everything is Big in Texas
Medical Advances
All About Fitness
Jim and Mary
Thoughts on Religion
Funny
Senior Citizen Conversations
I asked God
The Chauffeur
The Mountain Man's Party
Happy Marriage
My 
Grandmothers
The Male Mentality
The Thrifty Woman
The Burglar and Jesus
Revised Position, Father-Daughter
Hillary's Physical Exam
Men, Women, and Computers
Golfers
Not in Alabama
When Will Guys EVER Learn?
You Are So Blessed!
The Logic of Children
So You Think You Know Everything?
Scrabble
The Itsy Bitsy Spider
Is this 832-4821?
Biology Test
I'm A Cowboy
Memorial Stone
Mischievous Brothers
New Bull
When Does Worrying Stop?
Drinking and Speech
When The Winds Blow
Well Named
Every Ten Years
The Winter of My Life
Redneck 911 Call
The Wise Old Indian
Why You Never Question A Drunk
Blonde Ice Fishing
The Bank Loan
WHAT SEX ARE THEY?
The Pearl
Buzzard, Bat & the Bumblebee
Hanging on the Rope
The Prescription
Logic Class
Whoops, Wrong Direction
TOP 10 WAYS THAT HANDGUNS
   ARE BETTER THAN WOMEN
Why lots of guys have two
   dogs and not two wives
The Bacon Tree
Satan Stuff
My Dad's the Greatest
From the Mouths of Babes
What would you do?
Seven Wonders
The Height of Globalization
Barbecuing
Book Ahead
About Siblings
Pecans in the Cemetery
The Reverend
Taunts
Sharing
The Marine
How to Call the Police
Stages of life
Palm Sunday
Easter Egg
Financial Support
Senior's Math
Under Age
Prayers?
The Magic Trick
The Water Pistol
Half Price
Life After Death
An Honest Job Application
Baptist Cowboy
The Folded Flag
Brain Cells
Mothers
The Blonde
Bridges
The 'Dumb' Blonde
Quick Come Backs
When Drugs are a Good Thing
Money
Squirrels
Straight from the
   mouths of Babes
Today #2
How to Bathe a Cat
Gotta Stay Mobile
Payday Party
Labor Pains
What Causes Arthritis?
The Van Gogh family tree
Job Description
Sheep Blonde
The Bull
Age
Alligator
How Did We Survive?
The Mod Priest
A Mirror Hardly Ever Lies
Dear John
Two Old Men
Southern Sayings
Hillbilly Medical Terms
Points to Ponder
Good Detective
If They Had a Doting Mother
Cmabrigde Uinervtisy
God Speaking
Hymn 365
NEVER SAY TO A COP
The Hicksville Southern Baptist
   Church
First Class
The Lantern
Advice from A
   Retired Husband
Having a Bad Day?
What's the Hurry?
Bubba and Jimmy Joe
Little Leroy
Why SANTA CLAUS Must be a WOMAN
Interesting Facts About Iraq
Harbor Lights
Harbor Lights 2
How to Stay Safe in the World Today
Retarded Grandparents
Say What?
I wish for you...
What if God Decided...
Road Rage
Explanation of God by Children
Why Wait?
The Good Cat
Cancel Your Credit Cards
Funny Skies
40 Things You Should Know
Puh-leeze, Ladies!
Curtain Rods
Life's Journey
The Short Story
California Living
The South
Politics
Elementary Bible School Tests
A Few Facts of Life
The Funeral
Women's Wisdom
Only in California
The New Pope
Installing telephones poles
Grouchy
4-H
Blondes (Dont you just love'em)
Try Harder
Country Wisdom
THINGS TO PONDER
About Others' Feelings
70's Humor
Thoughts for Today
The Hat
FOURTEEN THINGS THAT IT TOOK
   ME OVER 50 YEARS TO LEARN
God's voice mail
Clocks
Don't Step on the Ducks
A Redneck Church
HOW BLONDE WAS SHE?
Baptizing a Drunk
A Dilemma
Day in Court
Engineer/Management
The Rules ... by men
The Devil's Beatitudes
Alligator Shoes
The Cafeteria
The Wrinkled Nightgown
Titanic Story
Quotes
Beautiful One-liners about God
Mideast Mystery???
Why It's Great to be a Man
Tipping
The Way We Treat People
Toward a Perfect Day
Hymns for All Things
The Organist
The Ten Commandments
   Texas Style
A Glorious Place
The Church and the Bar
Sniffer
Saddam Lives?
Our National Pride!
WW III
First Anatomy Class
First Mass
The Hubby
Diesel Fitter
Long Live the Queen
Cough Cure
I Would Like To Hear Them Say
The Ventriloquist And His Dog
Addicted to WHAT?!?
Black and White Poem
The Blonde Joke To End
   All Blonde Jokes
The Accident
Anywhere Exercises
Why English is So Difficult
Spare Me
Rednecks at Work
Airport Security
What My Mother Taught Me
Huh?  Oh, I See Now
LAWS
The Blind Man & Blondes
Odds and Ends
Mexican Jews
OUCH!
Hope for a Younger Generation
Demographics
Why I like Airplanes
Values
The Sign Said WHAT?
How to Get to Heaven:
   by Small Children
Love Those Blondes, God Bless'em
A View from the North
Even in Eternity
The Test
A Visit to the Doctor
Talking Clock
Thanksgiving Divorce
Bear Hunter
More From the Mouths of Babes
As I Was Walking Down Life's Highway
Women's Quotes
Time We Start Cussing
A Marine in Paris
A Good-Ole-Boy
Ever Wonder
Thoughts of Famous People
Language
New Southern Survivor Game
True Doctor Stories
Chain Letters
Texas Farmer
De frog and de snake
A Good Day For Fishing
Fender Skirts
I've learned....
The DC-8 and the Cherokee 180
The 7 Ups!!
Let's Make a Deal
Church Bake Sale
Guy Blonde Joke
The Shave
Texas Preacher
Bill of No Rights
God's Cake



A Few Facts of Life
(Top)

The most destructive habit.....................................Worry
The greatest Joy...................................................Giving
The greatest loss...............................Loss of self-respect

The most satisfying work............................Helping others
The ugliest personality trait..............................Selfishness
The most endangered species................Dedicated leaders

Our greatest natural resource.............................Our youth
The greatest "shot in the arm"...................Encouragement
The greatest problem to overcome............................Fear

The most effective sleeping pill...................Peace of mind
The most crippling failure disease........................Excuses
The most powerful force in life.....................................Love

The most dangerous pariah.............................A gossiper
The world's most incredible computer...............The brain
The worst thing to be without....................................Hope

The deadliest weapon.....................................The tongue
The two most power-filled words..........................."I Can"
The greatest asset......................................................Faith

The most worthless emotion................................Self-pity
The most beautiful attire.........................................SMILE!
The most prized possession............................... Integrity

The most powerful channel of communication.....Prayer
The most contagious spirit.............................Enthusiasm


Redneck 911 Call (Top)

A couple of redneck hunters are out in the woods when one of them falls to the ground. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are rolled back in his head.

The other redneck starts to panic, then whips out his cell phone and calls 911.

He frantically blurts out to the operator, "O my gawd! Help! My friend just died. He's Dead! What can I do?"

The operator, trying to calm him says, "Take it easy. I can help. Just listen to me and follow my instructions. First, lets make sure he's dead."

There's a short pause, and then the operator hears a loud gun shot!!!

The redneck comes back on the line and says, "OK, now what?"


100 years Ago (Top)

What a difference a century makes! Here are some of the US statistics for about 100 years ago.

The average life expectancy in the US was 47 years.

Only 14% of the homes in the US had a bathtub.

Only 8% of the homes had a telephone.

A three-minute call from Denver to New York City cost $11.00.

There were only 8,000 cars in the US, and only 144 miles of paved roads. The maximum speed limit in most cities was 10 mph.

Alabama, Mississippi, Iowa, and Tennessee were each more heavily populated than California. With a mere 1.4 million residents, California was only the 21st most populous state in the Union.

The tallest structure in the world was the Eiffel Tower.

The average wage in the US was 22 cents an hour.

The average US worker made between $200 and $400 per year.

A competent accountant could expect to earn $2000 per year, a dentist $2,500 per year.

A veterinarian between $1,500 and $4,000 per year.

A mechanical engineer about $5,000 per year.

More than 95 percent of all births in the US took place at home.

Ninety percent of all US physicians had no college education. Instead, they attended medical schools, many of which were condemned in the press and by the government as "substandard."

Sugar cost four cents a pound. Eggs were fourteen cents a dozen.

Coffee was fifteen cents a pound.

Most women only washed their hair once a month, and used borax or egg yolks for shampoo.

Canada passed a law prohibiting poor people from entering the country for any reason.

The five leading causes of death in the US were:
1. Pneumonia and influenza
2. Tuberculosis
3. Diarrhea
4. Heart disease
5. Stroke

The American flag had 45 stars. Arizona, Oklahoma, New Mexico, Hawaii, and Alaska hadn't been admitted to the Union yet.

The population of Las Vegas, Nevada, was 30!

Crossword puzzles, canned beer, and iced tea hadn't been invented.

There was no Mother's Day or Father's Day.

Two of 10 US adults couldn't read or write. Only 6% of all Americans had graduated high school.

Marijuana, heroin, and morphine were all available over the counter at corner drugstores. According to one pharmacist, "Heroin clears the complexion, gives buoyancy to the mind, regulates the stomach and bowels, and is, in fact, a perfect guardian of health."

Eighteen percent of households in the US had at least one full-time servant or domestic.

There were only about 230 reported murders in the entire United States.

This was forwarded to me on the internet from someone else without typing it, and I put it here it for you in a matter of seconds, also without typing it! Try to imagine what it may be like in another 100 years. It staggers the mind.


The Funeral (Top)

A cardiologist died and was given an elaborate funeral. A huge heart covered in flowers stood behind the casket during the service.

Following the eulogy, the heart opened, and the casket rolled inside. The heart then closed, sealing the doctor in the beautiful heart forever.

At that point, one of the mourners burst into laughter. When all eyes stared at him, he said, "I'm sorry, I was just thinking of my own funeral........I'm a gynecologist."

And that's when the proctologist fainted.


The Wise Old Indian (Top)

An old Indian chief sat in his tent on the reservation, smoking a ceremonial pipe and eyeing two U.S. government officials sent to interview him.

"Chief Two Eagles," asked one official, "you have observed the white man for 90 years. You've seen his wars and his technological advances. You've seen his progress, and the damage he's done."

The chief nodded in agreement.

The official continued, "Considering all these events, in your opinion, where did the white man go wrong?"

The chief stared at the government officials for over a minute and then calmly replied, " When white man found the land, Indians were running it. No taxes, no debt, plenty buffalo, plenty beaver, women did all the work, medicine man free, Indian man spent all day hunting and fishing, all night having sex."

Then the chief leaned back and smiled, "Only white man dumb enough to think he could improve system like that."


Delicious Almonds (Top)

A tour bus driver is driving with a bus full of Sun City seniors down a highway, when a little old lady taps him on his shoulder. She offers him a handful of almonds, which he gratefully munches up.

After approximately 15 minutes, she taps him on his shoulder again and hands him another handful of almonds. She repeats this gesture about 8 times. At the 9th time he asks the lady why they do not eat the almonds themselves, whereupon she replied that it is not possible because of their old teeth, they cannot chew them.

"Why do you buy them then?" he asks, puzzled.

Whereupon the lady answers, "We just love the chocolate around them".


Women's Wisdom (Top)

A bachelor never quite gets over the idea that he is a thing of beauty and a boy forever.

A fool and her money are soon courted.

A Freudian slip is when you say one thing but mean your mother.

A good many women are good tempered simply because it saves the wrinkles coming too soon.

A husband is what is left of the lover after the nerve has been extracted.

A lady is one who never shows her underwear unintentionally.

A male gynecologist is like an auto mechanic who never owned a car.

A man’s got to do what a man’s go to do; a woman must do what he can’t.

A man has to be called Attila The Hun to be called ruthless; all a woman has to do is put you on hold.

A man in love is incomplete until he is married. Then he’s finished.

A man’s home may seem to be his castle on the outside; on the inside, it’s more often his nursery.

A sense of humour does not mean you tell him joe-ks; it means you laugh at his.

A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend; a successful woman is one who can find such a man.

A successful parent is one who raises a child who grows up and is able to pay for her or his own psychoanalysis.

A woman can look both moral and exciting – if she also looks as if it was quite a struggle.

A woman has to be twice as good as a man to go half as far.

A woman is like a teabag – you can’t tell how strong she is until you put her in hot water.

A woman past forty should make up her mind to be young, not her face.

A woman who will tell her age will tell anything.

A woman’s place is in the House and in the Senate.

A youth with his first cigar makes himself sick; a youth with his first girl makes everybody sick.

After thirty, a body has a mind of its own.

Always be nice to your children because they are the ones who will choose your rest home.

An archaeologist is the best husband a woman can have… the older she gets, the more interested he is in her.

As you climb the ladder of success, don’t let the boys look up your dress.

As you get older, the pickings get slimmer, but the people don’t.

Ask your child what he wants for dinner only if he’s buying.

Be bold in what you stand for and careful what you fall for.

Before marriage a man will lie awake all night thinking about something you said; after marriage he will fall asleep before you have finished saying it.

Behind every successful man is a surprised woman.

Behind every successful woman is a basket of dirty laundry.

Being young is beautiful, but being old is comfortable.

Best way to get a man to do something: suggest he's too old for it.

Between two evils, I always pick the one I never tried before.

Bite off more than you can chew, then chew it.

Boys will be boys, but girls will be women.

Brevity – the soul of lingerie.

Can you imagine a world without men? No crime and lots of happy, fat women.

The children of Israel wandered in the desert for 40 years. Even in biblical times, men wouldn't ask for directions.

Cleaning your house while the kids are still growing is like shoveling the walk before it stops snowing.

The cock may crow, but it’s the hen that lays the eggs.

Cynicism is an unpleasant way of saying the truth.

Deep down, I’m pretty superficial.

Definition of a bachelor: a man who has missed the opportunity to make some woman miserable.

Delusions of grandeur make me feel a lot better about myself.

The difference between government bonds and men is that government bonds mature.

Don’t be afraid that your life will end. Be afraid that it will never begin.

Don’t be humble – you’re not that great.

Don’t get your knickers in a knot; nothing is solved and it just makes you walk funny.

Don't imagine you can change a man - unless he's in diapers.

Don’t let ol’ folks tell you about the good ol’ days. I was there. Where was they at?

The dying process begins the minute we are born, but it accelerates during dinner parties.

The English think of an opinion as something which a decent person, if he has the misfortune to have one, does all he can to hide.

Expecting life to treat you well because you are a good person is like expecting an angry bull not to charge because you are a vegetarian.

Experience is a good teacher, but she sends in terrific bills.

Ginger Rogers did everything that Fred Astaire did, but she did it backwards and in high heels.

Give a man a fish and he eats for a day; Teach him how to fish and you get rid of him for the whole weekend.

Go for younger men. You might as well - they never mature anyway.

God will protect us, but to make sure, carry a heavy club.

Guilt is the price we pay willingly for doing what we are going to do anyway.

The hardest years in life are those between ten and seventy.

He talked and talked because he didn’t know what to say.

He who laughs, lasts.

How could I possibly overthrow the government when I can’t even keep my dog down?

Husbands are awkward things to deal with… even keeping them in hot water will not make them tender.

I always wanted to be somebody, but I should have been more specific.

I base most of my fashion taste on what doesn’t itch.

I believe in loyalty: when a woman reaches a certain age she likes, she should stick with it.

I buried a lot of ironing in the backyard.

I can sometimes deal with men as equals and therefore can afford to like them.

I can’t mate in captivity.

I do not refer to myself as a ‘housewife’ for the reason that I did not marry a house.

I don’t care what is written about me so long as it isn’t true.

I don’t have the time every day to put on makeup – I need that time to clean my rifle.

I generally avoid temptation unless I can’t resist it.

I go for two kinds of men: the kind with muscles, and the kind without.

I hate housework! You make the beds, you do the dishes – and six months later you have to start all over again.

I have a simple philosophy: Fill what’s empty, empty what’s full, and scratch where it itches.

I have often relied on the blindness of strangers.

I like men to behave like men – strong and childish.

I love children, especially when they cry, for then someone takes them away.

I love the male body – it’s better designed than the male mind.

I never go out unless I look like Joan Crawford the movie star. If you want to see the girl next door, go next door. Joan Crawford

I never know how much of what I say is true.

I personally think we developed language because of our deep inner need to complain.

I refuse to think of them as chin hairs - I think of them as stray eyebrows.

I rely on my personality for birth control.

I require 3 things in a man: He must be handsome, ruthless, and stupid.

I think being a woman is like being Irish… everyone says you’re important and nice but you take second place all the time.

I think every woman is entitled to a middle husband she can forget.

I think, therefore I’m single.

I used to dread getting older because I thought I would not be able to do all the things I wanted to do, but now that I am older I find that I don’t want to do them.

I want to find myself before somebody bigger does. I want to have children, but my friends scare me. One of my friends told me she was in labour for 36 hours. I don’t even want to do anything that feels good for 36 hours.

I was born in 1962… and the room next to me was 1963.

The idea of strictly minding our own business is rubbish – who could be so selfish?

I’d like to grow very old as slowly as possible.

If he asks what sort of books you're interested in, tell him chequebooks.

If high heels were so wonderful, men would be wearing them.

If I had learned to type, I never would have made brigadier general.

If it wasn’t for women, men would still be hanging from trees.

If men run the world, why do they wear neckties? How intelligent is it to start the day by tying a little noose around your neck?

If the world were a logical place, men would ride sidesaddle.

If they can put a man on the moon, why can’t they put all of them there?

If we could sell our experiences for what they cost us we’d be millionaires.

If you can keep your head about you when all about you are losing theirs, it’s just possible you haven’t grasped the situation.

If you don’t act as if your name were on the door, it never will be.

If you obey all the rules, you miss all the fun.

If you want a committed man, look in a mental hospital. I’m a marvelous housekeeper – every time I leave a man, I keep his house.

I’m extraordinarily patient provided I get my own way in the end.

I’m furious about Women’s Libbers. They keep getting up on soapboxes and proclaiming that women are brighter than men. That’s true, but it should be kept very quiet or it ruins the whole racket.

I’m having trouble managing the mansion. What I need is a wife.

I’m just a person trapped inside a woman’s body.

I’m like old wine… they don’t bring me out very often, but I’m well preserved.

I’m not offended by all the dumb blonde joe-ks because I know I’m not dumb… and I also know that I’m not blonde. Dolly Parton

I’m the foe of moderation, the champion of excess… I’d rather be strongly wrong than weakly right.

I’m tired of all this nonsense about beauty being only skin deep – what’s deep enough? What do you want – an adorable pancreas?

It’s interesting to speculate how it developed that in two of the most anti-feminist institutions (the Church and the Law Court), the men are wearing the dresses.

The important thing in acting is to be able to laugh and cry. If I have to cry, I think of my sex life; If I have to laugh, I think of my sex life.

In love with her own husband? Monstrous! What a selfish woman!

In politics, if you want anything said, ask a man; if you want anything done, ask a woman.

In times of great stress, such as a four-day vacation, the thin veneer of family unity wears off almost at once, and we are revealed in our true personalities.

Instant gratification takes too long.

Is sexual harassment at work a problem for the self-employed?

It’s a man’s world, and you men can have it.

It’s like magic… when you live by yourself, all your annoying habits are gone!

It’s never too late to be what you might have been.

It’s not easy being a mother… if it were easy, fathers would do it.

It’s not how old you are, but how you are old.

It’s not the having, it’s the getting.

It’s not the men in my life that count, it’s the life in my men.

It’s not true that life is one damn thing after another – it’s one damn thing over and over.

It’s the good girls who keep the diaries; the bad girls never have the time.

I’ve been on a calendar, but never on time.

I’ve been on a constant diet for the last two decades. I’ve lost a total of 876 pounds. By all accounts, I should be hanging from a charm bracelet.

I’ve been rich and I’ve been poor. Rich is better.

I’ve often wished I’d had time to cultivate modesty… but I’m too busy thinking about myself.

Just being in a room with myself is almost more stimulation than I can bear.

Just remember – we’re all in this alone.

Lead me not into temptation… I can find the way myself.

Life is easier than you think… all that is necessary is to accept the impossible, do without the indispensable, and bear the intolerable.

Life is something to do when you can’t get to sleep.

Life’s a rash, and then there’s death and the itching’s over.

Love is blind, but marriage is a real eye-opener.

Love is much nicer to be in than an automobile accident, a tight girdle, a higher tax bracket, or a holding pattern over Toronto.

Love is a fire… you can never tell whether it is going to warm your hearth or burn down your house.

Love never dies of starvation, but often of indigestion.

The male is a domestic animal which, if treated with firmness and kindness, can be trained to do most things.

Macho does not prove mucho.

Man forgives woman anything save the wit to outwit him.

Marriage: the beginning and the end are wonderful… but the middle part is hell.

Marriage is a bargain, and somebody has to get the worst of a bargain.

Marriage is a great institution, but I’m not ready for an institution…

Marriage is the only thing that affords a woman the pleasure of company and the prefect sensation of solitude at the same time.

Marrying a man is like buying something you’ve been admiring for a long time in a shop window. You may love it when you get it home, but it doesn’t always go with everything else in the house.

Meeting: A place where you take minutes but waste lots of hours.

Men are all the same - they just have different faces so that you can tell them apart.

Men are creatures with eight hands.

Men are not opposed to women working, just against their being paid for it.

Men weren’t really the enemy – they were fellow victims suffering from an outmoded masculine mystique that made them feel unnecessarily inadequate when there were no bears to kill.

Men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage – they’ve experienced pain and bought jewelry.

Money isn’t everything, but it ranks right up there with oxygen.

The most effective form of birth control I know is spending the day with my kids.

Moses dragged us for 40 years through the desert to bring us to the one place in the Middle East where there was no oil.

My ancestors wandered lost in the wilderness for forty years because even in biblical times, men would not stop to ask for directions.

My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was sixty. She’s 97 now and we don’t know where she is.

My husband and I are either going to buy a dog or have a child… we can’t decide whether to ruin the carpet or ruin our lives.

My husband and I have figured out a really god system about the housework: neither one of us does it.

My idea of superwoman is someone who scrubs her own floors.

My mother always told me I wouldn’t amount to anything because I procrastinate. I said, “Just wait.”

My mother said it was simple to keep a man: you must be a maid in the living room; a cook in the kitchen; and a whore in the bedroom. I said I’d hire the other two and take care of the bedroom bit.

Never accept an invitation from a stranger unless he gives you candy.

Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died.

Never lend your car to anyone to whom you have given birth.

Never let your man's mind wander - it's too little to be out alone.

Never play peekaboo with a child on a long plane trip – there’s no end to the game.

Ninety-eight percent of the adults in this country are decent, hard-working, honest Canadians. It’s the other lousy two percent that get all the publicity. But then… we elected them.

No good deed goes unpunished.

No matter how cynical you get, it’s impossible to keep up.

Not all women give most of their waking thoughts to the problem of pleasing men… some are married.

Not only is life a bitch, it has puppies.

Old age is life’s parody.

Old age is like a plane flying through a storm… once you are aboard there is nothing you can do.

Old age is when the liver spots show through your gloves.

One reason I don’t drink is I want to know when I’m having a good time.

The only reason I would take up jogging is so that I could hear heavy breathing again.

The only thing I like about rich people is their money.

The only time a woman really succeeds in changing a man is when he’s a baby.

The opposite of talking isn’t listening; the opposite of talking is waiting.

People who are always making allowances for themselves soon go bankrupt.

People would have more leisure time if it weren’t for all the leisure-time activities that use it up.

Perhaps one has to be very old before one learns how to be amused rather than shocked.

Personally, I know nothing about sex because I’ve always been married.

Plain women know more about men than beautiful ones do.

Powerful men often succeed through the help of their wives. Powerful women only succeed in spite of their husbands.

The real menace in dealing with a 5-year-old is that in no time at all you begin to sound like a 5-year-old.

Reality is a crutch for people who can’t cope with drugs.

Reality is the leading cause of stress for those in touch with it.

The really frightening thing about middle age is the knowledge that you’ll grow out of it.

The reason there are so few female politicians is that it is too much trouble to put makeup on two faces.

Remember that as a teenager you are at the last stage in your life when you will be happy to hear that the phone is for you.

Sadly, all men are created equal.

Salary is no object… I want only enough to keep body and soul apart.

Science may carry us to Mars, but it will leave the earth populated as ever by the inept.

Self-esteem isn’t everything; it’s just that there’s nothing without it.

Sex appeal is 50% what you’ve got and 50% what people think you’ve got.

She runs the gamut of emotions from A to B.

She didn’t know it couldn’t be done so she went ahead and did it.

She’s the kind of girl who climbed the ladder of success, wrong by wrong.

Show me a woman who doesn’t feel guilty and I’ll show you a man.

Some minds remain open long enough for the truth not only to enter but to pass on through by way of a ready exit without pausing anywhere along the route.

Some of us are becoming the men we wanted to marry.

Sometimes I worry about being a success in a mediocre world.

Speak up for yourself, or you’ll end up a rug.

Success didn’t spoil me – I’ve always been insufferable.

The statistics on sanity are that one out of every four Canadians is suffering from some form of mental illness. Think of your three best friends. If they are okay, then it’s you.

The telephone is a good way to talk to people without having to buy them a drink.

Television has proved that people will look at anything rather than each other.

The surest way to be alone is to get married.

There are far too many men in politics and not enough elsewhere.

There are no old people nowadays – they are either “wonderful for their age” or dead.

There are three ways to get something done: (1) do it yourself; (2) employ someone; or (3) forbid your children to do it.

There is no pleasure in having nothing to do; the fun is having lots to do and not doing it.

There is so little difference between husbands, you might as well keep the first.

They say getting thin is the best revenge… Success is much better.

They say women talk too much. If you have worked with politicians you know that the filibuster was invented by men.

This is not a novel to be tossed aside lightly… it should be thrown with great force.

To be satisfied with little is hard; to be satisfied with a lot, impossible.

To think too long about doing a thing often becomes its undoing.

Too much of a good thing can be wonderful.

The tombstone is the only thing that can stand upright and lie on its face at the same time.

The trouble with most English women is that they will dress as if they had been a mouse in a previous incarnation.

The trouble with some women is that they get all excited about nothing – and then marry him.

Trust your husband – adore your husband, and get as much as you can in your name.

The trouble with the rat race is that even if you win, you’re still a rat.

Unfortunately, sometimes people don’t hear you until you scream.

Until you’ve lost your reputation, you never realize what a burden it was or what freedom really is.

Violet will be a good colour for hair at just about the same time that brunette becomes a good colour for flowers.

We had a lot in common – I loved him and he loved him.

We thought we were running away from the grown-ups, and now we are the grown-ups.

What do you do if your boyfriend walks out? You shut the door.

What you have become is the price you paid to get what you used to want.

What you think is the heart may well be another organ.

Whatever women do they must do twice as well as men to be thought half as good… luckily, this is not difficult.

When a girl marries, she exchanges the attention of many men for the inattention of one.

When a woman behaves like a man, why doesn’t she behave like a nice man?

When faced with a decision, I always ask, “What would be the most fun?”

When fate’s got it in for you, there’s no limit to what you may have to put up with.

When he’s late for dinner, I know he must be either having an affair or lying dead in the street. I always hope it’s the street.

When we talk to God, we’re praying. When God talks to us, we’re schizophrenic.

When women get depressed they either eat or go shopping; Men invade another country.

When women go wrong, men go right after them.

When you have no problems, you’re dead.

Whenever I date a guy, I think, “Is this the man I want my children to spend their weekends with?”

Whenever one of us falls in love, our friends watch as they would the progress of a disease.

Whenever you see food beautifully arranged on a plate, you know someone’s fingers have been all over it.

While forbidden fruit is said to taste sweeter, it usually spoils faster.

Wit has truth in it; wisecracking is simply calisthenics with words.

Who ever thought up the word mammogram? Every time I hear it, I think I’m supposed to put my breast in an envelope and mail it to someone.

Why do grandparents and grandchildren get along so well? They have the same enemy – the mother.

Why does a slight tax increase cost you $200 and a substantial tax cut save you thirty cents?

Woman’s rule of thumb: if it has tires or testicles, you’re going to have trouble with it.

Women and elephants never forget.

Women are in the military, but they don’t put us in the front lines – they don’t think we can fight. I think we can – all the general has to do is walk over to the women and say, “You see the enemy over there? They say you look fat in those uniforms.”

Women don't make fools of men - most of them are the do-it-yourself types.

Women might be able to fake orgasms, but men can fake entire relationships.

Women want men, careers, money, children, friends, luxury, comfort, independence, freedom, respect, love, and a three-dollar pantyhose that won’t run.

Women who aspire to be as good as men lack ambition.

The women who do the most work get the least money, and the women who have the most money do the least work.

Years ago, fairy tales began with "Once upon a time". Now they all begin with "If I am elected."

You can’t put a price tag on love, but you can on all its accessories.

You’d be surprised how much it costs to look this cheap.

You grow up the day you have your first real laugh – at yourself.


Why You Never Question A Drunk (Top)

A woman was shopping at her local supermarket where she selected: a half-gallon of 2% milk, a carton of eggs, a quart of orange juice, a head of romaine lettuce, a 2 lb. can of coffee, and a 1 lb. package of bacon.

As she was unloading her items on the conveyor belt to check out, a drunk standing behind her watched as she placed the items in front of the cashier. While the cashier was ringing up her purchases, the drunk calmly stated," You must be single."

The woman was a bit startled by this proclamation, but she was intrigued by the derelict's intuition, since she was indeed single. She looked at her six items on the belt and saw nothing particularly unusual about her selections that could have tipped off the drunk to her marital status. Curiosity getting the better of her, she said "Well, you know what, you're absolutely correct. But how on earth did you know that?"

The drunk replied, "'Cause you're ugly"


Dear Abby (Top)

Dear Abby,

My husband is a liar and a cheat. He has cheated on me from the beginning, and when I confront him, he denies everything. What's worse everyone knows he cheats on me. It is so humiliating. Also since he lost his job two years ago, he hasn't even looked for a new one. All he does is buy cigars and cruise around and bull---- with his pals, while I have to work to pay the bills. Since our daughter went away to college he doesn't even pretend to like me and hints that I am a lesbian. What should I do?

               Signed, Clueless

Dear Clueless:

Grow up and dump him. You don't need him anymore. For Pete's sake, you're a United States Senator from New York now!

               Signed, Abby


Only in California (Top)

. . . . . . . . . . and we thought rednecks had problems

So as not to be outdone by all the redneck, hillbilly, and Texan jokes, you know you're from California if:

1. Your coworker has 8 body piercings and none are visible.

2. You make over $300,000 and still can't afford a house.

3. You take a bus and are shocked at two people carrying on a conversation in English.

4. Your child's 3rd-grade teacher has purple hair, a nose ring, and is named Flower.

5. You can't remember . . . . . is pot illegal?

6. You've been to a baby shower that has two mothers and a sperm donor.

7. You have a very strong opinion a bout where your coffee beans

are grown, and you can taste the difference between Sumatran and Ethiopian.

8. You can't remember . . . is pot illegal?

9. A really great parking space can totally move you to tears.

10. Gas costs $1.00 per gallon more than anywhere else in the U.S.

11. Unlike back home, the guy at 8:30 am at Starbucks wearing a baseball cap and sunglasses who looks like George Clooney really IS George Clooney.

12. Your car insurance costs as much as your house payment.

13. You can't remember . . . .is pot illegal?

14. It's barely sprinkling rain and there's a report on every news station: "STORM WATCH."

15. You pass an elementary school playground and the children are all busy with their cells or pagers.

16. It's barely sprinkling rain outside, so you leave for work an hour early to avoid all the weather-related accidents.

17. HEY!!!! Is pot illegal????

18. Both you AND your dog have therapists.

19. The Terminator is your governor.

20. If you drive illegally, they take your driver's license. If you're here illegally, they want to give you one.


The New Pope (Top)

There were two Catholic boys, Timothy Murphy and Antonio Secola, whose lives parallel each other in amazing ways. In the same year Timothy was born in Ireland, Antonio was born in Italy. Faithfully they attended parochial school from kindergarten through their senior year in high school.

They took their vows to enter the priesthood early in college and, upon graduation, became priests.

Their careers had come to amaze the world, but it was generally acknowledged that Antonio Secola was just a cut above Timothy Murphy in all respects.

Their rise through the ranks of Bishop, Archbishop and finally Cardinal was swift to say the least, and the Catholic world knew that when the present Pope died, it would be one of these two who would become the next Pope.

In time the Pope did die, and the College of Cardinals went to work. In less time than anyone had expected, white smoke rose from the chimney and the world waited to see whom they had chosen.

The world, Catholic, Protestant and secular, was surprised to learn that Timothy Murphy had been elected Pope!!

Antonio Secola was beyond surprise. He was devastated, because even with all of Timothy's gifts, Antonio knew he was the better qualified.

With gall that shocked the Cardinals, Antonio Secola asked for a private session with them in which he candidly asked, "Why Timothy?"

After a long silence, an old Cardinal took pity on the bewildered man and rose to reply. "We knew you were the better of the two, but we just could not bear the thought of the leader of the Roman Catholic Church being called Pope Secola."


Blonde Ice Fishing (Top)

A blonde wanted to go ice fishing, so after getting all of the right tools, she headed toward the nearest frozen lake.

After getting comfy on her stool she started to cut a circular hole in the ice. Then from the heavens a voice boomed,

"THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE."

Startled, the blonde moved further down the ice, poured a thermos of hot chocolate and started to cut yet another hole in the ice. The voice boomed,

"THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE."

This time quite scared, the blonde moved to the far end of the ice. Then she started another hole and once again the voice said,

"THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE."

The very scared blonde raised her head and said, "Is that you, Lord?"

The voice answered,

"NO. IT IS THE MANAGER OF THE ICE RINK."


A Life Sentence (Top)

A woman awakes during the night to find her husband was not in bed. She puts on her robe and goes downstairs to look for him.

She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a cup of coffee in front of him. He appears to be in deep thought, just staring at the wall. She watches as he wiped a tear from his eye and takes a sip of his coffee.

"What's the matter, dear?", she whispers as she steps into the room, "Why are you down here at this time of night?"

The husband looks up from his coffee," Do you remember 20 years ago when we were dating, and you were only 16?" he asks solemnly.

"Yes, I do," she replies.

The husband paused. The words were not coming easily. "Do you remember when your father caught us in the back seat of my car making love?"

"Yes, I remember" said the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside him.

The husband continued. "Do you remember when he shoved the shotgun in my face and said, 'Either you marry my daughter, or I'll send you to jail for 20 years?'"

"I remember that too" she replied softly.

He wiped another tear from his cheek and said, "I would have gotten out today."

Math and Stuff (Top)

ROMANCE MATHEMATICS
Smart man + smart woman = romance
Smart man + dumb woman = affair
Dumb man + smart woman = marriage
Dumb man + dumb woman = pregnancy

OFFICE ARITHMETIC
Smart boss + smart employee = profit
Smart boss + dumb employee = production
Dumb boss + smart employee = promotion
Dumb boss + dumb employee = overtime

SHOPPING MATH
A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.
A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need.

GENERAL EQUATIONS & STATISTICS
A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.

A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

HAPPINESS
To be happy with a man, you must understand him a lot and love him a little.
To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot and not try to understand her at all.

LONGEVITY
Married men live longer than single men do,
but married men are a lot more willing to die.

PROPENSITY TO CHANGE
A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.
A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, and she does.

DISCUSSION TECHNIQUE
A woman has the last word in any argument.
Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.

COMPREHENSION There are 2 times when a man doesn't understand a woman - before marriage and after marriage.

HOW TO STOP PEOPLE FROM BUGGING YOU ABOUT GETTING MARRIED: Old aunts used to come up to me at weddings, poking me in the ribs and cackling, telling me, "You're next." They stopped after I started doing the same thing to them at funerals.


Marriage and Communication (Top)

While attending a marriage seminar on communication, Wally and his wife Carolyn listened to the instructor declare, "It is essential that husbands and wives know the things that are important to each other."

He addressed the men, "Can you describe your wife's favorite flower?"

Wally leaned over, touched Carolyn's arm gently and whispered, "Pillsbury All-Purpose, isn't it?"

And thus began Wally's life of celibacy


The Saturday Fisherman (Top)

Every Saturday morning he goes fishing. He gets up early and eager, makes his lunch, hooks up his boat and off he goes...all day long.

Well, one Saturday morning he gets up early, dresses quietly, gets his lunch made, puts on his long johns, grabs the dog and goes to the garage to hookup his boat to the truck and down the driveway he goes.

Coming out of his garage rain is pouring down; it is like a torrential downpour. There is snow mixed in with the rain, and the wind is blowing 50 mph.

Minutes later, he returns to the garage. He comes back into the house and turns the TV to the weather channel. He finds it's going to be bad weather all day long, so he puts his boat back in the garage, quietly undresses and slips back into bed.

There he cuddles up to his wife's back, now with a different anticipation, and whispers, "The weather out there is terrible."

To which she sleepily replies, "Can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that stuff?"


FOOD FOR THOUGHT (Top)

The most destructive habit......................Worry

The greatest Joy...............................Giving

The greatest loss................Loss of self-respect

The most satisfying work...............Helping others

The ugliest personality trait.............Selfishness

The most endangered species.........Dedicated leaders

Our greatest natural resource...............Our youth

The greatest "shot in the arm"..........Encouragement

The greatest problem to overcome.................Fear

The most effective sleeping pill........Peace of mind

The most crippling failure disease............Excuses

The most powerful force in life..................Love

The most dangerous pariah..................A gossiper

The world's most incredible computer........The brain

The worst thing to be without................... Hope

The deadliest weapon.......................The tongue

The two most power-filled words..............."I Can"

The greatest asset..............................Faith

The most worthless emotion..................Self-pity

The most prized possession..................Integrity

The most beautiful attire.......................SMILE

The most powerful channel of communication.....Prayer

The most contagious spirit.................Enthusiasm

The most important thing in life..................GOD


Build A Bridge (Top)

There was a guy walking down the street in San Francisco, and he tripped over an old looking oil lamp. He picked it up and hid it under his jacket, because he thought it was priceless. While he was running to the antique shop to cash this puppy in, it rubbed against his shirt. POOF! A genie popped out of his pocket!

The very angry looking Genie said, "All right, I have had enough with this three wish stuff, and 'cuz you stole me away from my HBO Special, I will only give you one wish!"

The surprised man said, "OK, I want to live in Hawaii in a huge condo on the beach with three million dollars in the master bedroom, but I am afraid of boats and planes so I want you to build a bridge from here to Hawaii."

The genie replied with a smirk, "Are you crazy? Do you know how long that will take, with the pillars going down to the bottom of the ocean, all the cement it would take for the highway? No, I'm sorry, it just can't happen."

The man said, "Fine then, I want to understand women."

The genie said, "Would you like two lanes or four?


Trouble Tree (Top)

I hired a plumber to help me restore an old farmhouse, and after he had just finished a rough first day on the job: a flat tire made him lose an hour of work, his electric drill quit and his ancient one ton truck refused to start. While I drove him home, he sat in stony silence.

On arriving, he invited me in to meet his family. As we walked toward the front door, he paused briefly at a small tree, touching the tips of the branches with both hands. When opening the door he underwent an amazing transformation. His tanned face was wreathed in smiles and he hugged his two small children and gave his wife a kiss.

Afterward he walked me to the car. We passed the tree and my curiosity got the better of me. I asked him about what I had seen him do earlier.

"Oh, that's my trouble tree," he replied. "I know I can't help having troubles on the job, but one thing's for sure, those troubles don't belong in the house with my wife and the children. So I just hang them up on the tree every night when I come home and ask God to take care of them. Then in the morning I pick them up again."

"Funny thing is," he smiled, "when I come out in the morning to pick 'em up, there aren't nearly as many as I remember hanging up the night before."


Things to wonder about (Top)

Can you cry under water?

How important does a person have to be before they are considered assassinated instead of just murdered?

If money doesn't grow on trees then why do banks have branches?

Since bread is square, then why is sandwich meat round?

Why do you have to "put your two cents in"...but it's only a "penny" for your thoughts"? Where's that extra penny going to?

Once you're in heaven, do you get stuck wearing the clothes you were buried in for eternity?

Why does a round pizza come in a square box?

What did cured ham actually have?

How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a good idea to put wheels on luggage?

Why is it that people say they "slept like a baby" when babies wake up like every two hours?

If a deaf person has to go to court, is it still called a hearing?

If you drink Pepsi at work in the Coke factory, will they fire you? (yes they will)

Why are you IN a movie, but you're ON TV?

Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars to look at things on the ground?

How come we choose from just two people for President and fifty for Miss America?

Why do doctors leave the room while you change? They're going to see you naked anyway.

If a 911 operator has a heart attack, whom does he/she call?

and finally...

Why is "bra" singular and "panties" plural????


This is Good (Top)

The story is told of a king in Africa who had a close friend with whom he grew up. The friend had a habit of looking at every situation that ever occurred in his life (positive or negative) and remarking, "This is good!"

One day the king and his friend were out on a hunting expedition. The friend would load and prepare the guns for the king. The friend had apparently done something wrong in preparing one of the guns, for after taking the gun from his friend, the king fired it and his thumb was blown off. Examining the situation the friend remarked as usual, "This is good!"

To which the king replied, "No, this is NOT good!" and proceeded to send his friend to jail.

About a year later, the king was hunting in an area that he should have known to stay clear of. Cannibals captured him and took them to their village. They tied his hands, stacked some wood, set up a stake and bound him to the stake.

As they came near to set fire to the wood, they noticed that the king was missing a thumb. Being superstitious, they never ate anyone that was less than whole. So untying the king, they sent him on his way.

As he returned home, he was reminded of the event that had taken his thumb and felt remorse for his treatment of his friend. He went immediately to the jail to speak with his friend.

"You were right," he said, "it was good that my thumb was blown off." And he proceeded to tell the friend all that had just happened. "And so am very sorry for sending you to jail for so long. It was bad for me to do this."

"No," his friend replied, "This is good!"

"What do you mean, 'This is good'? How could it be good that I sent my friend to jail for a year?"

"If I had NOT been in jail, I would have been with you!"


A Grave Tragedy (Top)

A man placed some flowers on the grave of his dearly departed mother and started back toward his car when his attention was diverted to another man kneeling at a grave.

The man seemed to be praying with profound intensity and kept repeating, "Why did you have to die? Why did you have to die? Why did you have to die? Why did you have to die?"

The first man approached him and said, "Sir, I don't wish to interfere with your private grief, but this demonstration of pain is more than I've ever seen before. For whom do you mourn so deeply? A child? A parent?"

The mourner took a moment to collect himself, then replied... "My wife's first husband."


New ATM Instructions (Top)

Please note that the Bank is installing new " drive-through" teller machines.Customers will be able to withdraw cash without leaving their vehicles. To enable customers to use this new facility, the following procedures have been drawn up.

Please read the procedure that applies to your own circumstances (i.e., Male or Female) and remember it when you use the machine for the first time.

Male Procedure

A. Drive up to the cash machine.

B. Put down your car window.

C. Insert card into machine and enter PIN.

D. Enter amount of cash required and withdraw.

E. Retrieve card, cash and receipt.

F. Put window up.

G. Drive off.

Female Procedure

A. Drive up to cash machine.

B. Reverse car to back up the required amount to align car window to machine.

C. Set parking brake; put the window down.

D. Find handbag, remove all contents onto passenger seat to locate card.

E. Turn the radio down.

F. Attempt to insert card into machine.

G. Open car door to allow easier access to machine due to its excessive distance from the car.

H. Insert card.

I. Reinsert card the right way up.

J. Dig through handbag to find diary with your PIN written on the inside back page.

K. Enter PIN.

L. Press cancel and reenter correct PIN.

M. Enter amount of cash required.

N. Check make-up in rear view mirror.

O. Retrieve cash and receipt.

P. Empty handbag again to locate wallet and place cash inside.

Q. Place receipt in back of checkbook.

R. Recheck make-up again.

S. Drive forward 2 feet.

T. Reverse back to cash machine.

U. Retrieve card.

V. Re-empty hand bag, locate card holder, and place card into the slot provided.

W. Give appropriate one-fingered hand signal to irate male drivers in line behind you.

X. Restart stalled engine and pull off.

Y. Drive for 2 to 3 miles.

Z. Release Parking Brake


Son to be Proud of (Top)

Every Sunday, a little old lady placed $1,000 in the collection plate. This went on for weeks until the priest, overcome by curiosity, approached her. "Madam, I couldn't help but notice that you put $1,000 a week in the collection plate," he stated.

"Why yes," she replied, "every week my son sends me money, and what I don't need I give to the church."

The priest replied... "That's wonderful, how much does he send you?"

The old lady said.... "Oh, $20,000 a week."

The Priest was amazed... "Your son is very successful, what does he do for a living?"

"He is a veterinarian," she answered.

"That is a very honorable profession. The priest says. Where does he practice?"

The old lady says proudly...."Well, he has one cat house in Las Vegas and another in Reno."


Enterprising Farmer (Top)

Farmer John lived on a quiet rural highway. But, as time went by, the traffic slowly built up at an alarming rate. The traffic was so heavy and so fast that his chickens were being run over at a rate of three to six a day.

So one day Farmer John called the sheriff's office and said, "You've got to do something about all of these people driving so fast and killing all of my chickens."

"What do you want me to do?" asked the sheriff.

"I don't care, just do something about those crazy drivers!"

So the next day he had the county workers go out and erected a sign that said:

       SLOW: SCHOOL CROSSING

Three days later Farmer John called the sheriff and said, "You've got to do something about these drivers. The 'school crossing' sign seems to make them go even faster." So, again, the sheriff sends out the county workers and they put up a new sign:

       SLOW: CHILDREN AT PLAY

That really sped them up. So Farmer John called and called and called every day for three weeks. Finally, he asked the sheriff, "Your signs are doing no good. Can I put up my own sign?"

The sheriff told him, "Sure thing, put up your own sign." He was going to let the Farmer John do just about anything in order to get him to stop calling everyday to complain.

The sheriff got no more calls from Farmer John. Three weeks later, curiosity got the best of the sheriff and he decided to give Farmer John a call. "How's the problem with those drivers. Did you put up your sign?" "Oh, I sure did. And not one chicken has been killed since then. I've got to go. I'm very busy." He hung up the phone.

The sheriff was really curious now and he thought to himself, "I'd better go out there and take a look at that sign... it might be something that WE could use to slow down drivers." So the sheriff drove out to Farmer John's house, and his jaw dropped the moment he saw the sign. It was spray-painted on a sheet of wood:

                NUDIST COLONY

    GO SLOW AND WATCH OUT FOR THE CHICKS


Wooo Wooo Wooo (Top)

Two Indians and a Hillbilly were walking in the woods, all of a sudden one of the Indians ran up a hill to the mouth of a small cave.

"Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!" he called into the cave and then he listened very closely until he heard an answering,
"Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!"
He tore off his clothes and ran into cave.

The Hillbilly was puzzled and asked the other Indian what that was all about. "Was he crazy or what?"

"No," said the Indian. "It is our custom during mating season when Indian men see cave, they holler
"Wooooo Wooooo! Wooooo!"
into the opening. If they get an answer back, it means there is a girl in there waiting to mate."

Just then they saw another cave. The second Indian ran up to the opening of the cave, stopped and hollered,
"Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!"
Immediately, there was an answering
"Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!"
from deep inside the cave. He tore off his clothes and ran into the cave.

The Hillbilly wandered around in the woods alone for a while, and then he came upon a great big cave. As he looked in amazement at the size of the huge opening, he was thinking, "Hoo, man! Look at the size of this cave! It is bigger than those the Indians found. There must be some really big, fine women in this cave!"

He stood in front of the opening and hollered with all his might
"Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!"
He grinned and closed his eyes in anticipation, and then he heard the answering call,
"WOOOOOOOOO! WOOOOOOOOO! WOOOOOOOOO!"
With a gleam in his eyes and a smile on his face, he raced into the cave, tearing off his clothes as he ran.

The following day, the headline of the local Newspaper read...

"NAKED HILLBILLY RUN OVER BY FREIGHT TRAIN"


The Vacation (Top)

Two priests were going to Hawaii on vacation and decided that they would make this a REAL vacation by not wearing anything that would identify them as clergy.

As soon as the plane landed they headed for a store and bought some really outrageous shorts, shirts, sandals, sunglasses, etc.

The next morning they headed for the beach, dressed in their "tourist" garb. They were sitting on their beach chairs, enjoying a drink when all of a sudden this "drop dead gorgeous" blonde in a tiny bikini came walking straight toward them.

They couldn't help staring.

As she passed by she smiled and said, "Good Morning, Father, Good Morning, Father" nodding and addressing each of them individually.

They were both stunned. How in the world did she know they were priests?

The next day, they went back to the store and bought even more outrageous outfits. This time they were so loud, you could hear them coming before you could see them. Again, they settled on the beach in their chairs to enjoy the sunshine.

After a while, the same gorgeous blond came strolling by. This time her bikini was even more daring. They were really glad that they were wearing sunglasses, because their eyes were about to pop out of their heads.

As she approached, she again nodded and said, "Good morning, Father, Good morning, Father," and started to walk away.

One of the priests couldn't stand it. "Wait, please young lady. Yes, we are priests and proud of it, but I have to know - how in the world could you tell that we are both priests?"

"Father, it's me, Sister Angela."


HOW TO STAY YOUNG (Top)

1. Remember, there is no way you can look as bad as that person on your drivers license.

2. Throw out nonessential numbers. This includes age, weight and height. Let the doctors worry about them. That is why you pay them.

3. Keep only cheerful friends. The grouches pull you down.

4. Keep learning. Learn more about the computer, crafts, gardening, whatever. Never let the brain idle. " An idle mind is the devil's workshop." And the devil's name is Alzheimer's.

5. Enjoy the simple things.

6. Laugh often, long and loud. Laugh until you gasp for breath.

7. The tears happen. Endure, grieve, and move on. The only person who is with us our entire life, is ourselves. Be ALIVE while you are alive.

8. Surround yourself with what you love, whether it's family, pets, keepsakes, music, plants, hobbies, whatever. Your home is your refuge.

9. Cherish your health: If it is good, preserve it. If it is unstable, improve it. If it is beyond what you can improve, get help.

10. Don't take guilt trips. Take a trip to the mall, to the next county, to a foreign country, but NOT to where the guilt is.

11. Tell the people you love that you love them, at every opportunity.

12. Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things.

AND ALWAYS REMEMBER: Humpty Dumpty was pushed!


Bang, Bang (Top)

A 90-year-old man said to his doctor, "I've never felt better. I have an 18-year-old bride who is pregnant with my child. What do you think about that Doc?"

The doctor considered his question for a minute and then said, "I have an elderly friend who is a hunter and never misses a season. One day when he was going out in a bit of a hurry, he accidently picked up his umbrella instead of his gun. When he got to the creek, he saw a beaver sitting beside the stream. He raised his umbrella and went 'Bang, bang' and the beaver fell over dead. Now what do you think of that?"

