Ryan And Joe's Journey...
a tale of Going West


Chapter 1

I guess I can start by giving some background to what it is I'm writing about. Basically this is my way of preserving history since the events that took place were at the least astonishing. This is a tale of what happens in the times of utmost boredom and what the spirit of two venturers brings about.

The day started as any normal day in Spring(in Texas anyway...) I woke up, there was dead birds outside, trash all over the house, dogs humping cats, 90 degree weather...basically everything that makes a person wish they were dead. If my memory serves me right the day was Sunday, April 2, 2005.

Anyway waking up to all this disappointment I decided I would skip work and I had good reason to do so..I had money! So after I skipped work and looked for fun under every rock in Dallas and Ft. Worth, I gave up when I realized that there was nothing more in Dallas then a couple whore houses and speed zone. There were ugly women all around, pussy boys trying to be gangsters..and so it got to my head.

By now its about 10pm and I'm just bored as ass. So I'm hangin out with my boy Joe (he's pretty much my brother..just not by blood..) and we're trying to figure out what the fuck to do so we can escape the hell hole. First I figured hell, we can go to Houston, have some fun and get back the next day so I can go to work...and we were about to go. That is until I said "Why not go to Kali? we're driving 4 hours anyway...why not make it 24 and enjoy good weather too???"

Of course both Joe and I being from California, once the subject was brought up it would be un-patriotic for us to turn it down. Now keep in mind I have $400 and he has $150 which we thought should be more than enough...after all I was only driving an 85 Corolla...oh yea baby AE86! (anyone who knows what that is...i love u) Now that we'd put our balls on the line and our friends kept saying we wouldn't do it, we decided to prove them wrong...so there was only one thing left to do: check the cars mechanicals and head out. sure it had some issues but I had become a master mechanic because of that car and worked on everything on it myself so I knew it inside out.(still with me? this is just the beginning)

Chapter 2

Now the time is about 11pm, I've checked the car and we've packed some esentials to survive while on the road (ie. coolant, oil, car tools...oh yea and the cell phone.) We hop in the car sound system blasting and all and go to the Chevron off Hwy 183 and Esthers to fill up the gas and buy a map. From there we went off to our favorite Internet Cafe "Mug N Mouse" to print directions for our trip. Of course Mr. Lee (the owner) and his wife who have known us for about 5 years told us we were crazy too. I agreed.

After leaving Mug N' Mouse we hopped onto 183 W towards Loop 820 which would then lead us to I-30 W.

To my surprise, the things I expected to go wrong with the car (overheating, running out of clutch fluid, catching on fire..) didn't happen. It ran good...and for a good while. At the beginning of the trip I pulled over every once in a while to check the engine bay and make sure all was well..and it was. No sign of anything bad so on with the trip I went.

I figured at this point its ok to make my stops once every 2 hours which is how its supposed to be on a long road trip. We were a little past the 4th hour of driving so I decided to pull over to check the car and get some rest. We were close by Abilene at this point on I-20. I exited and turned the car off to check all the fluids. All was well...until i turned the car back on. My Brake and Battery light came on at the same time and normally that means one thing: a snapped alternator belt...so i checked that and nothing. Alternator belt was fine and almost cut me too so I knew it was workin'.

We continued on with the trip. I decided to stop at the Wal-Mart in Abilene to get some more oil and coolent for the car..assuming somehow that was gonna make things better. I topped off my fluids, let the car cool for a bit and hit the road again. Suddenly my light started to dim. Now im trying to figure the situation out with my mechanical knowledge and nothing was crossing my mind. Granted I'd been on the road for some time and couldn't think straight.

I figured at this point I would turn back to Walmart and get a battery but on the way back somehow my lights came back on. I went to walmart anyway to chill for a bit. By the way this Walmart was fuckin huge..the biggest I've seen. When I asked where the oil was the chick there gave me directions...im surprised she didn't give me a map...this place was a city in itself. Well anyway I got done chillin and we started driving again when bam! the lights went out completely. For anyone that's been on I-20 at night west of Abilene, its dark as shit AND there are many many 18 wheelers. So now my car is loosing power and I have no light. Luckily Joe was there to save the day..he stuck his head out the window just intime to inform me that I'm about to drive off the bridge of the highway. With Joe as my Navigation I managed to reverse the car and exit into the city of Trent were we camped out at a Fina gas station that was closed.

