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Redneck logic:
Two rednecks decided that they weren't going anywhere in life and thought they should go to college to get ahead.
The first goes in to see the counselor, who tells him to take Math, History, and Logic.
"What's Logic?" the first redneck asks. The professor answers by saying, "Let me give you an example. Do you own a weed eater?" "I sure do."
"Then I can assume, using logic, that you have a yard," replied the professor.
"That's real good!" says the redneck. The professor continues, "Logic will also tell me that since you have a yard, you also own a house." Impressed, the redneck says, "Amazin!" "And since you own a house, logic dictates that you have a wife." "That's Betty Mae! This is incredible!" The redneck is obviously catching on. "Finally, since you have a wife, logically I can assume that you are heterosexual," said the professor. "You're absolutely right! Why that's the most fascinatin' thing I ever heard! I cain't wait to take that logic class!!"
The redneck, proud of the new world opening up to him, walks back into the hallway, where his friend is still waiting.
"So what classes are ya takin' ?" asks the friend. "Math, History, and Logic!" replies the first redneck. "What in tarnation is logic???" asked his friend. "Let me give you an example.
Do ya own a weed eater?" asked the first redneck.
"No," his friend replied.
"You're QUEER, ain't ya?"
You let your kid pee in the parking lot at K-Mart.
Your gene pool doesn't have a "deep end."
Your dog and your wallet are both on a chain.
Your baby's first words are "Attention K-Mart shoppers."
Three quarters of the clothes you own have logos on them.
The bluebook value of your truck goes up and down, depending on how much gas it has in it.
Your toilet paper has page numbers on it.
If you sell the car 4 gas money!
If you have a complete set of salad bowls and they all say "Coolwip" on the side.
If your working T.V. sits on top of ur NON-working T.V.
If you think a "courter horse" is that ride in front of Kmart.
Why Am I So Special, Pa?
"How was your first day in third grade, Bart?" asked his father.
"Good," said Bart. "The teacher asked each of us to count to 100. Some kids couldn't get past 30, but I made all the way to 100 without a single mistake!"
"That's good, son. That's because you're from Arkansas."
After the next day of school, he asked again.
"I did good today, too, Dad. In language class, we had to say the alphabet. Some kids couldn't get past P, but I made all the way to Z without a single mistake!"
"That's good, son. That's because you're from Arkansas."
After the third day of school, Bart came home looking troubled.
"What's the matter, son?" asked Dad.
"Oh, I dunno. Today we had Physical Education, and afterwards, in the shower, I noticed that, well, the other boys in my class, uh, well Dad, they all have little tiny ones. Mine must be ten times bigger than theirs! Is that because I'm from Arkansas?"
"No, son," explained Dad. "That's because you're 18!"
-You have more fingers than you do teeth
-You cut your grass and find a car
-You have a family reunion and everyone in town shows up.
-You say "Watch this" everytime before you go to the hospital.
-You have a refrigerator just for beer.
-Your mailbox is made out of old auto parts.
-You come back from the dump with more than you took.
-You've ever worn cowboy boots with Bermuda shorts.
-The most common phrase heard in your house is, "Somebody go jiggle the handle."
-You can't take a nap without at least one hand tucked inside your pants.
-You have more dogs than the local shelter.
-Fifth grade was the best six years of your life.
-Every day someone comes to your house mistakingly thinking your having a yard sale.
-You think harass is two words.
-You consider fast food hitting a deer at 65 MPH.
-Your boat has not left the driveway in 15 years.
-You consider a six-pack and a bug-zapper high-quality entertainment.
-None of your shirts cover your stomach.
-Your family tree does not fork.
1. Never take a beer to a job interview.
2. Always identify people in your yard before shooting at them.
3. It's considered tacky to take a cooler to church.
4. If you have to vacuum the bed, it is time to change the sheets.
5. Even if you're certain that you are included in the will, it is still considered tacky to drive a U-Haul to the funeral home.
1. When decanting wine, make sure that you tilt the paper cup, and pour slowly so as not to "bruise" the fruit of the vine.
2. If drinking directly from the bottle, always hold it with your fingers covering the label.
1. A centerpiece for the table should never be anything prepared by a taxidermist.
2. Do not allow the dog to eat at the table...no matter how good his manners are.
1. While ears need to be cleaned regularly, this is a job that should be done in private using one's OWN truck keys.
2. Proper use of toiletries can forestall bathing for several days.
However, if you live alone, deodorant is a waste of good money.
3. Dirt and grease under the fingernails is a social no-no, as they tend to detract from a woman's jewelry and alter the taste of her finger foods.