The 90-year-old said, "I'd say somebody else shot that beaver!"

The doctor replied, "My point exactly."


Give Us This Day Our Daily Chicken (Top)

The CEO of Tyson Foods manages to arrange a meeting with the Pope at the Vatican. After receiving the papal blessing, he whispers, "Your eminence, we have an offer for you. Tyson Foods is prepared to donate $100 million dollars to the church if you change the Lord's Prayer from 'give us this day our daily bread' to 'give us this day our daily chicken.'"

The Pope responds, "That is impossible. The Prayer is the word of the Lord - it must not be changed."

"Well," says the Tyson man, "we anticipated your reluctance. For this reason, we will increase our offer to $300 million dollars. All we require is that you change the Lord's Prayer from 'give us this day our daily bread' to 'give us this day our daily chicken.'"

Again, the Pope replies, "That, my son, is impossible. For the prayer is the word of the Lord and it must not be changed."

Finally, the Tyson guy says, "Your Holiness, we at Tyson admire your adherence to your faith, but we do have one final offer.

We will donate $500 million dollars - that's half a billion dollars - to the great Catholic Church if you would only change the Lord's Prayer from 'give us this day our daily bread' to 'give us this day our daily chicken.' Please consider it." And he leaves.

The next day the Pope convenes the College of Cardinals. "There is some good news," he announces, "and some bad news."

"The good news is that the Church has come into $500 million dollars."

"And the bad news, your eminence?" asks a Cardinal.

"We're losing the Wonderbread account."


The Paint Job (Top)

A blonde, wanting to earn some extra money, decided to hire herself out as a handyman type person and started canvassing a well-to-do neighborhood. She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any jobs for her to do.

"Well, you can paint my porch. How much will you charge?"

The blonde said, "How about $50?"

The man agreed and told her that the paint and other materials that she might need were in the garage. The man's wife, inside the house, heard the conversation and said to her husband, "Does she realize that the porch goes all the way around the house?"

The man replied, "She should, she was standing on it."

A short time later the blonde came to the door to collect her money.

"You're finished already?" he said.

"Yes," the blonde answered, " and I had paint left over, so gave it two coats "

Impressed, the man reached into his pocket for the $50.

"And by the way," the blonde added, "it's not a Porch, it's a Mercedes."


Gonna be a bear (Top)

In this life I'm a woman.

In my next life, I'd like to come back as a bear. When you're a bear, you get to hibernate. You do nothing but sleep for six months. I could deal with that.

Before you hibernate, you're supposed to eat yourself stupid. I could deal with that, too.

When you're a girl bear, you birth your children (who are the size of walnuts) while you're sleeping and wake to partially grown, cute cuddly cubs. I could definitely deal with that.

If you're a mama bear, everyone knows you mean business. You swat anyone who bothers your cubs. If your cubs get out of line, you swat them too. I could deal with that.

If you're a bear, your mate EXPECTS you to wake up growling. He EXPECTS that you will have hairy legs and excess body fat.

Yup... gonna be a bear.


Mother-in-law (Top)

A guy goes on vacation to the Holy Land with his wife and mother-in-law.

The mother-in-law dies.

They go to an undertaker who explains that they can ship the body home but that it'll cost over $5000, whereas they can bury her in the Holy Land for only $150.

The guy says, "We'll ship her home."

The undertaker asks, "Are you sure?

That's an awfully big expense and we can do a very nice burial here."

The guy says, "Look, 2000 years ago they buried a guy here and three days later he rose from the dead.

I just can't take that chance."


Minnesota Vacation (Top)

A couple goes on vacation to a fishing resort in northern Minnesota.

The husband likes to fish at the crack of dawn. The wife likes to read.

One morning the husband returns after several hours of fishing and decides to take a nap.

Although not familiar with the lake, the wife decides to take the boat out.

She motors out a short distance, anchors, and continues to read her book.

Along comes a game warden in his boat. He pulls up alongside the woman and says, "Good morning, Ma'am. What are you doing?"

"Reading a book," she replies, thinking, isn't that obvious?

"You're in a restricted fishing area," he informs her.

"I'm sorry officer, but I'm not fishing, I'm reading."

"Yes, but you have all the equipment. I'll have to take you in and write you up."

"If you do that, I'll have to charge you with sexual assault." says the woman.

"But I haven't even touched you," says the game warden.

"That's true, but you have all the equipment."

MORAL: Never argue with a woman who reads. It's likely she can also think.


The Bank Loan (Top)

A Blonde walks into a bank in New York City and asks for the loan officer. She says she is going to Europe on business for two weeks and needs to borrow $5,000. The bank officer says the bank will need some kind of security for such a loan, so the Blonde hands over the keys to a new Rolls Royce parked on the street in front of the bank. Everything checks out, and the bank agrees to accept the car as collateral for the loan. An employee drives the Rolls into the bank's underground garage and parks it there.

Two weeks later, the Blonde returns, repays the $5,000 and the interest, which comes to $15.41. The loan officer says, "We are very happy to have had your business, and this transaction has worked out very nicely, but we are a little puzzled. While you were away, we checked you out and found that you are a multimillionaire. What puzzles us is why would you bother to borrow $5,000?" The Blonde replied, "Where else in New York can I park my car for two weeks for 15 bucks?"


WHAT SEX ARE THEY? (Top)

ZIPLOC BAGS - male, because they hold everything in, but you can always see right through them.

SHOE - male, because it is usually unpolished, with its tongue hanging out.

COPIER - female, because once turned off, it takes a while to warm up.

TIRE - male, because it goes bald and often is over-inflated.

HOT AIR BALLOON - male, because to get it to go anywhere you have to light a fire under it .... and, of course, there's the hot air part.

SPONGES - female, because they are soft and squeezable and retain water.

SUBWAY - male, because it uses the same old lines to pick people up.

HOURGLASS - female, because over time, the weight shifts to the bottom.

HAMMER - male, because it hasn't evolved much over the last 5,000 years, but it's handy to have around.

REMOTE CONTROL - female! ... Ha! You thought I'd say male. But consider, it gives men pleasure, he'd be lost without it, and while he doesn't always know the right buttons to push, he keeps trying.


The Pearl (Top)

An elderly couple were on a cruise and it was really stormy. They were standing on the back of the boat watching the moon, when a wave came up and washed the old woman overboard. They searched for days and couldn't find her, so the captain sent the old man back to shore with the promise that he would notify him as soon as they found something.

Three weeks went by and finally the old man got a fax from the boat. It read: "Sir, sorry to inform you, we found your wife dead at the bottom of the ocean. We hauled her up to the deck and attached to her butt was an oyster and in it was a pearl worth $50,000 ...please advise"

The old man faxed back: "Send me the pearl and re-bait the trap"


Buzzard, Bat & the Bumblebee (Top)

If you put a buzzard in a pen that is 6 feet by 8 feet and is entirely open at the top, the bird, in spite of its ability to fly, will be an absolute prisoner. The reason is that a buzzard always begins a flight from the ground with a run of 10 to 12 feet. Without space to run, as is its habit, it will not even attempt to fly, but will remain a prisoner for life in a small jail with no top.

The ordinary bat that flies around at night, a remarkably nimble creature in the air, cannot take off from a level place. If it is placed on the floor or flat ground, all it can do is shuffle about helplessly and, no doubt, painfully, until it reaches some slight elevation from which it can throw itself into the air. Then, at once, it takes off like a flash.

A bumblebee, if dropped into an open tumbler, will be there until it dies, unless it is taken out. It never sees the means of escape at the top, but persists in trying to find some way out through the sides near the bottom. It will seek a way where none exists, until it completely destroys itself.

In many ways, there are lots of people like the buzzard, the bat, and the bumblebee. They are struggling about with all their problems and frustrations, not ever realizing that the answer is right there "Above" them.


Hanging on the Rope (Top)

There were 11 people hanging on to a single rope that suspended them from a helicopter trying to bring them to safety. Ten were men; one was a woman.

They all decided that one person would have to let go because if they didn't, the rope would break and all of them would die.

No one could decide who it should be. Finally the woman gave a really touching speech, saying how she would give up her life to save the others, because women were used to giving things up for their husbands and children and giving in to men.

All of the men started clapping.


The Prescription (Top)

A woman walks into a pharmacy and asks the pharmacist for some arsenic.

He asks, "What for?"

She says, "I want to kill my husband.

He says, "Sorry, I can't do that."

She then reaches into her handbag and pulls out a photo of her husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife and hands it to him.

He says, "You didn't tell me you had a prescription."


Logic Class (Top)

These two rednecks, Bubba and Cooter, decided they should go to college so they could get ahead.
Bubba went in first, and the professor advises him to take Math, History, and Logic.
"What's Logic?" Bubba asked.
"Well, let me give you an example," said the professor.
"Do you own a weed-eater?"
"Sure do," the redneck responded.
"Okay. Then I assume, using logic, that you have a yard," the professor went on.
"That's real good," said the redneck, in awe.
"Logic also tells me that since you have a yard, you also have a house. Is that right?"
"GAWL-LEE!" the redneck shouted.
"And since you own a house and a house is tough to take care of by yourself, logic dictates that you have a wife. Right?"
"Betty Mae! This is incredible!" Bubba is catching on now.
"Finally, since you have a wife, logically I can assume you are heterosexual rather than homosexual. Is that right?"
"You are absolutely right! Why that's the most fascinatin' thang I ever heerd of. I can't wait to take this here logic class!"
Bubba, proud of the new world opening up to him, walks back into the hallway where Cooter is still waiting.
"So what classes are ya takin"? Cooter asks.
"Math, History, and Logic," replied Bubba.
"What in tarnation is logic?" asks Cooter.
"Let me give you an example," Bubba says. "Do you own a weed-eater?"
"No." says Cooter.
"You're queer, aintcha?"


Whoops, Wrong Direction (Top)

A stingy old lawyer who had been diagnosed with a terminal illness was determined to prove wrong the saying, "You can't take it with you."

After much thought and consideration, the old ambulance chaser finally figured out how to take at least some of his money with him when he died. He instructed his wife to go to the bank and withdraw enough money to fill two pillowcases. He then directed her to take the bags of money to the attic and leave them directly above his bed. His plan: When he passed away, he would reach out and grab the bags on his way to Heaven.

Several weeks after the funeral, the deceased lawyer's wife, up in the attic cleaning came upon the two forgotten pillowcases stuffed with cash. "Oh, that old fool," she exclaimed. "I knew he should have had me put the money in the basement!"


TOP 10 WAYS THAT HANDGUNS ARE BETTER THAN WOMEN (Top)

#10 - YOU CAN TRADE AN OLD .44 FOR TWO NEW .22'S.

#9 - YOU CAN KEEP ONE HANDGUN AT HOME, AND HAVE ANOTHER FOR WHEN ON YOU'RE ON THE ROAD.

#8 - IF YOU ADMIRE A FRIEND'S HANDGUN, AND TELL HIM SO, HE WILL PROBABLY LET YOU TRY IT OUT A FEW TIMES.

#7 - YOUR PRIMARY HANDGUN DOESN'T MIND IF YOU KEEP ANOTHER HANDGUN FOR A BACK UP.

#6 - YOUR HANDGUN WILL STAY WITH YOU EVEN IF YOU RUN OUT OF AMMO.

#5 - A HANDGUN DOESN'T TAKE UP A LOT OF CLOSET SPACE.

#4 - HANDGUNS FUNCTION NORMALLY EVERY DAY OF THE MONTH.

#3 - A HANDGUN DOESN'T ASK, "DO THESE NEW GRIPS MAKE ME LOOK FAT?"

#2 - A HANDGUN DOESN'T MIND IF YOU GO TO SLEEP AFTER YOU USE IT.

and, the number one way a handgun is better than a woman...

#1 - YOU CAN BUY A SILENCER FOR A HANDGUN.


Why lots of guys have two dogs and not two wives (Top)

1. The later you are, the more excited they are to see you.
2. Dogs will forgive you for playing with other dogs.
3. If a dog is gorgeous, other dogs don't hate it.
4. Dogs don't notice if you call them by another dog's name.
5. A dog's disposition stays the same all month long.
6. Dogs like it if you leave a lot of things on the floor.
7. A dog's parents never visit.
8. Dogs do not hate their bodies.
9. Dogs agree that you have to raise your voice to get your point across.
10. Dogs like to do their snooping outside rather than in your wallet or desk.
11. Dogs seldom outlive you.
12. Dogs can't talk.
13. Dogs enjoy petting in public.
14. You never have to wait for a dog; they're ready to go 24-hours a day.
15. Dogs find you amusing when you're drunk.
16. Dogs like to go hunting.
17. Another man will seldom steal your dog.
18. If you bring another dog home, your dog will happily play with both of you.
19. A dog will not wake you up at night to ask, "If I died would you get another dog?"
20. If you pretend to be blind, your dog can stay in your hotel room for free.
21. If a dog has babies, you can put an ad in the paper and give them away.
22. A dog will let you put a studded collar on it without calling you a pervert.
23. A dog won't hold out on you to get a new car.
24. If a dog smells another dog on you, they don't get mad, they just think it's interesting.
25. On a car trip, your dog never insists on running the heater.
26. Dogs don't let magazine articles guide their lives.
27. When your dog gets old, you can have it put to sleep.
28. Dogs like to ride in the back of a pickup truck.
29. Dogs are not allowed in Bloomingdales or Neiman-Marcus.
30. If a dog leaves, it won't take half your stuff.


The Bacon Tree (Top)

Back in the cowboy days, a westbound wagon train was lost and low on food. No other humans had been seen for days... and then they saw an old Jewish Rabbi, sitting beneath a tree.

The leader rushed to him and said ,"We're lost and running out of food. Is there someplace ahead where we can get food?"

"Vell, I tink so," the old man said, "But I vouldn't go up dat hill, und down de udder side. Somevun tole me you'd run into a big bacon tree."

"A bacon tree?" asked the wagon train leader.

"Yah, ah bacon tree. Vould I lie? ... Trust me, I vouldn't go dere."

The leader goes back and tells his people what the Rabbi said.

"So why did he say not to go there?" some pioneers asked.

"Oh, you know those Jewish people--they don't eat bacon."

So the wagon train goes up the hill and down the other side. Suddenly, Indians are attacking from everywhere and they massacre all except the leader who manages to escape back to the old Jewish man.

The near-dead man starts shouting, "You fool! You sent us to our deaths! We followed your instructions, but there was no bacon tree. Just hundreds of Indians, who killed everyone but me."

The old Jewish man holds up his hand and says, "Oy.....vait a minute."

He then gets out an English-Yiddish dictionary, and begins thumbing through.

"Oy Gevalt, I made myself such ah big mishtake! It vuzn't a bacon tree. It vuz a ham bush."


Satan Stuff (Top)

Two boys were walking home from Sunday school after hearing a strong preaching on the devil.

One said to the other, "What do you think about all this Satan stuff?"

The other boy replied, "Well, you know how Santa Claus turned out. It's probably just your dad.


My Dad's the Greatest (Top)

Three boys are in the schoolyard bragging about their fathers.

The first boy says, "My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a poem, they give him $50."

The second boy says, "That's nothing. My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a song, they give him $100."

The third boy says, "I got you both beat. My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a sermon. And it takes eight people to collect all the money!"


From the Mouths of Babes (Top)

At Sunday School they were teaching how God created everything, including human beings. Little Johnny seemed especially intent when they told him how Eve was created out of one of Adam's ribs.

Later in the week his mother noticed him lying down as though he were ill, and said, "Johnny, what is the matter?"

Little Johnny responded, "I have pain in my side. I think I'm going to have a wife."


What would you do? (Top)

A police recruit was asked during the exam, "What would you do if you had to arrest your own mother?" He said, "Call for backup."


Seven Wonders (Top)

A group of students were asked to list what they thought were the present "Seven Wonders of the World."

Though there were some disagreements, the following received the most votes:

1. Egypt's Great Pyramids
2. Taj Mahal
3. Grand Canyon
4. Panama Canal
5. Empire State Building
6. St. Peter's Basilica
7. China's Great Wall

While gathering the votes, the teacher noticed that one quiet student hadn't turned in her paper yet. So she asked the girl if she was having trouble with her list.

The girl replied, "Yes, a little. I couldn't quite make up my mind because there are so many."

The teacher said, "Well, tell us what you have, and maybe we can help."

The girl hesitated, then read, "I think the Seven Wonders of the World are:

1. to see
2. to hear
3. to touch
4. to taste
5. to feel
6. to laugh
7. and to love."

The room was so quiet you could have heard a pin drop. The things we overlook as simple and ordinary and that we take for granted are truly wondrous.

A gentle reminder that the most precious things in life cannot be built by hand or bought by man.


The Height of Globalization (Top)

Question : What was the height of globalization?
Answer : Princess Diana's death

Question : How come?
Answer...

An English princess with an
Egyptian boyfriend crashes in a
French tunnel, driving a
German car with a
Dutch engine, driven by a
Belgian who was high on
Scottish whiskey, followed closely by
Italian Paparazzi, on
Japanese motorcycles, treated by an
American doctor, using
Brazilian medicines!

And this is sent to you by an
Australian, using an
American's technology, Bill Gates, which he got from the
Japanese.

And you are probably reading this on one of the IBM clones that use
Philippine-made chips, and
Korean made monitors, assembled by
Bangladeshi workers in a
Singapore plant, transported by lorries driven by
Indians, hijacked by
Indonesians and finally sold to you by a
Chinese!

That, my friend..... is globalization!!!!!


Barbecuing (Top)

Barbecueing is the only type of cooking a "real man" will do. When a man volunteers to do the 'BBQ' the following chain of events are put into motion:

1. The woman goes to the store.
2. The woman fixes the salad, vegetables, and dessert.
3. The woman prepares the meat for cooking, places it on a tray along with the necessary cooking utensils, and takes it to the man, who is lounging beside the grill, a cool drink in hand.
4. The man places the meat on the grill.
5. The woman goes inside to set the table and check the vegetables.
6. The woman comes out to tell the man that the meat is burning.
7. The man takes the meat off the grill and hands it to the woman.
8. The woman prepares the plates and brings them to the table.
9. After eating, the woman clears the table and does the dishes.
10. Everyone praises man and thanks him for his cooking efforts.
11. The man asks the woman how she enjoyed "her night off." And, upon seeing her annoyed reaction, concludes that there's just no pleasing some women.


Book Ahead (Top)

Sunday School teacher asked her class why Joseph and Mary took Jesus with them to Jerusalem. A small child replied: "They couldn't get a baby sitter."


About Siblings (Top)

A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five and six year olds. After explaining the commandment to "honor thy father and thy mother," she asked, "Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?"

Without missing a beat one little boy answered, "Thou shall not kill."


Installing telephones poles (Top)

There was a Kentucky phone company that was going to hire one team of telephone pole installers, and the boss had to choose between a team of two rednecks and a team of two northern guys. So the boss met with both teams and said: "Here's what we'll do. Each team will be installing poles out on the new road for a day. The team that installs the most phone poles gets the job."

Both teams headed right out. At end of the shift, Pat and Mike, the northern guys, came back and the boss asked them how many they had installed. They said that it was tough going, but they'd put in twelve.

Forty-five minutes later, Bubba and Darrel, the redneck guys came back and they were totally exhausted. The boss asked, "Well, how many poles did you guys install?"

Bubba, the team leader wiped his brow and sighed, "Darrel and me, we got three in."

The boss gasped, "Three? Those two northern guys put in twelve!"

"Yeah," said Bubba, "but you should see how much they left stickin' out of the ground!"


Grouchy (Top)

A 2nd grader asked her mother the age-old question,

"How did I get here?"

Her mother told her, "God sent you."

"Did God send you, too?" asked the child.

"Yes, Dear," the mother replied.

"What about Grandma and Grandpa?" the child persisted.

"He sent them also," the mother said.

"Did he send their parents, too?" asked the child.

"Yes, Dear, He did," said the mother patiently.

"So you're telling me that there has been no sex in this family for 200 years! No wonder everyone's so grouchy around here."


Blondes (Dont you just love'em) (Top)


4-H
(Top)

A wise old farmer went to town to buy a pickup truck that he saw advertised in the paper for a certain price. After telling the salesman which truck he wanted, they sat down to do the paperwork.

The salesman handed the farmer the bill, and the farmer declared, "This isn't the price I saw!"

The salesman went on to tell the wise old farmer how he was getting extras such as power brakes, power windows, special tires etc. and that was what took the price up.

The farmer needed the truck badly, paid the price and went home.

A few months later, the salesman called up the farmer and said, "My son is in 4-H and he needs a cow for a project. Do you have any cows for sale?"

The farmer said, "Yes, I have a few cows, and I would sell for $500.00 apiece. Come look at them and take your pick."

The salesman said he and his son would be right out.

After spending a few hours in the field checking out all the farmer's cows, the two decided on one and the salesman proceeded to write out a check for $500.00.

The farmer said-------- "Now, wait a minute, that's not the final price of the cow. You're getting extras with it and you have to pay for that too."

"What extras?" asked the salesman.

Below is the list the farmer gave the salesman for the final price of the cow . . .

BASIC COW....................$500.00
Two tone exterior.............$45.00
Extra stomach.................$75.00
Product storing equipment.....$60.00
Straw compartment............$120.00
4 Spigots @$10 ea.............$40.00
Leather upholstery...........$125.00
Dual horns....................$45.00
Automatic fly swatter.........$38.00
Fertilizer attachment........$185.00

GRAND TOTAL................$1,233.00


Try Harder (Top)

The following excerpts are actual answers given on history tests and in Sunday school quizzes by children between 5th and 6th grade ages. They were collected over a period of three years by two teachers. Read carefully for grammar and misplaced modifiers.

*****

Ancient Egypt was old. It was inhabited by gypsies and mummies who all wrote in hydraulics. They lived in the Sarah Desseret. The climate of the Sarah is such that all the inhabitants have to live elsewhere.

*****

Moses led the Hebrew slaves to the Red Sea where they made unleavened bread, which is bread made without any ingredients. Moses went up to Mount cyanide to get the ten commandos. He died before he ever reached Canada but the commandos made it.

*****

Solomon had three hundred wives and seven hundred porcupines. He was a actual hysterical figure as well as being in the bible. It sounds like he was sort of busy too.

*****

The Greeks were a highly sculptured people, and without them we wouldn't have history. The Greeks also had myths. A myth is a young female moth.

*****

Socrates was a famous old Greek teacher who went around giving people advice. They killed him. He later died from an overdose of wedlock which is apparently poisonous. After his death, his career suffered a dramatic decline.

*****

During the first Olympic games, Greeks ran races, jumped, hurled biscuits,and threw the java. The games were messier than they show on tv now.

*****

Julius Caesar extinguished himself on the battlefields of Gaul. The Ides of March murdered him because they thought he was going to be made king. Dying, he gasped: "Same to you, Brutus."

*****

Joan of Arc was burnt to a steak and was canonized by Bernard Shaw for reasons I don't really understand. The English and French still have problems.

*****

Queen Elizabeth was the "virgin queen," As a queen she was a success. When she exposed herself before her troops they all shouted "hurrah!" and that was the end of the fighting for a long while.

*****

It was an age of great inventions and discoveries. Gutenberg invented removable type and the Bible. Another important invention was the circulation of blood.

*****

Sir Walter Raleigh is a historical figure because he invented cigarettes and started smoking.

*****

Sir Francis Drake circumcised the world with a 100 foot clipper which was very dangerous to all his men.

*****

The greatest writer of the Renaissance was William Shakespeare. He was born in the year 1564, supposedly on his birthday. He never made much money and is famous only because of his plays. He wrote tragedies, comedies, and hysterectomies, all in Islamic pentameter.

*****

Romeo and Juliet are an example of a heroic couple. They lived in Italy. Romeo's last wish was to be laid by Juliet but her father was having none of that, that I'm sure. You know how Italian fathers are.

*****

Writing at the same time as Shakespeare was Miguel Cervantes, He wrote Donkey Hote. The next great author was John Milton. Milton wrote Paradise Lost. Since then no one ever found it.

*****

Delegates from the original 13 states formed the Contented Congress. Thomas Jefferson, a Virgin, and Benjamin Franklin were two singers of the Declaration of Independence. Franklin discovered electricity by rubbing two cats backward and also declared, "A horse divided against itself cannot stand." He was a naturalist for sure. Franklin died in 1790 and is still dead.

*****

Abraham Lincoln became America's greatest Precedent. Lincoln's mother died in infancy, and he was born in a log cabin which he built with his own hands. Abraham Lincoln freed the slaves by signing the Emasculation Proclamation. On the night of April 14, 1865, Lincoln went to the theater and got shot in his seat by one of the actors in a moving picture show. They believe the assassinator was John Wilkes Booth, a supposingly insane actor. This ruined Booth's career.

*****

Johann Bach wrote a great many musical compositions and had a large number of children. In between he practiced on the old spinster which he kept up in his attic. Bach died from 1750 to the present. Bach was the most famous composer in the world and so was Handel. Handel was half German, half Italian, and half English. He was very large.

*****

Bethoven wrote music even though he was deaf. He was so deaf that he wrote loud music and became the father of rock and roll. He took long walks in the forest even when everyone was calling for him. Beethoven expired in 1827 and later died for this.


Country Wisdom (Top)

They say "Jay, you can get to be 'CITY' in twenty minutes, but it takes a lifetime to be 'COUNTRY'. There's just too much you have to know". Here's some country wisdom you may enjoy.

Don't name a pig you plan to eat.

Country fences need to be horse high, pig tight, and bull strong.

Life is not about how fast you run, or how high you climb, but how well you bounce.

Keep skunks and bankers at a distance.

Life is simpler when you plow around the stumps.

A bumble bee is faster than a John Deere tractor.

Trouble with a milk cow is she won't stay milked.

Don't skinny dip with snapping turtles.

Words that soak into your ears are whispered, not yelled.

Meanness don't happen overnight.

To know how country folks are doing, look at their barns, not their houses.

Never lay an angry hand on a kid or an animal, it just ain't helpful.

Teachers, bankers, and hoot owls sleep with one eye open.

Forgive your enemies. It messes with their heads.

Don't sell your mule to buy a plow.

Two can live as cheap as one if one don't eat.

Don't corner something meaner than you.

You can catch more flies with honey than vinegar, assuming you want to catch flies.

Man is the only critter who feels the need to label things as flowers or weeds.

It don't take a very big person to carry a grudge.

Don't go huntin' with a fellow named Chug-A-Lug.

You can't unsay a cruel thing.

Every path has some puddles.

When you wallow with pigs, expect to get dirty.

The best sermons are lived, not preached.

Most of the stuff people worry about never happens.


THINGS TO PONDER (Top)

When I die, I want to go like my grandmother, who died peacefully in her sleep. Not screaming like all the passengers in her car.

A young man was sitting in class when the professor asked him if he knew what the Roe vs. Wade decision was. He sat quietly, pondering this profound question. Finally, after giving it a lot of thought, he sighed and said, "I think this was the decision George Washington made prior to crossing the Delaware."

A husband read an article to his wife about how many words women use a day..... 30,000 to a man's 15,000 words. The wife replied, "The reason has to be because a woman has to say everything twice." The husband then turned to his wife and asked, "What?"

A man said to his wife one day, "I don't know how you can be so stupid and so beautiful all at the same time." The wife responded, "Allow me to explain it to you. God made me beautiful so you would be attracted to me; God made me stupid so I would be attracted to you!"

Some Great Truths About Life:

1) Raising teenagers is like nailing Jell-O to a tree.
2) Wrinkles don't hurt.
3) Families are like fudge; mostly sweet, with a few nuts.
4) Today's mighty oak is just yesterday's nut that held its ground.
5) Laughing is good exercise. It's like jogging on the inside.
6) Middle age is when you choose your cereal for the fiber, not the taste.

THE FOUR STAGES OF LIFE:

1) You believe in Santa Claus.
2) You don't believe in Santa Claus.
3) You are Santa Claus.
4) You look like Santa Claus.

The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.

A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word. An earlier discussion had led to an argument and neither of them wanted to concede their position. As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats and pigs, the wife asked sarcastically, "Relatives of yours?"
"Yep," the husband replied, "in-laws."


About Others' Feelings (Top)

People will forget what you said...

People will forget what you did...

But people will never forget how you made them feel...


70's Humor (Top)

Those old enough to remember the old Hollywood Squares Game (before Whoopi) will appreciate these classic lines from the days when game show responses were spontaneous and unscripted. These are from the old Hollywood Squares show in the 70's.
____________________________

Q: If you're going to make a parachute jump, you should be at least how high?

A: Charley Weaver: Three days of steady drinking should do it.
____________________________

Q: True or false...a pea can last as long as 5,000 years.

A: George Gobel: Boy it sure seems that way sometimes...
_____________________________

Q: You've been having trouble going to sleep. Are you probably a man or a woman?

A: Don Knotts: That's what's been keeping me awake.
____________________________

Q: According to Cosmo, if you meet a stranger at a party and you think he's really attractive, is it okay to come out directly and ask him if he's married?

A: Rose Marie: No, wait until morning.
____________________________

Q: Which of your five senses tends to diminish as you get older?

A: Charley Weaver: My sense of decency.
__________________________

Q: In Hawaiian, does it take more than three words to say "I love you"?

A: Vincent Price: No, you can say it with a pineapple and a twenty.
____________________________

Q: As you grow older, do you tend to gesture more or less with your hands while you are talking?

A: Rose Marie: You ask me one more growing older question, Peter...and I'll give you a gesture you'll never forget!
___________________________

Q: Paul, why do Hell's Angels wear leather?

A: Paul Lynde: Because chiffon wrinkles too easily.
____________________________

Q: Charley, you've just decided to grow strawberries. Are you going to get any during your first year?

A: Charley Weaver: Of course not, Peter. I'm too busy growing strawberries!
____________________________

Q: In bowling, what's a perfect score?

A: Rose Marie: Ralph, the pin boy.
____________________________

Q: It is considered in bad taste to discuss two subjects at nudist camps. One is politics. What is the other?

A: Paul Lynde: Tape measures.
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Q: Can boys join the Camp Fire Girls?

A: Marty Allen: Only after lights out.
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Q: When you pat a dog on its head he will usually wag his tail. What will a goose do?

A: Paul Lynde: Make him bark.
____________________________

Q: If you were pregnant for two years, what would you give birth to?

A: Paul Lynde: Whatever it is, it would never be afraid of the dark.
____________________________

Q: According to Ann Landers, is their anything wrong with getting into the habit of kissing a lot of people?

A: Charley Weaver: It got me out of the army!
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Q: It is the most abused and neglected part of your body - what is it?

A: Paul Lynde: Mine may be abused but it certainly isn't neglected!
___________________________

Q: Charley, what do you call a pig that weighs more than 150 pounds?

A: Charley Weaver: A divorcee.
___________________________

Q: Back in the old days, when Great Grandpa put horseradish on his head, what was he trying to do?

A: George Gobel: Get it in his mouth.
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Q: Who stays pregnant for a longer period of time, your wife or your elephant?

A: Paul Lynde: Who told you about my elephant?
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Q: When a couple have a baby, who is responsible for it's sex?

A: Charley Weaver: I'll lend him the car. The rest is up to him.
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Q: Jackie Gleason recently revealed that he firmly believes in them and has actually seen them on at least two occasions. What are they?

A: Charley Weaver: His feet.
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Q: Do female frogs croak?

A: Paul Lynde: If you hold their little heads under water long enough.
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Q: Imagine you are a child in your mother's womb, can you detect light?

A: Paul Lynde: Only during ballet practice.


Thoughts for Today (Top)

Some people are kind, polite, and sweet-spirited until you try to sit in their pews.

Many folks want to serve God, but only as advisers.

It is easier to preach ten sermons than it is to live one.

The good Lord didn't create anything without a purpose, but mosquitoes come close.

When you get to your wit's end, you'll find God lives there.

People are funny, they want the front of the bus, the middle of the road, and the back of the church.

Opportunity may knock once, but temptation bangs on your front door forever.

Quit griping about your church; if it was perfect, you couldn't belong.

If the church wants a better preacher, it only needs to pray for the one it has.

God Himself does not propose to judge a man until he is dead. So why should you?

To make a long story short, don't tell it.

Peace starts with a smile.

I don't know why some people change churches; what difference does it make which one you stay home from?

A lot of church members who are singing "Standing >on the Promises" are just sitting on the premises.

We were called to be witnesses, not lawyers or judges.

Be ye fishers of men. You catch them - He'll clean them.

Coincidence is when God chooses to remain anonymous.

Don't put a question mark where God put a period.

Don't wait for 6 strong men to take you to church.

Forbidden fruits create many jams.

God doesn't call the qualified, He qualifies the called.

God grades on the cross, not the curve.

God loves everyone, but probably prefers "fruits of the spirit" over "religious nuts!"

God promises a safe landing, not a calm passage.

He who angers you, controls you!

If God is your Co-pilot - swap seats!

Prayer: Don't give God instructions - just report for duty!

The task ahead of us is never as great as the Power behind us.

The Will of God will never take you to where the Grace of God will not protect you.

We don't change the message, the message changes us.

The best mathematical equation I have ever seen: 1 cross + 3 nails = 4 given.


The Hat (Top)

Murphy showed up at Mass one Sunday and the priest almost fell down when he saw him. Murphy had never been seen in church in his life.

After Mass, the priest caught Murphy and said, "Murphy, I am so glad you decided to come to Mass, what made you come?"

Murphy said, "I got to be honest with you Father, a while back, I misplaced my hat and I really, really love that hat. I know that McGlynn had one just like mine and I knew that McGlynn came to church every Sunday. I also knew that McGlynn had to take off his hat during Mass and I figured he would leave it in the back of church. So, I was going to leave after Communion and steal McGlynn's hat."

The priest said, "Well, Murphy,! I notice that you didn't steal McGlynn's hat. What changed your mind?"

Murphy said, "Well, after I heard your sermon on the 10 commandments, I decided that I didn't need to steal McGlynn's hat."

The priest gave Murphy a big smile and said, "After I talked about Thou Shalt Not Steal' you decided you would rather do without your hat than burn in Hell, right?"

Murphy shook his head and said, "No, Father, after you talked about 'Thou Shalt Not Commit Adultery' I remembered where I left my hat."


FOURTEEN THINGS THAT IT TOOK ME OVER 50 YEARS TO LEARN (Top)

1. Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.

2. If you had to identify, in one word, the reason why the human race has not achieved, and never will achieve, its full potential, that word would be "meetings."

3. There is a very fine line between "hobby" and "mental illness."

4. People who want to share their religious views with you almost never want you to share yours with them.

5. You should not confuse your career with your life.

6. Nobody cares if you can't dance well. Just get up and dance.

7. Never lick a steak knife.

8. The most destructive force in the universe is gossip.

9. You will never find anybody who can give you a clear and compelling reason why we observe daylight savings time.

10. You should never say anything to a woman that even remotely suggests that you think she's pregnant unless you can see an actual baby emerging from her at that moment.

11. There comes a time when you should stop expecting other people to make a big deal about your birthday. That time is age eleven.

12. The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age, gender, religion, economic status or ethnic background, is that, deep down inside,we ALL believe that we are above average drivers.

13. A person, who is nice to you, but rude to the waiter, is not a nice person.

14. Your friends love you anyway.

FINAL Thought for the day: Never be afraid to try something new.Remember that a lone amateur built the Ark. A large group of professionals built the Titanic.


God's voice mail (Top)

Most of us have now learned to live with voice mail as a necessary part of our lives. Have you ever wondered what it would be like if God decided to install voice mail? Imagine praying and hearing the following:

Thank you for calling heaven.

For English press 1
For Spanish press 2
For all other languages, press 3

Please select one of the following options:

Press 1 for request
Press 2 for thanksgiving
Press 3 for complaints
Press 4 for all others

I am sorry, all our Angels and Saints are busy helping other sinners right now. However, your prayer is important to us and we will answer it in the order it was received. Please stay on the line.

If you would like to speak to:

God, press 1
Jesus, press 2
Holy Spirit, press 3

To find a loved one that has been assigned to heaven press 5, then enter his social security number followed by the dollar sign.

(If you receive a negative response, please hang up and dial area code 666)

For reservations to heaven, please enter JOHN followed by the numbers, 3 16.

For answers to nagging questions about dinosaurs, life and other planets, please wait until you arrive in heaven for the specifics.

Our computers show that you have already been prayed for today, please hang up and call again tomorrow.

The office is now closed for the weekend to observe a religious holiday.

If you are calling after hours and need emergency assistance, please contact your local pastor.

Thank you and have a heavenly day.


Clocks (Top)

Hillary Clinton died and went to heaven. As she stood in front of St. Peter at the Pearly Gates, she saw a huge wall of clocks behind him.

She asked, "What are all those clocks?"

St. Peter answered, "Those are Lie-Clocks. Everyone on Earth has a Lie-Clock. Every time you lie, the hands on your clock will move."

"Oh," said Hillary, "whose clock is that?"

"That's Mother Teresa's. The hands have never moved, indicating that she never told a lie."

"Incredible," said Hillary. "And whose clock is that one?"

St. Peter responded, "That's Abraham Lincoln's clock. The hands have moved twice, telling us that Abe told only two lies in his entire life."

"Where's Bill's clock?" asked Hillary.

"Bill's clock is in Jesus' office. He's using it as a ceiling fan."


Don't Step on the Ducks (Top)

Three women die together in an accident and go to heaven.

When they get there, St. Peter says, "We only have one rule here in heaven ..... don't step on the ducks!"

So they enter heaven, and sure enough, there are ducks all over the place. It is almost impossible not to step on a duck, and although they try their best to avoid them, the first woman accidentally steps on one.

Along comes St. Peter with the ugliest man she ever saw.

St. Peter chains them together and says "Your punishment for stepping on a duck is to spend eternity chained to this ugly man!"

The next day, the second woman steps accidentally on a duck and along comes St. Peter, who doesn't miss a thing. With him is another extremely ugly man. He chains them together with the same admonishment as for the first woman.

The third woman has observed all this and, not wanting to be chained for all eternity to an ugly man, is very, VERY careful where she steps.

She manages to go months without stepping on any ducks, but one day St. Peter comes up to her with the most handsome man she has ever laid eyes on ... very tall, long eyelashes, muscular, and thin.

St. Peter chains them together without saying a word. 'The woman remarks, "I wonder what I did to deserve being chained to you for all of eternity?"

The guy says, "I don't know about you, but I stepped on a duck.


A Redneck Church (Top)

You Might Be A Member Of A Redneck Church If...

The finance committee refuses to provide funds for the purchase of a chandelier because none of the members know how to play one.

People ask, when they learn that Jesus fed the 5,000, whether the two fish were bass or catfish, and what bait was used to catch 'em.

The pastor says, "I'd like to ask Bubba to help take up the offering", then five guys and two women stand up.

Opening day of deer season is recognized as an official church holiday.

A member of the church requests to be buried in his 4-wheel-drive truck because, "It ain't never been in a hole it couldn't get out of."

The choir is known as the "OK Chorale."

In a congregation of 500 members, there are only seven last names in the church directory.

Baptism is referred to as "branding."

There is a special fund raiser for a new church septic tank.

Finding and returning lost sheep isn't just a parable.

High notes on the organ set the dogs on the floor to howling.

People think "rapture" is what you get when you lift something too heavy.

The baptismal fount is a #2 galvanized washtub.

The choir robes were donated by (and embroidered with the logo from) "Billy Bob's Barbecue."

The collection plates are really hub caps from a '56 Chevy.

Amen


HOW BLONDE WAS SHE? (Top)

She Was Soooooooooooooo Blonde...
She thought a quarterback was a refund.
She thought General Motors was in the Army.
At the bottom of an application where it says "sign here," she wrote "Sagittarius."

She Was Soooooooooooooo Blonde...
She took a ruler to bed to see how long she slept.
She sent a fax with a stamp on it.
She thought Eartha Kitt was a set of garden tools.
Under "education" on her job application, she put "Hooked on Phonics".

She Was Soooooooooooooo Blonde...
She tripped over a cordless phone.
She spent 20 minutes looking at an orange juice can because it said "Concentrate."
She told someone to meet her at the corner of "WALK" and "DON'T WALK."
She asked for a price check at the Dollar Store.

She Was Soooooooooooooo Blonde...
She studied for a blood test.
She thought she needed a token to get on "Soul Train."
She sold the car for gas money.
When she missed the 44 bus, she took the 22 bus twice instead.
When she went to the airport and saw a sign that said, "Airport Left,"she turned around and went home.

She Was Soooooooooooooo Blonde...
If she spoke her mind, she'd be speechless.
When she heard that 90% of all accidents occur around the home, she moved.
She thought Taco Bell was Mexico's phone company.
She thought she could only use her AM radio in the morning.
She had a shirt that said "TGIF," which she thought stood for "This Goes In Front"


Baptizing a Drunk (Top)

A man is stumbling through the woods totally drunk when he comes upon a preacher baptizing people in the river. He proceeds to walk into the water and subsequently bumps into the preacher. The preacher turns around and is almost overcome by the smell of alcohol, whereupon he asks the drunk,

"Are you ready to find Jesus?"

The drunk answers, "Yes, I am."

So the preacher grabs him and dunks him in the water. He pulls him up and asks the drunk, "Brother, have you found Jesus?"

The drunk replies, "No, I haven't found Jesus."

The preacher shocked at the answer, dunks him into the water again for a little longer this time. He again pulls him out of the water and asks again, "Have you found Jesus, my brother?"

The drunk again answers, "No, I haven't found Jesus."

By this time the preacher is at his wits end and dunks the drunk in the water again--- but this time holds him down for about 30 seconds and when he begins kicking his arms and legs he pulls him up. The preacher again asks the drunk, "For the love of God, have you found Jesus?"

The drunk wipes his eyes and catches his breath and says to the preacher, "Are you sure this is where he fell in?"


A Dilemma (Top)

You have to pick one... But read until the end.........

You are driving along in your car on a wild, stormy night, when you pass by a bus stop, and you see three people waiting for the bus:

1. An old lady who looks as if she is about to die.
2. An old friend who once saved your life.
3. The perfect partner you have been dreaming about.

Which one would you choose to offer a ride to, knowing that there could only be one passenger in your car?

Think before you continue reading...

This is a moral/ethical dilemma that was once actually used as part of a job application. You could pick up the old lady, because she is going to die, and thus you should save her first; Or you could take the old friend because he once saved your life, and this would be the perfect chance to pay him back. However, you may never be able to find your perfect mate again.

The candidate who was hired (out of 200 applicants) had no trouble coming up with his answer. He simply answered: "I would give the car keys to my old friend and let him take the lady to the hospital. I would stay behind and wait for the bus with the partner of my dreams."

Sometimes, we gain more if we are able to give up our stubborn thought limitations. Never forget to "Think Outside of the Box."

However, the correct answer is to run the old lady over and put her out of her misery, have sex with the perfect partner against the bus stop, then drive off with the old friend for some beers.


Day in Court (Top)

Lawyers should never ask a witness a question if they aren't prepared for the answer. In a trial, a southern small town prosecuting attorney called his first witness to the stand -- a grandmotherly, elderly woman.

He approached her and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know me?"

She responded, "Why, yes I do know you, Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a young boy, and frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you never will amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you."

The lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know the defense attorney?"

She again replied, "Why yes, I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster, too. He's lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking problem. He can't build a normal relationship with anyone and his law practice is one of the worst in the entire state. Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three different women. Yes, I know him."

The defense attorney almost died! At this point, the judge brought the courtroom to silence, called both counselors to the bench, and in a very quiet voice, said, "If either of you so-and-so's asks her if she knows me, you'll be jailed for contempt."


The Soft-spoken Lady (Top)

A very attractive lady goes up to the bar. She gestures alluringly to the bartender who comes over immediately. When he arrives, she seductively signals that he should bring his face closer to hers. When he does, she begins to gently caress his full beard. "Are you the manager?" she asks, softly stroking his face with both hands.

"Actually, I'm not," says the man.

"Can you get him for me? I need to speak to him," she says, running her hands beyond his beard and into his hair.

"I'm afraid I can't," breathes the bartender. "Is there anything I can do?"

"Yes, there is. I need you to give him a message," she continues, running her forefinger across the bartender's lips and slyly popping a couple of her fingers into his mouth and allowing him to nip them gently.

"What should I tell him?" the bartender manages to say around her delicate fingers.

"Tell him," she whispers, "there is no toilet paper, hand soap or paper towels in the ladies room."


How Well Does Cold Water Clean? (Top)

A man went to visit his 90 year old grandfather in a very secluded, rural area of the state he lived in. After spending the night, his grandfather prepared breakfast for him consisting of eggs and bacon. He noticed a film-like substance on his plate and he questioned his grandfather.......

"Are these plates clean?"

His grandfather replied...."those plates are as clean as cold water can get them so go on and finish your meal."

That afternoon, while eating the hamburgers his grandfather made for lunch, he noticed tiny specks around the edge of his plate, and a substance that looked like dried egg yokes . . . so he asked again.... "Are you sure these plates are clean?"

Without looking up from his hamburger, the grandfather says......"I told you before, those dishes are as clean as cold water can get them, now don't ask me about it anymore!"

Later that afternoon, as he was on his way out to get the paper, the dog started to growl and would not let him pass.......

"Grandfather, your dog won't let me out."

Without diverting his attention from the football game his Grandfather was watching, He shouted......"Coldwater, move!"


Haiku Poetry & The Computer (Top)

These replacements are Haiku poetry for the impersonal and unhelpful Microsoft error messages. Haiku poetry has strict construction rules - each poem has three lines, 17 syllables in total, 5 syllables in the first, 7 in the second, 5 in the third. They are used to communicate a timeless message, often achieving a wistful, yearning and powerful insight through extreme brevity.
--------------------------------------------

The Web site you seek
Cannot be located, but
Countless more exist.
--------------------------------------------

Chaos reigns within.
Reflect, repent, and reboot.
Order shall return.
--------------------------------------------

Program aborting:
Close all that you have worked on.
You ask far too much.
--------------------------------------------

Windows NT crashed.
I am the Blue Screen of Death.
No one hears your screams.
--------------------------------------------

Yesterday it worked.
Today it is not working.
Windows is like that.
--------------------------------------------

Your file was so big.
It might be very useful.
But now it is gone.
--------------------------------------------

Stay the patient course.
Of little worth is your ire.
The network is down.
-------------------------------------------

A crash reduces
Your expensive computer
To a simple stone.
--------------------------------------------

Three things are certain:
Death, taxes and lost data.
Guess which has occurred.
--------------------------------------------

You step in the stream,
But the water has moved on.
This page is not here.
--------------------------------------------

Out of memory.
We wish to hold the whole sky,
But we never will.
--------------------------------------------

Having been erased,
The document you're seeking
Must now be retyped.
--------------------------------------------

Serious error.
All shortcuts have disappeared.
Screen. Mind. Both are blank.


Brain Cramps (Top)

Question: If you could live forever, would you and why?
Answer: "I would not live forever, because we should not live forever, because if we were supposed to live forever, then we would live forever, but we cannot live forever, which is why I would not live forever,"
-- Miss Alabama in the 1994 Miss USA contest.
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"Whenever I watch TV and see those poor starving kids all over the world, I can't help but cry. I mean I'd love to be skinny like that, but not with all those flies and death and stuff."
--Mariah Carey
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"Smoking kills. If you're killed, you've lost a very important part of your life,"
--Brooke Shields, during an interview to become Spokesperson for federal antismoking campaign.
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"I've never had major knee surgery on any other part of my body,"
-- Winston Bennett, University of Kentucky basketball forward.
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"Outside of the killings, Washington has one of the lowest crime rates in the country,"
-- Mayor Marion Barry, Washington, DC..
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"I'm not going to have some reporters pawing through our papers. We are the president."
-- Hillary Clinton commenting on the release of subpoenaed documents.
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"That lowdown scoundrel deserves to be kicked to death by a jackass, and I'm just the one to do it,"
-- A congressional candidate in Texas.
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"I don't feel we did wrong in taking this great country away from them There were great numbers of people who needed new land, and the Indians were selfishly trying to keep it for themselves."
-- John Wayne
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"Half this game is ninety percent mental."
-- Philadelphia Phillies manager, Danny Ozark
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"It isn't pollution that's harming the environment. It's the impurities in our air and water that are doing it."
-- Al Gore, Vice President
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"I love California. I practically grew up in Phoenix."
-- Dan Quayle
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"We've got to pause and ask ourselves: How much clean air do we need?"
-- Lee Iacocca
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"I was provided with additional input that was radically different from the truth. I assisted in furthering that version."
-- Colonel Oliver North, from his Iran-Contra testimony.
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"The word "genius" isn't applicable in football. A genius is a guy like Norman Einstein."
-- Joe Theisman, NFL football quarterback &sports analyst.
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"We don't necessarily discriminate. We simply exclude certain types of people."
--Colonel Gerald Wellman, ROTC Instructor.
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"If we don't succeed, we run the risk of failure."
-- Bill Clinton, President
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"We are ready for an unforeseen event that may or may not occur."
-- Al Gore, VP
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"Traditionally, most of Australia's imports come from overseas."
-- Keppel Enderbery
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"Your food stamps will be stopped effective March 1992 because we received notice that you passed away. May God bless you. You may reapply if there is a change in your circumstances."
-- Department of Social Services, Greenville, South Carolina
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"If somebody has a bad heart, they can plug this jack in at night as they go to bed and it will monitor their heart throughout the night. And the next morning, when they wake up dead, there'll be a record."
-- Mark S. Fowler, FCC Chairman
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God 1 - Man 0 (Top)

God is sitting in heaven when a scientist prays to Him. "God, we don't need you anymore. Science has finally figured out a way to create life out of nothing -- in other words, we can now do what you did in the beginning."

"Oh, is that so? Tell Me..." replies God. "Well," says the scientist, "we can take dirt and form it into the likeness of you and breathe life into it, thus creating man."

"How interesting...show Me."

So the scientist bends down to the earth and starts to mold the soil into the shape of a man. "No, no, no..." interrupts God, "Get your own dirt."


Feeling Good (Top)

1. Falling in love.

2. Laughing so hard your face hurts.

3. A hot shower.

4. No lines at the supermarket

5. A special glance.

6. Getting mail

7. Taking a drive on a pretty road.

8. Hearing your favorite song on the radio.

9. Lying in bed listening to the rain outside.

10. Hot towels fresh out of the dryer.

11. Finding the sweater you want is on sale for half price.

12. Chocolate milkshake. (or vanilla!) (or strawberry)

13. A long distance phone call.

14. A bubble bath.

15. Giggling.

16. A good conversation.

17 The beach

18. Finding a 20 note in your coat from last winter.

19. Laughing at yourself.

20. Midnight phone calls that last for hours.

21. Running through sprinklers.

22. Laughing for absolutely no reason at all.

23. Having someone tell you that you're beautiful.

24. Laughing at an inside joke.

25. Friends.

26. Accidentally overhearing someone say something nice about you.

27. Waking up and realizing you still have a few hours left to sleep.

28. Your first kiss (either the very first or with a new partner).

29. Making new friends or spending time with old ones.

30. Playing with a new puppy.

31. Having someone play with your hair.

32. Sweet dreams.

33. Hot chocolate.

34. Road trips with friends.

35. Swinging on swings.

36. Wrapping presents under the Christmas tree while eating cookies and drinking your favorite tipple.

37. Song lyrics printed inside your new CD so you can sing along without feeling stupid.

38. Going to a really good concert.

39. Making eye contact with a cute stranger

40... Winning a really competitive game.