Chapter 3

So now we're out in the middle of nowhere (most likely a KKK town) with a population of about 300..or at least thats what the sign said "Welcome to Trent. Population 313" I was thinking to myself "boy are we fucked!" We saw some trucks pass by but none wanted to help. I got smart and called the State roadside assistance which sent out a state trooper for us. In the meantime we were trying to flag down other drivers.

Since our attempt to get other drivers attention was fruitless, we figured lets pushstart the car! Joe with his Herculean strength pushed the car with me in it while I kicked the clutch and it worked..until the car died again! The trooper finally arrived and jumped the car...that was too a failure. Then some guy in a truck jumped it and that worked. So we drove off only for the car to die 1 min later. Now its still night, we're about a block away from the gas station and we're on a 2 lane road with some trucks passing by the other side. Me not being able to see anything didn't make it any better. I drove halfway into the wrong lane and the car died. To my front I see big lights coming towards me. Lucky for me Joe saved the day again by pushing the car over to the right lane.

So now that we are partially on grass, Joe takes on the pushing job one more time to push start the car so we can go back to the gas station. We got back and decided it was best for us to camp there until morning so we can at least see the road. We waited until about 6am when the store opened and asked the owner to jump our car. I figured if charged enough it should stay. I was wrong again. It still wasn't too bright so I got some gas and waited some more till the light came up. The attendent told us there was an o'rielly auto parts in sweetwater and I figured with a little battery boost and a push start we'll make it there.

So Came 7:21am and eager to get the show on the road, we began the travel west to Sweetwater. Somehow I managed to find the Auto parts store and purchased a battery. As soon as the battery went on, my diagnostic lights went off and i figured that's what it must have been. With a full functioning car we were headed to Kali and nothing could stop us now...that is until about 5 miles later my battery/brake light came on again. By this time I realized that my Alternator was bad but I'd already got a good battery and figured that should take us the rest of the way.

Chapter 4

Now that we had a fresh battery and escaped what we thought was the worst part, we were more determined than ever to get to the mother land, better known as Los Angeles. Every minute we drove forward, we left behind us literally everything we dreaded in life. This trip was our one chance of going back to the place were we grew up as kids and came to love so much after we found out what it had to offer.

We continued on through the flat lands of Texas throughout I-20 where there was not much more than sand, cactus, and lots of oil wells. The road looked the same for much of the trip. About 390 miles into it we passed through Odessa where I stopped only to get gas and on down to a place called Monahans, TX. You might wonder "this city is almost as small as Trent..why is it important?" Well fellers, I got a speeding ticket here from none other than the Texas Trooper himself..or Super Pig as I call him..Joe referred to him as a Warlock..a cop with special powers (the cops being wizards). Yup, this bitch gave me a ticket for going 79 in a 70..and thanked me. Motherfucker its not a grocery store and I'm sure as hell not happy with what im buying!

After the ordeal with that asshole was over it was on to El Paso. This is the only part of Texas i enjoyed. 1. It looked better than any city I'd seen so far. 2. It had mountains. and 3. It was the symbol of leaving Texas. After 5 years I had finally reached the exit.

All I did here was charge my battery, take one last look at Tejas, and then stormed down the Highway to New Mexico. We went through border patrol which surprisingly didn't check us (we deffinately looked like cholos) and then through "The Land of Enchantment" as it's called.

Chapter 5 Ah yes...now we're out of Tejas and in New Mexico. The first thing that struck us about this place was in Las Cruces (the Cross) there were indeed many crosses...for dead people. We actually saw some boddies on the roadside. Then to our left there was what I thought the largest number of cows I've ever seen. They were humping, eating, giving birth...it was much like the Discovery Channel.