1. Always offer to bait your date's hook, especially on the first date.
2. Be aggressive. Let her know you're interested: "I've been wanting to go out with you since I read that stuff on the fillin' station bathroom wall two years ago."
3. Establish with her parents what time she is expected back. Some will say 10:00 PM; Others might say "Monday." If the latter is the answer, it is the man's responsibility to get her to school on time.
1. Crying babies should be taken to the lobby and picked up immediately after the movie has ended.
2. Refrain from talking to characters on the screen. Tests have proven they can't hear you.
1. Livestock, usually, is a poor choice for a wedding gift.
2. Unless you are the groom, kissing the bride for more than 5 seconds may get you shot.
3. For the groom, at least, rent a tux. A leisure suit with a cummerbund and a clean bowling shirt can create a tacky appearance.
4. Though uncomfortable, say "yes" to socks and shoes for this special occasion.
1. Dim your headlights for approaching vehicles; Even if the gun is loaded, and the deer is in sight.
2. When approaching a four-way stop, the vehicle with the largest tires always has the right of way.
3. Never tow another car using panty hose and duct tape.
4. When sending your wife down the road with a gas can, it is impolite to ask her to bring back beer.
5. Do not give a blow job while traveling in a funeral procession.
Redneck Computer Geek
10. The monitor is up on blocks.
9. Outgoing faxes have tobacco stains on them.
8. The six front keys have rotted out.
7. The extra RAM slots have Dodge truck parts stored in them.
6. The numeric keypad only goes up to six.
5. The password is "Bubba".
4. There's a gun rack mounted on the CPU.
3. There's a Skoal can in the CD-ROM drive.
2. The keyboard is camouflaged. AND the number 1 way to tell if a Redneck has been working on a computer is...
1. The mouse is referred to as a "critter".
Definition of an Arkansas Virgin:
A girl who can run faster than her brothers.
So that rednecks can have 'possum on the halfshell!
Last name: _______________________
First name: (Check appropriate box)
(_)Billy-Bob
(_)Billy-Joe
(_)Billy-Ray
(_)Billy-Sue
(_)Billy-Mae
(_)Billy-Jack
What does everyone call you?
(_)Booger
(_)Bubba
(_)Junior
(_)Sissy
(_)Other____________
Age:____ (if unsure,guess)
Sex:____ M ____ F ____Not sure
Shoe size:____ Left ____ Right
Occupation:(Check appropriate box)
(_)Farmer
(_)Mechanic
(_)Hair Dresser
(_)Unemployed
(_)Dirty Politician
(_)Preacher
Spouse's Name:_____________
2nd Spouse's Name:_______________
3rd Spouse's Name:_______________
Lover's Name:_______________
Relationship with spouse:(Check appropriate box)
(_)Sister
(_)Brother
(_)Aunt
(_)Uncle
(_)Cousin
(_)Mother
(_)Father
(_)Son
(_)Daughter
(_)Pet
Number of children living in the home:_____
Number of the children living in the shed:_____
Number that are yours:_____
Mother's Name:____________________(If not sure, leave blank)
Father's Name:____________________(If not sure, leave blank)
Education: 1 2 3 4 (Circle highest grade commpleted)
(Check appropriate box)
Total number of vehicles you own:___
Number of vehicles that still crank:___
Number of vehicles in front yard:___
Number of vehicles in the back yard:___
Number of vehicles on cement blocks:___
Firearms you own and where you keep them:
____truck
____bedroom
____bathroom
____kitchen
____shed
Model and year of your pickup:196_
Do you have a gun rack?
(_)Yes (_)No; If no, please explain:
Newspapers/magazines you subscribe to:
(_)The National Enquirer
(_)The Globe
(_)TV Guide
(_)Soap Opera Digest
(_)Rifle and Shotgun
Number of times you've seen a UFO:_____
Number of times in the last 5 years you've seen Elvis:___
Number of times you've seen Elvis in a UFO:____
How often do you bathe?
(_)Weekly
(_)Monthly
(_)Not Applicable
Color of eyes:
Left_____ Right_____
Color of hair:
(_)Blond
(_)Black
(_)Red
(_)Brown
(_)White
(_)Clairol
Color of teeth:
(_)White
(_)Yellow
(_)Brownish-Yellow
(_)Brown
(_)Black
(_)N/A
Brand of chewing tobacco you prefer:
(_)Red-Man
How far is your home from a paved road?
(_)1 mile
(_)2 miles
(_)just a whoop-and-a-holler
(_)road?
The Children's Favorite Answers