41. Making chocolate chip cookies...

42. Having your friends send you homemade cookies.

43. Spending time with close friends.

44. Seeing smiles and hearing laughter from your friends.

45. Holding hands with someone you care about.

46. Running into an old friend and realizing that some things (good or bad) never change

47. Riding the best roller coasters over and over.

48. Watching the expression on someone's face as they open a much desired present from you.

49. Watching the sunrise.

50. Getting out of bed every morning and being grateful for another beautiful day.

Friends are quiet angels who lift us to our feet when our wings have trouble remembering how to fly.


The Ostrich (Top)

A man walks into a restaurant with a full-grown ostrich behind him, and as he sits, the waitress comes over and asks for their order. The man says, "I'll have a hamburger, fries and a coke," and turns to the ostrich.

"What's yours?" "I'll have the same," says the ostrich. A short time later the waitress returns with the order. "That will be $6.40 please," and the man reaches into his pocket and pulls out exact change for payment.

The next day, the man and the ostrich come again and the man says, "I'll have a hamburger, fries and a coke," and the ostrich says, "I'll have the same." Once again the man reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change.

This becomes a routine until late one evening, the two enter again. "The usual?" asks the waitress. "No, this is Friday night, so I will have a steak, baked potato and salad," says the man. "Same for me," says the ostrich.

A short time later the waitress comes with the order and says, "That will be $12.62." Once again the man pulls exact change out of his pocket and places it on the table.

The waitress can't hold back her curiosity any longer. "Excuse me, sir. How do you manage to always come up with the exact change out of your pocket every time?"

"Well," says the man, "several years ago I was cleaning the attic and I found an old lamp. When I rubbed it a Genie appeared and offered me two wishes. My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, just put my hand in my pocket, and the right amount of money would always be there."

"That's brilliant!" says the waitress. "Most people would wish for a million dollars or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want for as long as you live!"

"That's right! Whether it's a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there," says the man.

The waitress asks, "One other thing, sir, what's with the ostrich?"

The man sighs and answers, "My second wish was for a tall chick with long legs and who agrees with everything I say!"


A Blonde and a Redhead (Top)

A redhead walks into a sports bar around 9:58 PM. She sits down next to this blonde at the bar and stares up at the TV. The 10:00 news was on. The news crew was covering a story of a man on a ledge of a large building preparing to jump.

The redhead turns to the blonde and says, "You know, I bet he'll jump."

The blonde replied, "Well, I bet he won't."

The redhead placed $20 dollars on the bar and said, "You're on!"

Just as the blonde placed her money on the bar, the guy did a swan dive off of the building, falling to his death. The blonde was very upset and handed her $20 dollars to the redhead and said, "All is fair. Here is your money."

The redhead replies, "Honey, I can't take your money, I saw this earlier on the 5 o'clock news and knew he would jump."

The blonde replies, "I did too, but I didn't think he'd do it again"


The Atheist (Top)

An atheist was taking a walk through the woods, admiring all that the "accident of evolution" had created. "What majestic trees! What powerful rivers! What beautiful animals!" he said to himself. As he was walking alongside the river he heard a rustling in the bushes behind him. He turned to look. He saw a 7-foot grizzly charge towards him.

He ran as fast as he could up the path. He looked over his shoulder and saw that the bear was closing. He ran even faster, so scared that tears were coming to his eyes. He looked over his shoulder again, and the bear was even closer.

His heart was pumping frantically and he tried to run even faster. He tripped and fell to the ground. He rolled over to pick himself up but saw the bear, right on top of him; reaching for him with his left paw and raising his right paw to strike him.

At that instant the atheist cried out "Oh my God!...."

Time stopped. The bear froze. The forest was silent. Even the river stopped moving. As a bright light shone upon the man, a voice came out of the sky: "You deny my existence for all of these years; teach others I don't exist; and, even credit creation to a cosmic accident. Do you expect me to help you out of this predicament? Am I to count you as a believer?"

The atheist looked directly into the light: "It would be hypocritical of me to suddenly ask You to treat me as a Christian now, but perhaps could you make the bear a Christian?"

"Very well," the voice said. The light went out. The river ran again. And the sounds of the forest resumed. And then the bear dropped its right paw ........ brought both paws together, bowed its head and spoke:
"Lord, for this food which I am about to receive, I am truly thankful."


Discipline (Top)

A school teacher injured his back and had to wear a plaster cast around the upper part of his body. It fit under his shirt and was not noticeable at all. On the first day of the term, still with the cast under his shirt, he found himself assigned to the toughest students in school.

Walking confidently into the rowdy classroom, he opened the window as wide as possible and then busied himself with desk work. The classroom became a bit unruly and he admonished them. This happened several times.

When he could do work at his desk, the strong breeze from the window made his tie flap annoyingly. He kept rearranging and rearranging the tie as the class raised it's level of unruliness.

Finally, becoming disgusted with the wayward tie, he stood up and took a big stapler off his desk and stapled the tie to his chest in several places.

Discipline was not a problem from that day forth.


The Windy Pastor (Top)

A pastor, known for his lengthy sermons, noticed a man get up and leave during the middle of his message.

The man returned just before the conclusion of the service.

Afterward the pastor asked the man where he had gone.

"I went to get a haircut," was the reply.

"But," said the pastor, "why didn't you do that before the service?"

"Because," the gentleman said, "I didn't need one then!"


The Iowa Farmer (Top)

A farmer in Iowa got pulled over by a State Trooper for speeding. The trooper started to lecture the farmer about his speeding, and in general began to throw his weight around to try to make the farmer feel uncomfortable.

Finally, the trooper got around to writing out the ticket. As he was doing that, he kept swatting at some flies that were buzzing around his head.

The farmer said, "Having some problem with circle flies there, are ya?"

The trooper stopped writing the ticket and said, "Well yeah, if that's what they are. I never heard of circle flies."

So the farmer says, "Well, circle flies are common on farms. See, they're called circle flies because they're almost always found circling around the back end of a horse."

The trooper says, "Oh," and goes back to writing the ticket. Then after a minute, he stops and says, "Are! you trying to call me a horse's ass?"

The farmer says, "Oh no, officer. I have too much respect for law enforcement and police officers to even think about calling you a horse's ass."

The trooper says, "Well that's a good thing," and goes back to writing the ticket.

After a long pause, the farmer says, "Hard to fool them flies though."


FOR THE GARDEN OF YOUR DAILY LIVING (Top)

PLANT THREE ROWS OF PEAS:

1. Peace of mind
2. Peace of heart
3. Peace of soul

PLANT FOUR ROWS OF SQUASH:

1. Squash gossip
2. Squash indifference
3. Squash grumbling
4. Squash selfishness

PLANT FOUR ROWS OF LETTUCE:

1. Lettuce be faithful
2. Lettuce be kind
3. Lettuce be patient
4. Lettuce really love one another

NO GARDEN IS WITHOUT TURNIPS:

1. Turnip for meetings
2. Turnip for service
3. Turnip to help one another

TO CONCLUDE OUR GARDEN WE MUST HAVE THYME:

1. Thyme for each other
2. Thyme for family
3. Thyme for friends

WATER FREELY WITH PATIENCE AND CULTIVATE WITH LOVE. THERE IS MUCH FRUIT IN YOUR GARDEN BECAUSE YOU REAP WHAT YOU SOW.


Today (Top)

Today I will delete from my diary two days: yesterday and tomorrow. Yesterday was to learn and tomorrow will be the consequence of what I can do today.

Today I will face life with the conviction that this day will not ever return.

Today is the last opportunity I have to live intensely, as no one can assure me that I will see tomorrow's sunrise.

Today I will be brave enough not to let any opportunity pass me by, my only alternative is to succeed.

Today I will invest my most valuable resource, my time, in the most transcendental work, my life.

I will spend each minute passionately to make of today a different and unique day in my life.

Today I will defy every obstacle that appears on my way trusting I will succeed.

Today I will resist pessimism and will conquer the world with a smile, with the positive attitude of expecting always the best.

Today I will make of every ordinary task a sublime expression.

Today I will have my feet on the ground understanding reality and the stars' gaze to invent my future.

Today I will take the time to be happy and will leave my footprints and my presence in the hearts of others.

Today, I invite you to begin a new season where we can dream that everything we undertake is possible and we fulfill it, with joy and dignity.


Bill Boards (Top)

New billboards are getting attention in Florida. Some reported seeing one or two messages, but the newspaper listed all of them. Here's a list of all variations of the "God Speaks" billboards. The billboards are a simple black background with white text.

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Tell the kids I love them.
-God
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Let's meet at my house Sunday before the game.
-God
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C'mon over and bring the kids.
God
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What part of "Thou Shalt Not...." didn't you understand?
-God
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We need to talk.
-God
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Keep using my name in vain, I'll make rush hour longer.
-God
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Loved the wedding, invite me to the marriage.
-God
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That "Love Thy Neighbor" thing... I meant it.
-God
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I love you and you and you and you and...
-God
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Will the road you're on get you to my place?
-God
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Follow me.
-God
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Big bang theory, you've got to be kidding.
-God
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My way is the highway.
-God
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Need directions?
-God
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You think it's hot here? -God
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Have you read my #1 best seller? There will be a test.
-God
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Do you have any idea where you're going?
-God
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Don't make me come down there.
-God


A Philosophy (Top)

A philosophy professor stood before his class and had some items in front of him. When the class began, wordlessly he picked up a very large and empty mayonnaise jar and proceeded to fill it with rocks, rocks about 2" in diameter.

He then asked the students if the jar was full? They agreed that it was. So the professor then picked up a box of pebbles and poured them into the jar. He shook the jar lightly. The pebbles, of course, rolled into the open areas between the rocks.

He then asked the students again if the jar was full. They agreed it was.

The professor picked up a box of sand and poured it into the jar. Of course, the sand filled up everything else.

He then asked once more if the jar was full. The students responded with an unanimous -- yes.

The professor then produced two cans of beer from under the table and proceeded to pour their entire contents into the jar -- effectively filling the empty space between the sand.

The students laughed.

"Now," said the professor, as the laughter subsided, "I want you to recognize that this jar represents your life. The rocks are the important things - your family, your partner, your health, your children--things that if everything else was lost and only they remained, your life would still be full. The pebbles are the other things that matter like your job, your house, your car. The sand is everything else. The small stuff."

"If you put the sand into the jar first," he continued "there is no room for the pebbles or the rocks. The same goes for your life. If you spend all your time and energy on the small stuff, you will never have room for the things that are important to you. Pay attention to the things that are critical to your happiness. Play with your children. Take time to get medical checkups. Take your partner out dancing. There will always be time to go to work, clean the house, give a dinner party and fix the disposal. "Take care of the rocks first -- the things that really matter. Set your priorities. The rest is just sand."


The Time Bank (Top)

Imagine . . .

There is a bank that credits your account each morning with $86,400. It carries over no balance from day to day. Every evening deletes whatever part of the balance you failed to use during the day. What would you do? Draw out ALL OF IT, of course!!!!

Each of us has such a bank. Its name is TIME. Every morning, it credits you with 86,400 seconds. Every night it writes off, as lost, whatever of this you have failed to invest to good purpose. It carries over no balance. It allows no overdraft.

Each day it opens a new account for you. Each night it burns the remains of the day. If you fail to use the day's deposits, the loss is yours.

There is no going back. There is no drawing against the "tomorrow." You must live in the present on today's deposits. Invest it so as to get from it the utmost in health, happiness, and success! The clock is running. Make the most of today.

To realize the value of ONE YEAR, ask a student who failed a grade.

To realize the value of ONE MONTH, ask a mother who gave birth to a premature baby.

To realize the value of ONE WEEK, ask the editor of a weekly newspaper.

To realize the value of ONE HOUR, ask the lovers who are waiting to meet.

To realize the value of ONE MINUTE, ask a person who missed the train.

To realize the value of ONE-SECOND, ask a person who just avoided an accident.

To realize the value of ONE MILLISECOND, ask the person who won a silver medal in the Olympics.

Treasure every moment that you have! And treasure it more because you shared it with someone special, special enough to spend your time.

And remember that time waits for no one. Yesterday is history. Tomorrow is a mystery. Today is a gift. That's why it's called the present!!!

Friends are a very rare jewel, indeed. They make you smile and encourage you to succeed. They lend an ear, they share a word of praise, and they always want to open their heart to us.


160 YEAR OLD LAWYER (Top)

A lawyer dies in a car accident on his 40th birthday and finds himself at the Pearly Gates. A brass band is playing, the angels are singing a beautiful hymn, a huge crowd cheers and shouts his name, and absolutely everyone wants to shake his hand.

Just when he thinks things can't possibly get any better, Saint Peter himself runs over, apologizes for not greeting him personally at the Pearly Gates, shakes his hand and says, "Congratulations, son, we've been waiting a long time for you!"

Totally confused and a little embarrassed, the attorney sheepishly looks at Saint Peter and says, "Saint Peter, I tried to lead a God fearing life. I loved my family. I tried to obey the Ten Commandments, but congratulations for what? I honestly don't remember doing anything really special when I was alive."

"Congratulations for what?" says Saint Peter, totally amazed at the man's modesty. "We're celebrating the fact that you lived to be 160 years old! God himself wants to see you!"

The lawyer is stunned and can only look at Saint Peter with his mouth agape.

When he regains his power of speech, he looks up at Saint Peter and says, "Saint Peter, I lived my life in eternal hope that when I died I would be judged by God and be found to be worthy, but I only lived to be forty."

"That's simply impossible son," says Saint Peter. "We've added up your time sheets."


Actual School Absence Excuse Notes (Top)

These are excuse notes from parents (including original spelling) collected by schools from all over the country.

1. My son is under a doctor's care and should not take P.E. today. Please execute him.

2. Please excuse Lisa for being absent. She was sick and I had her shot.

3. Dear School: Please ekscuse John being absent on Jan. 28, 29, 30, 31, 32, and also 33.

4. Please excuse Gloria from Jim today. She is administrating.

5. Please excuse Roland from P.E. for a few days. Yesterday he fell out of a tree and misplaced his hip.

6. John has been absent because he had two teeth taken out of his face.

7. Carlos was absent yesterday because he was playing football. He was hurt in the growing part.

8. Megan could not come to school today because she has been bothered by very close veins.

9. Chris will not be in school! cus he has an acre in his side.

10. Please excuse Ray Friday from school. He has very loose vowels.

12. Please excuse Tommy for being absent yesterday. He had diarrhea and his boots leak.

13. Irving was absent yesterday because he missed his bust.

14. Please excuse Jimmy for being. It was his father's fault.

15. I kept Billie home because she had to go Christmas shopping because I don't know what size she wear.

16. Please excuse Jennifer for missing school yesterday. We forgot to get the Sunday paper off the porch, and when we found it Monday, we thought it was Sunday.

17. Sally won't be in school a week from Friday. We have to attend her funeral.

18. My daughter was absent yesterday because she was tired. She spent a weekend with the Marines.

19. Please excuse Jason for being absent yesterday. He had a cold and could not breed well.

20. Please excuse Mary for being absent yesterday. She was in bed with gramps.

21. Gloria was absent yesterday as she was having a gangover.

22. Please excuse Burma, she has been sick and under the doctor.

23. Maryann was absent December 11-16, because she had a fever, sore throat, headache and upset stomach. Her sister was also sick, fever and sore throat, her brother had a low grade fever and ached all over. I wasn't the best either, sore throat and fever. There must be something going around, her father even got hot last night.

24. Please excuse little Jimmy for not being in school yesterday. His father is gone and I could not get him ready because I was in bed with the doctor.


Pecans in the Cemetery (Top)

On the outskirts of a small town, there was a big, old pecan tree just inside the cemetery fence. One day, two boys filled up a bucketful of nuts and sat down by the tree, out of sight, and began dividing the nuts.

"One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me," said one boy. Several dropped and rolled down toward the fence.

Another boy came riding along the road on his bicycle. As he passed, he thought he heard voices from inside the cemetery. He slowed down to investigate. Sure enough, he heard, "One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me."

He just knew what it was. "Oh my", he shuddered, it's Satan and the Lord dividing the souls at the cemetery. He jumped back on his bike and rode off.

Just around the bend he met an old man with a cane, hobbling along. "Come here quick," said the boy, "you won't believe what I heard! Satan and the Lord are down at the cemetery dividing up the souls."

The man said, "Beat it kid, can't you see it's hard for me to walk." When the boy insisted though, the man hobbled to the cemetery. Standing by the fence they heard, "One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me..."

The old man whispered, "Boy, you've been telling the truth. Let's see if we can see the Lord himself." Shaking with fear, they peered through the fence, yet were still unable to see anything. The old man and the boy gripped the wrought iron bars of the fence tighter and tighter as they tried to get a glimpse of the Lord.

At last they heard, "One for you, one for me." And one last "One for you, one for me. That's all. Now let's go get those nuts by the fence, and we'll be done."

They say the old man made it back to town a full 5 minutes ahead of the boy on the bike.


The Reverend (Top)

Francis Norton woke up Sunday morning, realizing it was an exceptionally beautiful and sunny early spring day, decided he just had to play golf. So... he told the Associate Pastor that he was feeling sick and convinced him to say Mass for him that day. As soon as the Associate Pastor left the room, Father Norton headed out of town to a golf course about forty miles away. This way he knew he wouldn't accidentally meet anyone he knew from his parish. Setting up on the first tee, he was alone. After all, it was Sunday morning and everyone else was in church!

At about this time, Saint Peter leaned over to the Lord while looking down from the heavens and exclaimed, "You're not going to let him get away with this, are you?"

The Lord sighed, and said, "No, I guess not."

Just then Father Norton hit the ball and it shot straight towards the pin, dropping just short of it, rolled up and fell into the hole. It WAS A 420-YARD HOLE IN ONE! St. Peter was astonished. He looked at the Lord and asked, "Why did you let him do that?"

The Lord smiled and replied, "Who's he going to tell?"


Taunts (Top)

Taunts... "A graceful taunt is worth a thousand insults."
- Louis Nizer.

"He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire."
- Winston Churchill.

"A modest little person, with much to be modest about."
- Winston Churchill.

"I've just learned about his illness. Let's hope it's nothing trivial."
- Irvin S. Cobb.

"I have never killed a man, but I have read many obituaries with great pleasure."
- Clarence Darrow.

"He has never been known to use a word that might send a reader to the dictionary."
- William Faulkner (about Ernest Hemingway).

"Thank you for sending me a copy of your book; I'll waste no time reading it."
- Moses Hadas.

"Poor Faulkner. Does he really think big emotions come from big words?"
- Ernest Hemingway (about William Faulkner).

"He is not only dull himself, he is the cause of dullness in others."
- Samuel Johnson.

"He is simply a shiver looking for a spine to run up."
- Paul Keating.

"He had delusions of adequacy."
- Walter Kerr.

"There's nothing wrong with you that reincarnation won't cure."
- Jack E. Leonard.

"He can compress the most words into the smallest idea of any man I know."
- Abraham Lincoln.

"You've got the brain of a four-year-old boy, and I bet he was glad to get rid of it."
- Groucho Marx.

"I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn't it."
- Groucho Marx.

"He has the attention span of a lightning bolt."
- Robert Redford.

"They never open their mouths without subtracting from the sum of human knowledge."
- Thomas Brackett Reed.

"He inherited some good instincts from his Quaker forebears, but by diligent hard work, he overcame them."
- James Reston (about Richard Nixon).

"He loves nature in spite of what it did to him."
- Forrest Tucker.

"Why do you sit there looking like an envelope without any address on it?"
- Mark Twain.

"I didn't attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it."
- Mark Twain.

"She is a peacock in everything but beauty."
- Oscar Wilde.

"Some cause happiness wherever they go; others whenever they go."
-Oscar Wilde.

"He has no enemies, but is intensely disliked by his friends."
- Oscar Wilde.

"He has Van Gogh's ear for music."
- Billy Wilder.

"He uses statistics as a drunken man uses lamp-posts..."


Sharing (Top)

A little old couple walked slowly into McDonald's one cold winter evening. They looked out of place amid the young families and young couples eating there that night.

Some of the customers looked admiringly at them. You could tell what the admirers were thinking. "Look, there is a couple who has been through a lot together, probably for 60 years or more!"

The little old man walked right up to the cash register, placed his order with no hesitation and then paid for their meal. The couple took a table near the back wall and started taking food off of the tray. There was one hamburger, one order of French fries and one drink. The little old man unwrapped the plain hamburger and carefully cut it in half. He placed one half in front of his wife. Then he carefully counted out the French fries, divided them in two piles and neatly placed one pile in front of his wife.

He took a sip of the drink, his wife took a sip and then set the cup down between them.

As the man began to eat his few bites of hamburger the crowd began to get restless. Again you could tell what they were thinking. "That poor old couple. All they can afford is one meal for the two of them." As the man began to eat his French fries one young man stood and came over to the old couple's table. He politely offered to buy another meal for the old couple to eat. The old man replied that they were just fine. They were used to sharing everything. Then the crowd noticed that the little old lady hadn't eaten a bite. She just sat there watching her husband eat and occasionally taking turns sipping the drink. Again the young man came over and begged them to let him buy them something to eat. This time the lady explained that, no, they were used to sharing everything together.

As the little old man finished eating and was wiping his face neatly with a napkin the young man could stand it no longer. Again he came over to their table and offered to buy some food.

After being politely refused again, he finally asked a question of the little old lady. "Ma'am, why aren't you eating? You said that you share everything. What is it that you are waiting for?"

She answered, "the teeth."


The Marine (Top)

There was a Marine deployed to Afghanistan. While he was there he received a letter from his girlfriend. In the letter she explained that she had slept with two guys while he had been gone and she wanted to break up AND she wants pictures of herself back.

So the Marine does what any squared-away Marine would do. He went around to his buddies and collected all the unwanted photos of women he could find. He then mailed about 25 pictures to his girlfriend with the following note:
"I don't remember which one you are; please remove your picture and send back the rest."


How to Call the Police (Top)

George Phillips of Meridian Mississippi was going up to bed when his wife told him that he'd left the light on in the garden shed, which she could see from the bedroom window. George opened the back door to go turn off the light but saw that there were people in the shed stealing things.

He phoned the police, who asked "Is someone in your house?" and he said no. Then they said that all patrols were busy, and that he should simply lock his door and an officer would be along when available.

George said, "Okay," hung up, counted to 30, and phoned the police again. "Hello I just called you a few seconds ago because there were people in my shed. Well, you don't have to worry about them now cause I've just shot them all." Then he hung up.

Within five minutes three police cars, an Armed Response unit, and an ambulance showed up at the Phillips residence. Of course, the police caught the burglars red-handed.

One of the Policemen said to George: "I thought you said that you'd shot them!"

George said, "I thought you said there was nobody available!"


Stages of life (Top)


GREAT TRUTHS ABOUT LIFE, THAT LITTLE CHILDREN HAVE LEARNED:

1) No matter how hard you try, you can't baptize cats.

2) When your Mom is mad at your Dad, don't let her brush your hair.

3) If your sister hits you, don't hit her back. They always catch the second person.

4) Never ask your 3-year old brother to hold a tomato.

5) You can't trust dogs to watch your food.

6) Don't sneeze when someone is cutting your hair.

7) Never hold a Dust-Buster and a cat at the same time.

8) You can't hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk.

9) Don't wear polka-dot underwear under white shorts.

10) The best place to be when you're sad is Grandpa's lap.


GREAT TRUTHS ABOUT LIFE, THAT ADULTS HAVE LEARNED:

1) Raising teenagers is like nailing Jell-O to a tree.

2) Wrinkles don't hurt.

3) Families are like fudge . . .mostly sweet, with a few nuts.

4) Today's mighty oak is just yesterday's nut that held its ground.

5) Laughing is good exercise. It's like jogging on the inside.

6) Middle age is when you choose your cereal for the fiber, not the joy.


GREAT TRUTHS ABOUT GROWING OLD:

1) Growing old is mandatory; growing up is optional.

2) Forget the health food. I need all the preservatives I can get.

3) When you fall down, you wonder what else you can do while you're down there.

4) You're getting old when you get the same sensation from a rocking chair that you once got from a roller coaster.

5) It's frustrating when you know all the answers, but nobody bothers to ask you the questions.

6) Time may be a great healer, but it's a lousy beautician.

7) Wisdom comes with age, but sometimes age comes alone.


SUCCESS:

At age 4 success is . . . not peeing in your pants.

At age 12 success is .. . . having friends.

At age 16 success is . . . having a drivers license.

At age 20 success is . . . having sex.

At age 35 success is . . . having money.

At age 50 success is . . . having money.

At age 60 success is . . . having sex.

At age 70 success is . . . having a drivers license.

At age 75 success is . . . having friends.

At age 80 success is . . . not peeing in your pants.


Remember to forget the troubles that pass your way BUT never forget to remember the blessings that come each day.


Palm Sunday (Top)

It was Palm Sunday and, because of a sore throat, five-year-old Johnny stayed home from church with a sitter. When the family returned home, they were carrying several palm branches.

The boy asked what they were for. "People held them over Jesus' head as he walked by."

"Wouldn't you know it," the boy fumed, "the one Sunday I don't go, He shows up!"


Easter Egg (Top)

One Easter Sunday morning as the minister was preaching the children's sermon, he reached into his bag of props and pulled out an egg. He pointed at the egg and asked the children, "What's in here?"


"I know," a little boy exclaimed . . . . ."Pantyhose!"


Financial Support (Top)

The prospective father-in-law asked, "Young man, can you support a family?"

The surprised groom-to-be replied, "Well, no. I was just planning to support your daughter. The rest of you will have to fend for yourselves."


Senior's Math (Top)

Little Johnny asked his grandma how old she was. Grandma answered, "39 and holding."

Johnny thought for a moment, and then said, "And how old would you be if you let go?"


Under Age (Top)

A little boy in church for the first time watched as the ushers passed around the offering plates. When they came near his pew, the boy said loudly, "Don't pay for me Daddy. I'm under five."


Prayers? (Top)

The Sunday School teacher asked, "Now, Johnny, tell me, do you say prayers before eating?"

"No sir," he replied, "We don't have to. My Mom is a good cook!"


The Magic Trick (Top)

"Oh, I sure am happy to see you," the little boy said to his grandmother on his mother's side. "Now maybe Daddy will do the trick he has been promising us. "

The grandmother was curious. "What trick is that?" she asked.

"I heard him tell Mommy that he would climb the walls if you came to visit us again," the little boy answered.


The Water Pistol (Top)

When my three-year-old son opened the birthday gift from his grandmother, he discovered a water pistol. He squealed with delight and headed for the nearest sink. I was not so pleased.

I turned to Mom and said, "I'm surprised at you. Don't you remember how we used to drive you crazy with water guns?"

Mom smiled and then replied... "I remember."


Half Price (Top)

USAir recently introduced a special half fare for wives who accompanied their husbands on business trips. Expecting valuable testimonials, the PR department sent out letters to all the wives of businessmen who had used the special rates, asking how they enjoyed their trip.

Letters are still pouring in asking, "What trip?"


Life After Death (Top)

"Do you believe in life after death?" the boss asked one of his employees.

"Yes, Sir," the new employee replied.

"Well, then, that makes everything just fine," the boss went on. "After you left early yesterday to go to your grandmother's funeral, she stopped in to see you."


An Honest Job Application (Top)

This is an actual job application that a 17 year old boy submitted to McDonald's in Florida.

They hired him because he was so honest and funny!

NAME:
Greg Bulmash.

SEX:
Not yet. Still waiting for the right person.

DESIRED POSITION:
Company's President or Vice President. But seriously, whatever's available. If I was in a position to be picky, I wouldn't be applying here in the first place.

DESIRED SALARY:
$185,000 a year plus stock options and a Michael Ovitz style severance package. If that's not possible, make an offer and we can haggle.

EDUCATION:
Yes.

LAST POSITION HELD:
Target for middle management hostility.

SALARY:
Less than I'm worth.

MOST NOTABLE ACHIEVEMENT:
My incredible collection of stolen pens and post-it notes.

REASON FOR LEAVING:
It sucked.

HOURS AVAILABLE TO WORK:
Any.

PREFERRED HOURS:
1:30-3:30 p.m., Monday, Tuesday, and Thursday.

DO YOU HAVE ANY SPECIAL SKILLS?:
Yes, but they're better suited to a more intimate environment.

MAY WE CONTACT YOUR CURRENT EMPLOYER?:
If I had one, would I be here?

DO YOU HAVE ANY PHYSICAL CONDITIONS THAT WOULD PROHIBIT YOU FROM LIFTING UP TO 50 LBS?:
Of what?

DO YOU HAVE A CAR?:
I think the more appropriate question here would be, "Do you have a car that runs?"

HAVE YOU RECEIVED ANY SPECIAL AWARDS OR RECOGNITION?:
I may already be a winner of the Publishers Clearing House Sweepstakes.

DO YOU SMOKE?:
On the job no, on my breaks yes.

WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE DOING IN FIVE YEARS?:
Living in the Bahamas with a fabulously wealthy dumb sexy blonde super model who thinks I'm the greatest thing since sliced bread. Actually, I'd like to be doing that now.

DO YOU CERTIFY THAT THE ABOVE IS TRUE AND COMPLETE TO THE BEST OF YOUR KNOWLEDGE?:
Yes. Absolutely.

SIGN HERE:
Aries


Baptist Cowboy (Top)

A cowboy walks into a bar in Texas, orders three mugs of Bud and sits in the back room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn. When he finishes them, he comes back to the bar and orders three more.

The bartender approaches and tells the cowboy, "You know, a mug goes flat after I draw it, it would taste better if you bought one at a time."

The cowboy replies, "Well, you see, I have two brothers. One is in Australia, the other is in Dublin, and I'm in Texas. When we all left home, we promised that we'd drink this way to remember the days we drank together. So I drink one for each of my brothers and one for myself."

The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it there.

The cowboy becomes a regular in the bar, and always drinks the same way. He orders three mugs and drinks them in turn.

One day, he comes in and orders two mugs. All the regulars take notice and fall silent.

When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says, "I don't want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your loss."

The cowboy looks quite puzzled for a moment, then a light dawns and he laughs. "Oh, no, everybody's just fine," he explains, "It's just that my wife and I joined the Baptist Church in Sweetwater and I had to quit drinking.. . . . . . Hasn't affected my brothers though."


The Folded Flag (Top)

What each fold means when folding the U.S. Flag.

1- The first fold represents life.
2- The second is for eternal life.
3- The third fold honors and remembers departed veterans who gave a portion of their lives in defense of our country.
4- The fourth fold recognizes our weaker nature as defined by our desire to seek divine guidance in times of war and peace.
5- The fifth fold is in tribute to the country.
6- The sixth fold is for where our hearts lie.
7- The seventh fold is in tribute to our brothers and sisters in the Armed Forces, no matter where they are.
8- The eighth fold is in tribute to our mothers.
9- The ninth fold honors women, who through faith,love,loyalty,devotion and service have shaped the nation.
10- The tenth fold is a tribute to our fathers for giving their sons and daughters for the defense of our country.
11- The eleventh fold represents the lower portion of the seal of King David and King Solomon, and glorifies the God of Abraham, Isaac and Jacob.
12- The twelfth fold represents an emblem of eternity and glorifies God the Father, Son and Holy Ghost.

When the flag is completely folded, the stars are uppermost, signifying "In God Trust." The shape of the folded flag resembles a cocked hat and reminds us of the Revolutionary War patriots who started the whole thing.


Brain Cells (Top)

Once upon a time, there was a female brain cell which, by mistake, happened to end up in a man's head. She looked around nervously, but it was all empty and quiet.

"Hello?" she cried ... but no answer. "Is there anyone here?"

She cried a little louder, but still no answer....


Now the female brain cell started to feel alone and scared and yelled: "HELLO, IS THERE ANYONE HERE?"

Then she heard a voice from far, far away...

"Hello - we're all down here...."


Mothers (Top)

COLUMBUS' MOTHER:
"I don't care what you've discovered, you still could have written!"

MICHELANGELO'S MOTHER:
"Can't you paint on walls like other children? Do you have any idea how hard it is to get that stuff off the ceiling?"

NAPOLEON'S MOTHER:
"All right, if you aren't hiding your report card inside your jacket, take your hand out of there and show me."

ABRAHAM LINCOLN'S MOTHER:
"Again with the stovepipe hat? Can't you just wear a baseball cap like the other kids?"

MARY'S MOTHER:
"I'm not upset that your lamb followed you to school, but I would like to know how he got a better grade than you."

GEORGE WASHINGTON'S MOTHER:
"The next time I catch you throwing money across the Potomac, you can kiss your allowance good-bye!"

THOMAS EDISON'S MOTHER:
"Of course I'm proud that you invented the electric light bulb. Now turn it off and get to bed!"

PAUL REVERE'S MOTHER:
"I don't care where you think you have to go, young man, midnight is past your curfew."

ALBERT EINSTEIN'S MOTHER:
"But it's your senior picture. Can't you do something about your hair? OY! Styling gel, mousse, something...?"


Engineer/Management (Top)

A man in a hot air balloon realized he was lost. He reduced altitude and spotted a woman below. He descended a bit more and shouted.... "Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend that I would meet him an hour ago, but I don't know where I am."

The woman below replied, "You're in a hot air balloon hovering approx. thirty feet above the ground. You're between 40 and 41 degrees north latitude and between 59 and 60 degrees west longitude."

"You must be an Engineer," said the balloonist.

"I am" replied the woman "how did you know?"

"Well," answered the balloonist, "everything you have told me is technically correct, but I have no idea what to make of your information, and the fact is I'm still lost. Frankly, you've not been much help at all. If anything you have delayed my trip!"

The woman responded..."You must be in management."

"I am," replied the balloonist, "but how did you know?"

"Well" said the woman, "you don't know where you are or where you are going. You have risen to where you are due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise, which you've no idea how to keep, and you expect people beneath you to solve your problems. The fact is you are in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but now, somehow, it's my fault!"


The Rules ... by men (Top)

We always hear "the rules" from the female side. Now here are the rules from the male side. These are our rules! Please note . . .

           . . . They are all numbered "1" ON PURPOSE!

1. Learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down. We need it up, you need it down. You don't hear us bitching about you leaving it down.

1. Sometimes we are not thinking about you. Live with it.

1. Sunday = sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be.

1. Shopping is NOT a sport. And no, we are never going to think of it that way.

1. Crying is blackmail.

1. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one: Subtle hints do not work! Strong hints do not work! Obvious hints do not work! Just say it!

1. We don't remember dates. Mark birthdays and anniversaries on a calendar. Remind us frequently beforehand.

1. Most guys own three pairs of shoes -- tops. What makes you think we'd be any good at choosing which pair, out of thirty, would look good with your dress?

1. "Yes" and "No" are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.

1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.

1. A headache that last for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.

1. Check your oil! Please.

1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 days.

1. If you won't dress like the Victoria's Secret girls, don't expect us to act like soap opera guys.

1. If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us. We refuse to answer.

1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways, and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.

1. You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it done. Not both. If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.

1. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials.

1. Christopher Columbus did not need directions, and neither do we.

1. The relationship is never going to be like it was the first two months we were going out. Get over it. And quit whining to your girlfriends.

1. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings. Peach, for example, is a fruit, not a color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is.

1. If it itches, it will be scratched. We do that.

1. We are not mind readers and we never will be. Our lack of mind-reading ability is not proof of how little we care about you.

1.If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," we will act like nothing's wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.

1. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer you don't want to hear.

1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine. Really.

1. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as navel lint, the shotgun formation, or monster trucks.

1. You have enough clothes.

1. You have too many shoes.

1. Peanuts are as exciting for us as handbags are for you.

1. I'm in shape. ROUND is a shape.

1.Thank you for reading this; Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight, but did you know we really don't mind that, it's like camping.


The Devil's Beatitudes (Top)

If the devil were to write his beatitudes, they would probably go something like this:

1. Blessed are those who are too tired, too busy, and too distracted to spend an hour once a week with their fellow Christians-they are my best workers.

2. Blessed are those Christians who wait to be asked and expect to be thanked-I can use them.

3. Blessed are the touchy who stop going to church-they are my missionaries.

4. Blessed are the trouble makers-they shall be called my children.

5. Blessed are the complainers-I'm all ears to them.

6. Blessed are those who are bored with the minister's mannerisms and mistakes-for they get nothing out of his sermons.

7. Blessed is the church member who expects to be invited to his own church-for he is a part of the problem instead of the solution.

8. Blessed are those who gossip-for they shall cause strife and divisions that please me.

9. Blessed are those who are easily offended-for they will soon get angry and quit.

10. Blessed are those who do not give their offering to carry on God's work-for they are my helpers.

11. Blessed is he who professes to love God but hates his brother and sister - for he shall be with me forever.

12. Blessed are you who, when you read this think it is about other people and not yourself -I've got you too!


Alligator Shoes (Top)

A Young Blonde, on vacation in Louisiana, wanted a pair of alligator shoes, but was reluctant to pay high New Orleans prices. "I'll just catch my own alligator," she told one shopkeeper," so I can get a pair of shoes for free." She stomped out of the store and headed for the swamp.

Later, as the shopkeeper drove home, he spotted the blonde standing waist deep in a bayou, shotgun in hand, with a huge alligator closing in. She took aim and shot the creature between the eyes.

The shopkeeper watched in amazement as she struggled to haul the carcass onto an embankment where several other dead alligators were lined up. "Oh, no!" the blonde shouted in dismay. "This one isn't wearing any shoes either!"


The Cafeteria (Top)

In the cafeteria of a Catholic school, the children were lined up for lunch. At the head of the line was a large pile of apples. The nun made a note and she had placed it in front of the apples. The note read: "Take only one, God is watching."

Further down the cafeteria line was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies... One of the boys had written a note of his own. The note he placed in front of the cookies read: "Take all you want, God is watching the apples."


The Wrinkled Nightgown (Top)

A man and wife were celebrating their 50-year anniversary, so the man bought his wife a $250 see-through nightgown.

Later that night she was getting ready for bed and realized the nightgown was still in the box downstairs. Walking naked through the house, she passed her husband who said, "My word, for $250 they could've at least ironed it!"


Titanic Story (Top)

Many stories have come to us from the tragic sinking of the great ship The Titanic ... some are not as well known as others. Most people don't know that back in 1912, Hellmann's mayonnaise was manufactured in England. In fact, the "Titanic" was carrying 12,000 jars of the condiment scheduled for delivery in Vera Cruz, Mexico which was to be the next port of call for the great ship after New York, to date the largest shipment ever exported to Mexico.

The people of Mexico, who were crazy about the stuff, were eagerly awaiting delivery and were disconsolate at the loss. So much so that they declared a National Day of mourning which they still observe today. It is known, of course, as Sinko de Mayo.


Quotes (Top)

1. If you're too open-minded, your brains will fall out.

2. Don't worry about what people think, they don't do it very often.

3. Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.

4. Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.

5. If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you've never tried before.

6. My idea of housework is to sweep the room with a glance.

7. Not one shred of evidence supports the notion that life is serious.

8. It is easier to get forgiveness than permission.

9. For every action, there is an equal and opposite government program.

10. If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.

11. Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.

12. A conscience is what hurts when all of your other parts feel so good.

13. Eat well, stay fit, die anyway.

14. Men are from earth. Women are from earth. Deal with it.

15. No man has ever been shot while doing the dishes.

16. A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand.

17. Middle age is when broadness of the mind and narrowness of the waist change places.

18. Opportunities always look bigger going than coming.

19. Junk is something you've kept for years and throw away three weeks before you need it.

20. There is always one more imbecile than you counted on.

21. Experience is a wonderful thing. It enables you to recognize a mistake when you make it again.

22. By the time you can make ends meet, they move the ends.

23. Thou shalt not weigh more than thy refrigerator.

24. Someone who thinks logically provides a nice contrast to the real world.

25. It ain't the jeans that make your butt look fat.


Beautiful One-liners about God(Top)

1. Give God what's right -- not what's left.

2. Man's way leads to a hopeless end -- God's way leads to an endless hope.

3. A lot of kneeling will keep you in good standing.

4. He who kneels before God can stand before anyone.

5. In the sentence of life, the devil may be a comma--but never let him be the period.

6. Don't put a question mark where God puts a period.

7. Are you wrinkled with burden? Come to the church for a face-lift.

8. When praying, don't give God instructions - just report for duty.

9. Don't wait for six strong men to take you to church.

10. We don't change God's message -- His message changes us.

11. The church is prayer-conditioned.

12. When God ordains, He sustains.

13. WARNING: Exposure to the Son may prevent burning.

14. Plan ahead -- It wasn't raining when Noah built the ark.

15. Most people want to serve God, but only in an advisory position.

16. Suffering from truth decay? Brush up on your Bible.

17. Exercise daily -- walk with the Lord.

18. Never give the devil a ride -- he will always want to drive.

19. Nothing else ruins the truth like stretching it.

20. Compassion is difficult to give away because it keeps coming back.

21. He who angers you controls you.

22. Worry is the darkroom in which negatives can develop.

23. Give Satan an inch & he'll be a ruler.

24. Be ye fishers of men -- you catch them & He'll clean them.

25. God doesn't call the qualified, He qualifies the called.

26. Read the Bible -- It will scare the hell out of you.

          .... What we do in life echoes in eternity....


Mideast Mystery??? (Top)

Why Muslims Become Suicide (Homicide) Bombers

Everyone seems to be wondering why Muslim terrorists are so quick to commit suicide.

Let's see now . . . No beer, No booze, No bars, No television, No cheerleaders, No baseball, No football, No basketball, No hockey, No golf, No tailgate parties, No hooters, No pork BBQ, No hotdogs, No burgers, No lobster, No shellfish, or even frozen fish sticks.

Rags for clothes and towels for hats.

Constant wailing from the guy next door because he's sick and there are no doctors.

Constant wailing from the guy in the tower.

No chocolate chip cookies.

No Christmas.

You can't shave, Your wife can't shave. You can't shower to wash off the smell of donkey cooked over burning camel dung.

The women have to wear baggy dresses and veils at all times. Your bride is picked by someone else. She smells just like your donkey. But your donkey has a better disposition.

Then they tell you that when you die it all gets better!

Is there a mystery here?


Why It's Great to be a Man (Top)

Your last name stays put.

The garage is all yours.

Wedding plans take care of themselves.

Chocolate is just another snack.

You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park.

Car mechanics tell you the truth.

You don't give a rat's patootie if someone notices your new haircut.

The world is your urinal.

You never have to drive to another gas station because this one's just too icky.

Same work... more pay.

Wrinkles add character.

Wedding Dress $5000; Tux rental $100.

People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them.

The occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected.

Your pals can be trusted never to trap you with: "So, notice anything different?"

One mood, ALL the dang time.

Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.

A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase.

You can open all your own jars.

Dry cleaners and hair stylists don't rob you blind.

You can leave the motel bed unmade.

You can kill your own food.

You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.

If someone forgets to invite you to something, he or she can still be your friend.

Your underwear is $8.95 for a three-pack.

Everything on your face stays its original color.

You can quietly enjoy a car ride from the passenger's seat.

Three pairs of shoes are more than enough.

You don't have to clean your apartment if the maid is coming.

You can quietly watch a game with a buddy for hours without thinking:
          "He must be mad at me."

You don't mooch off other's desserts.

You can drop by to see a friend without having to bring a little gift.

You are not expected to know the names of more than five colors.

You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt.

You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes.

The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades.

You don't have to shave below your neck.

Your belly usually hides your big hips.

One wallet and one pair of shoes, one color, all seasons.

You can "do" your nails with a pocketknife.

You have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache.

You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives, on December 24th, in 45 minutes.

You can send this email to anyone and not ever worry if it may offend somebody.


Tipping (Top)

An old man stops by a cafe for breakfast. After paying the tab, he checks his pockets and leaves three pennies for a tip. As he strides toward the door, his waitress muses, only half to herself, "You know, you can tell a lot about a man by the tip he leaves."

The man turns around, curiosity getting the better of him. "Oh, really? Tell me, what does my tip say?"

"Well, this penny tells me you're a thrifty man."

Barely able to conceal his pride, the man utters, "Hmm, true enough."

"And this penny, it tells me you're a bachelor."

Surprised at her perception, he says, "That's true, too."

"And the third penny tells me that your father was also a bachelor."


The Way We Treat People (Top)

Five lessons about the way we treat people.

1 - First Important Lesson - Cleaning Lady

During my second month of college, our professor gave us a pop quiz. I was a conscientious student and had breezed through the questions, until I read the last one: "What is the first name of the woman who cleans the school?" Surely this was some kind of joke. I had seen the cleaning woman several times. She was tall, dark-haired and in her 50s, but how would I know her name? I handed in my paper, leaving the last question blank. Just before class ended, one student asked if the last question would count toward our quiz grade.

"Absolutely," said the professor. "In your careers, you will meet many people. All are significant. They deserve your attention and care, even if all you do is smile and say "hello".

I've never forgotten that lesson. I also learned her name was Dorothy.


2. - Second Important Lesson - Pickup in the Rain

One night, at 11.30 p.m., an older African American woman was standing on the side of an Alabama highway trying to endure a lashing rainstorm. Her car had broken down and she desperately needed a ride. Soaking wet, she decided to flag down the next car. A young white man stopped to help her, generally unheard of in those conflict-filled 1960s. The man took her to safety, helped her get assistance and put her into a taxicab. She seemed to be in a big hurry, but wrote down his address and thanked him.

Seven days went by and a knock came on the man's door. To his surprise, a giant console color TV was delivered to his home. A special note was attached. It read: "Thank you so much for assisting me on the highway the other night. The rain drenched not only my clothes, but also my spirits. Then you came along. Because of you, I was able to make it to my dying husband's bedside just before he passed away. God bless you for helping me and unselfishly serving others."

Sincerely, Mrs. Nat King Cole.


3 - Third Important Lesson - Always remember those who serve

In the days when an ice cream sundae cost much less, a 10 -year-old boy entered a hotel coffee shop and sat at a table. A waitress put a glass of water in front of him.

"How much is an ice cream sundae?" he asked.

"Fifty cents," replied the waitress.

The little boy pulled is hand out of his pocket and studied the coins in it. "Well, how much is a plain dish of ice cream?" he inquired. By now more people were waiting for a table and the waitress was growing impatient.

"Thirty-five cents," she brusquely replied.

The little boy again counted his coins. "I'll have the plain ice cream," he said.

The waitress brought the ice cream, put the bill on the table and walked away. The boy finished the ice cream, paid the cashier and left. When the waitress came back, she began to cry as she wiped down the table, there, placed neatly beside the empty dish, were two nickels and five pennies. You see, he couldn't have the sundae, because he had to have enough left to leave her a tip.


4 - Fourth Important Lesson. - The obstacle in Our Path

In ancient times, a King had a boulder placed on a roadway. Then he hid himself and watched to see if anyone would remove the huge rock. Some of the king's wealthiest merchants and courtiers came by and simply walked around it. Many loudly blamed the King for not keeping the roads clear, but none did anything about getting the stone out of the way.

Then a peasant came along carrying a load of vegetables. Upon approaching the boulder, the peasant laid down his burden and tried to move the stone to the side of the road. After much pushing and straining, he finally succeeded. After the peasant picked up his load of vegetables, he noticed a purse lying in the road where the boulder had been. The purse contained many gold coins and a note from the King indicating that the gold was for the person who removed the boulder from the roadway. The peasant learned what many of us never understand! Every obstacle presents an opportunity to improve our condition.


5 - Fifth Important Lesson - Giving When it Counts

Many years ago, when I worked as a volunteer at a hospital, I got to know a little girl named Liz who was suffering from a rare and serious disease. Her only chance of recovery appeared to be a blood transfusion from her five-year old brother, who had miraculously survived the same disease and had developed the antibodies needed to combat the illness.

The doctor explained the situation to her little brother, and asked the little boy if he would be willing to give his blood to his sister. I saw him hesitate for only a moment before taking a deep breath and saying, "Yes I'll do it if it will save her."

As the transfusion progressed, he lay in bed next to his sister and smiled, as we all did, seeing the color returning to her cheek. Then his face grew pale and his smile faded. He looked up at the doctor and asked with a trembling voice, "Will I start to die right away".

Being young, the little boy had misunderstood the doctor; he thought he was going to have to give his sister all of his blood in order to save her.


Work like you don't need the money, love like you've never been hurt, and dance like you do when nobody's watching. Now more than ever - Peace ... May God bless you.


Toward a Perfect Day (Top)

1. If you love something, set it free. If it comes back, it will always be yours. If it doesn't come back, it was never yours to begin with. But, if it just sits in your living room, messes up your stuff, eats your food, uses your telephone, takes your money, and doesn't appear to realize that you had set it free....... You either married it or gave birth to it.

2. Reason to smile: Every 7 minutes of every day, someone in an aerobics class pulls a hamstring.

3. They keep telling us to get in touch with our bodies. Mine isn't all that communicative but I heard from it the other day after I said, "Body, how'd you like to go to the six o'clock class in vigorous toning?" Clear as a bell my body said, "Listen fatty....do it and die."

4. My mind not only wanders, it sometimes leaves completely.

5. The best way to forget all your troubles is to wear tight shoes.

6. The nice part about living in a small town: When you don't know what you're doing, someone else always does.

7. Just when I was getting used to yesterday, along came today.

8. Amazing! ! You hang something in your closet for a while and it shrinks two sizes!

9. Sometimes I think I understand everything, then I regain consciousness.

10. I read this article that said the typical symptoms of stress are eating too much, impulse buying, and driving too fast. Are they kidding? That's my idea of a perfect day.


Hymns for All Things (Top)

The Dentist's Hymn:     Crown Him with Many Crowns

Weatherman's Hymn:      There Shall Be Showers of Blessings

Contractor's Hymn:      The Church's One Foundation

The Tailor's Hymn:      Holy, Holy, Holy

The Golfer's Hymn:      There's a Green Hill Far Away

The Politician's Hymn:  Standing on the Promises

Optometrist's Hymn:     Open My Eyes That I Might See The Light

IRS Agent's Hymn:       I Surrender All

The Gossip's Hymn:      Pass It On

The Electrician's Hymn: Send The Light

The Shopper's Hymn:     Sweet Bye and Bye

The Realtor's Hymn:     I've Got a Mansion, Just Over the Hilltop

Massage Therapists Hymn:He Touched Me

The Doctor's Hymn:      The Great Physician


AND for those who speed on the highway - a few hymns:

-----45mph....................God Will Take Care of You

-----55mph....................Guide Me, O Thou Great Jehovah

-----65mph....................Nearer My God To Thee

-----75mph....................Nearer Still Nearer

-----85mph....................This World Is Not My Home

-----95mph....................Lord, I'm Coming Home

-----Over 100mph..............Precious Memories


The Organist (Top)

The minister was preoccupied with thoughts of how he was going to, after the worship service, ask the congregation to come up with more money than they were expecting for repairs to the church building. Therefore, he was annoyed to find that the regular organist was sick and a substitute had been brought in at the last minute.