There is one thing about Las Cruces I will never ever ever forget. The smell! Now I've worked as a janitor and there isn't much I haven't smelled. But this shit...it took the cake, and the bride...and the groom..Need you hear more details?

And then we have the highways which are patroled by aircraft. When I saw the sign that said that I figured 1 thing: Aliens. New Mexico would have some shit like that and then you hear all this stuff about aliens in New Mexico (not the illegal ones..the space ones)

So what else happend in Alien land? Oh yea, we stopped at a McDonalds in Deming and got some gas in Lordsburg..I also purchased a flashlight at a Silvercity Carquest store at Joes request and charged my battery yet again..you'll see why this is important later..nothing significant. There was however one funny incident...There were all these crazy signs about "dangerous cross winds" and it showed cars flipped over and shit..i figured how bad could it be? little did I know my broke windows which one rolled up 80% and the other down about half way saved our life..it did something to the cars aerodynamics that kept it on the ground. As we would come to see 4 trucks including one with a horse trailer had flipped over because of the winds right before the arizona border..that was a trip..and by the way there were some beautiful mountains there. I love mountains.

Chapter 6

So we're now half way through the trip (in distance anyway) and with my battery well charged and it still being late noon we roll on through Arizona. This was probably one of the most secnic parts of the trip because the landscape there was so nice. The thing that tripped me out here was how they had these "rivers" and signs pointing to the but when I looked it was nothing but a dry bed of sand. I soon figured out that these "rivers" used to be rivers and are now dry. The place was nice anyway...I enjoyed the drive.

We drove for some time and were now nearing the city of Tucson. As it turns out, the desert has nicer weather than Texas in April...much nicer. I hadn't caught breeze like that in a while and I knew then I was getting closer to California.

As we were driving at about 6pm, it suddenly began to drizzle. It lasted only for a short time but when it finished, I saw one of the most beautiful skies I had ever witnessed in my life. There is really no description I can give that will do it justice. On one side the sky is a sweet light blue and as you begin to look north, it gracefully transitions into a blueish purple with a rainbow in the back drop. and to the west you could still see the sun with the sky having a golden glow. I have never seen anything like it since and I don't think I ever will again. The sight was once in a life time.

Within an hour of this sighting we were in the city of Tucson. Seeing as the sun was going down and I didn't have much battery to spare, I rushed to get as far as I can in little time but now with the sun down and my lights on, my battery started to die again. I stopped at a pepboys (which was found by Joes psychic abilities somehow..) and pruchased another battery. I figured this should hold us for the rest of the trip.

Chapter 7 Now we are passed Tucson and have travelled about 2 hours with lights on and all. I figured the lights would use some battery but didn't clearly know how much. Anyway I made it up to Gila Bend. Anyway I'd seen some Indian stuff there so it reminded me of how they do different dances and stuff. I told Joe of my rain dance...which i then took the honor to do..it went something like ooga booga ooga booga...and Joe said "Ryan...I wouldn't do that" And I responded "Me Chief 6 teeth 2 claws...Not worry you" boy did I make a mistake...Not that the place was owned by Native Americans...i know if they saw me doing that i'd be dead. You will see in a little bit what my actions caused.

So I get my gas and after doing my dance I get into the car and off we go. It didn't take too long after we drove off that my battery started to die out again. This time we're in the middle of the Desert with no light to speak of...however I came prepared. Yup...Joe picked up the flash light and began to light the road. After I almost crashed we pulled over to re-think our inks and I realized I had another light that hooked up to my car battery in the trunk so we got that and hooked it up to one of the dead batteries that was left inside the car. Now by this time I was tired as can be..driving for a day straight and no sleep. I looked to my left and got scared shitless when I saw what I thought was a wolf! I was then brought to my senses by Joe who could obviously see better and informed me what I saw was a bush.