The substitute wanted to know what to play. "Here's a copy of the service," he said impatiently. "But you'll have to think of something to play after I make the announcement about the finances."

During the service, the minister paused and said, "Brothers and Sisters, we are in great difficulty; the roof repairs cost twice as much as we expected, and we need $4,000 more. Any of you who can pledge $100 or more, please stand up."

At that moment, the substitute organist played "The Star-Spangled Banner." And that is how the substitute became the regular organist!


The Ten Commandments ~ Texas Style (Top)

The classic Ten Commandments are posted in a little sign on the wall at Cross Trails Church in Fairlie, Texas...but all the "shalt" and "shalt not" biblical dictates are delivered with a cowboy twang:

1. Just one God.
2. Honor yer Ma & Pa.
3. No telling tales or gossipin'.
4. Git yourself to Sunday meetin'.
5. Put nothin' before God.
6. No foolin' around with another fellow's gal.
7. No killin'.
8. Watch yer mouth.
9. Don't take what ain't yers.
10. Don't be hankerin' for yer buddy's stuff.

The Ten Commandments ~ Cajun Style
(Keeps it REAL Simple!)

1. God is number one... and das' All.
2. Don't pray to nuthin' or nobody... jus' God.
3. Don't cuss nobody... 'specially da Good Lord.
4. When it be Sunday... pass yo'self by God's House.
5. Yo mama an' yo daddy dun did it all... lissen to dem.
6. Killin' duck an' fish, das' OK... people - No!
7. God done give you a wife... sleep wit' jus' her.
8. Don't take nobody's boat... or nuttin' else.
9. Don't go wantin' somebody's stuff.
10. Stop lyin'... yo tongue gonna fall out yo mouf!


A Glorious Place (Top)

Once upon a time in the Kingdom of Heaven, God was missing for six days. Eventually, Michael, the archangel, found him resting on the seventh day. He inquires of God, "Where have you been?"

God sighed a deep sigh of satisfaction and proudly pointed downward through the clouds. "Look, Michael, look what I've made."

Archangel Michael looked puzzled and said, "What is it?"

"It's a planet," replied God, "and I've put life on it. I'm going to call it earth and it's going to be a great place of balance."

"Balance?" inquired Michael, still confused.

God explained, pointing to different parts of the earth, "For example, northern Europe will be a place of great opportunity and wealth, while southern Europe is going to be poor. The Middle East over there will be a hot spot," God continued, pointing to different countries. "This one will be extremely hot and while this one will be very cold and covered with ice."

The Archangel, impressed by God's work, then pointed to a large land mass with beautiful coast and mountains and said, "What's that one?"

"Ah," said God, "that's Florida, the most glorious place on earth. There are beautiful beaches, rivers, lakes, and climate. The people from Florida are going to be modest, intelligent, and humorous, and they are going to be found traveling the world. They will be extremely sociable, hardworking, and high achieving people, and they will be known throughout the world as diplomats and carriers of peace."

Michael gasped in wonder and admiration, but then exclaimed, "What about balance, God? You said there would be balance! Everyone and everything seems so totally perfect in this place you call Florida!"

God replied wisely, "Wait until you see the people I'm sending there from up north!"


The Church and the Bar (Top)

It was a small town with only two public buildings, the Methodist church, and the local bar. One night, a lightning bolt hit the church and burned it to the ground. The next day, the preacher was walking through the rubble, wondering how he was going to "feed his flock."

The bar owner, driving by, stopped, and approached the preacher with an idea. "I'll tell you what preacher," the bar owner said, "I'll clean up the bar nice on Saturday night, and you can use my building for your service Sunday morning!"

The preacher wasn't so sure this was a good idea, but agreed.

Sunday morning arrived, and the preacher came walking into the bar, which, sure enough, was cleaned up and all the booze was put away. Everything looked great, except the bar owner had forgotten to put his parrot in the back room.

The preacher was laying out his sermon notes, when the parrot says, "Awwk! New bartender, new bartender!"

The choir shows up about 30 minutes later to start practicing their special number, and the parrot says, "Awwk! New floor show, new floor show!"

Finally, the congregation starts filing in, and the parrot concludes with, "Awwk! Same old crowd, same old crowd!"


Sniffer (Top)

A man is sitting in an airliner, which is about to take off when another man with a Labrador retriever occupies the empty seats alongside. The lab is situated in the middle, and the man is looking quizzically at the dog when the second man explains they work for the airline.

The airline rep said, "Don't mind Sniffer; he is the best sniffing dog there is. I'll show you once we get airborne when I put him to work.

The plane takes off and levels out when the handler says to the first man, "Watch this". He tells the dog, "Sniffer, search".

Sniffer jumps down, walks along the aisle and sits next to a woman for a few seconds, then returns to its seat and puts one paw on the handlers arm. He says "Good boy."

The airline rep turns to the first man and says, "That woman is in possession of marijuana, so I'm making note of this and her seat number for the police who will apprehend her on arrival."

"Fantastic!" replies the first man.

Once again he sends Sniffer to search the aisles. The lab sniffs about, sits down beside a man for a few seconds and returns to its seat, and places two paws on the handlers arm. The airline rep says, "That man is carrying cocaine, so again I'm making note of this and his seat number."

"I like it!" says the first man.

A third time the rep sends Sniffer to search the aisles. Sniffer goes up and down the plane and after a while he sits down next to someone.

He then comes racing back, jumps up onto his seat, and poops all over the place.The first man is really grossed out by this behavior from a supposedly well trained sniffing dog and asks, "What's going on?"

The handler nervously replies, "He just found a bomb!"


Saddam Lives? (Top)

The 5 Saddam body doubles are gathered in one of the bunkers in downtown Baghdad. Tariq Aziz, the deputy prime minister, comes and says: "I have some good news and some bad news".

They ask for the good news first. Aziz says: "The good news is that Saddam is still alive, so you all still have your jobs."

"And the bad news" they ask.

Aziz replies: "He's lost an arm."


The Ball Game (Top)

Three elderly ladies smuggle a bottle of Jack Daniels into the ball park for their first game of spring training. The game is real exciting and they are enjoying themselves immensely while mixing the Jack Daniels with soft drinks. Soon they realize that the bottle is almost gone and the game has a lot of innings to go. Based on the given information, what inning is it and how many players are on base?

Answer: It's the bottom of the fifth and the bags are loaded!!!!


Your Peers (Top)

I have been guilty of looking at others my own age and thinking .. surely I cannot look that old ... I'm sure you've done the same......You may enjoy this short story....

While waiting for my first appointment in the reception room of a new dentist, I noticed his certificate, which bore his full name. Suddenly, I remembered that a tall, handsome boy with the same name had been in my high school class some 40 years ago. Upon seeing him, however, I quickly discarded any such thought. This balding, gray-haired man with the deeply lined face was too old to have been my classmate.

After he had examined my teeth, I asked him if he had attended the local high school.

"Yes," he replied.

"When did you graduate?" I asked.

He answered, "In 1957."

"Why, you were in my class!" I exclaimed.

He looked at me closely and then asked, "What did you teach?"


Medical Advice (Top)

One of our geeks was at my computer adjusting some settings so I took the opportunity to ask him a question.

"With all this stuff going around, how do I know if I have a virus?"

He kept working, but without missing a beat he said, . . . "It will burn when you pee."


Two Irishmen (Top)

Two Irishmen were sitting in a pub having beer and watching the brothel across the street. They saw a baptist minister walk into the brothel, and one of them said, "Aye, 'tis a shame to see a man of the cloth goin' bad."

Then they saw a rabbi enter the brothel, and the other Irishman said, "Aye, 'tis a shame to see that the Jews are fallin' victim to temptation."

Then they saw a Catholic priest enter the brothel, and one of the Irishmen said, "What a terrible pity... one of the poor lasses must be gravely ill."


The Watergate Hotel (Top)

A honeymoon couple is in the Watergate Hotel in Washington. The bride is concerned "What if the place is still bugged?"

The groom says "I'll look for a bug." He looks behind the drapes, behind the pictures, under the rug. Finally, he says, "AHA!" Under the rug was a disc with four screws. He gets his Swiss army knife, unscrews the screws, throws them and the disc out the window.

The next morning, the hotel manager asks the newlyweds "How was your room? How was the service? How was your stay at the Watergate Hotel?"

The groom says, "Why are you asking me all of these questions?"

The hotel manager says "Well, the room UNDER you complained of the chandelier falling on them."


2002's Best Ambiguous Headlines (Top)

1 . Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says
2 . Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers
3 . Iraqi Head Seeks Arms
4 . Is There a Ring of Debris around Uranus?
5 . Prostitutes Appeal to Pope
6 . Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over
7 . Teacher Strikes Idle Kids
8 . Miners Refuse to Work after Death
9 . Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant
10 . War Dims Hope for Peace
11 . If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last Awhile
12 . Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures
13 . Enfield (London) Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide
14 . Red Tape Holds Up New Bridges
15 . Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead
16 . Man Struck By Lightning Faces Battery Charge
17 . New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group
18 . Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft
19 . Kids Make Nutritious Snacks
20 . Chef Throws His Heart into Helping Feed Needy
21 . Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half
22 . Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors


The New CEO (Top)

A company, feeling it is time for a shake-up, hires a new CEO. This new boss is determined to rid the company of all slackers. On a tour of the facilities, the CEO notices a guy leaning on a wall. The room is full of workers and he wants to let them know he means business! The CEO walks up to the guy and asks, "And how much money do you make a week?"

Undaunted, the young fellow looks at him and replies, "I make $200 a week. Why?"

The CEO hands the guy $200 in cash and screams, "Here's a week's pay, now GET OUT and don't come back!"

Feeling pretty good about his first firing, the CEO looks around the room and asks, "Does anyone want to tell me what that slacker did here?"

With a sheepish grin, one of the other workers mutters, "Pizza delivery guy from Domino's."


Redneck Census Form (Top)

Last name: ________________
(Check appropriate box)
First name:
[_] Billy-Bob
[_] Bobby-Sue
[_] Billy-Joe
[_] Bobby-Jo
[_] Billy-Ray
[_] Bobby-Ann
[_] Billy-Sue
[_] Bobby-Lee
[_] Billy-Mae
[_] Bobby-Ellen
[_] Billy-Jack
[_] Bobby-Beth Ann Sue

Age: ____ (if unsure, guess)
Sex: ____ M _____ F _____ Not sure
Shoe Size: ____ Left ____ Right

Occupation:
[_] Farmer
[_] Mechanic
[_] Hair Dresser
[_] Waitress
[_] Un-employed
[_] Waitress
[_] Dirty Politician

Spouse's Name: __________________________
2nd Spouse's Name: ______________________
3rd Spouse's Name: ______________________
Lover's Name: ___________________________
2nd Lover's Name: _______________________<

Relationship with spouse:
[_] Sister
[_] Aunt
[_] Brother
[_] Uncle
[_] Mother
[_] Son
[_] Father
[_] Daughter
[_] Cousin
[_] Pet

Number of children living in household: ___
Number of children living in shed: ________
Number of children that are yours: ________

Mother's Name: _______________________
Father's Name: _______________________(If not sure, leave blank)

Education: 1 2 3 4 (Circle highest grade completed)

Do you [_] own or [_] rent your mobile home? (Check appropriate box)

Vehicles you own and where you keep them:
___ Total number of vehicles you own
___ Number of vehicles that still crank
___ Number of vehicles in front yard
___ Number of vehicles in back yard
___ Number of vehicles on cement blocks

Firearms you own and where you keep them:
____ truck
____ kitchen
____ bedroom
____ bathroom
____

Model and year of your pickup: _____________ 194__

Number of road kills presently in your freezer?
[_] 3
[_] 5
[_] 10 or more

Do you have a gun rack?
[_] Yes [_] No -- If No, please explain:

Newspapers/magazines you subscribe to:
[_] The National Enquirer
[_] The Globe
[_] TV Guide
[_] Soap Opera Digest
[_] Rifle and

___ Number of times you've seen a UFO
___ Number of times you've seen Elvis
___ Number of times you've seen Elvis in a UFO

How often do you bathe?
[_] Weekly
[_] Monthly
[_] Not Applicable

How many teeth? ___
Color of teeth:
[_] Yellow
[_] Brownish-Yellow
[_] Brown
[_] Black
[_] N/A

Brand of chewing tobacco you prefer:
[_]

How far is your home from a paved road?
[_] 1 mile
[_] 2 miles
[_] Don't know


True or False? (Top)

1. Apples, not caffeine, are more efficient at waking you up in the morning.
2. Alfred Hitchcock didn't have a bellybutton.
3. A pack-a-day smoker will lose approximately 2 teeth every 10 yrs.
4. People do not get sick from cold weather; it's from being indoors a lot more.
5. When you sneeze, all bodily functions stop even your heart!
6. Only seven (7) per cent of the population are lefties.
7. 40 people are sent to the hospital for dog bites every minute.
8. Babies are born without knee caps. They don't appear until they are 2-6 yrs. old.
9. The average person over fifty will have spent 5 years waiting in lines.
10. The toothbrush was invented in 1498.
11. The average housefly lives for one month.
12. 40,000 Americans are injured by toilets each year.
13. A coat hanger is 44 inches long when straightened.
14. The average computer user blinks 7 times a minute.
15. Your feet are bigger in the afternoon than the rest of the day.
16. Most of us have eaten a spider in our sleep.
17. The REAL reason ostriches stick their head in the sand is to search for water.
18. The only 2 animals that can see behind itself without turning it's head are the rabbit and the parrot.
19. John Travolta turned down the starring roles in "An Officer and a Gentleman" and "Tootsie."
20. Michael Jackson owns the rights to the South Carolina State anthem.
21. In most television commercials advertising milk, a mixture of white paint and a little thinner is used in place of the milk.
22. Prince Charles and Prince William NEVER traveled on the same airplane just in case there is a crash.
23. The first Harley Davidson motorcycle built in 1903 used a tomato can for a carburetor.
24. Most hospitals make money by selling the umbilical cords cut from women who give birth.
They are reused in vein transplant surgery.
25. Humphrey Bogart was related to Princess Diana. They were 7th cousins.
26. If coloring weren't added to Coca-Cola, it would be green.

Click here for ANSWERS


Meatless Fridays (Top)

John Smith was the only Protestant to move into a large Catholic neighborhood. On the first Friday of Lent, John was outside grilling a big juicy steak on his grill.

Meanwhile, all of his neighbors were eating cold tuna fish for supper. This went on each Friday of Lent. On the last Friday of Lent, the neighborhood men got together and decided that something had to be done about John. He was tempting them to eat meat each Friday of Lent, and they couldn't take it anymore. They decided to try and convert John to Catholicism. They went over and talked to him. John decided to join all of his neighbors and become a Catholic, which made them all very happy. They took him to church, and the priest sprinkled some water over him, and said, "You were born a Baptist, you were raised a Baptist, and now you are a Catholic." The men were so relieved, now their biggest Lenten temptation was resolved.

The next year's Lenten season rolled around. The first Friday of Lent came, and, just at supper time, when the neighborhood was settling down to their cold tuna fish dinner, the smell of steak cooking on a grill came wafting into their homes. The neighborhood men could not believe their noses! WHAT WAS GOING ON? They called each other up and decided to meet over in John's yard to see if he had forgotten it was the first Friday of Lent.

The group arrived just in time to see John standing over his grill with a small pitcher of water. He was sprinkling some water over his steak on the grill, saying, "You were born a cow, you were raised a cow, and now you are a fish."


Grandpa Says (Top)

Whether a man winds up with the nest egg or a goose egg depends a lot on the kind of chick he marries.

Trouble in marriage often starts when a man gets so busy earnin' his salt that he forgets his sugar.

Too many couples marry for better or for worse, but not for good.

When a man marries a woman, they become one, but the trouble starts when they try to decide which one.

If a man has enough "horse sense" to treat his wife like a thoroughbred, she will never be an old nag.

Judgin' from the specimens they pick for husbands, it's no wonder that brides often blush.

On anniversaries the wise husband always forgets the past...but never the present.

A foolish husband remarks to his wife: "Honey, you stay home to do the washin', ironin', cookin', and scrubbin'. No wife of mine is gonna work.

The bonds of matrimony are a good investment only when the interest is kept up.

Many girls like to marry a military man--he can cook, sew, make bed, and is in good health... and he's already used to taking orders.


Remind Me God (Top)

When I am lonely and
   Perhaps I feel despair,
Let not my ailing heart forget
   That YOU hear every prayer...

Remind me that no matter what
   I do or fail to do,
There still is hope for as long
   as I have FAITH in YOU...

Let not my eyes be blinded by
   Some folly I commit,
But help me to regret my wrong
   And make amends for it.

Inspire me to put my fears
   Upon a hidden shelf,
And in the future try not to
   Feel sorry for myself.

Give me the restful sleep
   I need Before another dawn,
And bless me in the morning
   with THE COURAGE TO GO ON.


A Beautiful Story (Top)

When I was little, my mother used to sew a great deal. I would sit at her knee and look up from the floor and ask what she was doing. She informed me that she was embroidering. As from the underside I watched her work within the boundaries of the little round hoop that she held in her hand, I complained to her that it sure looked messy from where I sat. She would smile at me, look down and gently say, "Son, you go about your playing for a while, and when I am finished with my embroidering, I will put you on my knee and let you see it from my side."

I would wonder why she was using some dark threads along with the bright ones and why they seemed so jumbled from my view. A few minutes would pass and then I would hear Mother's voice say, "Son, come and sit on my knee." This I did only to be surprised and thrilled to see a beautiful flower or sunset. I could not believe it, because from underneath it looked so messy.

Then Mother would say to me, "My son, from underneath it did look messy and jumbled, but you did not realize that there was a plan on the top. It was a design. I was only following it. Now look at it from my side and you will see what I was doing."

Many times through the years I have looked up to heaven and said, "Father, what are You doing?"

He has answered, "I am embroidering your life."

I say, "But it looks like a mess to me. It seems so jumbled. The threads seem so dark. Why can't they all be bright?"

The Father seems to tell me, "'My child, you go about your business of doing My business, and one day I will bring you to Heaven and put you on My knee and you will see the plan from My side."


Only a true Southerner knows... (Top)

1. Only a true Southerner knows the difference between a hissie fit and a conniption, and that you don't "HAVE" them, -- you "PITCH" them.

2. Only a true Southerner knows how many fish, collard greens, turnip greens, peas, beans, etc. make up "a mess."

3. Only a true Southerner can show or point out to you the general direction of "yonder."

4. Only a true Southerner knows exactly how long "directly" is - as in: "Going to town, be back directly."

5. All true Southerners, even babies, know that "Gimme some sugar" is not a request for the white, granular sweet substance that sits in a pretty little bowl on the middle of the table.

6. All true Southerners know exactly when "by and by" is. They might not use the term, but they know the concept well.

7. Only a true Southerner knows instinctively that the best gesture of solace for a neighbor who's got trouble is a plate of hot fried chicken and a big bowl of cold potato salad. (If the neighbor's trouble is a real crisis, they also know to add a large banana puddin'!)

8. Only true Southerners grow up knowing the difference between "right near" and "a right far piece." They also know that "just down the road" can be 1 mile or 20.

9. Only a true Southerner both knows and understands the difference between a redneck, a good ol' boy, and po' white trash.

10. No true Southerner would ever assume that the car with the flashing turn signal is actually going to make a turn.

11. A true Southerner knows that "fixin'" can be used as a noun, a verb, or an adverb.

12. Only a true Southerner knows that the term "booger" can be a resident of the nose, a descriptive, as in "that ol' booger," a first name or something that jumps out at you in the dark and scares you senseless.

13. Only true Southerners make friends while standing in lines. We don't do "queues", we do "lines," and when we're "in line," we talk to everybody!

14. Put 100 true Southerners in a room and half of them will discover they're related, even if only by marriage.

15. True Southerners never refer to one person as "y'all."

16. True Southerners know grits come from corn and how to eat them.

17. Every true Southerner knows tomatoes with eggs, bacon, grits, and coffee are perfectly wonderful, that redeye gravy is also a breakfast food, and that fried green tomatoes are not a breakfast food.

18. When you hear someone say, "Well, I caught myself lookin'," you know you are in the presence of a genuine Southerner!

19. Only true Southerners say "sweet tea" and "sweet milk." Sweet tea indicates the need for sugar and lots of it - we do not like our tea unsweetened. "Sweet milk" means you don't want buttermilk.

20. And a true Southerner knows you don't scream obscenities at little old ladies who drive 30 MPH on the freeway. You just say, "Bless her heart" and go your own way.


The New Pastor (Top)

The new pastor was visiting in the homes of his parishioners. At one house, it seemed obvious that someone was at home, but no answer came to his repeated knocks at the door. So the pastor took out a card, wrote "Revelation 3:20" on the back, and stuck it in the door.

When the offering was processed the following Sunday, he found that his card had been returned. Added to it was this cryptic message, "Genesis 3:10." Reaching for his Bible to check out the citation, he broke up in gales of laughter.

Revelation 3:20 begins... "Behold, I stand at the door and knock."

Genesis 3:10 reads... "I heard your voice in the garden and I was afraid, for I was naked."


Homeless (Top)

I sat, with two friends, in the picture window of a quaint restaurant just off the corner of the towns square. The food and the company were both especially good that day.

As we talked, my attention was drawn outside, across the street. There, walking into town, was a man who appeared to be carrying all his worldly goods on his back. He was carrying, a well-worn sign that read, "I will work for food." My heart sank. I brought him to the attention of my friends and noticed that others around us had stopped eating to focus on him. Heads moved in a mixture of sadness and disbelief. We continued with our meal, but his image lingered in my mind. We finished our meal and went our separate ways. I had errands to do and quickly set out to accomplish them.

I glanced toward the town square, looking somewhat halfheartedly for the strange visitor. I was fearful, knowing that seeing him again would call some response. I drove through town and saw nothing of him. I made some purchases at a store and got back in my car. Deep within me, the Spirit of God kept speaking to me: "Don't go back to the office until you've at least driven once more around the square." And so, with some hesitancy, I headed back into town. As I turned the square's third corner. I saw him. He was standing on the steps of the storefront church, going through his sack. I stopped and looked; feeling both compelled to speak to him, yet wanting to drive on.

The empty parking space on the corner seemed to be a sign from God: an invitation to park. I pulled in, got out and approached the town's newest visitor. "Looking for the pastor?" I asked.

"Not really," he replied, "just resting."

"Have you eaten today?"

"Oh, I ate something early this morning."

"Would you like to have lunch with me?"

"Do you have some work I could do for you?"

"No work," I replied. "I commute here to work from the city, but I would like to take you to lunch."

"Sure," he replied with a smile.

As he began to gather his things. I asked some surface questions. "Where you headed?"

"St. Louis."

"Where you from?"

"Oh, all over; mostly Florida."

"How long you been walking?"

"Fourteen years," came the reply.

I knew I had met someone unusual. We sat across from each other in the same restaurant I had left earlier. His face was weathered slightly beyond his 38 years. His eyes were dark yet clear, and he spoke with an eloquence and articulation that was startling. He removed his jacket to reveal a bright red T-shirt that said, "Jesus is The Never Ending Story." Then Daniel's story began to unfold. He had seen rough times early in life. He'd made some wrong choices and reaped the consequences.

Fourteen years earlier, while backpacking across the country, he had stopped on the beach in Daytona. He tried to hire on with some men who were putting up a large tent and some equipment. A concert, he thought. He was hired, but the tent would not house a concert but revival services, and in those services he saw life more clearly. He gave his life over to God.

"Nothing's been the same since," he said, "I felt the Lord telling me to keep walking, and so I did, some 14 years now."

"Ever think of stopping?" I asked.

"Oh, once in a while, when it seems to get the best of me. But God has given me this calling. I give out Bibles. That's what's in my sack. I work to buy food and Bibles, and I give them out when His Spirit leads."

I sat amazed. My homeless friend was not homeless. He was on a mission and lived this way by choice. The question burned inside for a moment and then I asked: "What's it like?"

"What?"

"To walk into a town carrying all your things on your back and to show your sign?"

"Oh, it was humiliating at first. People would stare and make comments. Once someone tossed a piece of half-eaten bread and made a gesture that certainly didn't make me feel welcome. But then it became humbling to realize that God was using me to touch lives and change people's concepts of other folks like me."

My concept was changing, too. We finished our dessert and gathered his things. Just outside the door, he paused. He turned to me and said, "Come Ye blessed of my Father and inherit the kingdom I've prepared for you. For when I was hungry you gave me food, when I was thirsty you gave me drink, a stranger and you took me in."

I felt as if we were on holy ground. "Could you use another Bible?" I asked.

He said he preferred a certain translation. It traveled well and was not too heavy. It was also his personal favorite. "I've read through it 14 times," he said.

"I'm not sure we've got one of those, but let's stop by our church and see." I was able to find my new friend a Bible that would do well, and he seemed very grateful. "Where you headed from here?"

"Well, I found this little map on the back of this amusement park coupon."

"Are you hoping to hire on there for awhile?"

"No, I just figure I should go there. I figure someone under that star right there needs a Bible, so that's where I'm going next."

He smiled, and the warmth of his spirit radiated the sincerity of his mission. I drove him back to the town-square where we'd met two hours earlier, and as we drove, it started raining. We parked and unloaded his things.

"Would you sign my autograph book?" he asked. "I like to keep messages from folks I meet."

I wrote in his little book that his commitment to his calling had touched my life. I encouraged him to stay strong. And I left him with a verse of scripture from Jeremiah, "I know the plans I have for you," declared the Lord, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you. Plans to give you a future and a hope."

"Thanks, man," he said. "I know we just met and we're really just strangers, but I love you."

"I know," I said, "I love you, too."

"The Lord! is good."

"Yes, He is. How long has it been since someone hugged you?" I asked.

"A long time," he replied.

And so on the busy street corner in the drizzling rain, my new friend and I embraced, and I felt deep inside that I had been changed. He put his things on his back, smiled his winning smile and said, "See you in the New Jerusalem."

"I'll be there!" was my reply.

He began his journey again. He headed away with his sign dangling from his bedroll and pack of Bibles. He stopped, turned and said, "When you see something that makes you think of me, will you pray for me?"

"You bet," I shouted back, "God bless."

"God bless." And that was the last I saw of him.

Late that evening as I left my office, the wind blew strong. The cold front had settled hard upon the town. I bundled up and hurried to my car. As I sat back and reached for the emergency brake, I saw them... a pair of well-worn brown work gloves neatly laid over the length of the handle. I picked them up and thought of my friend and wondered if his hands would stay warm that night without them. I remembered his words: "If you see something that makes you think of me, will you pray for me?"

Today his gloves lie on my desk in my office. They help me to see the world and its people in a new way, and they help me remember those two hours with my unique friend and to pray for his ministry.

"See you in the New Jerusalem," he said. Yes, Daniel, I know I will ... "I shall pass this way but once. Therefore, any good that I can do or any kindness that I can show, let me do it now, for I shall not pass this way again."


Blonde Joke (Top)

Three blondes died and found themselves standing before St. Peter. He told them that before they could enter the Kingdom, they had to tell him what the meaning of Easter was.

The first blonde said, "Easter is a holiday where they have a big feast and we give thanks and eat turkey."

St. Peter said, "Noooooo," and he banished her to hell.

The second blonde said, "Easter is when we celebrate Jesus's birth and exchange gifts." St. Peter said, "Noooooo," and he banished her to hell.

The third blonde said, she knew what Easter is.

And St. Peter said, "So, tell me."

She said," Easter is a Christian holiday that coincides with the Jewish festival of Passover. Jesus was having Passover feast with His disciples when he was betrayed by Judas, and the Romans arrested him. The Romans hung Him on the cross and eventually He died. Then they buried Him in a tomb behind a very large boulder .....

St. Peter said, "Verrrrrry good."

Then the blonde continued, "....Now every year the Jews roll away the boulder and Jesus comes out. If he sees his shadow, we have six more weeks of basketball."

St. Peter fainted.


A Tap on the Shoulder (Top)

A passenger in a taxi tapped the driver on the shoulder to ask him something. The driver screamed, lost control of the cab, nearly hit a bus, drove up over the curb, and stopped just inches from a large plate glass window.

For a few moments everything was silent in the cab, then the driver said, "Please, don't ever do that again. You scared the daylights out of me."

The passenger, who was also frightened, apologized and said he didn't realize that a tap on the shoulder could frighten him so much.

The driver replied, "I'm sorry, it's really not your fault at all. Today is my first day driving a cab. I have been driving a hearse for the last 25 years."


Which Service? (Top)

One Sunday morning the pastor noticed Alex staring up at the large plaque that hung in the foyer of the church. It was covered with names and small American flags were mounted on either side of it. The seven year old had been staring at the plaque for quite some time, so the pastor walked up, stood beside the little boy, and said quietly, "Good morning, Alex."

"Good morning, Pastor," replied Alex, still focused on the plaque. "Pastor, what is this?"

"Well, son, it's a memorial to all the young men and women who died in the service."

Soberly, they stood together, staring at the large plaque. Alex's voice was barely audible, trembling with fear, when he asked, "Which service, the 9:45 or the 11:15?"


The Dachshund vs The Leopard (Top)

A wealthy man decided to go on a safari in Africa. He took his faithful pet dachshund along for company. One day, the dachshund started chasing butterflies and before long the dachshund discovered that he was lost.

So, wandering about, he noticed a leopard heading rapidly in his direction with the obvious intention of having lunch. The dachshund thought, "OK, I'm in deep trouble now!" Then he noticed some bones on the ground, close by, and immediately settled down to chew on the bones with his back to the approaching cat.

Just as the leopard was about to leap, the dachshund exclaimed loudly, "Boy, that was one delicious leopard. I wonder if there are any more around here?"

Hearing this, the leopard halted his attack in mid-stride, as a look of terror came over him, and slinked away into the trees. "Whew," said the leopard. "That was close. That dachshund nearly had me."

Meanwhile, a monkey who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree figured he could put this knowledge to good use and trade it for protection from the leopard. So, off he went.

But the dachshund saw him heading after the leopard with great speed and figured that something must be up. The monkey soon caught up with the leopard, spilled the beans, and struck a deal for himself with the leopard.

The leopard was furious at being made a fool of and said, "Here monkey, hop on my back and see what's going to happen to that conniving canine."

Now the dachshund saw the leopard coming with the monkey on his back, and thought, "What am I going to do now?" But instead of running, the dog sat down with his back to his attackers, pretending he hadn't seen them yet... and just when they got close enough to hear, the dachshund said, "Where's that monkey? I sent him off half an hour ago to bring me another leopard."

Moral: If you can't dazzle them with brilliance, then baffle them with bull----!!


Stress Management (Top)

Just in case you've had a rough day, here's a stress management technique recommended in all the latest psychological texts. The funny thing is that it really works...

1. Picture yourself near a stream.
2. Birds are softly chirping in the cool mountain air.
3. No one but you knows your secret place.
4. You are in total seclusion from the hectic place called "the world."
5. The soothing sound of a gentle waterfall fills the air with a cascade of serenity.
6. The water is crystal clear.
7. You can easily make out the face of the person you're holding underwater.


Red Skelton's Tips for a Happy Marriage (Top)

1. Two times a week, we go to a nice restaurant, have a little beverage,then comes good food and companionship. She goes on Tuesdays, I go on Fridays.

2. We also sleep in separate beds. Hers is in Ontario and mine is in Tucson.

3. I take my wife everywhere, but she keeps finding her way back.

4. I asked my wife where she wanted to go for our anniversary. "Somewhere I haven't been in a longtime!"she said. So I suggested the kitchen.

5. We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.

6. She has an electric blender, electric toaster, and electric bread maker. Then she said, "There are too many gadgets, and no place to sit down!" So I bought her an electric chair.

7. My wife told me the car wasn't running well because there was water in the carburetor. I asked where the car was, she told me, "In the Lake."

8. She got a mudpack and looked great for two days. Then the mud fell off.

9. She ran after the garbage truck, yelling, "Am I too late for the garbage?"
The driver said, "No, jump in!"

10.Remember. Marriage is the number one cause of divorce.

11.Statistically, 100% of all divorces start with marriage.

12.I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was Always.

13.I haven't spoken to my wife in 18 months. I don't like to interrupt her.

14.The last fight was my fault. My wife asked, "What's on the TV?" I said, "Dust!"


The Blonde (Top)

A blonde calls her boyfriend and says, "Please come over here and help me...I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can't figure out how to get it started."

Her boyfriend asks, "What is it supposed to be when it's finished?"

The blonde says, "According to the picture on the box, it's a tiger."

Her boyfriend decides to go over and help with the puzzle. She lets him in and shows him where she has the puzzle spread all over the table. He studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at the box, then turns to her and says, "First of all, no matter what we do, we're not going to be able to assemble these pieces into anything resembling a tiger."

He holds her hand and says, "Secondly, I'd like you to relax. Let's have a cup of coffee, then........." he sighed, "let's put all these Frosted Flakes back in the box."


Bridges (Top)

Once upon a time two brothers who lived on adjoining farms fell into conflict. It was the first serious rift in 40 years of farming side by side, sharing machinery, and trading labor and goods as needed without a hitch.

Then the long collaboration fell apart. It began with a small misunderstanding and it grew into a major difference, and finally it exploded into an exchange of bitter words followed by weeks of silence.

One morning there was a knock on John's door. He opened it to find a man with a carpenter's toolbox. "I'm looking for a few days work" he said. "Perhaps you would have a few small jobs here and there I could help with? Could I help you?"

"Yes," said the older brother. "I do have a job for you. Look across the creek at that farm. That's my neighbor, in fact, it's my younger brother. "Last week there was a meadow between us and he took his bulldozer to the river levee and now there is a creek between us. Well, he may have done this to spite me, but I'll go him one better. See that pile of lumber by the barn? I want you to build me a fence, an 8-foot fence, so I won't need to see his place or his face anymore."

The carpenter said, "I think I understand the situation. Show me the nails and the post-hole digger and I'll be able to do a job that pleases you."

The older brother had to go to town, so he helped the carpenter get the materials ready and then he was off for the day. The carpenter worked hard all that day measuring, sawing, nailing. About sunset when the farmer returned, the carpenter had just finished his job. The farmer's eyes opened wide, his jaw dropped. There was no fence there at all. It was a bridge - a bridge stretching from one side of the creek to the other! A fine piece of work handrails and all-and the neighbor, his younger brother, was coming across, his hand outstretched.

"You are quite a fellow to build this bridge after all I've said and done."

The two brothers stood at each end of the bridge, and then they met in the middle, taking each other's hand. They turned to see the carpenter hoist his toolbox on his shoulder.

"No, wait! Stay a few days. I've a lot of other projects for you," said the older brother.

"I'd love to stay on," the carpenter said, "but, I have many more bridges to build."

* - - - - - - - - - - *

God won't ask what kind of car you drove; He'll ask how many people you drove who didn't have transportation.

God won't ask the square footage of your house; He'll ask how many people you welcomed into your home.

God won't ask about the clothes you had in your closet; He'll ask how many you helped to clothe.

God won't ask about your social status; He will ask what kind of class you displayed.

God won't ask how many material possessions you had; He'll ask if they dictated your life.

God won't ask what your highest salary was; He'll ask if you compromised your character to obtain it.

God won't ask how much overtime you worked; He'll ask if your overtime work was for yourself or for your family.

God won't ask how many promotions you received; He'll ask how you promoted others.

God won't ask what your job title was; He'll ask if you performed your job to the best of your ability.

God won't ask what you did to help yourself; He'll ask what you did to help others.

God won't ask how many friends you had; He'll ask how many people to whom you were a friend.

God won't ask what you did to protect your rights; He'll ask what you did to protect the rights of others.

God won't ask in what neighborhood you lived; He'll ask how you treated your neighbors.

God won't ask about the color of your skin; He'll ask about the content of your character.

God won't ask how many times your deeds matched your words; He'll ask how many times they didn't.

God won't ask why it took you so long to seek Salvation; He'll lovingly take you to your mansion in heaven, and not to the gates of Hell.


The 'Dumb' Blonde (Top)

A blonde and a lawyer are seated next to each other on a flight from Los Angeles to New York. The lawyer asks if she would like to play a fun game?

The blonde, tired, just wants to take a nap, politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks. The lawyer persists and explains that the game is easy and a lot of fun. He explains, "I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me $5.00, and visa versa." Again, she declines and tries to get some sleep. The lawyer, now agitated, says, "Okay, if you don't know the answer you pay me $5.00, and if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $500.00."

This catches the blonde's attention and, figuring there will be no end to this torment unless she plays, agrees to the game. The lawyer asks the first question. "What's the distance from the earth to the moon?"

The blonde doesn't say a word, reaches into her purse, pulls out a $5.00 bill and hands it to the lawyer. "Okay, " says the lawyer, "your turn".

She asks the lawyer, "What goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four legs?" The lawyer, puzzled, takes out his laptop computer and searches all his references, no answer. He taps into the air phone with his modem and searches the net and the library of congress, no answer. Frustrated, he sends e-mail to all his friends and coworkers, to no avail. After an hour, he wakes the blonde, and hands her $500.00.

The blonde says, "Thank you," and turns back to get some more sleep.

The lawyer, who is more than a little miffed, wakes the blonde and asks, "Well, what's the answer?"

Without a word, the blonde reaches into her purse, hands the lawyer $5.00, and goes back to sleep.


Quick Come Backs (Top)

***Don't mess with these ladies
A flight attendant was stationed at the departure gate to check tickets. As a man approached, she extended her hand for the ticket, and he opened his trench coat and flashed her. Without missing a beat she said, "Sir, I need to see your ticket, not your stub."


***Let's go for stupid
A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at the grocery store, but couldn't find one big enough for her family. She asked a stock boy, "Do these turkeys get any bigger?" The stock boy replied, "No ma'am, they're dead."


***Caught for speeding
The cop got out of his car and the kid that was stopped for speeding rolled down his window. "I've been waiting for you all day," the cop said. The kid replied, "Yeah, well I got here as fast as I could." When the cop finally stopped laughing, he sent the kid on his way without a ticket.


***Stuck under a bridge
A truck driver was driving along on the freeway. A sign comes up that reads "low bridge ahead." Before he knows it the bridge is right ahead of him and he gets stuck under the bridge. Cars are backed up for miles.

Finally, a police car comes up. The cop gets out of his car and walks round to the truck driver, puts his hands on his hips and says, "Got stuck, huh?"

The truck driver says, "No, I was delivering this bridge and ran out of gas."


***Drunk?
The drunken wino was stumbling down the street with one foot on the curb and one foot in the gutter. A cop pulled up and said, "I've got to take you in, sir. You're obviously drunk".

The wasted wino asked, "Ociffer, are ya absolutely sure I'm drunk?"

"Yeah, buddy, I'm sure," said the copper. "Let's go."

Obviously relieved, the wino said "That's a relief - I thought I was a cripple."


***Dealing with trouble
A deputy police officer responded to a report of a barroom disturbance. The "disturbance" turned out to be well over six feet tall and weighed almost 300 pounds. What's more, he boasted that he could whip the deputy and Muhammad Ali too. Said the policeman, "I'll bet that you're also an escape artist-probably better than Houdini." The giant nodded.

"If I had some chains," the deputy continued, "you could show us how strong you really are. But all I've got is a set of handcuffs. Why don't you see just how quickly you can break out of them?"

Once in the cuffs, the man puffed, pulled and jerked for four minutes. "I can't get out of these," the giant growled.

"Are you sure?" the deputy asked. The fellow tried again.

"Nope,"he replied. "I can't do it."

"In that case," said the deputy, "you're under arrest."


***Too Late
The man was in no shape to drive, so he wisely left his car parked and walked home. As he was walking unsteadily along, he was stopped by a policeman.
"What are you doing out here at 2 A.M.?" asked the officer.
"I'm going to a lecture." The man said.
"And who is going to give a lecture at this hour?" the cop asked. "My wife," said the man.


***The word is WHAT?
A new young monk arrives at the monastery. He is assigned to help the other monks in copying the old canon laws of the church by hand. He notices, however, that all of the monks are copying from copies, not the original manuscripts.

So, the new monk goes to the head abbot to ask him about this, pointing out that if there was an error in the first copy from the original, that error would be continued in all of the subsequent copies.

The head monk says: We have been copying from the copies for centuries, but you make a good point, my son. So, he goes down into the dark caves underneath the monastery where the original manuscript is held in a locked vault that hasn't been opened for centuries. Hours go by and nobody sees the old abbot.

So, the young monk gets worried and goes downstairs to look for him. He sees him banging his head against the wall. His forehead is all bloody and bruised and he is crying uncontrollably. The young monk asks the old abbot, "What's wrong, father?"

With a choking voice, the old abbot replies, "The word is 'celebrate', not 'celibate'."


When Drugs are a Good Thing (Top)

I had a "drug" problem when I was a young person. I was
"drug" to church on Sunday morning. I was
"drug" to church on Sunday night, and I was
"drug" to church on Wednesday night. I was
"drug" to Sunday School; I was
"drug" to vacation Bible school and
"drug" to the family altar to pray. I was also
"drug" to the woodshed when I disobeyed my parents, told a lie, brought home a bad report card or did not speak with respect.

Those "drugs" are still in my veins, and they affect my behavior in nearly everything I do and say and think.They are stronger than cocaine, crack or heroin.If more children had this "drug" problem, America would certainly be a better place.


Money (Top)

It can buy a House .......... But not a Home
It can buy a Bed .............But not Sleep
It can buy a Clock .......... But not Time
It can buy you a Book ....... But not knowledge
It can buy you a Position ... But not Respect
It can buy you Medicine ..... But not Health
It can buy you Blood ........ But not Life
It can buy you Sex .......... But not Love

So you see money isn't everything. And it often causes pain and suffering. I tell you all this because I am your friend, and as your friend I want to take away your pain and suffering,

... So send me all your money ...and I will suffer for you. CASH ONLY PLEASE!!!


Squirrels (Top)

A small town had two churches, Presbyterian and Methodist, and a Synagogue. All three had a serious problem with squirrels in their building. Each in its own fashion had a meeting to deal with the problem.

The Presbyterians decided that it was predestined that squirrels be in the church and that they would just have to live with them.

The Methodists decided they should deal with the squirrels lovingly in the style of Charles Wesley. They humanely trapped them and released them in a park at the edge of town. Within 3 days, they were all back in the church.

The Jews had the best solution. They voted the squirrels in as members. Now they only see them at Rosh Hashanah and Yom Kippur.


Straight from the mouths of Babes (Top)

Letters to a Pastor . . .


**Dear Pastor, I know God loves everybody but He never met my sister.
Yours sincerely, Arnold. Age 8, Nashville.

**Dear Pastor, Please say in your sermon that Peter Peterson has been a good boy all week. I am Peter Peterson.
Sincerely, Pete. Age 9, Phoenix

**Dear Pastor, My father should be a minister. Every day he gives us a sermon about something.
Robert, Page 11, Anderson

**Dear Pastor, I'm sorry I can't leave more money in the plate, but my father didn't give me a raise in my allowance. Could you have a sermon about a raise in my allowance?
Love, Patty. Age 10, New Haven

**Dear Pastor, My mother is very religious. She goes to play bingo at church every week even if she has a cold.
Yours truly, Annette. Age 9, Albany

**Dear Pastor, I would like to go to heaven someday because I know my brother won't be there.
Stephen. Age 8, Chicago

**Dear Pastor, I think a lot more people would come to your church if you moved it to Disneyland.
Loreen. Age 9. Tacoma

**Dear Pastor, I liked your sermon where you said that good health is more important than money but I still want a raise in my allowance.
Sincerely, Eleanor. Age 12, Sarasota

**Dear Pastor, Please pray for all the airline pilots. I am flying to California tomorrow.
Laurie. Age 10, New York City

**Dear Pastor, I hope to go to heaven some day but later than sooner.
Love, Ellen, age 9. Athens

**Dear Pastor, Please say a prayer for our Little League team. We need God's help or a new pitcher.
Thank you. Alexander. Age 10, Raleigh

**Dear Pastor, My father says I should learn the Ten Commandments. But I don't think I want to because we have enough rules already in my house.
Joshua. Age 10, South Pasadena

**Dear Pastor, Who does God pray to? Is there a God for God?
Sincerely, Christopher. Age 9, Titusville

**Dear Pastor, Are there any devils on earth? I think there may be one in my class.
Carla. Age 10, Salina

**Dear Pastor, I liked your sermon on Sunday. Especially when it was finished.
Ralph, Age 11, Akron

**Dear Pastor, How does God know the good people from the bad people? Do you tell Him or does He read about it in the newspapers?
Sincerely, Marie. Age 9, Lewiston


Today #2 (Top)

I woke up early today, excited over all I get to do before the clock strikes midnight. I have responsibilities to fulfill today. I am important. My job is to choose what kind of day I am going to have.

. Today, I can complain because the weather is rainy, or I can be thankful that the grass is getting watered for free.

. Today, I can feel sad that I don't have more money, or I can be glad that my finances encourage me to plan my purchases wisely and guide me away from waste.

. Today, I can grumble about my health, or I can rejoice that I am alive.

. Today, I can lament over all that my parents didn't give me when I was growing up, or I can feel grateful that they allowed me to be born.

. Today, I can cry because roses have thorns, or I can celebrate that thorns have roses.

. Today, I can mourn my lack of friends, or I can excitedly embark upon a quest to discover new relationships.

. Today, I can whine because I have to go to work, or I can shout for joy because I have a job to do.

. Today, I can complain because I have to go to school, or eagerly open my mind and fill it with rich new tidbits of knowledge.

. Today, I can murmur because I have to do housework, or I can feel honored because I have been provided shelter for my mind, body, and soul.

. Today stretches ahead of me, waiting to be shaped. And here I am, the sculptor who gets to do the shaping. What today will be like is up to me.

. I get to choose what kind of day I will have.

. I will make it a GREAT day... unless you have other plans.


How to Bathe a Cat (Top)

1. Thoroughly clean toilet.
2. Lift both lids and add shampoo.
3. Find and soothe cat as you carry him to bathroom.
4. In one swift move, place cat in toilet, close both lids and stand on top, so cat cannot escape.
5. The cat will self agitate and produce ample suds.
(Ignore ruckus from inside toilet, cat is enjoying this)
6. Flush toilet 3 or 4 times. This provides power rinse, which is quite effective.
7. Have someone open outside door, stand as far from toilet as possible and quickly lift both lids.
8. Clean cat will rocket out of the toilet and outdoors, where he will air dry.

Sincerely,

The Dog


Gotta Stay Mobile (Top)

At a nursing home a group of seniors were sitting around talking about all their ailments.

"My arms have gotten so weak I can hardly lift this cup of coffee," said one.

"Yes, I know," said another. "My cataracts are so bad I can't even see my coffee."

"I couldn't even mark an "X" at election time, my hands are so crippled," volunteered a third.

"What? Speak up! What? I can't hear you! I can't turn my head because of the arthritis in my neck," said a fourth, to which several nodded weakly in agreement.

"My blood pressure pills make me so dizzy!" exclaimed another.

"I forget where I am, and where I'm going," said another.

"I guess that's the price we pay for getting old," winced an old man as he slowly shook his head. The others nodded in agreement.

"Well, count your blessings," said one woman cheerfully, "Thank God we can all still drive."


Payday Party (Top)

A man left for work one Friday afternoon. But it was payday, so instead of going home, he stayed out the entire weekend partying with the boys and spending his entire paycheck.

When he finally appeared at home on Sunday night, he was confronted by his angry wife and was barraged for nearly two hours with a tirade befitting his actions.

Finally his wife stopped the nagging and said to him, "How would you like it if you didn't see me for two or three days?"

He replied, "That would be fine with me."

Monday went by and he didn't see his wife. Tuesday and Wednesday came and went with the same results. But on Thursday, the swelling went down just enough where he could see her a little out of the corner of his left eye.


Labor Pains (Top)

A married couple went to the hospital to have their baby delivered. Upon their arrival, the doctor said he had invented a new machine that would transfer a portion of the mother's labor pain to the father.

He asked if they were willing to try it out. They were both very much in favor of it. The doctor set the pain transfer to 10% for starters, explaining that even 10% was probably more pain than the father had ever experienced before. But as the labor progressed, the husband felt fine and asked the doctor to go ahead and kick it up a notch.

The doctor then adjusted the machine to 20% pain transfer. The husband was still feeling fine. The doctor checked the husband's blood pressure and was amazed at how well he was doing. At this point they decided to try for 50%.

The husband continued to feel quite well. Since the pain transfer was obviously helping out the wife considerably, the husband encouraged the doctor to transfer ALL the pain to him.

The wife delivered a healthy baby with virtually no pain. She and her husband were ecstatic.

When they got home, the mailman was dead on the porch.


What Causes Arthritis? (Top)

A drunk man who smelled like gin sat down on a subway seat next to a priest. The man's tie was stained, his face was plastered with red lipstick, and a half empty bottle of gin was sticking out of his torn coat pocket. He opened his newspaper and began reading.

After a few minutes the man turned to the priest and asked," Say, Father, what causes arthritis?"

"My Son, it's caused by loose living, being with cheap, wicked women, too much alcohol and a contempt for your fellow man, sleeping around with prostitutes and lack of bath."

"Well, I'll be damned," the drunk muttered, returning to his paper.

The priest, thinking about what he had said, nudged the man and apologized. "I'm very sorry. I didn't mean to come on so strong. How long have you had arthritis?"

"I don't have it, Father. I was just reading here that the Pope does."


The Van Gogh family tree (Top)

His dizzy aunt: Verti Gogh
The brother who ate prunes: Gotta Gogh
The constipated uncle: Cant Gogh
The brother who worked at a convenience store: Stopn Gogh
The grandfather from Yugoslavia: U Gogh
The brother who refused to bleach his clothes white: Hue Gogh
The cousin from Illinois: Chica Gogh
His magician uncle: Wherediddy Gogh
His Mexican cousin: Amee Gogh
The Mexican cousin's American half brother: Grin Gogh
The ballroom dancing aunt: Tan Gogh
A sister who loved disco: Go Gogh
The nephew who drove a stage coach: Wellsfar Gogh
The bird lover uncle: Flamin Gogh
His nephew psychoanalyst: E. Gogh
The fruit loving cousin: Man Gogh
An aunt who taught positive thinking: Wayto Gogh
The bouncy little nephew: Poe Gogh
His niece who travels the country in a van: Winnie Bay Gogh


Job Description (Top)

If it had been presented this way, no one would have done it!

POSITION: Mother, Mom, Momma, Mama, Ma

JOB DESCRIPTION:
Long term, team players needed, for challenging permanent work in an, often chaotic environment. Candidates must possess excellent communication and organizational skills and be willing to work variable hours, which will include evenings and weekends and frequent 24 hour shifts on call. Some overnight travel required, including trips to primitive camping sites on rainy weekends and endless sports tournaments in far away cities. Travel expenses not reimbursed. Extensive courier duties also required.

RESPONSIBILITIES:
The rest of your life. Must be willing to be hated, at least temporarily, until someone needs $5 or turns 21. Must be willing to bite tongue repeatedly. Also, must possess the physical stamina of a pack mule and be able to go from zero to 60 mph in three seconds flat, in case, this time, the screams from the backyard are not someone just crying wolf.

Must be willing to face stimulating technical challenges, such as small gadget repair, mysteriously sluggish toilets and stuck zippers.
Must screen phone calls, maintain calendars and coordinate production of multiple homework projects.
Must have ability to plan and organize social gatherings for clients of all ages and mental outlooks.
Must be willing to be indispensable one minute, an embarrassment the next.
Must handle assembly and product safety testing of a half million cheap, plastic toys, and battery operated devices.
Must always hope for the best but be prepared for the worst.
Must assume final, complete accountability for the quality of the end product.
Responsibilities also include floor maintenance and janitorial work throughout the facility.

POSSIBILITY FOR ADVANCEMENT & PROMOTION:
Virtually none. Your job is to remain in the same position for years, without complaining, constantly retraining and updating your skills, so that those in your charge can ultimately surpass you.

PREVIOUS EXPERIENCE:
None required unfortunately. On-the-job training offered on a continually exhausting basis.

WAGES AND COMPENSATION:
Get this! You pay them! Offering frequent raises and bonuses. A balloon payment is due when they turn 18 because of the assumption that college will help them become financially independent. When you die, you give them whatever is left. The oddest thing about this reverse-salary scheme is that you actually enjoy it and wish you could only do more.

BENEFITS:
While no health or dental insurance, no pension, no tuition reimbursement, no paid holidays and no stock options are offered; this job supplies limitless opportunities for personal growth and free hugs & kisses for life if you play your cards right.

REJOICE EVERMORE!


Sheep Blonde (Top)

Woman gets her hair colored blonde and the next day she decides to demonstrate that she is not a dumb blonde. She walks by a sheepherder and decides to show off her intelligence. She asks the sheepherder "If I guess the number of sheep in your pasture, can I have one?"

The man agrees.

So the woman carefully gazes over the herd and correctly pronounces 178!

The sheepherder is very impressed, and he opens the gate so the woman can collect her sheep.

As she is proudly leaving with her reward, the shepherd ask the blonde, "If I can guess your original hair color, can I have my sheepdog back?"


The Bull (Top)

A man takes his wife to the State Fair and one of the exhibits is that of breeding bulls. They come up to the first pen and there is a sign that says "This Bull mated 50 times last year."

The wife pokes her husband in the ribs and says, "He mated 50 times last year."

They walked a little further and see another pen with a sign that says, "This Bull mated 120 times last year."

The wife hits her husband and says "That's more than twice a week! You could learn a lot from him."

They walk further and a third pen has a Bull with a sign saying "This Bull mated 365 times last year."

The wife gets really excited and says "That's once a day. You could REALLY learn something from this one."

The husband looks at her and says .... "Go up and ask him if it was with the same cow."

After nine surgeries and six years of therapy, the husband is now able to talk. It is hoped that someday he will walk again.


Age (Top)

Long ago when men cursed and beat the ground with sticks, it was called witchcraft...Today, it's called golf.

Eventually you will reach a point when you stop lying about your age and start bragging about it.

The older we get, the fewer things seem worth waiting in line for.

Some people try to turn back their odometers. Not me, I want people to know "why" I look this way. I've traveled a long way and some of the roads weren't paved!!!

How old would you be if you didn't know how old you are?

When you are dissatisfied and would like to go back to youth, think of Algebra!!!

You know you are getting old when everything either dries up or leaks.

One must wait until evening to see how splendid the day has been.

Ah........ Being young is beautiful, but being old is rather comfortable.

Old age is when former classmates are so gray and wrinkled and bald they don't recognize you.

If you don't learn to laugh at trouble, you won't have anything to laugh at when you are old.

First you forget names, then you forget faces. Then you forget to pull up your zipper, then
      - - -Oh my goodness, you forgot to pull your zipper down!

If you jog in a jogging suit, lounge in lounging pajamas, and smoke in a smoking jacket, WHY would anyone want to wear a windbreaker?

And best of all.... I don't know how I got over the hill without ever getting to the top.


Alligator (Top)

So one day, Gramma sent her grandson Johnny down to the water hole to get some water for cooking dinner. As he was dipping the bucket in, he saw two big eyes looking back at him. He dropped the bucket and hightailed it for Gramma's kitchen.

"Well now, where's my bucket and where's my water?" Gramma asked him.

"I can't get any water from that water hole, Gramma" exclaimed Johnny. "There's a BIG ol' alligator down there!"

"Now don't you mind that ol' alligator, Johnny. He's been there for a few years now, and he's never hurt no one. Why, he's probably as scared of you as you are of him!"

"Well, Gramma," replied Johnny, "if he's as scared of me as I am of him, then that water ain't fit to drink!"


How Did We Survive? (Top)

Looking back, it's hard to believe that we have lived as long as we have.....

My Mom used to cut chicken, chop eggs and spread mayo on the same cutting board with the same knife and no bleach, but we didn't seem to get food poisoning.

My Mom used to defrost hamburger on the counter AND I used to eat it raw sometimes too, but I can't remember getting E-coli.

We had no childproof lids on medicine bottles, doors, or cabinets, and when we rode our bikes we had no helmets.

We played with toy guns, cowboys and Indians, army, cops and robbers, and used our fingers to simulate guns when the toy ones or my BB gun was not available.

Some students weren't as smart as others or didn't work hard so they failed a grade and were held back to repeat the same grade. That generation produced some of the greatest risk-takers and problem solvers. We had the freedom, failure, success and responsibility, and we learned how to deal with it all.

Almost all of us would have rather gone swimming in the lake instead of a pristine pool (talk about boring), the term cell phone would have conjured up a phone in a jail cell, and a pager was the school PA system.

We all took gym, not PE... and risked permanent injury with a pair of high top Ked's (only worn in gym) instead of having cross-training athletic shoes with air cushion soles and built in light reflectors. I can't recall any injuries but they must have happened because they tell us how much safer we are now. Flunking gym was not an option... even for stupid kids! I guess PE must be much harder than gym.

Every year, someone taught the whole school a lesson by running in the halls with leather soles on linoleum tile and hitting the wet spot. How much better off would we be today if we only knew we could have sued the school system.

Speaking of school, we all said prayers and the pledge and stayed in detention after school and caught all sorts of negative attention for the next two weeks. We must have had horribly damaged psyches.

I can't understand it. Schools didn't offer 14 year olds an abortion or condoms (we wouldn't have known what either was anyway) but they did give us a couple of aspirin and cough syrup if we started getting the sniffles. What an archaic health system we had then. Remember school nurses? Ours wore a hat and everything.

I thought that I was supposed to accomplish something before I was allowed to be proud of myself.

I just can't recall how bored we were without computers, PlayStation, Nintendo, X-box or 270 digital cable stations. I must be repressing that memory as I try to rationalize through the denial of the dangers could have befallen us as we trekked off each day about a mile down the road to some guy's vacant 20, built forts out of branches and pieces of plywood, made trails, and fought over who got to be the Lone Ranger. What was that property owner thinking, letting us play on that lot. He should have been locked up for not putting up a fence around the property, complete with a self-closing gate and an infrared intruder alarm. Oh yeah... and where was the Benadryl and sterilization kit when I got that bee sting? I could have been killed!

We played king of the hill on piles of gravel left on vacant construction sites and when we got hurt, Mom pulled out the 48 cent bottle of mercurochrome and then we got our butt spanked. Now it's a trip to the emergency room, followed by a 10-day dose of a $49 bottle of antibiotics and then Mom calls the attorney to sue the contractor for leaving a horribly vicious pile of gravel where it was such a threat.

We didn't act up at the neighbor's house either because if we did, we got our butt spanked (physical abuse) ... and then we got our butt spanked again when we got home.

Mom invited the door-to-door salesman inside for coffee, kids choked down the dust from the gravel driveway while playing with Tonka trucks (remember why Tonka trucks were made tough... it wasn't so that they could take the rough berber in the family room), and Dad drove a car with leaded gas.

Our music had to be left inside when we went out to play and I am sure that I nearly exhausted my imagination a couple of times when we went on two week vacations. I should probably sue the folks now for the danger they put us in when we all slept in campgrounds in the family tent. Summers were spent behind the push lawnmower and I didn't even know that mowers came with motors until I was 13 and we got one without an automatic blade-stop or an auto-drive. How sick were my parents?

Of course my parents weren't the only psychos. I recall Donny Reynolds from next door coming over and doing his tricks on the front stoop just before he fell off. Little did his Mom know that she could have owned our house. Instead she picked him up and swatted him for being such a goof. It was a neighborhood run amuck.

To top it off, not a single person I knew had ever been told that they were from a dysfunctional family. How could we possibly have known that we needed to get into group therapy and anger management classes? We were obviously so duped by so many societal ills, that we didn't even notice that the entire country wasn't taking Prozac!

How did we survive?


Our National Pride! (Top)

As we all know, the Taliban considers it a sin for a man to see a naked woman who is not his wife.

So, this Valentines Day at 2:00 PM (ET), All American women are asked to walk out of their house completely nude to help weed out any neighborhood terrorists. Circling your block for one hour is recommended for this anti-terrorist effort. All men are to position themselves in lawn chairs in front of their house to prove that they are not Taliban, demonstrating that they think it's okay to see nude women other than their wife and to show support for all American women.

And since the Taliban also does not approve of alcohol, a cold six-pack at your side is further proof of your anti-Taliban sentiment. The American Government appreciates your efforts to root out terrorists and applauds your participation in this anti-terrorist activity.

God bless America!

IT IS YOUR PATRIOTIC DUTY TO PASS THIS ON!


WW III (Top)

President Bush and Colin Powell are sitting in a Texas bar.

A cowboy walks in and asks the barman, "Is that George Bush and Colin Powell sitting over there?"

The Bartender replies, "Yep, that's them."

So the cowboy walks over and says, "Wow, this is a real honor. What are you guys doing in here?"

Bush says, "We're planning World War III."

And the cowboy asks, "Really? What's going to happen?"

Bush says, "Well, we're going to kill 140 million Iraqis and one blonde with big breasts."

The cowboy exclaimed, "A blonde with big breasts! Why kill a blonde with big breasts?"

Bush turns to Powell, punches him on the shoulder and says, "See, Smarty! I told you no one would worry about 140 million Iraqis!"


First Anatomy Class (Top)

First-year students at the University of Kansas Medical School were receiving their first anatomy class with a real dead human body. They all gathered around the surgery table with the body covered with a white sheet.

The professor started the class by telling them, "In medicine, it is necessary to have two important qualities as a doctor: the first is that you not be disgusted by anything involving the human body." For an example the professor pulled back the sheet, stuck his finger in the butt of the corpse, withdrew it and stuck it in his mouth.

"Go ahead and do the same thing," he told his students. The students freaked out, hesitated for several minutes, but eventually took turns sticking a finger in the butt of the dead body and sucking on it.

When everyone finished, the professor looked at them and told them, "The second most important quality is observation. I stuck in my middle finger and sucked on my Index finger. "Now learn to pay attention."


First Mass (Top)

A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak. After mass he asked the monsignor how he had done.

The monsignor replied, "When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervous, I take a sip."

So next Sunday he took the monsignor's advice. At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink. He proceeded to talk up a storm.

Upon his return to his office after mass, he found the following note on the door:
1. Sip the Vodka, don't gulp.
2. There are 10 commandments, not 12.
3. There are 12 disciples, not 10.
4. Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.
5. Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass.
6. We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J. C.
7. The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior and the Spook.
8. David slew Goliath, he did not kick the shit out of him.
9. When David was hit by a rock and was knocked off his donkey,don't say he was stoned off his ass.
10. We do not refer to the cross as the "Big T."
11. When Jesus broke the bread at the Last Supper he said, "Take this and eat it for it is my body." He did not say "Eat me"
12. The Virgin Mary is not called "Mary with the Cherry,"
13. The recommended grace before a meal is not: Rub-A-Dub-Dub thanks for the grub, yeah, God.


The Hubby (Top)

A mild-mannered man was tired of being bossed around by his wife; so he went to a psychiatrist. The psychiatrist said he needed to build his self-esteem, and so gave him a book on assertiveness, which he read on the way home. He had finished the book by the time he reached his house.

The man stormed into the house and walked up to his wife. Pointing a finger in her face, he said, "From now on, I want you to know that I am the man of this house, and my word is law! I want you to prepare me a gourmet meal tonight, and when I'm finished eating my meal, expect a sumptuous dessert afterward. Then, after dinner, you're going to draw me my bath so I can relax. And when I'm finished with my bath, guess who's going to dress me and comb my hair?"

"The funeral director," said his wife.


Diesel Fitter (Top)

Sven and Ole worked together and both were laid off, so they went to the unemployment office. When asked his occupation, Ole answered, "Panty Stitcher". "I sew the elastic onto lady's cotton panties."

The clerk looked up panty stitcher. Finding it classified as unskilled labor, she gave him $300 a week unemployment pay.

Sven was asked his occupation. "Diesel fitter," he replied. Since diesel fitter was a skilled job, the clerk gave Sven $600 a week.

When Ole found out he was furious. He stormed back into the office to find out why his friend and co-worker was collecting double his pay.

The Clerk explained "Panty stitchers are unskilled and diesel fitters are skilled labor."

"What skill?" yelled Ole. "I sew the elastic on the panties, Sven puts them over his head and says: "Yah, diesel fitter."


Long Live the Queen (Top)

At Heathrow Airport, a 300-foot long red carpet stretches out to Air Force One and Mr. Bush strides to a warm but dignified hand shake from Queen Elizabeth II. They ride in a silver 1934 Bentley limousine to the edge of central London where they then board an open 17th century coach pulled by six magnificent white matching horses. They ride toward Buckingham Palace, each looking sideways and waving to the thousands of cheering Britons. So far everything is going well. Suddenly the right rear horse lets fly with the most horrendous, earth-rending, eye-smarting blast of flatulence ever heard in the British Empire and so powerful that it shakes the coach.

Uncomfortable, but under control, the two Dignitaries of State do their best to ignore the incident. But, embarrassed, the Queen decides it's impossible to ignore it. "Mr. President, please accept my regrets. I'm sure you understand that there are some things not even a Queen can control."

Ever the Texas gentleman, the President replies, "Your Majesty, please don't give the matter another thought. You know, if you hadn't said something, I would have thought it was one of the horses!"


Cough Cure (Top)

The owner of a drug store walks in to find a guy leaning heavily against a wall.

The owner asks the clerk, "What's with that guy over there by the wall?"

The clerk replies, "Well, he came in here this morning to get something for his cough.

I couldn't find the cough syrup, so I gave him an entire bottle of laxative."

The owner screams, "You idiot! You can't treat a cough with a bottle of laxatives!"

The clerk calmly replies, "Of course you can! Look at him; he's afraid to cough!"


I Would Like To Hear Them Say (Top)

The same question was posed to three religious leaders:
When you are in your casket, and friends, family, and congregates are mourning over you, what would you like to hear them say?

The Episcopal Priest said: "I would like to hear them say that I was a wonderful husband, a fine spiritual leader, and a great family man."

The Catholic Priest said: "I would like to hear that I was a wonderful teacher and a servant of God who made a huge difference in people's lives."

The Rabbi said: "I would like to hear them say, 'Look, he's moving.'"


The Ventriloquist And His Dog (Top)

A ventriloquist goes into a tavern in a small town, takes a seat at the bar, and puts a small dog on the seat next to him.

"Give me a beer," the man says to the bartender. Then he turns to his dog and asks, "What would you like?"

"You can bring me the same," the dog says. "And I'd like mine very cold, please."

The bartender can hardly believe what he has just heard. "A talking dog?" he asks.

"Yes," the ventriloquist says, acting as if it's nothing special. "I worked hard to teach him and finally he just started talking."

"What a boon that would be to my business," the bartender thinks to himself. He says to the ventriloquist, "I'll give you $50 for him."

"No," says the ventriloquist. "The little fellow loves me very much, and it would hurt him if I were to sell him."

"I'll give you $100," the bartender says.

"No, I couldn't part with him for so little."

"OK, I'll make it $5,000," the bartender says.

The ventriloquist gives it some thought and finally says, "OK, he's yours."

The bartender gets the money from his safe and hands it to the ventriloquist. In the door, the ventriloquist turns to the dog and says with great sadness in his voice, "So long, old friend."

"Old friend, my foot!" the dog says. "Is this the way humans pay for love and fidelity? I'll never say another word!"

With that, the ventriloquist goes to his car and speeds off.


Addicted to WHAT?!? (Top)

Ed finally decides to take a vacation. He books himself on a Caribbean cruise and proceeds to have the time of his life --until the boat sank. He found himself swept up on the shore of an island with no other people, no supplies...nothing... only bananas and coconuts.

After about four months, he is lying on the beach one day when the most gorgeous woman he has ever seen rows up to him. In disbelief, he asks her, "Where did you come from? How did you get here?"

"I rowed from the other side of the island," she says. "I landed here when my cruise ship sank."

"Amazing,' he says. "You were really lucky to have a rowboat wash up with you."

"Oh, this?' replies the woman. "I made the rowboat out of raw material I found on the island. The oars were whittled from gum tree branches. I wove the bottom from palm branches. And the sides and stern came from a Eucalyptus tree."

"But, but, that's impossible,' stutters Ed. "You had no tools or hardware. How did you manage?"

"Oh, that was no problem," replies the woman. "On the south side of the island, there is a very unusual strata of alluvial rock exposed. I found if I fired it to a certain temperature in my kiln, it melted into forgeable ductile iron. I used that for tools and used the tools to make the hardware." Ed is stunned.

"Let's row over to my place," she says.

After a few minutes of rowing, she docks the boat at a small wharf. As Ed looks onto shore, he nearly falls out of the boat. Before him is a stone walk leading to an exquisite bungalow painted in blue and white. While the woman ties up the rowboat with an expertly woven hemp rope, he could only stare ahead, dumbstruck. As they walk into the house, she says casually, "It's not much, but I call it home. Sit down please. Would you like to have a drink?"

"No, no, thank you.' he says, still dazed. "Can't take any more coconut juice."

"It's not coconut juice," the woman replies. "How about a Pina Colada?"

Trying to hide his continued amazement, he accepts, and they sit down on her couch to talk. After they have exchanged their stories, the woman announces, "I'm going to slip into something more comfortable. Would you like to take a shower and shave? There is a razor upstairs in the cabinet in the bathroom."

No longer questioning anything, Ed goes into the bathroom. There, in the cabinet, is a razor made from a bone handle. Two shells honed to a hollow ground edge are fastened on to its end inside of a swivel mechanism. "Wow! This woman is amazing!" he muses, "What next?"

When he returns, she greets him wearing nothing but vines - strategically positioned - and smelling faintly of gardenias. She beckons for him to sit down next to her. "Tell me," she begins suggestively, slithering closer to him, "We've been out here for a really long time. You've been lonely. There's something I'm sure you really feel like doing right now, something you've been longing for all these months. You know..." She stares into his eyes.

He can't believe what he's hearing: "You mean---", he swallows excitedly, "I can check my email?!"


Black and White Poem (Top)

You could hardly see for all the snow,
Spread the rabbit ears as far as they go;
Pull a chair up to the TV set,
"Good Night, David. Good Night, Chet."

Depending on the channel you tuned,
You got Rob and Laura - or Ward and June;
It felt so good. It felt so right,
Life looked better in black and white.

I Love Lucy, The Real McCoys,
Dennis the Menace, the Cleaver boys;
Rawhide, Gunsmoke, Wagon Train,
Superman, Jimmy and Lois Lane.

Father Knows Best, Patty Duke,
Rin Tin Tin and Lassie too;
Donna Reed on Thursday night! --
Life looked better in black and white.

I wanna go back to black and white,
Everything always turned out right;
Simple people, simple lives...
Good guys always won the fights.

Now nothing is the way it seems,
In living color on the TV screen;
Too many murders, too many fights,
I wanna go back to black and white.

In God they trusted; alone in bed they slept,
A promise made was a promise kept;
They never cussed or broke their vows,
They'd never make the network now.

But if I could, I'd rather be,
In a TV town in '53;
It felt so good. It felt so right,
Life looked better in black and white.

I'd trade all the channels on the satellite,
If I could just turn back the clock tonight;
To when everybody knew wrong from right,
Life was better in black and white!

Life's most simple pleasures are very often the very best!


The Blonde Joke To End All Blonde Jokes (Top)

There was a blonde woman who was having financial troubles so she decided to kidnap a child and demand a ransom. She went to a local park, grabbed a little boy, took him behind a tree and wrote this note. I have kidnapped your child. Leave $10,000 in a plain brown bag behind the big oak tree in the park tomorrow at 7 A.M. Signed, The Blonde" She pinned the note inside the little boy's jacket and told him to go straight home.

The next morning, she returned to the park to find the $10,000 in a brown bag, behind the big oak tree, just as she had instructed.Inside the bag was the following note... "Here is your money. I cannot believe that one blonde would do this to another."


The Accident (Top)

A man is struck by a bus on a busy street. He is lying near death on the sidewalk as a crowd gathers. "A preacher. Somebody get me a preacher!" the man gasps.

Minutes drag on and no one steps out of the crowd.

A policeman checks the crowd and finally yells, "A PREACHER, PLEASE! Isn't there a preacher in this crowd to give this man his last rites?"

Finally, out of the crowd steps a little old Jewish man of at least 80 years of age. "Mr. Policeman," says the man, "I'm not a preacher. I'm not even a Christian. But for 50 years now I'm living behind the Catholic church on First Avenue, and every night I'm overhearing their services. I can recall a lot of it, and maybe I can be of some comfort to this poor man."

The policeman agrees, and clears the crowd so the man can get through to where the injured man lay. The old Jewish man kneels down, leans over the prostrate man and says in a solemn voice

"B-4. I-19. N-38. G-54. O-72 . . ."


Anywhere Exercises (Top)

If you get this instruction from your doctor to "Get in Shape", here's one way to handle it. The doctor told me "Physical exercise is good for you." I know that I should do it, but my body is out of shape, so I have worked out this easy daily program I can do anywhere:

Monday:
Beat around the bush.
Jump to conclusions.
Climb the walls.
Wade through paperwork.

Tuesday:
Drag my heels.
Push my luck.
Make mountains out of mole hills.
Hit the nail on the head.

Wednesday:
Bend over backwards.
Jump on the band wagon.
Balance the books.
Run around in circles.

Thursday:
Toot my own horn.
Climb the ladder of success.
Pull out the stops.
Add fuel to the fire.

Friday:
Open a can of worms.
Put my foot in my mouth.
Start the ball rolling.
Go over the edge.

Saturday:
Pick up the pieces.
Whew!
What a workout!

Sunday:
The Lord's Day!
You are invited to use my program without charge!!


Why English is So Difficult (Top)

And they wonder why people make mistooks......

We'll begin with a box, and the plural is boxes;
   but the plural of ox became oxen not oxes.
One fowl is goose, but two are called geese,
   yet the plural of moose should never be meese.
You may find a lone mouse or a nest full of mice;
    yet the plural of house is houses, not hice.
If the plural of man is always called men,
    why shouldn't the plural of pan be called pen?
If I spoke of my foot and show you my feet,
    and I give you a boot, would a pair be called beet?
If one is a tooth and a whole set are teeth,
    why shouldn't the plural of booth be called beeth?
Then one may be that, and three would be those,
   yet hat in the plural would never be hose,
   and the plural of cat is cats, not cose.
We speak of a brother and also of brethren,
   but though we say mother, we never say methren.
Then the masculine pronouns are he, his and him,
    but imagine the feminine, she, shis and shim.

Some reasons to be grateful if you grew up speaking English:
1. The bandage was wound around the wound.
2. The farm was used to produce produce.
3. The dump was so full that it had to refuse more refuse.
4. We must polish the Polish furniture.
5. He could lead if he would get the lead out.
6. The soldier decided to desert his dessert in the desert.
7. Since there is no time like the present, he thought it was time to present the present.
8. At the Army base, a bass was painted on the head of a bass drum.
9. When shot at, the dove dove into the bushes.
10. I did not object to the object.
11. The insurance was invalid for the invalid.
12. There was a row among the oarsmen about how to row.
13. They were too close to the door to close it.
14. The buck does funny things when the does are present.
15. A seamstress and a sewer fell down into a sewer line.
16. To help with planting, the farmer taught his sow to sow.
17. The wind was too strong to wind the sail.
18. After a number of Novocain injections, my jaw got number.
19. Upon seeing the tear in the painting I shed a tear.
20. I had to subject the subject to a series of tests.
21. How can I intimate this to my most intimate friend?
22. I spent last evening evening out a pile of dirt.

Screwy pronunciations can mess up your mind!
For example, if you have a rough cough, climbing can be tough when the going through the bough on a tree!

Let's face it........English is a crazy language. There is no egg in eggplant, nor ham in hamburger; neither apple nor pine in pineapple.

English muffins weren't invented in England or French fries in France.

Sweetmeats are candies while sweetbreads, which aren't sweet, are meat.

We take English for granted. But if we explore its paradoxes, we find that quicksand can work slowly, boxing rings are square and a guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig.

And why is it that writers write but fingers don't fing, grocers don't groce and hammers don't ham?

Doesn't it seem crazy that you can make amends but not one amend?

If you have a bunch of odds and ends and get rid of all but one of them, what do you call it?

If teachers taught, why didn't preachers praught?

If a vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a Humanitarian eat?

Sometimes I think all the folks who grew up speaking English should be committed to an asylum for the verbally insane.

In what language do people recite at a play and play at a recital?

Ship by truck and send cargo by ship?

Have noses that run and feet that smell?

How can a slim chance and a fat chance be the same, while a wise man and a wise guy are opposites?

You have to marvel at the unique lunacy of a language in which your house can burn up as it burns down, in which you fill in a form by filling it out, and in which an alarm goes off by going on.

English was invented by people, across the ages, and it reflects the creativity of the human race (which of course, isn't a race at all).

That is why, when the stars are out, they are visible, but when the lights are out, they are invisible.


Spare Me (Top)

A good pun is it's own reword.
A man's home is his castle, in a manor of speaking.
Dijon vu--the same mustard as before.
Shotgun wedding--a case of wife or death.
A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
Sea Captains don't like crew cuts.
Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?.
Reading while sunbathing makes you well red.
When two egotist's meet, it's an I for an I.
A bicycle can't stand on it's own because it's two tired
What's the definition of a will? C'mon, it's a dead giveaway.
Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
A backwards poet writes in verse.
In Democracy your vote counts. In feudalism your count votes.
A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.
If you don't pay your exorcist, you get repossessed.
With her marriage, she got a new name and a dress.
Show me a piano falling down a mine shaft, and I'll show you a flat minor.
When a clock is hungry, it goes back four seconds.
The man who fell into an upholstery machine, is fully recovered.
A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France, would result in Linoleum Bonapart.
You feel stuck with your debt, if you can't budge it.
Local Area Network in Australia. The LAN down under.
He often broke into song, because he couldn't find his key.
Every calendar's days are numbered.
A lot of money is tainted. It taint yours, and it taint mine.
A boiled egg in the morning, is hard to beat.
He had a photographic memory, that was never developed. A plateau is a high form of flattery.
The short fortune teller who escaped from prison, was a small medium at large.
Once you've seen one shopping center, you've seen a mall.
Those who jump off a Paris bridge, are in Seine.
When an actress saw her first strands of gray hair, she thought she'd dye.
Bakers trade bread recipes, on a knead to know basis.
Santa's helpers are subordinate clauses.
Acupuncture is a jab well done.
Marathon runners with bad footwear, suffer the agony of defeat.
The poor guy fell into a glass grinding machine, and made a spectacle of himself.


Rednecks at Work (Top)

A guy stopped at a local gas station and, after filling his tank, he paid the bill and bought a soft drink. He stood by his car to drink his cola and watched a couple of men working along the roadside.

One man would dig a hole two or three feet deep and then move on. The other man came along behind him and filled in the hole. While one was digging a new hole, the other was 25 feet behind filling in the hole.

The men worked right past the guy with the soft drink and went on down the road. "I can't stand this," said the man tossing the can into a trash container and heading down the road toward the men.

"Hold it, hold it," he said to the men. "Can you tell me what's going on here with all this digging and refilling?"

"Well, we work for the government and we're just doing our job," one of the men said.

"But one of you is digging a hole and the other fills it up. You're not accomplishing anything. Aren't you wasting the taxpayers' money?"

"You don't understand, mister," one of the men said, leaning on his shovel and wiping his brow. Normally there's three of us: me, Elmer and Leroy. I dig the hole, Elmer sticks in the tree, and Leroy here puts the dirt back. Elmer's job's been cut ...

. . . so now it's just me an' Leroy"


Airport Security (Top)

Almost 150 years ago, President Lincoln found it necessary to hire a private investigator - Alan Pinkerton - for protection.

And that was the beginning of the Secret Service. Since that time, federal police authority has grown to a large Number of multi-letter agencies - FBI, CIA, INS, IRS, DEA, BATF, FEMA, etc.

Now we have the "Federal Air Transportation Airport Security Service." Can't you see them now, these highly trained men and women in their black outfits with their initials in large white letters across their backs: FATASS.

I feel safer already.


What My Mother Taught Me (Top)

1. My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE. "If you're going to kill each other, do it outside. I just finished cleaning."

2. My mother taught me RELIGION. "You better pray that will come out of the carpet."

3. My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL. "If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you into the middle of next week!"

4. My mother taught me LOGIC. "Because I said so, that's why."

5. My mother taught me MORE LOGIC. "If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, you're not going to the store with me."

6. My mother taught me FORESIGHT. "Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you're in an accident."

7. My mother taught me IRONY. "Keep crying, and I'll give you something to cry about."

8. My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS. "Shut your mouth and eat your supper."

9. My mother taught me about CONTORTIONISM. "Will you look at that dirt on the back of your neck!"

10. My mother taught me about STAMINA. "You'll sit there until all that spinach is gone."

11. My mother taught me about WEATHER. "This room of yours looks as if a tornado went through it."

12. My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY. "If I told you once, I've told you a million times. Don't exaggerate!"

13. My mother taught me the CIRCLE OF LIFE. "I brought you into this world, and I can take you out."

14. My mother taught me about BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION. "Stop acting like your father!"

15. My mother taught me about ENVY. "There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don't have wonderful parents like you do."

16. My mother taught me about ANTICIPATION. "Just wait until we get home."

17. My mother taught me about RECEIVING. "You are going to get it when you get home!"

18. My mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE. "If you don't stop crossing your eyes, They are going to freeze that way."

19. My mother taught me ESP. "Put your sweater on; don't you think I know when you are cold?"

20. My mother taught me HUMOR. "When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don't come running to me."

21. My mother taught me HOW TO BECOME AN ADULT. "If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up."

22. My mother taught me GENETICS. "You're just like your father."

23. My mother taught me about my ROOTS. "Shut that door behind you. Do you think you were born in a barn?"

24. My mother taught me WISDOM. "When you get to be my age, you'll understand."

25. And my favorite: my mother taught me about JUSTICE. "One day you'll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you!"


Huh? Oh, I See Now (Top)

A young redhead goes into the doctor's office and says that her body hurts wherever she touches it.

"Impossible" says the doctor. "Show me!"

She takes her finger and pushes her elbow and screams in agony. She pushes her knee and screams, she pushes her ankle and screams. Everywhere she touches makes her scream.

The doctor asks, "You're not really a redhead, are you?"

"No", she says, "I'm actually a blonde."

"I thought so," the doctor says. "Your finger is broken."


Once upon a time (Top)

Kentucky hillbilly, Herman James was drafted into the Army and on the first day as an enlisted man he was given a comb. The following day the Army barber sheared all of his hair off.

On the third day the Army gave him a tooth brush. On the next day the Army dentist yanked several of his teeth out.

On the fifth day he was given a jock strap... that afternoon Herman went AWOL .


Redneck Engineering Exam (Top)

1. Calculate the smallest limb diameter on a persimmon tree that will support a 10-pound possum.

2. Which of the following cars will rust out the quickest when placed on blocks in your front yard? 66 Ford Fairlane, 69 Chevrolet Chevelle, 64 Pontiac GTO.

3. If your uncle builds a still that operates at a capacity of 20 gallons of shine per hour, how many car radiators are necessary to condense the product?

4. A woodcutter has a chain saw that operates at 2700 rpm. The density of the pine trees in a plot to be harvested is 470 per acre. The plot is 2.3 acres in size. The average tree diameter is 14 inches. How many Budweisers will it take to cut the trees?

5. If every old refrigerator in the state vented a charge of R-12 simultaneously, what would be the decrease in the ozone layer?

6. A front porch is constructed of 2x8 pine on 24-inch centers with a field rock foundation. The span is 8 feet and the porch length is 16 feet. The porch floor is 1-inch rough sawn pine. When the porch collapses, how many hound dogs will be killed?

7. A man owns a Tennessee house and 3.7 acres of land in a hollow with an average slope of 15%. The man has 5 children. Can each of the children place a mobile home on the man's land?

8. A 2-ton truck is overloaded and proceeding 900 yards down a steep grade on a secondary road at 45 mph. The brakes fail. Given the average traffic on secondary roads, what are the chances that it will strike a vehicle that has a muffler?

9. A coalmine operates a NFPA Class 1, Division 2 Hazardous Area. The mine employs 120 miners per shift. A gas warning is issued at the beginning of 3rd shift. How many cartons of unfiltered Camels will be smoked during the shift?

10. At a reduction in gene pool variability rate of 7.5% per generation, how long will it take a town that has been bypassed by the interstate to breed a country-western singer?

11. If you have 3 grams of salt and a 5 gram slug, what is the rate of shrivel?


Spare Me #2 (Top)

Once there was a mad scientist who worked by himself in his laboratory. He was so lonely that one day, he decided to clone himself. Everything worked perfectly, except that the clone had a very foul mouth. The scientist worked with the clone, but alas, he could not make the clone clean up his language.

He got so tired of the clone's language that one day he pushed him off a cliff.

A policeman rushed up to him, and yelled, "You are under arrest! You are under arrest!"

"What for?" the mad scientist asked.

And the policeman's answer was:


are you ready for the answer?











keep scrolling











For making an obscene clone fall.
((((((Arghhhhhhhhh)))))))


The Phone Call (Top)

Hello God, I called tonight
To talk a little while
I need a friend who'll listen
To my anxiety and trial.

You see, I can't quite make it
Through a day just on my own...
I need your love to guide me,
So I'll never feel alone.

I want to ask you please to keep,
My family safe and sound.
Come and fill their lives with confidence
For whatever fate they're bound.

Give me faith, dear God, to face
Each hour throughout the day,
And not to worry over things
I can't change in any way.

I thank you God, for being home
And listening to my call,
For giving me such good advice
When I stumble and fall.

Your number, God, is the only one
That answers every time.
I never get a busy signal,
Never had to pay a dime.

So thank you, God, for listening
To my troubles and my sorrow.
Good night, God, I love You, too,
And I'll call again tomorrow!


Keep Your Fork (Top)

There was a young woman who had been diagnosed with a terminal illness and had been given three months to live. So as she was getting her things "in order," she contacted her pastor and had him come to her house to discuss certain aspects of her final wishes. She told him which songs she wanted sung at the service, what scriptures she would like read, and what outfit she wanted to be buried in.

Everything was in order and the pastor was preparing to leave when the young woman suddenly remembered something very important to her. "There's one more thing," she said excitedly.

"What's that?" came the pastor's reply.

"This is very important," the young woman continued. "I want to be buried with a fork in my right hand."

The pastor stood looking at the young woman, not knowing quite what to say. "That surprises you, doesn't it?" the young woman asked.

"Well, to be honest, I'm puzzled by the request," said the pastor.

The young woman explained. "My grandmother once told me this story, and from there on out, I have always done so. I have also, always tried to pass along its message to those I love and those who are in need of encouragement.

In all my years of attending socials and dinners, I always remember that when the dishes of the main course were being cleared, someone would inevitably lean over and say, 'Keep your fork.' It was my favorite part because I knew that something better was coming... like velvety chocolate cake or deep-dish apple pie. Something wonderful, and with substance!

So, I just want people to see me there in that casket with a fork in my hand and I want them to wonder 'What's with the fork?' Then I want you to tell them: "Keep your fork ... the best is yet to come."

The pastor's eyes welled up with tears of joy as he hugged the young woman good-bye. He knew this would be one of the last times he would see her before her death. But he also knew that the young woman had a better grasp of heaven than he did.

She had a better grasp of what heaven would be like than many people twice her age, with twice as much experience and knowledge.

She KNEW that something better was coming.

At the funeral people were walking by the young woman's casket and they saw the dress she was wearing and the fork placed in her right hand. Over and over, the pastor heard the question "What's with the fork?" And over and over he smiled.

During his message, the pastor told the people of the conversation he had with the young woman shortly before she died. He also told them about the fork and about what it symbolized to her. The pastor told the people how he could not stop thinking about the fork and told them that they probably would not be able to stop thinking about it either.

He was right. So the next time you reach down for your fork, let it remind you ever so gently, that the best is yet to come. Friends are a very rare jewel, indeed. They make you smile and encourage you to succeed. They lend an ear, they share a word of praise, and they always want to open their hearts to us. Show your friends how much you care. Remember to always be there for them, even when you need them more. For you never know when it may be their time to "Keep your fork."

Cherish the time you have, and the memories you share ... being friends with someone is not an opportunity but a sweet responsibility.

Life is too short, live every day as though it were your last.


The Lost Chapter of Genesis (Top)

Adam was hanging around the garden of Eden feeling very lonely. So, God asked him, "What's wrong with you?"

Adam said he didn't have anyone to talk to. God said that He was going to make Adam a companion and that it would be a woman. He said, "This pretty lady will gather food for you, she will cook for you, and when you discover clothing, she will wash it for you. She will always agree with every decision you make and she will not nag you, and will always be the first to admit she was wrong when you've had a disagreement. She will praise you! She will bear your children and never ask you to get up in the middle of the night to take care of them.

"She will NEVER have a headache and will freely give you love and passion whenever you need it."

Adam asked God, "What will a woman like this cost?"

God replied, "An arm and a leg."

Then Adam asked, "What can I get for a rib?"

Of course, the rest is history......................


Two Smart Society Ladies And Their Dogs (Top)

Two society ladies were walking their dogs down Michigan Ave. in Chicago, dressed to the nines. As they sauntered down the street, the one with the Doberman said to her friend, "Let's go over to that bar and get something to drink."

The one with the Chihuahua said, "We can't go in there. We've got dogs with us."

The one with the Doberman said, "Just follow my lead."

They walked over to the bar and the one with the Doberman put on a pair of dark glasses and started to walk in. The bouncer at the door said, "Sorry, Lady, no pets allowed."

The woman with the Doberman said, "You don't understand. This is my Seeing-Eye dog."

The bouncer said, "A Doberman pincher?"

The woman said, "Yes, they're using them now. They're very good."

The bouncer said, "OK, come on in."

The lady with the Chihuahua figured 'what the heck', so she put on a pair of dark glasses and started to walk in.

Once again the bouncer said, "Sorry, lady, no pets allowed.

"The one with the Chihuahua said, "You don't understand. This is my Seeing-Eye dog."

The bouncer said, "A Chihuahua?"

The woman with the Chihuahua paused, then said, "A Chihuahua? They gave me a dang Chihuahua?"


Smart Alecks and Philosophers (Top)

Overheard in Church: "Is that seat saved?" "No but we are praying for it every day."

We have enough youth . . . how about a fountain of smart?

Eat well, stay fit . . . die anyway.

Seen on a tow truck: We don't cost an arm or a leg. We just want your tows.

When everything's coming your way, you're obviously in the wrong lane.

There are two kinds of pedestrians . . . the quick and the dead.

Life isn't Burger King . . . you can't always have it your way.


Everything is Big in Texas (Top)

There once was a blind man who decided to visit Texas. When he arrived on the plane, he felt the seats and said, "Wow, these seats are big!"

The person next to him answered, "Everything is big in Texas."

"When he finally arrived in Texas, he decided to visit a bar. Upon arriving in the bar, he ordered a beer and got a mug placed between his hands. He exclaimed, "Wow these mugs are big!"

The bartender replied, "Everything is big in Texas."

After a couple of beers, the blind man asked the bartender where the bathroom was located.

The bartender replied, "Second door to the right."

The blind man headed for the bathroom, but accidentally tripped and skipped the second door. instead, he entered the 3rd door, which lead to the swimming pool and fell into the pool by accident.

Scared to death, the blind man started shouting,

"DON'T FLUSH, DON'T FLUSH!"


Medical Advances (Top)

An Israeli doctor says "Medicine in my country is so advanced that we can take a kidney out of one man, put it in another, and have him looking for work in six weeks."

A German doctor says "That is nothing, we can take a lung out of one person, put it in another, and have him looking for work in four weeks."

A Russian doctor says "In my country, medicine is so advanced that we can take half a heart out of one person, put it in another, and have them both looking for work in two weeks."

The Arkansas doctor, not to be outdone, says "You guys are way behind. We recently took a man with no brain out of Arkansas, put him in the White House for eight years, and now half the country is looking for work."


All About Fitness (Top)

It is well documented that for every minute that you exercise, you add one minute to your life. This enables you at 85 years old to spend an additional 5 months in a nursing home at $5000 per month.

My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was 60. Now she's 97 years old and we don't know where the hell she is.

The only reason I would take up exercising is so that I could hear heavy breathing again.

I joined a health club last year, spent about 400 bucks. Haven't lost a pound. Apparently you have to go there.

I have to exercise early in the morning before my brain figures out what I'm doing.

I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.

I have flabby thighs, but fortunately my stomach covers them.

The advantage of exercising every day is that you die healthier.

If you are going to try cross-country skiing, start with a small country.

And last but not least: I don't exercise because it makes the ice jump right out of my glass.

You could run this over to your friends but why not just e-mail it to them!


Jim and Mary (Top)

Jim and Mary were both patients in a Mental Hospital. One day, while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Jim suddenly jumped into the deep end. He sank like a stone to the bottom and stayed there. Mary promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled Jim out.

When the medical director became aware of Mary's heroic act, he immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital, as he now considered her to be mentally stable.

When he went to tell her the news, he said, "Mary, I have good news & bad news. The good news is you're being discharged because since you were able to jump in and save the life of another patient, I think you've regained your senses".

"The bad news is that Jim, the patient you saved, hung himself in the bathroom with the belt of his robe. I am so sorry, but he's dead."

Mary replied, "He didn't hang himself, I put him there to dry".


Thoughts on Religion (Top)

One Sunday morning during service, a 2,000 member congregation was surprised to see two men enter, both covered from head to toe in black and carrying submachine guns. One of the men proclaimed, "Anyone willing to take a bullet for Christ remain where you are."

Immediately, the choir fled,the deacons fled, and most of the congregation fled. Out of the 2,000 there only remained around 20. The man who had spoken took off his hood, looked at the preacher and said, "Okay Pastor, I got rid of all the hypocrites. Now you may begin your service. Have a nice day!" And the two men turned and walked out.


Funny (Top)

Funny how simple it is for people to trash God and then wonder why the world is in the condition it is today.

Funny how we believe what the newspapers say, but question what the Bible says.

Funny how everyone wants to go to heaven provided they do not have to believe, think, say, or do anything the Bible says.

Funny or is it scary?

Funny how someone can say "I believe in God" but still follow Satan (who,by the way, also "believes" in God).

Funny how you can send a thousand 'jokes' through e-mail and they spread like wildfire, but when you start sending messages regarding the Lord, people think twice about sharing.

Funny how the lewd, crude, vulgar and obscene pass freely through cyberspace but the public discussion of Jesus is suppressed in the school and work place.

Funny, isn't it? Funny how someone can be so fired up for Christ on Sunday, but be an invisible Christian the rest of the week.

Funny how when you go to forward this message, you will not send it to many on your address list because you're not sure what they believe, or what they will think of you for sending it to them.

Funny how you can be more worried about what other people think of you than what God thinks of you.


Senior Citizen Conversations (Top)

Three old guys out walking. First one says. "Windy isn't it?"

Second one says, "No its Thursday"!!

Third one says. "So am I. Lets go get a coke".

**************


A man was telling his neighbor, "I just bought a new hearing aid. It cost me four thousand dollars, but it's state of the art. It's perfect."

"Really," answered the neighbor. "What kind is it?"

"Twelve thirty."

**************


Morris, an 82 year-old man went to the doctor to get a physical. A few days later the doctor saw Morris walking down the street with a gorgeous young lady on his arm. A couple of days later the doctor spoke to the man and said, "You're really doing great, aren't you?"

Morris replied, "Just doing what you said, Doctor "Get a hot mamma and be cheerful."

The Doctor said, "I didn't say that." I said, "You got a heart murmur. Be careful."

**************


An elderly gent was invited to his old friend's home for dinner one evening. He was impressed by the way his buddy preceded every request to his wife with endearing terms-- Honey, My Love, Darling, Sweetheart, Pumpkin, etc.

The couple had been married almost 70 years and, clearly, they were still very much in love. While the wife was in the kitchen, the man leaned over and said to his host, "I think it's wonderful that, after all these years you still call your wife those loving pet names."

The old man hung his head. "I have to tell you the truth," he said, "I forgot her name about 10 years ago."


I asked God (Top)

I asked God to take away my habit.
God said, No.
It is not for me to take away, but for you to give it up.

I asked God to make my handicapped child whole.
God said, No.
His spirit is whole, his body is only temporary

I asked God to grant me patience.
God said, No.
Patience is a byproduct of tribulations; it isn't granted, it is learned.

I asked God to give me happiness.
God said, No.
I give you blessings; happiness is up to you.

I asked God to spare me pain.
God said, No.
Suffering draws you apart from worldly cares and brings you closer to me.

I asked God to make my spirit grow.
God said, No.
You must grow on your own, but I will prune you to make you fruitful.

I asked God for all things that I might enjoy life.
God said, No.
I will give you life, so that you may enjoy all things.

I ask God to help me LOVE others, as much as He loves me.
God said...Ahhhh, finally you have the idea.

May God Bless You,
"To the world you might be one person, but to one person you just might be the world"

THIS DAY IS YOURS; DON'T THROW IT AWAY


The Chauffeur (Top)

Billy Graham had just finished a tour of the Florida East Coast and was taking a limousine to the airport. Having never driven a limo, he asked the chauffeur if he could drive for a while.

Well, the chauffeur didn't have much of a choice, so he got in the back of the limo and Billy took the wheel. He turned onto I-95 and accelerated to about 90 MPH. WHAM! The blue lights of the State Highway Patrol flashed in his rearview mirror. He pulled over and a trooper came to his window.

When the trooper saw who it was, he said, "Just a moment, please, I need to call in." The trooper radioed in and asked for the chief. He said, "I have a REALLY important person pulled over and I need to know what to do."

The chief replied, "Who is it, not Ted Kennedy again?"

The trooper said, "No, even more important."

It isn't the Governor Jeb Bush, is it?" asked the chief.

"No, even more important," replied the trooper.

"It isn't the President George Bush, is it?"

"No," replied the trooper, "even more important."

"Well, WHO in the WORLD is it?!" screamed the chief.

The trooper responded: "I don't know for sure but I think it might be Jesus, because his chauffeur is Billy Graham!"


The Mountain Man's Party (Top)

Tom had been in business for 25 years and was finally sick of the stress. So, he quit his job and bought 50 acres of land in Alaska as far from humanity as possible. He saw the postman once a week and he got groceries once a month. Otherwise, it was total peace and quiet.

After six months or so of total isolation, someone knocked on his door. He opened the door and there was a huge, bearded man standing there.

"Name's Lars...you're neighbor from 40 miles up the road. Having a Christmas party Friday night...thought you might like to come... about 5:00 PM."

"Great!" says Tom....."After 6 months out here I'm ready to meet some local folks!. Thank you."

As Lars is leaving, he stops. "Gotta warn you...There's gonna be some drinkin."

"Not a problem", says Tom..."After 25 years in business, I can drink with the best of 'em."

Again, as he starts to leave, Lars stops. "More 'n likely gonna be some fightin' too"

Tom says, "Well, I get along with people. I'll be all right. I'll be there on Friday. Thanks again".

Once again Lars turns from the door. "More 'n likely be some wild sex, too."

"Now, that's really not a problem", says Tom, warming to the idea. "I've been alone for six months! I'll definitely be there. By the way, what should I wear?"

Lars stops in the door again and says, "Whatever you want. Just gonna be the two of us."


Happy Marriage (Top)

The couple were 85 years old, and had been married for sixty years. Though they were far from rich, they managed to get by because they watched their pennies. Though not young, they were both in very good health, largely due to the wife's insistence on healthy foods and exercise for the last decade.

One day, their good health didn't help when they went on a rare vacation and their plane crashed, sending them off to Heaven.

They reached the pearly gates, and St. Peter escorted them inside. He took them to a beautiful mansion, furnished in gold and fine silks, with a fully stocked kitchen and a waterfall in the master bath. And their favorite clothes hanging in the closet. They gasped in astonishment when he said, "Welcome to Heaven. This will be your home now."

The old man asked Peter how much all this was going to cost. "Why, nothing," Peter replied, "remember, this is your reward in Heaven."

The old man looked out the window and right there he saw a championship golf course, finer and more beautiful than any ever-built on Earth.

"What are the greens fees?", grumbled the old man. "This is heaven," St. Peter replied. "You can play for free, every day."

Next they went to the clubhouse and saw the lavish buffet lunch, with every imaginable cuisine laid out before them, from seafood to steaks to exotic deserts, free flowing beverages.

"Don't even ask," said St. Peter to the man. "This is Heaven, it is all free for you to enjoy."

The old man looked around and glanced nervously at his wife. "Well, where are the low fat and low cholesterol foods, and the decaffeinated tea?" he asked.

"That's the best part," St. Peter replied. "You can eat and drink as much as you like of whatever you like, and you will never get fat or sick. This is Heaven!"

The old man pushed, "No gym to work out a?"

"Not unless you want to," was the answer.

"No testing my sugar or blood pressure or..."

"Never again. All you do here is enjoy yourself."

The old man glared at his wife and said, "You and your bran muffins. We could have been here ten years ago!


My Creed (Top)

My Creed To live as gently as I can;
To be, no matter where, a man;
To take what comes of good or ill,
And cling to faith and honor still;
To do my best, and let that stand.


Grandmothers (Top)

(taken from papers written by a class of 8 year olds)

What is a grandmother?

A grandmother is a lady who has no little children of her own. She likes other people's.
A grandfather is a man grandmother.
Grandmothers don't have to do anything except be there when we come to see them.
They are so old they shouldn't play hard or run.
It is good if they drive us to the store and have lots of quarters for us.
When they take us for walks, they slow down past things like pretty leaves and caterpillars.
They show us and talk to us about the color of the flowers and also don't step on "cracks."
They don't say, "Hurry up."
Usually grandmothers are fat, but not too fat to tie your shoes.
They wear glasses and funny underwear.
They can take their teeth and gums out.
Grandmothers don't have to be smart. They have to answer questions like "Why isn't God married?" and "How come dogs chase cats?".
When they read to us, they don't skip. They don't mind if we ask for the same story over again.