Now that we have our bootleg lighting set up, we're back on the road. With Joe as my headlight we drove through the desert highway which also had many 18 wheelers. I was basically a ghost car. This is a side note but I had a small accident too...thats right, a tumble weed crashed into my car...i thought i hit a tree...anyway back to the story...No one could see me until their lights reflected off my cars tail. I finally managed to do something more efficient and found a car that was in front of me which I followed. This person was scared shitless by the way because she thought I was following her...which I was but im sure she felt much danger...besides what would you think if someone's following you witht their lights off?

I made it like this through the rest of Arizona and arrived in Yuma at about 12:27am. The first thing I did was stop at the Carls Jr. where my car stalled out in front of some hot girls...of course it was Joes task to be embarresed even more by helping me push start the car out the drive through...we decided to eat inside for that reason. I hadn't had Carl's Jr. in 5 years. It was the best burger I had eaten in a long time. Joe who ate the Famous star for the first time fell in love with Carls from that day. He used several napkins which is not something he ever does because the burger did "get all over the place" just like they say it will.

After carls we got back in the car and coninued on our journey to the California border!

Chapter 8

So we're now nearing the California border. As we approached with our lights off all the agents there stood still with only the look of "what the fuck" on their face. And when we pulled in I hear "Did this mother fucker just come throught with a flash light??" yup..we did. And the border agent only had one question for us: "What are you doing?" I told him the story and him seeing us in our pathetic state allowed us to go on through. And only seconds later we were pulled over by the CHP (the Calif. Highway Police as I call them). I was almost sure he pulled us for littering since Joe threw an XL carls jr cup out the window...but he pulled me over for my lights. Sure enough while I was pulling over, my car died out.

The angry officer wondering what crack we're smoking for pulling halfway into the shoulder and then just stopping asked me to move the car more. I told him my car was dead and thats when he told us to get out (so we don't get hit by the 18 wheelers.

So now comes the questioning. Of course we were searched and we had nothing on us so he asked "why do you not have your lights on?" I told him "my alternators dead!" so the idiot goes on to ask me why i don't just buy one....so i made him look like a fool since it was 1am and no shops for car parts where in sight. Him realizing how dumb he just sounded told me he would let me slide but I cant drive until I have lights. There just so happened to be a Shell station there across the highway so Joe and I embarked on a mini-journey to get a battery.

We got into the store where we were greated by a peculiar character...I asked him if I could charge my phone there and he let me. Between buying a battery and charging my phone we somehow got to hear his life story about his x-wife, his current whore wife, and other stuff we didn't need to know about. After my phone charged and i got the battery he asked if we wanted a ride back to the car...We declined...the guy was clearly gay and I wasn't taking chances.

Chapter 9

Now with a fresh battery at hand and a partially charged phone we moved forward (with lights). This took me passed Calexico and so forth I went. Now recall that rain dance I did in Arizona? Well it turns out I angered some Indian Gods because it started to rain and it rained to no end. I think at one point the raind had a muddy texture to it. Anyway it wasn't long (2 hours into the trip) that I would need fuel and of course my lack of sleep took its toll on me. I almost ran off the road 4 times only to realize later that it was all mountain and I had I ran off It would be a several hundred mile drop. So I stop for gas turn the car back on and continue the drive and then my light start to die out. Now I already can't see because the rain is so heavy and having my lights dimmed to the point where I had no light, I quickly woke up joe to hold the flash light again so we can make it alive to the next exit.

I took the Crestwood/Live Oak exit which said there was lodging there but with no lights I saw no place for lodging and decided to turn back to get onto the highway again but I quickly realized that was a bad idea. I saw some trucks parked by the offramp and figured why not park there too and wait till morning time. After all this is Kali and the rain should stop by morning so off to sleep we went.

I was wrong again. 2 hours into my sleep (like 5am) I hear some quivering. Then I feel a chop on my arm and wake up. I reallized it was Joe. You see, since we were coming to LA, we expected lots of sun and good weather so of course we didn't bring any sweaters...just t-shirts and wife beaters. But we weren't in LA...we were in Campo well over 4000ft of elevation. And everyone knows what happens on the mountain. It snows.