Everybody should try to have a grandmother, especially if you don't have television, because they are the only grown ups who like to spend time with us. They know we should have snack- time before bedtime and they say prayers with us every time, and kiss us even when we've acted bad.


The Mod Priest (Top)

An elderly priest, speaking to the younger priest, said, "It was a good idea to replace the first four pews with plush bucket theater seats. It worked like a charm. The front of the church fills first."

The young priest nodded, and the old priest continued, "And you told me a little more beat to the music would bring young people back to church, so I supported you when you brought in that rock 'n roll gospel choir. We are packed to the balcony."

"Thank you, Father," answered the young priest. "I am pleased that you are open to the new ideas of youth."

"Well," said the elderly priest, "I'm afraid you've gone too far with the drive-thru confessional."

"But, Father," protested the young priest, "my confessions have nearly doubled since I began that!"

"I know, son," replied the elderly priest, "but that flashing neon sign, 'Toot 'n Tell or Go to Hell' can't stay on the church roof."


A Mirror Hardly Ever Lies (Top)

After living in the remote wilderness of Kentucky all his life, an old codger decided it was time to visit the big city. In one of the stores he picks up a mirror and looks in it. Not knowing what it was, he remarked, "How about that! Here's a picture of my daddy."

He bought the "picture," but on the way home he remembered his wife, Lizzy, didn't like his father. So he hung it in the barn, and every morning before leaving for the fields, he would go there and look at it.

Lizzy began to get suspicious of these many trips to the barn. One day after her husband left, she searched the barn and found the mirror. As she looked into the glass, she fumed, "So that's the ugly woman he's runnin' around with."


Dear John (Top)

An Army Ranger was deployed to Afghanistan. While he was there he received a letter from his girlfriend. In the letter she explained that she had set up housekeeping with two guys while he had been gone, she wanted to break up, and now she wanted pictures of herself back.

The Ultimate Response to her "Dear John" letter was how the Ranger responded..... The Ranger did what any squared away Ranger would do. He went around to his buddies and collected all the unwanted photos of women he could find. He then mailed about 25 pictures to his girlfriend with the following note:

"I'm sorry I can't remember which one you are, but please take the one that belongs to you and send the rest back. Thank you."


Two Old Men (Top)

Two old men in a retirement village were sitting in the reading room and one said to the other, "How do you really feel? I mean, you're 75 years old, how do you honestly feel?"

"Honestly, I feel like a new born baby. I've got no hair, no teeth, and I just wet myself."


Southern Sayings (Top)

1. "Well, butter my butt and call me a biscuit."

2. "It's been hotter'n Georgia asphalt in August

3. "He fell out of the ugly tree and hit every branch on the way down."

4. "Have a cup of coffee, it's (you would say done been, not already) already been 'saucered and blowed.'"

5. "It's so dry, the trees are bribing the dogs." Or "It's so hot and dry, I saw a dog chasin' a cat and they both were walkin'."

6. "My cow died last night so I don't need your bull."

7. "Don't pee down my back and tell me it's raining."

8. "He's as country as cornflakes."

9. "This is gooder'n grits." 10. "Busier'n a cat covering crap on a marble floor." or "Busier'n a long-tailed cat in a roomful of rockers."

11. "If things get any better, I may have'ta hire someone to help me enjoy it."


Notice To Northerners Moving South:
The following is a pre-approved posting whose purpose is to offer insight and advice to Northerners moving South.

1. Save all manner of bacon grease. You will be instructed on how to use it shortly.

2. Just because you can drive on snow and ice does not mean Southerners can. Stay home the two days of the year it snows.

3. If you do run your car into a ditch, don't panic. Four men in the cab of a four-wheel drive pick-up with a 12-pack of beer and a tow chain will be along shortly. Don't try to help them. Just stay out of their way. This is what they live for.

4. You can ask Southerners for directions, but unless you already know the positions of key hills, trees and rocks, you're better off trying to find it yourself.

5. Remember: "Y'all is singular." "All y'all is plural." All y'all's is plural possessive."

6. Get used to hearing, "You ain't from around here, are you?"

7. Don't be worried that you don't understand anyone. They don't understand you, either.

8. The first Southern expression to creep into a transplanted Northerner's vocabulary is the adjective "big ole," as in "big ole truck," or "big ole boy." "Fixin'" as in "I'm fixin' to go to the store" is 2nd. And "Y'all" is 3rd.

9. As you are cursing the person driving 15 mph in a 55-mph zone, directly in the middle of the road, remember: ALL Southern folks learned to drive on a John Deere, and this is the proper speed and lane position for that vehicle.

10. If you hear a Southerner exclaim, "Hey, y'all, watch this!" Stay out of his way. These are likely the last words he will ever say, or worse still, that you will ever hear.

11. Most Southerners do not use turn signals; they ignore those who do. In fact, if you see a signal blinking on a car with a Southern license plate, you may rest assured that it was already turned on when the car was purchased.

12. If it can't be fried in bacon grease, it ain't worth cooking, let alone eating.

13. If there is the prediction of the slightest chance of ever the most minuscule accumulation of snow, your presence is required at the local grocery store. It does not matter if you need anything from the store. It is just something you're supposed to do.

14. Satellite dishes are very popular in the South. When you purchase one, it is positioned directly in front of the house. This is logical, bearing in mind that the dish cost considerably more than the house, and should, therefore, be prominently displayed.

15. Be advised that in the South, "He needed killin' " is a valid defense..


Hillbilly Medical Terms (Top)

Benign.................What you be after you be eight.
Bacteria...............Back door to cafeteria.
Barium.................What you do with dead folks.
Cesarean Section.......A neighborhood in Rome.
Catscan................Searching for the cat.
Cauterize..............Made eye contact with her.
Colic..................A sheep dog.
Coma...................A punctuation mark.
D&C....................Where Washington is.
Dilate.................To live longer than your kids do.
Enema..................Not a friend.
Fester.................Quicker than someone else.
Fibula.................A small lie.
G.I.Series.............World Series of military baseball.
Hangnail...............What you hang your coat on.
Impotent...............Distinguished, well known.
Labor Pain.............Getting hurt at work.
Morbid.................A higher offer than I bid.
Nitrates...............Cheaper than day rates.
Medical Staff..........A Doctor's cane, sometimes shown with a snake.
Node...................I knew it.
Outpatient.............A person who has fainted.
Pap Smear..............A fatherhood test.
Pelvis.................Second cousin to Elvis.
Post Operative.........A letter carrier.
Recovery Room..........Place to do upholstery.
Secretion..............Hiding something
Tablet.................A small table to change babies on.
Seizure................Roman emperor who lived in the Ceasarean Section.
Terminal Illness.......Getting sick at the train station.
Tumor..................More than one.
Urine..................Opposite of mine.
Varicose...............Near by
Hospital...............The biggest building in town, other than Joe's feed warehouse or Frank's saw mill.


Points to Ponder (Top)

Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, "I think I'll squeeze these dangly things here, and drink whatever comes out?"

Who was the first person to say "See that chicken there....I'm gonna eat the next thing that comes outta it's butt."

Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible crisp which no decent human being would eat?

Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?

If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a song about him?

Can a hearse carrying a corpse drive in the carpool lane?

If the professor on Gilligan's Island can make a radio out of coconut, why can't he fix a hole in a boat?

Why do people point to their wrist when asking for the time, but don't point to their crotch when they ask where the bathroom is?

Why does your OB-GYN leave the room when you get undressed if they are going to look up there anyway?

Why does goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours? They're both dogs! What do you call male ballerinas?

Can blind people see their dreams? Do they dream??

If Wile E. Coyote had enough money to buy all that Acme crap, why didn't he just buy dinner? If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?

If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, then what is baby oil made from?

If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?

Is Disney World the only people trap operated by a mouse?

Why do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the same tune?

Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet Soup?

Why do they call it an asteroid when it's outside the hemisphere, but call it a hemorrhoid when it's in your ass?

Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him on a car ride, he sticks his head out the window?

Does pushing the elevator button more than once make it arrive faster?

           ........ and for the real question ........

Do you ever wonder why you gave me your e-mail address in the first place?


Good Detective (Top)

Three blondes were witnesses to a crime, so they went to the police station to identify the suspect. The police chief said he would show them a mug shot of someone for thirty seconds, then ask each one for a description. After showing the photo to the first blonde, he covered it, then asked her how she would recognize the suspect.

"Easy," she replied. "He only has one eye."

The chief was stunned. "He only has one eye because it is a profile shot! Think about it!" He repeated the procedure for the second blonde and again asked how she would recognize him.

"He only has one ear," was her answer.

"What is the matter with you people?!? It is a profile shot! You are seeing him from the side!" He repeated the procedure for the third blonde, then said, "How would you recognize the suspect? Now think before you give me a stupid answer."

After viewing the photo, she thought for a minute, then said, "He's wearing contact lenses."

This took the chief by surprise. He looked real hard at the picture and couldn't tell if the suspect had contacts or not, so he went into the database and looked at the report. Sure enough, when the mug shot was taken, he was wearing contact lenses!

He went back to her and asked, "How could you tell he was wearing contact lenses? Nobody else here in this precinct saw that!"

"Well," she said, "he can't wear regular glasses with only one eye and one ear, now, can he?"


If They Had a Doting Mother (Top)

MONA LISA'S MOTHER:
"After all that money your father and I spent on braces, that's the biggest smile you can give us?"

COLUMBUS' MOTHER:
"I don't care what you've discovered, you still could have written!"

MICHELANGELO'S MOTHER:
"Can't you paint on walls like other children? Do you have any idea how hard it is to get that stuff off the ceiling?"

NAPOLEON'S MOTHER:
"All right, if you aren't hiding your report card inside your jacket, take your hand out of there and show me."

ABRAHAM LINCOLN'S MOTHER:
"Again with the stovepipe hat? Can't you just wear a baseball cap like the other kids?"

MARY'S MOTHER:
"I'm not upset that your lamb followed you to school, but I would like to know how he got a better grade than you."

ALBERT EINSTEIN'S MOTHER:
"But it's your senior picture. Can't you do something about your hair? Styling gel, mousse, something...?"

GEORGE WASHINGTON'S MOTHER:
"The next time I catch you throwing money across the Potomac, you can kiss your allowance good-bye!"

JONAH'S MOTHER:
"That's a nice story. Now tell me where you've really been for the last forty years."

THOMAS EDISON'S MOTHER:
"Of course I'm proud that you invented the electric light bulb. Now turn it off and get to bed!"

PAUL REVERE'S MOTHER:
"I don't care where you think you have to go, young man, midnight is past your curfew.


Cmabrigde Uinervtisy (Top)

Aoccdrnig to a rscheearch at Cmabrigde Uinervtisy, it deosn't mttaer inwaht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are, the olny iprmoetnt tihng is taht the frist and lsat ltteer be at the rghit pclae.

The rset can be a total mses and you can sitll raed it wouthit porbelm. Tihs is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not raed ervey lteter by istlef, butthe wrod as a wlohe.


God Speaking (Top)

The man whispered, "God, speak to me" And a meadowlark sang.
But the man did not hear.

So the man yelled "God, speak to me" And the thunder & lightning rolled across the sky.
But the man did not listen.

The man looked around and said, "God, let me see you." And a star shone brightly.
But the man did not see.

And, the man shouted, "God, show me a miracle" And a life was born.
But the man did not notice.

So, the man cried out in despair, "Touch me, God, and let me know you are here." Whereupon, God reached down and touched the man.
But the man brushed the butterfly away and walked on.

This is a reminder that God is always around us in the little and simple things that we take for granted, even in our electronic age.


So, here is one more:

The man cried "God, I need your help" . . . and an e-mail arrived reaching out with good news and encouragement. But the man deleted it and continued crying.

The good news is that you are loved. Don't miss out on a blessing because it isn't packaged the way that you expect.

Expect the unexpected .... Have A Happy Day!


Hymn 365 (Top)

A southern Baptist minister was completing a temperance sermon.

With great emphasis he said, "If I had all the beer in the world, I'd take it and pour it into the river."

With even greater emphasis he said, 'And if I had all the wine in the world, I'd take it and pour it into the river."

And then finally, shaking his fist in the air, he said, "And if I had all the whiskey in the world, I'd take it and pour it into the river."

Sermon complete, he then sat down.

The song leader stood very cautiously and announced with a smile,
"For our closing song, let us sing Hymn #365 - - Shall We Gather at the River"


NEVER SAY TO A COP (Top)

1. I can't reach my license unless you hold my beer. (OK in Texas)
2. Sorry, Officer, I didn't realize my radar detector wasn't plugged in.
3. Aren't you the guy from the Village People?
4. Hey, you must've been doin' about 125 mph to keep up with me. Good job!
5. Are You Andy or Barney?
6. I thought you had to be in relatively good physical condition to be a police officer.
7. You're not gonna check the trunk, are you?
8. I pay your salary!
9. Gee, Officer! That's terrific. The last officer only gave me a warning, too!
10. Do you know why you pulled me over? Okay, just so one of us does.
11. I was trying to keep up with traffic. Yes, I know there are no other cars around. That's how far ahead of me they are.
12. When the Officer says, "Gee Son....Your eyes look red, have you been drinking?" you probably shouldn't respond with, "Gee Officer your eyeslook glazed, have you been eating doughnuts?"


The Hicksville Southern Baptist Church (Top)

There was a feud between the Pastor and the Choir Director of The Hicksville Southern Baptist Church. It seems the first hint of trouble came when the Pastor preached on dedicating yourselves to service and the Choir Director chose to sing: "I Shall Not Be Moved"

Trying to believe it was a coincidence, the Pastor put the incident behind him. The next Sunday he preached on giving. Afterwards, the choir squirmed as the director led them in the hymn: "Jesus Paid It All"

By this time, the Pastor was losing his temper. Sunday morning attendance swelled as the tension between the two built. A large crowd showed up the next week to hear his sermon on the sin of gossiping. Would you believe the Choir Director selected: "I Love To Tell The Story"

There was no turning back. The following Sunday the Pastor told the congregation that unless something changed he was considering resignation. The entire church gasped when the Choir Director led them in: "Why Not Tonight."

Truthfully, no one was surprised when the Pastor resigned a week later; explaining that Jesus had led him there and Jesus was leading him away. The Choir Director could not resist: "What A Friend We Have In Jesus."


First Class (Top)

A pompous minister was seated next to a cowboy on a flight to Oklahoma . After the plane was airborne, drink orders were taken. The cowboy asked for a whiskey and water, which was brought and placed before him.

The flight attendant then asked the minister if he would like a drink. He replied in disgust, "I'd rather be savagely raped by a brazen whore than let liquor touch my lips."

The cowboy then handed his drink back to the attendent and said, "Heck, I didn't know we got a choice."


The Lantern (Top)

Deep in the back woods of Louisanna, a redneck's wife went into labor in the middle of the night, and the doctor was called out to assist in the delivery.

Since there was no electricity, the doctor handed the father-to-be a lantern and said, "Here. You hold this high so I can see what I am doing." Soon, a baby boy was brought into the world.

"Whoa there," said the doctor, "Don't be in such a rush to put that lantern down. I think there's another one coming." Sure enough, within minutes he had delivered a baby girl.

"Hold that lantern up, don't set it down, there's another one!" said the doctor. Within a few minutes he had delivered a third baby.

"Don't put down that lantern, it seems there's yet another one coming!" cried the doctor.

The redneck scratched his head in bewilderment and asked the doctor, "You reckon it might be the light that's attractin' 'em?"


Advice from A Retired Husband (Top)

It is important for men to remember that as women grow older it becomes harder for them to maintain the same quality of housekeeping as they did when they were younger. When men notice this, they should try not to criticize.

Let me relate how I handle the situation. When I got laid off from my optical job and took "early retirement" in April, it became necessary for my wife to get a full-time job, both for extra income and for the health benefits that we need. It was shortly after she started working that I noticed that she was beginning to show her age.

I usually get home from fishing or hunting about the same time she gets home from work. Although she knows how hungry I am, she almost always says that she has to rest for half an hour or so before she starts supper. I try not to complain, instead I tell her to take her time and just wake me when she finally does get supper on the table.

She used to do the dishes as soon as we finished eating. It is now not unusual for them to sit on the table for several hours after supper. I do what I can by reminding her several times each evening that they aren't cleaning themselves. I know she appreciates this advice, as it does seem to help her get them done before she goes to bed.

Now that she is older she seems to get tired so much more quickly. Our washer and dryer are in the basement. Sometimes she says she just can't make another trip down those steps. I don't make a big issue of this. As long as she finishes up the laundry by the next evening I am willing to overlook it.

Not only that but unless I need something ironed to wear to the Monday lodge meeting or to Wednesday's or Saturday's poker club or to Tuesday's or Thursday's bowling or something like that, I will tell her to wait until the next evening to do the ironing. This gives her a little more time to do some of those odds and ends things like shampooing the dog, vacuuming or dusting. Also, if I have a really good day of fishing, this allows her to gut and scale the fish at a more leisurely pace.

She is starting to complain a little occasionally. For example, she will say that it is difficult for her to find time to pay the monthly bills during her lunch break. In spite of her complaining, I continue to try to offer encouragement. I tell her to stretch it out over two or even three days. That way she won't have to rush so much. I also remind her that missing lunch completely now and then wouldn't hurt her any, if you know what I mean.

When doing simple jobs she seems to think she needs more rest periods. She had to take a break when she was only half finished mowing the yard.

I try to be supportive when she needs these little extra rest breaks. I tell her to fix herself a nice, big, cold glass of freshly squeezed lemonade and just sit for a while. I tell her that as long as she is making one for herself, she may as well make one for me and take her break by the hammock so she can talk with me until I fall asleep.

I know that I probably look like a saint in the way I support my wife on a daily basis. I'm not saying that the ability to show this much consideration is easy. Many men will find it difficult. Some will find it impossible. No one knows better than I do how frustrating women can become as they get older.

However, guys, even if you just yell at your wife a little less often because of this article, I will consider that writing it was worthwhile.

Signed, Bob

NOTE #1: Bob's funeral was on Saturday, September 13th.
         Nan was acquitted on Monday, September 15th.

NOTE #2: Bob's friends at the tavern: "Danged all-women juries'll do it evertime!"


Having a Bad Day? (Top)

In a hospital's Intensive Care ward, patients always died in the same bed, on Sunday morning, at about 11 am, regardless of their medical condition.

This puzzled the doctors and some even thought it had something to do with the supernatural. No one could solve the mystery as to why the deaths occurred around 11am on Sunday, so a worldwide team of experts was assembled to investigate the cause of the incidents.

The next Sunday morning, a few minutes before 11am, all doctors and nurses nervously waited outside the ward to see for themselves what the terrible phenomenon was all about. Some were holding wooden crosses, prayer books and other holy objects toward off the evil spirits.

Just when the clock struck 11, Pookie Johnson, the part-time Sunday sweeper, entered the ward and unplugged the life support system so he could use the vacuum cleaner.


*** Having a Bad Day? ***

The average cost of rehabilitating a seal after the Exxon Valdez Oil spill in Alaska was $80,000.

At a special ceremony, two of the most expensively saved animals were being released back into the wild amid cheers and applause from onlookers.

A minute later, in full view, a killer whale ate them both in one bite.


*** Still think you are having a bad day? ***

A woman came home to find her husband in the kitchen shaking frantically, almost in a dancing frenzy, with some kind of wire running from his waist towards the electric kettle. Intending to jolt him away from the deadly current, she whacked him with a handy plank of wood, breaking his arm in two places.

Up to that moment, he had been happily listening to his Walkman.


*** STILL think you're having a bad day? ***

Two animal rights defenders were protesting the cruelty of sending pigs to a slaughterhouse in Bonn, Germany. Suddenly, all two thousand pigs broke loose and escaped through a broken fence, stampeding madly.

The two hapless protesters were trampled to death.


*** What? STILL having a bad day? ***

Iraqi terrorist Khay Rahnajet didn't pay enough postage on a letter bomb. It came back with "return to sender" stamped on it.

Forgetting it was the bomb, he opened it and was blown to bits.


*** There now, feeling better? I thought you might! ***


What's the Hurry? (Top)

Too many people put off something that brings them joy just because they haven't thought about it, don't have it on their schedule, didn't know it was coming or are too rigid to depart from their routine.

I got to thinking one day about all those women on the Titanic who passed up dessert at dinner that fateful night in an effort to cut back. From then on, I've tried to be a little more flexible.

How many women out there will eat at home because their husband didn't suggest going out to dinner until after something had been thawed? Does the word "refrigeration" mean nothing to you?

How often have your kids dropped in to talk and sat in silence while you watched 'Jeopardy' on television?

I cannot count the times I called my sister and said, "How about going to lunch in a half hour?" She would gasp and stammer, "I can't. I have clothes on the line. My hair is dirty. I wish I had known yesterday, I had a late breakfast, It looks like rain." And my personal favorite: "It's Monday." ....She died a few years ago. We never did have lunch together.

Because Americans cram so much into their lives, we tend to schedule our headaches.. We live on a sparse diet of promises we make to ourselves when all the conditions are perfect!

We'll go back and visit the grandparents when we get Stevie toilet-trained. We'll entertain when we replace the living-room carpet. We'll go on a second honeymoon when we get two more kids out of college.

Life has a way of accelerating as we get older. The days get shorter, and the list of promises to ourselves gets longer. One morning, we awaken, and all we have to show for our lives is a litany of "I'm going to," "I plan on," and "Someday, when things are settled down a bit."

When anyone calls my 'seize the moment' friend, she is open to adventure and available for trips. She keeps an open mind on new ideas. Her enthusiasm for life is contagious. You talk with her for five minutes, and you're ready to trade your bad feet for a pair of rollerblades and skip an elevator for a bungee cord.

My lips have not touched ice cream in 10 years. I love ice cream. It's just that I might as well apply it directly to my stomach with a spatula and eliminate the digestive process. The other day, I stopped the car and bought a triple-decker. If my car had hit an iceberg on the way home, I would have died happy.

Now...go on and have a nice day. Do something you WANT to......not something on your SHOULD DO list. If you were going to die soon and had only one phone call you could make, who would you call and what would you say? And why are you waiting? Have you wanted to do something for YOU but afraid of how it would sound or come out!! Do it!!

Have you ever watched kids playing on a merry go round or listened to the rain lapping on the ground? Ever followed a butterfly's erratic flight or gazed at the sun into the fading night? Do you run through each day on the fly? When you ask "How are you?" Do you hear the reply?

When the day is done, do you lie in your bed with the next hundred chores running through your head? Ever told your child, "We'll do it tomorrow." And in your haste, not see his sorrow? Ever lost touch? Let a good friendship die? Just call to say "Hi"? When you worry and hurry through your day, it is like an unopened gift....Thrown away... Life is not a race. Take it slower. Hear the music before the song is over. As well as the dance!"


Bubba and Jimmy Joe (Top)

One day, Jimmy Joe was walking down Main Street when he saw his buddy Bubba driving a brand new pickup. Bubba pulled up to him with a wide grin.

"Bubba, where'd you get that truck?!?"

"Bobby Sue give it to me" Bubba replied.

"She give it to you? I knew she was kinda sweet on ya, but a new truck?"

"Well, Jimmy Joe, let me tell you what happened. We were driving out on County Road 6, in the middle of nowhere. Bobby Sue pulled off the road, put the truck in 4-wheel drive, and headed into the woods."

"She parked the truck, got out, threw off all her clothes and said, 'Bubba, take whatever you want'. So I took the truck!"

"Bubba, you're a smart man!. Them clothes woulda never fit you!"


LAWS (Top)

1. The Law of Personal Hygiene:
Never accept a drink from a urologist, nor a friendly handshake from a proctologist.

2. The Law of Reality:
Never get into fights with ugly people, they have nothing to lose.

3. The Law of Avoiding Oversell:
When putting cheese in a mousetrap, always leave room for the mouse.

4. Law of Physical Displacement:
Sometimes you are the dog. Sometimes you are the hydrant

5. Law of Legal Rights:
Everyone has a right to be stupid. Some just abuse the privilege.

6. Law of Common Sense:
Common sense is not common at all... in fact, it's a rarity.

7. Law of Probable Dispersal:
Whatever hits the fan will not be evenly distributed.

8. Law of Wealth Accumulation:
No matter how much money you accumulate during your lifetime, when you die you are as dead as any pauper.


The Blind Man & Blondes (Top)

A blind man enters a Ladies Bar by mistake. He finds his way to a bar stool and orders a drink. After sitting there for awhile, he yells to the bartender, "Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?"

The bar immediately falls absolutely quiet. In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says, "Before you tell that joke, sir, I think it is just fair - given that you are blind - that you should know five things:

1 - The bartender is a blonde girl.

2 - The bouncer is a blonde girl.

3 - I'm a 6 feet tall, 220 lb. blonde woman with a black belt in karate.

4 - The woman sitting next to me is blonde and is a professional weight lifter.

5 - The lady to your right is a blonde and is a professional wrestler. Now think about it seriously, Mister. Do you still wanna tell that joke?"

The blind man thinks for a second, shakes his head and declares, "Naaah....Not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times.


Odds and Ends (Top)

While driving in Pennsylvania, a family caught up to an Amish carriage. The owner of the carriage obviously had a sense of humor, because attached to the back of the carriage was a hand printed sign . . .

"Energy efficient vehicle. Runs on oats and grass.
Caution: Do not step in exhaust."

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Here is the story of a person who got up one Sunday and announced to his congregation: I have good news and bad news. The good news is, we have enough money to pay for our new building program. The bad news is, it's still out there in your pockets.

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A Sunday School teacher began her lesson with a question, "Boys and girls, what do we know about God?"
A hand shot up in the air. "He is an artist!" said the kindergarten boy.
"Really? How do you know?" the teacher asked.
"You know - Our Father, who does art in Heaven... "

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A minister waited in line to have his car filled with gas just before a long holiday weekend. The attendant worked quickly, but there were many cars ahead of him in front of the service station. Finally, the attendant motioned him toward a vacant pump.
"Reverend," said the young man, sorry about the delay. It seems as if everyone waits until the last minute to get ready for a long trip.
The minister chuckled, "I know what you mean; same in my business."

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Somebody once figured out that we have 35 million laws trying to enforce 10 commandments!

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A minister parked his car in a no -- parking zone in a large city because he was short of time and couldn't find a space with a meter. So he put a note under the windshield wiper that read: I have circled the block 10 times. If I don't park here, I'll miss my appointment.
FORGIVE US OUR TRESPASSES.

When he returned, he found a citation from a police officer along with this note: I've circled this block for 10 years. If I don't give you a ticket, I'll lose my job.
LEAD US NOT INTO TEMPTATION.


Mexican Jews (Top)

Sid and Al were sitting in a Mexican restaurant. "Sid," asked Al, "are there any Jews in Mexico?"

I don't know," Sid replied. "Why don't we ask the waiter?"

When the waiter came by, Al asked him, "Are there any Mexican Jews?"

"I don't know senor, let me ask," the waiter replied, and he went into the kitchen. He returned in a few minutes and said, "No, sir. No Mexican Jews."

"Are you sure?" Al asked.

"I will check again, senor." the waiter replied and went back to the kitchen.

While he was still gone, Sid said, "I cannot believe there are no Jews in Mexico. Our people are scattered everywhere."

When the waiter returned he said, "Señor, no Mexican Jews."

"Are you really sure?" Al asked again. "I cannot believe there are no "Mexican Jews."

"Señor, I ask everyone," the waiter replied exasperated. "We have orange Jews, prune Jews, tomato Jews and grape Jews, but no one ever hear of Mexican Jews!"


OUCH! (Top)

A woman pulls up to a red light behind one other car. She notices the driver of the car in front of her is talking on his cell phone and appears to be shuffling through some papers on the seat beside him.

The light turns green, but the man doesn't notice. The woman waits, but the man still doesn't notice the light change. The woman begins pounding on her steering wheel and yelling at the man to move. The man doesn't move.

The woman is going ballistic inside her car, ranting and raving at the man, pounding on her steering wheel and dash. The light turns yellow. The woman begins to blow the car horn and scream curses at the man. The man hearing the commotion, looks up, sees the yellow light and accelerates through the intersection just as the light turns red. The woman is beside herself, screaming in frustration as she misses her chance to get through the intersection.

As she is still in mid-rant she hears a tap on her window and looks up into the barrel of a gun held by a very serious looking policeman. The policeman tells her to shut off her car while keeping both hands in sight. She complies, speechless at what is happening.

After she shuts off the engine the policeman orders her to exit her car with her hands up. She gets out of the car and he orders her to turn and place her hands on her car. She turns, places her hands on the car roof and quickly is cuffed and hustled into the patrol car. She is too bewildered by the chain of events to ask any questions. She is driven to the police station where she is fingerprinted, photographed, searched, booked and placed in a cell.

After a couple of hours a policeman approaches the cell and opens the door for her. She is escorted back to the booking desk where the original officer is waiting with her personal effects.

He hands her the bag containing her things, and says, "I'm really sorry for this mistake. But you see, I pulled up behind your car while you were blowing your horn and cussing a blue streak at the car in front of you. Then I noticed the 'Choose Life' license plate holder, the 'Follow Me to Sunday School' bumper sticker, and the chrome plated Christian fish emblem on the trunk.

So naturally I assumed you had stolen the car."


Hope for a Younger Generation (Top)

It's a truly heartwarming story about the bond formed between a little girl and some construction workers that makes you believe that there is still hope for the younger generation.

A young family moved into a house next door to a vacant lot. One day a construction crew turned up to start building a house on the empty lot. The young family's 5-year-old daughter naturally took an interest in all the activity going on next door and spent much of each day observing the workers.

Eventually the construction crew, all of them gems-in-the-rough, more or less adopted her as a kind of project mascot. They chatted with her, let her sit with them while they had coffee and lunch breaks, and gave her little jobs to do here and there to make her feel important.

At the end of the first week they even presented her with a pay envelope containing a couple of dollars. The little girl took this home to her mother who said all the appropriate words of admiration and suggested that they take the two dollars pay she had received to the bank the next day to start a savings account.

When they got to the bank the teller was equally impressed and asked the little girl how she had come by her very own pay check at such a young age. The little girl proudly replied, "I worked last week with the crew building the house next door to us."

"My goodness gracious," said the teller, "and will you be working on the house again this week, too?"

The little girl replied, "I will if those assholes at Home Depot ever deliver the damn sheet rock ... "


Demographics (Top)

You Live in California when...
1. You make over $250,000, and you still can't afford to buy a house.
2. The high school quarterback calls a time-out to answer his cell phone.
3. The fastest part of your commute is going down your driveway.
4. You know how to eat an artichoke.
5. You drive your rented Mercedes to your neighborhood block party.
6. When someone asks you how far something is, you tell them how long it will take to get there rather than how many miles away it is.

You Live in New York City when...
1. You say "the city" and expect everyone to know you mean Manhattan.
2. You have never been to the Statue of Liberty or the Empire State Building.
3. You can get into a four-hour argument about how to get from Columbus Circle to Battery Park, but can't find Wisconsin on a map.
4. You think Central Park is "nature."
5. You believe that being able to swear at people in their own language makes you multi-lingual.
6. You've worn out a car horn.
7. You think eye contact is an act of aggression.

You Live in Maine when...
1. You only have four spices: salt, pepper, ketchup, and Tabasco.
2. Halloween costumes fit over parkas.
3. You have more than one recipe for moose.
4. Sexy lingerie is anything flannel with less than eight buttons.
5. The four seasons are: winter, still winter, almost winter, and construction.

You Live in the Deep South when...
1. You can rent a movie and buy bait in the same store.
2."Y'all" is singular and "All y'all" is plural.
3. After five years you still hear, "You ain't from 'round here, are ya?"
4. "He needed killin' " is a valid defense.
5. Everyone has 2 first names: Billy Bob, Jimmy Bob, Mary Sue, Betty Jean, etc.

You live in Colorado when....
1. You carry your $3,000 mountain bike atop your $500 car.
2. You tell your husband to pick up Granola on his way home, and he stops at the day care center.
3. A pass does not involve a football or dating.
4. The top of your head is bald, but you still have a pony tail.

You live in the Midwest when...
1. You've never met any celebrities, but the mayor knows your name.
2. Your idea of a traffic jam is ten cars waiting to pass a tractor.
3. You have had to switch from "heat" to "A/C" on the same day.
4. You end sentences with a preposition: "Where's my coat at?"
5. When asked how your trip was to any exotic place, you say, "It was different!"

You live in Florida when....
1. You eat dinner at 3:15 in the afternoon.
2. All purchases include a coupon of some kind -- even houses and cars.
3. Everyone can recommend an excellent dermatologist.
4. Road construction never ends anywhere in the state.
5. Cars in front of you are often driven by headless people.


Why I like Airplanes (Top)

Why I like airplanes over women:

Airplanes usually kill you quickly, a woman takes her time.

Airplanes can be turned on by a flick of the switch.

Airplanes don't get mad if you do a "touch and go."

Airplanes don't object to a preflight inspection.

Airplanes come with a manual to explain their operation.

Airplanes have strict weight and balance limitations.

Airplanes can be flown at any time of the month.

Airplanes don't come with in-laws.

Airplanes don't care about how many airplanes you've flown before.

Airplanes and pilot both arrive at the same time.

Airplanes don't mind if you look at other airplanes.

Airplanes don't mind if you buy airplane magazines.

Airplanes expect to be tied down.

Airplanes don't comment on your piloting skills.

However, they both have one thing in common -- when either one of them gets quiet,

it's definitely not good.


Values (Top)

To realize
The value of a parent:
Ask someone who doesn't have one.

To realize
The value of ten years:
Ask someone with a pacemaker.

To realize
The value of four years:
Ask a graduate.

To realize
The value of one year:
Ask a student who has failed a final exam.

To realize
The value of nine months:
Ask a mother who gave birth to a still born.

To realize
The value of one month:
Ask a mother who has given birth to a premature baby.

To realize
The value of one week:
Ask a worker who didn't get paid.

To realize
The value of one hour:
Ask the lovers who are waiting to meet.

To realize
The value of one minute:
Ask a person who has missed the train, bus or plane.

To realize
The value of one-second:
Ask a person who has survived an accident.

To realize
The value of one millisecond:
Ask the person who has won a silver medal in the Olympics.

To realize
The value of a friend:
Lose one.

Time waits for no one.
Treasure every moment you have.
You will treasure it even more when you can share it with someone special.


The Sign Said WHAT? (Top)

Spotted in a toilet of a London office:
TOILET OUT OF ORDER. PLEASE USE FLOOR BELOW.

In a Laundromat:
AUTOMATIC WASHING MACHINES: PLEASE REMOVE ALL YOUR CLOTHES WHEN THE LIGHT GOES OUT.

Etiquette sign in Oriental restaurant:
DO NOT BREAK BREAD OR ROLL IN SOUP.

In London department store:
BARGAIN BASEMENT UPSTAIRS.

In an office:
WOULD THE PERSON WHO TOOK THE STEPLADDER YESTERDAY PLEASE BRING IT BACK OR FURTHER STEPS WILL BE TAKEN.

Another office:
AFTER TEA BREAK STAFF SHOULD EMPTY THE TEAPOT AND STAND UPSIDE DOWN ON THE DRAIN BOARD.

Outside a second-hand shop:
WE EXCHANGE ANYTHING - BICYCLES, WASHING MACHINES, ETC.
WHY NOT BRING YOUR WIFE ALONG AND GET A WONDERFUL BARGAIN?

Notice in health food shop window:
CLOSED DUE TO ILLNESS.

Spotted in a safari park:
ELEPHANTS PLEASE STAY IN YOUR CAR.

Seen during a conference:
FOR ANYONE WHO HAS CHILDREN AND DOESN'T KNOW IT, THERE IS A DAY CARE ON THE FIRST FLOOR.

Notice in a field:
THE FARMER ALLOWS WALKERS TO CROSS THE FIELD FOR FREE, BUT THE BULL CHARGES.

Message on a leaflet:
IF YOU CANNOT READ, THIS LEAFLET WILL TELL YOU HOW TO GET LESSONS.

On a repair shop door:
WE CAN REPAIR ANYTHING. (PLEASE KNOCK HARD ON THE DOOR - THE BELL DOESN'T WORK).


How to Get to Heaven: by Small Children (Top)

If I sold my house and my car, had a big garage sale, and gave all my money to the church, would that get me into heaven?" I asked the children in my Sunday school class.

"NO!" the children all answered.

"If I cleaned the church every day, mowed the yard, and kept everything neat and tidy, would that get me into heaven?"

Once more they all answered, "NO!"

"Well, then, if I was kind to animals and gave candy to all the children and loved my wife, would that get me into heaven?" I asked them again.

Once more they all answered, "NO!"

"Well," I continued, thinking they were a good bit more theologically sophisticated than I had given them credit for, "then how can I get into heaven?"

A five-year-old boy shouted out, "YOU GOTTA BE DEAD!"


Love Those Blondes, God Bless'em (Top)

Bob and his blonde wife live in Calgary. One winter morning while listening to the radio, they hear the announcer say, "We are going to have 8 to 10 centimeters of snow today. You must park your car on the even numbered side of the street, so the snowplow can get through."

Bob's wife goes out and moves her car.

A week later while they are eating breakfast, the radio announcer says, "We are expecting 10 to 12 centimeters of snow today. You must park your car on the odd numbered side of the street, so the snowplow can get through."

Bob's wife goes out and moves her car again.

The next week they are having breakfast again, when the radio announcer says "We are expecting 12 to 14 centimeters of snow today. You must park..........." then the electric power goes out.

Bob's wife is very upset, and with a worried look on her face she says, "Honey, I don't know what to do." Which side of the street do I need to park on so the snowplow can get through?

With the love and understanding in his voice like all men who are married to Blondes exhibit, Bob says, "Why don't you just leave it in the garage this time?"


A View from the North (Top)

A South Carolina redneck passed away and left a sizable estate to his beloved widow. However, she can't touch it until she turns fourteen.

Folks in Georgia now go to the movies in groups of 18 or more since they were told that in some theaters "17 and under are not admitted".

The minimum drinking age in Tennessee was raised to age 32 in an attempt to keep alcohol out of high schools.

Reruns of "Hee Haw" in Mississippi are considered documentaries.

You know you are in Kentucky when you call the front desk from your motel room and tell the clerk "I've gotta leak in my sink", and he says, "Go ahead...you paid for the room".

You can tell if a West Virginia redneck is married. There is tobacco spit on both sides of his pickup.

A new lottery system is in effect in Florida. It pays out $3,000,000 to the lucky winner. That is, $3 a year for a million years.

The governor's mansion in Little Rock was almost destroyed by fire. In fact, the entire trailer park was almost lost.

The law in Georgia was recently changed regarding divorce. Now, after being divorced, the couple are still brother and sister.

The best thing to ever come out of Arkansas was Interstate 40.

An Alabama state trooper stopped a redneck in a pickup truck for weaving on the roadway. He asked the driver, "Got any ID?"
The redneck said, "'Bout what?"


Even in Eternity (Top)

The Clintons were in a terrible plane crash and all three died. When they got to heaven they approached the Throne of God and God said to Chelsea, "Why should I let you in heaven?"

Chelsea answered, "I am the daughter of the President, a representative of all the children in America."

God said, "Very well, you may sit on my right side." Then he said to Bill, "Why should I let you in heaven?"

Bill answered, "I am the President of the United States, a representative of all the people in America."

God said, "Very well, you may sit on my left side."

Then he said to Hillary, "Why should I let you in heaven?"

Hillary answered, "I don't know, but you're in my seat!"


The Test (Top)

A Pennsylvania State Trooper pulled a car over on I-81 about 2 miles north of the Pa/Md state line. When the Trooper asked the driver why he was speeding, the driver answered that he was a magician and a juggler and he was on his way to Harrisburg to do a show that night at the Zembo Shrine Circus and didn't want to be late.

The Trooper told the driver he was fascinated by juggling, and if the driver would do a little juggling for him that he wouldn't give him a ticket. The driver told the Trooper that he had sent all of his equipment on ahead and didn't have anything to juggle.

The Trooper told him that he had some flares in the trunk of his patrol car and asked if he could juggle them. The juggler stated that he could, so the Trooper got three flares, lit them and handed them to the juggler.

While the man was doing his juggling act, a car pulled in behind the patrol car, a drunk got out and watched the performance briefly, he then went over to the patrol car, opened the rear door and got in.

The Trooper observed him doing this and went over to the patrol car, opened the door and asked the drunk what he thought he was doing.

The drunk replied, "You might as well haul my fannie to jail, 'cause there's no way in heck I can pass that test."


A Visit to the Doctor (Top)

A woman accompanied her husband to the doctor's office. After his checkup, the doctor called the wife into his office alone.

He said, "Your husband is suffering from a very severe stress disorder. If you don't do the following, your husband will surely die. Each morning, fix him a healthy breakfast. Be pleasant at all times. For lunch make him a nutritious meal. For dinner prepare an especially nice meal for him. Don't burden him with chores. Don't discuss your problems with him -- it will only make his stress worse. No nagging. And most importantly, make love with your husband several times a week. If you can do this for the next 10 months to a year, I think your husband will regain his health completely."

On the way home, the husband asked his wife. "What did the doctor say?"

"He said you're going to die," she replied.


Talking Clock (Top)

A drunk was proudly showing off his new apartment to a couple of his friends late one night, and led the way to his bedroom where there was a big brass gong.

"What's that big brass gong?" one of the guests asked.

"It's not a gong. It's a talking clock," the drunk replied.

"A talking clock? Seriously?" asked his astonished friend.

"Yup," replied the drunk.

"How's it work?" the friend asked, squinting at it.

"Watch," the drunk replied. He picked up the mallet, gave it an ear-shattering pound, and stepped back.

The three stood looking at one another for a moment.

Suddenly, someone on the other side of the wall screamed, "You idiot ... it's ten past three in the morning!"


Thanksgiving Divorce (Top)

An elderly man in Phoenix calls his son in New York and says, "I hate to ruin your day, but I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing; forty-five years of misery is enough."

"Pop, what are you talking about," the son screams.

"We can't stand the sight of each other any longer," the old man says. "We're sick and tired of each other, and I'm sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Chicago and tell her." And he hangs up.

Frantic, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone. "Like heck they're getting a divorce," she shouts. "I'll take care of this." She calls Phoenix immediately, and screams at the old man, "You are NOT getting divorced! Don't do a single thing until I get there. I'm calling my brother back and we'll both be there tomorrow. Until then don't do a thing, DO YOU HEAR ME?" And she hangs up.

The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife. "They're coming for Thanksgiving and paying their own way."


Bear Hunter (Top)

A man wakes up one morning to find a bear on his roof. So he looks in the yellow pages and sure enough, there's an ad for "Bear Removers".

He calls the number, and the bear remover says he'll be over in 30 minutes.

The bear remover arrives, and gets out of his van. He's got a ladder, a baseball bat, a shotgun and a mean old pit bull. "What are you going to do," the homeowner asks?

"I'm going to put this ladder up against the roof, then I'm going to go up there and knock the bear off the roof with this baseball bat. When the bear falls off, the pit bull is trained to grab his crotch and not let go. The bear will then be subdued enough for me to put him in the cage in the back of the van."

He hands the shotgun to the homeowner.

"What's the shotgun for?" asks the homeowner.

"If the bear knocks me off the roof, shoot the dog"


More From the Mouths of Babes (Top)

Ever notice how a 4-year-old's voice is louder than 200 adult voices?

1. Several years ago, I returned home from a trip just when a storm hit with crashing thunder and severe lightning. As I came into my bedroom about 2 a.m., I found my two children in bed with my wife, apparently scared by the loud storm. I resigned myself to sleep in the guest bedroom that night. The next day, I talked to the children, and explained that it was OK to sleep with Mom when the storm was bad, but when I was expected home, please don't sleep with Mom that night. They said OK.

After my next trip several weeks later, my wife and the children picked me up in the terminal at the appointed time. Since the plane was late, there were hundreds of other folks also waiting for their arriving passengers.

As I entered the waiting area, my son saw me, and came running shouting, "Hi, Dad! I've got some good news!"

As I waved back, I said loudly, "What's the good news?"

"Nobody slept with Mommy while you were away this time!" Alex shouted.

The airport became very quiet, as everyone in the waiting area looked at Alex, then turned to me, and then searched the rest of the area to see if they could figure out exactly who his Mom was.


2. A certain little girl, when asked her name, would reply, "I'm Mr. Sugarbrown's daughter." Her mother told her this was wrong, she must say, "I'm Jane Sugarbrown."

The Vicar spoke to her in Sunday School, and said, "Aren't you Mr. Sugarbrown's daughter?"

She replied, "I thought I was, but mother says I'm not."


3. A little girl asked her mother, "Can I go outside and play with the boys?" Her mother replied, "No, you can't play with the boys, they're too rough."

The little girl thought about it for a few moments and asked, "If I can find a smooth one, can I play with him?"


4. At the beginning of a children's sermon, one girl came up to the altar wearing a beautiful dress. As the children were sitting down around the pastor, he leaned over and said to the girl, "That is a very pretty dress. Is it your Easter dress?"

The girl replied almost directly into the pastor's clip-on mike, "Yes, and my Mom says it's a bitch to iron."


5. A little girl goes to the barber shop with her father. She stands next to the barber chair, while her dad gets his hair cut, eating a snack cake.

The barber says to her, "Sweetheart, you're gonna get hair on your Twinkie."

She says, "Yes, I know, and I'm gonna get boobs too."


As I Was Walking Down Life's Highway (Top)

As I was walking down life's highway many years ago
I came upon a sign that read Heavens Grocery Store.

When I got a little closer the doors swung open wide
And when I came to myself I was standing inside.

I saw a host of Angels. They were standing everywhere
One handed me a basket and said "My Child shop with care."

Everything a human needed was in that grocery store
And what you could not carry you could come back for more

First I got some Patience. Love was in that same row.
Further down was Understanding, you need that everywhere you go.

I got a box or two of Wisdom and Faith a bag or two.
And Charity of course I would need some of that too.

I couldn't miss the Holy Ghost It was all over the place.

And then some Strength and Courage to Help me run this race.
My basket was getting full but I remembered I needed Grace,

And then I chose Salvation for Salvation was for free
I tried to get enough of that to do for you and me.

Then I started to the counter to pay my grocery bill,
For I thought I had everything to do the Masters Will.

As I went up the aisle I saw Prayer and put that in,
For I knew when I stepped outside I would run into Sin.

Peace and Joy were plentiful, the last things on the shelf.
Song and Praise were hanging near so I just helped myself.

Then I said to the angel "Now how much do I owe?"
He smiled and said "Just take them everywhere you go."

Again I asked "Really now, How much do I owe?"
"My child" he said, "God paid your bill a long, long time ago."


The Male Mentality (Top)

A farmer has about 200 hens, but no rooster, and he wants chicks. So he goes down the road to the next farmer and asks if he has a rooster that he would sell. The other farmer says, "Yeah, I've got this great rooster named Kenny. He'll service every chicken you got, no problem."

Well, Kenny the rooster costs a lot of money, but the farmer decides he'd be worth it. So, he buys Kenny. The farmer takes Kenny home and sets him down in the barnyard, first giving the rooster a pep talk. "I want you to pace yourself now. You've got a lot of chickens to service here, and you cost me a lot of money. So I'll need you to do a good job. Take your time and have some fun," the farmer said with a chuckle.

Kenny seemed to understand, so the farmer pointed toward the hen house and Kenny took off like a shot. WHAM! Kenny nails every hen in the hen house three or four times, and the farmer is really shocked.

After that the farmer hears a commotion in the duck pen. Sure enough Kenny is in there. Later, the farmer sees Kenny after a flock of geese, down by the lake. Once again-WHAM! He gets all the geese. By sunset he sees Kenny out in the fields chasing quail and pheasants.

The farmer is distraught and worried that his expensive rooster won't even last 24 hours. Sure enough, the farmer goes to bed and wakes up the next day to find Kenny on his back, stone cold in the middle of the yard.

Buzzards are circling overhead. The farmer, saddened by the loss of such a colourful and expensive animal, shakes his head and says, "Oh, Kenny, I told you to pace yourself. I tried to get you to slow down, now look what you've done to yourself."

Kenny opens one eye, nods toward the buzzards circling in the sky and says, "Shhh, they're gettin ready to land."


The Thrifty Woman (Top)

A woman from the deepest, most southern part of Alabama goes into the local newspaper office to see that the obituary for her recently deceased husband is written. The obit editor informs her that the fee for the obituary is 50 cents a word.

She pauses, reflects and then says, "Well, then, let it read,'Billy Bob died'."

Amused at the woman's thrift, the editor says, "Sorry ma'am, there is a 7 word minimum on all obituaries."

Only a little flustered, she thinks things over and in a few seconds says...

"In that case, let it read, 'Billy Bob died - 1938 Pick-up for sale.'"


The Burglar and Jesus (Top)

A burglar broke into a house one night looking for valuables, and when he picked up a VCR to place in his bag, a strange voice in the dark said, "Jesus is watching you."

The burglar, startled by the voice, froze and clicked his flashlight off. After a few minutes of silence, he thought that he was hearing things, so he clicked the flashlight back on and began searching for more valuables.

Just as he pulled the stereo out so he could disconnect the wires, he heard the voice again call out, "Jesus is watching you."

Freaked out, the burglar shined his flashlight around the room frantically looking for the source of the voice. Finally, in the corner of the room, his flashlight beam came across a parrot in a cage.

"Did you say that?" he whispered angrily at the parrot.

"Yes," the parrot confessed, "I'm just trying to warn you."

The burglar, relieved that he was not caught said, "Warn me, huh? Who the heck are you?"

"Moses," replied the bird.

"Moses?" the burglar laughed. "What kind of people would name a parrot Moses?"

The bird promptly answered, "Probably the same kind of people that would name a Rottweiler Jesus."


Revised Position, Father-Daughter (Top)

Dear Spike,

I have been unable to sleep since I forced my daughter to break off her engagement to you.

Will you forgive and forget?

I was much too sensitive about your Mohawk haircut, your many tattoos, and pierced nose.

I now realize motorcycles aren't really that dangerous, and I really should not have reacted the way I did to the fact that you have never held a job.

I am sure, too, that some other very nice people live under the bridge in the park.

Sure, my daughter is only 17 and wants to marry you instead of going to Harvard on a full ride scholarship.

After all, you can't learn everything about life from books. I sometimes forget how backward I can be.

I was wrong. I was a fool. I have now come to my senses and you have my full blessing to marry my daughter.


Sincerely,
Your future father-in-law

P.S. Congratulations on winning the Powerball lottery


Hillary's Physical Exam (Top)

Hillary Clinton goes to her doctor for a physical, only to find out that she's pregnant. She is furious. Here she's in the middle of her first term as Senator of New York and this has happened to her. She calls home, gets Bill on the phone and immediately starts screaming:

"How could you have let this happen? With all that's going on right now, you go and get me pregnant! How could you? I can't believe this! I just found out I am five weeks pregnant and it is all your fault! Your fault! Well, what have you got to say?"

There is nothing but dead silence on the phone.

She screams again, "Did you hear me?"

Finally she hears Bill's very, very quiet voice. In a barely audible whisper, he says,

"Who is this?"


Men, Women, and Computers (Top)

***Male or Female***

As you are aware, ships have long been characterized as being female (e.g., "Steady as she goes", or "She's listing to starboard, Captain!"). Recently, a group of computer scientists (all males) announced that computers should also be referred to as female. Their reasons for drawing this conclusion follow.

Five reasons to believe computers are female:

1. No one but the Creator understands their internal logic.

2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else.

3. The message "Bad command or file name" is about as informative as, "If you don't know why I'm mad at you, then I'm certainly not going to tell you."

4. Even your smallest mistakes are stored in long-term memory for later retrieval.

5. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it.


However, another group of computer scientists (all female) think that computers should be referred to as male.

Five reasons to believe computers are male:

1. They have a lot of data, but are still clueless.

2. They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time they are the problem.

3. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that, if you had waited a little longer, you could have obtained a better model.

4. In order to get their attention, you have to turn them on.

5. Big power surges knock them out for the rest of the night.


Golfers (Top)

A golfer set up his ball on the first tee, took a mighty swing and hit his ball into a clump of trees. He found his ball and saw an opening between two trees he thought he could hit through. Taking out his 3-wood, he took another mighty swing; the ball hit a tree, bounced back, hit him in the forehead and killed him. As he approached the gates of Heaven, St. Peter saw him coming and asked "Are you a good golfer', to which the man replied: "Got here in two, didn't I?"

- - - - -
The bride came down the aisle and when she reached the altar, the groom was standing there with his golf bag and clubs at his side. She said:" What are your golf clubs doing here"? He looked her right in the eye .... and said, "This isn't going to take all day, is it?"

- - - - - -
A woman goes to the local newspaper office to see that the obituary for her recently deceased husband is published. The obit editor informs her that there is a charge of 50 cents per word. She pauses, reflects, and then she says, well then, let it read "Fred Brown died." Amused at the woman's thrift, the editor tells her that there is a seven-word minimum for all obituaries. She thinks it over and in a few seconds says, "In that case, let it read, "Fred Brown died: golf clubs for sale."

- - - - -
A 75-year-old woman went to the doctor for a check up. The doctor told her she needed more cardiovascular activity and recommended that she engage in sexual activity three times a week. A bit embarrassed, she said to the doctor, "Please tell my husband." The doctor went out into the waiting room and told the husband that his wife needed sex three times a week. The 78-year-old husband replied, "Which days?" The doctor answered, "Monday, Tuesday, and Friday would be ideal." The husband said, "I can bring her on Monday, but on Tuesdays and Fridays I golf, so she'll have to take the bus."


Little Leroy (Top)

Little Leroy came into the kitchen where his mother was making dinner.

His birthday was coming up, and he thought this was a good time to tell his mother what he wanted. "Mom, I want a bike for my birthday," he said.

Little Leroy was a bit of a troublemaker. He had gotten into trouble at school, and at home. Leroy's mother asked him if he thought he deserved to get a bike for his birthday. Little Leroy, of course, thought he did.

Leroy's mother, being a Christian woman, wanted Leroy to reflect on his behavior over the last year. "Go to your room, Leroy, and think about how you have behaved this year. Then, write a letter to God, and tell him why you deserve a bike for your birthday."

Little Leroy stomped up the steps to his room, and sat down to write God a letter.


Letter 1:

Dear God,
I have been a very good boy this year, and I would like a bike for my birthday. I want a red one.
Your friend,
Leroy

Leroy knew that this wasn't true. He had not been a very good boy this year, so he tore up the letter, and started over.


Letter 2:

Dear God,
This is your friend, Leroy. I have been a pretty good boy this year, and I would like a red bike for my birthday.
Thank you.
Your friend,
Leroy

Leroy knew that this wasn't true, either. So, he tore up the letter, and started again.


Letter 3:

Dear God,
I have been an "OK" boy this year. I still would really like a red bike for my birthday.
Leroy

Leroy knew he could not send this letter to God either. So, Leroy wrote another letter.


Letter 4:

God,
I know I haven't been a good boy this year. I am very sorry. I will be a good boy if you just send me a red bike for my birthday. Please!
Thank you,
Leroy

Leroy knew, even if it was true, this letter was not going to get him a bike. By now, Leroy was very upset. He went downstairs, and told his Mom that he wanted to go to church. Leroy's mother thought her plan had worked, as Leroy looked very sad. "Just be home in time for dinner," Leroy's mother told him.

Leroy walked down the street to the church on the corner. Little Leroy went into the church, and up to the altar. He looked around to see if anyone was there. Leroy bent down, and picked up a statue of the Virgin Mary. He slipped it under his shirt, and ran out of the church, down the street, into the house, and up to his room. He shut the door to his room, and sat down with a piece of paper and a pen. Leroy began to write his letter to God.


Letter 5:

God,
I'VE GOT YOUR MAMA. IF YOU WANT TO SEE HER AGAIN, SEND THE BIKE.
Signed,
YOU KNOW WHO


Why SANTA CLAUS must be a WOMAN (Top)

Men don't know how to pack a bag.

Most men wouldn't be caught dead wearing red velvet.

Men don't even think about selecting gifts until after lunch on Christmas Eve.

Men aren't interested in stockings unless somebody's wearing them.

If Santa were a man, everyone in the universe would wake up Christmas morning to find Ronco products, socket wrench sets, and Chia Pets, still in the bag from the mall.

If Santa were a man he would have no reindeer, because they would all be dead, gutted, and strapped across the front of the sleigh

And Blitzen's rack would already be on the way to the taxidermist.

And if he did find some way to power the sleigh, he'd never get to everyone's house because he would get lost up there in the snow and never stop to ask for directions.

Men would feel their masculinity is threatened by having to be seen with all those elves.

Men would refuse to allow their physique to be described, even in jest, as anything remotely resembling a "bowl full of jelly."

Having to do the "Ho Ho Ho" thing would seriously inhibit their ability to pick up chicks.

And last but not least, being responsible for Christmas would require a commitment!


Interesting Facts About Iraq (Top)

1. The garden of Eden was in Iraq. (it sure doesn't look much like Paradise on earth today thanks to Saddam)

2. Mesopotamia which is now Iraq was the cradle of civilization!

3. Noah built the ark in Iraq.

4. The Tower of Babel was in Iraq.

5. Abraham was from Ur, which is in Southern Iraq!

6. Isaac's wife Rebekah is from Nahor which is in Iraq.

7. Jacob met Rachel in Iraq.

8. Jonah preached in Nineveh - which is in Iraq.

9. Assyria which is in Iraq conquered the ten tribes of Israel.

10. Amos cried out in Iraq!

11. Babylon which is in Iraq destroyed Jerusalem.

12. Daniel was in the lion's den in Iraq!

13. The 3 Hebrew children were in the fire in Iraq. (that's good news to know that JESUS has been in Iraq too as the 4th person in the fiery furnace!)

14. Belshazzar, the King of Babylon saw the "writing on the wall" in Iraq.

15. Nebuchadnezzar, King of Babylon, carried the Jews captive into Iraq.

16. Ezekiel preached in Iraq.

17. The wise men were from Iraq. (where are the "wise" men today?)

18. Peter preached in Iraq.

19. The "Empire of Man" described in Revelation is called Babylon which was a city in Iraq!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

And you have probably seen this one. Israel is the nation most often mentioned in the Bible. But do you know which nation is second? It is Iraq! However, that is not the name that is used in the Bible. The names used in the Bible are Babylon, Land of Shinar, and Mesopotamia. The word Mesopotamia means between the two rivers, more exactly between the Tigris and Euphrates Rivers. The name Iraq, means country with deep roots. Indeed Iraq is a country with deep roots and is a very significant country in the Bible.
Here's why.

* Eden was in Iraq--Genesis 2:10-14
* Adam & Eve were created in Iraq--Genesis 2:7-8
* Satan made his first recorded appearance in Iraq--Genesis 3:1-6
* Nimrod established Babylon & Tower of Babel was built in Iraq-- Genesis 10:8-97 & 11:1-4
* The confusion of the languages took place in Iraq--Genesis 11:5-11
* Abraham came from a city in Iraq--Genesis 11:31 & Acts 7:2-4
* Isaac's bride came from Iraq--Genesis 24:3-4 & 10
* Jacob spent 20 years in Iraq--Genesis 27:42-45 & 31:38
* The first world Empire was in Iraq--Daniel 1:1-2 &2:36-38
* The greatest revival in history was in a city in Iraq--Jonah 3
* The events of the book of Esther took place in Iraq--Esther
* The book of Nahum was a prophecy against a city in Iraq--Nahum
* The book or Revelation has prophecies against Babylon, which was the old name for the nation of Iraq--Revelation 17 & 18

No other nation, except Israel, has more history and prophecy associated it than Iraq.


Harbor Lights (Top)

You tiptoed into my dream,
Like sweet fragrance of spring.
You whispered sweet lullabies,
The songs that angels sing.
You gave yourself so freely,
Asking nothing in return.
You are the example,
A lesson for us to learn.
Your spirit roams the stars,
Like a comet in the sky.
You gave away the answers,
When you were asked to reply.
You opened up your heart,
And shared your gift of love.
To me you are not a woman,
But an angel from above.
I cannot put into words
just what you mean to me.
You are more close to heaven,
Than I could ever be.
So "MY DEAREST FRIEND",
    if you ever need a friend,
Just call and I'll be there.
You are truely awesome,
An angel unaware.


Harbor Lights 2 (Top)

Set your own pace.
When someone is pushing you,
it's OK to tell them they're pushing.

Take nothing for granted . . .
watch water flow,
the corn grow,
the leaves blow,
your neighbors mow.

Allow yourself time to be lazy and unproductive.
Rest isn't a luxury, it's a necessity.

Listen to the wind blow.
It carries a message of yesterday and tomorrow . . .
And now . . .
Now counts.

Rest on your laurels.
They bring comfort whatever their size, age or condition.

Talk slower.
Talk less.
Don't talk.
Communication isn't measured by words.

Give yourself permission to be late sometimes.
Life is for living, not scheduling.

Listen to the song of a bird . . . the complete song.
Music and nature are gifts, but only if you are willing to receive them.

Slow down. God is still in heaven.
You are not responsible for
. . . doing it all
. . . yourself
. . . right now.

Remember a happy, peaceful time in your past.
Rest there.
Each moment has a richness that takes a lifetime to savor.

Quit planning how you're going to use what you know, learn or possess.
God's gifts just are.
Be grateful and their purpose will be clear.

When you walk with someone, don't think about what you'll say next.
Thoughts will spring up naturally if you let them.

Talk and play with children,
It will bring out the unhurried little person inside you.

Create a place in your home . . .
at your work . . .
in your heart . . .
where you can go for quiet and recollection.
You deserve it.

Take time to think.
Action is good and necessary, but it's fruitful only if
we muse,
ponder,
and mull.

Make time for play... the things you like to do.
Whatever your age, your inner child needs re-creation.

Watch and listen to the night sky.
It speaks. Listen to the words you speak . . . especially in prayer.

Learn to stand back and let others take their turn as leaders.
There will always be new opportunities for you to step out in front again.

Divide big jobs into little jobs.
If God took six days to create the universe, can you do any better?

Direct your life with purposeful choices, not with speed and efficiency.
The best musician is one who plays with expression and meaning, not the one who finishes first.

Take a day off alone . . . make a retreat.
You can learn from monks and hermits without becoming one.

Pet a furry friend.
You will give and get the gift of now.

Work with your hands . . . It frees the mind.

Take time to wonder....
without wonder, life is merely an existence.

Sit in the dark...
It will treat you to see and hear, taste and smell.

Once in awhile,
turn down the lights,
the throttle,
the invitations.
Less really can be more.

Let go.
Nothing is usually the hardest thing to do . . .
but often it is the best.

Taste your food.
God gave it to delight as well as nourish.

Notice the sun and the moon as they rise and set.
They are remarkable for their steady pattern of movement, not their speed.

And as you ramble on thru life my dearest friend . . .
Keep your eye upon the doughnut, and not upon the hole.

Harbour Lights


How to Stay Safe in the World Today (Top)

1. Avoid riding in automobiles because they are responsible for 20% of all fatal accidents.

2. Do not stay home because 17% of all accidents occur in the home.

3. Avoid walking on streets or sidewalks because 14% of all accidents occur to pedestrians.

4. Avoid traveling by air, rail, or water because 16% of all accidents involve these forms of transportation.

5. Of the remaining 33%, 32% of all deaths occur in Hospitals. Above all else, avoid hospitals.

You will be pleased to learn that only 0.001% of all deaths occur in worship services in church, and these are usually related to previous physical disorders. Therefore, logic tells us that the safest place for you to be at any time is at church! Bible study is safe too. The percentage of deaths during Bible study is even less.

FOR SAFETY'S SAKE
Attend church and read your Bible
IT COULD SAVE YOUR LIFE


Retarded Grandparents (Top)

A teacher asked her young pupils how they spent their vacation. One child wrote the following:

We always used to spend the holidays with Grandma and Grandpa. They used to live here in a big, brick house, but Grandpa got retarded so they moved to California and live in Palm Springs with a lot of other retarded people. They live in a condo-minimum and have rocks painted green to look like grass. They ride around on big tricycles and wear name tags because they don't know who they are anymore. They go to a building called a wrecked center, but they must have got it fixed because it is all right now. They play games and do exercises there, but they don't do them very well. There is a swimming pool, too, but they all jump up and down in it with their hats on. I guess they don't know how to swim.

At their gate there is a dollhouse with a little old man sitting in it. He watches all day so nobody can escape. Sometimes they sneak out. Then they go cruising in their golf carts. My grandma used to bake cookies and stuff, but I guess she forgot how. Nobody there cooks; they just eat out. And they eat the same thing every night: Early Birds. Some of the people can't get past the man in the dollhouse to go out, so the ones who get out bring food back to the wrecked center and call it pot luck.

My Grandma says Grandpa worked all his life to earn his retardment and says I should work hard so I can be retarded one day, too. When I earn my retardment, I want to be the man in the doll house. Then I will let people out so they can visit their grandchildren.


Women's Quotes (Top)

Inside every older woman is a young girl wondering what the hell happened.
-Cora Harvey Armstrong-

The hardest years in life are those between ten and seventy.
-Helen Hayes- (at 73)

Whoever thought up the word "Mammogram"?
Every time I hear it, I think I'm supposed to put my breast in an envelope and send it to someone.
-Jan King-

A male gynaecologist is like an auto mechanic who never owned a car.
-Carrie Snow-

My second favorite household chore is ironing.
My first being hitting my head on the top bunk bed until I faint.
-Erma Bombeck-

Old age ain't no place for sissies.
-Bette Davis- (Yeah? what about George Burns?)

A man's got to do what a man's got to do.
A woman must do what he can't.
-Rhonda Hansome-

Whatever women must do they must do twice as well as men to be thought half as good.
Luckily, this is not difficult.
-Charlotte Whitton-

I try to take one day at a time, but sometimes several days attack me at once.
-Jennifer Unlimited (?)-

If you can't be a good example, then you'll just have to be a horrible warning.
-Catherine Aird-

You see a lot of smart guys with dumb women, but you hardly ever see a smart woman with a dumb guy.
- Erica Jong-

I think---therefore I'm single.
-Lizz Winstead-

When women are depressed they either eat or go shopping.
Men invade another country.
-Elayne Boosler-

Behind every successful man is a surprised woman.
-Maryon Pearson

In politics, if you want anything said, ask a man.
--if you want anything done, ask a woman.
-Margaret Thatcher-

I have yet to hear a man ask for advice on how to combine marriage and a career.
-Gloria Steinem-

I never married, because there was no need. I have three pets at home which answer the same purpose as a husband.
I have a dog that growls every morning, a parrot that swears all afternoon, and a cat that comes home late every night.
-Marie Corelli-

If men can run the world, why can't they stop wearing neckties?
How intelligent is it to start the day by tying a noose around your neck?
-Linda Ellerbee-

Nobody can make you feel inferior without your permission.
-Eleanor Roosevelt-

I am a marvelous housekeeper.
Every time I leave a man I keep his house.
-Zsa Zsa Gabor-


Time We Start Cussing (Top)

A 6-year-old and a 4-year-old are upstairs in their bedroom. "You know what?" says the 6-year-old. "I think it's about time we start cussing."

The 4-year-old nods his head in approval.

The 6-year-old continues. "When we go downstairs for breakfast I'm gonna say "hell" and you say "ass."

"OK!" The 4 year old agrees with enthusiasm.

Their mother walks into the kitchen and asks the 6-year-old what he wants for breakfast.

"Aw hell, Mom, I guess I'll have some Cheerios."

WHACK! He flies out of his chair, tumbles across the kitchen floor, gets up, and runs upstairs crying his eyes out, with his mother in hot pursuit, slapping his rear every step. The mom locks him in his room and shouts "You can just stay there till I let you out!"

She then comes back downstairs, looks at the 4-year-old, and asks with a stern voice, "And what do YOU want for breakfast young man?"

"I don't know," he blubbers, "but you can bet your sweet ass it won't be Cheerios."


A Marine in Paris (Top)

The retired Marine had been out of military service for several years. He had established a furniture store in his home town and was doing quite well. He decided to expand the lines he carried by adding some expensive French furniture he knew no one else in town carried.

He scheduled a buying trip to France. The Marine's first day in Paris was very successful and he found a number of pieces he thought he could profitably sell back home. After the arrangements were made to begin shipping this furniture to the USA, he decided to celebrate with a glass of wine in a small sidewalk cafe. The place was jammed, but he managed to find an empty table.

About the time his wine arrived, a beautiful girl came by and motioned to the empty chair at his table with a questioning look. He assumed she wanted to sit with him and nodded his head "yes." The girl sat down with him.

The girl tried to talk to him, but he understood not one word of French. He tried to talk to her but she understood not one word of English. He got an idea. He took a napkin and drew a wine glass and a question mark. She nodded her head "yes." They sat quietly enjoying their wine.

When it was finished, the Marine realized it was nearly time for dinner. He took another napkin and drew a picture of two people at a table eating dinner. She nodded her head "yes" and took him by the hand and led him to a very nice restaurant. They went in. She spoke with the headwaiter and they were seated in a quiet corner where they could hear the band and see the dance floor. The Marine could not read the French menu, so he allowed her to order for him. The food was excellent and the couple enjoyed it.

After dinner, he took a napkin and drew a picture of a couple dancing. She nodded her head "yes" and they danced to every song the band played, fast or slow. When the band began to pack their instruments, the couple returned to their table. The girl took a napkin and reached for the Marine's pen. He handed it to her and she drew a picture of a four poster bed.

The Marine still wonders to this day how she knew he was in the furniture business.


A Good-Ole-Boy (Top)

A good-ole-boy staggered home late after another evening with his drinking buddies. Shoes in left hand to avoid waking his wife, he tiptoed as quietly as he could toward the stairs leading to their upstairs bedroom, but misjudged the bottom step in the darkened entryway. As he caught himself by grabbing the banister, his body swung around and he landed heavily on his rump. A whiskey bottle in each back pocket broke and made the landing especially painful. Managing to suppress a yelp, he sprung up, pulled down his pants and examined his lacerated and bleeding cheeks in the mirror of a nearby darkened hallway, then managed to find a large full box of bandaids before proceeding to place a patch as best he could on each place he saw blood. After hiding the now almost empty box, he managed to shuffle and stumble his way to bed.

Morning, he awakens with screaming pain in head and butt to find his wife staring at him from across the room, and hears her say: "You were drunk again last night!!!"

Forcing himself to ignore his agony, he looked meekly at her and replied: "Now, Hon, why would you say such a mean thing?"

"Well," she said, "there is the front door left open, the glass at the bottom of the stairs, the drops of blood trailing through the house, and your bloodshot eyes but, mostly.... it's all those band aids stuck on the downstairs mirror!"


Ever Wonder (Top)

EVER WONDER where we are headed ...

... why the sun lightens our hair, but darkens our skin?
... why women can't put on mascara with their mouth closed?
... why you don't ever see the headline "Psychic Wins Lottery"?
... why "abbreviated" is such a long word?
... why doctors call what they do "practice"?
... why you have to click on "Start" to stop Windows 98?
... why lemon juice is made with artificial flavour, while dishwashing liquid is made with real lemons?
... why the man who invests all your money is called a broker?
... why there isn't mouse-flavoured cat food?
... who tastes dog food when it has a "new & improved" flavour?
... why Noah didn't swat those two mosquitoes?
... why they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?
... Why they don't make the whole plane out of the material used for the indestructible black box?
... why sheep don't shrink when it rains?
... why they are called apartments when they are all stuck together?
... if con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress?
... why they call the airport 'the terminal" if flying is so safe?

AND...

In case you need further proof that the human race is doomed because of stupidity, here are some actual label instructions on consumer goods.

On a Myer hairdryer: Do not use while sleeping. (darn, and that's the only time I have to work on my hair).
On a bag of Chips: You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside. (the shoplifter special)?
On a bar of Palmolive soap: "Directions: Use like regular soap." (and that would be how???)
On some frozen dinners: "Serving suggestion: Defrost." (but, it's "just" a suggestion).
On Nanna's Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom): "Do not turn upside down." (well...Duh, a bit late, huh)!
On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding: "Product will be hot after heating." (...and you thought????...)
On packaging for a K-Mart iron: "Do not iron clothes on body." (but wouldn't this save me more time?)
On Boot's Children Cough Medicine:"Do not drive a car or operate machinery after taking this medication." (We could do a lot to reduce the rate of construction accidents if we could just get those 5-year-olds with head-colds off those forklifts.)
On Nytol Sleep Aid: "Warning: May cause drowsiness." (and...I'm taking this because??.)
On most brands of Christmas lights: "For indoor or outdoor use only." (as opposed to...what?)
On a Japanese food processor: "Not to be used for the other use." (now, somebody out there, help me on this. I'm a bit curious.)
On Nobby's peanuts: "Warning: contains nuts." (talk about a news flash!)
On an American Airlines packet of nuts: "Instructions: Open packet, eat nuts." (Step 3: maybe, uh... fly Delta?)
Don't blame the company. Blame the parents for this one: On a child's superman costume: "Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly."
On a Swedish chainsaw: "Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands or genitals." (...was there a lot of this happening somewhere?)


Thoughts of Famous People (Top)

I once had a rose named after me and I was very flattered. But I was not pleased to read the description in the catalogue:
" Not good in a bed, but fine up against a wall ".
~Eleanor Roosevelt

The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good ending; and have the two as close together as possible.

~George Burns

Santa Claus has the right idea .....visit people only once a year.
~Victor Borge

What would men be without women? Scarce, sir .. mighty scarce.
~Mark Twain

My wife is a sex object. Every time I ask for sex, she objects.
~Les Dawson

I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.
~Groucho Marx

My wife has a slight impediment in her speech. Every now and then she stops to breathe.
~Jimmy Durante

The male is a domestic animal which, if treated with firmness and kindness, can be trained to do most things.
~Jilly Cooper

I never hated a man enough to give his diamonds back.
~Zsa Zsa Gabor

Only Irish coffee provides in a single glass all four essential food groups: alcohol, caffeine, sugar and fat.
~Alex Levine

My luck is so bad that if I bought a cemetery, people would stop dying.
~Ed Furgol

Money can't buy you happiness, but it does bring you a more pleasant form of misery.
~Spike Milligan

I am opposed to millionaires, but it would be dangerous to offer me the position.
~Mark Twain

Until I was thirteen, I thought my name was 'shut up'.
~Joe Namath

Youth would be an ideal state if it came a little later in life.
~Herbert Henry Asquith

I don't feel old. I don't feel anything until noon. Then it's time for my nap.
~Bob Hope

We could certainly slow the aging process down if it had to work its way through Congress.
~Unknown

Don't worry about avoiding temptation... As you grow older, it will avoid you.
~Unknown

Maybe it's true that life begins at fifty. But...everything else starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out.
~Unknown

The cardiologist's diet: If it tastes good ... spit it out.
~Unknown

By the time a man is wise enough to watch his step, he's too old to go anywhere.
~Unknown


Language (Top)

A guy comes into a coffee shop and places his order. He says: "I want three flat tires, a pair of headlights, and a pair of running boards."

The waitress, not wanting to appear stupid, goes to the kitchen and says to the cook. "This guy out there just ordered three flat tires, a pair of headlights and a pair of running boards. What does he think, this is an auto parts store?"

"No" the cook says. "Three flats tires means three pancakes, a pair of headlights is two eggs sunny side up, and running boards is 2 slices crisp bacon."

"Oh," says the waitress. The waitress thinks about this and then she spoons up a bowl of beans and gives it to the customer.

The guy says, "What are the beans for?"

The waitress replies, "I thought while you were waiting for the flat tires, headlights and running boards, you might want to gas up."



New Southern Survivor Game (Top)

Due to the popularity of the Survivor shows, several southern tv stations are joining together and are planning to do their own, entitled "Survivor: Southern Style."

The contestants will start in Alabama, travel over to Georgia and on to South Carolina. From there they will head up to North Carolina and over to Tennessee. They will then proceed down to Mississippi and Louisiana. Finally ending up back over in Alabama. Each will be driving a pink Volvo with New Jersey license plates and large bumper stickers that read: I'm Gay, I'm a Vegetarian, NASCAR Sucks, Go Yankees!, Smoking is for Idiots, Hillary in 2004, Deer Hunting is Murder, and I'm Here to Confiscate Your Guns!

The first one that makes it back to Montgomery alive, wins.


Say What? (Top)

Two Reasons Why It's So Hard To Solve A Redneck Murder
1. All the DNA is the same.
2. There are no dental records.
__________

A blonde calls Delta Airlines and asks, "Can you tell me how long it'll take to fly from San Francisco to New York City?"
The agent replies, "Just a minute . . . "
"Thank you," the blonde says, and hangs up.
__________

Two Mexican detectives were investigating the murder of Juan Gonzalez. "How was he killed?" asked one detective.
"With a golf gun," the other detective replied.
"A golf gun?! What is a golf gun?"
"I don't know, but it sure made a hole in Juan."
__________

This guy has been sitting in a bar all night, staring at a blonde wearing the tightest pants he's ever seen. Finally his curiosity gets the best of him, so he walks over and asks, "How do you get into those pants?"
The young woman looks him over and replies, "Well, you could start by buying me a drink."
__________

Grandpa was driving with his 9 year old granddaughter and beeped the horn by mistake. She turned and looked at him for an explanation.
He said, "I did that by accident."
She replied, "I know that, Grandpa."
He replied, "How did you know?"
She said, "Because you didn't say "asshole!" after.


Not in Alabama (Top)

A father watched his daughter playing in the garden. He smiled as he reflected on how sweet and innocent his little girl was.

Suddenly she just stopped and stared at the ground.

He went over to her and noticed she was looking at two spiders mating.

"Daddy, what are those two spiders doing?" she asked.

"They're mating," her father replied.

"What do you call the spider on top, Daddy?" she asked.

"That's a Daddy Longlegs." Her father answered.

"So, the other one is Mommy Longlegs?" the little girl asked.

"No," her father replied. "Both of them are Daddy Longlegs."

The little girl thought for a moment, then took her foot and stomped them flat. "Well, that might be OK in California and Oregon, but we're not having any of that crap in ALABAMA.


When Will Guys EVER Learn? (Top)

Due to inherit a fortune when his sickly, widower father died, Charles decided he needed a woman to enjoy it with. Going to a singles' bar, he spotted a woman whose beauty took his breath away. "I'm just an ordinary man," he said, walking up to her, "but in just a week or two, my father will die and I'll inherit 20 million dollars."

The woman went home with Charles, and the next day she became his stepmother.


I wish for you... (Top)

Comfort on difficult days,

Smiles when sadness intrudes,

Rainbows to follow the clouds,

Laughter to kiss your lips,

Sunsets to warm your heart,

Gentle hugs when spirits sag,

Friendships to brighten your being,

Beauty for your eyes to see,

Confidence for when you doubt,

Faith so that you can believe,

Courage to know yourself,

Patience to accept the truth,

And love to complete your life.

God Bless you!

I asked the Lord to bless you

As I prayed for you today,

To guide you and protect you

As you go along your way,

His love is always with you

His promises are true

No matter what the tribulation

You know He will see us through

So, when the road you're traveling on

Seems difficult at best

Give your problems to the Lord

And God will do the rest.


True Doctor Stories (Top)

A man comes into the ER and yells, "My wife's going to have her baby in the cab!"

I grabbed my stuff, rushed out to the cab, lifted the lady's dress and began to take off her underwear. Suddenly I noticed that there were several cabs, and I was in the wrong one.

--Dr. Mark MacDonald, San Antonio, TX

~~~ ** ~~~

At the beginning of my shift I placed a stethoscope on an elderly and slightly deaf female patient's anterior chest wall. Big breaths," I instructed.

"Yes, they used to be," remorsefully replied the patient.

--Dr. Richard Byrnes, Seattle, WA

~~~ ** ~~~

One day I had to be the bearer of bad news when I told a wife that her husband had died of a massive myocardial infarct. Not more than five minutes later, I heard her reporting to the rest of the family that he had died of a "massive internal fart."

--Dr. Susan Steinberg, Manitoba, Canada

~~~ ** ~~~

I was performing a complete physical, including the visual acuity test. I placed the patient twenty feet from the chart and began, "Cover your right eye with your hand." He read the 20/20 line perfectly.

"Now your left." Again, a flawless read.

"Now both," I requested. There was silence. He couldn't even read the large E on the top line. I turned and discovered that he had done exactly what I had asked; he was standing there with both his eyes covered. I was laughing too hard to finish the exam.

--Dr. Matthew Theodropolous, Worcester, MA

~~~ ** ~~~

During a patient's two week follow-up appointment with his cardiologist, he informed me, his doctor, that he was having trouble with one of his medications. "Which one?" I asked.

"The patch. The nurse told me to put on a new one every six hours and now I'm running out of places to put it!"

I had him quickly undress and discovered what I hoped I wouldn't see. Yes, the man had over fifty patches on his body! Now the instructions include removal of the old patch before applying a new one.

--Dr. Rebecca St. Clair, Norfolk, VA

~~~ ** ~~~

While acquainting myself with a new elderly patient, I asked, "How long have you been bed-ridden?"

After a look of complete confusion she answered. Why, not for about twenty years -- when my husband was alive."

--Dr. Steven Swanson, Corvallis, OR

~~~ ** ~~~

I was caring for a woman from Kentucky and asked, "So, how's your breakfast this morning?"

"It's very good, except for the Kentucky Jelly. I can't seem to get used to the taste," the patient replied.

I then asked to see the jelly and the woman produced a foil packet labeled "KY Jelly."