After reluctantly wacking up, I look to my right only to see a human popsticle (we'll call him joe) who looked blue and pale. I had my fur to cover me but Joe had his wifebeater. That didn't help him at all. He turned to me and said "Ryan...I'm dying, lets get out of here...." So he got out the car and with his last ounces of strength tried to push start the car.

This time it was so cold that push starting even failed. We figured the best thing to do is to stay in the car until someone helps us or we die. Suddenly when we were in the car, I saw Joe writing on my windshield so I asked "the hell are you doing?" he just kept writing. He wrote the words "HELP". I figured might as well try before we die. Sure enough within 2 minutes some van pulled up to our car. It turns out there was a casino (the Golden Acorn) just to the right of us (maybe about a 1/4 mile to the right anyway).

We made several attempts at jumping the car but failed so we then bummed a ride to the Casino where we tried to warm up a bit.

Chapter 10

After avoiding a close call with Pnumonia, we decided to warm up for a bit and began scheming how we were gonna get from Campo to irvine (a 180 mile trip). We were broke, had no car, and there was a blizzard outside. Things couldn't be looking better. We found out that there is no public transportation where we were and no place I could get a battery from so we were stuck

At about 9am, I decided that I couldn't just leave my car by the onramp of the freeway so I decided to go to it and try to bring it back. Joe offered his assistance until he stepped out the door and realized this was something only a bear (me) could do. And so like a good soldier I ran out with my t-shirt in the blistering cold getting hit by small balls of hail, ran, and snow at the same time.

Half way to my car, some guy in a Volvo pulled over and offered me a ride. I took it without question. He was one of the natives related to the tribe that owned that casino. For a small fee of $10 he helped me bring my car to the casino and told his relative (the security guard) to watch after it. I had like $5 left so I decided while I'm stuck might as well gamble..and I won $3 so I was up to $8! i was so happy about my winnings I could hardly contain myself.

Having nearly died several times it was now time to do some serious thinking. I tried to hustle some people and sell them my car and that failed. So then I tried to come up with some other hair-brained schemes all of which failed. I also had a hard time concentrating because there was this girl at the cash register that was really cute(i think she was Fillipnino) with really long hair and I love girls with long hair. Of course there was no action in my pants because all my body parts were still defrosting....but thats too much info.

After talking to several people and hovering around the casino like flies, we finally found out there was a Seniors bus leaving at 2pm so we talked our way onto the bus

Being glad I'd found a way to San Diego, the next task was to find a way to Irvine. Thankfuly for us my cuz Aidin told me there was an Amtrak train that went from SD to Irvine. But remember I was broke? Aw but I still had my trusty Visa card so I went and got a cash advance from the Casino for $40 which turned out to be exactly how much I needed for my bus fare and train tickets for me and Joe.

We hopped on the Senior bus filled with Fillipino people over the age of 70. Luckily Joe is half Fillipino so we made some friends on that bus.

The bus took us over to El Cajon where we caught several busses and trains over to the Santa Fe station for Amtrak. On the ride there we got to see all that we had worked so long and hard for. The wonderful weather, trees, mountains, everything that was missing in Dallas.

Chapter 11

After spending my last Dollars on Amtrak tickets, I remembered I had some change in my duffle bag so I took that and bought a cookie for me and a soda for Joe. I gave Joe a piece of the cookie too...but then we figured out it was the flavor he hated most: Peanut Butter!I was laughing my ass off because that look was one of a kind...disgust and surprise...oh man that was funny. At least for me but maybe not so much for Joe.

So we hop on the train which runs by the pacific coast. The train ride was great. There was nothing quiet like it. There was a magnificent view of the Pacific Ocean wich left us in Aww since we hadn't seen such sights in ages. I believe we shed a few tears too because it had been so long since we had been back home.

The train ride was about 1.5 hours long and maybe the best part of the whole trip because it was then that it sank in that all we had done to get here had finally paid off. For 3 days we suffered and passed through unthinkable events but now it was all over. We were finally home.

There is more to this Epic story which I will write about soon. To be continued..... Click here to read some interesting stuff that I've written.