--Dr. Leonard Kransdorf, Detroit, MI

~~~ ** ~~~

And Finally . . . .

A new, young MD doing his residency in OB was quite embarrassed performing female pelvic exams. To cover his embarrassment he had unconsciously formed a habit of whistling softly.

The middle aged lady upon whom he was performing this exam suddenly burst out laughing and further embarrassed him.

He looked up from his work and sheepishly said, "I'm sorry. Was I tickling you?"

She replied, "No doctor, but the song you were whistling was 'I wish I was an Oscar Meyer Wiener'."

--won't admit his name


You Are So Blessed! (Top)

If you woke up this morning with more health than illness,
you are more blessed than the million who won't survive the week.

If you have never experienced the danger of battle, the loneliness of imprisonment, the agony of torture or the pangs of starvation,
you are ahead of 20 million people around the world.

If you attend a church meeting without fear of harassment, arrest, torture, or death,
you are more blessed than almost three billion people in the world.

If you have food in your refrigerator, clothes on your back, a roof over your head and a place to sleep,
you are richer than 75% of this world.

If you have money in the bank, in your wallet, and spare change in a dish someplace,
you are among the top 8% of the world's wealthy.

If your parents are still married and alive, you are very rare, especially in the United States.

If you hold up your head with a smile on your face and are truly thankful,
you are blessed because the majority can, but most do not.

If you can hold someone's hand, hug them or even touch them on the shoulder,
you are blessed because you can offer God's healing touch.

If you can read this message,
you are more blessed than over two billion people in the world that cannot read anything at all.

You are so blessed in ways you may never even know.

Blessings to You!


What if God Decided... (Top)

What if God decided to stop leading us tomorrow because we didn't follow Him today?

What if God couldn't take the time to bless us today because we couldn't take the time to thank Him yesterday?

What if we never saw another flower bloom because we grumbled when God sent the rain?

What if God didn't walk with us today because we failed to recognize it as His day?

What if God took away the Bible tomorrow because we would not read it today?

What if God took away His message because we failed to listen to the messenger?

What if God hadn't send His only begotten Son because He wanted us to be prepared to pay the price for sin?

What if the door of the church was closed because we did not open the door of our heart?

What if God stopped loving and caring for us because we failed to love and care for others?

What if God would not hear us today because we would not listen to Him?

What if God answered our prayers the way we answer His call to service?

What if God met our needs the way we give Him our lives???


Chain Letters (Top)

To all my friends, THANKS to YOU for sending ME CHAIN LETTERS in 2003:

* I stopped drinking Coca Cola after I found out that it's good for removing toilet stains.

* I stopped going to the movies for fear of sitting on a needle infected with AIDS.

* I smell like a goat since I stopped using deodorants because they cause cancer.

* I don't leave my car in the parking lot or any other place and sometimes I even have to walk about 7 blocks for fear that someone will drug me with a perfume sample and try to rob me.

* I also stopped answering the phone for fear that they ask me to dial a stupid number and then I get a phone bill from hell with calls to Uganda, Singapore and Bangalore.

* I stopped consuming several foods for fear that the estrogens they contain may turn me gay.

* I also stopped eating chicken and hamburgers because they are nothing other than horrible mutant freaks with no eyes or feathers that are bred in a lab so that places like McDonalds can sell their Big Macs.

* I also stopped drinking anything out of a can for fear that I will get sick from the rat feces and urine.

* I think I'm turning gay because when I go to parties, I don't look at any girl no matter how hot she is, for fear that she will take my kidneys and leave me taking a nap in a bathtub full of ice.

* I also donated all my savings to the Amy Bruce account. A sick girl that was about to die in the hospital about 7,000 times. Funny that girl, she's been 7 since 1993...

* I went bankrupt from bounced checks that I made expecting the $15,000 that Microsoft and AOL were supposed to send me when I participated in their special e-mail program.

* My Ericcson phone never arrived and neither did the passes for a paid vacation to Disneyland.

* But I am positive that all this is the cause of a stinking chain that I broke or forgot to follow and I got a curse from hell.

IMPORTANT NOTE:
If you don't send this e-mail to at least 1200 people in the next 10 seconds, a bird will crap on you today at 7pm.


The Logic of Children (Top)

Give me a sentence about a public servant," said a teacher.
A small boy wrote: "The fireman came down the ladder pregnant."
The teacher took the lad aside to correct him. "Don't you know what pregnant means ?" she asked.
"Sure," said the young boy confidently. "It means carrying a child."

"§"·.,¸¸,.·´¯`·.,¸¸,.·´¯`·.,¸¸,.·´¯`·.,¸¸,.·´¯`·."

A grandmother was surprised by her 7-year-old grandson one morning. He had made her coffee. She drank what was the worst cup of coffee in her life. When she got to the bottom, there were three of those little green army men in the cup.
She said, "Honey, what are the army men doing in my coffee?"
Her grandson said, "Grandma, it says on TV - 'The best part of waking up is soldiers in your cup!"

"§"·.,¸¸,.·´¯`·.,¸¸,.·´¯`·.,¸¸,.·´¯`·.,¸¸,.·´¯`·."

Susie Sunshine asked her Sunday School class to draw pictures of their favorite Bible stories. She was puzzled by Jimmy's picture which showed four people on an airplane, so she asked him which story it was meant to represent.
"The flight to Egypt," said Jimmy.
"I see . . . and that must be Mary, Joseph, and Baby Jesus," Ms. Susie said. "But who's the fourth person?"
"Oh, that's Pontius the Pilot."

"§"·.,¸¸,.·´¯`·.,¸¸,.·´¯`·.,¸¸,.·´¯`·.,¸¸,.·´¯`·."

A nursery school teacher was delivering a station wagon full of kids home one day when a fire truck zoomed past. Sitting in the front seat of the fire truck was a Dalmatian dog. The children started discussing the dog's duties.
"They use him to keep crowds back," said one youngster.
"No," said another, "he's just for good luck."
A third child brought the argument to a close.
"They use the dogs," she said firmly, "to find the fire hydrant."

"§"·.,¸¸,.·´¯`·.,¸¸,.·´¯`·.,¸¸,.·´¯`·.,¸¸,.·´¯`·."

Little Johnny watched, fascinated, as his mother smoothed cold cream on her face.
"Why do you do that, Mommy?" he asked.
"To make myself beautiful," said his mother, who then began removing the cream with a tissue.
"What's the matter?" asked Little Johnny. "Giving up already?"


Road Rage
(Top)

An honest man is being tailgated by a stressed-out woman on a busy boulevard. Suddenly, the light turns yellow, just in front of him. He does the honest thing, and stops at the crosswalk, even though he could have beaten the red light by accelerating through the intersection. The tailgating woman hits the roof, and the horn, screaming in frustration as she misses her chance to get through the intersection with him.

As she is still in mid-rant, she hears a tap on her window and looks up into the face of a very serious police officer. The officer orders her to exit her car with her hands up. He takes her to the police station where she is searched, fingerprinted, photographed, and placed in a cell.

After a couple of hours, a policeman approaches the cell and opens the door. She is escorted back to the booking desk where the arresting officer is waiting with her personal effects.

He says, "I'm very sorry for this mistake. You see, I pulled up behind your car while you were blowing your horn, flipping the guy off in front of you, and cussing a blue streak at him. I noticed the 'Choose Life' license plate holder, the 'What Would Jesus Do' bumper sticker, the 'Follow Me to Sunday School' bumper sticker, and the chrome plated Christian fish emblem on the trunk."

"Naturally I assumed you had stolen the car."


Texas Farmer (Top)

A man owned a small farm in West Texas. The Wage and Hour Department of Texas claimed he was not paying proper wages to his help and sent an agent to interview him. "I need a list of your employees and how much you pay them," demanded the agent.

"Well, there's my hired hand who's been with me for 3 years. I pay him $600 a week plus free room and board. The cook has been here for 18 months, and I pay her $500 a month plus free room and board. Then there's the half-wit that works about 18 hours a day. He makes $10 a week and I buy him chewing tobacco," replied the farmer.

"That's the guy I want to talk to, the half-wit," says the agent.

The farmer says, "That would be me."


So You Think You Know Everything?
(Top)

A dime has 118 ridges around the edge.
A cat has 32 muscles in each ear.
A crocodile cannot stick out its tongue.
A dragonfly has a life span of 24 hours.
A goldfish has a memory span of three seconds.
A "jiffy" is an actual unit of time for 1/100th of a second.
A shark is the only fish that can blink with both eyes.
A snail can sleep for three years.
Al Capone's business card said he was a used furniture dealer.
All 50 states are listed across the top of the Lincoln Memorial on the back of the $5 bill.
Almonds are a member of the peach family.
An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.
Babies are born without kneecaps. They don't appear until the child reaches 2 to 6 years of age.
Butterflies taste with their feet.
Cats have over one hundred vocal sounds. Dogs only have about 10.
"Dreamt" is the only English word that ends in the letters "mt".
February 1865 is the only month in recorded history not to have a full moon.
In the last 4,000 years, no new animals have been domesticated.
If the population of China walked past you, in single file, the line would never end because of the rate of reproduction.
If you are an average American, in your whole life, you will spend an average of 6 months waiting at red lights.
It's impossible to sneeze with your eyes open.
Leonardo da Vinci invented the scissors.
Maine is the only state whose name is just one syllable.
No word in the English language rhymes with month, orange, silver, or purple.
On a Canadian two dollar bill, the flag flying over the Parliament building is an American flag.
Our eyes are always the same size from birth, but our nose and ears never stop growing.
Peanuts are one of the ingredients of dynamite.
Rubber bands last longer when refrigerated.
"Stewardesses" is the longest word typed with only the left hand and "lollipop" with your right.
The average person's left hand does 56% of the typing. The cruise liner, QE2, moves only six inches for each gallon of diesel that it burns.
The microwave was invented after a researcher walked by a radar tube and a chocolate bar melted in his pocket.
The sentence: "The quick brown fox jumps over the lazy dog" uses every letter of the alphabet.
The winter of 1932 was so cold that Niagara Falls froze completely solid.
The words 'racecar,' 'kayak' and 'level' are the same whether they are read left to right or right to left (palindromes).
There are 293 ways to make change for a dollar.
There are more chickens than people in the world.
There are only four words in the English language which end in "dous": tremendous, horrendous, stupendous, and hazardous.
There are two words in the English language that have all five vowels in order: "abstemious" and "facetious."
There's no Betty Rubble in the Flintstones Chewables Vitamins.
Tigers have striped skin, not just striped fur.
TYPEWRITER is the longest word that can be made using the letters only on one row of the keyboard.
Winston Churchill was born in a ladies' room during a dance.
Women blink nearly twice as much as men.
Your stomach has to produce a new layer of mucus every two weeks; otherwise it will digest itself.

<<<-- Now you know everything -- >>

Explanation of God by Children
(Top)

"One of God's main jobs is making people. He makes them to replace the ones that die, so there will be enough people to take care of things on earth.

He doesn't make grownups, just babies. I think because they are smaller and easier to make. That way he doesn't have to take up his valuable time teaching them to talk and walk. He can just leave that to mothers and fathers."

"God's second most important job is listening to prayers. An awful lot of this goes on, since some people, like preachers and things, pray at times beside bedtime. God doesn't have time to listen to the radio or TV because of this. Because he hears everything, there must be a terrible lot of noise in his ears, unless he has thought of a way to turn it off."

"God sees everything and hears everything and is everywhere which keeps Him pretty busy. So you shouldn't go wasting his time by going over your mom and dad's head asking for something they said you couldn't have."

"Atheists are people who don't believe in God. I don't think there are any in Chula Vista. At least there aren't any who come to our church."

"Jesus is God's Son. He used to do all the hard work like walking on water and performing miracles and trying to teach the people who didn't want to learn about God. They finally got tired of him preaching to them and they crucified Him. But He was good and kind, like his father, and he told His Father that they didn't know what they were doing and to forgive them and God said O.K."

"His dad (God) appreciated everything that he had done and all his hard work on earth so he told him he didn't have to go out on the road anymore. He could stay in heaven. So he did and now he helps his Dad out by listening to prayers and seeing things which are important for God to take care of and which ones he can take care of himself without having to bother God. Like a secretary, only more important."

"You can pray anytime you want and they are sure to help you because they got it worked out so one of them is on duty all the time."

"You should always go to church on Sunday because it makes God happy, and if there's anybody you want to make happy, it's God.

Don't skip church or do something you think will be more fun like going to the beach . This is wrong. And besides the sun doesn't come out until noon anyway."

"If you don't believe in God, besides being an atheist, you will be very lonely, because your parents can't go everywhere with you, like to camp, but God can. It is good to know He's around you when you're scared, in the dark or when you can't swim and you get thrown into real deep water by big kids."

"But...you shouldn't just always think of what God can do for you. I figure God put me here and he can take me back anytime he pleases. And...that's why I believe in God."


Thank God for Children Saying Grace...

Last week I took my children to a restaurant. My six-year-old son asked if he could say grace. As we bowed our heads he said, "God is good,God is great. Thank you for the food, and I would even thank you more if Mom gets us ice cream for dessert. And Liberty and justice for all! Amen!"

Along with the laughter from the other customers nearby I heard a woman remark, "That's what's wrong with this country. Kids today don't even know how to pray. Asking God for ice cream! Why, I never!"

Hearing this, my son burst into tears and asked me, "Did I do it wrong? Is God mad at me?"

As I held him and assured him that he had done a terrific job and God was certainly not mad at him, an elderly gentleman approached the table. He winked at my son and said, "I happen to know that God thought that was a great prayer.

"Really?" my son asked.

"Cross my heart," the man replied. Then in a theatrical whisper he added (indicating the woman whose remark had started this whole thing), " Too bad she never asks God for ice cream. A little ice cream is good for the soul sometimes."

Naturally, I bought my kids ice cream at the end of the meal. My son stared at his for a moment and then did something I will remember the rest of my life. He picked up his sundae and without a word, walked over and placed it in front of the woman. With a big smile he told her, "Here, this is for you. Ice cream is good for the soul sometimes; and my soul is good already."


De frog and de snake (Top)

Boudreaux been fish'n down by de bayou all day an he done run outa night crawlers. He be bout reddy to leave when he seen a snake wit a big frog in his mouf. He knowed dat dem big bass fish like frogs, so he decided to steal dat froggie. Dat snake, he be a cotton moufed water moccasin so he had to be real careful or he'd get bit. He snuk up behine de snake and grabbed him roun de haid. Dat ole snake din't lak dat one bit. He squirmed and wrapped hisself roun Boudreaux's arm try'n to get hisself free. But Boudreaux, him, had a real good grip on his haid, yeh.

Well, Boudreaux pried his mouf open and got de frog and puts it in his bait can. Now, Boudreaux knows dat he cain't let go dat snake or his gonna bite him good, but he had a plan. He reach into de back pocket of his bib overhauls and pulls out a pint a moonshine likker. He pour some drops into de snakes mouf. Well, dat snake's eyeballs roll back in his haid and his body go limp. Wit dat Boudreaux toss dat snake into de bayou. Den he goes back to fishin'.

A while later Boudreaux dun feel sumpin tappin' on his barefoot toe. He slowly look down and dare dat water moccasin was with two more frogs.


Scrabble (Top)

GEORGE BUSH: When you rearrange the letters: HE BUGS GORE

DORMITORY: When you rearrange the letters: DIRTY ROOM

EVANGELIST: When you rearrange the letters: EVIL'S AGENT

PRESBYTERIAN: When you rearrange the letters: BEST IN PRAYER

DESPERATION: When you rearrange the letters: A ROPE ENDS IT

THE MORSE CODE: When you rearrange the letters: HERE COME DOTS

SLOT MACHINES: When you rearrange the letters: CASH LOST IN ME

ANIMOSITY: When you rearrange the letters: IS NO AMITY

MOTHER-IN-LAW: When you rearrange the letters: WOMAN HITLER

SNOOZE ALARMS: When you rearrange the letters: ALAS! NO MORE Z'S

A DECIMAL POINT: When you rearrange the letters: I'M A DOT IN PLACE

THE EARTHQUAKES: When you rearrange the letters: THAT QUEER SHAKE

ELEVEN PLUS TWO: When you rearrange the letters: TWELVE PLUS ONE


Why Wait? (Top)

Too many people put off something that brings them joy just because they haven't thought about it, don't have it on their schedule, didn't know it was coming or are too rigid to depart from their routine.

I got to thinking one day about all those women on the Titanic who passed up dessert at dinner that fateful night in an effort to cut back. From then on, I've tried to be a little more flexible.

How many women out there will eat at home because their husband didn't suggest going out to dinner until after something had been thawed? Does the word "refrigeration" mean nothing to you?

How often have your kids dropped in to talk and sat in silence while you watched 'Jeopardy' on television?

I cannot count the times I called my sister and said, "How about going to lunch in a half hour?" She would gas up and stammer, "I can't. I have clothes on the line. My hair is dirty. I wish I had known yesterday, I had a late breakfast, It looks like rain." And my personal favorite:"It's Monday." ...She died a few years ago. We never did have lunch together.

Because we cram so much into their lives, we tend to schedule our headaches.. We live on a sparse diet of promises we make to ourselves when all the conditions are perfect!

We'll go back and visit the grandparents when we get Stevie toilet-trained. We'll entertain when we replace the living-room carpet. We'll go on a second honeymoon when we get two more kids out of college.

Life has a way of accelerating as we get older. The days get shorter, and the list of promises to ourselves gets longer. One morning, we awaken, and all we have to show for our lives is a litany of "I'm going to,""I plan on," and "Someday, when things are settled down a bit."

When anyone calls my 'seize the moment' friend, she is open to adventure and available for trips. She keeps an open mind on new ideas. Her enthusiasm for life is contagious. You talk with her for five minutes, and you're ready to trade your bad feet for a pair of rollerblades and skip an elevator for a bungee cord.

My lips have not touched ice cream in 10 years. I love ice cream. It's just that I might as well apply it directly to my stomach with a spatula and eliminate the digestive process. The other day, I stopped the car and bought a triple-decker. If my car had hit an iceberg on the way home, I would have died happy.

Now...go on and have a nice day. Do something you WANT to......not something on your SHOULD DO list. If you were going to die soon and had only one phone call you could make, who would you call and what would you say? And why are you waiting?

Have you ever watched kids playing on a merry go round or listened to the rain lapping on the ground?

Ever followed a butterfly's erratic flight or gazed at the sun into the fading night?

Do you run through each day on the fly? When you ask "How are you?" Do you hear the reply?

When the day is done, do you lie in your bed with the next hundred chores running through your head?

Have you ever told your child, "We'll do it tomorrow," and in your haste, not see his sorrow?

Ever lost touch? Let a good friendship die? Just call to say "Hi"?

When you worry and hurry through your day, it is like an unopened gift....Thrown away... Life is not a race. Take it slower. Hear the music before the song is over.

Cherish you friends.

Life may not be the party we hoped for... but while we are here we might as well dance!


A Good Day For Fishing (Top)

A young guy from Texas moves to California and goes to a big mega-department store looking for a job. The manager says, "Do you have any sales experience?"

The kid says, "Yeah, I was a salesman back home in Texas."

Well, the boss liked the kid so he gave him the job. "You can start tomorrow. I'll come down after we close and see how you did."

His first day on the job was rough, but he got through it. After the store was locked up, the boss came down. "How many sales did you make today?" the boss asked.

The kid says, "One."

The boss says, "Just one? Our sales people average 20 to 30 sales a day. How much was the sale for?"

The kid says, "$101,237.64."

The boss says, $101,237.64? What the hell did you sell?"

The kid says, "First I sold him a small fish hook. Then I sold him a medium fish hook. Then I sold him a larger fish hook. Then I sold him a new fishing rod. Then I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down the coast, so I told him he was going to need a boat, so we went down to the boat department and I sold him that twin engine Chris Craft. Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to the automotive department and sold him that 4 x 4 Blazer."

The boss said, "A guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a boat and truck?"

The kid says, "No, he came in here to buy a box of tampons for his wife and I said, "Well, your weekend's shot -- you might as well go fishing."

This is a salesman!


The Itsy Bitsy Spider (Top)

The itsy bitsy spider ran up the waterspout,
Down came the rain and washed the spider out,
Up came the sun and dried up all the rain,
The itsy bitsy spider ran up the spout again.


The Good Cat (Top)

A cat died and went to heaven. God met her at the Golden Gate and said,"You have been a good cat all of these years. Anything you want is yours for the asking".

The cat thought a minute and then said, "All my life I lived on a farm and slept on hard, wooden floors. I would like a real fluffy pillow to sleep on."

God said, "Say no more". Instantly, the cat had a huge fluffy pillow.

A few days later, six mice were killed in an accident, and they all went to heaven together. God met the mice at the gates of heaven with the same offer that He made to the cat.

The mice said, "Well, we have had to run all of our lives from cats, dogs, and even people with brooms. If we could just have some little roller skates, we would never have to run again".

God answered, "It is done". All the mice had beautiful little roller skates.

About a week later, God decided to check on the cat. He found her sound asleep on her fluffy pillow. God gently awakened the cat and asked, "Is everything ok? How have you been doing" Are you happy?"

The cat replied, "Oh, it is WONDERFUL. I have never been so happy in my life! My pillow is fluffy, and those little Meals-on-Wheels you've been sending over are delicious!"


Fender Skirts (Top)

What a great blast from the past! I haven't thought about fender skirts in years. When I was a kid,I considered it such a funny term. Made me think of a car in a dress.

Thinking about fender skirts started me thinking about other words that quietly disappear from our language with hardly a notice. Like "curb feelers" and "steering knobs." Since I'd been thinking of cars, my mind naturally went that direction first. Any kids will probably have to find some elderly person over 50 to explain some of these terms to you.

Remember "Continental kits?" They were rear bumper extenders and spare tire covers that were supposed to make any car as cool as a Lincoln Continental.

When did we quit calling them "emergency brakes?" At some point "parking brake" became the proper term. But I miss the hint of drama that went with "emergency brake." I'm sad, too, that almost all the old folks are gone who would call the accelerator the "foot feed."

Here's a phrase I heard all the time in my youth but never anymore - "store-bought." Of course, just about everything is store-bought these days. But once it was bragging material to have a store-bought dress or a store-bought bag of candy.

"Coast to coast" is a phrase that once held all sorts of excitement and now means almost nothing. Now we take the term "worldwide" for granted. This floors me.

On a smaller scale, "wall-to-wall" was once a magical term in our homes. In the '50s, everyone covered their hardwood floors with, wow, wall-to-wall carpeting! Today, everyone replaces their wall-to-wall carpeting with hardwood floors. Go figure.

When's the last time you heard the quaint phrase "in a family way?" It's hard to imagine that the word "pregnant" was once considered a little too graphic, a little too clinical for use in polite company. So we had all that talk about stork visits and "being in a family way" or simply "expecting." Apparently "brassiere" is a word no longer in usage. I said it the other day and my daughter cracked up. I guess it's just "bra" now. "Unmentionables" probably wouldn't be understood at all.

It's hard to recall that this word was once said in a whisper - "divorce." And no one is called a "divorcee" anymore. Certainly not a "gay divorcee." Come to think of it, "confirmed bachelors" and "career girls" are long gone, too.

Most of these words go back to the '50s, but here's a pure-'60s word I came across the other day - "rat fink." Ooh, what a nasty put-down!

Here's a word I miss - "percolator." That was just a fun word to say. And what was it replaced with? "Coffeemaker." How dull. Mr. Coffee, I blame you for this.

I miss those made-up marketing words that were meant to sound so modern and now sound so retro. Words like "DynaFlow" and "ElectraLux." Introducing the 1963 Admiral TV, now with "SpectraVision!"

Food for thought - Was there a telethon that wiped out lumbago? Nobody complains of that anymore. Maybe that's what castor oil cured, because I never hear mothers threatening their kids with castor oil anymore.

Some words aren't gone, but are definitely on the endangered list. The one that grieves me most - "supper." Now everybody says "dinner". Save a great word. Invite someone to "supper." Discuss fender skirts.


Is this 832-4821? (Top)

A woman suspects her husband is cheating on her. One day she calls home and a strange woman answers.

WIFE: Who is this?

MAID: This is the maid.

WIFE: We don't have a maid.

MAID: I was hired this morning by the man of the house.

WIFE: Well, this is his wife. Is he there?

MAID: He's upstairs in the bedroom with someone who I assumed was his wife. The wife is fuming. She says to the maid, "Listen, would you like to make $50,000? "

MAID: Of course! What will I have to do?

WIFE: I want you to take my gun from the desk and shoot him and the woman he's with.

The maid puts the phone down. The wife hears footsteps, then gunshots, then more footsteps.

MAID: What do I do with the bodies?

WIFE: Just drag them out and throw them in the swimming pool.

MAID: There's no pool here.

A long pause ... ...




WIFE: Is this 832-4821?


Cancel Your Credit Cards (Top)

In handling my late aunt's estate, I found that CitiBank had billed her for February and March for their monthly service charge on her credit card, and then added late fees and interest on the monthly charge...the balance had been $0.00... now was somewhere around $60.00.

I placed the following phone call to CitiBank:

Me: "I am calling to tell you that she died in January."
CitiBank: "The account was never closed and the late fees and charges still apply."

Me: "Maybe, you should turn it over to collections..."
CitiBank: "Since it is two months past due, it already has been."

Me: "So, what will they do when they find out she is dead?"
CitiBank: "Either report her account to the frauds division, or report her to the credit bureau...maybe both!"

Me: "Do you think God will be mad at her?"
CitiBank: "Excuse me?"

Me: "Did you just get what I was telling you....the part about her being dead?"
CitiBank: "Sir, you'll have to speak to my supervisor!"

(Supervisor gets on the phone)

Me: "I'm calling to tell you, she died in January."
CitiBank: "The account was never closed and the late fees and charges still apply."

Me: "You mean you want to collect from her estate?"
CitiBank: "... (stammer)" .. "Are you her lawyer?"

Me: "No, I'm her great nephew." (Lawyer info given... )
CitiBank: "Could you fax us a certificate of death?"

Me: "Sure." (Fax number is given)
(After they get the fax)
CitiBank: "Our system just isn't setup for death..."

Me: "Oh..."
CitiBank: "I don't know what more I can do to help..."

Me: "Well... if you figure it out, great! If not, you could just keep billing her...I suppose...don't really think she will care...."
CitiBank: "Well...the late fees and charges do still apply."

Me: "'Would you like her new billing address?"
CitiBank: "That might help."

Me: "Odessa Memorial Cemetery (address and plot number given. )
CitiBank: "Sir, that's a cemetery!"

Me: "What do you do with dead people on your planet?!"

Motto: Be sure and cancel your credit cards before you die.


I've learned.... (Top)

I've learned....
That life is like a roll of toilet paper. The closer it gets to the end, the faster it goes.

I've learned....
That we should be glad God doesn't give us everything we ask for.

I've learned....
That money doesn't buy class.

I've learned....
That under everyone's hard shell is someone who wants to be appreciated and loved.

I've learned....
That the Lord didn't do it all in one day. What makes me think I can?

I've learned....
That to ignore the facts does not change the facts.

I've learned....
That when you plan to get even with someone, you are only letting that person continue to hurt you.

I've learned....
That love, not time, heals all wounds.

I've learned....
That the easiest way for me to grow as a person is to surround myself with people smarter than I am.

I've learned....
That everyone you meet deserves to be greeted with a smile.

I've learned....
That there's nothing sweeter than sleeping with your babies and feeling their breath on your cheeks.

I've learned....
That no one is perfect until you fall in love with them.

I've learned....
That life is tough, but I'm tougher.

I've learned....
That opportunities are never lost; someone will take the ones you miss.

I've learned....
That when you harbor bitterness, happiness will dock elsewhere.

I've learned....
That I wish I could have told my Mom that I love her one more time before she passed away.

I've learned....
That one should keep his words both soft and tender, because tomorrow he may have to eat them.

I've learned....
That a smile is an inexpensive way to improve your looks.

I've learned....
That I can't choose how I feel, but I can choose what I do about it.

I've learned....
That when your newly born child holds your little finger in his little fist, that you're hooked for life.

I've learned....
That everyone wants to live on top of the mountain, but all the happiness and growth occurs while you're climbing it.

I've learned....
That it is best to give advice in only two circumstances; when it is requested and when it is a life threatening situation.

I've learned....
That the less time I have to work with, the more things I get done.


Biology Test (Top)

Students in an advanced biology class were taking a mid term. The last question was "Name seven advantages of mothers milk," worth 70 points or none at all.
One student who had also partied the night before, was hard put to think of seven advantages.

He finally wrote:

1. It is a perfect formula for the child.
2. It provides immunity against several diseases.
3. It is always available as needed.
4. It is always at the right temperature.
5. It is inexpensive.
6. It bonds the child to the mother, and vice versa.

And then, the student was stuck. Finally, just before the bell indicating the end of the test rang, he wrote...........................

7. It comes in such cute containers.

He got an "A".


Funny Skies (Top)

**On a Southwest flight (SW has no assigned seating, you just sit where you want) passengers were apparently having a hard time choosing, when a flight attendant announced, "People, people we're not picking out furniture here, find a seat and get in it!"

**On a Continental Flight with a very "senior" flight attendant crew, the pilot said, "Ladies and gentlemen, we've reached cruising altitude and will be turning down the cabin lights. This is for your comfort and to enhance the appearance of your flight attendants."

**On landing, the stewardess said, "Please be sure to take all of your belongings. If you're going to leave anything, please make sure it's something we'd like to have."

**There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4 ways out of this airplane"

**"Thank you for flying Delta Business Express. We hope you enjoyed giving us the business as much as we enjoyed taking you for a ride."

**As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at Ronald Reagan, a lone voice came over the loudspeaker: "Whoa, big fella. WHOA!"

**After a particularly rough landing during thunderstorms in Memphis, flight attendant on a Northwest flight announced, "Please take care when opening the overhead compartments because, after a landing like that, sure as hell everything has shifted."

**From a Southwest Airlines employee: "Welcome aboard Southwest Flight 245 to Tampa. To operate your seat belt, insert the metal tab into the buckle, and pull tight. It works just like every other seat belt; and, if you don't know how to operate one, you probably shouldn't be out in public unsupervised."

**"In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, masks will descend from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your face. If you have a small child traveling with you, secure your mask before assisting with theirs. If you are traveling with more than one small child, pick your favorite."

**"Weather at our destination is 50 degrees with some broken clouds, but we'll try to have them fixed before we arrive. Thank you, and remember, nobody loves you, or your money, more than Southwest Airlines."

**"Your seat cushions can be used for flotation; and, in the event of an emergency water landing, please paddle to shore and take them with our compliments."

**"As you exit the plane, make sure to gather all of your belongings. Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the flight attendants. Please do not leave children or spouses."

**And from the pilot during his welcome message: "Delta Airlines is pleased to have some of the best flight attendants in the industry. Unfortunately, none of them are on this flight!"

**Heard on Southwest Airlines just after a very hard landing in Salt Lake City: The flight attendant came on the intercom and said, "That was quite a bump, and I know what y'all are thinking. I'm here to tell you it wasn't the airline's fault, it wasn't the pilot's fault, it wasn't the flight attendant's fault, it was the asphalt."

**Overheard on an American Airlines flight into Amarillo, Texas, one particularly windy and bumpy day: During the final approach, the Captain was really having to fight it. After an extremely hard landing, the Flight Attendant said, "Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to Amarillo. Please remain in your seats with your seat belts fastened while the Captain taxis what's left of our airplane to the gate!"

**Another flight attendant's comment on a less than perfect landing: "We ask you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the terminal."

**An airline pilot wrote that on this particular flight he had hammered his ship into the runway really hard. The airline had a policy which required the first officer to stand at the door while the passengers exited, smile, and give them a "Thanks for flying our airline." He said that, in light of his bad landing, he had a hard time looking the passengers in the eye, thinking that someone would have a smart comment. Finally everyone had gotten off except for a little old lady walking with a cane. She said, "Sir, do you mind if I ask you a question?"
"Why, no, Ma'am," said the pilot. "What is it?"
The little old lady said, "Did we land, or were we shot down?"

**After a real crusher of a landing in Phoenix, the attendant came on with, "Ladies and Gentlemen, please remain in your seats until Capt. Crash and the Crew have brought the aircraft to a screeching halt against the gate. And, once the tire smoke has cleared and the warning bells are silenced, we'll open the door and you can pick your way through the wreckage to the terminal."

**Part of a flight attendant's arrival announcement: "We'd like to thank you folks for flying with us today. And, the next time you get the insane urge to go blasting through the skies in a pressurized metal tube, we hope you'll think of US Airways."

**Heard on a Southwest Airline flight. "Ladies and gentlemen, if you wish to smoke, the smoking section on this airplane is on the wing and if you can light 'em, you can smoke 'em."

**A plane was taking off from Kennedy Airport. After it reached comfortable cruising altitude, the captain made an announcement over the intercom, "Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. Welcome to Flight Number 293, nonstop from New York to Los Angeles. The weather ahead is good and, therefore, we should have a smooth and uneventful flight. Now sit back and relax...
OH, MY GOD!" Silence followed, and after a few minutes, the captain came back on the intercom and said,
"Ladies and Gentlemen, I am so sorry if I scared you earlier. While I was talking to you, the flight attendant accidentally spilled a cup of hot coffee in my lap. You should see the front of my pants!"
A passenger in coach yelled, "That's nothing. You should see the back of mine!


The DC-8 and the Cherokee 180 (Top)

One day, the pilot of a Cherokee 180 was told by the tower to hold short of the runway while a DC-8 landed. The DC-8 landed, rolled out, turned around, and taxied back past the Cherokee. Some quick-witted comedian in the DC-8 crew got on the radio and said, "What a cute little plane. Did you make it all by yourself?"

Our hero, the Cherokee pilot, not about to let the insult go by, came back with a real zinger:
"I made it out of DC-8 parts. Another landing like that and I'll have enough parts for another one!"


I'm A Cowboy (Top)

An old cowboy sat down at the bar and ordered a drink. As he sat sipping his drink, a young woman sat down next to him. She turned to the cowboy and asked, "Are you a real cowboy?"

He replied, "Well, I've spent my whole life, breaking colts, working cows, going to rodeos, fixing fences, pulling calves, baling hay, doctoring calves, cleaning my barn, fixing flats, working on tractors, and feeding my dogs, so I guess I am a cowboy."

She said, "I'm a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about women. As soon as I get up in the morning, I think about women. When I shower, I think about women. When I watch TV, I think about women. I even think about women when I eat. It seems that everything makes me think of women."

The two sat sipping in silence.

A little while later, a man sat down on the other side of the old cowboy and asked, "Are you a real cowboy?"

He replied, "I always thought I was, but I just found out I'm a lesbian."


40 Things You Should Know (Top)

1. Money isn't made out of paper; it's made out of cotton.

2. The 57 on Heinz ketchup bottle represents the varieties of pickles the company once had.

3. Your stomach produces a new layer of mucus every two weeks - otherwise it will digest itself (eeww).

4. The Declaration of Independence was written on hemp paper.

5. The dot over the letter 'i' is called a "tittle".

6. A raisin dropped in a glass of fresh champagne will bounce up and down continuously from the bottom of the glass to the top.

7. Susan Lucci is not the daughter of Phyllis Diller.

8. A duck's quack doesn't echo ... no one knows why.

9. 40% of McDonald's profits come from the sales of Happy Meals.

10. Every person has a unique tongue print

11. 315 entries in Webster's 1996 Dictionary were misspelled.

12. The 'spot' on 7UP comes from its inventor who had red eyes. He was albino.

13. On average, 12 newborns will be given to the wrong parents daily.

14. During the chariot scene in 'Ben Hur' a small red car can be seen in the distance.

15. Warren Beatty and Shirley MacLaine are brother and sister..

16. Chocolate affects a dog's heart and nervous system; a few ounces will kill a small sized dog.

17. Orcas (killer whales) kill sharks by torpedoing up into the shark's stomach from underneath, causing the shark to explode.

18.. Most lipstick contains fish scales (eeww).

19. Donald Duck comics were banned from Finland because he doesn't wear pants.

20. Ketchup was sold in the 1830s as medicine.

21. Upper and lower case letters are named 'upper' and 'lower' because in the time when all original print had to be set in individual letters, the 'upper case' letters were stored in the case on top of the case that stored the smaller, 'lower case' letters.

22. Leonardo da Vinci could write with one hand and draw with the other at the same time ( ... and multi-tasking was invented).

23. Because metal was scarce, the Oscars given out during World War II were made of wood.

24. There are no clocks in Las Vegas gambling casinos.

25. The name Wendy was made up for the book Peter Pan, there was never a recorded Wendy before!

26. There are no words in the dictionary that rhyme with: orange, purple, and silver!

27. Leonardo Da Vinci invented scissors. Also, it took him 10 years to paint Mona Lisa's lips.

28. A tiny amount of liquor on a scorpion will make it instantly go mad and sting itself to death.

29. The mask used by Michael Myers in the original "Halloween" was a Captain Kirk mask painted white.

30. If you have three quarters, four dimes, and four pennies, you have $1.19. You also have the largest amount of money in coins without being able to make change for a dollar ( ... good to know ... ).

31. By raising your legs slowly and lying on your back, you can't sink in quicksand (and you thought this list was completely useless).

32. The phrase "rule of thumb" is derived from an old English law, which stated that you couldn't beat your wife with anything wider than your thumb (sign of a true civilized society . not).

33. American Airlines saved $40,000 in '87 by eliminating one olive from each salad served in first class.

34. The first product Motorola started to develop was a record player for automobiles. At that time, the most known player on the market was the Victrola, so they called themselves Motorola.

35. Celery has negative calories! It takes more calories to eat a piece of celery than the celery has in it to begin with. It's the same with apples! (guess what I'm buying on my next trip to the grocery store!)

36. Chewing gum while peeling onions will keep you from crying!

37. The glue on Israeli postage stamps is certified kosher.

38. Guinness Book of Records holds the record for being the book most often stolen from public libraries.

39. Back in the mid to late 80's, an IBM compatible computer wasn't considered a hundred percent compatible unless it could run Microsoft's Flight Simulator game.

40. Astronauts are not allowed to eat beans before they go into space because passing wind in a space suit damages them (families taking long car rides should adopt this same policy).


The 7 Ups!! (Top)

1. Wake Up !!
Decide to have a good day.
"This is the day the Lord hath made; let us rejoice and be glad in it."
Psalms 118:24

2. Dress Up !! The best way to dress up is to put on a smile.
A smile is an inexpensive way to improve your looks.
"The Lord does not look at the things man looks at.
Man looks at outward appearance, but the Lord looks at the heart."
I Samuel 16:7

3. Shut Up!!
Say nice things and learn to listen.
God gave us two ears and one mouth, so He must have meant for us to do twice as much listening as talking.
"He who guards his lips guards his soul."
Proverbs 13:3

4. Stand Up!!
. . . for what you believe in.
Stand for something or you will fall for anything.
"Let us not be weary in doing good; for at the proper time, we will reap a harvest if we do not give up. Therefore, as we have opportunity, let us do good..."
Galatians 6:9-10

5. Look Up !!
. . . to the Lord.
"I can do everything through Christ who strengthens me".
Philippians 4:13

6. Reach Up !!
. . . for something higher.
"Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and lean not unto your own understanding. In all your ways, acknowledge Him, and He will direct your path."
Proverbs 3:5-6

7. Lift Up !!
. . . your Prayers.
"Do not worry about anything;
instead pray about everything."
Philippians 4:6

A Positive Thought:
If God had a refrigerator, your picture would be on it.
If He had a wallet, your photo would be in it.
He sends you flowers every spring, and a sunrise every morning.
Whenever you want to talk, He'll listen.
He could live anywhere in the universe, and He chose your heart.
What about the Christmas gift He sent you in Bethlehem; not to mention that Friday at Calvary.
Face it, He's crazy about you.

God answers Knee-Mail!


Memorial Stone (Top)

A woman's husband dies. He had $20,000 to his name.

After everything is done at the funeral home and cemetery, she tells her closest friend that there is no money left.

The friend says, "How can that be? You told me he had $20,000 a few days before he died. How could you be broke?"

The widow says, "Well, the funeral cost me $6,000. And of course, I had to make the obligatory donation for the church and the organist & all.

That was $400 and I spent another $400 for the wake, food and drinks, you know. The rest went for the memorial stone."

The friend says, "$13,200 for the memorial stone? My God, how big is it?"

The widow says, "Three carats."


Puh-leeze, Ladies! (Top)

1. Q: What should you do if you see your ex-husband rolling around in pain on the ground?
A: Shoot him again.

2. Q: How can you tell when a man is well-hung?
A: When you can just barely slip your finger in between his neck & the noose.

3. Q: Why do little boys whine?
A: Because they're practicing to be men.

4. Q: How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: One - he just holds it up there & waits for the world to revolve around him.
or: Three - one to screw in the bulb, two to listen to him brag about the screwing part.

5. Q: What do you call a handcuffed man?
A: Trustworthy.

6. Q: What does it mean when a man is in your bed gasping for breath and calling your name?
A: You didn't hold the pillow down long enough.

7. Q: Why does it take 100,000,000 sperm to fertilize one egg?
A: Because not one will stop and ask directions.

8. Q: Why do female black widow spiders kill their males after mating?
A: To stop the snoring before it starts.

9. Q: Why do men whistle when they're sitting on the toilet?
A: Because it helps them remember which end they need to wipe.

10. Q: What is the difference between men and women?
A: A woman wants one man to satisfy her every need.
A: A man wants every woman to satisfy his one need.

11. Q: How does a man keep his youth?
A: By giving her money, furs and diamonds.

12. Q: How do you keep your husband from reading your e-mail?
A: Rename the mail folder to "instruction manuals."


Let's Make a Deal (Top)

A young boy had just gotten his driving permit. He asked his father, who was a Minister, if they could discuss his use of the family car.

His father took him into his study and said, "I'll make a deal with you. You bring your grades up, study the Bible a little, get your hair cut and then we'll talk about it."

After about a month, the boy came back and again asked his father if they could discuss his use of the car.

They again went into the father's study where the father said, "Son, I've been very proud of you. You have brought your grades up, you've studied the Bible diligently, but you didn't get your hair cut."

The young man waited a moment and then replied, "You know, Dad, I've been thinking about that. Samson had long hair, Moses had long hair, Noah had long hair, and even Jesus had long hair."

The Minister said, "Yes, and everywhere they went, they walked."


Mischievous Brothers (Top)

Two little boys, ages 8 and 10, are excessively mischievous. They are always getting into trouble and their parents know all about it. If any mischief occurs in their town, the two boys are probably involved.

The boys' mother heard that a preacher in town had been successful in disciplining children, so she asked if he would speak with her boys. The preacher agreed, but he asked to see them individually. So the mother sent the 8 year old first, in the morning, with the older boy to see the preacher in the afternoon.

The preacher, a huge man with a booming voice, sat the younger boy down and asked him sternly, "Do you know where God is, son?" The boy's mouth dropped open, but he made no response, sitting there wide-eyed with his mouth hanging open. So the preacher repeated the question in an even sterner tone, "Where is God?!"

Again, the boy made no attempt to answer. The preacher raised his voice even more and shook his finger in the boy's face and bellowed, "Where is God?!" The boy screamed and bolted from the room, ran directly home and dove into his closet, slamming the door behind him.

When his older brother found him in the closet, he asked, "what happened?" The younger brother, gasping for breath, replied, "We are in BIG trouble this time.

GOD is missing, and they think we did it!


Curtain Rods (Top)

She spent the first day packing her belongings into boxes, crates and suitcases. On the second day, she had the movers come and collect her things. On the third day, she sat down for the last time at their beautiful dining room table by candlelight, put on some soft background music, and feasted on a pound of shrimp, a jar of caviar, and a bottle of Chardonnay.

When she had finished, she went into each and every room and deposited a few half-eaten shrimp shells, dipped in caviar, into the hollow of the curtain rods. She then cleaned up the kitchen and left.

When the husband returned with his new girlfriend, all was bliss for the first few days. Then slowly, the house began to smell. They tried everything; cleaning and mopping and airing the place out. Vents were checked for dead rodents, and carpets were steam cleaned. Air fresheners were hung everywhere.

Exterminators were brought in to set off gas canisters, during which they had to move out for a few days, and in the end they even paid to replace the expensive wool carpeting. Nothing worked. People stopped coming over to visit... Repairmen refused to work in the house...The maid quit... Finally, they could not take the stench any longer and decided to move.

A month later, even though they had cut their price in half, they could not find a buyer for their stinky house. Word got out, and eventually, even the local realtors refused to return their calls. Finally, they had to borrow a huge sum of money from the bank to purchase a new place.

The ex-wife called the man, and asked how things were going. He told her the saga of the rotting house. She listened politely, and said that she missed her old home terribly, and would be willing to consider buying it if the price was right....

Knowing his ex-wife had no idea how bad the smell was, he agreed on a price that was about 1/10th of what the house had been worth...But only if she were to sign the papers that very day. She agreed, and within the hour, his lawyers delivered the paperwork. A week later, the man and his new girlfriend stood smirking as they watched the moving company pack everything to take to their new home...

...including the curtain rods.


Church Bake Sale (Top)

Alice was to bake a cake for the church ladies' group bake sale, but she forgot to do it until the last minute. She baked an angel food cake and when she took it from the oven, the center had dropped flat.

She said, "Oh dear, there's no time to bake another cake." So, she looked around the house for something to build up the center of the cake.

Alice found it in the bathroom ... a roll of toilet paper.

She plunked it in and covered it with icing. The finished product looked beautiful, so she rushed it to the church.

Alice then gave her daughter some money and instructions to be at the sale the minute it opened and to buy that cake and bring it home.

When the daughter arrived at the sale ... the attractive cake had already been sold.

Alice was beside herself.

A couple of days later, Alice was invited to a friend's home where two tables of bridge were to be played that afternoon. After the game a fancy lunch was served, and to top it off, the cake in question was presented for dessert.

Alice saw the cake, she started to get out of her chair to rush into the kitchen to tell her hostess all about it, but before she could get to her feet, one of the other ladies said, "What a beautiful cake!"

Alice sat back in her chair when she heard the hostess (a prominent church member) say . "Thank you. I baked it myself"


New Bull (Top)

Three bulls are in the pasture complaining. They've heard a rumor that the farmer is bringing in a new bull, and they aren't happy about sharing any of their cows.

The Alpha bull says, "You know, since we settled our differences and split up the cows, I've been pretty happy with MY 120 cows. I am not about to share any of MY cows with this new bull."

The second toughest bull says, "Yeah, well I ended up with only 60 cows, so I can't afford to share any of MY cows."

The youngest bull says, "I may only be half as big as you guys, but I'm still a teenager. I'm already climbing the walls with just 20 cows."

Suddenly a huge, black tractor-trailer pulls into the yard. The entire trailer contains just one animal - the biggest, meanest looking bull you ever saw. He weighs 3,000 pounds and has horns four feet long. As the new bull strolls down the gangplank, the two-inch thick metal plates actually sag under his weight.

Suddenly the former Alpha bull is a bit more flexible, "Well, maybe I could spare a FEW cows."

The second toughest bull says, "Maybe if I hide in the corner of the pasture, he'll leave me alone." But the small, teenage bull is snorting, pawing the ground and shaking his fledgling horns in an extremely confrontational way.

Worried about the reckless youngster, the two older bulls trot over to the young bull and say, "Listen, son. It's not worth dying for. Just give the new bull your 20 cows."

"He can HAVE my 20 cows," replies the young bull, snorting and pawing the ground again. "I'm just making sure he knows I'm a BULL!"


Life's Journey (Top)

Life's journey is not to arrive at the grave safely in a well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways, totally worn out,
shouting "...holy moly...what a ride!"


Guy Blonde Joke (Top)

An Irishman, a Mexican and a Blonde Guy were doing construction work on scaffolding on the 20th floor of a building.

They were eating lunch and the Irishman said, "Corned beef and cabbage! If I get corned beef and cabbage one more time for lunch, I'm going to jump off this building."

The Mexican opened his lunch box and exclaimed, "Burritos again! If I get burritos one more time I'm going to jump off, too."

The blond opened his lunch and said, Bologna again! If I get a bologna sandwich one more time, I'm jumping too."

The next day, the Irishman opened his lunch box, saw corned beef and cabbage, and jumped to his death.The Mexican opened his lunch, saw a burrito, and jumped, too.The blonde guy opened his lunch, saw the bologna and jumped to his death as well.

At the funeral, the Irishman's wife was weeping. She said, "If I'd known how really tired he was of corned beef and cabbage, I never would have given it to him again!"

The Mexican's wife also wept and said, "I could have given him tacos or enchiladas! I didn't realize he hated burritos so much."

Everyone turned and stared at the blonde's wife.

The blonde's wife said, "Don't look at me. He makes his own lunch."


When Does Worrying Stop? (Top)

Is there a magic cutoff period when offspring become accountable for their own actions? Is there a wonderful moment when parents can become detached spectators in the lives of their children and shrug, "It's their life," and feel nothing?

When I was in my twenties, I stood in a hospital corridor waiting for doctors to put a few stitches in my son's head. I asked, "When do you stop worrying?" The nurse said, "When they get out of the accident stage." My mother/father just smiled faintly and said nothing.

When I was in my thirties, I sat on a little chair in a classroom and heard how one of my children talked incessantly, disrupted the class, and was headed for a career making license plates. As if to read my mind, a teacher said, "Don't worry, they all go through this stage and then you can sit back, relax and enjoy them." My mother/ father just smiled faintly and said nothing.

When I was in my forties, I spent a lifetime waiting for the phone to ring, the cars to come home, the front door to open. A friend said, "They're trying to find themselves. Don't worry, in a few years, you can stop worrying. They'll be adults." My mother/father just smiled faintly and said nothing.

By the time I was 50, I was sick & tired of being vulnerable. I was still worrying over my children, but there was a new wrinkle. There was nothing I could do about it. My mother/father just smiled faintly and said nothing. I continued to anguish over their failures, be tormented by their frustrations and absorbed in it all.

My friends said that when my kids got married I could stop worrying and lead my own life. I wanted to believe that, but I was haunted by my mother/father's warm smile and his occasional, "You look pale. Are you all right? Call me the minute you get home. Are you depressed about something?"

Can it be that parents are sentenced to a lifetime of worry? Is concern for one another handed down like a torch to blaze the trail of human frailties and the fears of the unknown? Is concern a curse or is it a virtue that elevates us to the highest form of life?

One of my children became quite irritable recently, saying to me, "Where were you? I've been calling for 3 days, and no one answered. I was worried." I smiled a warm smile. The torch has been passed.


The Short Story (Top)

The class was supposed to write a short story in as few words as possible for a college class and the instructions were that it had to discuss Religion, Sexuality and Mystery.

The only one who received an A+ wrote the following:

Good God, I'm pregnant, I wonder who did it.


The Shave (Top)

A man enters a barbershop for a shave. While the barber is foaming him up, he mentions the problems he has getting a close shave around the cheeks.

"I have just the thing," says the barber, taking a small wooden ball from a nearby drawer.
"Just place this between your cheek and gum."

The client places the ball in his mouth and the barber proceeds with the closest shave the man has ever experienced. After a few strokes the client asks in garbled speech, "And what if I swallow it?"

"No problem," says the barber. "Just bring it back tomorrow like everyone else does."


Drinking and Speech (Top)

THINGS THAT ARE DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN YOU'RE DRUNK
Indubitably
Innovative
Preliminary
Proliferation
Cinnamon

THINGS THAT ARE VERY DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN YOU'RE DRUNK
Specificity
British Constitution
Passive-aggressive disorder
Loquacious
Transubstantiate

THINGS THAT ARE DOWNRIGHT IMPOSSIBLE TO SAY WHEN YOU'RE DRUNK
Thanks, but I don't want to have sex.
Nope, no more booze for me.
Sorry, but you're not really my type.
Good evening, officer, isn't it lovely out tonight?
Oh, I just couldn't. No one wants to hear me sing.


California Living (Top)

Jack was sitting in an airplane, when another guy took the seat beside him. The new guy was an absolute wreck, pale, hands shaking, biting his nails and moaning in fear.

Hey, pal, what's the matter?" Jack asked.

The other guy answered, "Oh man, I've been transferred to California. "There's crazy people out there. They have shootings, gangs, race riots, drugs, the highest crime rate..."

"Hold on," Jack interrupted, "I've lived in California all my life, and it is not as bad as the media says. Find a nice home, go to work, mind your own business, enroll your kids in a good school and it's as safe as anywhere in the world."

The other passenger relaxed, stopped shaking for a moment and said, "Oh, thank you. I've been worried to death, but if you live there and say it's OK, I'll take your word for it. What do you do for a living?"

Me?" said Jack, "I'm a tail gunner on a bread truck."


Texas Preacher (Top)

The Texas preacher rose with an angry red face. "Someone in this congregation has spread a rumor that I belong to the Ku Klux Klan. This is a horrible lie and one which a Christian community cannot tolerate. I am embarrassed and do not intend to accept this. Now, I want the party who did this to stand and ask forgiveness from God and this Christian family."

No one moved.

The preacher continued, "Do you have the nerve to face me and admit this is a falsehood? Remember, you will be forgiven and in your heart you will feel glory. Now stand and confess your transgression."

Again all was quiet.

Then, slowly, a drop-dead gorgeous blonde with a body that would stop traffic rose from the third pew. Her head was bowed and her voice quivered as she spoke. "Reverend there has been a terrible misunderstanding. I never said you were a member of the Klan. I simply told a couple of my friends that you were a wizard under the sheets!"

The preacher fainted.


When The Winds Blow (Top)

Years ago a farmer owned land along the Atlantic seacoast. He constantly advertised for hired hands. Most people were reluctant to work on farms along the Atlantic. They dreaded the awful storms that raged across the Atlantic, wreaking havoc on the buildings and crops. As the farmer interviewed applicants for the job, he received a steady stream of refusals.

Finally, a short, thin man, well past middle age, approached the farmer.

Are you a good farmhand?" the farmer asked him.

"Well, I can sleep when the wind blows," answered the little man. Although puzzled by this answer, the farmer, desperate for help, hired him. The little man worked well around the farm, busy from dawn to dusk, and the farmer felt satisfied with the man's work.

Then one night the wind howled loudly in from offshore. Jumping out of bed, the farmer grabbed a lantern and rushed next door to the hired hand's sleeping quarters. He shook the little man and yelled, "Get up! A storm is coming! Tie things down before they blow away!"

The little man rolled over in bed and said firmly, "No sir. I told you, I can sleep when the wind blows."

Enraged by the response, the farmer was tempted to fire him on the spot. Instead, he hurried outside to prepare for the storm. To his amazement, he discovered that all of the haystacks had been covered with tarpaulins. The cows were in the barn, the chickens were in the coops, and the doors were barred. The shutters were tightly secured. Everything was tied down. Nothing could blow away.

The farmer then understood what his hired hand meant, so he returned to his bed to also sleep while the wind blew.

MORAL: When you're prepared, spiritually, mentally, and physically, you have nothing to fear. Can you sleep when the wind blows through your life? The hired hand in the story was able to sleep because he had secured the farm against the storm.

We, as believers in Christ, secure ourselves against the storms of life by grounding ourselves in the Word of God. We don't need to understand, we just need to hold His hand to have peace in the midst of the storms.

John 14:27 -- Peace I leave with you, my peace I give unto you: not as the world giveth, give I unto you. Let not your heart be troubled, neither let it be afraid.

I hope you sleep well!


The South (Top)

If you are going to live in or visit the South, understand certain things.

1. That farm boy you see at the gas station did more work before breakfast than you do all week at the gym.

2. It's called a "gravel road." No matter how slow you drive, you're going to get dust on your Navigator. Drive it or get it out of the way.

3. The red dirt - it's called red clay. If you like the color -don't wash your car for a couple weeks - it'll be permanent.

4. We all started hunting and fishing when we were seven years old..Yeah, we saw Bambi. We got over it.

5. Go ahead and bring your $600 Orvis Fly Rod. Don't cry to us if a catfish breaks it off at the handle. We have a name for those little 13-inch trout you fish for - bait.

7. Pull your pants up. You look like an idiot.

8. If that cell phone rings while a bunch of mallards are making their final approach, we will shoot it. You might want to ensure it's not up to your ear at the time.

9. No, there's no "Vegetarian Special" on the menu. Order steak. Order it rare. Or, you can order the Chef's Salad and pick off the two pounds of ham and turkey.

10. Tea - yeah, we have tea. It comes in a glass over ice and is sweet. If you want it hot - sit it in the sun. If you want it unsweetened - add a lot of water.

11. So you have a sixty thousand-dollar car. We're real impressed. We have a quarter of a million-dollar combine that we only use two weeks a year.

12. Let's get this straight. We have one stoplight in town. We stop when it's red.
Sometimes we stop when it's yellow.

13. We eat dinner together with our families. We pray before we eat (yeah, even breakfast). We go to church on Wednesdays and Sundays and we go to high school football games on Friday nights. We still address our seniors with "yes, sir" and "yes, ma'am," and we still take Sunday drives around town to see friends and neighbors.

14. We don't do "hurry up" well.

15. Greens - yeah, we have greens, but you don't putt on them. You boil them with fatback or a ham hock.

16. Yeah, we eat catfish, bass, and bream. If you want sushi it's available at the bait shop.

17. They are pigs. That's what they smell like. Get over it. Don't like it? Interstate 64 goes two ways - Interstate 95 goes the other two. Pick one.

18. Grits are corn. You put butter, salt, and maybe even some pepper on them. If you want to put milk and sugar on them, then you want cream of wheat - go to Kansas. That would be West.

19. The "Opener" refers to the first day of deer or dove season. Both are holidays. You can get pancakes, cane syrup, and sausage before daylight at the church either day.

20. So every person in every pickup waves? Yeah, it's called being friendly. Welcome to a new concept.

21. Yeah, we have golf courses. Don't hit in the water hazards. It spooks the fish and bothers the gators - and if you hit it in the rough, we have things called diamondbacks. They are not baseball players.

22. That Highway Patrol Officer that just pulled you over for driving like an idiot - his name is "Sir," no matter how young he is.

23. We have lots of pine trees. They have yellow pollen. You can wash your car twice a day or drive down one of the red dirt roads.

24. You burn an American flag in our state, you get beat up. No questions. The liberal contingent of our state legislature - all four of them - enacted a measure to stop this. There is now a $2.50 fine for beating up a flag burner.


Bill of No Rights (Top)

Origins: Mitchell Kaye, a Georgia state representative from Marietta, is not the originator of the piece. The famed "Bill of No Rights" was written in 1993 by Lewis Napper, a self-described amateur philosopher and from Mississippi who ran for a U.S. Senate seat in 2000 as a Libertarian.

Kaye's name likely became associated with it through the innocent act of finding the article in his inbox and liking it enough to forward to friends. People tend to leave official-looking signatures intact when they forward e-mail, and his name's remaining with the piece beyond the initial round of forwardings could easily have created the impression that he was the article's creator.

Kaye is quick to give credit where credit is due, and his office routinely informs those who ask about the "Bill of No Rights" of its true authorship.

Here it is:

"We, the sensible people of the United States, in an attempt to help everyone get along, restore some semblance of justice, avoid any more riots, keep our nation safe, promote positive behavior, and secure the blessings of debt-free liberty to ourselves and our great-great-great-grandchildren, hereby try one more time to ordain and establish some common sense guidelines for the terminally whiny, guilt-ridden, deluded, and other liberal bed-wetters. We hold these truths to be self-evident: that a whole lot of people are confused by the Bill of Rights and are so dim that they require a Bill of No Rights."

ARTICLE I:
You do not have the right to a new car, big screen TV or any other form of wealth. More power to you if you can legally acquire them, but no one is guaranteeing anything.

ARTICLE II:
You do not have the right to never be offended. This country is based on freedom, and that means freedom for everyone — not just you! You may leave the room, change the channel, or express a different opinion, but the world is full of idiots, and probably always will be.

ARTICLE III:
You do not have the right to be free from harm. If you stick a screwdriver in your eye, learn to be more careful, do not expect the tool manufacturer to make you and all your relatives independently wealthy.

ARTICLE IV:
You do not have the right to free food and housing. Americans are the most charitable people to be found, and will gladly help anyone in need, but we are quickly growing weary of subsidizing generation after generation of professional couch potatoes who achieve nothing more than the creation of another generation of professional couch potatoes.

ARTICLE V:
You do not have the right to free health care That would be nice, but from the looks of public housing, we're just not interested in public health care.

ARTICLE VI:
You do not have the right to physically harm other people. If you kidnap, rape, intentionally maim, or kill someone, don't be surprised if the rest of us want to see you fry in the electric chair.

ARTICLE VII:
You do not have the right to the possessions of others. If you rob, cheat or coerce away the goods or services of other citizens, don't be surprised if the rest of us get together and lock you away in a place where you still won't have the right to a big screen color TV or a life of leisure.

ARTICLE VIII:
You don't have the right to demand that our children risk their lives in foreign wars to soothe your aching conscience. We hate oppressive governments and won't lift a finger to stop you from going to fight if you'd like. However, we do not enjoy parenting the entire world and do not want to spend so much of our time battling each and every little tyrant with a military uniform and a funny hat.

ARTICLE IX:
You don't have the right to a job. Sure, all of us want all of you to have one, and will gladly help you along in hard times, but we expect you to take advantage of the opportunities of education and vocational training laid before you to make yourself useful.

ARTICLE X:
You do not have the right to happiness. Being an American means that you have the right to pursue happiness — which, by the way, is a lot easier if you are unencumbered by an overabundance of idiotic laws created by those of you who were confused by the Bill of Rights.


If you agree, we strongly urge you to forward this to as many people as you can. No, you don't have to, and nothing tragic will befall you should you not forward it. We just think it is about time common sense is allowed to flourish — call it the age of reason revisited.


Well Named (Top)

Billy Bob's sister is pregnant and is in a bad car accident, which caused her to fall into a deep coma. In the coma for nearly six months, she awakens and sees that she is no longer pregnant. Frantically, she asks the doctor about her baby.

The doctor replies, "Ma'am, you had twins - a boy and a girl. The babies are fine. Your brother came in and named them."

The woman thinks to herself, "Oh, no - not my brother. he's an idiot!"

Expecting the worst, she asks the doctor, "Well, what's the girls name?"

"Denise," the doctor says.

The new mother thinks, "Wow! That's a beautiful name! I guess I was wrong about my brother. I like the name Denise."

Then she asks the doctor, "What's the boy's name?"

The doctor replies,

"Denephew."


Politics (Top)

While walking down the street one day a US senator is tragically hit by a truck and dies. His soul arrives in heaven and is met by St. Peter at the entrance. "Welcome to heaven," says St. Peter. "Before you settle in, it seems there is a problem. We seldom see a high official around these parts, you see, so we're not sure what to do with you."

"No problem, just let me in," says the man.

"Well, I'd like to, but I have orders from Higher Up. What we'll do is have you spend one day in hell and one in heaven. Then you can choose where to spend eternity."

"Really, I've made up my mind. I want to be in heaven," says the senator.

"I'm sorry, but we have our rules." And with that, St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to hell. The doors open and he finds himself in the middle of a green golf course. In the distance is a clubhouse and standing in front of it are all his friends and other politicians who had worked with him. Everyone is very happy and in evening dress. They run to greet him, shake his hand, and reminisce about the good times they had while getting rich at the expense of the people. They play a friendly game of golf and then dine on lobster, caviar and champagne. Also present is the devil, who really is a very friendly guy who has a good time dancing and telling jokes. They are having such a good time that before he realizes it, it is time to go. Everyone gives him a hearty farewell and waves while the elevator rises.

The elevator goes up, up, up and the door reopens on heaven where St. Peter is waiting for him. "Now it's time to visit heaven." So, 24 hours pass with the senator joining a group of contented souls moving from cloud to cloud, playing the harp and singing. They have a good time and, before he realizes it, the 24 hours have gone by and St. Peter returns.

"Well, then, you've spent a day in hell and another in heaven. Now choose your eternity."

The senator reflects for a minute, then he answers: "Well, I would never have said it before, I mean heaven has been delightful, but I think I would be better off in hell."

So St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to hell. Now the doors of the elevator open and he's in the middle of a barren land covered with waste and garbage. He sees all his friends, dressed in rags, picking up the trash and putting it in black bags as more trash falls from above. The devil comes over to him and puts his arm around his shoulder.

"I don't understand," stammers the senator. "Yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and clubhouse, and we ate lobster and caviar, drank champagne, and danced and had a great time. Now there's just a wasteland full of garbage and my friends look miserable. What happened?"

The devil looks at him, smiles and says, "Yesterday we were campaigning...... Today you voted."


God's Cake (Top)

Sometimes we wonder, "What did I do to deserve this?" or "Why did God have to do this to me?" Here is a wonderful explanation!

A daughter is telling her Mother how everything is going wrong, she's failing algebra, her boyfriend broke up with her and her best friend is moving away.

Meanwhile, her Mother is baking a cake and asks her daughter if she would like a snack, and the daughter says, "Absolutely Mom, I love your cake."

Here, have some cooking oil," her Mother offers. "Yuck" says her daughter.

"How about a couple raw eggs?" "Gross, Mom!"

"Would you like some flour then? Or maybe baking soda?" "Mom, those are all yucky!" To which the mother replies: "Yes, all those things seem bad all by themselves. But when they are put together in the right way, they make a wonderfully delicious cake!

God works the same way. Many times we wonder why He would let us go through such bad and difficult times. But God knows that when He puts these things all in His order, they always work for good! We just have to trust Him and, eventually, they will all make something wonderful!

God is crazy about you. He sends you flowers every spring and a sunrise every morning.

Whenever you want to talk, He'll listen. He can live anywhere in the universe, and He chose your heart.

You may want to pass this along to the people you really care about. I did.

I hope your day is a "piece of cake!"

Life may not be the party we hoped for, but while we are here we might as well dance.


Every Ten Years (Top)

Every ten years, as summertime nears,
An announcement arrives in the mail,
A reunion is planned; it'll be really grand;
Make plans to attend without fail.

I'll never forget the first time we met;
We tried so hard to impress.
We drove fancy cars, smoked big cigars,
And wore our most elegant dress.

It was quite an affair; the whole class was there.
It was held at a fancy hotel.
We wined, and we dined, and we acted refined,
And everyone thought it was swell.

The men all conversed about who had been first
To achieve great fortune and fame.
Meanwhile, their spouses described their fine houses
And how beautiful their children became.

The homecoming queen, who once had been lean,
Now weighed in at one-ninety-six.
The jocks who were there had all lost their hair,
And the cheerleaders could no longer do kicks.

No one had heard about the class nerd
Who'd guided a spacecraft to the moon;
Or poor little Jane, who's always been plain;
She married a shipping tycoon.

The boy we'd decreed "most apt to succeed"
Was serving ten years in the pen,
While the one voted "least" now was a priest;
Just shows you can be wrong now and then.

They awarded a prize to one of the guys
Who seemed to have aged the least.
Another was given to the grad who had driven
The farthest to attend the feast.

They took a class picture, a curious mixture
Of beehives, crew cuts and wide ties.
Tall, short, or skinny, the style was the mini;
You never saw so many thighs.

At our next get-together, no one cared whether
They impressed their classmates or not.
The mood was informal, a whole lot more normal;
By this time we'd all gone to pot.

It was held out-of-doors, at the lake shores;
We ate hamburgers, coleslaw, and beans.
Then most of us lay around in the shade,
In our comfortable T-shirts and jeans.

By the fortieth year, it was abundantly clear,
We were definitely over the hill.
Those who weren't dead had to crawl out of bed,
And be home in time for their pill.

And now I can't wait as they've set the date;
Our sixtieth is coming, I'm told.
It should be a ball, they've rented a hall
At the Shady Rest Home for the old.

Repairs have been made on my old hearing aid;
My pacemaker's been turned up on high.
My wheelchair is oiled, and my teeth have been boiled;
And I've bought a new wig and glass eye.

I'm feeling quite hearty; I'm ready to party,
I'll dance until dawn's early light.
It'll be lots of fun; and I hope at least one
Other person can make it that night.


Elementary Bible School Tests (Top)

If you know the Bible even a little, you'll find this hilarious!

It comes from a Catholic elementary school test. Kids were asked questions about the old and new testaments. These are their answers.

1. In the first book of the Bible, Guinessis. God got tired of creating the world so he took the sabbath off.

2. Adam and Eve were created from an apple tree. Noah's wife was Joan of Ark. Noah built an ark and the animals came on in pears.

3. Lot's wife was a pillar of salt during the day, but a ball of fire during the night.

4. The Jews were a proud people and throughout history they had trouble with unsympathetic genitals.

5. Sampson was a strongman who let himself be led astray by a Jezebel like Delilah.

6. Samson slayed the Philistines with the axe of the apostles.

7. Moses led the Jews to the red sea where they made unleavened bread which is bread without any ingredients.

8, The Egyptians were all drowned in the dessert. Afterwards, moses went up to mount cyanide to get the ten commandments.

9. The first commandment was when Eve told Adam to eat the apple.

10. The seventh commandment is thou shalt not admit adultery.

11. Moses died before he ever reached Canada. Then Joshua led the Hebrews in the battle of Geritol.

12. The greatest miricle in the bible is when Joshua told his son to stand still and he obeyed him.

13. David was a hebrew king who was skilled at playing the liar. He fought the Finkelsteins, a race of people who lived in biblical times.

14. Solomon, one of David's sons, had 300 wives and 700 porcupines.

15. When Mary heard she was the mother of Jesus, she sang the magna carta.

16. When the three wise guys from the east side arrived they found Jesus in the manager.

17. Jesus was born because Mary had an immaculate contraption.

18. St. John the blacksmith dumped water on his head.

19. Jesus enunciated the golden rule, which says to do unto others before they do one to you. He also explained a man doth not live by sweat alone.

20. It was a miricle when Jesus rose from the dead and managed to get the tombstone off the entrance.

21. The people who followed the Lord were called the 12 decibels.

22. The epistels were the wives of the apostles.

23. One of the oppossums was St. Matthew who was also a taximan.

24. St. Paul cavorted to *********ity, he preached holy acrimony which is another name for marraige.

25. *********s have only one spouse. This is called monotony.


The Winter of My Life (Top)

You know, time has a way of moving quickly and catching you unaware of the passing years.

It seems just yesterday that I was a young girl, just married and embarking on my new life with my husband.

And yet in a way, it seems like eons ago, and I wonder where all the years went. I know that I lived them all... And I have glimpses of how it was back then and of all my hopes and dreams...

But, here it is, the winter of my life, and it catches me by surprise. How did I get here so fast? Where did the years go and where did my babies go? And where did my youth go?

I remember well seeing older people through the years and thinking that those older people were years away from me and that winter was so far off that I could not fathom it or imagine fully what it would be like...

But, here it is, my husband retired yesterday and he's really getting gray...he moves slower and I see an older man now. He's in much better shape than me...but, I see the great change...

Not the one I married who was dark and young and strong... but, like me, his age is beginning to show and we are now those older folks that we used to see and never thought we'd be.

Each day now, I find that just getting a shower is a real target for the day! And taking a nap is not a treat anymore...it's mandatory! Cause if I don't on my own free will...I just fall asleep where I sit!

And so, now I enter into this new season of my life unprepared for all the aches and pains and the loss of strength and ability to go and do things.

But, at least I know, that though the winter has come, and I'm not sure how long it will last...This I know, that when it's over...we have a loving Savior who has a plan for us and we are assured salvation if we place our faith in Him.

So, if your not in your winter yet...let me remind you, that it will be here faster than you think. So, whatever you would like to accomplish in your life please do it quickly!

For remember that scripture?...our life is but a vapor, it vanished away...So, do what you can today, because you can never be sure whether this is your winter or not!

You have no promise that you will see all the seasons of your life... so, live for the Lord today and say all the things that you want your loved ones to remember...


(Top)


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September 28, 2003